You have now done no contact, You are no longer in the needy, desperate unatractive stage, no longer hounding, harassing or stalking your ex. So you are no longer pushing them away. Now you need to REBUILD the relationship if not to late.


ATTITUDE – Get an attitude adjustment first. Lighten up and do a 180-degree about face. Read the Sunday comics, grab an old comic book, turn on the Comedy channel, watch funny videos or DVDs. Get in a better mood and pass it along to your mate. Invite your mate to tune in to comedy with you, too.

2. FRIENDSHIP – Go back to being friends for starters now that you’re in a good mood. Forget the love stuff, if you want. And just focus on being good friends; share compliments, do things for one another, go out and have fun together, enjoy one another’s company.

3. RELAX – Let your hair down. Trust and relax. Be yourself. Don’t let old wounds open or fester. Forget the garbage memories and just be in the here and now together.

4. TIME OUT – If possible, spend extra time together for awhile, like during your original courting days. Hire a sitter, order out, eat at fast food places, grab ice cream cones and go for walks in the park. Get to know each other all over again. That’s the key. Then you’ll remember why you fell for each other in the beginning and history will hopefully repeat itself.

5. COMMUNICATION – Take it slow and easy. Keep away from subjects that you don’t agree upon. And slowly re-learn to communicate with each other all over again. If necessary, and it’s not a crime or shame – get help. Seek a trusted friend or adviser, a church clergy member or certified professional counselor. No need to go it alone. Find your weak areas and how to over come them and plan for future communication difficulties.

6. GOALS – Gradually develop goals together so you’ll have a direction to head. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to HAVE goals together and work towards a common goal.

7. SCRAP BOOK – Create a memory album together. Add photos, clippings, menus and anything that reminds you of the “good times.” Then when tough times comes, you’ll have something to “hold on to” – your bridge to romance.

So don’t just sit back and sulk. Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life’s problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship

Acknoledgement of others.


For all those who recognise parts of this thread. I am trying to provide from the help and advice of others a single direction and answers for everyone.

The information provided here has been taken from the very wise experts on here, who have helped me in my time of need.

Thank you all
4answers.

PS. If anything can be added to make these more appropriate please do so. Lets help others as they have helped us.

Yes I think that sounds good... after the months of no contact of course...

So has anyone tried all this??

Or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

so has anyone tried all this???

or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??????????????

---

I'm married now but when a girlfriend and I broke up that was it for me, no trying to get back together, no reminiscing, etc. Basically I'm of the feeling that if it's not mutual then what's the point. I'd stay single for a while, enjoy myself and something always came along. No drama required.

I think that reconciling might also depend on how deep the relationship was... I mean if it was a few months or maybe ayear with a lot of fighting, then what's the point and why would you miss that... If it were a long time with a lot invested and a deep relationship, then I would see why to reconcile... I have never done this, but I'm hoping it will work for me now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

so has anyone tried all this???

or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??????????????

---

Rol -
I successfully worked out the old one Rol but with different circumstances and actions involved. It was a separation instead of a break and the efforts involved were considerably more substantinal and directed at relationship issues than the generalized ones listed here. The information here seems like something out of a magazine from the 70's. I think we know so much more these days and aren't taken in so easily. As Dr Phil would say, how's this working for you? "Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life's problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship." You can certainly try this but I just don't think it will work since its generalized to the point of ineffective. Its not based in reality since it contends that you still have a relationship, its not identifying the specific problems (and they do vary), and not concrete enough in its plan for change. It would be better suited for dating advise-- now there is a lost art! But you are on to the real test of it Rol. Stuff that comes out of books and magazines is only useful if it holds up in the real world.

4answers -
Its only fair that the original author/source be given credit for any cut & pasted material. Hopefully who posted it here to begin with can tell us who that is?

HAHA.. I don't know if Dr. Phil is always the right person for advice!

<<It was a separation instead of a break and the efforts involved were considerably more substantinal and directed at relationship issues than the generalized ones listed here.>>

Exactly those issues are fundamental befiore getting back together again..

So in my case after he dropped the bombshell in May that he needed time to think and that he we could start over again from scratch eventually, and that it was not a breakup and not a short break, that he needed to reinvent his life .I did this above approach.

