Hi everyone. 1st I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this and to reply. Thank you soooo much.

I have been with my man for 3yrs and 4mns. We lived together for 3yrs n 1mn and we have one conjoined BANK acct. he has his own acct and is trying to literally force me to add my name on it because he feels couples should SHARE EVERYTHING. OK so I opened my very own acct with only my name on it and he is upset and threatened to leave me if I didn't put his name on it so I said he should leave. He hasn't asked me what I want to do and feels that by me having my own acct will make it that much easier to leave him one day. He has full access to my acct and I don't need to hide anything from him. All of our money goes into our conjoined acct and every week I move at least 50 to his acct and 50 to my acct. so why aren't I allowed to have my own money? Today he asked me "so what are u going to do? add me on ur acct or cancel it?" then he suggest I conjoin all of our accts which altogether will be 3 bank accts with our names on it which to me sounds silly. I'm scared to tell him "hey im keeping my own acct" but I don't know because when we 1st got together I had my own acct with citibank and everyday he asked me to put his name on it and I don't know why he needs to be on everythng I have. I just like knowing that I am an individual person and not considered "one" with him but he isn't understanding that and just thinks I'm trying to hide things from him. I really need so advice help! I don't know if this makes a difference but he gets paid more than me and he ALWAYS asks before spending any kind of money being that I handle all the finances. He barely deals with our money ever so I know he isn't trying to "steal" the money or anything like that. He's just the type of guy that likes it to be him and me on everything

I don't think I'd put any man's name on anything unless I was married to him.
I also don't see why you cannot have your own little stash if that makes you feel secure. I did and my husband was not bothered by it at all. Your having your own little bit of money is not going to make you want to leave him, if you want to leave, you're going to do it anyway.
I don't know him, but it sounds like an issue of control to me, but that is just me.
If he is wanting to give up a 3 year relationship over the name or the lack thereof on a bank account there may be some other issues there.
How old are the both of you?

You have every right to manage your finances and hold an account in your name.
If you had previously agreed to do otherwise I could a problem.

Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Ask him if he doesn't trust you. If not then it is time for a major re evaluation of the relationship.
If he does trust you then having an account to yourself should not be an issue.

Never let someone force you do to something that there is no logical reason for. This can be the start of how a control freak takes over your life until you can do nothing he doesn't want you to.

Consider this a red flag and watch for controlling behavior.
That can ruin your life and relationship.

Be strong and do what you think is best for you.

I wish you well

I don't speak text speak so part of this is confusing to me - you lived with him for 3 years and 4 minutes? I assume you mean months.

I wouldn't put anything in joint names unless we were married and perhaps not even then.

Good advice from everyone so far.

Please do not use chat speak. It against site rules. From the Terms of Service (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...aq_faq_rules):

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Use the best English you are capable of. "Chat speak", all caps, lack of punctuation, etc. can be annoying, and will frequently result in the post being either unanswered or removed.

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Is your name on 'his' account?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this like adults. Talk and listen to each other. Find out why he is so adamant about being on your account.

It does sound very controlling. Just because you handle the money doesn't mean that he couldn't open another account without your knowledge and transfer all funds into it IF he felt it was a way to hold on to you.

If he is insecure, that is his problem if you haven't given him any reason to be concerned (for example cheated on him). Trying to reassure an insecure person doesn't work because he/she takes that as proof you are up to something. Counseling can help if he is open to it. However, he has to be the one who wants to make the change. If he isn't and continues to threaten to leave if you don't do what he wants, pack your bags, remove your part of the money from the joint account, and leave. It is only going to get worse.

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Originally Posted by martinizing2

You have every right to manage your finances and hold an account in your name.
If you had previously agreed to do otherwise I could a problem.

Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Ask him if he doesn't trust you. If not then it is time for a major re evaluation of the relationship.
If he does trust you then having an account to yourself should not be an issue.

Never let someone force you do to something that there is no logical reason for. This can be the start of how a control freak takes over your life until you can do nothing he doesn't want you to.

Consider this a red flag and watch for controlling behavior.
That can ruin your life and relationship.

Be strong and do what you think is best for you.

I wish you well

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May I email you please?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Please do use chat speak. It against site rules. From the Terms of Service (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.ph...aq_faq_rules):


Is your name on 'his' account?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this like adults. Talk and listen to each other. Find out why he is so adamant about being on your account.

It does sound very controlling. Just because you handle the money doesn't mean that he couldn't open another account without your knowledge and transfer all funds into it IF he felt it was a way to hold on to you.

If he is insecure, that is his problem if you haven't given him any reason to be concerned (for example cheated on him). Trying to reassure an insecure person doesn't work because he/she takes that as proof you are up to something. Counseling can help if he is open to it. However, he has to be the one who wants to make the change. If he isn't and continues to threaten to leave if you don't do what he wants, pack your bags, remove your part of the money from the joint account, and leave. It is only going to get worse.

