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Hello. Happy Holidays to all.
I found out that my ex is in another relationship. She said that she didn't want a relationship with anyone when she left me, but I didn't believe her. I guess I was right. She probably said this because she "didn't want to hurt me". Fission Mailed. I'm not as upset or sick as I thought I would be, but that'll change.
I don't know what else to say...
Many people do that to spare the other persons feelings but I guess it definitely hurts the other person when they find out they are going with somebody else. Honestly your better off without your ex, and it is better for you to move on and learn from this experience. Anytime you want to talk or chat. Share your thoughts this is the best place for it.
Joe
Been 2 months of NC. I've been steeling myself against this moment for some time, and it still hurts. I have taken this all as a learning experience.
I thought that in time, I would contact her to see if she was still agreeable to a friendship. This throws a huge monkey wrench into that plan.
I think it is just better living well enough alone. Sometimes it is easy staying friends after a break up but in other situations its nearly impossible.
Just keep doing what your doing and live your life without her. It will hurt but as you know from reading these threads here, time heals.
Yeah, time does do wonders. I would have felt like a huge idiot if I were to have broken NC. Still shocking that after we were so close for a year and a half, it's over in a flash. It's like, save for the memories, I have nothing to show for all that time.
But NC does work wonders. I wouldn't have gotten this far without it.
Your wrong there, you not only have memories, you have experience and HOPE for the future because of the experience. So, are you ready to have fun yet??:DQuote:
It's like, save for the memories, I have nothing to show for all that time.
2 months is a long time, in my opinion! It is enough time to think about what you want. It is enough time to gather your strength. It is enough time to know that it is time to move on. It is enough time to miss a person, if you really care about them. It is enough time to make changes in your life. Shall I go on?
Accept that it's over and move on. If it's any consolation to you, this new relationship probably won't last either and in the end she'll find herself all alone due to her own indecisiveness and inability to face things head-on.
Very True. After sleeping on it, I feel better. I hope that she can find happiness in her life. I have been looking forward to my next relationship, and with what I've learned from this one, I'm sure it will be better.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I do miss her, but not as a girlfriend, just as a cool person who I have love and care for. Would it be good to call and say hello, just to see if the prospect of a friendship is possible?
@jrussole
Yes, please do! 2 months of NC has all but pushed her out of my system. I've accepted that we'll never be together again, but I don't want her to disappear.
I have accepted it's over. I've accepted that for a while. I won't take happiness from her relationship failing (ok, maybe a little) nor will I be angry if this guy turns out to be the one. I only would like to be her friend, as what would hurt even more than her leaving our relationship would be not being on speaking terms with her at all.Quote:
Originally Posted by s_cianci
2 months is enough time to call her to say, Hi! Its enough time to tell her your feelings and that you will always care about her. Its enough time to start looking for someone else to care about. Its enough time to accept that all you can do is tell someone that you care about them and hope that someday they will realize what they lost. Its enough time to pick yourself up and find avenues of release. It is enough time to get busy doing other things than focusing on the would have, shoulda's in life. Its enough time to tell yourself you are worthy of someone better. Its enough time to pat yourself on the back for caring about a person in spite of them not caring about you. Its enough time to hope for the future. Its enough to time to dream of the possibilities of a future full of hope and happiness. Its enough time to make a resolution upon a New Year and be free of any sort of confinement whether emotional and or physical that you have placed upon yourself in the past year.
Very well said. Most of what you've said I actively do, like looking toward the future with anticipation instead of dread. I really am looking forward to 2007 as the birth of a second me.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
Instead of calling her, maybe I should send a text message simply saying "Hi, and have a happy new year". I wonder if she would respond?
This sounds like your letting your butt get comfortable on a pity pot, instead of doing the things you enjoy in life. NO CONTACT, until you can accept that she may well disappear from your life.Quote:
Instead of calling her, maybe I should send a text message simply saying "Hi, and have a happy new year". I wonder if she would respond?
You must be a friend to yourself, before you can be one to any one else. NO CONTACT, you don't sound healthy enough to handle a friendship with this female, as your feelings still run strong and you are holding on and in denial that you re still healing. Sorry, but don't retard your good progress in a moment of weakness.Quote:
I only would like to be her friend, as what would hurt even more than her leaving our relationship would be not being on speaking terms with her at all.
