Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend hit me up for the first time yesterday, do I forgive him?

I know I made a mistake he was angry because he says I do not have time for him, I do not act like we are in a relationship, I know he has every right to be angry but not the right to hit me. If I forgive him he will do it again, nobody has ever laid hands on me even my parents, he is the first 1 to do it. I love him we have a baby together he has proposed he wants to mary me. Now I am afraid if he is starting to hit me, how will our marriage be. Please advise, do I forgive him or break up with him as much as I love him I cannot marry Mike Tyson.

This is a very serious question and without knowing more, it would be irresponsible for me to attempt to answer you definitively.

However, violence in a relationship should not be tolerated/executed by either partner. Especially if children are involved.

Does your boyfriend have a tendency towards this? How long have you known him for?

I suggest seeking help from rational people that you already trust, as opposed to the internet. Are you able to speak to your parents about this?

Once it starts, it is so hard for them to stop. I was in an abusive relationship, and it started with her slapping me across the face when we were just dating. After marriage, it got worse, escalating to scratching, biting, punching, and kicking. We have 2 children together and are now going through divorce. I wish I had done it sooner because no one deserves to be put through that. It is humiliating, demeaning, and it affected so many other aspects of my life. I hope that you can find the strength to walk away before it gets worse. No one has the right to physically hurt you.

I too was in an abusive relationship, I also work counselling women who have just left abusive relationships.

My first reaction would be to tell you, don't even consider forgiving him, however, you know him better than I do, and you would also know if this is a one off or is it going to go on too much worse treatment, has he a nasty temper does he shout at you often, argue with you a lot, does he get worse if he's had an alcoholic drink, does he tell you who you can talk to or hang around with, does he call you nasty unkind names, tell you you're no good, keep you short of money, ignore you, sulk, tell you to do this or do that, accuse you of having or wanting to sleep with other males.
If any of the above are true for you then please get away and stay away.

The 2 links here will lead to information about the signs of abuse that you can look for, read them and then please post here again. As soon as you've posted again I will be able to give you better advice, so please do .

Relationship-Help: SignsOfAbuse

Relationship-Help: Control-Freak

Ohhhhh boy. My first thought is to get as far away from him as possible. I was in an emotional and verbally abusive marriage, which is as bad as a physically abusive one (sometimes I think it is worse because there are no physical signs that people can see and other people often say that the victim is not telling the truth), so I know exactly what you are feeling and why there is so much confusion about whether you should forgive him or not. If it is truly an abusive thing and not a one time error in judgment, you need to understand that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. If he starts to blame you and tells you he did not want to hurt you but YOU made him, I would run as far away from him as possible - especially because of the fact that you have a child with him. You need to protect yourself as well as your child. Seek counseling regardless.

If it is only a one time mistake, which I hope it is, I would recommend that you seek a couple's counselor. He needs to understand why he hit you and that you should not be blamed for it, etc. No one can change what they don't acknowledge. People also deserve second chances if they are truly sorry and want to change, etc. Just don't allow him to constantly apologize if it happens again and again and again. You MUST be able to eventually forgive him so that you don't carry negative energy around with you, but you must NEVER forGET because that is what is going to protect you. I eventually forgave my ex for emotionally and verbally abusing me so that I could move on with my life. Once I realized that he was the sick one and it was not my fault, I was able to let go of the negative aura around me and it improved my life. I actually feel sorry for him (my ex-husband).

I hope this helps!!

Please do check the links I left for you, until you have don't forgive him or anything like it, first it needs to be determined if and how much at risk you are, please don't ignore, I almost lost my life at the hands of an abuser, don't take that risk with your life.

How badly injured are you, are you cut bruised, have teeth knocked out or possible broken bones, you say in your OP he bit you up I take that as being beat you up, which indicates more than a mere slap. Can you give more details of the assault please.

Was your child involved in anyway such as in your arms at the time, or close by.

Where is your partner now? Is it safe for you to be online? If you prefer I could post a link to the national domestic violence hotline site which is secure.

Abuse and violence cannot be tolerated. The fact it happened even once is a red flag with lights, bells, sirens and whistles.