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I am truly sorry about my text chat. I am capable of perfect english. Sorry again to all. My name is not on his acct because I don't want it on there but he keeps asking me to put my name on it. I am 24yrs old and he will be turning 21 in August

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Originally Posted by jessickah12712

may I email you please?

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Please keep all contact on the board. It helps keep your story together and makes certain that everyone posting has the same information to work on.

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Originally Posted by jessickah12712

i am truly sorry about my text chat. i am capable of perfect english. sorry again to all.

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We don't expect perfection. :)

Is he attempting to be this controlling about other areas such as who you are friends with or what you wear? Maybe he's very vocal about not wanting you to go certain places without him?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

We don't expect perfection. :)

Is he attempting to be this controlling about other areas such as who you are friends with or what you wear? Maybe he's very vocal about not wanting you to go certain places without him?

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Oh my god yes to all those questions!! He wants to control everything! I control him in certain areas as well like not contacting his exes, wearing seatbelts while driving, not smoking cigarettes, um I pretty much try to stop him from doing things that might get him killed or if it has to do with his health. The only times I tell him something about his clothes is when he comes outside looking like a bum. But he keeps me from talking to certain people, can't wear shirts that show clevage (which I do anyway because its my body) he does try to control a lot

Unless you both stop trying to control each other then you're heading for a hard relationship, its already toxic, you should be able to have your own bank account, both of you not just you, him too, his exs are just that his exs, OK the no smoking parts a good thing, him telling you what you can or can't wear that's bad, and you and he both appear to be digging your heels in over these issues, instead of talking them through like 2 consenting adults in a healthy relationship would.

I think you have control issues both of you need to take time out and talk about them and compromise, or agree to disagree, if you don't then things between you could get seriously abusive in time to come.

Let each other be themselves, it's a relationship you have not an ownership.

You don't own each other. You're sharing a time span, not a jail term...

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Unless you both stop trying to control each other then youre heading for a hard relationship, its already toxic, you should be able to have your own bank account, both of you not just you, him too, his exs are just that his exs, ok the no smoking parts a good thing, him telling you what you can or can't wear thats bad, and you and he both appear to be digging your heels in over these issues, instead of talking them through like 2 consenting adults in a healthy relationship would.

I think you have control issues both of you need to take time out and talk about them and compromise, or agree to disagree, if you dont then things between you could get seriously abusive in time to come.

Let each other be themselves, its a relationship you have not an ownership.

You dont own each other. youre sharing a time span, not a jail term...

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Hi, we sit down and talk about certain things but it doesn't work. He either ends up yelling or I do. I usually want to sit down and talk but he saids no I'm mad leave me alone. I never gave him a reason to doubt my love for him. I never cheated or snuck around and spoke to any one especially an ex. But he on the other hand continued contact with his ex for 2yrs and now he feels that I will do the same to get back at him. I started something new with him, instead of telling him no you can't do that I tell him why I feel he shouldn't do it. For example he wants to spend $300 on a race wheel for the ps3. OK that's fine but we can't afford it! We are 600 behind on rent and 2 of our bills are behind plus we haven't paid our car insurance and we have to spend more than $1000 to get our car fixed. So he starts telling me he is going to get it and I keep saying no you are not because we canot afford this right now. We can see about getting it in a couple of months when we know it won't effect us. But then he gets mad and saids its my money too. And that's y I decided to make a new acct. this is my plan and I explained it to him. We have 3 bank accts. One is conjoined and its where all of our money is and direct deposits. Every week I transfer something over to both accts and that's "left over" money so he is allowed to spend that money on that acct on whatever he wants. I find it to be a good plan but he sees it as I'm hiding money from him or whatever, but if I honestly let him buy the things he wants we will be living in the streets. Here is a list off all the things he wants for this yr and mind you all we only get paid $489 a week btwn both of us. Rent is 600 a month, phone bill 100 internet 30 cable 70 groceries ill say 150 a week and 100 for his own personal use (food for the week when he is working, cigarettes,beer) and gas for the week maybe 60. OK so that's where all of our money goes and here are the things he wants for 2010

1. $300 race wheel
2. new xbox
3. new ps3
4. turbo for our car (I don't what for. I don't like him speeding which is another issue in our relationship)
5. iPhone 3g ($150 used from a friend)
6. new car
7. flat screen TV (which he bought off his moms credit card for $556)
8. new ps3 games which are at least $60 each
9. iPad (dont know the price but I know its over $300)
10. Bass booster speakers for the car

These are just the topp things he talks about but the list goes on and on and on! I have to "control" him in this area because he is too irresponsible and I enjoying having a roof over my head and a car and food lol

How old is he? This is my step-grandson's Christmas list!

