She is having problems with her exhusband (going back to court) and me at the same time. She is not cheating at all and has a son under ten. The issue is with me and her son. I am not given any ability to discipline or say no to this little boy. When he blows up I get in trouble.I want to have a good relationship, goof around, be fun but he knows he can fly off the handle. I'm tired of it but I'm in love with the woman and her son. Now after our last spat about the behavior situation she wants to take a break and she says she is confused. I have not contacted her for 3 days but it's killing me not to talk with her and work it out. I don't get the impression that she wants to actual solve the problem, which I have proposed a way to work it out. I love her family and her son, but all her son needs to do is look at her and blame me and I get the look. We have had arguments about this over the last 9 months or so. I think it can be worked out but only if she compromises. The boy needs to be told in front of me that he needs to behave and listen, maybe a time out would help as well.I am willing to try but I'm not sure she is.
So she is confused and wants to take break.
Any thoughts.
I have not called or texted or emailed her for three days

Continue doing what your doing and let her come to her own conclusions in her own time without your influence.

You have no control over her thoughts or actions and cannot make her compromise anything, or even to be willing to. So let her deal with her issues and you get to a better emotional place for yourself.

Yeah, it does suck, no doubt, but just wait until the emotional dust settles and she comes out of her fog, as she has to be overwhelmed, they both are, and she doesn't want your help, or suggestions.

Give her all the space she needs.

It is killing me to not communicate. I don't need her in my life any woman can suck and swallow.
But this one would do a good job helping me raise my kids, she is a good mother.
I would like to point out she has not asked for any of her stuff back, like her house key or garage door opener or
Other odds and ends, and neither have I from her.
It is killing me

I'm pretty sure she is tired of all the arguing this little boy and I do. This occurs when I tell him to stop or do something , she calls it
Nagging I call it getting him going like a father or future step dad should. I feel that she could end the problem by making him listen to me and he
Won't like that one bit at first. But she is not willing to make that first step which is my problem and if that is the case then she wants a passive
Silent man in her life and no relationship will work.

Its hard I know, not to talk, but give it a few more days.

Ok we spoke on the phone, She said she is not sure if she loves me, and that is why she hasn't been saying it the last month
Or so. She said normally it comes back and goes and comes back but it has not come back and she is not sure about us!
She doesn't want to talk about her son and I really don't want to either. She wants a break, she is confused as to what she wants.
She agree to be faithful during that time and I really trust her, The words cheater are the exact opposite of this woman. So I will give her a break
This doesn't need to me a no contact break but I think it should be. She doesn't feel the spark, I think I am to easy to catch, she needs a challenge
So I think No contact would work out fine.
What other rules should I follow.

Where is that wildcat person I need his advice as well.

See how you feel later, after you get use to doing your own thing and leaving her alone.

She doesn't sound like she is healthy enough, or ready for a healthy relationship. Sorry guy.

It sounds like you have different perspectives on how to raise a child. That's huge and not something that can easily be ignored or overlooked. I can tell you love her and her son immensely however she's lost and confused. Invest your energy and love into someone a bit more stable. I hope that isn't harsh but this rollercoaster of on, off, up and down is sooooo not healthy for either of you. Besides you sound like a genuine sweetheart and should be with someone that knows 100% how they feel about you. I can't speak for anyone but when I harbor feelings for someone and the relationship is doomed/not feasible I have to go into no contact mode. It's the only way to recover and move on.

I'm going to give her a break, as for contact or not, I have some people telling me to keep it to a few texts per week and minimal or she might slip away.
She agreed to be faithful during this time so I am not going to bug her. She said we are dating still but she needs a break because she doesn't know what she want. My heart hurts, All I want is a semi attractive or better who is going to love me(by love I mean she like to snuggle up to me at night) and is not going to flip flop on me like this. My exwife walked out a few years ago and only has the kids 40% and I have them 60% of the time, but when the kids are gone I feel terrible. I don't want a slave whore but a companion. Aaaarrgg.