I would suggest that in order to continue in the relationship you demand counseling and/or anger management.

Couple this with a vow that if it ever happens again that he can be assured it is the end of the relationship, you will call the police and have him arrested and have a protective order in place when he gets out of jail.

This is also an indication that he may not be able to be trusted around your child. This is a grave and disturbing issue to act out violently against someone who is helpless to defend themselves. Disgusting cowards who do this usually continue to do it.

If you do give him a second chance be very cautious and make sure he understands he has used up all the tolerance there is for that behavior.

NEVER AGAIN!

A note for positiveparent: Wanted to agree with your post but got the spread the rep... Just wanted to say... You Rock!

OK OP Ive just read your other posts on here, and I Am not saying this lightly, I mean this, you must get yourself and your child, as far away from this man as soon as you can, yes he is dangerous, he's already been accusing you of sleeping around, and he's not a child he's 40 you're 30, or that's what is in your other posts, Please get away from him, phone the police, ask them if they can put you in touch with the DVNH, or the local area office for whatever state you are in.

Can you maybe go to stay with family until you've contacted DVNH? If possible wait until your partner is at work then leave. Don't tell him what you are doing just get your child and do it, at the safest earliest time.

Don't forgive him and yes it would definitely get much worse, leave him now.

The police will know what you mean by DVNH.

If he has marked you make sure the police are informed and he's reported, don't let him get away with hurting you, prosecute him..

Here is the number you need to call, I believe it's a free phone number, or they'll call your right back.

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

Links here for USA sites
USA site
http://www.eadv.net/
USA site 2
http://www.endabuse.org/

Quote:

Originally Posted by martinizing2

Abuse and violence cannot be tolerated. The fact it happened even once is a red flag with lights, bells, sirens and whistles.

I would suggest that in order to continue in the relationship you demand counseling and/or anger management.

Couple this with a vow that if it ever happens again that he can be assured it is the end of the relationship, you will call the police and have him arrested and have a protective order in place when he gets out of jail.

This is also an indication that he may not be able to be trusted around your child. This is a grave and disturbing issue to act out violently against someone who is helpless to defend themselves. Disgusting cowards who do this usually continue to do it.

If you do give him a second chance be very cautious and make sure he understands he has used up all the tolerance there is for that behavior.

NEVER AGAIN!

A note for positiveparent: Wanted to agree with your post but got the spread the rep.......Just wanted to say... You Rock!

Thank You pp.

If you ask me, hitting is unforgivable. If he can hit you once, he can always hit you again. Marriage is a big step. Take it wisely. If he is the type of guy who hits then definitely he'l hit the kids as well. And I bet no one can tolerate that. Think hard. Talk to your parents or your siblings. Tell them what has happened.

I too read your other posts. There is no question. It is time to go.

You are not dealing with a normal thinking person. He has acted out violently , and from what you say in the other posts he is stupid and suspicious and looking for things to be wrong.

I too believe you are in imminent danger and need to take action now. Not in the morning, not after you have coffee, but now.

Consider calling 911.

Listen to me. The following was my life when I was very young and it will be yours if you don't get out.

One.. You are shocked the first time he hits you. He crys and says it's because he loves you so much.

Two.. He promises it won't happen again.. but it does and it will for you also.

Three... He isolates you from your family and friends. This a way of controlling you. He doesn't want anyone to know what's going on.

Four... You start believing it's your fault,you must have done something, you just don't know what.

Five... He brainwashes you into thinking he is the only one you need. No one else will have you.
You're either too fat, too skinny,
Too quiet, too loud. Anything to to degrade you.

Sex is a make up device for him a make up device.. for you it's degrading and you feel ashamed the things he forces you .

Seven.. You know when he drives in the garage what kind of mood he's in. If he's happy you have a good time.

Eight... You walk around on eggshells fearing you will say or do something which will set him off.

Nine.. He resents the baby, takes too much of your attention away from him.

Ten.. The slapping and hitting turn into to beatings. You go to different Emergency Rooms every time because the doctors have started to question your story of falling down the steps or running into a door.

