Hi, well, I have been seeing this guy very cute, lovely and mature recently- about two months and I had a great time with him, now it's the time to make up my mind and see if this relatioship is worth to work on it. Well besides all of the things I like about him, one thing is really bothering me and that is he is really stingy for himself, even though he pay my dinner, but because he doesn't like to spend money we can't go any where excpet free parties. He is making good money but oh god he even doesn't take a taxi or metro to my home and he rather bike it, just because he don't want to spend money. He is 35 already with stable job but he is paying less for his apartment than me...
Do you think I can change him? I mean his cheap life style and the way he treat money? If not do you think this is going to be a big issue in future for me?

THANKS

I would say positively latch on to this guy, gigily. His money issue is commendable as far as I am concerned. Would you rather have money in the bank or be in debt ? Embrace his lifestyle, it sounds a lot healthier.

Tick

I perfer to say I'm economic more then stingy!

I work hard for my money,and want value for it.

I would think like tink better to have money in the bank then blown away.

you could always both save for a special occasion,a holiday or weekend away.

sharing the load is all part and parcel of relationships.

its only a problem if it's a major concern for you.

if other wise he's a decent guy and you think you would like to pursue a relationship with him,at least you know his financial bounderies.

I am surprised by your both positive answers. I was just so concerned that may be he is cheap and I would have problem later if I get more involved with him and yes, that's the only thing I am concerned now, but I wonder why he doesn't have his own place in the age of 35 with this life style! Thanks a lot for the asweres.

That's a good question.

Maybe there are reasons your not privy too yet,but the only way too find out is ask him.

He may have suffered financial hardships in the past or in his youth and is now determined not to put himself in that position.

Have your own income and stand independent of him,I'm sure you already are,but for the future also.

But anyhow is n't it a bad sign when a 35 years old man hasn't owe his own place yet? Or may be I am too much rigid, because I used to think about future and plan eveything.
Or lets say with the personality that I have can I be with someone who hasn't settled down his life is this age.
Thanks for the answeres.

I see someone taking care of their money well as a good thing. Many people nowadays going into their 40s don't want to tie themselves down with a mortgage, especially in the economy in the US. I mean look at all the houses and properties going into foreclosure. You don't retrieve your equity when you lose your house. I think he is commendable, although I don't know him, I know the principle probably of what he is accomplishing. We all need to plan for the future when we retire. Maybe he is making sure he is well situationed in his old age.

Tick

Or maybe he is paying off big gambling debts, or a huge tax bill from a failed business, or maybe child support and alimony is taking a lot out of his check, and he just doesn't have a lot of extra cash right now...

You'll probably need to have a talk with him. Don't give in to the urge to snoop, even if you do notice his paystubs, or bank statement mail laying about...

However, having your own independent income is good too...

What percentage of your income do you save? Or do you know the locations of every Macy's in a three county area like my girlfriend (thankfully, she seems to have kicked the macy's habit... )?

It's good to make sure the money issue clicks between you two, that can be a big cause of marital distress, or even dating distress if you have big differences of opinions about what kind of furniture or cars to buy, or whether your money can be in separate accounts, or must all be in joint accounts.

But also consider its only been a couple of months together. Just go slow and enjoy the time, maybe he would go dutch with you on some more expensive parties?

Yes it is so true. I am a big spender and as a girl I always had my parent's support, AND YES I LOVE MACY and any women store like this:D but thanks a lot. I think I am the one that need to change or else I will be screwed up soon. I like to contunie this discussion when I get the reality behind my guess and your guesses. Thanks. It was very helpful.

The others have given you a more sympathetic point of view, I'm going with the harsher view to balance things out.

Who knows if he will change his habits in the future. It's anyone's guess, even his. The point is, he's stingy now. The question is, can you accept that? If you plan to change him, then you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. If you get too caught up with changing him, then you don't really like him. You actually wished that he was someone else. If he's not the man for you right now, then this relationship will end sooner or later.

@I wish: yes, you are right and that's why I am asking my question here, just to see if others find his attitute stingy as well. I guess I need more time to figure it out first how is he, second if I can accept him as he is. Then I can go a head with my relationship. But its great to have all these different point of views. I appreciate it a lot.

Well gigily you certainly have an inquiring mind. He would do well to have you around.

Tick

He is who he is. I presume he does not see himself as stingy.
Maybe he has debts he is paying down, maybe he is saving for a home.
If your spending style is so different from his, you two may not be a match.
His "stinginess" bothers you enough that you ask about it so it maybe something you can't get past.
Maybe he is not stingy at all, maybe he just spends his money on what is important to him.

