All threads merged for the full story


At times I feel like I can't discuss my feelings with my boyfriend because he doesn't respect my feelings. I'll admit, I don't let go of things easily, and I can understand that having to listen to me expressing my feelings again and again annoys him. I do it because I want emotional validation from him.

For instance, if something happens and my feelings are hurt, and I explain that I am hurt, I want him to say that he's sorry and mean it, rather than defend himself. When he rushes to defend himself, I question the validity of my own feelings. I console myself with the thought that he didn't mean to hurt me. But after a while I realize I still feel hurt, and that whether he meant to hurt me or not doesn't change the fact that whatever he said or did was hurtful.

Of course, I only ever realize these things in retrospect, when I am calm. I find it difficult to put my feelings into words when I'm feeling hurt. However, revisiting old issues is annoying to him, and I can understand why.

For him, resolving an issue means finding a solution that prevents a recurrence of the issue. There is no sense of mutual understanding, and the solution seems ingenuine; it feels as though the solution is made quickly to avoid trouble. Whether he really believes that there is a valid reason for concern, or whether he is just trying to quickly pacify me, is uncertain.

While I appreciate his solution-making, I find it important to having my feelings accepted by him as well. If he empathized, I would feel understood and accepted, and the solution would seem to be genuine. I would know that he is making a solution because he understands the nature of the problem, not just because I say there is a problem.

Which is more important to resolving an issue, acceptance or solutions? Am I being too demanding if I ask for empathy? And should I be satisfied that he is offering a solution whether he accepts my feelings or not? I understand that we will not always see eye-to-eye on every issue, and that compromise is necessary in relationships. However, I feel that a small amount of empathy from him will help me to really put issues behind me, and prevent lingering, unresolved feelings.

John Grey made a fortune when he wrote a series of books based on his idea that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Each has its own communication style, which is what you have solidly bumped up against.

Susan moans that the cat has used the floor next to the litter box again, and her husband grabs for paper towels. Susan becomes upset. SHE will clean up after the cat. All she wanted her husband to do was listen to her moan that this is the umpteenth time the cat has missed the litter box. Susan wants to vent and wallow; her husband wants to fix it and move forward.

Women vent; men fix. She can't understand why he won't stand still and listen to her and empathetically give her a hug, "There, there." He can't understand why she just stands there crying. "For Peter's sake! Let's clean up the mess, and then you can bake me cupcakes!" he pleads.

All guys are same...
They can't take up things...
At times they won't even understand our feel for them...
Let you be calm to him for some days...
Do not discuss things with him...
He will come to you and ask you "what happened and why are you not telling me anything"...
I tried this and it worked out...
Maintain your own dignity... whoever it may be...

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When he rushes to defend himself, I question the validity of my own feelings. I console myself with the thought that he didn't mean to hurt me. But after a while I realize I still feel hurt, and that whether he meant to hurt me or not doesn't change the fact that whatever he said or did was hurtful.

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There is one problem that should be solved here and it is mutual understanding, i kind of see that u both kind of lack abit of mutual understanding. Basically you both got homework here,which i will explain below

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For him, resolving an issue means finding a solution that prevents a recurrence of the issue.

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The thing u must understand however is how u both solve matter, u both are different when it comes to facing matters, judging from your description i would say that he is kind of a person who deal with matters with more logic than emotions, while you on the other hand kind of deal with emotion than logic, ofc neither of u wrong in this matter it is just some kind of difference that u both have to deal with. His logical solutions did 'solve' the matters however u feel uneasy because somehow the solution he gave didn't fulfill some of your expectations which are emotion related ( for example when u want him to say sorry but he didn't ),which explains why you feel like that smehow his solutions are ingenuine.

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Which is more important to resolving an issue, acceptance or solutions?

