Hi to all,

My ex broke up with me a month ago and is now with someone else. The thing is we have 2 kids and we're both in our early 20's. I can honestly say that it's my fault she left. I know the guy that she's with because we used to hang out with her cousins to drink a few beers but we were just acquainted.

Here's the problems that caused this to happen. The main reason for all of this I believe is because she thinks that I had someone else. A couple months back my friend send me a text message asking about a girl that I worked with who had a crush on me. So this is how the text message read, "Hey dude make sure you erase this msg after you read it I don't want you to get in trouble lol. Is that girl that likes you there? Take a picture of her I want to see how she looks. Is she fine?" So I txtd back, "Oh she's not here today, but yeah she is fine."

I didn't erase the messages because my conscience is clean and had nothing to hide. The next day we went to the supermarker and I got off to buy meat so I left my phone in the car. She read those messages and didn't tell me until we got home. She started crying telling me, "Are you with another *****?" She threw the phone at me and told me next time make sure you erase stupid messages. I hugged her tightly and told her, "Baby it's just a girl that has a crush on me from work, I told her that I'm happily married and have two kids. I've never cheated on you since we've been together." So she hugged me back and cried and told me, "I love you so much I don't want to lose you."

So by then I thought we had cleared all of that up. That's when she started txting with this other guy. I didn't pay much attention to it at the moment because she always txtd with friends and she always told me everything they would talk about. It's also my fault that I was focused too much at work and I didn't have time for her and my kids. Even until now she tells me that I never paid attention to her and things would've been different if I had.

The night before she broke up with me we had a fight. So she told me to take her to her aunt's house because she's leaving. I told her OK then go and get your stuff ready and I only said that to see how serious she was. So she went into the room but only to take all her ibuprofen medication they gave her after giving birth to our daughter. She tried to kill herself and she was laying on the floor still conscience. I was so devastated I thought I was going to lose her. Luckily there wasn't that many pills left so she was just dizzy and confused.

When she got better I apologized and hugged her. I told her what were you thinking and replied that she can't live without me. So I told her let's just get married already I know you've been waiting a long time for this. She was so happy that I told her that she hugged me like never before and told me, "I love you so much daddy and I never want to lose you. You just made me the happiest woman on earth." So that night we went and bought all the small things we need for a wedding like the planner, invitations, decorations, etc. This was the night before she decided to leave. The next day she was at her sister's house because she was going to babysit her nephews.

So I went to be with her after work. Then I went home because she was going to spend the night there. But then another fight and one that I initiated. She called me to ask me if she can go to the club with her sister and sister-in-law. But then she said o never mind I rather go next week. So I was kind of upset at this. So I made the biggest mistake of my life and told her so much ****. I was angry at the moment already from stress at work and other places. I should've never told her those ugly things. I regret ever telling her those things that really hurt her.

The next day I went over there to her sister's and tried to apologize and told her that I never meant to tell her those things. She was crying and yelling at me to leave and that she doesn't want to see me. I asked her, "Do you still love me?" She told me, "I don't even know anymore." So I backed off for the night and went home. I tried apologizing to her but she just kept saying, "You know what I don't feel anything for you anymore."

So two weeks later she tells me that she's with someone else. This was a huge shock to me. Her cousin and I are close friends. She tells me that my ex is certain without a doubt that I cheated on her. I did give her false motives to think that way, but I never cheated on her. I tried and tried to get her back with me but she tells me no that she doesn't love me anymore. I just don't understand. I know I hurt her, but for her to think that I played her and now she's with someone else. So I just gave up and told myself, "Ok just let her go. I will make my own life and she can make hers."

And that's what I'm trying to do, but she finds any excuse for me to be near her. She says she doesn't love me, but I know she's lying. She's with that guy on the rebound because he was there for her as her "friend" when I hurt her and now she's with him. I told her you know what, I don't want to know anything about you anymore. I'm just going to live my life without you.

No matter how hard I try to not even contact her, she's the one who's always looking for me and to be honest I'm tired already of her telling me she doesn't love me and yet she always wants to be around me and my family.

