2 years ago I started dating a man , Im 38 and he's 57 now, he had been separated for 17 years with his with wife so I felt nothing wrong with being with him as I don't like to break up marriages but he sounded sincere so I went for it,he also has 3 grown up sons from his marriage which live with his wife, and I have a 13 year old daughter but I'm a single mother.
5 months after we started dating I got pregnant with his son and although we didnt't plan for chidren we were both abit worried but then as time went by we got very happy but then suddenly he didn't want to go to public places with me saying that he didn't want his sons to know about the baby and about me but in the beginning we used to go out publicly and I was very happy and he seemed happier to,but then it felt boring not going out and it caused stress.
We were arguing more and I still can't figure out what made him loose interest in me and my son to this day he doesn't want to sweak to me anymore,
Any suggestions please??

Children are a life changing event, and unplanned pregnancies so early changes people, and as you see changes strangers. At his age, I imagine this was a change that will take some getting use to, and no matter where this relationship heads, it will always be another one along with the one he has started years ago with another, and that one didn't work.

No telling how many others he has had, but my advice is to build a life with you, and your child, and not depend on his presence at all.

You may have been a strangers when you first met, and became pregnant so early on, but you have enough evidence as to how he deals with things, and that's to slowly walk away, and do something else.

This is probably more about who he is, and not about you, or your child. I would not count on him being that attentive to you at all, the way you want him to be. Having his child is hardly a life commitment to you in his eyes, and his actions are very clear, no matter what his words were before.

Why wouldn't you make sure to use contraceptives? I know he has been separated from his wife for 17years, but never divorced her! Right there would have been a huge warning flag, it is apparent that he can just walk away without even having a ending! Of course he isn't as happy as you about the pregnancy, he is 57 years old, when your son graduates he will 75yrs!!

I would be thankful for your son raise him in love, but I wouldn't depend on the father participating in his life. I would get an attorney and make sure he pays child support. Good luck

Thanku so much for your reply, well if I knew things back then I wouldv'e practiced them though we learn our lesson afterwards don't we? I'm telling you this man was a manipulating person, but I loved him and could'nt see straight... my parents and daughter also tried to warn me but I had a hard head, oh well...

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You're 100% right!! Pity when you're in love you're ever so blind right? By the way thank you for your reply!

I can see that you got caught up in the fairy tale world thinking that he'd always be there for you and the baby, but life sometimes deals us some bad cards. He obviously didn't end up being the Prince Charming that you thought he'd be.

You need to concentrate on raising your son now, but you shouldn't settle for no help. You can't make him have a relationship with you or your son, but you really need to take him to court for child support. He owes you that much.. so don't let him off the hook.

Hi there,
In 2008 I started dating a separated man, who was 20 years older than me,which he had been separated for 17 years.. I'm 38 and he's 58, well it was all good at the start, telling me he loved me all the time etc and then within 5 months I became pregnant with his child, it was a big surprise as it was unplanned,but eventually he accepted it and so was OK with it until the baby was born,then I had a boy and he was happy but then things began to turn sour, he never wanted to live with me saying that his children would never forgive him for it!
Well he didn't say he loved me anymore and this was making me very sad and I was loving him more after that,he didn't want to go out with me in public either telling me that he didn't want people to see him with a new child and was afraid his children will find out, this too made me sad because this was also his son he was hiding, it made me feel like I was stealing someone's husband but I wasn't because the marriage was over a long time ago,anyway I can't forget him and can not understand what really happened between us and he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore or see the child.. its very hard this way because I love him truly and life is so unfair... please help!

Have you seen a lawyer in order to get financial support for this man's child?

Yes I have it written on paper from a notary

What's written on paper?

A notary is good only for assuring that a person' signature is valid. Whose signature is on the paper?

There's no court order for child support? You haven't even seen a lawyer?

Well I'm also receiving government money for relief so the notary paper was for the government to see that he is giving me some money, so I need to go to a lawyer too??

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Originally Posted by commitment

well im also recieving goverment money for relief so the notary paper was for the goverment to see that he is giving me some money, so i need to go to a lawyer too???

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You do, if you want regular support money.

Did the government accept the notarized paper?

If I remember correctly from other threads, he will owe the government for the support it is giving you.

Yes it was accepted from the government,if he stops paying me they will perform legal action on him, (thank God) ,

They will also try to get back support payments that they have paid out to you. If you are getting $500 a month from them, they will bill him for any or all of that, I believe.

Really? I didn't know it worked that way.. am so glad I got in touch with you since you are an expert in this section

I have a two year old son from a separated man who has no interest in seeing him, I can't understand why he acts this way after all it is his own 'son' , I just don't get it

Hello c:

I don't either... As much as I hate what he's doing, I did the same thing. What saved my relationship with my son was his mothers dogged determination to not let EITHER of us forget who the other was. It wasn't done confrontationally, either. I don't know HOW she did that, but I'll thank her to my dying day.

excon

While I don't personally understand it. I have seen cases when there were so much anger and hate between the parents, that it causes them to transfer it.
Also I have seen the mother cause such issues for the father that he just gives up at some point.

Commitment,

It is fine and so nice of you that you have real, genuine and expected motherly concerns for your child. You are fulfilling your duty, to the tilt. If your separated husband behaves unfatherly, it is his fault, not yours. In the eyes of society, you are not to blame, and in the eyes of God too, you are innocent. If you have any apprehensions, or expectations, do not seek it from him, but pray to God. Or, at most, you can communicate your feelings to him, somehow.

Bottomline - you are innocent.

Parents use their child as a weapon, a hostage, and a bargaining chip, that's why. MY child. MY child.