You need a life that makes you happy when the kids are gone. Expecting another to fill that void between their visits may not be a good idea.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule-When you stop looking for love, and do your thing, and enjoy ALL YOUR OPTIONS, AND OPPORTUNITIES, love will find you.

Talaniman Rule-Build a life that you enjoy without a mate and your happiness will attract people who will want to share in it with you.

She hasn't finished dealing with her ex is her confusion, and her sons.

Well first of all I would get the other guy out of the situation as much as possible then make sure that little kid know I didn't feel sorry for him for being involved with his mother then I would make sure that she was willing to repect me if we were going to stay together...

I truly don't feel another guy is in the picture she has agreed during this break that we are still dating and she will be faithful and expects the same from me.
Also you are right her son needs to respect me or this will never work, no matter how big or long the break is.
It just hurts, but I will a little every day just start moving on and if she comes back then great, if not darn. I am a pretty good looking guy so I have that going. She has not asked for any of her important stuff back like the house key or garage door opener.
Hmmm
O well it doesn't matter, time to let her have her space. If she needs space to launch the space shuttle she is going to get it. It's just hard. Especially when they are attractive. I think she is very aware that the guys she dated before me left after they found out about her son, so I don't see why anything would change.

We have not heard what your children think her,nor how they treat her.

My kids love her and ask about both of them all the time and the do not treat her like her son treats me. I also discipline my children in front of her so they know and understand she is an adult and they can't tell her what to do.

One more question, how long have you been in this relationship.

1 year and about 4 months

You obviously have different types of discipline solutions when it comes to raising children. How someone chooses to correct their children is their choice and they usually don't like to have explain why to those choices.
You are not this child's father, nor or you his step-father so you have NO say as to how she should correct him. She is the parent.
If this child is still acting up after being around you for over a year, it could be several different reasons. 1 could be he is scared to have to share his mothers attentiion, especially after seeing his parents split up.
2. he could have a medical reason for his acting out, such as ADD,ADHD, etc
3. Scared to bond with you in case you and his mother slit up.
4. maybe he just plain doesn't like you and needs more time to get to know, before becomes comfortable.
5. maybe he is tired of you trying to discipline him.
Hopefully if she is willing to continue this relationship you will put the thoughts of discipline on back burner. Try building the relationship between the adults and make that strong before including any children. Good luck

I am willing to not discipline him but many of the issues are when he gets mad at me for simple things, I can't help him or ask him to do simple stuff without him getting upset. She has been divorced long enough to get past other men coming around. I have been around long enough for him not to worry about losing his mom, jealous yes. But we had a situation a while ago where I had both her son and my son do a small chore and my son did it and her son would not. And he got very upset and started crying and she came out and let him go inside and not do the chore which would have taken 10 seconds to do. Now he know that he can get out of stuff. I don't spank or put her kids in time out. But the boy now understands how the game is played and I'm tired of it. I have no problem backing off but when my son asks why her son doesn't need to do his fair share of picking up toys or putting things away then what do I do. It can't keep going on. I will compromise. This boy is the opposite of an ADHD kid. I guess I feel like I was tip toeing around him to be civil and I get tired of that. At some point the point needs to follow simple instructions, I should need to ask his mother to ask him to do something for every darn thing.

You have a good perspective, and direction that you want to go in, but the sad part is she isn't buying into it, and until she gets this very nasty divorce through her system (and her child's system), I see no progress what's ever or a solution to the current conflicts.

Maybe you have a temporary agreement, but if you abide by it then your in limbo, until she resolves her issues, and no telling how long that will take, or be ready for what she wants. She is not in a healthy place to appreciate your efforts, nor I doubt she wants to, and you will never replace this kids dad, and no doubt his wounds are still very fresh.

It's a big red flag when someone has that much baggage to unpack. It could take YEARS.