The last time I talked to her and tried to make things right was last Thursday. She was crying telling me that I did her wrong and that she would rather die. I told people about this and they all think that she needs help. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much but I can't keep doing this for much longer. She always tells me that she's going to leave and that I will never see her and our kids again. I'm actually starting to hate her a little because I'm asking her to leave me alone if she doesn't love me. No matter what she always has an excuse to call me and I just stopped answering her calls and texts. What should I do?

This is all very sad. What 's going to happen to these 2 kids? Both you and your ex GF need to get yourselves to counceling right away. As brilliant as some of the people here are, this is the only advice I can think of. Good Luck

I think that there is too much emotions stirred up for you both to talk and make head way. Maybe you were wrong, but so was she.

This is where a guy disappears and goes fishing to be away from the stress and get his thoughts together and figure out what he must do next. Take that time away for yourself, and come back with a clear head, and a plan. She either goes with it or NOT.

For sure let her know that as long as she is with another, she will never be with you, and keep her contacts to business about your kids, mean it, and stick to it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think that there is to much emotions stirred up for you both to talk and make head way. Maybe you were wrong, but so was she.

This is where a guy disappears and goes fishing to be away from the stress and get his thoughts together and figure out what he must do next. Take that time away for yourself, and come back with a clear head, and a plan. She either goes with it or NOT.

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Take a cruise.. you on one ship her on another. That should give you both a lot of space to think.

So it's been 10 days since we haven't seen each other. I'm not answering any of her calls or texts AT ALL. If my kids need something I told her to let my mom know and she will tell me. Every time she calls I feel the urge to pick up, but I know whatever we talk about will not end well. I'm good to her when we talk, but then she starts to throw all the wrong things that I did right at my face. I'm tired of her doing that I'm trying to make things right but she makes it worse. That's why I just decided to cut off all contact with her. She called my mom Friday because I won't answer her calls. She told my mom that our kids and her will be leaving soon and to let me know so that I can say good-bye to them. I don't know why she is doing this. I feel like I'm part of a stupid little game she's playing and I'm just too mature to go along with it. I'm just sticking to my plan on letting her realize that she is losing me and she needs to act fast before it's too late. I lied and told her that I'm talking to someone and I'm starting to have feelings for her. I just want her to feel that she's losing me because right now I don't think she even knows what she wants. I do hope that she figures out what she really wants because I feel like I can't take this anymore and want to move on and just give up on her for good.

Both of you need to stop playing games with each other. There are kids in this, not just the two of you.
Stop telling her things you don't mean just to make her mad, then get upset when she gets mad.
It would be nice if you two could sit down with an impartial party and air out the lies, get an understanding about what it is you're fighting about.
How long ago was the last baby born? Her hormones may be out of balance.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Both of you need to stop playing games with each other. There are kids in this, not just the two of you.
Stop telling her things you don't mean just to make her mad, then get upset when she gets mad.
It would be nice if you two could sit down with an impartial party and air out the lies, get an understanding about what it is you're fighting about.
How long ago was the last baby born? Her hormones may be out of balance.

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I try to talk right to her, but then she gets upset, starts crying and yells at me all the things that I put her through. I just don't want to hurt her anymore that's why I decided to let her be, but even like that she won't stop calling me. There's always something, for example one night she called me to ask me if I can stay with her for a few hours because she doesn't want to be alone while her cousin is at work. Or she'll ask me if I can take her to my mom's house. I do it to be kind to her because I love her, but no matter how hard I try she always finds a reason to argue with me. She had our daughter the first days of April. Now that you mentioned it, she did start to get a bit frustrated, sensitive and insecure after giving birth to our 2nd child. I just don't know what to do anymore but give the situation time to see how it turns out. I also don't want to make her think that I don't love her, because her sisters told me that's what she thinks.

It sounds like there's a lot going on, possibly even postpartum depression.

You need to stop adding fuel to the fire with your own game playing, and possibly consider beachloverjohn's advice of seeking counseling for each of you. Suggest this to her.