Nah, she isn't worth your energy. But if in your opinion she is, I would make it more personal. A call, a flower w/short note at her door. A note in the mail. Just to let her know, what she'll be missing! Lol
You know my story, You know what I've been through. How can I not be healthy enough to have a friendship? I do consider myself a great friend.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I know she can just write me off for the rest of her life, and that I may never see her again. But does that mean I can't try to at least say something to her?
You and talaniman give opposing advice. What you say screams of desperation and it may give her the impression that I want her back. I do not (besides, she hates flowers). I just want to let her know that I haven't forgotten about her. She knowswhat she's missing, and by her being with someone else, it doesn't seem like it's affecting her too much.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
All I can say is the relationships that have stuck with me through the years of "why" I made that choice or "why" he made that choice for break-up are the ones that made me think twice, just even once. For example: As young kids, we would play "run, catch, kiss". Later we would play, "spin the bottle". After that we played, "the dating game". I found Rob to stick on me. Like glue. Years later, we found our paths. Went on a real date and had dinner. I wasn't interested in having a relationship with anyone at that point in my life. Too busy with college and a career. And I told him as such. He was heart broken. And told me as such. But the one thing that still makes me wonder about him for time to time, is that note he left at my front door one day. He told me that he will always love me. He misses the days of running, catching and kissing me, as well as spinning the bottle hoping it would land on me. And how he wished that I would have just given him a chance. Now that guy, will always pop into my head- from time to time, when I am pissed at my husband!! Can't help it, I'm human!
That makes a lot of sense. But are you in still in contact with this guy? I could do this, but it's not what I want. She knows the good times we had together and (hopefully) she will not forget them. I didn't want to talk to her for some time. Now I do. Maybe because I feel a sense of "closure" now that she's with someone else.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
I know your story very well and sorry to sound so cruel about it. I think it does more harm than good to contact your ex in any way right now and if you check for yourself, the threads in this forum where the holiday season has people dwelling on the past and wondering should I just tell her Happy New year? Understandable, but see how you feel in 30 days. After the holidays and when the emotional dust has settled. Whats the hurry?Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
As a guy I have sat in your seat and from what you wrote here ,its all about her and her perceptions and not you and your motivations.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
I feel your need for her to acknowledge you is misplaced and not healthy at this point in time. She knows you have not forgotten her and if she doesn't who cares at this point. Not in you interest to remind her you still care. Not healthy in my opinion, but only you can say what you will or need to do. I say continue with no contact.Quote:
And by her being with someone else, it doesn't seem like it's affecting her too much
I know Rob went on to become a famous and awesome person. He is a very talented bassist in a band. And he dedicates his life to helping others, as well. We are not in touch any longer. But I know, that he will always have a special place in my heart. It's been about 25 years since he left that note at my door. I believe there are memories of people that have touched our lives, that will never come un-glued. Especially, the important ones.
If you will feel a sense of closure. Than it maybe something that you can do for you. Not her. It may make you feel better. I am sure that if I asked Rob today if sending me that note with a flower made him feel better and gave him closure, he would probably tell me it did. But that memory has stuck with me, like glue- I will admit to that.
You are right. Maybe this was only a moment of weakness. I will continue with no contact. I don't need to prove to her that I still care, I always will.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I think this all spawned from her having a new boyfriend. I felt that since she's already with another person, it would be easier to just forget all about me. I wanted to show her that I was above all of that, and that even though she's found someone else, I would still care and love her.
Man, that sounds really stupid after thinking about it. Thanks for saving me from myself.
It would only make me feel better it she said she still loves and cares about me, and then proceeded to call me and want to talk to me on a regular basis. If that didn't happen, I would be devastated.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
Than, I wouldn't write a note. Because it would be only hurting yourself. It might be better to let it go, for now. And see if your feeling differently in 2 more months? As others have told you, time does heal all wounds.
I once had a friend named Eddie. Eddie loved Suzy. Suzy didn't love Eddie. But she still wanted to sleep with Eddie! So, she would call on Eddie just for the sex. And then go back to Freddie!
Well, my friend Eddie was devastated every time Suzy went back to Freddie. After all, he had Suzy first. Suzy just couldn't make up her mind. She wanted Freddie. But she wanted to sleep with Eddie!
Well, Eddie asked his friend Lucy what to do. Lucy loved Eddie. She told Eddie, "stop sleeping with her! Get away from her for 6 months. Or take it one month at a time, Eddie!"
So Eddie did what Lucy told him to do.