So you have been with this young man sine he was 17/18. Maybe he is insecure, has to prove he's in charge since you are older than him.
Has he always been that way or is it since he's about to be 21 he's flexing his muscles.
You two need to sit down and discus things like adults. You are not each other's parents.
Could be he is trying to be grown but has the wrong idea about what being grown means.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

So you have been with this young man sine he was 17/18. maybe he is insecure, has to prove he's in charge since you are older than him.
Has he always been that way or is it since he's about to be 21 he's flexing his muscles.
You two need to sit down and discus things like adults. You are not each other's parents.
Could be he is trying to be grown but has the wrong idea about what being grown means.

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No he has always been this way. The 1st day we met he looked through my text messages and asked me questions about the people I talk to and I asked him to give me the respect of not looking through my fone. I mean its my fault because I should have known by then what kind of person he is. He thinks I'm his mom. We both work but only I clean wash dishes feed the cats clean the litter and go to the market. I'm always cleaning up after him and when I do tell his mom she just laughs and saids men don't do things like that. Um no wrong! My father works more than 40hrs a week and he cooks cleans and goes to the supermarket. At times he doesn't even let my stepmom do anything around the house so idont see why he can't do things for himself. I stopped washing his clothes and doing anything for him and even stopped having sex with him (which is another issue because 3times a week isn't enough for him but oh well) but that just caused more problems and I was tired of looking at molded dishes and a stinky bathroom

It may be time to let the baby go or you will be dealing with this for a very long time.
Instead of saying "no allowance this week" you're saying "no sex"
Cut the apron strings!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It may be time to let the baby go or you will be dealing with this for a very long time.
Instead of saying "no allowance this week" you're saying "no sex"
Cut the apron strings!

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Yes I say no sex hahahahha I know its petty but just because I am your girl doesn't mean that you get it for free lol. But it just pisses him off even more but I just ignore him until he does what a man is suppose to do

He is still a child and you have let him be one for 3 years, He throws temper tantrums.
It's really on you. You either put up with his childish crap or you say enough and make him grow up.
See how many toys he can buy if he is on his own, paying rent and the whole shebang.

He's not a control freak, he is a spoiled child and you're the indulgent parent who's complaining about her spoiled child.
He does what you have allowed him to do, treats you the way you have allowed him to.

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Originally Posted by jessickah12712

hi, we sit down and talk about certain things but it doesnt work. he either ends up yelling or i do. i usually want to sit down and talk but he saids no im mad leave me alone. i never gave him a reason to doubt my love for him. i never cheated or snuck around and spoke to any one especially an ex. but he on the other hand continued contact with his ex for 2yrs and now he feels that i will do the same to get back at him. i started something new with him, instead of telling him no u can't do that i tell him why i feel he shouldnt do it. for example he wants to spend $300 on a race wheel for the ps3. ok thats fine but we can't afford it! we are 600 behind on rent and 2 of our bills are behind plus we havent paid our car insurance and we have to spend more than $1000 to get our car fixed. so he starts telling me he is going to get it and i keep saying no you are not because we canot afford this right now. we can see about getting it in a couple of months when we know it wont effect us. but then he gets mad and saids its my money too. and thats y i decided to make a new acct. this is my plan and i explained it to him. we have 3 bank accts. one is conjoined and its where all of our money is and direct deposits. every wk i transfer something over to both accts and thats "left over" money so he is allowed to spend that money on taht acct on whatever he wants. i find it to be a good plan but he sees it as im hiding money from him or whatever, but if i honestly let him buy the things he wants we will be living in the streets. here is a list off all the things he wants for this yr and mind u all we only get paid $489 a wk btwn both of us. rent is 600 a month, phone bill 100 internet 30 cable 70 groceries ill say 150 a wk and 100 for his own personal use (food for the wk when he is working, cigarettes,beer) and gas for the wk maybe 60. ok so thats where all of our money goes and here are the things he wants for 2010

1. $300 race wheel
2. new xbox
3. new ps3
4. turbo for our car (i dont what for. i dont liek him speeding which is another issue in our relationship)
5. iphone 3g ($150 used from a friend)
6. new car
7. flat screen tv (which he went ahead and bought off his moms credit card for $556)
8. new ps3 games which are atleast $60 each
9. ipad (dont know the price but i kno its over $300)
10. bass booster speakers for the car

these are just the topp things he talks about but the list goes on and on and on! i have to "control" him in this area bcuz he is too irresponsible and i enjoying having a roof over my head and a car and food lol

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Do you both work?
I think the above list is very unrealistic. Especially as you say you have rent arrears that should be your first priority, as in pay the rent, and utility bills, get food, and weekly needs, say petrol or fares to work other day to day living expenses, milk bread.
Pay any commitments you have like credit card bills, etc. On time..

Once you've paid these then whatever is left over you could divvy up as in half each, or put to one side in order to buy luxuries at a later date.

I also think that you could maybe do with some debt management counselling sessions, to help you both learn how to budget your money correctly, however never let your rent get into arrears that's the main priority pay that above all and any other things every month or when its due. If you owe arrears do have a word with your landlord and make him an offer to pay off the arrears at so much a month and please stick to that agreement.