It's OUR child. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, or volcano I guess would be more like it.

It may be hard to process this as a parent who loves their child very much, but not all parents love their children. Some people are too selfish to think about anyone but themselves. I can't imagine a life without my daughter, but her dad has been happily living that life since she was born. At first, I simply couldn't accept that he honestly didn't care, because the second she was born, I loved her more than my own life. I couldn't understand how anybody who helped to create such am amazing person could not love her instantly, but he doesn't. Being a good parent involves sacrifice and putting the well being of another person ahead of your own. Some people simply can't do that, and will never learn how.

I can understand why a man of 58, who has already raised three children to adulthood (he's probably a grandfather too?), would want to have the responsibility of raising another baby at this stage of the game.

And he is still married, and does not wish anyone to know he has fathered a child. He has made it clear that he won't be in your life, or take part in raising this baby. I assume you will have to settle for him tossing cash your way to help out. (you might want to establish child support legally)

You will have your hands full with having already a 14 year old, and now a baby. Single motherhood is quite different than shared custody, which the father doesn't appear to want either.

So what are you left with.

It is possible that at some point, he may, out of curiosity, wish to see, or be a part of his child's life, but to sit around and wait for something that may never happen, you are robbing yourself of the freedom you need to move on. If it were me, I would presume the relationship is over.

That he is on dating sites, tells me that he's interested in a relationship with a woman, for purposes other than marriage and children. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, but, I presume from what you have said about him, he is not interested in a relationship in order to start a family.

My advice to you is to be prepared to raise this child, with financial support from him, and nothing more.

Oh thanku so much for your lovely answer, may we talk more on this please?

I think that many times, when posts are made, like yours, you really only need hear that what you think is happening, or what you think you need to do, is confirmed by others. It's really very sad when relationships don't work out- for whatever reason. But, for your sake, I hope you find happiness without him in your life.

I don't converse privately if that is what you are asking, and I hope you will post here, and allow others the opportunity to give you opinions as well. Many people here are very thoughtful and honest, and may give more insight and suggestions.

Hi, thank you once again...

Trying to mend the problem for the sake of the child is one thing. Trying to mend the problem for the sake of yourself is another thing. This part remains unknown to me. Only you know this. From what you described about him, it seems like he was just looking for a fling with a younger woman. Once it became more serious than that because of the child, he began looking for a way out. Basically, he used the fight as the excuse he was looking for. The point here is that he already had it in his mind that he wanted out. It was only a matter of time. This isn't your fault so don't blame yourself. Be strong! You don't need people like that in your life anyway. Now, the child may grow up without his father. It's not the ideal situation, but it may be reality. So you need to face that and figure some things out. Always deal with reality. If you ever need anything else, I'm here. Peace and Love, and the best of wishes.

Wow what an answer that was poet, you helped me understand things more clearly now and let me let go of the frustrations I had, I thought I didi the wrong in the relationship :))

Hi there,
I feel its not right that my ex's doesn't want me to tell anyone about our baby , but he threatened me that if I did then he will cut child support, My heart is sorry for the child because he has family he can't know, I feel so low at times and wish to start telling them but am scared..

Commitment,

Firstly, welcome to this great site!

You have to take a hard decision if you want, your child to know about his father. What can he do, after all? Moreover, child support is his legal obligation. Tell your son, everything. Else, when he grows up, he will have to cut a sorry figure, every time, someone asks him about his father. Is not it?

First you get your child support though the court, You get if needed a DNA test. Next you tell any and everyone you want.
What he is doing is denying it is his child, and maybe even not admitting to a relationship with you.

You can not force him to see or visit the child, but you should never deny or lie about who he father is.

He cannot cut off child support unless he goes underground. Child support is his obligation and your right, but you need to go to court to enforce it. And you should.

He has no right to tell you who you can tell about your child. On the other hand it is his responsibility to tell his family. I would not go behind his back to do so.

Thank you all
I cannot believe his behavior and its tiring me a lot when I think about it, he went on with his life but I made all the adjustments, its not I don't love my son , more the fact I love him to death though his dad is a completely selfish person who only thinks of himself and what is good for him!!

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Originally Posted by commitment

thankyou all
I cannot believe his behavior and its tiring me alot when I think about it, he went on with his life but I made all the adjustments, its not I dont love my son , more the fact I love him to death though his dad is a completely selfish person who only thinks of himself and what is good for him!!!

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Sadly, there are too many men like that in this world. You keep going on and do what you can for your son and that's all that matters.

Good luck

He just doesn't want the child. He's probably doesn't like the situation of having a son with you, and thinks if he ignores it, the problem will go away.

A year has passed and I still miss my ex of two years that I had a child with. It's horrible and I've been crying all week about this. I tried to speak to him but he doesn't want to know or see his child.

You may have feelings for you ex because you share a connection with him. You see, he is the father of your children and you care about him because of that.

Try to figure out why he doesn't want to speak with you or his child, and then try to remind him that he is a father and owes his child a lifetime of love :)

He said he doesn't have time for us,but iknow its an excuse

Let him know that you know it's just an excuse and give him the time and space until he comes back. Trust me, sooner or later he will miss his child and you.

Why did you break up? How long were you together for? What are your age ranges?

He is 58 an I'm 39, he is separated with 3 kids, I still miss him and I really want to thanku guys for the support you all offer, the fact that you listen makes the burden less :))... anyway I think he won't come back though as he had taken a decision once and for all but I REALLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT MADE HIM LEAVE

How is your financial situation? Do you have enough money to support your child?

Unfortunately we cannot read his mind. And since he's not willing to share his feelings with you, then you have to accept his decision. We can't force him to open up to you.