Ask Me Help Desk - In Need Of Advice

In Need Of Advice

I was dating this girl for just a little over a month and previous to that we started talking and hung out for a few weeks before we became official. Anyway, during our relationship we seemed to have a pretty good connection, the physical attraction was amazing and we started talking about we were starting to fall for each other near the end of the 1st month. During when we were official we had a tendency to get into arguments about really dumb things, most of them being stupid sarcastic stuff I said. Yes, its in my nature to have a sarcastic attitude sometimes but I don't usually mean it and she took it offensively and claimed I wasn't respecting her. I also have a bad habit of being negative and sometimes losing my temper, but she always tells me I have a good heart and I am a good guy. We went out a couple nights ago and had an amazing time, laughing and dancing, it was great. But, when we got back to my house, I said something stupid again and she got upset and broke up with me. After that, she left and when she got home she text me saying she doesn't know if she wanted to break up and she said she felt our feelings for each other could get us through anything but her gut is telling her to break up. I agreed with her and afterwards we both slept on it and spoke the next day. That next day we came to conclusion to officially break up but continue to "see each other" monogamously. We both want the same thing... to work towards a healthy relationship. So what I'm asking is if anyway has had experience with taking a step back in order to move in the right direction. Am I wasting my time or does it sound like this could work out? I would really appreciate any advice :)

You're breaking up so you can move in the right direction with each other? That makes no sense.
If you are going to break up, do it and be done with it. It sounds as though there is more friction than smooth sailing.

I guess I should have been a little more clear. We broke up because we felt we went to fast and we weren't ready for a relationship. When we talked about it, we both thought it would take some pressure off each other and give us some breathing room. We want to be together, but not have so much friction, like you just said.

Yea, it seems like you guys got involved too fast. What you need is to slow things down and have fun first and get to know the person more be4 gettingto into a relationship. You could let her know how you feel, and if she doesn't respond the way you would like, then maybe its time to move on.

I think you have a history of getting involved too fast, and staying too long. May I suggest you have other things to do besides be with her? That would slow you down, and at least you can see if it was just LUST, or do you have other things in common, because when the lust fades, what's left? Nothing it seems.

You can't just hook up with a girl, kiss cuddle, and have sex, and think it's a great relationship, in just a few weeks, or even a few months.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn!

Ya very true, I'm not really worried about it, I'm not smothering her, I'm doing my own thing. I do like her and care about her a lot. I don't think there is a harm in trying to figure things out and see if it will work and what's more... she feels the same as I do.

Are you willing to change? Really change? (Your current attitude and behavior, i.e. sarcasm, stupidity, will impact not only this relationship but also all your future ones.)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Are you willing to change? Really change? (Your current attitude and behavior, i.e. sarcasm, stupidity, will impact not only this relationship but also all your future ones.)

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Hottrodder246 finds this helpful : I absolutely love that you brought this up because in the past I have not tried to fix myself and I ended up blaming it on the girl and just kind of said screw it. Obviously, none of those relationships worked out. This is probably the biggest issue

Okay. Where can we go with this? (Notice I said "we." We'll help.)

Half my answer got cut off for some reason, but anyway what I said was that her and I spoke about this and it was one of the bigger issues. I think my problem was that I was so used to being single and hanging with my guy friends that I was used to saying those remarks. She doesn't like them and I respect her 100%, so I'm willing to not say stuff like that. But I am definitely willing to work on that and change, I don't mind.

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Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

half my answer got cut off for some reason, but anyways what i said was that her and I spoke about this and it was one of the bigger issues. I think my problem was that I was so used to being single and hanging with my guy friends that I was used to saying those remarks. She doesnt like them and I respect her 100%, so I'm willing to not say stuff like that. But i am definitely willing to work on that and change, I dont mind.

Your answer got cut off because you responded in the Comment field (limited) instead of in the Answer field (nearly unlimited).

Yup, guys will talk that way with each other, but we girls are dainty creatures who want conversation to be polite and gentle and sweet.

So how are you going to work on that and change?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Your answer got cut off because you responded in the Comment field (limited) instead of in the Answer field (nearly unlimited).

Yup, guys will talk that way with each other, but we girls are dainty creatures who want conversation to be polite and gentle and sweet.

So how are you going to work on that and change?

O thanks for the tip.

I think I just need to watch what I say around her. She keeps telling me all she wants to see is progress, that I'm working on it. Easier said than done though, any tips?

How about making her part of it. If you misspeak, make a boo-boo in how you talk, you and she will have a signal to remind you that you are changing and that you misspoke.