Suzy was going absolutely nuts. She missed sleeping with Eddie. Started to chase after him. But Eddie held his guns. He didn't give up on what Lucy pleaded with him not to do!
After 6 months, Eddie finally gave in and slept with Suzy again. But this time it wasn't the same. He no longer felt about Suzy the way he once did. And Suzy went right back to Freddie, anyway.
Eddie never slept with Suzy again after that. But he started dating Lucy!
They have been happy together ever since.
I have been in the same situation as you. I was in pain for a couple of weeks. But then I realized that there are more girls out there that are 10 times better than your ex. Go out there and live your life. Don't even worry about her because she is not worrying about you. She is enjoying her current relationship. I would just forget about her and make more female friends. Believe me, you will feel a lot better. I DID!
Hi Blaze, I have been following you and your situation and progress from the beginning and firstly I would like to say that I think you are a good man who deserves a relationship with a good woman who will appreciate you for all the fine qualities that I think you have. I'm not just saying that but it seems to me from what you write and the way you express yourself that you are a kind, caring person who has real depth. These personality traits are very valuable in a serious relationship and many women who are good for you will appreciate these fine qualities.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Right... Away from that point.
I also think you are still in a state of denial and I still think that you are holding onto false hope, even though you may not be aware of this, it seems to be there. You are still concerned about what she is doing, what she will or will not regret. This has nothing to do with your progress and moving on. Listen my friend... I know how you feel, you know I have had my setbacks from my threads and I keep my eyes open to why I think what I think and feel what I feel. I do not deny things which stare me in the face. After that myspace ordeal where I discovered my ex was on that website looking for someone, I removed myself completely from it recently. This is because I realise that what my ex is doing now is nothing to do with my life anymore. Yes, I will admit that it was a blow when I found out what she said she was looking for on there, it hurt but I justified it in knowing that I treated her right and was sincere. She painted a description of a man she wanted that was the complete opposite.. >Which makes sense really, otherwise I would still be with her... LOL
I accept that my relationship is OVER with my ex. You just have to let go Blaze and I don't think that friendship is a healthy option for you. To tell you the truth, I could not be friends with my ex, now or in the future. Well, maybe in the distant future I can and maybe you can with your ex too. For now though, just let her go.
How do you know she is seeing someone else blaze? The reason I ask is that I think you should remove yourself from anything or anyone that can fill you in with any information about her. She may be 'cool' as you put it in an earlier response but I am sure she is not the greatest of all women on earth. I am not slating her, I know you loved her but I think half the problem with you and her was that you put her on this pedestal which unfortunately led to the breakup. I'm sure there were other factors but this in my opinion was a dominant one.
Learn from these mistakes and use them for the next relationship when the right woman for you turns up. Love will find you again.
Happy New Year to you blaze and a fine time to look forward to the future.
This is not bad advice, but I would say to avoid any indications from anyone of how long it will take for you to recover. This was a big emotional loss for you blaze and you will take as long as it takes for you as an individual. I know I feel much better after 4 months but I am not ready to be with anyone else and I would say that for you, be prudent not to enter any new relationship too early. What richsaha2007 suggest though is getting a new circle of female friends. There is nothing wrong with that and it will help you to move on. Don't go comparing them with her though. People are always unique and when you are ready, you will not be searching for your ex in others because that is when you have truly let go.Quote:
Originally Posted by richsaha2007
Go out there and live you life was also great advice. She is doing this and so should you. Hard when you are the one left behind but important and somewhat inevitable in most cases.
She knows who you are and what you are. There is no need to remind her of what she may have lost because deep inside she will know this. Again, I reiterate that it is really important to not get too caught up in what she will feel or think.
Geoff! Its strange that you mentioned about finding your x on myspace!
My girlfriend who just got dumped by her x, started to search on match.com. And low and behold she found my x on it! I told her to go out with him! She said, "Heck no! He caused you enough headaches! And I had to listen to every one of them!" LOL
A part of me, feels better now about that particular break up. I checked the site. He really looks good, very handsome. But I feel bad for all of the women out there. I believe he has a 666 tattooed in his brain. And I must admit a part of me found pity for him. He still hasn't found "the one" after all of these years! (20). Or do I feel pity for all of the women who go out with him? Or because of his muscles? Once they get to know him, his true colors will show. And I hope they run for the hills! I know I did!
And find someone like, Blaze instead. Not that you aren't handsome or have muscles Blaze. That I don't know, can't tell where I'm sitting! You have much more depth than that!
