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-   -   A long and complicated mess... (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=502471)

  • Aug 27, 2010, 03:06 PM
    charcharlu
    A long and complicated mess...
    "how to get over my ex", "how to win him back" yadda yadda yadda, this site has proved the best and most (brutally) honest one and has thoroughly helped me gain some perspective in my situation, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post, you're all fab!

    Ok, so my situation. I feel a little silly being so cut up about this relationship after reading how some of you are dealing with the loss of a very long term partner, 10 years, 20 years etc and here's me bleating on about a 4 month relationship that I just can't accept ending, almost 2 months later! Anyhow, I'm in on a Friday night as all my girlfriends are busy so instead of trying yet another failed attempt at contact with said ex (shame on me I know) I thought I'd pour my heart out here, I hope you all don't mind!

    I'll give you a little background info and then maybe someone can tell me to stop being daft and move on, any advice will be most graciously received!

    I'll start almost 6 years ago now, I was in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy for almost a year, for 9 months of that he battled cancer, enduring radiotherapy and chemotherapy and the most awful pain which no medication could control, but in spite of that he remained the strongest person I know. I knew he wouldn't recover but I stuck by him as leaving wouldn't do any of us any good, in December time a doctor told him he had "days and weeks" to live, we got engaged and then in the January he passed away, very peacefully. It hit me very hard and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, but I have moved on as he told me to go and find someone who will give me the love I deserve.

    So onto my next relationship I went, just a few months after I started seeing a guy who lived quite a distance away. He had recently lost his father so we had something in common and a strained relationship between us ensued. Though we never put a label on it, we had a relationship for 2 years. To put it lightly it was quite a destructive one, we would argue and fall out almost everyday, he'd tell me if I was the last person on earth he didn't wouldn't want me to be his girlfriend, but still I went back to him time and time again, think of it as a major rebound if you will. This relationship affected me far more than my Fiancée passing, I became argumentative, when I wasn't before, I became distant and I would just verbally attack anyone at the drop of a hat. I would say things I didn't mean, horrible, evil things, but as I was saying them I would feel numb. Nothing would upset me, when I was a reasonably emotional person before. Eventually I saw the light and ended this thing, whatever it was I had with this guy.

    Are you asleep yet?

    Fast forward almost 3 years and we are in the present day more or less (what a journey eh?) and I meet this guy online, as soon as I saw him I knew he was the one for me. We had a few dates and became "official" if you will, he was wonderful, caring, funny, sweet etc etc etc (rose tinted specs playing a part maybe... ) Anyhow, after a month he told me he loved me, after 2 months we talked of moving in in the next year, after he served 4 months in the army we were going to buy our own house. During our relationship we travelled to Wales so I could meet his Father, and France so I could meet his mother. I'd never done so much with a partner, everything moved so fast I was just swept away.

    I told him all about my 2 previous relationships, the passing of my fiancée and the abusive relationship that followed and he cried. He said he felt honored that I chose him as I had been through so much.

    Then the arguments started, I became very insecure and I suppose I picked most arguments, as learnt from my previous relationship. I felt history repeating itself. I was turning into my abusive ex, so I told my current partner of these fears, he understood and said it explained my behaviour and he would stick by me as I worked through it. Then I started taking the contraceptive pill and my mood swings went into overdrive, at first I didn't realise that was the reason, but as soon as I stopped taking it my hormones started to level out and I began to feel myself again, I talked about this with my boyfriend at the time, he still said he understood and would support me.

    The last weekend we were together we were still talking about getting our place together and he wanted to make sure it was what I wanted, he didn't want to rush me into anything, of course it was what I wanted, I'd never been happier, I'd found someone so understanding of my previous relationship issues and who would stand by me whilst I sorted out my demons.

    Then boom, the week later after a small disagreement - I sent him a text saying I wished he was staying in that night as I'd pop over to surprise him, I was trying to be a bit flirty, he took it the wrong way and told me I was being selfish and controlling - he ends it. Says he can't cope with me and that we'll talk in a few weeks, but as a relationship it'll never be. The week before he was telling me he loved me and wanted to move in, then the next... gone. I was gutted, devastated, sick, confused, you know the drill.

    So then I did everything I wasn't supposed to: text, Facebook, I contacted his mother, the shame! He ignored most of my attempts. So after about a month I gave up, he said maybe next year when he's back from the army and we have both gotten over it we can talk - so I accept it, I begin to move on and rebuild my life after letting someone in after so long. Then 2 weeks later I get a text to "check how I am" so I reply, I was polite, happy and asked how he was, gave him my news etc. Then the next day I attempt an MSN conversation, it goes OK until he says he has to go, and just to clarify I asked him that by him contacting me did that mean that we could try to be friends? He said that I would want to get back with him at the drop of a hat, of course I denied wanting such things.He said it wasn't a good idea and that if I was so willing to be friends then clearly I was "dealing with this better" than he was, er HELLO! You dumped me! I said why did he bother to contact me then after 2 weeks and he said that maybe it wasn't a good idea, clearly regretting it now.