You and he have both got to stop this wanting to control each other, you're in a relationship, you don't have the right to demand he do this or that and neither does he, you're adults or in an adult relationship, please stop the control or power struggles and get sensible, talk things through don't make demands either of you. Obviously that doesn't work.

Here's a little advice that could get you working together for once.
How to really listen:
You both agree who is to do the talking first, you then let that person say whatever is on their mind, fully, once the persons finished, wait one minute then the other person replies. Then do same with other person letting them speak without interupting, interupting means you're not listening.

If you two can manage to do this then maybe you'll stop all of this controlling or wanting to control, you're in a relationship, a partnership, and as such you should both be taking each others views and desires into account, not trying to control areas of that relationship, you're not his owner and he's not yours.

His list is totally unrealistic, and sounds as JudyKayTee has already said like someone's christmas wish list, when you're in a relationship you both need to learn how to budget, together and how you're going to save for luxuries like flat screen TVs and Xboxs, you don't earn enough or have enough money coming in each week to have such a ridiculous list, tell him to give that to santa LOL.

Seriously try as Ive suggested to you here, if this still doesn't stop you both trying to control each other then I don't hold out much hope for the relationship. You both need to stop the controlling. And learn how to budget. Once you do this then wonder about 2nd and 3rd bank accounts, Pay your rent first.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is still a child and you have let him be one for 3 years, He throws temper tantrums.
It's really on you. You either put up with his childish crap or you say enough and make him grow up.
See how many toys he can buy if he is on his own, paying rent and the whole shebang.

He's not a control freak, he is a spoiled child and you're the indulgent parent who's complaining about her spoiled child.
He does what you have allowed him to do, treats you the way you have allowed him to.

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I wouldn't say he is spoiled because he actually doesn't buy all of the crap he wants. I always talk to him about his dirty habits of not cleaning up and its been like this for 3 yrs. I tried talking and making little chore list and it works for about a month but then he falls off the wagon and my job gets undone :-( its not my fault that he is like this, his mom saids it all the time that it is because of her because she raised him. But I just need advice on how to get through to him. Maybe my tone isn't good or maybe I just haven't said it the correct way? I love him and I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work and I know I have to deal with whatever because I choose to stay but I believe people can change :-/ if I ask him to help me he might help but usually he saids OK and never move. I once took his dishes and threw them in the garbage so he went out and bought 10 of the cups I threw out just to mess with me!

It's not your fault he is the way he is, but you have become his mother.
Stop playing games with him. He is who he is, and you will either put up with it or you will say enough and leave. You will not change this man child. He has to want to change. He has to grow up.

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then that's mine and my texts are none of your business, but you're enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. You're both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. Its on a losing streak at this time.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Do you both work?
I think the above list is very unrealistic. especially as you say you have rent arrears that should be your first priority, as in pay the rent, and utility bills, get food, and weekly needs, say petrol or fares to work other day to day living expenses, milk bread.
Pay any commitments you have like credit card bills, etc. On time..

Once youve paid these then whatever is left over you could divvy up as in half each, or put to one side in order to buy luxuries at a later date.

I also think that you could maybe do with some debt management counselling sessions, to help you both learn how to budget your money correctly, however never let your rent get into arrears thats the main priority pay that above all and any other things every month or when its due. If you owe arrears do have a word with your landlord and make him an offer to pay off the arrears at so much a month and please stick to that agreement.

You and he have both got to stop this wanting to control each other, youre in a relationship, you dont have the right to demand he do this or that and neither does he, youre adults or in an adult relationship, please stop the control or power struggles and get sensible, talk things through dont make demands either of you. Obviously that doesnt work.

Heres a little advice that could get you working together for once.
How to really listen:
You both agree who is to do the talking first, you then let that person say whatever is on their mind, fully, once the persons finished, wait one minute then the other person replies. then do same with other person letting them speak without interupting, interupting means youre not listening.

If you two can manage to do this then maybe youll stop all of this controlling or wanting to control, youre in a relationship, a partnership, and as such you should both be taking each others views and desires into account, not trying to control areas of that relationship, youre not his owner and hes not yours.

His list is totally unrealistic, and sounds as JudyKayTee has already said like someones christmas wish list, when youre in a relationship you both need to learn how to budget, together and how youre going to save for luxuries like flat screen TVs and Xboxs, you dont earn enough or have enough money coming in each week to have such a ridiculous list, tell him to give that to santa LOL.

seriously try as Ive suggested to you here, if this still doesnt stop you both trying to control each other then I dont hold out much hope for the relationship. You both need to stop the controlling. and learn how to budget. Once you do this then wonder about 2nd and 3rd bank accounts, Pay your rent first.

