Entire story merged

I have been seeing a very attractive lady for three months. We have grown very close and are very much in love. Here is my dilemma. She has a personal trainer who is a former Chippendale model. She has been working out with him for about a year. He has a studio gym and during her workouts, it’s just the two of them alone in the studio. We have discussed this and she has assured me there has never been anything sexual between them. However, I do know they have an emotional connection as she discusses her personal life with him and they are clearly friends. I am trying to be an adult and believe this is just a professional relationship, but I continue to be uncomfortable with this situation. Now she tells me her trainer is bringing in a massage therapist and she has signed up for a one hour massage after her next workout. This really makes me uncomfortable because I don’t like the thought of another man touching her body. My mind is running wild with all of the scenarios associated with her and two good looking athletic men alone in a studio gym for two hours. I want to be cool with this and trust her, but it is proving to be very difficult and is making me very uncomfortable. Am I being irrational? Any advice?

Unless she has proven to you that you cannot trust her, then all I can say is "SHAME ON YOU" for not trusting her!! Jealousy comes down to your own self confidence!! For whatever reason you don't feel good enough for this woman due to her physical appearance. Why don't you just give her a little credit that obviously you have qualities that she admires and Don't SCREW THIS UP by your insecurity!

If you keep telling how YOU feel uncomfortable about her being around basically GOOD looking,built guys, she is going to get sick of you thinking that she doesn't have any descent moral fiber and will realize that there is a man out there for her that not only admires her phsycal appearance, but also KNOWS that she is also a descent woman INSIDE and that is who she will be with. Good luck

I think you're the one that has the issues. You seem to be a little insecure and jealous.

You need to trust her completely unless she's done something that seems to make her untrustworthy.

Just because her trainer is a good looking guy doesn't mean that she's going to throw all her morals out the window and sleep with him. Besides, the trainer just may have a girlfriend all his own.

It's not easy to feel comfortable with this kind of arrangement. It's understandable to feel somewhat jealous and insecure about her being alone in a room with two attractive men on a regular basis.

The key is to accept the nature of her work and to trust her. Her situation isn't going to change, the only thing that can change is your own thoughts.

I suggest that you focus on building a stronger relationship with her. Once you have a strong foundation, the rest will fall into place.

I see your points, but I do not think I have an "issue" or am being unusually jealous or insecure. I do not think it is unreasonable to be uncomfortable with the situation. I also think when you are in a relationship, you should not put yourself in situations that could possibly make your partner uncomfortable regardless of the innocence of the situation.

I would like to hear from some men who have had similar situations with their girl friends or wives. How did you feel and respond?

Hey man, I'm a guy!

Unfortunately, insecurities has more to do with it than you think. If I was in your situation, I would trust that my girlfriend is keeping things professional and that she would not do anything that she wouldn't want me to do.

Have you reversed the situation with you? Have you asked her how she would feel if you were working with two beautiful women and had lots of physical contact?

Maybe the two of you see relationships differently, it's time to have a one on one conversation with your girlfriend to lay out some ground rules that both of you can agree on.

I agree with Wish--you need to sit down and have a one-one conversation with her. I do want to add this thought, I know you want to hear from men's point of views, however here is mine as a WOMAN. You have only been seeing each other for 3 months and you KNEW what her profession was from the start of this relationship. You are NOW wanting to set rules up as to what YOU feel is appropriate for HER profession.

I just saying be very cafeful how you approach this so she does not see you as a insecure individual who is trying to tell her was is and isn't appropriate choices to make as a personnel trainer. You might want to find out what are the in's and out's to her profession.

We have discussed it and she said she wouldn't have a problem if the situation was reversed. But I think it is easy to say that when you are not actually faced with the situation. To this point I have tried to be supportive, but have admitted to her that it bothered me, but I was trying to work through it. I do agree more time in the relationship should help as we have only been together 3 months. I really want to have complete trust in her, I just think it is going to take time. This would be much easier if not for the baggage of past experiences. It is not necessarily her, its more that I am very guarded.

Clarification... She is not a personal trainer. She is a paying client of the personal trainer.

She has been involved professionally and as a friend with him for nine months longer than she has been involved with you. If she were going to have more of a relationship with him than she does, it would have happened a long time ago. Okay, he is bringing in a massage therapist (Would you feel better if this person was a female or would your mind jump to other conclusions?) to make more money and offer more services. So what? It may mean that there will be more business and more people around.