I would agree that her son is more then likely playing the control game. It is unfortunate that the Mother is giving in so easily to his tantrums, she isn't doing him any favors by not having him learn to pickup after himself.
This will always be a situation of conflict between you and her. So my question is, Are you willing to put up with this to be in a relationship with the mother? I guarantee she will never tolerate you stepping in as the disciplinarian of her son. She obviously been witness to you correcting your own children and does not approve.

Bingo and that is the problem. Your right I have no right to discipline him. I can just take be treated poorly, and Ive tried to talk with her about over the last 8 months or so, she doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. I think the boy has never been told that he needs to do what he is told and stop acting like this. She doesn't want to have her son mad at her because she would feel horrible. I don't care if my kids get mad at me because they need to follow directions and rules. And this is the big difference. And it doesn't matter who she is dating , this behavior from him gets old.

Unfortunately it isn't her sons fault. It is her fault for allowing him to get to this stage. Anxiety, guilt and various other emotions would be, in my opinion, the reason for this.

For whatever reason the divorce from her husband, wanting to keep her child 'happy', pampering to his every need, rather than dealing with the precociousness of a child going though the changes of missing a one time father figure and seeing you as a replacement.

Unless she's willing to see reason and negotiate together how you're going to counter his behaviour as a 'team', because he needs to see that she backs you up with the decisions you make and vice versa, it will never work.

Kids need to see that they can't get away with what they do. Having a parent that breaks down to their every need, undervalues that parents role in his/her life. It's a divide and conquer attitude.

She needs to come to the party a lot sooner than you as a disciplinarian in her sons life. You stepping into those shoes without her support will just have him resent you. Why should you tell him off when mum doesn't?

She needs to grow up and start acting like a parent or she's making a rod for her own back that is going to gradually get worse over time.

Unfortunately for you that will reflect on how she responds to your relationship as well. Rather than dealing with it she'll have soothing words and try not make you feel bad.

Well and that's how she talks to him when he does something wrong, with soothing words. You are right on with this and I'm thinking correctly.
So I am made out to be the bad guy and she thinks I'm mean and hard on the kids and now we are taking a break. I am a teacher in High School. I see the result of this tactic, it is going to seriously backfire and in a few years she will see the problem. And now the boy knows how to make the good men in her life leave so he has his mommy all to himself. It's unfortunate because this is such a wonderful woman and her son is awesome most of the time until it involves me! I would love to spend a lot of time with her and him but not if I always feel uncomfortable about this issue.

And no matter how you may tell or advise her what the result will be... the outcome will be the same.. 'dont tell me how to raise my son'.

I wish you the best of luck.

She actual said she is doing just fine raising her son. What do I say to that. I worded it like this" Lets just find a compromise so we can be together.
So now she doesn't want much contact
We are dating but not seeing each other because she wants to take a break, she did not ask for her house keys or other important stuff back
And we both agreed to be faithful during this period. I am not worried at all about another man besides me, their just isn't.
I'm not going to wait forever.
I don't think I should contact her at all except to send her son a birthday card in nov, and if it is longer than a month it
Gives me time to heal up and let her go. We used to talk and text every day. Actually yesterday I was a mess but today is better and then next will be better until I guess she will be gone from my heart

Until she actually realises the full picture of what she's doing she won't understand what it is you're trying to say.

I don't know her side of the story, i.e. what it was like when she was married, what support she was given, if she was given support, has she always just relied on her parenting the child etc... there can be a lot of contributing factors.

Maybe she just doesn't know what she wants right now. It can be confusing at various stages especially starting over with a man who has his ideals on homelife. It has to be reciprocal. If she's not willing to compromise then I see little hope for the future. Because it will eventually in time build into resentment.

I think its admirable, given you current experience with her child that you're still willing to keep a positive contact that you haven't just 'disappeared' from his life. And you're right you don't have to contact her to send him a card, unless of course she says otherwise.

Time is the essence of any healing.