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I would say both, solutions without acceptance = solve one issue but produce another issue, while acceptance without solutions = not solving the current problem because focusing in just acceptance is like living in fantasy where u only want to hear things that comfort you while the answer to the problem isn't exist in the fantasy. I suggest you sit down and talk openly with him, ofc find the right time and situation when he feels comfortable so it won't end up offending him, try to make the talk abit light and not too serious but reaching the main issue.

Other thing is : take a look at the positive side that despite the solutions he gave somehow kind of ingenuine for you because it doesn't answer the empathy part that u need , the fact that he worked the solutions are somehow proof that he cares about you and the relationship, it is just that he doesn't understand you fully yet because like i explained above the way u both have your own way to approach matters

If you calmly tell him you rather have a hug than a solution, he will probably eventually get it. It may take a while oh maybe 10 times, but he will understand if you patiently tell him.

Takes a while for things to sink into our very thick skulls and even thicker brains. But by the same token, acknowledge his solutions positively, as you have been doing.

A mans mind is to cluttered with manly things to consider such womanly things, and none of us can read minds, or feelings (except the most obvious), that's a females job!! We do understand fresh cupcakes though, and will be more than happy to take out the garbage later, if we remember it, with all the manly stuff we have on our minds.

The point, tell him what you expect... calmly and repeat, until it sinks in.

It was in today's newspaper -- Israeli scientists have discovered that a woman's tears give off a subtle odor that a nearby man unknowingly inhales. As a result, the man's testosterone level goes down and he is inclined to walk away from the sobbing female. Thus, it is against his nature to turn toward her, give her a hug, or comfort her in some way.

Threads merged



Some time ago, my boyfriend, myself, and another friend fell temporarily out of favor with two mutual friends over a prank that involved my boyfriend and the other friend pretending to be quarrelling. Much to my surprise, my boyfriend became overwhelmed with guilt, to the point of groveling and begging our two mutual friends for forgiveness. He told me that he was saying a bunch of heartfelt stuff to them, and that for the first time he was being completely genuine, and that he was afraid to lose them, and that he was bewildered by the fact that he had a heart all of a sudden.

I became a little distant, and I guess he figured I thought he was being melodramatic, because he started to diminish what he had been saying before, saying he wasn't the type to grovel. I said that that was only true for me, because he seemed to have no problem apologizing and begging for their forgiveness. I admitted to him that I felt jealous. I know, that's probably the lamest reaction. But from where I see it, during our history of dating, he's done things -not just pranks, but things that were really very hurtful to me- and has never, ever had such an emotional upheaval as he did when they got annoyed at him.

So I ask myself why that is the case... why there's this disparity between his reaction to their anger and all his reactions to mine. There are several possibilities in my mind, and they're not really objective, but hell:

1 - I have a good sense of humor about pranks more often than not, so to him, it doesn't matter that he does the same to me and feels no real remorse. But even in non-prank situations, I find he does not take my anger as seriously as he regarded theirs. I've been angry with him for more serious things than a prank, so I don't think he considers the cause more significant in their case than in mine. Maybe my anger is just less significant than theirs to him?

2 - As far as I know, he's never felt so bad about anything he's ever done to upset me. And it may be just that I don't know. Maybe, despite the fact that I think otherwise, he actually has been guilt-stricken by things he's done, and just hasn't made it known to me.

3 - Conversely, it may also be that I'm not making my anger properly known to him. But then, there are times when I do express anger, and his reaction is usually confusion/anger (ie. What is your problem?) or to diminish it (But I didn't mean it, you know I didn't mean it, I didn't do anything, etcetera)

4 - He may be taking my feelings for granted. Like I said, I'm not so good at expressing anger, and most times I get over anger quite easily on my own, so he'll just wait for it to blow over. In fact, maybe he's just so comfortable with waiting for me to get over it that he doesn't feel the need to put a lot of effort into repairing the damage.

5 - Maybe I'm just jealous because the mutual friends are girls, acquaintances who have developed into our good friends within the past couple months. I've been friends with him for years before we even started dating, and he's never been inclined to be so apologetic for anything he's done to vex me.