As I was trying to be understanding I didn't badger him with any question when we would get together,

So we would meet and have a great time laughing and having fun.

He rang and we met every month or so.

In August (the day after our 'supposed wedding') we spent the whole day together and night. He was the one who made the moves and as I thought we were getting back together(big mistake I didn't ask any questions!! )

Then we had arranged to got to a concert a few days after and when we met he was distant again so then I kind of flared up and told him OK I need space now and he said no no.

Then his mother came and we all went out for dinner like nothing had happened!

(im wondering how I was so patient actually now looking back!! )

And then in October the last time we talked he would also have made some moves but I had to talk and ask finally what we were doing...

So the approach could work if you are very strong... and depending a lot on the situation.

And my question is also will I eventually go back to doing that again now that I know where exactly where I stand and when I get fully whole again and discussing the deep issues as Val said..

And I really wish I had found this website in May instead of October.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

<<
i really wish i had found this website in May instead of October.

---

Here here

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NJCUTIE77

HAHA.. I don't know if Dr. Phil is always the right person for advice!

---

Look, did I say he was? No. You missed the point. I simply questioned (using Dr Phil's way of questioning) how well the suggestion that was offered was going to work. It is a valid thing to question, is it not? What constructive thing did you mean with your confused and confusing remark here?

And Rol, we have talked some about what happened in your relationship and I thought where we left it, you identified some very specific problems on your side of the equation. Sidetrack into this all you like, if that's what you are doing (I am not really sure what you are doing LOL) but it won't change the problems that you identified nor will it solve them. So what is your question to me here?

My question is .
Do you think that if I get my issues together and try and uncover why I helped to create a dependent relationship... and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? Could this be fixed ?

And if I had come here in May what advice would you have offered? Would it be the above?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

my question is .
Do you think that if i get my issues together and try and uncover why i helped to create a dependent relationship...and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? could this be fixed ?

and if i had come here in May what advice would you have offered? would it be the above?

---

I'm sure it's possible. But after you've been through so much and made so many positive changes to yourself, the real question becomes will you want to?

I don't think it is impossible to get together again with a lost love. The catch in it though is that you whould WANT to get back together. You shouldn't plan it, as that is the same thing as wanting it. If the thread above is interpreted as a "strategy" to win your ex back then you better hold on to the NC thing for a few more months. But, in fact, if you will get back together, it will occur in that way.
Actually I have a great example for this. A friend of mine (female) dumped her boyfriend of 3 years when she was 18 yrs old. Basically because she was going to college and wanted to enjoy life while she was young. There were some other issues too but this was the main one. This guy was obviously heartbroken, he begged, he cried, he called all the time etc. All in vain. However, even though she didn't want him back, the girl never stopped "loving" him and they maintained close contact. Off course the consequences of being friends while one of the partners want to be more than a friend results in even more heartbreak. When she would have a relationship with another man, this guy would always give her a hard time because he couldn't let it go. Eventually, it came to a point when my friend was sort of "disgusted" by her ex's needy behaviour and at that point, she thought it was over for good. Sooo, 5 (!) years later, this guy finally pulls himself together and gets over it.He has a new long-term girlfriend and is just doing fine. Now here it comes: when my friend saw that her ex was suddenly over her and doing fine, she suddenly realized that he had "changed". She did everything that was in her pwer to get him back again, which wasn't really easy and it didn't work out too. I'm just giving this example to say that everything is possible. But you shouldn't worry about it so much. "Do not worry about things falling into place, where they fall, is the right place"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JDOP

I don't think it is impossible to get together again with a lost love. The catch in it though is that you whould WANT to get back together. You shouldn't plan it, as that is the same thing as wanting it. If the thread above is interpreted as a "strategy" to win your ex back then you better hold on to the NC thing for a few more months. But, in fact, if you will get back together, it will occur in that way.
"

---

No contact does allow you to emotionaly withdraw and gain control of your emotions and if done long enouth the feelings will diminish as other higher value things enter you life, i.e. time is a great healer.

But here is a thought: If you were originally attracted to the person enough to want to go out with them, then you displayed this in your interactions with them.