Well she feels I am mean and nit picky about issues, I call it teaching them what not to do and I agree I'm picky about stuff I could let stuff go!! Yes you need a plate when you eat, yes clean up your mess in the sink after you brush your teeth, no stop doing that to the car, or don't do this. Well her son knows exactly how to make her jump and that probably means it's over. Wonderful woman thou.
I'm lonely since my divorce and I miss her but I guess Ill just have to find someone else. I'm pretty good looking too! All I want is a somewhat attractive woman that wants a man to lead the family not boss it around and who loves me but isn't going to leave for a bad boy because her stable guy is now boring which is because we have kids. I miss both of them.

I mean I miss my girl friend not my exwife oops

Frudent slip.. :)

Oh so hygience and cleanliness is allowed to go unnoticed.. can't win them all I guess.

I hope you find someone out there who appreciates you for you. Or if she has a change of heart that you're able to reconcile and find a happy medium.

/thumbs up.. good luck!

You are so close to seeing reality! So close. I think once you realize that you can't visit someone's house and rearrange it, and you can't solve their problems using your standards and rules, and as good as it looks on paper at first, your learning things that you didn't know before, and its time to re evaluate this relationship.

I think you are very close to deciding this may not be a good long term match, you want different things, and have different styles, and work as a team very badly together. I think you are very close to rejecting her program as unworkable, and opting for your own, and returning her important stuff, and doing your own thing again,

That's what I think.

I have been tempted to return her important stuff already but I have some fear of being alone and not finding someo0ne else and this one is pretty good looking that I'm willing to give it a little bit of extra effort..
I worry that I won't find a good woman, I live in a small town and I worry .
I'm not going to date a overweight elephant that doesn't like my kids.
But yes I'm close to exactly what you say. Soon I won't care.
Hmmmmmmm

Update. Ok, She finally wanted to call it quits. I said OK. I packed up all of her stuff and put it in the garage and made a nice big pile and told her that it was ready for her to pick up. I also told her she was the type of woman I was looking for and if she changed her mind in the future I would love to date again. Then I stopped contact! No calls, no texts, no emails, nooooooooooooooothing at all for about 1 1/2 weeks. Because it was over.
Now I get an email and she said she can't get me off her mind and she feels bad for all the hurt she put me through. I did not respond yet.
Let her stew that around in her head for a days. Let her check her email with worry every ten minutes to see if I responded. I am not responding for 24 hours. I want to respond, but she needs to know that my life doesn't evolve around her, it evolves around me. She wrote a nice big paragraph and I'm going to write one sentence in response. She needs to know I am busy. Wink wink. I am not her little emotional play toy.

Is your town that small that there are no eligible and available dates?

Which is what I'm afraid of. If this is going to work then we just need to compromise. I'm going try but I doubt it will work.

So I went no contact for 1 1/2 weeks then she contacted me via email. We had dinner to discuss the issues. I laid it all out on the table, and she cried when I hit the nail right on the head. The words were coming out of my mouth perfect. She asked me if I could make some changes and I asked her if she could make some changes. I spent the night at her house but I did not try to have sex. We talked on the phone the next night for a bit, she called me honey a few times. But the next couple of days I feel like I am the one that starts the texting and ends it, and she doesn't seems to want to text or email. She is going out with her girfriends to a shoppinig mall trip up north , it is an all day thing, She had time to call me Friday night but she diddn't and she can text me any time. I left our last text with the words... "Have a great time on your trip, if you would like to go out after you gete back to give me a call" After that , she said OK. She did not contact me Friday night or today and I am again going "no contact" I'm not playing these games. She needs to want to have me aroound and not just be a buddy. I don't do chat or txt relationship. I'm a touchy kind of guy. She knows where I live and how to contact me so, Ill let her make the next move.

Have fun while she thinks about it. I mean it, do your thing, and look around. Never know maybe you missed something.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind, cripple or crazy.

Talaniman Rule-When you stop looking for love, and do your thing, and enjoy ALL YOUR OPTIONS, AND OPPORTUNITIES, love will find you.

Talaniman Rule-Build a life that you enjoy without a mate and your happiness will attract people who will want to share in it with you.

