Hello there!
I'm texting with a hope that my problem is resolved. My fiancé lives in another city about 1000 km away from mine. She is my cousin and about 10 months ago we were engaged. After our engagement I have been feeling that my fiancé does not want to communicate with me. At start I felt she is a bit shy but later I realized that she ignores me. I told her openly that we should develop understanding and should frequently talk about our future. She started communication but with a gesture of cold shoulder. Later one day she texted this to me: " what do u want to know abt me? don't take me serious for the time being. i don't wan to hurt you so plzz..."
I don't know what that text means. I can't understand what politics is cooking inside her mind. I asked her in very start if she doesn't want me, tell me. She said " i better start thinking about u now". Now this rude tone from her has made me confused. I'm silent. Help me out, as how to react

adzilla, are you in India? Is this an arranged engagement/marriage? I suspect the answer to both questions is yes. Right now, we here are in the same boat as you are in. We can only guess what she is feeling & thinking because no one knows what is going on in someone else's mind. So, here are some things for you to think about:

If this was arranged by both sets of parents, even though you told her to let you know if she doesn't want you, her parents might have pushed her to accept your offer.

Right now, you live far away and you are a stranger to her. She may just need some time to get used to the idea of marriage to you. Maybe you are moving too fast with all your talk about future plans and it is scaring her? Can you slow down your excitement and start trying to build a friendship with her first? Ask her if she is well, ask what her interests in life are, what she does with her friends, if she has any hobbies,. You need to find a way to start reassuring her that you are a nice guy and will treat her with love and respect. If you can get her to start sharing her ideas with you, you might find her more receptive later on to talking to you about
Your future together.

Thanks for your concern and advise. I strongly agree with your points. In fact I myself adopted this scheme earlier when I stopped texting her and gave her time. I feel the same thing that her parents might have pushed her. Your points made me remember how her mother loves me and wants me as her son. Now when I asked her in polite tone if she has been pushed into a decision in favour of me, she replied she respects what her parents feel for her future. And then she said she doesnot want anyone to be hurt. Once she said my parents must have tought deeply in it and their decision in favour of you musy have been a wise decision. I feel you are right and I now agree she is a bit nervous.
p.s I want to add one thing more. Her mother chose among two proposals. One from my mom and one from my mom's younger sister for her son who lives in the same city as her's. I asked my fiancé once if she feels she would be better and happy with him then tell me. I would take it on my shouilders to break this engagement and no one would come to know that she likes that other guy. My fiancé said I will go with why parents decision. I feel she is too much intimidated by my wealth, as I belong to a rich family. Lets see what comes out of the sack. For the time being I'm silent and not making any further contact with her.

adzilla, you sound like a very nice and thoughtful man. I am sure you will make her a very good husband.

Yes, for the time being, leave her alone. Then, do as I suggest. Keep the conversation light, don't make any demands on her. Ask her how her health is, ask her what her interests are, show that you care about what is on her mind and that you are interested in what she has to say. Start building a friendship with her. She needs to feel comfortable with you and to feel that she can trust you. If you handle this situation with compassion as I believe you are capable of, she will begin to trust you and eventually fall in love with you. I don't know how else to put this and I hope the language isn't a barrier here, but take the time to make love to her brain. Do you understand what I am saying? I hope so. You appear to be highly educated and very fluent in English.

This is a sheer help and right what I was asking for. I hope get a fruitful response when I adopt these guidelines. Yes I am highly educated and a proud son of a very humble parents. I wish you goodluck and thank you for your support. Its always betetr to make love to the brain of the lady who is a bit nervous. I would love to stay in contact with you in future. Goodnight

You have a good night too. I truly wish you the best of luck.

In the future, all you have to do is return to this web site and post your question. :)

In America we pick our own mates, (most of the time), but you have to realize her fear of the future, and the fact as JAL pointed out, she doesn't know you. That is something you have control over by letting her see you as you are, and being at least comfortable, and not controlled.

Maybe she will fall in love, maybe she won't, but its better if you befriend her gently so you both know if there is a chance for love and romance in the future.

I do applaud your willingness to let her go if she doesn't want to marry you though. That's a first class decision on your part.