If you parted because of something other than the loss of these feelings. Then no contact will get you over the desperation and neediness back to where you started. i.e. you are still attracted to the person.

So start again, without the mistake / issues of the past.

( Is it really right to kill of your feelings for someone if the relationship did not end due to lack of feelings ? ).

And what if the relationship ends due to someone outside having influence and ending it... the stress is too much and therefore the ex needed the break?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

my question is .
Do you think that if i get my issues together and try and uncover why i helped to create a dependent relationship...and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? could this be fixed ?

and if i had come here in May what advice would you have offered? would it be the above?

---

I think those issues are best handled while there still IS a relationship and with the guidance of a professional counselor. And even then its hard and it doesn't always work out. To ask this of you two after its over and without professional help seems to me like you are asking "the man with the broken legs to run the 100 yard dash" -- its almost an unkind thing to say to you "go for it" to me. You have a big desire to be hopeful here and while you have that desire you are probably not seeing things so clearly. The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.

Had you come here in May, I probably would have employed the same process I did now, found the same problems and recognising how big they are, suggested seeing a counselor together. We do that all the time here because it's the best answer. LOL

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

and i really wish i had found this website in May instead of October.

---

You an me both rol, except me in September instead of the end of October... Never mind, I found it now and I even found Mr Miagi's wise wife to point me in the right direction... LOL

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

I'm sure it's possible. But after you've been through so much and made so many positive changes to yourself, the real question becomes will you want to?

---

Also rol, if you subsequently discover that nothing has really changed on his part, you may find that you don't really want to sort it all out. Someone could then end up getting hurt again and his feeling count as yours do..

I know you know this rol but just pointing it out...

Here's one 4answers,

Can lack of feelings or undertainty about how the dumper feels reignite feelings once the dumper has gone fishing and realised that the one they left behind was actually good for them?

I think I speak from my perspective of what happened to me. I still don't think it would work out anyway, even if she did learn that... Damage done..

Anyway, what do you think?

<<The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.
>>

I've seen such a story on another board.. he replied to me in fact as he thought our situations were very similar... his girlfriend left him after 4 years to find her independence,he initiated NC right away, 5 months of it. He worked on himself and 2 years later they got back together and he said it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 4answers

So start again, without the mistake / issues of the past.

---

There is the big lie people tell themselves. That coming together will be different and it isn't, not without substantial and real change that was SPECIFIC to those problems. Otherwise you are shooting in the dark about what the problems were and changing anything you can think of hoping for the best, not knowing. That just doesn't cut it very much of the time, I don't think.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

<<. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.

---

Yes that would be good.


As far as two people getting together after no contact, I would guess that both have to communicate more than they did in the first place.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

<<The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.
>>

ive seen such a story on another board..he replied to me in fact as he thought our situations were very similiar...his girlfriend left him after 4 years to find her independence,he initiated NC right away, 5 months of it. he worked on himself and 2 years later they got back together and he said it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.

---

LOL You still aren't hearing me or getting it. Gosh Rol anyone can say that happened to them so a story about it isn't going to help me. I want to be able to ask questions to 1) verify it happened as we are thinking it did and 2) to find out what information we all might be missing about how its done - very crucial stuff, I would think?? :p

Well u can go and check the link and ask the nice guy to come here and tell us all!! :))

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

well u can go and check the link and ask the nice guy to come here and tell us all!!! :))

---

I think val is trying to say that you shouldn't think that what happened to that other guy will automatically happen to you. You need to let go of the hope you have of getting back with your SO. Using the success stories of others to validate your own hope of reconciliation doesn't help, and will hurt all the more when it doesn't come true.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

<<The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.
>>

ive seen such a story on another board..he replied to me in fact as he thought our situations were very similiar...his girlfriend left him after 4 years to find her independence,he initiated NC right away, 5 months of it. he worked on himself and 2 years later they got back together and he said it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.

---

Who is this guy rol, it would be interesting to get him into the discussion...

I agree with val also that sometimes a story has much more to it and nothing is black an white..

But rol, who is he?? Maybe he can provide insight...