Well she has not texted me yet, she is currently out with the girls and the bus won't get her back until 9 tonight. I am not contacting her next. She can contact me. It can't be one way in which I do all the communication. She could text me tonight or tom , or Tuesday or heck any time. I also know she feels it in her heart , it bothers her that I am not contacting her, I know it bugs her. It is just eating me up not talking with her. But I am not going to chase. I have been busy all day and will be busy tonight doing stuff around the house. The issue is if she is willing to make a few changes about how to raise kids so we can compromise and I really don't think she wants to make the changes. I explained to her that any good man that she has in her life will want to be treated fair and have some sort of respect and authority over her son, and this issue will come up with any relationship. And she knows this.
I could contact her when she is around her girlfriends and maybe send a text that says" Thinking of you" but I don't want too. She knows I'm thinking of her and she needs to worry a bit.

Update:
We spent time together Sunday. Snuggled, kissy kissy, you know, I stayed the night, no sex, went over Monday night, helped her son with his homework, I thought things were getting better and then this. We are all snuggled up in bed spooning Monday night, my arms around her. I ask " you gonna come over tom night and stay over. Which she has done for the last year and 4 months. She said she needs to pay bills. I said can't you pay bills later on another night? I ask.... do you want me to come to your sons birthday party on saturday? She said I.... guess. I said, nooooo I'm not going to be a bother to anyone. My arms are still around her. She said I'm not a bother. We had a little pause. Then she said "how long are we going to drag this out" Meaning the relationship. I said do you love me... no answer, I said do you have some feelings for me?. no answer... Do you miss me at all when you go to work?. no answer... I held her for about another minute.
Then I calmy got out of bed, got dressed, the lights are out in the house except for a few night lights. This is her house by the way. So I gathered my stuff. I left her house key and garage door opener that I had to get in right on the counter. She didn't say one word to stop me and I did not yell or scream, or talk. I just got up and left.

I emailed her when I got home and asked her to pick up her stuff that is in the garage on Friday while I am at work, and for her to leave the garage door opener, my house key and my vehicle key on the work bench. She won't pick her stuff up until Friday. I collected all of her photos and everything about her in my house, her bathroom drawer, everything is packed up and in the pile in the garage.

This one is going to hurt my heart in a big way. This woman is a keep.

I still think she is confused, but none the less it's her decision not mine. If she wants she can always text or call or email like she did last time.

Im depressed.

Well, to be fair to you.. you had to give it another shot.

To be fair to all the posters to date, this was the expected outcome.

She isn't confused. You are. You are trying to hold on to something that just isn't tangible any longer nor has been since the 25th.

Its time to let her go. Completely. Talaniman has given exceptional advice on how to move on with your life. You need to now find a way to adapt those suggestions and move on. You went NC for a 1 1/2 weeks.. its time to start.. again.

This time, for your sake, I hope you stick with it.

I know but I know a good woman when I find one. Your right I'm not willing to let go. I'm kind of hoping that maybe she will contact me in a few weeks, but I need to move on no matter what happens. I know, I know. I just love the woman and her son.

You 'knew' of a good woman.

You will find a 'GREAT' woman.

And you have to.. for your own peace of mind and sanity.

But hey you want to be kept as a yoyo, you just keep on waiting for her call, work yourself up, annnnnd fall.. again.

Read back on your previous posts. I think there are some obvious reasons yourself need to move on an soon. She left you, she won't allow you to discipline her child.. the list kind of goes on.

But you know right?

We spoke on the phone and she says she just doesn't love me. It's not her son or anything I've done wrong. She has tried to bring back the love but it's just not their. :((((( I asked her if she can be faithful for 30 days see how she feels and I'll call her in 30 days and we can maybe go out to eat and see how she feels after 30 days. She agreed. She is just in this lost phase at the moment and doesn't know what she wants. I agree it's over, but I'm giving it one last shot. So now I need everyone's advice.

She says she does miss me sometimes when I'm not around and that's why she is trying to make it work but it can't be forced.
What do you guys think.