6 - When I told him I felt jealous, he told me that he always does emotional-type things for me. My translation of this is, instead of being jealous that he's never that apologetic with me, I should appreciate that he does, in fact, apologize. I don't think he really gets it, but maybe being unappreciative is what's making me focus on the negatives.

All in all though, I'm very disappointed that he doesn't really make as much effort to make things right when I'm angry, whether it's a prank or something more serious, relying on my good sense of humor and my tendency to not stay mad at him for too long instead of making an effort to be apologetic.

I need objective opinions on the matter, please.

How do you react to him when he does something hurtful or otherwise vexing towards you?

Do you go silent and if you must speak to him make your answers very short and cold? Do you take on the feeling "If you don't already know what you did to hurt me, then there's not much I can do to help you fix it".

-OR-

Do you sit down with him and say "Earlier, when you joked that my hair was always frizzy, it hurt my feelings. I am already having a bad enough day with my hair and I really didn't need to hear it from you. I am sure you didn't mean to hurt my feelings so much, but you did and it really upset me."

Honestly, unless you're doing the latter, you can't expect too much out of him. Your friends made it perfectly clear that they were upset because they cut off the friendship.

If you're acting passive aggressive and not really letting him in on the fact that you're upset-then all you're doing is expecting him to read your mind. In relationships, my policy is always to be clear and communicative. If I'm upset and don't even want to talk to him for a while until I can speak to him without crying/yelling, then I simply say "I'm upset right now and really don't want to talk to you. Please give me a little bit." But I always calm down enough to explain why I got upset.

That kind of communication always gets the result that we both need: a mutual understanding of how an action has been interpreted, and the opportunity for a knowledgeable apology. Sometimes, I realize that I over-reacted and it wasn't him who upset me, it was just him on whom I took out my emotions. In that case I apologize to him.

I of course don't know if this information is even relevant to you, because you might be forward and direct as it is and he's simply inconsiderate of you. I just wanted to give you the above for introspection.

Thanks for the input. To be honest, I do have a tendency towards passive aggressiveness, which I have been trying to overcome by being direct and speaking up when he does something to annoy or otherwise upset me. I'm not the type to start yelling and berating him, but I do have a temper, so sometimes I need to take a step back and gather my thoughts before I can put them into words. Unfortunately, this step back involves very little speaking on my part, mainly because I'm afraid I say something regrettable out of anger.

I can't just say, "I'm mad, but I don't want to talk about it right now", because my boyfriend tends to get agitated and keep bugging me to find out why I'm mad, thus agitating me further. I could lie and say there's nothing wrong, just so he won't interrogate me about it... but if I do that, and tell him later that something was bothering me, then of course I'm in the wrong for withholding information. It's a lose-lose situation.

I have used the latter method you (southamerica) mentioned, but sometimes it seems pointless. Quite often he'll be confused, and say something like "but I didn't mean it/didn't do that/don't remember". If I continue to tell him how I feel, he'll say, "sorry then", as if to defuse my anger. The result rarely ever feels like it's worth the effort, so sometimes I'll just let it go and not say anything.

As for our mutual friends, they forgave us and we're on good terms again, so it's not like they cut off the friendship. The prank wasn't anything too serious.

You should say exactly that... "I'm upset, but I need time to cool off before we discuss it." People handle disagreements differently, so it is wise to discuss those differences when things are calm so that each of you can get a better understanding of what the other is comfortable with. This can help to avoid further hurt and angry feelings if someone doesn't understand why the other is not talking to them or won't open up to them.

When you let him know that something has hurt you, you can preface it with telling him you understand it wasn't said to hurt you (hopefully!), but it did just that. Keep it short and to the point.

I think too, while it can be seen as taking someone for granted, people do sometimes expect their partners to roll with their hiccups, missteps, and bad manners. They feel comfortable enough in the relationship that they know when they are not always on their best behavior, it is not going to be perceived as a slight against the other person.

