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Hi guys. This is my first post here. I needed some advice

Ok. A couple of Fridays ago I go on a date with an old friend from grade school that I hadn't seen in close to 7 years. The date went perfect. I ended up staying the night with her.

While in the bed we started making out and almost got to the point of sex but she said she didn't want to give it up so soon. But it was obvious that she was attracted to me.

So the next morning we get up and exchange goodbyes. The following Wednesday and Thursday I come back to her house and we're having a good time. More fooling around but we didn't have sex. This time she said she wanted to but was on her period. Im almost certain if I go see her next week, we will probably have sex.

This brings me to my question. While we're in-person, she's all over me (acting affectionately and sexual). She's constantly talking about how I'm such a great guy and how we've hit it off. BUT when I'm not around she doesn't seem to pay me much attention. Considering the fact that we have come so close to sex multiple times I would expect her to want to have more frequent communication with me. She never initiates phone calls/texts/ or dates (I text her everyday just to say hi, call every few days, and want to get into the habit of seeing her at least twice weekly). She doesn't blow me off and she is willing to see me, but its just confusing and a little disheartening that she doesn't seem to want more communication with me. I'm used to girls at least texting me daily when we get to the point I'm at with this girl.

I should also note: last week she told me that she has been dating someone else since around may. They're not exclusive and she says it isn't that serious. She also said that he doesn't treat her the way she wants to be treated, but that she thought she should tell me. Ironically she said that it seems like she's the one always getting blown off by him and that she's putting more effort into their "dating". I was a little turned off by her telling me this, but I've decided to deal with it because I want to pursue something furhter with her

She says that she is starting to like me, as I am her, but her actions when not in my presence are a little opposite of that. I have a desire to speak to her at least once everyday but she doesn't share this. What should I do? Am I coming on too strong? Also, at this point how often should I be seeing her and just calling/texting?

We're both 21 y.o. seniors at two separate but nearby universities.

Sounds like she has a busy life and is not really overthinking the dating,or treating this like a relationship,which its not.

She's setting the pace and letting things unfold at a slow and natural pace.

It may not be the way things usually are with you maybe she's something different.

Don't worry about the calls texts etc,its teenager-ish at this stage in the getting to know you process for adults!

Chill. Relax.

Let her lead,if you call wait until she returns your call/text before you send another.

Keep things easy and light and fun.

Dating is about getting to know each other before you decide on a relationship.

Get busy doing other things during the week so your not hung up on calling or texting her.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

sounds like she has a busy life and is not really overthinking the dating,or treating this like a relationship,which its not.

shes setting the pace and letting things unfold at a slow and natural pace.

it may not be the way things usually are with you maybe shes something differant.

dont worry about the calls texts etc,its teenager-ish at this stage in the getting to know you process for adults!

chill. relax.

let her lead,if you call wait untill she returns your call/text before you send another.

keep things easy and light and fun.

dating is about getting to know each other before you decide on a relationship.

get busy doing other things during the week so your not hung up on calling or texting her.

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Thanks redhead... that advice was well needed.

Another question. I've spoken to some of my friends and they say that sometimes girls like to fall back and let the man intiate the dates , etc... if this is true in my situation, how often do you think is appropriate for me to set up dates/hanging out with her?

I think you ought to back off and let her contact you.
If she doesn't that would mean she is not as interested as you, as she does not seem to be contacting you anyway.

Your both adults.

Talk about it!

Next time you meet ask her out on a date for the weekend,dinner,movie, there classics,you can't go too far wrong.

Bowling is good fun,try and steer away from drink related dates until you get to know her better.

Your friends are not dating her,you are,there not talking to her,you are.

Shrug off the teenage insecurity,be your own man,she'll like you for you,and if she does'ent you have not lost anything,and you move on.

As I said just relax about it,have fun,let things unfold at their own pace.

Call her and ask her out if you want but I think you should keep it out of the bedroom for a while. Establish some kind of relationship besides making out. Maybe have a conversation or two. Find out what she is about, her like and dislikes. Maybe you'd get a better feel for who she is.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think you ought to back off and let her contact you.
If she doesn't that would mean she is not as interested as you, as she does not seem to be contacting you anyway.

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How long should I back off for?

And, she does seem extremely interested while in person. I try to play it cool, while she initiates most of the affectionate/sexual behavior and we have great conversation. Its just when we are not together, she seems less interested. But she never rejects my offers to hang out.

I guess I'm just not used to this type of behavior from a woman. Its almost as if the roles have been reversed. I find myself pining after her and starting to grow emotions while it seems she is off doing her own thing... not exactly a position I want to be in lol

I want to continue to see her regularly and make progression but don't want to scare her off

You don't want to be sniffing after her like a puppy dog either.
I would stay away from the affectionate stuff though, you don't even know how she feels about you, other than wanting to make out.
If that is the only kind of relation ship you want, go ahead but let her contact you sometimes then you'll know if she is really interested.