You say something that I think hits the nail on the head: Past experiences. How long were you single before you became involved with her? Did you heal from the past and toss out the baggage before this relationship?

I think you are full of mixed emotions right now. You talk about being 'guarded' which usually means the person is holding some part of themselves back. It can be in conflict with trusting and loving another person. Do you really care for her as much as you have said or are you trying to convince yourself? You say you care about her to the point of believing it is love, but the past is influencing how you perceive her interactions with others. Is this relationship happening faster than you are comfortable with? Do you need to slow down and allow the trust to build over time?

I think you need to look at how open to trusting her you are. If you want her to change something that she has been doing for a year because you of your insecurity, what will be next? The friends she actually hangs out with? Where she works? Temptation is everywhere. If you can control yourself, why do you think she can't?

Previous response is very very good! You have raised some questions that are veru insightful. I have been divorced for 5 years. I had my first relationship after one year and it was laced with lies and convenient deciet. I felt like I was over that, but I have since been very guarded. This is my first meaningful relationship since then, it has been about 4 years. As you have suggested, it has progressed a little fast, but I do believe that I am in love with her. You are correct, if something was going to happen it would have happened before we started our relationship. As she has said, nothing has ever happened between them and I have to believe her.Yes I would be fine if it were a girl massage therapist. No I have not asked her to change anything and would not unless it was an obvious problem. I am trying to trust her and like I have said, this is more about me than it is her. I just have to work through it and learn to trust again. Thanks for your insight, it was very good and you don't even know me... Wow!

I have been dating a woman for 4 months. The relationship has been very intense (in a good way) from the beginning. She works a lot out of town and up until recently we were together most every day when she was in town. Over the holidays we were able to spend a couple of weeks together. Towards the end of this time she became withdrawn and distant. We get along well and have yet to have an argument. I questioned her withdrawal and she said she realized she needed more time alone. I told her I understood, thinking she meant a day or two, but she has since admitted she thinks our relationship has moved to quickly and she thinks we should slow it down and only see each other a couple days a week. For the next month she has some down time and wants to go to her beach house which is 5 hours away. I was looking forward to spending this time together with her, but her new revelation has really shook me up. I love her dearly and want her to be happy, at the same time I want to see her and spend time with her while she is available. She has assured me it has nothing to do with us and she has no desire to see anyone else... What does her revelation mean?. What should I think?. How should I react?

Tell her that her wish is her command. But let her know that you don't want to be put on a shelf only to be taken down whenever SHE feels like playing.

Maybe she IS getting cold feet because the relationship has taken off so fast.

It also could be that she is getting a cold HEART.

If it's meant to be, then it will be.

Good luck to you.

Moving too fast in any relationship could cause desastrous results. She may have realized this and wants to take a step back and breath. Give her the time she is asking for. We all need time and space from time to time.

You did say that you have spent all her free time together. When has she had some space for herself. I get the impression you have your own space when she is out of town... when does she get hers? Everyone even the most loving relationships needs time to do their own thing. It doesn't mean they love you less.

Crowding her too much will only push her away.

Being out of town is the same for her as it is for me, time apart. In our normal routine, when she is in town she is at home while I am working, so this is her time as well.

It's only been 4 months. That is a short amount of time to be spending all of your free time together. Personally, I want some "me" time once in awhile. It keeps things sane. I don't think she is being cold hearted or out of line by saying she doesn't want to spend every spare minute with you. You each should have your own life, which involves hanging out with friends or having personal time without each other. Give her some room and take advantage of this room to do things on your own. 4 months is awfully quick to be in love also. I think you both should slow it down a tad.

I think this is being made into a bigger deal than it really is. What ever happened to dating to have FUN? No need to turn it into some drawn out soap opera. Let things progress naturally and have FUN!!

There are two things came in mind when I heard the story. One being , the 'the relationship being too fast' thing, she must be having some reasons to say that,which ofc you should find out but ofc don't push her to spill out the answer just let her answer naturally and ask at the right time .

The second thing that came in my mind is 'honeymoon period'. In a relationship early stage tend to be fresh, new and very passionate stage where two couples still REALLY eager to each other thus it is called honeymoon phase. How long this phase lasts depend on the people who into the relationship and yeah when the phase ends it is when the real relationship begins,u have been with this girl for 4 months so obviously the honeymoon stage aka the 'eagerness' between you two must be starting to fade abit.