Where else you can you let your hair down if not in the comfort of those you love and who love you? Knowing they love you unconditionally... and put up with some of those annoyances?

Certainly is doesn't give the green light for rudeness and disrespect, and those types of things should be dealt with.

I think you should be very careful, because what I see is a very cool, calm, collected person who makes the mistakes of burying her feelings, until they become resentments, that you turn on yourself, and blame him for it.

When you feel it, express it, so he knows exactly how you feel. At least then he will know when to shut up and give you a hug, and not advice or lip service. To counter this kind of passive aggressive behavior, sometimes you actually have to be brutally honest and express yourself very plainly.

The next time he asks what your problem is, or what are you mad about, tell him, and if you need a minute, tell him, and if you are tired of his solutions, tell him to shut up, and listen.

I suspect you are not use to letting people see the darker side of your nature, but your boyfriend needs to know the total you. So far he seems to not know the depths of your feelings, so open up.

My friend has decided she doesn't want us to be friends anymore. She has cited the following reasons:

1. I'm too absorbed in my relationship
2. I don't make as much effort as she does to do stuff together
3. I didn't notice that something was wrong until she did something drastic, and therefore I don't care
4. I've lost my individuality in my relationship
5. We don't have much in common and she has nothing that links her to me
6. We don't spend time hanging out like we used to
7. I've changed and she doesn't like who I am now

My defenses, which I stated to her, were as follows:

1. When she had a boyfriend that she ignored everyone for, it wasn't an issue. Sure I felt neglected, but I didn't disown her over it.
2. Okay this one I have to concede to her. There are times when she had asked me to do stuff, and I passed, sometimes with preference to hanging out with my boyfriend, other times just a preference for doing something else. I did try to point out a couple occasions where I hung out with her in the absence of my boyfriend, even blowing him off at times... but due to several reasons (her not remembering that I was there, the fact that it was just one or two times in the year) those don't count.
3. I did notice she was being strange towards me over recent times, but it didn't occur to me to ask if I had done something wrong. I thought she was just disinterested in me because we don't have much in common anymore.
4. I strongly disagree with this point. While my boyfriend and I are similar, there are many ways in which we are not the same. The fact that she doesn't know this means suggests that maybe she really doesn't know me anymore.
5. While we haven't been hanging out much together over the past year, we do share a long history together. Apparently this does not count for anything. I don't confide in her anymore; but this is because she has a tendency to disclose what I say to her to other people. So I either just deal with things on my own or confide in other people. I told her this, and as you can imagine it didn't help my situation.
6. I have other friends who I don't see on a regular basis, who I still hold in extremely high importance in my life, and who regard me in the same way. For them, spending time together was secondary to sustaining a friendship, especially when we had such a history together. However, the circumstances with those other friends are regarded as different for people who she doesn't talk to. (My reaction: Huh? O.o)
7. I know I've changed (heck, everyone changes!) but I don't think I'm a bad person. If she doesn't like who I am now, and doesn't want to know me anymore, then nothing I said or did was going to save our friendship.


All in all, we agreed it was time to part ways. I do feel guilty for not investing as much time in our friendship as I should have. Really, I do. I just find it unfair that it was not an issue when she was doing the same thing to me.

I'm sure there's a lesson that I can salvage from this trainwreck of a friendship. So now I'm asking:

- What are your thoughts on my situation? Is there something I can learn from this that I'm not seeing?
- Have you ever neglected a friendship? Share your experience.

The only lesson I'm seeing is that this is Life and things happen and we move on. Have I ever neglected a friendship? Of course, I have. The girl I was BFF with in high school reconnected with me years later, we emailed a lot, and then, when other things were going on in my life, I stopped for a while. She decided I had dropped her. We are no longer friends and in contact. I can tell you at least six similar stories about my neglect. I can also tell you stories about people who neglected me, and I eventually dropped them from my friends list.