Would she like that? (Women usually like to be part of reforming men.) If so, what could the best signal be? A pat on your forearm wouldn't be obvious to anyone, but you might misread it. When my family back home noticed crumbs or food smears on another family member's face or lips, the signal word was, "Lunch." Then the person knew to wipe his mouth or check in a mirror. Maybe you and she could have a signal word like that?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How about making her part of it. If you misspeak, make a boo-boo in how you talk, you and she will have a signal to remind you that you are changing and that you misspoke.

Would she like that? (Women usually like to be part of reforming men.) If so, what could the best signal be? A pat on your forearm wouldn't be obvious to anyone, but you might misread it. When my family back home noticed crumbs or food smears on another family member's face or lips, the signal word was, "Lunch." Then the person knew to wipe his mouth or check in a mirror. Maybe you and she could have a signal word like that?

That sounds like a good idea, I will run it by her :)

I'm betting she will LOVE the idea of helping you change! Be sure to let me know what she says. (You can mention my name to her, if you like. In fact, she might want to register for this site and give us her personal feedback. Hee hee. It could be like a research project.)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm betting she will LOVE the idea of helping you change! Be sure to let me know what she says. (You can mention my name to her, if you like. In fact, she might want to register for this site and give us her personal feedback. Hee hee. It could be like a research project.)

So I spoke to her about the idea and she seemed pretty enthusiastic about it, only thing left to do is give it a try and see what happens

This will be a cooperative effort. You will be on your best behavior, so that will keep you mindful of what you need to do to stay in her good graces. Meanwhile, she will be on her toes, listening for you to go off track and will be proud of you when she doesn't have to signal you. Both of you are invested and participants in a good outcome.

Just out of curiosity, what signal did you two decide on?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

This will be a cooperative effort. You will be on your best behavior, so that will keep you mindful of what you need to do to stay in her good graces. Meanwhile, she will be on her toes, listening for you to go off track and will be proud of you when she doesn't have to signal you. Both of you are invested and participants in a good outcome.

Just out of curiosity, what signal did you two decide on?

You this is going to take some effort on both parts but like I said, I am more than willing to put in my part.

And we decided to have her start calling me by my middle name lol

Wow! This will be so much fun! I can't wait to hear how it's going. You will report back to us, won't you?

(What's your middle name?)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Wow! This will be so much fun! I can't wait to hear how it's going. You will report back to us, won't you?

(What's your middle name?)

My middle name is Paul, very different from my first lol and yes I will let you know how everything goes :) thanks for the advice!

That's my husband's middle name too. If this works for you, I will give your girlfriend a list, and she can do the same with my husband.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

That's my husband's middle name too. If this works for you, I will give your gf a list, and she can do the same with my husband.

Ok so today was the first day I saw her in class after we broke up and things went real smooth except I went to reach for her hand, which was dumb I know, and she straight up denied me. I felt a little bit bad over it but when can you do.

Coming from a female perspective, what would you expect to see in me at least? I know its hard to answer considering your not in her shoes.

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Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

Coming from a female perspective, what would you expect to see in me at least?

What are the rules?

Well when you have broken up, you do not touch without permission.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What are the rules?

I don't know to be honest. I mean we said the feelings are the same a couple days ago but after class she said she felt uncomfortable with me trying to go for her hand and that wanted space. She also said she feels like I am expecting us to get back together. And she said she just wants to have what is best for her.

Okay. You and she need to hammer out and write down "The Rules." ASAP.

You and I talked about having a signal to cut out your "sarcasm and stupidity," so we got that done. "Stupidity" covers a lot of area in someone's life. Is grabbing for her hand "stupidity"? We need to know "The Rules."

e.g.
1. No touching in public or private. She makes the first move if she wants to touch.
2. No sarcastic humor directed at her or about her.
3. Phone calls only on Wednesday nights.
4. Texting anytime. There may not be a reply if textee is engaged in homework, chores, other activities.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Okay. You and she need to hammer out and write down "The Rules." ASAP.

You and I talked about having a signal to cut out your "sarcasm and stupidity," so we got that done. "Stupidity" covers a lot of area in someone's life. Is grabbing for her hand "stupidity"? We need to know "The Rules."

e.g.,
1. No touching in public or private. She makes the first move if she wants to touch.
2. No sarcastic humor directed at her or about her.
3. Phone calls only on Wednesday nights.
4. Texting anytime. There may not be a reply if textee is engaged in homework, chores, other activities.

I like the idea but don't you think she might take this a little ridiculous, maybe a little too involved in this or no?

Right now she has all the power. That's not fair, as we have discovered. You can twitch your nose, and she can say your middle name or object. Therefore, in order to prevent her from calling anything and everything "sarcastic or stupid," she needs to make a list of what is forbidden, so you will know what to avoid doing.