Anyway for now just like above posters said you should listen to her request and give her space and time,keep in touch with her but don't do it to frequent, assure her that you want to be with her step by step and if she thinks it is too fast for her you can slow down the pace abit for her

Ok, a little more info, we both dove into the relationship head first and she was already talking about getting maried later this year. I wasn't sure about that but didn't dismiss it either. Again, up until the holidays, we spent between 3 to 4 days a week apart, so there was plenty of alone time. This should resume once her work schedule resumes after January. I have agreed to her request. As of now the best way I can describe our relationship is casual but exclusive. I want to give her the space she has requested, but I don't feel the relationship can go on this way indefinitely. I am willing to try this for a while, but if she still needs this kind of space in a few months, I will have to move on as I want and need a more traditional relationship.

This really sucks! I have a constant knot in my stomach. How do I go from a full blown, loving, devoted, relationship to casual but exclusive? She is going to be gone for the next 3 - 4 weeks doing her thing, whatever that is, at her beach house, while I am here at home doing nothing! I don't really have any single friends to hang out with, I don't want to go out alone and I can't see anyone else because we are still exclusie... HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Let her have this time to herself. While she is gone reconnect with some of your friends and find things to do that you enjoy doing on your own. If you can't stand to be alone with yourself why should anyone else want to be alone with you?

lvgmng, please review the rules on using the Comments/Ratings feature. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html We try to reserve negative ratings for factually incorrect or extremely dangerous advice. Differences of opinions should be discussed in the thread.

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She works a lot out of town and up until recently we were together most every day when she was in town.

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I think a piece of the puzzle you are missing is that when she is in town she tends to spend time with you instead of doing her own thing. When she is out of town, she is working, she is in hotels, she isn't in her 'space' with her belongings able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. She needs time and space in her own place. How often does she really spend time with friends and family when she is in town?

She may have just realized how fast the relationship is developing. She may be starting to feel what affect your insecurity due to other matters may be having on the relationship and her. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...st-536868.html

Let things calm down a bit. It is very hard to keep up an 'intense' pace without something breaking down. Think of this as maintenance time where you get to take care of making certain your support systems are in working order.

Get out and make new friends who are single or get together with old friends who aren't. Find a hobby you enjoy. Make certain that you have a life apart from work and the relationship.

Last post was very good, but please answer me this. How do I go from being intimately involved in all aspects with this woman to just being casually involved. We used to talk and text multiple times a day, that has stopped, I may or may not hear from her once a day and then she keeps the conversation very shallow and doesn't say much about what she has been doing or what she is going to do. This is killing me. It is like I have been reduced to just a casual friend she relates with on occaision. For me its like we have broken up but I'm still in limbo.

Moderator, it appears you have deleted my most recent question by merging them. Can you please add the rest of my question back?

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Originally Posted by NCDad

Moderator, it appears you have deleted my most recent question by merging them. Can you please add the rest of my question back?

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Are you referring to what is now post #13?

No, my original question under "Less Time Together" is gone and replaced by the previous question of mine.

How do I go from being intimately involved in all aspects with this woman to just being casually involved. We used to talk and text multiple times a day, that has stopped. I may or may not hear from her once a day and then she keeps the conversation very shallow and doesn't say much about what she has been doing or what she is going to do. This is killing me. It is like I have been reduced to a casual friend she relates with on occaision. For me its like we have broken up but I'm still in limbo.

He meant post #20 Cat, and thats the price that people pay for starting new threads about the same thing.

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How do I go from being intimately involved in all aspects with this woman to just being casually involved.

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It starts with having a life that you enjoy without her. I suspect not only did this thing move to fast, but you were a bit smothering. Whatever the reason she has backed way off, and you need to do the same, because you really have no relationship that's committed, at least not to her, so she has a right to do her thing, and you should be doing yours. Not obsessing over a quick fling that has fizzled out.

Its mostly accepting her actions as a hint her feelings don't jibe with yours, and bowing out gracefully, regrouping, and have something else to do that doesn't include her.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because you're stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that’s just plain crazy.

Look up the word stuck, and you will understand where you are.

Uh, yes we were in a committed and exclusive relationship and I was no more smothering than she was, she was the one that had already started planning our wedding and telling her friends we were getting married. It's not always the guy's fault you know. Neither would I call it quick fling. Regardless, I am matching her level of intensity at this point and definitely plan to enjoy my free time too. Thanks for all the comments!

lvgmng does not find this helpful : I felt it was a little on the negative side

How about reading the site rules? Do you "feel" like doing that?