No one was angry. It just was and still is Life happening. Any of them may reconnect with me or me with them, and we will probably pick up where we left off.

From birth to death, life is constantly evolving and people come and go. Family members will die, jobs will be changed, and friends will come and go. I ran into my best friend from high school several years after high school. We had lunch and I was completely amazed at how much we did not have in common anymore. But that's life, who were 10 years ago is not who we are today, and who we are today is not who we will be 10 years from now.

You have to always be ready to make adjustments to whatever life throws at you. As sad as it is, its just a part of life.

That's the lesson you must learn, because you never know when you will have these life changing events.

Consider yourself lucky that your friend and you were able to come to an agreement that it was time to end the friendship. That communication saved you both from a lot of heartache that sustaining a dying friendship could have caused.

I was in a friendship that didn't end so harmoniously, and that was partially due to my failure to communicate with my friend. Yes, I'd neglected the friendship, but I did put in an effort to keep it alive. I wanted to save it, but the two little girls who used to play in the back yard had grown up and grown apart.

Friends come into our lives to teach us lessons, and serve the purpose of friendships. Some are only friends for a season. When that season is over, cherish what you had, and don't resent that it's over.

You're out with your partner, and a mutual friend seems intent on trying to get your attention. You're sure that they're attracted to you, and you, being attracted to them but committed to your partner, do nothing while they throw themselves at you. You can't help but check them out, and they catch you looking. It's so obvious to you that they're flirting that you wonder if your significant other notices.

What would you do? And what would you want your partner to do, if they were in the situation?

a) Respond to the advances of the flirter. Flirting isn't really cheating, as long as you don't act on it.
b) Check the flirter out, do but nothing more... no harm in looking right? As long as you're not touching.
c) Discourage the flirtation, for instance by paying more attention to the partner. Avoids mixed signals.
d) Other (please explain further)

I guess it depends on how laid back your partner is, some people are OK with the "look but dont touch" approach. Me personally, I would be more happy with your last option.

We all know most of our partners or ourselves have a little flirt every now and again but to flirt openly in front of him/her is disrespectful.

I'd personally say discourage the flirting, it would be unfair on your friend and your partner to flirt with your friend. Would you be happy if you your partner was flirting? What if you we're the friend and you start to think you have a chance, it hurts to discover you don't!

I have always ignored and discouraged unwanted attention. Why lead someone on when you are not serious?

I think that's what my partner would expect of me. That's what I would expect of her.

How about discussing boundaries with your partner so that you both have the same expectations in the relationship?

My husband is a big flirt and I have no problems with it because we have established boundaries and he doesn't flirt behind behind my back. If it seems to me that he is crossing the line, I let him know and he tones it down. I trust him and respects me. Do you have that type of relationship?

There is a very big difference between innocent flirting and going to far.

If you know that the other person's feelings are more than being friendly, then you should discourage the person. You should not respond by flirting back or 'checking' him/her out. You should explain that you are not available to play games with him/her.

A good rule is don't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How about discussing boundaries with your partner so that you both have the same expectations in the relationship?

My husband is a big flirt and I have no problems with it because we have established boundaries and he doesn't flirt behind behind my back. If it seems to me that he is crossing the line, I let him know and he tones it down. I trust him and respects me. Do you have that type of relationship?

There is a very big difference between innocent flirting and going to far.

If you know that the other person's feelings are more than being friendly, then you should discourage the person. You should not respond by flirting back or 'checking' him/her out. You should explain that you are not available to play games with him/her.

A good rule is don't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do.

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ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again

A good rule is don't do anything that you wouldn't want your partner to do. (cat1864)

Exactly!

I'm generally patient with my significant other, but he isn't nearly as patient with me. I never treat him as though the things he feels strongly about are invalid, even if I don't agree; on the other hand, when I tell him something that he does not agree with, he calls me immature, resorts to treating me with sarcasm and makes comments to the effect that I am oversensitive. When I tell him that I hoped he would be a little kinder to me because I'm pretty kind to him, he responds by saying that he is not me, and therefore, I shouldn't expect that from him.