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Yes we both work and make almost 500 a week btwn both of us (not 500 each) I have been working on the control issues on my part. We live in a house with other people so he is the type that needs people around him all the time for some reason. He enjoys going upstairs to hang out with the married couple. I had a problem with it at first because he would come home from work and not even tell me he is home and go straight upstairs without even cmng inside to say hi to me. At first I would yell and tell him to stop going up there so much but then we came to terms that he will go upstairs once in a while and try not to go upstairs when we are both off (we only see each other on Friday for the entire day so I cherish the little bit of time I have with him and I hate it when he spends it with the same people he hangs out with all week) last week he asked me if its OK if he goes up there and instead of getting mad I said "you dont need my permission to hang out with your friends, go ahead and have fun" and to my surprise he decides to hang out with me instead. So I know the talking helps but sometimes it doesn't. I want him to grow up and take charge of things like finances. On Thursday we get paid and I will be able to pay the past due rent because he worked extra hrs this week. He never minds working more than 40 hrs a week so that's a great quality so I'm guessing this is why he feels he should buy whatever he wants. And I agree with you about paying everything off first and having the extra cash to buy luxuries and that's y I did this whole acct thing but he isn't understanding it and suggest I add his name on the acct. his niece spoke to him and told him about his ways because she tells me all the time that he is controlling and she can't believe if tolerated it for so long. As you noticed I do my share of controlling but only if its effecting me. Like I am controlling when it comes to speeding, wearing a seatbelt and in general reckless driving. I told him when he is driving by himself he can do whatever he pleases but it isn't fair to me that I have to sit there almost pissing myself every time you drive. I shouldn't have to be subjected to that at all, I care about my life and he puts it in danger when he does stupid things like race other drivers. So he isn't allowed to do tha when I'm in the car. I know it sounds weird that he isn't allowed to do that but when it comes to our lives and other peoples lives out there I don't think I'm being unfair to him by demanding he practices safe driving at all times. But now since I stopped controlling him he feels as if I don't love him so now I'm confused. Does he like when I tell him what to do? He saids I am a nag but I think he likes me nagging at him lol.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.

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So you don't believe we can make it work?

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.

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So you don't believe we can make it work? Also you said I am being childish. What am I being childish about and what can I do to change this. I want to be a better person and I always try to find new techniques to talk to him without getting out of control. Thanks for the help to everyone!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It's not your fault he is the way he is, but you have become his mother.
Stop playing games with him. He is who he is, and you will either put up with it or you will say enough and leave. You will not change this man child. He has to want to change. He has to grow up.

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Yup you are right he needs to want to change. I am enabling a child lol oh god. He saids he wants to change but then again he doesn't. He is very confusing at times

OP, I agree that he shouldn't drive recklessly he's not only endangering your life but others lives to, what if he were to run someone over say a pregnant woman or a child or someone's granny, he has to be sensible , so yes I agree with you in that respect.

He should though be aware of the risks he takes without needing to be reminded. He's a very irresponsible young man and needs to come down to earth.

I do also feel that you've in a way taken over a kind of mother role in his life and example being his saying that's since you've stopped controlling him he says he feels you don't love him, in other words he wants you to be responsible for him, and that's not right he has to be responsible for himself. Its not your role its his.

So I suggest you keep up with not trying to control him, and yes let him make his own decisions like with those upstairs. He needs to know its not your job to keep everything going in this relationship, it take two, and he's got to meet you half way, and you him, try my suggestion about how to really listen if he comes out with saying he is getting mad, ignore him, or tell him OK well resume this later. That's another way he's using to get out of accepting responsibility, you're in it together, he needs to face this, and you both need to work at it together, or its headed for the relationship dumpster.

Don't involve other people do this yourself with him no one else. Hope this helps, you do seem to have the right idea, and are willing to make changes, now you need to get this across to him, and hopefully get him on same page.

Also don't use sex as a weapon, its meant to be enjoyed, not used to punish or make someone conform.

My apologies I was wrong in saying you're being childish I meant you're going to his level and enabling him to remain childish, and yes you could make this relationship work but he has got to want to change for himself, and you do the same. Don't do all the giving, he has to do his part as well.

He's a child and you're his mother.
I swear he acts like one.
He likes to be told what to do. He gets mad, but he likes it.
Personally it would drive me nuts, but it is you who has to decide if you want to deal with this, he obviously has no problem with you. But when he grows up are you going to be willing to give up the reins?
The whole bank account thing is a temper tantrum and I would not give in to that.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP, I agree that he shouldnt drive recklessly hes not only endangering your life but others lives to, what if he were to run someone over say a pregnant woman or a child or someones granny, he has to be sensible , so yes I agree with you in that respect.

He should though be aware of the risks he takes without needing to be reminded. hes a very irresponsible young man and needs to come down to earth.

I do also feel that youve in a way taken over a kind of mother role in his life and example being his saying thats since youve stopped controlling him he says he feels you dont love him, in other words he wants you to be responsible for him, and thats not right he has to be responsible for himself. Its not your role its his.