Your hormones can make you a bit crazy after a baby. You don't know what you're doing or saying half the time.
I think you two should do some counseling. Two kids and 20 years old can be a strain on a couple.
Is there an impartial adult you two can get together with? A pastor at your church?
Communication is something you two really need to be doing.

I don't think she would agree to counseling right now. There's just too much going on and it's not just us. The cousin that she is staying with is actually working on getting us separated for good. Let's just say that if there was ever a story written on what's happening with us, her cousin would be the villain. It hurts me so much that she would tell me she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and that I can find someone better than her. I actually have half a mind to just call it quits and move on because I'm only hurting her and myself more when we talk. If she doesn't agree to counseling, what else can I do? I know she won't, and even if she did, her cousin would talk her out of it. When she broke up with me she asked me, "What if I realize later on that I made a mistake?" I told her that we all make mistakes and have the right to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I also told her to just follow her heart. I was very, very sweet, caring and understanding when she broke up with me because I know I caused all of this. But for now I'm just keeping myself busy with other things while she figures out what she really wants.

You don't know for sure that she would say no. Ask her. You two have kids. If you love each other, fight to keep it together.

Do whatever it takes to keep your family together. I think you both
Love each other and you need to try.

I'm just too scared to hear those ugly words again "I don't love you anymore." It breaks my heart to hear those words. She might be telling me the truth when she tells me that and I would rather avoid that. I want to fight for my family, but I just don't know where to start because every conversation we had never ended well, and it's not me. Maybe I should give this a little more time until she can vent all her anger towards me. I want to talk to her about us, but until she calms down and we can sit down and have a civilized conversation.

She's been calling under a private number, well at least I think it's her since I don't answer her phone calls. I'm not being mean and not answering her calls. I just want for us to have distance from each other without hearing each other's voice. I go crazy when I hear her voice and I want to tell her that I miss her and how much I love her, but I don't think it's the right time. It's been 6 weeks since we've been separated. I know it's not the right time because the exact situation happened to my brother, to my sister and to her sister as well. What I noticed from this is that it takes about 90 days for everything to air out before there's any reconciliation. Now their relationships are much stronger. I guess things have to get worst before they get better. I think what we really need right now is time. Hopefully she realizes that she wants to be with me. I just want my family back and I want to do everything right from now on.

Haven't spoken to her in 6 weeks? What about your kids?
You two need to be talking not hiding from her.

I meant we've been separated for 6 weeks. We haven't spoken for 2 weeks because I don't want to answer her. It's only going to lead to more arguing which I'm trying to avoid. I still see my kids I just tell her that I don't want to see her when I go see them. I bring my son with me whenever I can, but she won't let me take the baby because she's scared I might not be able to take care of her. I take care of my kids. I buy them everything they need; clothes, diapers, toys, etc. I also give her money because she doesn't work. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I could really use some good advice on what to do, considering the circumstances. If I talk to her, she'll start arguing with me and then she'll start throwing all kinds of ugly words at me, even if I talk to her right. She seems happy when she sees me at first, but then all of a sudden she looks at me with hatred in her eyes. The worst thing is, she really believes that I had someone else while I was with her but it's not true. 2 Mondays ago we were txting. She text me, "Don't act like you weren't with her when you were with me." Then, "Just accept that you played me." I understand where this is coming from because she read some text messages on my phone. I was txting with one of my female friends who I've known way before I met my ex. But my friend was txting things like "come over here I'm alone", "I'm playing with myself". I was ignoring those text messages but I didn't erase them, maybe I should have. I'm such a dumbutt lol. How can I convince her that I never cheated on her? I couldn't live with myself if I ever cheated on her, but she doesn't believe me. I really need help because I don't know what to do anymore!

Personally I think your doing the best you can with your situation and think you should keep doing it the way you have until the emotional dust settles and MAYBE then you can talk as adults.

I think you serve yourself well by continuing on the path you have decided for yourself, as time will tell what needs to be done next. I think you will know when she is ready to talk AND listen, and NOT just argue.

Not deleting dumb texts was rather foolish.