In that regard, I think I have developed a sense of entitlement, because I tend to expect that he will be patient with me, and not be condescending or insulting, because I am not that way with him. I understand that this is not the way the world works. At the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable to want a little patience from him from time to time, and a lot less sarcasm and ridicule.

Thus far, he has demonstrated that it is his nature to be incapable of neither the patience nor the understanding that I want from a relationship. His justifications of his sarcastic attitude suggest that he sees nothing wrong with saying whatever he wants when he loses patience. I've asked him recently to be more patient with me, and that resulted in him justifying his impatience and ridiculing me for being oversensitive. Maybe it's because of my sense of entitlement, but I feel that I'm the one stuck with the shorter end of the stick in my relationship because my needs aren't being met.

So, other than drop the sense of entitlement, what should I do? Suck it up, and ask him for what I need again? Should I just give up?

Sounds like you have tried to fix this in a mature way! Ask yourself this, what do you get out of this relationship??

Sarcasm and ridicule,;is that what you want from a relationship?

I call sarcasm and ridicule emotional abuse,and I'd have run out of patience long ago.

If your needs aren't being met it's time to end it.

End it... you're not getting what you need from this relationship and he isn't going to change. Unless you can accept that this is his personality, and get used to it, you will continue to have the same results.

You apparently want someone who is more sensitive to your needs, or at least willing to put forth some effort to make an attempt. He doesn't fit either one of those.

When honest communications does not result in changes you both can live with OVER TIME, then you really have to reevaluate if this thing is going the way you want, because the goal of a partnership is to work together to the benefit of you both.

This will probably be seem harsh.

I read the thread and I don't see any honest communications happening in this relationship.

I think you are still being passive aggressive and now call it 'entitlement'. I think you still have a lot of anger stored up and I think he is reacting to that as well as having his own personality issues. I think the two of you are damaging each other.

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. I don't think you have been happy in this relationship for a very long time. I think you have been looking for an out.

I don't think the flirting and checking out the friend was/is as 'innocent' as you were trying to make it out to be. I think you might be on the edge of looking for a replacement for your boyfriend while you are still with him.

If you aren't happy, get out of the relationship. Heal and work on your relationship with yourself. Look at the changes you need to make to be a stronger and healthier partner. When you are ready there will be a partner who is better suited to you than this person seems to be.

Good luck.

Whoa there, Cat1864, don't break a leg jumping to conclusions! The question about flirting was a theoretical scenario, and I asked to find out how people would handle the situation. I've never flirted outside of my relationship, nor did I state that I did. Hell, I've never even been in that situation.

Secondly, entitlement and passive aggressive behavior are not to be confused with one another. I call it entitlement because I expected that he'd treat me with the same kindness I treat him, when in reality, I am not entitled to his reciprocation because I choose to be kind. Passive-aggressive behavior (according to Wikipedia) is a resistance to follow through with expectations in interpersonal situations. There's no such resistance as far as I can tell... I'm definitely not withholding my kindness towards him because of his unkindness towards me. Again, it seems you've confused my most recent question about entitlement with my first question, which had to do with passive-aggressiveness.

Long story short: I don't know whose idea it was to merge my questions, but it seems to be causing massive confusion of the issue at hand. As such, I really think that my questions should be treated separately.

banzai,

I think your two posts are very similar. You are not being heard, or at least your feelings are not being considered, in your relationship.

It comes down to whether you feel he will change given the number of times you have talked to him about it. If you want to continue trying to get him to behave towards, respond to, and acknowledge you and your feelings the way you would like him to, that is up to you.

However, since this has apparently been on-going, and you have tried to talk to him about, only to basically have your thoughts be dismissed, it appears you will continue to be faced with the same treatment.

Unless he is willing to even acknowledge that he might need to make some changes, either verbally to you or silently to himself, it isn't going to happen.