Eleven.. You have scars inside and out and he keeps on and on and finally when he yells and sreams and starts on the baby.. you get the guts to fight back and he gets the scars.

Twelve... You leave with your child and go home or to a friend or a shelter... but your free.

Ask yourself ;where will I be next year and if he kills me where will my child be.

You'll be a statistic and that baby will be raised by someone other than you.l

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...lp-484154.html

Get the heck away from him for your own safety and that of your child. The last thing you need is to keep this a secret and have the false hope he will change. Everything points to him getting worse, so you need a safe place to be and with him ain't it. Time to talk to your family and get there help and support. He is sick, very, very, sick and above all DANGEROUS!

Hello g:

Forgiving him is fine. Forgetting what he did is not. And, putting yourself and your children in a position for him to do it again, is DEFINITELY not OK. If he hit you once, he'll hit you again.

Go.

excon

Don't let him fool you. He is a master manipulator.

The accusations of infidelity make you feel dirty.

You know you've never been with anyone else and so does he, just another form of abuse.

Talk to the ex wife..

No you cannot trust him. He may never hit you again, but you're always going to be ducking and worried that if he blows his steam again he is going to hit you.

He broke that trust.. He did something unforgivable.

In all honesty, its up to you if you want to forgive him. If my boyfriend hit me.. We would no longer be talking.

You can get as mad as you want at someone.. but to lash out in violence is a big no no.

Do not deal with it and do not tolerate it. He screwed up. He could have talked to you about his feelings, not lash out.

I hope you make the right choice for yourself.

Good luck

I have to spread the rep but I agree with every poster in this thread,

OP you must get out asap, Please, your and your child's life are in danger whilst you associate with this person...

It’s always scary to have someone lay a hand on you, but it is a real shock when it comes from someone you love and trust. For a relationship, it is always a serious sign when it gets physical, no matter what the circumstances.

There is NEVER AN EXCUSE for abuse! I would look at what happened as a big danger sign. It might not progress into more violence, but usually these things do not occur only once. In other words, if it happened once, it will probably happen again.

If you take this lightly and quickly “forgive him”, it will become more likely that it will occur again, because you will be condoning the behavior. He’ll know that he can get by with it and you’ll just “forgive” him.

I personally wouldn’t forgive his actions unless he goes into some therapy that gets to the root of the problem.

There are so many things I could tell you to do and I don't think you will listen.

You haven't responded, so we don't know what you're going to do.

I hope you have left him. He will get worse and that child will grow up seeing him abuse you.

He doesn't love you! He doesn't know how to love anyone. He thinks you are a possession an object he chose.

Please get your child and leave. Please

He's done it this time, he'll say sorry,promise faithfully that it will not happen again... it will... over and over if you let it.

He'll promise to change... he won't... when a man hits a woman, it's something that comes from within, like it's part of their makeup something they cannot change.

Whether you make the decision now to leave or several beatings down the line, eventually you will go. Save yourself a lot of pain for yourself and your child, get out now.

I didn't have time to read the whole thread, sorry - but what I want to say is there is no excuse for violence, never, ever. In a long run, you'd be better off without him. Tell friends and family what he's done, keep some cash and change of clothes for you and your child, collect important documents and be prepared to leave immediately if needed, because your life may be in danger.

Suspicious, Critical

A victim of spousal abuse may feel that she is constantly being picked on and is unable to make decisions for herself. An abusive partner may try
to control what his spouse wears and where she goes, suggests the Mayo Clinic. An abusive partner may accuse his spouse of being unfaithful or cheating on him, even if there are no grounds for this suspicion. According to the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness, an abusive partner may make the victim feel that "nothing you ever do is good enough."

Physically Abusive
Physical abuse is the most apparent type of spousal abuse, because bruises can be seen by friends and family members. If a victim makes no effort to hide frequent and unexplained injuries, she may be calling out for help. An abuser may also abuse her spouse physically without any signs of injury. For instance, a spouse who forces her partner to have sex against his will is performing physical abuse. An abuser may make her victim feel that her outward expression of anger is the fault of the victim, and that he drove her to act out violently

This means boyfriends also.