So I suggest you keep up with not trying to control him, and yes let him make his own decisions like with those upstairs. he needs to know its not your job to keep everything going in this relationship, it take two, and hes got to meet you half way, and you him, try my suggestion about how to really listen if he comes out with saying he is getting mad, ignore him, or tell him ok well resume this later. Thats another way hes using to get out of accepting responsiblity, youre in it together, he needs to face this, and you both need to work at it together, or its headed for the relationship dumpster.

Dont involve other people do this yourself with him no one else. Hope this helps, you do seem to have the right idea, and are willing to make changes, now you need to get this across to him, and hopefully get him on same page.

Also dont use sex as a weapon, its meant to be enjoyed, not used to punish or make someone conform.

My apologies I was wrong in saying youre being childish I meant youre going to his level and enabling him to remain childish, and yes you could make this relationsghip work but he has got to want to change for himself, and you do the same. dont do all the giving, he has to do his part as well.

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Thank you very much. I will try to have the bank acct conversation with him and hopefully it turns out OK but I'm pretty sure I know how its going to end. He is going to get mad and storm out of the house like always but I'm still going to try

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He's a child and you're his mother.
I swear he acts like one.
He likes to be told what to do. He gets mad, but he likes it.
Personally it would drive me nuts, but it is you who has to decide if you want to deal with this, he obviously has no problem with you. But when he grows up are you going to be willing to give up the reins?
The whole bank account thing is a temper tantrum and I would not give in to that.

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I am def willing to give up the reins! Lol I need a man not a child and I am thinking about making a list of all our problems and sitting down with him and talking it out (similar to how a mother treats their kids huh? Lol) I always tell him he thinks I am his mom. But one thing that changed is that he does the cooking now for both of us so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy very very slowly he's changing

He is a man child. He is acting like a 20 person trying to assert his independence from his parents. You are the parent. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by jessickah12712

i am def willing to give up the reins! lol i need a man not a child and i am thinking about making a list of all our problems and sitting down with him and talking it out (similar to how a mother treats their kids huh? lol) i always tell him he thinks i am his mom. but one thing that changed is that he does the cooking now for both of us so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy very very slowly hes changing

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He is slowly growing up.
You're a good one. I couldn't do it, (I've already raised a child) but then again I'm a lot older than you are and you're not much older than him.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is a man child. he is acting like a 20 person trying to assert his independence from his parents. You are the parent. Good luck.

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Thank you for the advice. It really really helped me a lot and I know I am his "mother" now its time to take action and change that or leave

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Originally Posted by jessickah12712

thank u very much. i will try to have the bank acct conversation with him and hopefully it turns out ok but im pretty sure i know how its going to end. he is going to get mad and storm out of the house like always but im still going to try

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jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we don't expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

Edited to fix a forgotten word: don't

No don't talk to him as if a mother, talk to him as his equal, and please do talk to each other not at each other. Start being his equal not a substitute mother. You're his partner, make it known to him you want to be treated as one in everyway. Not as a Mother.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

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Oh I am sorry again I am just so used to the "chat" talk. Yes I do get a bit emotional when talking about it because it makes me feel like I am no good because I "allow" him to be the way he is but in reality you can't force someone to change and this is why I am here seeking for some advice on how to deal with this :-(

Good for you for recognising that you have a problem.

However we here don't do chat or text speak.

No you cannot force someone to change you can however lead by example.

Good luck.

Also never say you're no good because that's not right you're a unique individual as as good as any other person, at least you've the good sense to spot problems, So don't put yourself down please.

Plus we all make errors in judgement the trick is recognising them...

A quote I like to go by:
There are no mistakes or failures, Only Lessons...

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.

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Hi again. He just called me and asked how to conjoin accounts. I told him I don't know and I want to have a talk about the whole bank account situation. He already knew what I was going to say and went off his yelling spree. I was able to calm him down enough to explain to him his chilidish ways and that I will no longer endulge in it so he needs to be responsible for himself. He then hangs up on me and then calls me back and infroms me that he will cancel the conjoined bank account and have his own account without me in it. I asked if that's what he really wants and he yelled some more and kept saying "i dont want to f**** talkk about you just do whatever it is you want, im done talking" he reason for not wanting me to have my own account is because he doesn't see the reason for me to have my own money because we are "one" and if there ever is an emergency he can't access my account. He was yelling so much and being himself that I hanged up and haven't picked up since. What do I do now lol?

Stick to your guns, he is being unreasonable, its perfectly OK to each have accounts and one joint, so his reasoning is not justified, Don't call him back let him sweat it out, he's got to learn he cannot have a tantrum whenever he is not getting his own way, he's acting like a 3 yr old, and you deserve equal respect, and he should be aware of this, it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it. Or so they say, Just stick it out, and then he will have to face reality, don't give in to him, you have to stand your ground...

It might be hard to do this but do try to stick it out, he's got to learn he cannot be like this with you...

I also feel it's a sensible thing to retain some of your independence even in a relationship, there could come a time when he or one of you empties the joint account leaving the other possibly stranded, so having joint and individual accounts makes a lot of sense, and anyway its up to you. Its your life you must live it for you. You're sharing a time span, not owning each others lives. Please stick to your guns... take phone off hook or turn it off if its easier...