She is obviously a lot more experienced with the dating scene than you are and that's why you have know clue what to do. Here you are following your little head and she is doing her thing the way she wants to. There is nothing wrong with that on her part, but for you, back up from the making out and thoughts of sex, because they blind you to reality. You think a female should show you interest so YOU will know what to do. Seldom works that way. And sense all you know is what the little head tells you, then you miss the facts that are right in front of you.

x)She dates others for fun, and frolic.
x)She sees you for fun and frolic.
x)All you have done is make out.
x)You have never dated, not even for fun and frolic
x)Yet you want more already, which I think it's the little head talking here.
x)She has a life she enjoys besides you, and I doubt she changes it.
x)You are probably one of many
x)You really don't know what goes through her head when your not there

So you better think with your big head, and if you can't date, and have fun, then you better leave her alone, before she shows you some reality, and get your little heart broken because you can't control your own intense feelings. Nor can tell love from lust. Here is a hint based in fact, Lust fades, and love grows, so don't get carried away, and think you found gold or something. You won't know for many dates if that's true or not, and it would be a shame to have all your attention on her while you are just one of many she gives attention too.

You would almost think this were some mans dream. A cool chick that your in to, steamy make out sessions, she continues to hang out with you but she isn't glued to your arse. Dang it all boy take it and run with it. Have fun with it. Would you rather her be calling nonstop, questioning every move you make and texting you like a mad woman? Let her be herself and live life. Tal said it best. She is having fun and so should you. If its something that's going to turn serious you both will know. For now just get to know each other and stop stressing.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

You would almost think this were some mans dream. A cool chick that your in to, steamy make out sessions, she continues to hang out with you but she isnt glued to your arse. Dang it all boy take it and run with it. Have fun with it. Would you rather her be calling nonstop, questioning every move you make and texting you like a mad woman? Let her be herself and live life. Tal said it best. She is having fun and so should you. If its something thats going to turn serious you both will know. For now just get to know each other and stop stressing.

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Yea, I think you and Tal are right. I have been spending too much time stressing and worrying about "what-ifs". Im going to try to detach myself emotionally from her and just roll with it for a little bit, while branching out and doing my own thing as well.

We're supposed to be hanging out later this evening, so I guess I'll just see what happens and go with the flow. Thanks for your input!

Well good luck and keep us updated.

Well we hung out a couple of days ago. We had a good time; went to dinner; good conversaton; lots of laughs.

So we get back to her place and start talking some more. While I'm in mid-conversation she just wraps her arms around me and we start making out. We ALMOST get to the point of sex but she says "we need to stop"

So then we start talking and I asked her what the problem was. She says "she doesnt want to get hurt", to which I repsond "i like you, and i dont want to hurt you, and that im actually more afraid that you're going to hurt me (see original post)"

After this exchange she says that she's starting to like me as well but that she's been misled by previous men and that she's not really ready for a relationship, or to get serious enough to have sex. And I responded to this by stating that "im for real and that i dont want to play with her". Her response to this was that she "believes me but wish that i had come around at a time when she was more receptive to it." But she said she's enjoys my company and wants to continue seeing me, and that she likes the fact that I'm so affectionate towards her.

So, what do you guys make of all this? I'm a little worried because I know the words "im not ready for a relationship right now" usually is bad news, but I'm prone to believe that she was sincere about her being hurt in the past (I saw her tear up a little bit). Also, after our conversation we continued to kiss and act affectionate, so I'm pretty certain that she's attracted to me (both in an affectionate and sexual way)

I'm just a little confused. I am fully aware that it's still too early to expect a relationship, but I don't know what to do. Should I take my time with her?

She is running hot and cold, has a lot of baggage. I'd cut out all of the affection stuff. You're going to end up having sex, you both are going to get attached and you'll have another tangled mess.
You guys need to slow things down and since you seem to be the one thinking, you do the slowing down.
When you're not ready for a relationship you don't get into the heavy petting. Stop putting yourself in the position for that to happen. You guys need to totally chill with each other.

Dating is for getting to know someone, and that's what your doing, and that's all to it. The rest is you getting carried away by your feelings, and having expectations for her behavior to be different. The worst thing you can do is start to lose control of yourself, and think you want more than your ready to handle, or want her to show more when, as you say, its way to early for that.

People who have been hurt before, do tend to go slow, and see what happens, and also how to control their impulses to let it go, and give it all at once to soon.

On your part, respect where she is coming from, and enjoy the fun of dating, and getting to know each other, and see what happens in the future, say 6 months! By then the lust has faded enough to know what your getting into, and with whom.