I am worried about your first line, where you take any fault in him hitting you. There is nothing ( except self defense) that would require hitting. There is nothing you could say, or actions you do in your life , he is to leave or walk away, not hit.

The worry I have is that battered ( physical and emotional) women end up blaming themselves all the time, making excuses why it was their fault. Hitting is not your fault, it is his.

Does your partner:

ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can't win? Damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change... especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

Verbal Abuse source: Pat Stubbs
The consequences of emotional and verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional and verbal abuse may cause long term self esteem issues.

Listed below are some examples of emotional and verbal abuse:
When a person is threatened, intimidated, humiliated, yelled at, or blamed, and made to feel inferior or stupid;
Constant emotional or verbal assaults that make someone feel sad, worthless and/or unwanted;
Name calling, making them feel crazy, playing mind games, and blame shifting;
Using words and feelings to strike out, embarrass, shame, insult or reject;
May include excessive, aggressive or unreasonable demands that are beyond a persons capacity;
Constant criticizing, belittling, insulting, and rejecting are all examples of emotional and verbal abuse.

Emotional and verbal abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life. Emotional and verbal abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth.

As children we are taught, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" in a sing song rhyme. That rhyme could not be further from the truth. The principle behind the message was to teach children physical violence shouldn't be used when someone calls you a name. The deeper message though teaches children to tolerate verbal abuse. By the time survivors become adults, the message to accept and tolerate verbal abuse is ingrained almost into our souls. Many times survivors themselves can not even recognize it.

What Is Abuse?
Abuse is a pattern of behavior that a person uses to try to control or dominate another person. Abuse does not have to be physical. The consequences of emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional abuse may cause long term self esteem issues.

Listed below are some examples of emotional abuse:
When a person is threatened, intimidated, humiliated, yelled at, or blamed, and made to feel inferior or stupid;

Constant emotional or verbal assaults that make someone feel sad, worthless and/or unwanted;

Name calling, making them feel crazy, playing mind games, and blame shifting;
Using words and feelings to strike out, embarrass, shame, insult or reject;
May include excessive, aggressive or unreasonable demands that are beyond a persons capacity;

Constant criticizing, belittling, insulting, and rejecting are all examples of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life. Emotional abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth.

The most widely known and understood type of abuse is physical. But there are many types, equally as devastating as physical battery.
This one is: Verbal Abuse

The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.
yelled at called names
nagged at called racial slurs
called stupid told no one else would want me
talked to as a child constant put-downs
ridiculed appearance threatened to kill me
threatened to take the children belittled important things I accomplished
told me I was stupid, ugly, dumb said I was an unfit mother
embarrassed me in public told the children I was disgusting
said I was a bad sex partner always screams at the children

There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They include:

Withholding: If there is a relationship, then there must be an exchange of information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal abuser may go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful interaction.

Jokes: This type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.

Trivializing: Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to detest as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestions.

Judging and criticizing: Usually this type of verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's feelings are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never satisfied...."; You're too sensitive.. "; "You don't know what you're talking about... "

Blocking and Diverting: This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished. Examples of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;" "Just drop it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?", etc.

Other types of verbal abuse include name calling, threatening, denial, undermining and ordering. All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

Ok, fast forward twenty years. Your daughter is married, with a small child, a daughter, let's say that she is 5. Your daughter comes over one day with a black eye. She tells you that her husband hit her. What do you suggest that she do?

If it's not OK for your daughter, it's not OK for you.

Be safe at all costs. Things like this have a progressive nature. Don't let him "love" you to death.

May God keep you from harm.

I hope that you have two big, protective, brothers.

I'm sitting here tonight thinking .

You are going to marry this man.

You know he's a monster because you've witnessed his temper along time be for he hit you.

You think once you're married he'll change. He won't I promise.

You're marrying him because you want your child to have a home.

Two loving parents who adore that child. Don't let yourself think
It will all turn out happy, it won't.

When he starts abusing you mentally and physically you'll want to die. You won't because you love that child more than anything and you will live for her.