"Disagrees" are for factually incorrect answers only.

We welcome all new members to give their input, but we do expect them to obligate themselves to actually READ the terms of service, and site rules before they arrogantly jump in.

Update... The beautiful lady and I were married in April. We have a great relationship. From all appearances she is very devoted and committed to me. Because of this I have managed to overcome most of my trust issues. However, very recently I became aware of something that has caused me concern and it again involves her trainer. I have become aware that when they text each other he calls her sweetie and she calls him babe! She is not aware that I know this. Recently we were talking about their relationship and she continues to maintain they have never dated or been together and to quote "he has never been anything less than professional with her". Still I find it very odd and troubling that they exchange terms of endearment, to me this indicates their relationship however innocent is more than professional. I need feedback and suggestions on how to handle this and what I should do.

As you already know, they are friends. Friends often have endearments that mean nothing more than acknowledging the friendship and being comfortable talking with each other as they should be.

However, you also live in the South where babe, honey, sweetie, etc. are used for just about anyone and everyone. It means nothing more than being friendly.

I don't know how you found out what they call each other when they text, but that might be more disturbing than what you found. It is also disturbing that you are on here asking us about this rather than talking to her.

You married her. She married you. She didn't go out with him or marry him. Even if she did, she had plenty of opportunity before you even came on the scene if he was what she wanted. Pack up your insecurities and toss them out. Get rid of them so that you don't keep tripping over them. Do not allow them to become a wall between the two of you.

Have fun with your beautiful new bride and Congratulations.

Just curious, what in your past has you so insecure that honest communications doesn't reassure you? If my math is correct, you have known each other, or dating for less than a year right?

Talaniman, I guess it was how in January and February she did the complete 180 leaving me in total limbo. That left me highly sensitive to anything that appears suspicious. Her referring to him as babe just seems very strange. I know I would never refer to any of my female friends as babe, I reserve that level of endearment for her only. I wonder how she would react if the tables were turned?

So what led to you getting back on the same page enough to get married? After seeing what her moods were capable of? Personally, I think you are not so use to her ways as to have a proper frame of reference as to her style, and maybe expecting her to act the same way you would has you thrown off.

Usually as we get to know people, we get use to their quirks, or style, and make adjustments, not worry about what every new thing that's different is about to the point that causes us distress. I think that's common with partners. To be honest, if that's all you have are terms of endearment, casual at that, I think you may be letting yourself be carried away by your own fears, and letting them affect how you deal with the new, and different thing you are learning.

But I can tell you it's a bad sign when you don't believe her when she does try to reassure you. Are you positive you have put your trust issues behind you?? Regardless of your feelings, and what you have been through, its obvious through out your entire post that you both have much to learn of each other, and you seem to be rushing the process. Judging things through the filter of your own feelings make you less OBJECTIVE in my opinion, and hinders adjustments to be made.

Have you been snooping on her, and that's how you gained this latest observation??

Well let me just say it's things such as this that raise my suspicions. I have tried to be more objective putting my issues behind me, but then I happen upon something like this and those issue are brought back to the surface. I'm just saying that knowing her as I do (granted less than a year) I can't see her calling him babe in a casual friendly manner, that just doesn't compute. It would be like me calling one of my female co-workers babe, it is very out of context.

One of my closest friends is male to whom I converse with daily and is indeed my 'babe', 'hunny', 'sweetie' and any other form of endearement. My dearest friends of the female gender are also 'babe' & 'hun'.

My closest friend (male) hugs me, link arms as we walk and generally act as if we're a couple. But, he's gay.

That ever been a consideration?

Oh, this guy is definitely NOT gay. He is a former Chippendale, a male model and her personal trainer.

HARSHNESS WARNING

This is complete and utter bull:

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Originally Posted by NCDad

Talaniman, I guess it was how in January and February she did the complete 180 leaving me in total limbo.

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January and February are when she was reacting to your insecurities that you told us about in December.


Please tell me where her actions started your insecurities. Remember this:

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Originally Posted by NCDad

Entire story merged

I have been seeing a very attractive lady for three months. We have grown very close and are very much in love. Here is my dilemma. She has a personal trainer who is a former Chippendale model. She has been working out with him for about a year. He has a studio gym and during her workouts, it's just the two of them alone in the studio. We have discussed this and she has assured me there has never been anything sexual between them. However, I do know they have an emotional connection as she discusses her personal life with him and they are clearly friends. I am trying to be an adult and believe this is just a professional relationship, but I continue to be uncomfortable with this situation. Now she tells me her trainer is bringing in a massage therapist and she has signed up for a one hour massage after her next workout. This really makes me uncomfortable because I don't like the thought of another man touching her body. My mind is running wild with all of the scenarios associated with her and two good looking athletic men alone in a studio gym for two hours. I want to be cool with this and trust her, but it is proving to be very difficult and is making me very uncomfortable. Am I being irrational?? Any advice?