    He said to contact him in a few weeks to let him know how to move goes (I'm moving house) so I said to him I'd leave it up to him as I didn't want to push things and upset him.

    So that was a week ago, I've not contacted him in anyway.

    So now I'm at a loss, am I flogging a dead horse? I know it seems a very short relationship, but he quickly became very important to me, it took a lot for me to let him in like I did and I just cannot accept that he is no longer a part of my life. He's stubborn and I know the whole no contact thing will just work and he'll never contact me again and the thought of that makes me sick to the stomach.

    I'm sorry for the long post, I'll be shocked if anyone bothers to read and/or can even get the jist of my story! But hey, at least that's another half an hour I've gone with the whole NC thing, eh?

    Love and light to you all,

    Xxxxx
  • Aug 27, 2010, 03:15 PM
    Kitkat22

    Stick with NC. He apparently assumes you are ready to get back together. Don't fall for it.
    You're doing great.

    If it's meant to be it will be.
  • Aug 27, 2010, 03:57 PM
    Homegirl 50

    Both of you jumped into this way too fast. I love you and lets live together after dating for 2 months. Goodness.
    Sounds like he leaped before he looked and is having second thoughts and you were blown away over this guy (that you really don't know)
    Let it go. Go NC and move on with your life.
  • Aug 28, 2010, 01:54 AM
    charcharlu

    Thanks for you replies!

    KitKat - I think the reason he doesn't want to be friends is because he assumes it would be a ploy to get back together, which I suppose in truth it is, because I'm finding it hard to let him go - however he seemed offended and shocked when I told him this wasn't the case and he was almost upset I seemed to be coping better than him, even though this was all his choice.

    Homegirl - Thanks. I know it was all very sudden. At the time it felt right. I know both of his parents have had a lot of relationship problems. His Dad's 4 marriage ended at the same time our relationship did. I think that played a part in his decision to end it really.

    The NC continues...
  • Aug 28, 2010, 07:42 AM
    Homegirl 50

    A man telling you he loves you after a month, traveling to meet his parents making plans to live together sounds strange to me and given that his parents have problems in relationships, it makes sense to me that he does too. Leaping in and out of them so fast is probably normal for him
    How old are the both of you?
  • Aug 28, 2010, 09:36 AM
    charcharlu

    I'm almost 26 and he is 28. He's only had one long term relationship as far as I know and that was in his early 20s with an older woman.

    I wish I could come to my senses and snap out of this but everything reminds me of him! It's driving me insane.

    He's going away in the Army for 4 months in January and I wish I could still support him, send him things etc as I know it will be hard for him. Buy it's probably a bad idea.
  • Aug 28, 2010, 12:47 PM
    Homegirl 50

    I think you need to leave this alone. Get your bearings back so you can think logically. I really believe that once you stepped away from this you'll look at it again see that this relationship was on the too quick and strange side.
    You can come to your senses if that is what you choose to do or you can wallow in this and romanticized it until you're crazy.
  • Aug 28, 2010, 02:20 PM
    charcharlu

    I know you're right. I think I came to depend on him too fast also. I'm in the process of my parents selling the one house I've ever lived in to go and live on a Canal Boat and I'm moving into a flat, he made it easier because I knew that next May when he was back from his Army tour that he would be moving in with me there and then we'd find our own place... Now the prospect of having to deal with this on my own, when originally when it all started happening I had him by my side helping, is a bit scary!

    I need to learn to depend on myself!

    I know I'm being silly about all this, I suppose you just need to hear it from a impartial point of view to bring it all home. My friends have all said the same, but you think they are only saying it because they have to! I'd just been single for so long and to find someone who liked me and I liked them back felt amazing, it's so hard to meet nice guys nowadays and now it feels like I'm back to square one.