But I can warn you now, if she becomes the center of your world, and you lose the balance from your life that you cannot see, and explore other options, and opportunities life throws your way, then sir, your on a dangerous path of high hopes, and unrealistic expectations, that will destroy your objectivity, and the ability to process the FACTS, as they present themselves.

In other worlds, you will put yourself in LALA Land where fantasy replaces reality, and that's not a healthy place to be for a mature adult. Don't forget that you are free to date others openly, as she is. Believe it or not, its best you both do at this time. Just to keep it real, and balanced.

Thanks homegirl. I am attracted to her, but I definitely don't want a tangled mess (esp considering that the fall semester is about to begin).

However, I do enjoy her company and just being around her. Would you suggest I just cut all ties to her and leave her alone?


@ Talaniman, you always seem to give the best advice lol

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Originally Posted by blacksentra

Thanks homegirl. I am attracted to her, but i definately dont want a tangled mess (esp considering that the fall semester is about to begin).

However, i do enjoy her company and just being around her. Would you suggest i just cut all ties to her and leave her alone?

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Date, and have fun, and if you cannot control your animal instincts, then say good bye at the door. But I suspect she likes the affection, and so do you as your both human, with feelings and lust, so don't get impatient or frustrated. Pay attention, because you will see how she deals with her lust, and her frustration. You learn a lot when you pay attention, and don't just go with the flow.

This women knows what she wants and knows when to stop,she has set the boundary,and has you by the short and curlies.

Saying you've been hurt in the past is a bag of crap,who has'nt!
If your ready to date and have heavy make out sessions,your well on the mend.

So let her deal with her past hurt.

She has no problem jumping your bones when it suits her. You don't have to deal with that.

Plenty of women out there who don't have an agenda or a list of rules.

Move on,too much hassel.

I just have one question about something that keeps standing out to me in all of your responses. Your always pointing out that she stops and doesn't want to have sex. What is so wrong with that? Can't she like you and you like her without having to cross that line yet? She may have a past that stings a little still to her but at least she seems mature enough to draw the line where she knows she isn't ready to cross. A tiny bit in me is wondering if the issue is her not wanting sex. She seems to like you and will spend time with you. What's wrong with what she is willing to give?

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

I just have one question about something that keeps standing out to me in all of your responses. Your always pointing out that she stops and doesnt want to have sex. What is so wrong with that? Can't she like you and you like her without having to cross that line yet? She may have a past that stings a little still to her but atleast she seems mature enough to draw the line where she knows she isnt ready to cross. A tiny bit in me is wondering if the issue is her not wanting sex. She seems to like you and will spend time with you. Whats wrong with what she is willing to give?

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It's not that I'm bothered by the idea that she doesn't want to rush into sex (I have no problem just hanging out and talking. I'm willing to be patient with her). Its just that her actions/thoughts in regards to sex (and our courtship in general) are a little confusing to me.

Generally, she is the one that initiates "activities" that would usually lead to sex, but then she cuts it off (for the reasons I stated above). She is all over me in person, but more "distant and pre-occupied" when I'm not around, although receptive to my efforts.

It's like homegirl50 said, she's "hot and cold", although I would say "blazing and lukewarm". I guess my youth and lack of dating experience has led my confusion; because I'm just not used to this type of behavior from women. Usually they are either "hot" OR "cold", not bouncing between the two.

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Originally Posted by blacksentra

Thanks homegirl. I am attracted to her, but i definitely dont want a tangled mess (esp considering that the fall semester is about to begin).

However, i do enjoy her company and just being around her. Would you suggest i just cut all ties to her and leave her alone?


@ Talaniman, you always seem to give the best advice lol

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Having any ties with her seems to end in heavy petting and then her pulling back. I find that t be problematic. Me, I would leave her alone.
You're getting ready to start school and if you are not hooked on her, leave it alone.
If you want to continue seeing her, do it, but don't put yourself in the positions for the petting to take place.
I can respect her for not wanting a sexual relationship, but to jump on your bones and then call halt is just stupid. Her actions are speaking louder than her words..

Hi guys. I've decided that its probably in my best interest to halt all of my efforts towards this girl. For starters, I believe that it may me be a waste of my time, and Im almost certain that I'm more invested than she is.

On Saturday afternoon I gave her a call asking if she wanted to hang out later. She says "Sure, but im going out with some friends to Dave & Busters later. But we could hang out afterwards." I tell her cool and that I would text her around 8 to check up.

So I text her at about 8:10. At maybe 9:15 she responds by saying that she would be home in about 30 minutes. I tell her cool and that I would be there around 10:30. She responds to this by texting "Can we just move this to another day? I wasnt expecting to get home so late but im also not driving. Sorry" to which I said "Sure no prob. Just let me know the next time you wanna do something." She said she would and apologizes again.