It was just curiosity at the time that got the better of me. I just typed her name in but it was a mistake. I have since deleted my account so that I am not on there and therefore have no reason to visit the site. I don't want to know what my ex is doing e.t.c. It was just a slip for me a few weeks back but I've resolved that now. Like blaze, I have gone through a long roller coaster of emotions as many on here have. That is what's so great about this website because people understand and draw upon their own experiences.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
I have not found the right woman yet and I am 26, yet that is still remarkably young in my opinion and I know she will turn up eventually and appreciate me for who I am and want the same things. I thought I had the right one but love is blind... or maybe I did but met her at the wrong time.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
Having depth and being true to himself and others will bring the right woman to you blaze. It is really important to love oneself too for others to love you as I am sure you are already aware.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrussole
Thank you for the support, Geoff. I understand everything you've said. Last night was just a relapse. After thinking about it, I know that I would have made a very grave mistake. I came here to share my feelings so that I could be sure what I was doing was correct. I know now it wasn't. She has a myspace and she's listed as in a relationship (I'm sorry Geoff, I know this is very hypocritical of me, but I was too curious). Strangely, I feel a sense of relief knowing this. I have sworn off her myspace and I will not contact her, no matter how much I may be thinking about her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Blaze.. I feel for you man! You must be feeling quite bad after this. I say this because I know how it would make me feel. When I saw my ex on there, it simply said that she was there for dating, relationships e.t.c. but she put things in her profile about wanting to meet an outgoing, wild bloke who is mad like her lol.. Still hurt though because I started making assumptions about what reflection that had on me. But val put me right on this and said that you should not compare someone's outsides with your insides... As she said, this is bad science and I understand this now.
May I suggest something? Completely remove your myspace account so that you are no longer on there. Unfortunately, there is no way of being blocked from seeing her profile unless she changes her username or makes her profile private. The only way you can stop this is to never visit the site AT ALL. You know this Blaze, because you told me the same thing.. You can do it, you are strong.
You know she is with someone now and it is a blow to you but instead of assuming she is with someone better than you, assume that this may all blow up in her face too. Perhaps try to assume nothing though. As I say, remove her from your life completely and I am afraid to say that by having a myspace account she can check or having access to her site, she is in a way still attached to your life as in, she is in your thoughts and you will be driven by what is happening in her life. You can't get an accurate idea of what is going on with her from myspace anyway. It could actually be fictitious or exaggerated. Remember also that you can read into a lot and fill in gaps on that website and it is quite unhealthy. I am not saying that website is unhealthy, it is a good website but it is certainly unhealthy for your situation and is debilitating to your healing. It can actually open up half healed wounds again. If you continue checking her site, you might actually eventually see pictures of her and her new partner that she may upload.. How is that going to make you feel?? That is why you must STOP now and be strong.
Don't worry about being hypocritical.. It is easy to say but harder to do. You are strong though and you will be able to become the DOER again!
Forget friendship with her, you need to Move On! Friendship is not a playing card you have in your hand at the moment. In time, there is a possibility albeit quite slim but for now, it just is not a realistic idea.
Yes, Geoff! At 26, I don't think you have anything to worry about. But my X is 44 years old! And probably still wrapped up in himself! He looks the part by his pictures, anyway. I guess that is why I pity him. He probably hasn't changed much over the years.
For you and Blaze, I think you need to find someone with as much depth, compassion and honesty that you hold within yourselves.
Which may be difficult for you to find in your 20's. You may need a weed whacker!
They are out there. Maybe right here on the board! If not, you may have to change your old stomping grounds for a new hang out!
They maybe found were you never looked before. Or they may be right under your nose. But not as brazen or loud or self absorbed as what you have previously been attracted to?
I know at 20, I was all of those qualities. And it didn't hit me until I reached my 30's that I needed some weed whacking! As well as self reflection and work to make me less shallow and a need to add a little depth into my persona.
And at 40, I am still working on it. Even being married with children. I still need work! Or as my husband would put it refinement!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
In a strange way, this gives me a sense of closure. Now I know there is absolutely no posiblilty of us coming back together. I don't have a myspace page (and I never will), so I only see her profile as a guest. I'm kind of surprised she hasn't made it private, but I guess she has her reasons. I cannot look at it again, as I always feel like crap when I do.