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This is about you and no one else. Either you get your head together and look at what you have or you continue to blame her and her trainer for their friendship and drive her away.

You knew from the beginning that he is her trainer and friend. You have created scenarios that feed your insecurities. It is up to you to change as supposedly you had or I doubt she would have married you. (By the way, it is not uncommon for male models and Chippendale's Dancers to be homosexual.)

You may not have told her about your latest issue, but I can guarantee that you are probably showing that something is wrong. How much tension do you think she is willing to live with before she asks what is wrong? How are you going to answer her? With confrontation and accusations or with open communication and letting her know you are working on your issues?

You know, I suppose if I told you I had become aware that she and her trainer had kissed or had been meeting secretly for lunch or had been having casual sex, I would still get the blame for being insecure. Thise things are perfectly normal and innocent, RIGHT! No one has even acknowledged that it is inappropriate for a married woman to refer to another man as "babe", which is an intimate, sexual, term of endearment. In fact it is what she calls ME! So, either he is on the same level with her as me or "babe" means nothing more than "hey you". Regardless, I reserve this address for only the person I love and am in an intimate loving relationship with. I would never call another woman "babe". And, she is not the typical southern flo-jo who calls everyone honey, dear, sweetheart, or sugar cakes . I have never heard here refer to any man other than me (and now him) as "babe". To me this is just inappropriate. Thus I do not agree that it is all in my head and all about me and my insecurities!

I know what I will do. I will go hire me a smoking hot "babe" as my very own personal trainer and all will be well. I can see her three days a week, call her "babe" or whatever I want, maybe even do lunch sometime. It's all good, perfectly normal. Right?

Have they kissed or had sex? No, according to you.

Are they friends and have a working relationship? Yes, according to you.

I am not your typical southern flo-jo either. It takes me a long time to get comfortable enough to use endearments with anyone other than my children. My husband had to wait months before I called him 'dear' when we started dating. However, now, because of how secure I am with him and our relationship, I can allow myself to be less reserved around others. I guess I am lucky that my husband encourages the less up-tight me. If he didn't I couldn't be here trying to help others.

My point is that she may not be as reserved on the inside as you want her to be. Loving you and being secure in your relationship may be freeing up who she really is. In a way, it is like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.

You seem to place a lot of power in one word. Does she know how you view that endearment? Have you told her how you feel or are you sulking and pouting because she dared to call someone else by a very common pet name? She calls you husband. Isn't that word worth more than a casual 'dear'?

(Have they kissed or had sex? No, according to you.) No, not no according to me, no according to her. (Are they friends and have a working relationship? Yes, according to you.) Yes supposedly Client and Advisor relationship. And yes she married me and calls me husband which is exactly why she should not be calling him "babe". Loving me and being secure in our relationship, should not give her the freedom to express her intimate feelings and expressions to other men, it should do the opposite. I don't want her to be up-tight, but I don't expect her to call other men "babe". It's not just one word, it's the connotation behind it. I know her and it means she is very very friendly with him to the degree that she uses an intimate, sexual, term of endearment to address him. It would be no different than calling, him honey, or sweetheart etc... which to me is totally inappropriate. I don't consider "babe" a very common pet name for a friend. Again it puts him on the same level as me, which is a level no other man in her life should have. I am not sulking, I am concerned and offended. Is it not possible that while she married me for safety and security, yet maintains her "friendship" with him which clearly has a degree of intimacy with the clear potential of an emotional affair or even a "fwb"? This happens all the time!

'Babe' is a sexual term? Is that really the only way it is used in your mind? Is it in hers?

I am sorry but I think you need to communicate with her and find out what it means to her. Be honest with her about why you are asking. Listen to what she has to say and pay attention.

If she knows how you feel, then together you can compromise on what is acceptable and what isn't. Right now, this is all in your mind. Is it fair to her to be held accountable for something she doesn't even know about? Do you really want a marriage where your wife has to walk on eggshells because she doesn't know what will trigger your insecurities next or even that she has triggered them?