After a few months you'll start spending a lot of time alone. You and your child. At first you'll hate it, then you start to look forward to the times he's not there.

There will be other women and drinking and lying. He'll blame you.

I could name a hundred things that will happen cause I've lived it.

I'm asking you to do this; if you marry this man and I think you will
Because you think you can change him. You won't and you can't.

Remember this.. we're here... please let us know what you decide to do.

Think and think long and hard about what you will be taking your child into.

Blessings to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1800proof

Once it starts, it is so hard for them to stop. I was in an abusive relationship, and it started with her slapping me across the face when we were just dating. After marriage, it got worse, escalating to scratching, biting, punching, and kicking. We have 2 children together and are now going through divorce. I wish I had done it sooner because no one deserves to be put through that. It is humiliating, demeaning, and it affected so many other aspects of my life. I hope that you can find the strength to walk away before it gets worse. No one has the right to physically hurt you.

I'm agree too..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

I'm sitting here tonight thinking .

You are going to marry this man.

You know he's a monster because you've witnessed his temper along time be for he hit you.

You think once you're married he'll change. He won't i promise.

You're marrying him because you want your child to have a home.

Two loving parents who adore that child. Don't let yourself think
it will all turn out happy, it won't.

When he starts abusing you mentally and physically you'll want to die. You won't because you love that child more than anything and you will live for her.

after a few months you'll start spending a lot of time alone. You and your child. At first you'll hate it, then you start to look forward to the times he's not there.

There will be other women and drinking and lying. He'll blame you.

I could name a hundred things that will happen cause I've lived it.

I'm asking you to do this; if you marry this man and I think you will
because you think you can change him. You won't and you can't.

Remember this..we're here...please let us know what you decide to do.

Think and think long and hard about what you will be taking your child into.

Blessings to you.

Damn... Wish I could just hit this kind of man until her mother don't regocnize him...
I prefer you to leave that guy... I know its hard for you and your child but look around you and there must be someone that support you..
Friends,relatives.. you are not alone,just don't marry with him... you'll more suffer and longer... and at the very end of the story,50% that your child future is dark to have a family like this...

Guys Thank You all for your responses, I spoke to him yesterday, and from listening to his words I honestly doubt this was the first and the last, I do love him but I just cannot stand an abuser I told him I will walk away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaman

Guys Thank You all for your responses, I spoke to him yesterday, and from listening to his words I honestly doubt this was the first and the last, I do love him but I just cannot stand an abuser I told him I will walk away.

I'm so glad. Please know we are here. God Bless you and keep you and your little one safe... Kit

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaman

Guys Thank You all for your responses, I spoke to him yesterday, and from listening to his words I honestly doubt this was the first and the last, I do love him but I just cannot stand an abuser I told him I will walk away.

Good move gaman.. dont give up to life cause we still have a long journey and have many good things to do.. :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Ok, fast forward twenty years. Your daughter is married, with a small child, a daughter, let's say that she is 5. Your daughter comes over one day with a black eye. She tells you that her husband hit her. What do you suggest that she do?

If it's not OK for your daughter, it's not OK for you.

Be safe at all costs. Things like this have a progressive nature. Don't let him "love" you to death.

May God keep you from harm.

I hope that you have two big, protective, brothers.

I Have to agree with this. My aunty is abused by her husband. He hits her and his children.

My cousin get into a relationship with a man they have a baby and he starts hitting her the last stray was when he hit her while she was holding the baby. Naturally my aunty tells my uncle who straight away goes to collect her and her daughter and while he is doing that bashes the man. What we tried to tell my Aunty is why does she want to get her daughter straight out of the situation and not do it for her self as well?

So my aunty is still with him with a 11 year old kid who was conceived by him raping her. Now all her kids treat her like she is dirt because their father does. He is sleeping with the trashing next door neighbour.

He controls her life she doesn't even know what bank accounts she has as he makes her sign paper and hides everywhere but the sign box.

Is this the kind of life you want for yourself and your child? Because that's what's going to happen.

I have seen what abuse does to people and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone!

**just realised that your leaving... Thank you for putting yourself and your child first!

Stay strong and stay with your decision to walk away.