Dear talanimam!
I am deeply impressed by your words. Its good to see a senior family & people expert guide me towards better decision making. I have spent a life where I took girls non seriously. I admit I tried to be more control winning rather than being a comfortable. Now it's a matter of my future life and the girl is not my girl friend. I in fact don't know anything about her. So I need to be causious and serious this time. JAL and you are in a better state of mind to understand how do I feel about her. Keep guiding me as I'm about to apply what you people told me. The result? Well you people will be the first to know

Hi, I posted a question a few weeks back when I said my fiancé wants me not to take her seriously. The question was addressed so wonderfully by people. I need another help now.
Ever since I did what I was told to do by people here, I started a good tunned life with her. Now recently she uttered something that made me think about our engagement future.
She said she doesn't want to communicate with me as she is sooooo confused and nervous. Even when we haven't discussed anything about our marriage yet, she still shows herself as a very shy girl. I don't know if a girl would be shy if a guy who is her future husband stays contained and asks only about her likings, dislikings, her siblings, her parents, her job, her education only. My mind started jolting when one day she said this
"logo k to nikkah toot jatey hain ye to sirf mangni hay" (people even end their marriage, so what's the status of an engagement".) then one day she said " our engagement is not that open and declared. So that's y she doesn't want to talk to me". i said lets get it done and tell every single relative of ours abt it then. she said i wana share my thoughts and my love with only the person i would become a bride for.
this has made me sit down and think twice. am i wrong somewhere? or am i being played. help me out people, as i think this heavenly relation is abt to end. i endup with these words "its easier to be a flert and develop wrong relations with girls now a days, but it's a tough deal to be honest and to develop a neat relation with a girl I guess"

Anticipating support
adzilla :(

It sounds to me like there is something not right going on.

Or a more blunt way to put it; I think she is playing you like a fisherman does a fish.

I am glad that love has not blinded you to the point of missing these flags. Many many do, and pay a high price for doing it.

Proceed with caution my friend, if you choose to proceed at all.

I wish you well

thanks for your concern and advise. I value the words of experienced people a lot. My fiancé might be playing with mee but soon she is going to realize she is playing with her good future. Today she openly said she has a 100% willingness in this relation. Time to time she tries to provoke me so that I burst up and then she can cash that opportunity. I'm causious because I care for our relations. Otherwise there are plenty of girls waiting in queue. They always are.

No more "textspeak" here please. "Abt,cuz,y..." It's against the rules and terms of service.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

No more "textspeak" here please. "Abt,cuz,y..." It's against the rules and terms of service.

---

First of all when I read what you called your fiancé, it made me realize you are not being very gracious to her if you call her stupid. Try to respect her and remember , "stupid is as stupid does". I've called people that before and I found myself being called down. Not a nice word for someone you love.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adzilla

thanx for your concern and advise. i value the words of experienced people alot. my fiance might be playing with mee but soon she is gona realize she is playing with her good future. today she openly said she has a 100% willingness in this relation. time to time she tries to provoke me so that i burst up and then she can cash that opportunity. i m causious bcz i care for our relations. otherwise there are plenty of girls waiting in queue. they always are.

---

Oh, so the ladies are just lined up to be with you? You wouldn't think that a "girl magnet" like yourself would be having problems.

It must be because you call them "stupid".

"Queue" I wonder...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Oh, so the ladies are just lined up to be with you? You wouldn't think that a "girl magnet" like yourself would be having problems.

It must be because you call them "stupid".

"Queue" I wonder....

---

I'm sure you wow them with your intellect. If you continue the way you are acting, she'll find someone else.

Hello Adzilla,

If the women are lined up waiting for you, then perhaps you should leave your "Stupid fiance" and be with one of them.

... just saying

I am not getting the impression that your girlfriend is taking you seriously, because I don't hear you saying you are planning to marry her. You sound more like you are assuming that you will marry her, but no hard and fast promise to her.

If you were to present her with an engagement ring, and ask her over a nice romantic dinner if she would marry you- and assuming she said yes- then you would know where she stands, and the engagement would be official.

Have you actually proposed to her? Or are you stringing her along.

Did I read right? Did you actually call her STUPID? Really?