Im married and yet I have my own bank account, And my partner does too, we have a joint account as well. Ive always had my own account, not because I don't want to share but because of what's written above so that I have some independence. Anyone who knows about life would agree to this too. Its what sensible people usually do.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Stick to your guns, he is being unreasonable, its perfectly ok to each have accounts and one joint, so his reasoning is not justified, Dont call him back let him sweat it out, hes got to learn he cannot have a tantrum whenever he is not getting his own way, hes acting like a 3 yr old, and you deserve equal respect, and he should be aware of this, it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it. or so they say, Just stick it out, and then he will have to face reality, dont give in to him, you have to stand your ground...

It might be hard to do this but do try to stick it out, hes got to learn he cannot be like this with you...

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Thank you now I see that I actually have been mothering this man! Every time something happens I give in to his crap and I told him this before he hanged up. He saids he feels I will leave him if I have my own money but I told him it saids a lot about him because if he believes that I will leave him by having this other account then he is forcing me to stay with him by not allowing me to have an account right? I mean that's how I see it. If I wanted to leave him I would have left him months ago when he started talking to his ex but he doesn't understand that part but I will hold my ground and act like the young lady my momma raised. My mom hates it when I give in to him because my mom raised me and my sister by herself and she saids you don't need a man to tell you what to do or to take care of you. I think its about time I start living by that rule. You have all given me courage. Thank you and I hope I'm not using chat speak again

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we don't expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

edited to fix a forgotten word: don't

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The "talk" made things worst! Now he is really pissed and its hard for me to control my anger right now but I'm really really trying to talk without yelling and giving him the chance to blow off some steam. So now he wants to cancel the conjoined account and I have my own and he has his own which is perfectly fine with me because I never wanted the conjoined accounts to begin with. But he is being very difficult and giving me attitude and sitting there looking ugly with his "mean" face. I just feel like smacking the attitude right out of him

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Originally Posted by jessickah12712

the "talk" made things worst! now he is really pissed and its hard for me to control my anger right now but im really really trying to talk without yelling and giving him the chance to blow off some steam. so now he wants to cancel the conjoined account and i have my own and he has his own which is perfectly fine with me because i never wanted the conjoined accounts to begin with. but he is being very difficult and giving me attitude and sitting there looking ugly with his "mean" face. i just feel like smacking the attitude right out of him

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Hi Again OP, I understand that his being as he is is making you feel angry, however in becoming angry you are losing control of yourself, and that's not good for you, try to count to ten, or think of something to make you smile it will take the edge off your anger, also words said in anger could easily be regretted later, if you can remain calm, and speak slowly and concisely then you'll have more of an effect upon him, by shouting or yelling at each other it just means neither of you is really listening to the other, so all you will be doing is making a noise, but nothing you or he say is actually being heard, its just words.

It is hard at times to remain calm in some situations, perhaps you could go for a walk, by the time you return he too will have had time to think. You don't have to go far or for long just long enough to allow yourself to calm down and hopefully be able to think more rationally and then go home and see if he's willing to talk to you, if not just be civilised to him for the rest of the day, but if one of you doesn't put an end to the anger and hostility then you'll go no where fast. Try as is suggested here, and Im sure you'll not only feel better it will help clear your mind, you can get your point over without it being in an angry confrontation. So good luck and keep us all posted. Im sure you can do it.

Just remember calm is cool. Its gets through to people easier too...

I've only read the first two pages and I know what this kid's problem is.

He's immature.

Let me take a guess...

He... never lived on his own before for a while having to support himself.

You are his first serious girlfriend...

I could be wrong, but it seems to be the trend.

1. He's immature. Plain and simple. The guy doesn't know anything about finances to begin with. Yes, we all splurge once in a while... but making $2k a month, you're going to have to learn to budget... pretty darn well. And the whole, "I'm mad and I don't wanna talk to you." C'mon... seriously?

2. The controlling issue will NEVER change. Did I say NEVER? I meant, unless something happens between the two of you. I've had a few guy friends who were controlling to their girlfriends. Looking at their e-mails, checking their phones, checking their bank accounts, etc. Now, the whole "joint acct" is a WHOLE new level of control that I have yet to encounter. Joint account when you're married? Yeah, that sounds good... when you're DATING?. why? What good comes out of that..

Between my girlfriend and myself, I'm the more financially savvy one, and we discussed what would happen if I ever married someone... and I wanted three accts: one joint, two separate. She wanted everything together. But this is when you're MARRIED... what if you two break up? Then what? You guys will split it down the middle.. I doubt that this will happen amicably... someone will complain about something that someone spent, and how one should get more than the other. It's ugly between couples who have been married for DECADES... doubt that it'll be easier for couples who have been together for a few years.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I've only read the first two pages and I know what this kid's problem is.

He's immature.

Let me take a guess...