You could ask about seeing a counselor together, but I get the feeling he would see this as your problem, not a problem for the two of you, and certainly not his problem.

Let me explain why your threads were merged. Because they were about the same thing, even though you tried to approach it differently. That the whole problem in your relationship that you need to see, none of your approaches have brought the changes you seek simply because you want HIM to change. That never works. You have to change yourself, to change the situation and the only choices you have are to remove yourself, or accept who he is.

Neither are easy choices and require a lot of thought. So lets drop the semantics, accept you can't change him, and go from there. Doesn't matter how you parse this, YOU have to choose how YOU will proceed given the facts.

What usually happens when a partner is unwilling to leave, they find someone else that understands, and listens to them. Hopefully, in your case, a good best friend because he don't care to understand your feelings, or do anything about them.

You chose him. You can always UN-CHOOSE him also, and that would get his attention, and he would have to make a choice. But you aren't that willing are you? You would rather find ways to change his behavior.

Good luck with that.

Just so you know, theoretical questions are in the member discussion forum. Multiple relationship questions by the same poster, are always merged, just so all the facts, or lies can be in one place.

Sound advice, talanaiman... and of course I wish I could change his behaviour, but I know I can't. However, what I CAN do is make sure he understands where I am coming from, and then he can decide on that basis whether he can accept it or not.

I'm not about to un-choose him just to get his attention... to be honest, something always irks me about that approach. In my opinion, there's a difference between changing as a result of understanding and acceptance, and being forced to change to avoid an undesirable outcome. But that's just me; it has worked for other people I know. They both lead to the same result, right?

Finally, I was unaware that you're only supposed to ask questions relevant to your own relationship here. My apologies.

Could it be that he does understand what you express, but chooses his own way of reacting? That's the part you don't like, his reaction which is not what you want.

It makes you feel a certain way, and there is the conflict, because you have yet to speak in a language he understands. May I suggest the blunt honesty in telling him how his reactions make you feel, and then convey what you expect? If you go through this whole thread you can see the misunderstanding that comes from clarity of the way you express yourself. Comparing him to others may be a mistake also simply because you expect things to work a certain way, and it doesn't then you have to find that works with him. It's a process, so keep an open mind so you can keep a perspective that allows you some valuable crucial information about how HIS mind works.

This is how couples learn each others language, and actually communicate. No telling what's on his mind when you tell him things, so find out, so you know how to react to him better. If he himself is too stubborn, or unwilling, or UNABLE, to give you the sense that he listens, pays attention, and understands you, then you do have a decision to make.

How long have you been with this fellow and how old are you both?? I ask because I see a disconnect in expectations that may be due to you both being new to each other, and your ways, and simply have not put communications on a better track, or maybe you both are very stubborn in the way you go about dealing with each other.

LOL, yes you are very stubborn, so don't deny it. And it occurs to me that you may not know what to do about a male that does not cater to your sensitivity. Yes you are that too, and need a lot of emotional attention. A lot! That's only my opinion, mind you, but you will correct me if I am wrong. Yes I have formed an opinion, because I have been paying attention to everything you write. Hopefully I will get a reaction that yields more facts as frankly, facts are like pulling teeth, even though we are anonymous here.

This thread is funny because the girl that recently broke up with me had the same issues. She would never let anything go (I'm talking about stuff that happened at the beginning of our relationship that was very petty; trust me she threw it in my face when she dumped me). This is my insight as to what happened to me when I would get communication of my gf's feelings: 1) it was usually something that happened months ago and she never told me she was upset at the time the event happened (whatever it may be), 2) after I either apologized or tried we discussed her hurt feelings, she would revert back to that same example in the future (she didn't truly let it go).