I hope she decides not to go through with this marriage if that's how you are going to treat her behind her back.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adzilla

otherwise there are plenty of girls waiting in queue. they always are.

---

Are you always this conceited? You are such a good catch? Would you call these other girls stupid as well?

To Joseoh, Kit, and J9!

Dear three of you! My relationship with her was based on purity. The girl is clearly hanging me in the queue she has put up for herself. Right 2 days back she told me she has few good alternate proposals. Now would any one tell me if a girl is engaged and she still is looking for an alternate, isn't this a stupid approach? And about the girls waiting for me? Well actually there are three other girls who deserve more than my current fiancé. My parents had thought about them a good time ago. We agreed for my current fiancé because in our part of the world WELL OFF people don't give you their duaghter if you refuse to get dovery (Jahaiz we call it) and lower class people can't give you their daughter because they get intimidated as they can't afford dovery. I chose my current fiancé (MEHREEN) bacause she is my cousin. I had absolutely no idea that I would have to hear those words "people have their marriages ended up, its just an engagement.". None of the three judges I'm quoting here had a word about this stupid sentence of my fiancé. I'm not a bad guy but your comments prove me to be a very very bad guy. And I feel you three are taking her side in protesting against my word stupid for her. I agree with enigma though. Please help me out whether I should end this engagement or carry on with it. I appreciate your concerns but right now I need advise not taunts

Plus I feel one thing here. This forum has advisors, both males and females. The females are all taking side of my fiancé ignoring the facts that I mentioned in my two questions. How would you measure the fiancé of mine after reading my texts? Attacking me? Just because her attitude has made me think twice on such a relation that was based on purity. Ladies I'm not trying to bed her, I'm trying to fix her, as she is totally confused

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adzilla

plus i feel one thing here. this forum has advisors, both males and females. the females are all taking side of my fiance ignoring the facts that i mentioned in my two questions. how would u measure the fiance of mine after reading my texts? attacking me? just because her attitude has made me think twice on such a relation that was based on purity. ladies i m not trying to bed her, i m trying to fix her, as she is totaly confused

---

Hello again,

First off, pease read the rules for AMHD before giving out reddies.

Second, When your title has the word stupid in it calling her stupid, that shows signs of immaturity.

If you want to be taken seriously in here, then act serious.


She doesn't need to be fixed. If you aren't happy with her, the simply leave her, but donot try to fix someone. That's not what a relationship is all about.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adzilla

to Joseoh, Kit, and J9!

dear three of you! my relationship with her was based on purity. the girl is clearly hanging me in the queue she has put up for herself. right 2 days back she told me she has few good alternate proposals. now would any one tell me if a girl is engaged and she still is looking for an alternate, isnt this a stupid approach? and abt the girls waiting for me? well actualy there are three other girls who deserve more than my current fiance. my parents had thought about them a good time ago. we agreed for my current fiance because in our part of the world WELL OFF people don't give you their duaghter if u refuse to get dovery (Jahaiz we call it) and lower class people can't give you their daughter because they get intimidated as they can't afford dovery. i chose my current fiance (MEHREEN) bacause she is my cousin. i had absolutely no idea that i would have to hear those words "people have their marriages ended up, its just an engagement.". none of the three judges i m quoting here had a word about this stupid sentence of my fiance. i m not a bad guy but your comments prove me to be a very very bad guy. and i feel you three are taking her side in protesting against my word stupid for her. i agree with enigma though. *** help me out whether i should end this engagement or carry on with it. i appreciate your concerns but right now i need advise not taunts

---

This post answered my question. This is an arranged marriage and not a love match. It sounds to me like she is unhappy with the match and wants you to call it off because she doesn't feel like she can. You are expecting her to act like a love-sick girl when she isn't and I don't think you love her either.

If you both are unhappy, end it. Either that or sit down with someone outside of either part of the family (preferably a relationship counselor) and discuss the issues. Stop working against each other and start working together.