<<I think val is trying to say that you shouldn't think that what happened to that other guy will automatically happen to you. You need to let go of the hope you have of getting back with your SO. Using the success stories of others to validate your own hope of reconciliation doesn't help, and will hurt all the more when it doesn't come true.>>

NO I am not thinking that AT ALL!! AND VAL does seem to be deperately asking for someone to come and tell their success story> isn't it Val? So that she can ask a few questions

But rol, who is he?? Maybe he can provide insight...

I've sent him a message to come and tell about what happened.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

<<I think val is trying to say that you shouldn't think that what happened to that other guy will automatically happen to you. You need to let go of the hope you have of getting back with your SO. Using the success stories of others to validate your own hope of reconciliation doesn't help, and will hurt all the more when it doesn't come true.>>

NO i am not thinking that AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND VAL does seem to be deperately asking for someone to come and tell their success story> isnt it Val? so that she can ask a few questions

---

LOL I am not the one who is desperate Rol. I have a relationship and its working fine. I am suggesting that people hurting from a break up may be desperate and out of that desperation believe all kinds of things that don't have enough meat in them to warrant that kind of trust and belief. It's a long known fact that there is nothing the snake oil hawker likes better than some good old fashioned down home desperation.

Hmmmmm,

Success stories can create false hope and the belief that we can replicate the same outcome in our own situation.

At the end of the day, this creates a more painful situation where we struggle to find hope when there really isn't any.

Not directing this at anyone specifically, I am just providing a statement that focuses more on reality than fantasy..

I'm sure there are success stories and in fact I partly saw one in my own life with a friend years ago.

Well, he met his fianc&#233; really young, at 19, she was 17, they were together for 2 years, split up for 1 year, got back together again for 1 year, split up again for 6 months, got back together again for 6 months, got married and have been married for the last 3 years. I have not seen him for 3 years and yet bumped into him a few months back and guess what he said??

"Geoff, I'm married now and separated"

So I ask myself, was this a success story or some kind of twisted relationship based on a compulsion to split up and get back together again... I put it down to him being young when he met her and her vise versa yet he basically spent the first 10 years of his adult life breaking up and getting back together with the same person...

Don't ask me, who knows what goes through some peoples minds...

<<snake oil hawker likes better than some good old fashioned down home desperation.
>>

Ha ha what??
OK folks I'm off home, talk to ye on Monday! Have a nice weekend :)

I would have to disagree... I don't really think that someone hurting is let's say "desperate"... I would say maybe confused as to what had happened in sudden breakups and therefore maybe need to have closure for themselves... Everyone has hope... I think that if people didn't have hope (no matter what situation), I think that person doesn't always feel with their heart. You need have have hope sometimes...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NJCUTIE77

I would have to disagree... I don't really think that someone hurting is let's say "desperate".... I would say maybe confused as to what had happenned in sudden breakups and therefore maybe need to have closure for themselves.... Everyone has hope... i think that if people didn't have hope (no matter what situation), I think that person doesn't always feel with their heart. You need have have hope sometimes....

---

I didn't say that they all were desperate. I used the word "may" knowing that it meant some might be, some might not be.

As for confusion, here is what everyone who has been left knows: there was a problem big enough to end the relationship over**. Now often ex's don't help in clarifiying -- that's for sure. But what many people who were left immeditately do instead of dealing with that** is they look for anything else they can deal with to distract themselves from the terrible truth. It's a kind of defense reaction, understandable too since they have been hurt. And that really adds to the confusion. But when that part of it goes on too long, they begin confusing who is adding the confusion-- them or the ex. And then all kinds of blame to the ex begins, some of which ISN'T their fault. Oy. And around and around it goes.

Hope is good but its better if its grounded in reality, in truth, in realistic things, don't you think? False hope is a way to delay the pain, sure but here is the clincher-- it increases the real pain you eventually feel tenfold. Now who you going to blame for that? So if you haven't gone through some sorting process by which you have separated fasle hope (wishful thinking) from realistic hope, well what then?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Hope is good but its better if its grounded in reality, in truth, in realistic things, don't you think? False hope is a way to delay the pain, sure but here is the clincher-- it increases the real pain you eventually feel tenfold. Now who you gonna blame for that? So if you haven't gone through some sorting process by which you have seperated fasle hope (wishful thinking) from realistic hope, well what then?