I don't feel like we had a communication issue; it really boiled down to her not letting things go that I had no idea affected her because she didn't tell me in the past it upset her. I believe it is because she did the same thing you did; she calmly reflected and over-analyzed a past situation, in which she became upset again. Anyone can do that; find anything that upset you in the past (that you thought you were over), then over analyze it. The same feelings will return. The key is letting things go, pick your battles, and tell him everything you told us (how you can't put your feelings into words when you are upset). As a man, I understand that line. But don't repress your feelings, nor dwell on them. Your story is the same as mine almost; my girlfriend started building resentment inside herself over things that occurred in the past and to me, were resolved. No matter what I did to try to prevent this resentment; she built it anyway because she wouldn't let things go.

The best word of advice I could say is; don't look back, you can't ever look back. What happened in the past is exactly what it is. Just put it on the table with your boyfriend, tell him what you told us, and move forward; let it go (unless it is something that your boyfriend really has done wrong; things like that are usually obvious).

Good luck to you!

Talaniman,

To answer your questions, yes, it is possible that he understands me just fine, but I'd rather be sure than assume. Also, we've been together for a year and a half, and we're both in our mid-twenties. And yes, I'm both stubborn and sensitive. Not sure about the need-for-lots-of-emotional-attention thing though... never really thought about it. Either way, I hope your keen analysis of my personality is leading up to some sort of relevant point which could be useful in my own introspection regarding the issue at hand.

Blindsided,

That's an interesting perspective. Thanks for the insight. ^_^

No problem; but remember, I am coming from a perspective of a man. Sometimes you just got to give us a break; we aren't usually trying to intentionally trying to hurt our girlfriend's feelings. Most guys just want their girlfriends to be happy because it makes us happy. Yea we do stupid stuff, but trust me, we usually feel bad about it. We just don't admit to it

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Originally Posted by banzai

Talaniman,

To answer your questions, yes, it is possible that he understands me just fine, but I'd rather be sure than assume. Also, we've been together for a year and a half, and we're both in our mid-twenties. And yes, I'm both stubborn and sensitive. Not sure about the need-for-lots-of-emotional-attention thing though...never really thought about it. Either way, I hope your keen analysis of my personality is leading up to some sort of relevant point which could be useful in my own introspection regarding the issue at hand.

Blindsided,

That's an interesting perspective. Thanks for the insight. ^_^

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By not addressing your feelings and concerns you are building resentments because you are unsure whether your partner understands you. This may be a sign of insecurity, maybe from his actions, or some other event in your life that hasn't been addressed and causes you some sort of fear.

Hard to say, but your statement of making sure, and not presuming that he does understand how you feel is probably something to look into, especially given how HE reacts to your concerns. Not unusual for a guy not to be especially sensitive, but communications and understanding is an ongoing process, with a lot of trial, and error.

Seldom is there instant success, or positive results. To expect change over night is unrealistic, and getting to carried away by feelings of frustration, fear, and obstacles distracts us from the goal of working together through honest communications to resolve issues to the benefit of you both.

I can only suggest that you give more thought to the HOW, WHEN, and WHAT of the way you express yourself to your guy, with emphasis on clarity, and HONESTY, that means when your sensitive side is dominant, he must know it, so he can best deal with it. He has to have the FACTS from you as well as the feelings behind them.

Be patient, as you cannot always act on your own feelings without careful thought, just so you can be clear, and HE doesn't have to assume or presume what it is that has you all worked up, or what you are trying to accomplish, so he knows what react, or feedback you expect, and want, and need from him.

If neither of you already has these communications skills, you have to be willing to gain them through working WITH each other. Some never get it, or are willing to get it, and they seldom survive together.

In this way Blindside is right, letting go of past failures, is the key to dealing with the present problems.

Simply put, you are trying to hard, and your expectations may be unreasonable given your level of experience with communicating with your partner. It takes a lot of patience to communicate, and while you expect empathy from him, you must give it also, and that still translates to patience, as he learns about YOU!

Reread your entire post, as I did, with an open mind, and you will see what I mean. Having an open mind will get you more facts you need to know, that pushing to be understood. When you push, people push back.