Thank you talaniman. I was hoping to hear that I'm on the right path. I don't want to pressure her on giving me another chance because I tried that already and she becomes an emotional wreck when I do. I don't want to push her away more than I already have. I know it's foolish to not delete such messages like those. I'm thinking if I was more careful none of this would've happened, and now I have learned that the hard way =/. Am I doing the right thing by not answering her phone calls? If my kids need something she will let my mom know, so there's no reason for her to call me unless it has something to do with my kids.

As long as you're seeing your kids you're doing your best. Those dumb texts would set off any woman especially after just having a baby and hormones all out of whack. Hopefully the dust will settle soon and you two will be able to talk.
I wish you well.

Without knowing her it's hard to say if you should answer when she calls. This could be her way of reaching out. She obviously still cares. Talk to her but when she starts going off tell her it's time to go. While you have her on the phone, suggest you two do some counselling. That would help you muddle through all of this in a controlled setting.

Ok maybe I should answer her but keep the conversation brief and let her know how I feel? When I see my kids she's there and tries to talk to me, but I ignore her. Is this right? Or should I talk to her. I'm just scared of another fight because I don't want for this to get worse.

You talk to her be cordial when she starts to get nasty cut it off. Tell her you'd like to sit down and talk to her but only if it's civil. Tell her you'd like to do some counseling.
Don't ignore her and don't be rude, but just tell her you won't argue with her.

2 weeks ago when I had my son over with me she came to pick him up the next day. I asked her if I can talk to her because there was so many things that I wanted to tell her. She seemed calm when I asked her and she agreed. So we set the date for a Thursday. I went over there to drop off some diapers on that Thursday, but I decided it was best we didn't talk because I thought it was too soon. So as I was walking out the door she stopped me and asked me, "I thought we were going to talk". I replied, "Well I think it's a bad idea. We can do it some other time." So I was walking out the door again and she stopped me again and insisted that we talked. At the moment I thought to myself that maybe she is ready to talk like adults. But I was wrong. Our conversation started well, but then came the tears, anger, and thoughts of suicide. She started telling me that she's going to leave for a long time and to enjoy the time that I have left with my kids. So she told me to leave and I'm thinking, "What the hell, I thought she was ready to talk." So I left politely and shared a few tears with her and told her that I will always love her. I took my son with me that day too. That is why I don't want to ask her to talk. Maybe it's best for her to take the initiative whenever she REALLY is ready to talk, don't you think? Only then I will know that she is ready to talk and let everything else fall into place. At least that's what I think is the best thing I can do for now, just wait to see if she tells me one day that she wants to talk to me.

Yeah, when she wants to talk to you, talk but still suggest you do some counseling.

Ok. Thank you for all your support. Only time will tell what will happen. I will keep this post updated if something new comes up. Supposedly she is leaving this Friday, or at least that's what she told my mom to let me know. I hope it's not true. If she does leave then she really doesn't love me like she says..

You know guy, the biggest part of communications is paying attention, and just listening. Sure its hard not to reply, defend yourself, or fix things, but to be a good listener, and gain insights into the heart and soul of another, you have to stay calm, cool, collected, and shut up.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


"You know guy, the biggest part of communications is paying attention, and just listening. Sure its hard not to reply, defend yourself, or fix things, but to be a good listener, and gain insights into the heart and soul of another, you have to stay calm, cool, collected, and shut up."

Top notch advice. Listen!

I will do that if she ever decides to talk one day. If she does decide, that means that she has a lot to say to me and hopefully she will finally open up and express all the things that went wrong in our relationship. I will listen and listen until she has finished everything that she has to say. Then I will let her know how I feel and like everyone else suggests, ask her to take up counseling and I already know the right place where we can go. I am willing and wanting to do anything that will help us, but she has to put in her part too as well because it takes two to take such action.

Sounds like she is talking, she's yelling but she's talking. Just listen to what she is saying.
She is hurt and we don't always make sense when we're hurt. So listen to her.
Remember this happened because you didn't think to delete some tacky text that you should not have been getting to begin with.