He...never lived on his own before for a while having to support himself.

You are his first serious girlfriend...

I could be wrong, but it seems to be the trend.

1. He's immature. Plain and simple. The guy doesn't know anything about finances to begin with. Yes, we all splurge once in a while...but making $2k a month, you're going to have to learn to budget...pretty darn well. And the whole, "I'm mad and I don't wanna talk to you." C'mon...seriously?

2. The controlling issue will NEVER change. Did I say NEVER? I meant, unless something happens between the two of you. I've had a few guy friends who were controlling to their girlfriends. Looking at their e-mails, checking their phones, checking their bank accounts, etc. Now, the whole "joint acct" is a WHOLE new level of control that I have yet to encounter. Joint account when you're married? Yeah, that sounds good...when you're DATING? ...why? What good comes out of that...?

Between my girlfriend and myself, I'm the more financially savvy one, and we discussed what would happen if I ever married someone...and I wanted three accts: one joint, two separate. She wanted everything together. But this is when you're MARRIED....what if you two break up? Then what? You guys will split it down the middle...? I doubt that this will happen amicably...someone will complain about something that someone spent, and how one should get more than the other. It's ugly between couples who have been married for DECADES...doubt that it'll be easier for couples who have been together for a few years.

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Everything that you just said is exactly what I just said to him and he is being very childish about the whole situation. I explained to him that he has no justified reason for not wanting me to have my own account. When we 1st moved in together I wanted to kill this boy. He took the liberty in claiming all of my belongings as his own. For example my laptop that I had for 2yrs before I even met him and my iPod which he over used and burned out and that I no longer have. Even after I have asked not to over use my things he still did it and got mad at me for saying "my stuff" he has an issue when I say "this is mines" but in reality it is mines! My mom bought me a brand new dell inspirion laptop. The rule was that he will not download anything on "MY" laptop and he got mad at me for saying mines and decided to download crap. So now I only have maybe 6gb of hard drive space left and he won't erase his off it so I erased everything and told to f*** himself because he just doesn't listen. And yes you are right he has never been on his own and the only reason why we moved in together was because my mom kicked me out and he started coming over my new place and got comfortable. He was in one serious relationship and it lasted 2yrs and thts the ex I was speaking about that he kept contact with

Wow. Had this been a relationship where you didn't live together, I would have told you to break it off with him, because he's just not going to grow up. The control issue will NOT change until he sees that he's being controlling. But you letting yourself be controlled by him (not putting your foot down) technically enables him to control you more. I know guys that Started with, "I would appreciate it if you wore clothes that didn't show cleavage..." to "Where the $@#* do you think you're wearing that to?!?" to burning/tearing low cut tops.

However, since you two live together, you're going to have to find a way to either get along well, in a compromising way (meaning you get what you WANT as well, not what you can LIVE with... there's a huge difference), or go your own separate ways.

OP in your last post it would also seem he is not respecting your boundaries either.

Can you get counselling, because I think that is really what you need, it seems that the rot is setting in in your relationship, and counselling will help you both with the control issues the anger management you seem to both possibly need and also for helping him to know he's to respect your boundaries.

If you are really serious about being together then Im sure counselling will help you both.

Never settle for inferior treatment, or put up with his ways for a quiet life, he is controlling and Im sure he knows it, he has to however be willing to see this for himself, you can tell him till you're blue in the face it won't make a blind bit of difference.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

Wow. Had this been a relationship where you didn't live together, I would have told you to break it off with him, because he's just not going to grow up. The control issue will NOT change until he sees that he's being controlling. But you letting yourself be controlled by him (not putting your foot down) technically enables him to control you more. I know guys that STARTED off with, "I would appreciate it if you wore clothes that didn't show cleavage..." to "Where the $@#* do you think you're wearing that to?!?" to burning/tearing low cut tops.

However, since you two live together, you're going to have to find a way to either get along well, in a compromising way (meaning you get what you WANT as well, not what you can LIVE with...there's a huge difference), or go your own separate ways.

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Yes living together really makes it difficult to decide if you want to leave or stay and to be honest if we didn't live together we would have never made it to 3yrs and 4months. I know I am not perfect. We all have our flaws but he has greater issues than I ever had, have or will ever have lol. I can't go out unless I am with him or go over a friends house unless he comes because he needs to be there to protect me and I love him for wanting to protect me but you aren't my father and you can't watch me 24/7 . Do you want to know something funny? At our 1st year being together he would always try to force to stay on the phone with him while I was in school. He said he just likes knowing that I'm OK and likes to hear me breath and it makes him feel like I'm with him. And at 1st thtas what it was until he started obsessing about always having me on the phone. All he wanted to do was be a nosey idiot and ask me a whole bunch of retarted questions about what me and my friends talked about and anytime he heard a guy in the back ground he will start yelling in my ear (I wore an earpiece) asking who that guy is and why am I talking to him as if I can't have male friends. I told him I will not have him on the phone ever unless we are actually speaking.