    Thank you for your advice Homegirl, I really do appreciate it.
  • Aug 28, 2010, 02:45 PM
    Homegirl 50

    You're welcome.
    I don't mean to be harsh, just to help you see things outside of your heart, your feelings. You are going to be fine.
    Anytime you need to vent, we are here.
    I wish you well.
  • Aug 28, 2010, 02:49 PM
    charcharlu

    Oh no no, you weren't harsh at all, don't worry. I need a good slap around the chops :)
  • Aug 28, 2010, 02:51 PM
    Homegirl 50

    Have a good weekend.
  • Aug 28, 2010, 02:51 PM
    talaniman

    Stop trying to hold on to tightly and make a clean break of this thing. When its over, its over, so why prolong the agony. Just let go and get beyond it.
  • Sep 29, 2010, 01:05 PM
    charcharlu

    Just a quick update for anyone who cares, my ex contacted me on Monday to wish me a happy birthday (after a month of NC on my part) and that he had something planned for us to do and my birthday, which served as a painful reminder that he wasn't happy in his decision and he wanted to see me! So after a long 2 hour phonecall, the first time I'd verbally spoken to him in almost 3 months, I decided to go and see him - mainly to test myself to see if I still actually had feelings, in my head I did, but after 3 months of going over and over a relationship I had feared that I'd bigged it up too much in my head!

    So I went to see him, he surprised me with a wonderful night out to a show to see my favourite comedien and we talked and talked and talked realised where it went wrong, we pretty much rushed into everything but he says he can't lose me and wants to try again.

    So now we are taking it super slow, just dating (something we didn't previously do) to see where the winds blows us.

    After 3 months of feeling numb, I got the one birthday present I wanted but I was too scared to hope for - My best friend back in my life!

    So there is hope for relationships yet, happiness is there for everyone to grab - you just need patience.

    (I also wished on a shooting star, I think that helped!)

    Xxx
  • Sep 29, 2010, 01:50 PM
    answerme_tender

    Char-
    You of all people know and understand that life is way to short. So stop wasting yours waiting on a man who obviously isn't ready for a committed relationship. He may enjoy the
    "first passion" feelings in a relationship, but push comes to shove, he walks away. Now to be honest, its seems that you need to have a lot of control in a relationship, with reassurance. That could be from having to watch someone you love battle a disease you had no control over.
    You have a whole new chapter happening in your life, with getting your own place, Enjoy it, try just being on your own. Really take the time to discover what you want and what you have to offer in a relationship. You can still get out with friends, date,etc, but learn its okay to be on your own. That you don't have to jump into any relationship. You seem to be a really neat person, good luck
  • Sep 29, 2010, 02:48 PM
    Homegirl 50

    I hope you take this very slow.
    He is taking charge and assuming and going full speed ahead again.
    Did he explain what his problem was? Has his issues been resolved?
    I hope you don't hit another speed bump.
  • Sep 29, 2010, 03:38 PM
    charcharlu

    His issues stem from both of his parents going from one relationship to the next. He had a quite a rough childhood, so it doesn't surprise me he doesn't trust relationships.

    I'm of the mentality that an argument doesn't mean the end of a relationship, its just part of it. He isn't confrontational at all and I think arguing scares him maybe. He says he knows he needs to toughen up and get past his issues as well.

    I don't know, most people think I'm being an idiot - but my heart tells me this deserves another shot!
  • Sep 29, 2010, 03:51 PM
    Homegirl 50

    What I'm saying is if you have not dealt with what caused the break up, the issue is still there and will rear it's head again.
    Did he explain why he dumped you?
  • Sep 29, 2010, 04:09 PM
    charcharlu

    Yes he did, he said he didn't like (or understand) my mood swings - I'm a bit of a stroppy person, which stems from relationship number 2 in my original post. I over react at stuff sometimes, which looking back I shouldn't have done.

    It was truly a case of I didn't know what I had until I lost it. I just need to learn to not take out my insecurities on people around me. He also needs to open up more, and if I happen to do something which he doesn't like then we need to talk about it there and then, whereas before it would build up and build up then boom... He broke up with me. I later found out that at the same time his fathers 4th marriage has come to an end... I think that had a factor in it.
  • Sep 29, 2010, 04:12 PM
    Homegirl 50

    Well just take this slow. Don't throw your heart back into the ring right away.
  • Sep 30, 2010, 01:46 AM
    kaka67
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by charcharlu View Post
    Yes he did, he said he didn't like (or understand) my mood swings - I'm a bit of a stroppy person, which stems from relationship number 2 in my original post. I over react at stuff sometimes, which looking back I shouldn't have done.

    Nice and convenient for it to be all your fault. So he did nothing wrong?

    Its great that you are willing to give it another try, but, as has already been said if you haven't dealt with the issues that caused the breakup then it will just all happen again. As much as you try for it not too people get back into old habits.

    I would be very cautious. All your fault and you two haven't dealt with anything. You are asking for trouble. Again.
  • Sep 30, 2010, 06:12 AM
    talaniman

    Pay more attention, as they way he deals with conflicts, and issues is something you need to know. And whether he can make adjustments, and communicate, or just walk away when things he cannot control present themselves.

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