A long and complicated mess...
"how to get over my ex", "how to win him back" yadda yadda yadda, this site has proved the best and most (brutally) honest one and has thoroughly helped me gain some perspective in my situation, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post, you're all fab!
Ok, so my situation. I feel a little silly being so cut up about this relationship after reading how some of you are dealing with the loss of a very long term partner, 10 years, 20 years etc and here's me bleating on about a 4 month relationship that I just can't accept ending, almost 2 months later! Anyhow, I'm in on a Friday night as all my girlfriends are busy so instead of trying yet another failed attempt at contact with said ex (shame on me I know) I thought I'd pour my heart out here, I hope you all don't mind!
I'll give you a little background info and then maybe someone can tell me to stop being daft and move on, any advice will be most graciously received!
I'll start almost 6 years ago now, I was in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy for almost a year, for 9 months of that he battled cancer, enduring radiotherapy and chemotherapy and the most awful pain which no medication could control, but in spite of that he remained the strongest person I know. I knew he wouldn't recover but I stuck by him as leaving wouldn't do any of us any good, in December time a doctor told him he had "days and weeks" to live, we got engaged and then in the January he passed away, very peacefully. It hit me very hard and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, but I have moved on as he told me to go and find someone who will give me the love I deserve.
So onto my next relationship I went, just a few months after I started seeing a guy who lived quite a distance away. He had recently lost his father so we had something in common and a strained relationship between us ensued. Though we never put a label on it, we had a relationship for 2 years. To put it lightly it was quite a destructive one, we would argue and fall out almost everyday, he'd tell me if I was the last person on earth he didn't wouldn't want me to be his girlfriend, but still I went back to him time and time again, think of it as a major rebound if you will. This relationship affected me far more than my Fiancée passing, I became argumentative, when I wasn't before, I became distant and I would just verbally attack anyone at the drop of a hat. I would say things I didn't mean, horrible, evil things, but as I was saying them I would feel numb. Nothing would upset me, when I was a reasonably emotional person before. Eventually I saw the light and ended this thing, whatever it was I had with this guy.
Are you asleep yet?
Fast forward almost 3 years and we are in the present day more or less (what a journey eh?) and I meet this guy online, as soon as I saw him I knew he was the one for me. We had a few dates and became "official" if you will, he was wonderful, caring, funny, sweet etc etc etc (rose tinted specs playing a part maybe... ) Anyhow, after a month he told me he loved me, after 2 months we talked of moving in in the next year, after he served 4 months in the army we were going to buy our own house. During our relationship we travelled to Wales so I could meet his Father, and France so I could meet his mother. I'd never done so much with a partner, everything moved so fast I was just swept away.
I told him all about my 2 previous relationships, the passing of my fiancée and the abusive relationship that followed and he cried. He said he felt honored that I chose him as I had been through so much.
Then the arguments started, I became very insecure and I suppose I picked most arguments, as learnt from my previous relationship. I felt history repeating itself. I was turning into my abusive ex, so I told my current partner of these fears, he understood and said it explained my behaviour and he would stick by me as I worked through it. Then I started taking the contraceptive pill and my mood swings went into overdrive, at first I didn't realise that was the reason, but as soon as I stopped taking it my hormones started to level out and I began to feel myself again, I talked about this with my boyfriend at the time, he still said he understood and would support me.
The last weekend we were together we were still talking about getting our place together and he wanted to make sure it was what I wanted, he didn't want to rush me into anything, of course it was what I wanted, I'd never been happier, I'd found someone so understanding of my previous relationship issues and who would stand by me whilst I sorted out my demons.
Then boom, the week later after a small disagreement - I sent him a text saying I wished he was staying in that night as I'd pop over to surprise him, I was trying to be a bit flirty, he took it the wrong way and told me I was being selfish and controlling - he ends it. Says he can't cope with me and that we'll talk in a few weeks, but as a relationship it'll never be. The week before he was telling me he loved me and wanted to move in, then the next... gone. I was gutted, devastated, sick, confused, you know the drill.
So then I did everything I wasn't supposed to: text, Facebook, I contacted his mother, the shame! He ignored most of my attempts. So after about a month I gave up, he said maybe next year when he's back from the army and we have both gotten over it we can talk - so I accept it, I begin to move on and rebuild my life after letting someone in after so long. Then 2 weeks later I get a text to "check how I am" so I reply, I was polite, happy and asked how he was, gave him my news etc. Then the next day I attempt an MSN conversation, it goes OK until he says he has to go, and just to clarify I asked him that by him contacting me did that mean that we could try to be friends? He said that I would want to get back with him at the drop of a hat, of course I denied wanting such things.He said it wasn't a good idea and that if I was so willing to be friends then clearly I was "dealing with this better" than he was, er HELLO! You dumped me! I said why did he bother to contact me then after 2 weeks and he said that maybe it wasn't a good idea, clearly regretting it now.
He said to contact him in a few weeks to let him know how to move goes (I'm moving house) so I said to him I'd leave it up to him as I didn't want to push things and upset him.
So that was a week ago, I've not contacted him in anyway.
So now I'm at a loss, am I flogging a dead horse? I know it seems a very short relationship, but he quickly became very important to me, it took a lot for me to let him in like I did and I just cannot accept that he is no longer a part of my life. He's stubborn and I know the whole no contact thing will just work and he'll never contact me again and the thought of that makes me sick to the stomach.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'll be shocked if anyone bothers to read and/or can even get the jist of my story! But hey, at least that's another half an hour I've gone with the whole NC thing, eh?
Love and light to you all,
Xxxxx