Well, no I guess he admitted himself that he is stingy sometimes, that's what he told me before. Well I think now I just need to spend more time with him to see how we are.

@Tick thanks a lot, it's very kind of you giving this compliment to me from just my questions. I hope things goes well...

I doubt you ever change him, and I doubt you know him that well after only a few months. That should be the fun part, getting to know each other.

Relax, and find your answers to your questions, from him. If you don't like where he takes you, or how, tell him.

You say he is 35, and lives at home? How old are you? Just curious, since I think you said your parents support you.

I am 27.

He is taking care of himself. Not spending more money than he has.
He has a job and is doing what he wants to do with his money. He may be stingy but he's paying the cost to be the boss.

I'm going to address this by telling you a story.

I have a friend, I've known her for around 5 years now. When we first met she and her boyfriend had been together for around 5 years, had a child together, but had yet to get married.

They had separate accounts, and paid for separate things in their home. They had a house, a mortgage, but they split everything down the middle. It had worked for them for the 5 years they had been together.

Then she got pregnant with their second child. When the child was born she wanted to stay home for the year that is allowed, collect her maternity leave (around 65% of her income) and be a mom for a while.

Well her maternity income didn't cover her half of things. She decided to get rid of a few of the things she had purchased with her money, her SUV ($35,000 loan, with monthly payments) her trailer ($29,000 loan, monthly payments) and buy a cheaper vehicle, one she could afford on her income.

He protested. He liked having the SUV and trailer. When she told him that he'd have to pay the payments until she went back to work, he told her it was her responsibility, but he didn't want her selling them. He makes 4 times more than she does.

I remember one day she called me, asked if we could get together. I said sure, come on over. Her response "I can't afford gas, and my bf won't give me any money for it, even to go buy groceries."

She went back to work when the baby was 4 months old because she couldn't afford not to, even though he was going out buying himself car parts, he races ($20,000 worth of car parts in 6 months) and a snowmobile, new bike, you name it. He was spending money left right and center and when she asked for $20 so she could buy diapers for their son, he said no, that's her responsibility.

She left. They separated for 1 month. She told him she was tired of it, he either changed his ways, pooled their money, married her, or she was leaving and that was it.

After 1 month they met up to talk. She wanted to discuss the sale of the house, child support, and going their separate ways. He wanted to discuss making it work.

They went to counseling, worked things out, and now he's a completely different man. They now have a joint bank account, all their money goes into one account and they pay the bills and spend the money as they see fit, no more asking for a handout. They got married and had another child, and they're doing great.

Moral of the story. Yes, he can change, and it may not take as much as it took for my friend, but, if he doesn't change, are you willing to go through hell and back?

Remember the old saying; A woman marries a man hoping she can change him. A man marries a woman hoping she will never change. :)

When you have been dating someone for two months and you're talking about him changing things about himself, that might be a clue you guys are not a match

Why can't people just have fun during the early days of knowing each other, and if its no fun, date someone else? What's the big deal?

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gigily disagrees : Fun part is always there, but I need to know if I can have long term fun with this person or not. The deal is the decision that is going to effect my life.

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What are we supposed to be psychics? No one can tell if you will be happy with this guy forever, only you can. But if your afraid to take a risk, then stay home and bake cookies, or if he is too stingy for your taste why even bother with the guy. I mean come on if he doesn't meet your standards or his bike can't hold you both then its up to you to tell him you don't like his style.

You can always hold out for a more modern kind of guy, who puts up with what you think you deserve, but NO ONE but you can tell you what to do.

Get off your high horse, and accept him for what he is, or dump the guy.

Oh, gigily, I agree with tal. You are asking the impossible, my dear. You are sitting on the fence right now thinking about all of this. What is it that has to push you off the fence one way or the other.

The fun in living is taking chances. You don't have to be with this guy for the rest of your life if you don't want to. You and he are just finding out about each other; unfortunately you found out that he likes saving his pennies and that is what is bothering you.

Unless you see something in him that holds you too him, and you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't, then just cut your losses (which will be considerable if he saves his money) and move on to someone that suits your play time better.

Life is loving, play, living,sharing, working together to commit, and if you love, absolute monogomy with the right person. If you don't see it here, then get off the fence.