I've decided that that text will be the last time I contact her unless she initiates something with me. I'm not that upset that she canceled on me last night, considering it was kind of late. BUT I just can't shake this feeling that she's not all that interested in my company.

Regardless of how much she's all over me when we're together; It seems like I'm always the one to initiate contact and set up future dates, and I'm tired of making myself available for her to pick what's convinient for her. I have seen zero effort from her to keep things rolling. I know that I'm the one who approached her, and that society in general says that the man has to put most of the effort into the courtship phase, but this seems totally unbalanced.

So unless she magically starts initiating contact with me making me feel as if my presence in her life is wanted, that will be the last time we speak. If anything changes I'll let you guy know. Sorry for the rant lol

I think that would be wise.

Good choice.
Keep us updated.

OK guys,

My worst fears with this girl were true. She is preoccupied with the other guy and has stronger feelings towards him.

We had a conversation earlier today and I told her that I liked her and had true intentions with her, but that she was sending me mixed signals and acting distant. She responded by saying she does like me and she believes that I don't have ill intentions but that she still doesn't know where things a going with the other guy. She also said she enjoys my company, but that right now she just wants to be friends and doesn't want to lead me on.

I asked her if she was serious about the guy and if she eventually wanted to be with him. She said "I dont know. There are somethings about him that I like, and some things that I really dont" but she also acknowledged that no one is perfect. After hearing this I told her her to give me a call if things changed.

So, after having this conversation I was kind of bumbed out. But I also feel good because I finally feel like I know what was going on in her head and I understand that I need to keep it moving. Im just disappointed that she exibited so much loyalty to this dude when earlier she acknoledged that he wasn't the best guy. We had a prior conversation where she stated that he never really seems interested in being with her or even seeing her; and that this has been going on since May. I just feel like I would have treated her so much better, but my efforts weren't appreciated.

Oh well, better luck next time I guess. Tell me what you guys think.

You may have treated her better but she is not feeling you, so yes it's best you just move on. Don't waste anymore time and emotional energy on her.

There is no accounting for taste or preference, and as you said, better luck next time.

Close this chapter of your life so another can open.

Ok so I was with a girl for about one and a half years. She broke up with me back back in August (arguments, petty/selfish behavior) but we continued to see each other on a frequent basis on and off for about 2 months. During this time, we were still kind of "exclusive". We didn't hang out as frequently or act like a couple (no sex, limited affection, ect) but she would get mad if I was chatty or friendly with other girls, and she didn't involve herself with other men. Even though we had this arrangement, I wanted a full blown relationship, which she never agreed to. Her reasoning was that our relationship was stressful and that combined with the other stressors in her life was too much. It tore me up inside but I went along with it because I loved her.

During this period we would still argue from time to time. After one specific argument I became disgusted with her and decided not to contact her anymore. We didn't speak for about 1.5 months, during which time I began dating other girls.

Towards the beginning of November she began reaching out to me more often acting more "interested" (asking for my time, sending sweet messages, etc). Me, feeling like I was finally coming to peace with the situation and moving on, told her "I was dating other girls", which upset her. About a week later she reached out to me again and said she misses and asked if I missed her.I told her "yes, I miss you, but we arent right for each other"... I said this because at that point I really did believe I was over her. I also was a little scared upset with her because she had the whole previous 2 months to get back together, which she didn't take advantage of. In addition, I was very infatuated with one of the girls I was dating at that time.

Its now December and I began to miss her again. I wanted to work things out, so I decided to reach out to her and tell her this. She was upset by this and said what I did was childish and that she was moving on due to her efforts a month prior not being accepted. She also said she began hanging out with another guy after I said I was seeing other girls. However, she said they're just friends and she hasn't done anything physical with him.

Now I'm in a really awkward situation. I've lost interest in the other girls I dated and I want her back. She however gives me mixed messages. She says we aren't right for each other and that she doesn't want any type of relationship (even with the other guy).

However, she says she's open to repairing our broken friendship and seeing where things go from there. She actually asked to go out tomorrow (ice skating, dinner) and pay since my money is tight.

This is so confusing. Does she just want to take things slow? On one hand, she has explicitly said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone and she's hanging out with other guys. But on the other, why would she offer a date like that? She says she still loves me but doesn't feel we're right for each other now, but she's optimistic about a future.

A little bit about her life: her grandmother is currently recovering from cancer and she's stressed about that. She claims her school work has gotten much harder. She recently has become real close to her female roommate. She takes up a lot of my exes' time and they do a lot of the things we used to do together (movies, dinner, etc.). Ive been felt like her friend was "replacing" me.

BTW: I feel so stupid for dating other girls and telling her about this. Im not even interested in the girls I dated anymore. And to make things worse, this has opened her to hanging out with other guys. She claims they're just friends (which I believe) and she said she would give me the decency of letting me know if things got serious. But it just tears me up to know that other me have access to her.