---

Mrs Myagi,

You know I have utmost respect for your knowledge and answers.

May I ask a question though..

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?

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Ahhh touché Geoff... that is something we all would desperately like to be able to see with our own eyes.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Mrs Myagi,

you know I have utmost respect for your knowledge and answers.

May I ask a question though..?

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?

---

Dear Geofferson-san,
There are many ways. My favorite is to look closely at my hope, find the belief in it and examine it carefully with both intuition (born out of experience) and the discernment I talked about in Post #7 in the other thread:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...her-48712.html

Hope is a continuum that has very realistic hope on one end and false hope on the other. You can, of course, play the long odds of doubtful hope any time you wish -- just be sure to know that you are so when it doesn't work out, you can take it gracefully.

Some situations require more time than others to discern when the hope is false. I will give an example:
I worked at a Non-profit organization for twelve years that is governed by an elected board. Each year half the board is up for election and usually replaced with new people. It is an alll volunteer organization and I was the sole employee. The people on the board were often terrible (out of inexperience) and sometimes I would complain about some of their destructive actions. In the beginning they listened to me because they hired me while they were in trouble (long story I am leaving out).

When I was hired it had a financial reserve of $1,000 which I almost singularly built to $10,000 in three years, which is not a lot to begin with for the size of this business, by the way. But they stopped listening to me as new boards came along. They did not pass on the "value" of listening to me. Every time a new half board was elected, I hoped anew as I watched them slowly ruin the business and listen to me less and less. It slowly decline to less than $2,000. That was when the dishonesty about it started. I then realised new boards make no difference, I can do nothing to change the obvious direction and hope was indeed false. So I worked hard to get myself replaced and quit. You could say it took me nine years to figure out I needed to move my belief from realistic hope to false hope and that would be fair. One could argue that I left too soon, if they return to their profitable ways, and I would shrug and wonder if it didn't somehow take me leaving for that to occur too. At any rate, I had seen enough.

However people who are on the backside of a break up don't have that kind of time and have far less to work with. And so discernment needs to be faster and its also much easier by having less to work with! Look at the facts you do have, look at what goes on in the world, and then ask yourself what can you point to specifically that has "Oh but this is the exception to the rule!" written all over it. If you cannot make a reasonable argument to yourself about why or even how this is going to be the exception, then I believe its best to acknowledge that and adjust hope accordingly. Ask any really successful person about hope as an element in their successes and they'll be able to give you a long list of things that must accompany it because hope alone won't get you there.

Good question that I hope LOL I have answered?

Love,
Mrs Miyagi

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Mrs Myagi,

you know I have utmost respect for your knowledge and answers.

May I ask a question though..?

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?

---

Good question geoff,
First you have to be healthy. Healthy enough to look at things and see what they are, not what you want them to be. Healthy enough to make decisions based on facts not fantasy. Healthy enough to see when a red flag blows in the wind and can make the decision to examine it and take the warning instead of jumping head long into something you know is foolish, but hope it works. Healthy enough to see yourself, for who you are, and to live life on its own terms. Healthy enough to make judgements concerning your well being, and not some foolish hope. I will admit that this is also a product of experience and growing. Healthy people do not build a life based on the unknown, they build it according to what they know, about life, people, the world around them, and what they know about themselves. The more you know about yourself, the harder for someone to use, abuse, and misuse you. Do you ever notice that healthy things GROW, and unhealthy things DIE? The key to life is to be healthy, happy and steadily growing. Anything else is BS. There's much more but being healthy is a good start.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The more you know about yourself, the harder for someone to use, abuse, and misuse you. .

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Wow. Anyone know a good engraver? Need to get that one engraved in my brain or anywhere that is feasible.

Terrific Tal... & thank you.

Kind of like this then...

Good judgement of how the world works, what happens in the real world from what you know of it either through experience or good judgement or both will determine how quickly false hope can be relaced with realistic hope or a realistic outcome..

:confused: myself writing this..

LOL

I think I know what I meant but I think a few heads may be scratched here..