@jrussole
Why do I feel so old at 20? It feels like my life has passed me by. I know she's out there, and she'll make herself known to me when the time is right.
By jrussole,
I could not rep this poster, but thought the insight and self knowledge (and humor :) ) bore repeating. When times are bad we feel old and tired, but when they get better we are young again. After 3 decades o marriage my wife has given up on the refinements thing and accepted me for the brat that I am. Tea anyone? Pinkies out:)Quote:
I know at 20, I was all of those qualities. And it didn't hit me until I reached my 30's that I needed some weed whacking! As well as self reflection and work to make me less shallow and a need to add a little depth into my persona.
And at 40, I am still working on it. Even being married with children. I still need work! Or as my husband would put it refinement!
[QUOTE=BlazingCold}jrussole
Why do I feel so old at 20? It feels like my life has passed me by. I know she's out there, and she'll make herself known to me when the time is right.[/QUOTE]
Blaze, you are more advanced than most! Maturity doesn't always find itself until your old. Consider yourself lucky that you have a head on your shoulders! Now you just have to find another that has the same qualities you possess. And you'll be fine. And yes, 2007 will be a much better year for you! Just get out that weed whacker, toss the ones that don't make the cut, so that you can find the flowers! They are there. They may not be in bloom, yet.
Thanks for the support. I've been told by many that I am more mature that usual for my age. But I still feel an attraction to "immature" women. Maybe because I didn't date in high school. I sure hope she's out there and flowers soon, I need to focus on someone else for a while.
Firstly, Yes I believe you are very mature for your age and that is a good thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Secondly, Focus on you rather than someone new. She will come but it will all come in time. I see a lot of similarities between me and you blaze and I sense we have both been drawn to the wrong types of women. The right one will show up.. In time..
And remember that even though you are a mature lad, you can still have fun too. Just as long as fun does not hurt others in any way, then having fun is healthy! :)
I've done a good bit of focusing on myself. I've analysed my life and found what I'm uphapy with and am trying to change said things.
I think what's most bothering me is the feeling that my ex hates me for reasons unknown. I know I treated her as well as I could. I brought up breaking NC to answer this question.
Being at home is nice, but without school to distract me, my thoughts drift to what we had. None of my friends live close by. The fact that I know she's living it up doesn't make it any better.
But I'll feel better in time. And I will NOT break NC. I will come here to vent should the urge to crack comes on again. Thank you.
I'm in a similar situation, but the big mistake I made, and it sounds like you're making, is that you're operating under the assumption that her life is going swimmingly without you. If your relationship was substantial, and meant anything to both parties, believe me, the dude she's seeing now is the dude she's crying about you to. My ex was seeing somebody else within 2 weeks of us breaking up, but I doubt she left me for him.
I know the satisfaction you'll get from her misery is minimal, but you also can't let go of something so important in such a short period, particularly when you don't see a good reason to. The best revenge is living well.
Why would her life not be pretty good. She's out of a relationship that caused her a lot of pain apparently (ours, pain that I never knew existed), has an apparently great group of friends, is into a lot of clubs and now has a boyfriend (2 months after leaving me).
What reason would she have to cry about me? She's the one who left. She knows what she was doing. I do operate under the satisfaction that her life is better off without me, because it is. Why would you leave someone who you told loved with all your heart unless you were sure that life without them is better than life with them.
Besides, thinking like this becomes motivation for me to have the last laugh by making the changes to myself I've always wanted. I will have my revenge, by living a great life full of opportunity and prosperity.
My story is posted, if you'd like to read and tell the similarities/differences. I find that my ex is going through a sort of identity crisis. Dating me for 2 years and being in pain are almost mutually exclusive. The pain mine was in more or less equates to her realizing she's not food enough for me. The parties and great friends are just validation. She came out feeling like a piece of , and needs to associate herself with people who make her feel better about herself, despite doing the wrong thing, which could be either dating me, or breaking up with me.
That's my opinion, and I suppose there's always the possibility she never felt that way towards me and faked it for 2 years, but I doubt it. Friends, parties and replacements are all distractions, some people learn to face themselves, some don't. Have faith that yours will, but don't run your life on it.
I might also add, in my case, her life isn't better off without me, it's just easier.
Boys! Life is too short to worry about the wouldve's and/or couldve's in this world. What's fun is the anticipation of the party! Happy New Years!
Get thrashed, you'll feel better! :)!
Talaniman! You have really cracked me up. But it is time to go. I have had enough.
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