Please explain what you mean by your title: my stupid fiancé is a politician.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adzilla

to Joseoh, Kit, and J9!

dear three of you! my relationship with her was based on purity. the girl is clearly hanging me in the queue she has put up for herself. right 2 days back she told me she has few good alternate proposals. now would any one tell me if a girl is engaged and she still is looking for an alternate, isnt this a stupid approach? and abt the girls waiting for me? well actualy there are three other girls who deserve more than my current fiance. my parents had thought about them a good time ago. we agreed for my current fiance because in our part of the world WELL OFF people don't give you their duaghter if u refuse to get dovery (Jahaiz we call it) and lower class people can't give you their daughter because they get intimidated as they can't afford dovery. i chose my current fiance (MEHREEN) bacause she is my cousin. i had absolutely no idea that i would have to hear those words "people have their marriages ended up, its just an engagement.". none of the three judges i m quoting here had a word about this stupid sentence of my fiance. i m not a bad guy but your comments prove me to be a very very bad guy. and i feel you three are taking her side in protesting against my word stupid for her. i agree with enigma though. *** help me out whether i should end this engagement or carry on with it. i appreciate your concerns but right now i need advise not taunts

---

Due to this new information ,
I need to change a few things that I posted earlier.

I don't think she is playing you.
I think it is more likely she doesn't like you.
But feels she has to go through with the arrangement .

I understand you have different customs and I
Don't really understand much about it.

And you may not be a bad guy , but here
When a man calls his fiancé stupid , he is usually
Considered a bad guy because it is rude, and
Uncalled for to call anyone names.

And if you call her names and treat her badly,
Why would she want to marry you?

It seems to me that neither one of you
Really want to do this.
I recommend you don't.
,

Please do not use chat speak. It is against site rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...#faq_faq_rules

Quote:

---

Use the best English you are capable of. "Chat speak", all caps, lack of punctuation, etc. can be annoying, and will frequently result in the post being either unanswered or removed.

---

Please review the rules for use of the agree/disagree feature:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

This post was done before I understood the entire situation and it is not correct.
This is an arrangement between families for these two to marry.

Hey slick, I just quoted YOUR OWN words. If this is an arranged marriage, then no wonder she has cold feet. She probably feels cheated, like she lost the "raffle of life partners".

Oh well, pull from the queue.

Or start your own "Harem".. just saying.:rolleyes:

We need an "Arranged marriages in India" forum.

Quote:

---

adzilla disagrees : Behind her back? Do I have to bring her up here? It's a discussion forum to discuss family and personal matters. Are you advising me??

---

Yes, I'm advising you. I'm advising you to stop being so conceited that you think you are all that. She might just learn to like you.

And we want to hear about your relationship and how to solve it.

We don't want to hear about all the women beating down your door and throwing themsellves at you begging for your attention.

So talk about your ex and you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by adzilla

plus i feel one thing here. this forum has advisors, both males and females. the females are all taking side of my fiance ignoring the facts that i mentioned in my two questions. how would u measure the fiance of mine after reading my texts? attacking me? just because her attitude has made me think twice on such a relation that was based on purity. ladies i m not trying to bed her, i m trying to fix her, as she is totaly confused

---

The last time my wife checked, I was a man, so let's get that straight up front. And I'm not "attacking" you. If you come on this site, and call your fiancé a "stupid politician", and then say that there has "always been a queue" of ladies from which to draw from, then you're going to get held to task. From where I sit you sound like a tool who doesn't have a clue of the opposite sex.

Women are truly beautiful creatures. In my opinion, God's greatest creation, from head to toe. You cannot change them, or try to figure them out. What you can do is this, respect them, and love them the way that they are. If you're having trouble trying to make a girl like you, or be how you want her to be, then you'd be better off rowing a boat with a piece of rope, upstream.

Maybe you should talk to some wise man from your own culture. Find one with a wife, and one who has a smile on his face, and pick his brain for the answers that you seek.

You get what you give.

Seems your lady has other choices besides you, and her mom with be the one to chose so you can always bow out gracefully and seek a better situation and a love partner instead of going with the local custom. That's probably what I would do.

That's better than the unrealistic, skewed perspective you have now.

There are different pressures, and expectations, many imposed at birth, on the future wife/husband that will be chosen for babies born in India. It isn't as simple as choosing an arranged marriage, over a so-called love marriage.

We have had many, many posts over the tremendous pressure both women and men go through to agree to arranged marriages. Many of these people are well educated, well travelled, and know the ways of the world and other cultures, but are not truly free to decide their futures as far as a husband/wife goes.