Tick

Thanks for all the comments.It was all helpful and opend my mind. I found out that he is saving to buy a house and he took the metro-not bike- to my place finally. So, many guesses of you guys were right, but he is somehow stingy as well.for example he brought milk to my place last night for himself and today he took the extra milk from fridge back with him, it was just one glass of milk:((( Is n't it so cheap:(

He is what he is. You can either deal with it or you can't.
My ex husband saved slivers of soap and molded them together to reuse them. It used to gross me out.
I let him use his soap and I used mine. He was cheap in some ways had no problem spending money in other areas, so it evened out.
People spend money on what is important to them and they skim on what is not so important.

If this is the only thing that you are concerned about with him, then consider yourself lucky. There is a difference between "cheap" and "frugal".

I work with a guy who is CHEAP. He is 41, still lives at home with his parents, and even though he has a new truck, he won't use the air conditioning in it because he thinks that it saves on gas(wrong). He sometimes travels with friends, as a "tag-a-long" guest(parasite).And doesn't offer to pay for ANYTHING. Once, when he was fixed up on a blind date, he refused to call the girl back because she ordered tea to drink instead of water. He tips 5% (if anything at all). He washes and reuses ziplock bags, tinfoil, and the like. He buys generic brand drinks by bulk for his family as "rent". He makes $90,000 a year, and has no plans to move out. He is waiting for his parents to pass on, and leave him their house. He constantly complains to us about taxes, the government, anything to do with HIS money. And in the same breath, he asks us for "hand- me-down" clothes. I say that I give mine to people who actually NEED them. Not to someone who probably has at least half a million dollars in the bank.

Your boyfriend seems a little more "normal" now, HUH?

It's a good thing that he wants to get his own place. Because you know what they say about rent don't you? It's 100% interest. You are paying someone else's bank note.

I, for one, have never had a problem with spending money on the woman in my life. When I was single, I enjoyed my income. I tasted life. I enjoyed making, and spending, money. I still do, but I save some too. There has to be a balance.

Good luck to you, and the sweaty guy on the bike.

Well, I've been seeig this guy, very cute and adorable and so far we had a good time together. But it's been a week that few times when I cook for him, he just said: I should marry you/ or How should I marry you, that seems to me half serious half kidding. Well it's too early to even talk about marriage but I don't know how should I react to him when he talk about marriage, if I say yes why not, will I look needy or demanding? I knoq guys freak out when girls talk about marriage but I think now I am the one who doesn't know what to say...

Most likely just joking, and why do you have to respond to it at all, or merely say, time will tell, or in a few years.

Keep it as a joke and don't get carried away. A smart remark like can you afford me? may make him cut that crap out.

I found that when I started dating guys in their 30's the subject of marriage did come up quickly. I think he could be gauging where you are at with marriage, or he wants to see if you are at the same place he is with readiness to settle down. He's probably happy to meet someone who seems to be putting up with his frugality. :D I agree with Tal that the way to handle it is with a funny remark.

Just wondering, do you ever buy him dinner or drinks out, or do you expect him to pay?

The difference between cheap and frugal is who it effects. Example, you mooch off a friend and live rent free (CHEAP) or you rent a low end place yourself (FRUGAL). The first example effects who you are mooching off, the second effects no one but yourself. He takes the bus, frugal, he brings his own milk, frugal, he lives at home (potentially cheap, unless he has a loving family and they are supporting him building a foundation, the home purchase, then frugal.

Most of the time a spender and a saver will never make a good relationship.

Listening to your responses are why the US is screwed. Our economy has been run on credit for the last 20 years. People who have spent way more then they made.

When the depression happens you will be glad you are with this guy. He knows how to get by and not be wasteful. I think the person who needs to change is you.

My friend married a girl. Saved his whole life. After the marriage he found out she has 53k on her credit card and took away all her cards. She calls him cheap. He made her pay him 1k a month, which he put to paying off the card. She pays nothing to live in the house. The card is now paid off. She still calls him cheap. She is a worthless, disrespectful person spender brainwashed by advertising that makes you feel you are not important unless you have more things than your friends. It's all debt - get ready for the depression.

Here's the bottom line, are you happy spending time alone with him. Do simple things like taking a walk together to just talk make you happy? Are you a team?

Well, Thanks for all the comments. I ended the relationship. It was too hard for me to handle his life style. He was not responsible at all. That was a sad decision:( , but I found that I can't stand it for any loger though he was very cute and adorable. That's life...

It's good when you realized you could not deal with him you left.
That was a mature thing to do.