She's taken what we had set up as a fun thing to do to curb your sarcasm/stupidity (whatever that is) and has turned it into a police state in which you can't even reach for her hand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Right now she has all the power. That's not fair, as we have discovered. You can twitch your nose, and she can say your middle name or object. Therefore, in order to prevent her from calling anything and everything "sarcastic or stupid," she needs to make a list of what is forbidden, so you will know what to avoid doing.

She's taken what we had set up as a fun thing to do to curb your sarcasm/stupidity (whatever that is) and has turned it into a police state in which you can't even reach for her hand.

Ya I totally feel like I'm helpless almost right now and she deciding the fate of this relationship, its really unfair and it honestly makes me sad :confused:

Okay. How can we fix this? Her pulling her hand away in the way she did was not fair. SHE broke a rule, to my way of thinking. Maybe we need to give her a signal word too, to pull her up short when she goofs. She could have handled that a lot smoother and less offensively. For example, she could have given your hand a little squeeze and whispered, "Not right now. Wait until we're alone and I'm not preoccupied with XYZ." If she jerks her hand away later when you're alone and she's not preoccupied, then I'll want to strangle her.

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Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

I don't know to be honest. I mean we said the feelings are the same a couple days ago but after class she said she felt uncomfortable with me trying to go for her hand and that wanted space. She also said she feels like I am expecting us to get back together. And she said she just wants to have what is best for her.

I'm not understanding what the problem is. It sounds to me like she does not want you back.
Why are you even going there with her? Why are you not doing NC?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Okay. How can we fix this? Her pulling her hand away in the way she did was not fair. SHE broke a rule, to my way of thinking. Maybe we need to give her a signal word too, to pull her up short when she goofs. She could have handled that a lot smoother and less offensively. For example, she could have given your hand a little squeeze and whispered, "Not right now. Wait until we're alone and I'm not preoccupied with XYZ." If she jerks her hand away later when you're alone and she's not preoccupied, then I'll want to strangle her.

I got to be honest, I think Im starting to read too much into this, Im causing myself a ton of anxiety. Here's my plan... I'm going to continue to work on me (school, gym, work) and just take it easy with her, I understand why she pulled her hand away, I know how she is, its OK. But I don't want to get to detailed with this cause then both of us are going to be fed up with it, so space is important along with being casual, and she knows I'm there for her... whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

I think that is wise.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think that is wise.

Hey, so I just wanted to give you guys an update on everything. As of now, its been 2 weeks since we officially broke up. I know when I was last speaking to you guys, I had said she was asking for space and being non relationship type. A couple days after that, just out of no where she gave me a hug and a kiss hello and ever since then we have been holding hands and kissing and basically back to normal but not back to official or anything. As of now we are being casual about everything, seeing where it goes and we both agreed not to talk about relationship stuff. And plus I am still being cautious and giving her space. So I just wanted to let you guys know what's up and feel free to give any advice :)

I'm so glad you came back to update us. We always love updates! The real question is, how do you feel about your relationship right now? Are you comfortable with it? It's a good thing to get to know each other better and learn to trust each other, so that part's okay with me.

My only concern is there has been no resolution or discussion as to what went wrong in the first place.
If this casual friendship is OK with you, it's your life. Get acquainted

As of right now I feel good for the most part. She is doing her thing and I am doing mine. Like I said before I am trying to be cautious and giving her space. We're still making plans to hang out and do friendly things... like tomorrow we are going to a museum just for the fun of it :). I do notice one thing though... she hesitates at times to be affectionate and when she isn't in the mood for it, I better not do anything affectionate lol. Its kind of a funny thing. Other than that I don't have a problem with our status. And again I am taking it easy and seeing what happens. On another note, I am seeing a counselor now to help with my anxiety and my temper problem, going to see where that takes me.

I'm proud of the way you're handing this, hottrodder, and hope things work out with the counselor.

Well you are well on your way.
I wish you well

Thanks you both. There is one more thing that kind of bothers me. It could just be me but I need a girls perspective. Sometimes I will ask her for a kiss and she straight up says no. I don't understand it, we are affectionate when she wants to be and that's how it goes. I still feel like she is in control somewhat but its not terrible. Is it a mistake to try and bend over backwards to make this work? Cause sometimes, not all the time, I feel like that's happening and she isn't reciprocating. It could just be me over thinking things, but I don't know.

Have you asked HER about the kissing thing? It may be her chance to be in control, but I could be very wrong. (Maybe she just doesn't feel like her breath is fresh enough.)