I'll keep that in mind. Thank you. Although we haven't spoken or seen each other for two weeks, we will eventually. If she does leave this Friday, then she will come to me to let me say good-bye to my kids, if that really is her intention. All I can say to her is good luck with whatever it is she needs to do. But I know she will start talking about us. I have this strange feeling that she is putting my love for her to the test by telling me she is leaving. Maybe she is wanting for me to tell her not to leave or just that she really is decided on leaving. Who knows..

Keep it simple stupid is what a sponsor told me to do after I ranted and raved and asks him what I should do about my problems.

Listen to her, and ask her what you can do to have her forgive you, then shut the "F" up, and do what she says.

That's as simple as it gets, but the shut up part is the hardest.

If you think she wants you to ask her not to leave, ask her. Now is not the time to play games.
Let her rant. She'll clam down eventually.

If you really want her back you have to accept what she is saying.. Yeah you didn't cheat but she believes you did and this is why she is acting the way she is.. I think she still loves you and it does seem she may be testing how much you love her by this whole 'i'm leaving' thing.

If you want her back you got to lay it all out there when she comes to see you. This is your chance! Don't let your ego or anything else stand in the way..

Thank you all. I feel like a have a family here. I talk to my mom about what's going on too and she gives me similar feedback that I get here. All I know is that I do love her and I want to fight to keep my family together, because I never been so happy in my life until she came along. She called me yesterday and I answered this time like Homegirl50 suggested. She asked me if I can take her some stuff for my kids and I told her that I will be taking it today. She also wants me to stick around to be with the kids and I said of course anything for my kids. She sounded calm when we were talking and she even said thank you, which I haven't heard from her since we separated. I think the space and distance really is working because she sounded very calm, unlike the other times when she would sound upset. I'll just leave her be when I go over and not talk about us until she is ready.

That looks promising.
You will have good days and some bad ones still but it is my hope you
Two work this out.
I wish you well.

Thank you. I do hope we can work this out, maybe it's a little soon right now but sometime in the near future when everything feels right and her mind and doubts are cleared. All I want to do is show her that I'm there for her and my kids, because she thinks that I don't care even though I've proven myself. I know she is still hurt because her cousin tells me that she cries to her about me 'cheating on her'. There's just no way I can prove to her that I haven't done such a thing. Should I just accept something that is false? I'm thinking about just saying yes I cheated on you can you forgive me but not so sure if that's a good idea =/.

Don't admit to doing something you didn't do. Then you have to lie to keep a lie going. You tell her you're sorry you were silly enough to have left those texts, you're sorry for the pain you have caused and that you love her and want her to forgive you. That is all you can do. Time will take care of the rest.

She doesn't believe me when I tell her that I never cheated. I don't even want to touch the subject anymore and hopefully with time she will realize that I could never do such a thing or give me a chance to explain myself. Last time I tried she cried and started screaming saying she doesn't want to talk about it and told me to get the 'f' out of here. I wish I knew what's going on in her mind that way I would have a definite answer on the next step I should take. But it's my job to figure it out, no one said a relationship is easy and pain free.

I generally leave fools to believe what ever they want, and if they don't want to listen, screw 'em. She may be hurt and angry, but call it what it is, carried away by emotions, so don't mention it ever again, and if SHE keeps revisiting it as a fact, then walk away because it may take YEARS for her to stop playing victim.

Never lie, when you are innocent, they have to deal with the truth, the facts, and the rest is up to them. The best you can do is acknowledge her feelings, and understand them, even if they can't be fixed, or changed. Giving in to her FEARS, may seem like the easy way out, but its NOT!

That makes a lot of sense Talaniman. What can I do right? And that's exactly what it is, her worst fear is haunting her right now even though it's just an illusion. I don't plan on touching the subject ever again and I hope she doesn't either. I just came back from dropping off some money. She was calm but looked confused. She didn't look me in the eyes when she was talking to me and I was being sweet to her not mentioning anything about us. I just left with a humble "I'll see you later". Tomorrow is supposed to be the day she leaves, but I didn't see anything packed and she didn't mention anything about leaving. What's really going on here? She's been telling me that she is leaving for the past 3 weeks. I don't know what to make of it.