I think we should be a little more sympathetic of those cultures that dictate social norms and expectations, that have gone on for thousands of years. We are not seeped in it, live it, or understand it. It is what it is, and who are we to judge.

Much of what I read of the OP's posts, seem to be one foot in the old world, and one foot in the new. He can kick up as much fuss as he wants to, but he is still heavily influenced by centuries of custom that will shape his view, no matter what he says, or how he comes across; and that includes women, women's roles, expectations, and arrangements between families.

I agree, that perhaps there should be a place within AMHD, where these problems associated with arranged marriages can better be addressed.

adzilla, I am sorry I haven't had the time to visit this web site over the past few days and continue with our discussion.

I completely understand what you are saying. Please understand that customs are different in the Western world. People here are upset with you over the words you are using to express your frustration with your fiancé. We are very sensitive to someone using what we view as terrible words to describe a person they are supposed to be in love with. Because most of us here have never encountered arranged marriages, we don't understand they aren't usually about love matches. We don't have the same expectations from our children that Eastern cultures do. Here, a family's success, pride, hope, and wealth is NOT dependent upon the sons in the family as it is in India. Most of us don't treat our sons and daughters differently here. The son's worth is not more than the daughter's. That is a very important distinction between our two cultures. So, I hope you understand.

I do understand what you are stating here about dovery. We call it a dowry here and it doesn't carry any importance anymore. Most of the younger people don't even know what it is. That custom has fallen completely out of use in the U.S.A. for at least a century with the people who have been born and raised here.

Reading about your current problem, it sounds as if the engagement hasn't actually been formally announced.? I certainly hope that is the case because it will make what I am about to suggest to you much easier for you. I am very much inclined to encourage you to speak with your parents about breaking this off with your cousin. Based upon what you have written, I am not completely certain whether she wants this marriage or not. However, you do need to think in terms of the fact that if you are having major communication problems with each other now, what will happen in the future? Courtship is supposed to be the fun and easy time in a relationship. Marriage, staying married and happy, is the hard part. Once we are married we have to constantly work on our relationship to ensure that we, as a couple, are united in our goals and expectations, among many other things. Right now, it sounds as if you and your fiancé are not mentally compatible and I fear it may only grow worse over time. Better to break it off now than live with a lifetime of regrets. My opinion is this: I think you need to find someone whose thought processes and outlook on life are in line with yours.

Hi all
Its me adzilla again. I had been in contact with people here. I had issues with my fiancé that clearly depicted that she doesn't take our relation seriously. Now in her latest act, sh told me to mind my language when I called her MY LOVE. Ever since our engagement she has been pumping me that she can't talk to me and that I shouldn't take her serious. Then often she declared that its just a relation that can easily break as people now a days lose their marriages even. Now that she wants me to mind my language if I show her affection and love, its becoming apparent that she is dragging both of us. I have removed her from my Facebook and messenger. I don't know what's going to happen next but I think she is acting weird and her heart is not sincere in this relation.
Anticipating help
adzilla

Then you don't recognize someone who is playing games with you. If she is, she is not serious any longer, so why do you still call her your fiancé ?

She isn't acting weird, she doesn't really want to marry you because you are a stranger in her life, and she is just going along with her family, because marriage to you is what they want.

If you cannot form a connection with this female, why are you still there? To please your own family of course, because they want you to marry her.

adzilla, I think this comes down to your expectations and feelings not being the same.

How do you feel about her?

Why are you marrying her?

What are your expectations for the engagement?

What are your expectations for the marriage?

Have you asked her why she is marrying you? If so, what did she say?

Be glad she doesn't know you called her stupid - and not sure why, a politician too.

She is acting in passive-aggressive manner as it is obvious she doesn't want to marry you - for whatever reason - but doesn't dare to challenge her family openly.

So she tries to make you break it off with her so it won't be her fault and her family won't blame her. Please do her and yourself a huge favor and end this circus - unless you feel like pushing yourself onto unwilling female is a great start to a long term happy marriage.

I absolutely love you for that ensightful reply, jm. You reply so much from the heart of your true nature. Your wife is a lucky person.