Sneezy here.

Oh boy, it's been a while since I've asked a question, but perhaps you wiser folks could give me some sort of wisdom.

So, I have a girlfriend. Things have been, for a lack of a better word, fantastic. Can't really complain much about the relationship.

I'm back here for the summer break, and we agreed on some bullet points for the summer... how often we should talk, how often we'll see one another, etc. And in all honesty, it went well.

I'm going back to school in a month, so I decided that I would take a month off from work to vacation and such... and what better place to go than to see my girlfriend?

So I "moved"... for a month. Rented a place, etc. The reasons I came here are not exactly solely for her. You see, my girlfriend (through her connections) offered me a position to work in a hospital part time. So the reasons I'm here is due to:

1. the hospital
2. to see her
3. vacation

Well, the day before I came here, her parents snooped around and found our chat conversations that weren't... well, kosher. I agree, any parent would be upset to find these things, so I'm not really disagreeing with them. What I am disagreeing with them on is that they have put her on intensive lockdown: no phone, no car, no computer. Nothing.

Might I remind my readers that I am 24, and she is 22... we are both in medical school.

So, I get that they're upset... I get that, but to place a grown woman in lockdown seems a little... overkill. Regardless, what's done is done, and I am now stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. No job, no transportation (the girlfriend was to handle this portion), no way of seeing the girlfriend, and certainly no vacation.

I'm getting by OK... I'm a big boy, and I'll be just fine. However, I need some of the parents' opinion on this. If you found out about the boyfriend, and you knew that your daughter were to leave for school in a month, wouldn't you rather invite the guy over to have a talk with him? Get to know him a little? Try to figure out if he's an axe murderer?

Now, I'm not saying that they shouldn't be upset. I completely understand that they are. I'm assuming that their method of placing her on lockdown is to... prevent her from reaching me, in hopes that... we'll break up? I'm not entirely sure.


Oh, to add... she wants to move out, however, in a brilliant scheme by her parents, they took her money before they let her know that they found out about all this. And no, she is not going to take them to court for it... nor is it advised to.

I am able to stay in touch with her via email every now and then... and last week, she took her lunch break from work to see me and we got her a prepaid cell phone so that I can AT LEAST know what's going on.

Hi Isneezefunny

How did your g/f parents find the contets of the chats you had with your girlfriend, and what they contained?

I agree with you it does seem strange them taking the lock down approach, have you not met them officially ?

Maybe you could go to visit them and explain your intentions are honourable with their Daughter, and that you've "moved" to where she is and that its ony for a short period.

Maybe they need to know more about you, and if you were to approach them in this way they would then feel differently about it and you and their daughter would be able to take up your original plans.

If it were my daughter, I would be more inclined to be accommodating if you were to pay myself and her father a visit in this way...


Hope this helps...

Well, the "how" they snooped is a long story that involves several members of the family. Long story short: her computer was turned off, on her bed, and someone VERY nosy decided to turn it on, turn on the chat program, and look for our specific chat.

I have not yet met the parents formally... the meeting was scheduled for when I came down here. The parents DO know about me, hence the suspicion and thus the actions that followed those suspicions.

The conversation was a regular conversation, with a few sweet things inserted (I refuse to quote in an effort to hide my softiness) as well as a few... intimate details. We discussed about birth control options as well as a funny incident that occurred the last time we were intimate with one another.

I talked to the girlfriend about me talking to the parents (it would most likely be a call, as I have no transportation... but if push came to shove, I could get a cab), but her response was, "No. They don't want to see you, they don't want to talk to you, they don't even want to hear your name right now."

Granted, her mother is seemingly... flip-floppy. The other day, she mentioned to the girlfriend that in a few years, if we are still together, marriage may be an option.. . then yesterday, it went back to, "No you may not call him."

I assume you're in the USA, and as such things are very different there to the UK where I am, however everyone in the USA is considered an adult at age 21?

In which case if this is correct then she can basically do as she likes, unless Im wrong on the age 21 part.

If she's considered an adult then she does not have to abide by her parents rule although as she still lives at home then that could mean she's to abide by the rules in that aspect.

Have you tried to phone them yourself?
This does appear to be way over the top actions for a 22yr old having a personal chat with her b/f, its not like they caught you having sex or similar, and in real terms her private chats with you are her business.


Tricky one this, there are parents who are owed respect for being just that, there's your g/f boundaries and privacy which have been abused or ignored.

Your g/f is the one really who needs to take a stand over this with her parents.

Can she maybe talk this through with them and tell them that she wants to see you.

Im trying to think of other angles you could possibly use. Ill get back to you...

In the states, 18 is the legal age to be considered an "adult."

You're absolutely right, I think this whole situation is entirely in the hands of my girlfriend now.

Unfortunately, she has strict parents. You can't change her parents' parental style. The first step is to accept her parents' wishes. As long as she's living in her home, she has to follow certain rules, regardless of how old she is.

Moving out is a definite option, but she will have to figure out how to accomplish that. The best thing you can do is support whatever decision that she makes.

Finally, be more cautious about the conversations that you have, in which there is a written record. You never know when something like this will happen.

She obviously has to leave her house sometimes. So when she's out, try your best to spend time with her. You're going to have to work around her parents temporarily, until her parents regain her trust.

The key is to be patient. If you really care about each other, you can wait it out together.

I agree with everything you say I Wish.

Her parents told her that they don't care if she moves out, but then drained her bank acct so that she can't... so I feel that moving out isn't the best option to take in the long run.

She goes to work in the morning, and stops by to drop off breakfast, we chat during her lunch break on the prepaid phone I got her, and then she stops by in the evening to drop off dinner. So far, I can't complain.

We're "working around" the parents as much as we can without disrespecting her parents too much. We'll catch each other for 10 - 15 minute increments.

I am being patient, honestly, it doesn't really bother me all TOO much, as I am on vacation, technically. I sleep in, I eat, I read, write, watch TV all day... so I can't complain. She feels guilty and she says that if it's too much for me to handle, she'd understand... logically speaking, that won't change a thing for me. I told her that if breaking up will make her life better, I'd understand, and she said that it wouldn't. So we'll be sticking this out. It's only been a week since I've been here, and granted, I've had some boring moments, but I guess I need it sometimes, to take a break. :)

Once you get back to school, you will have more than enough to keep you busy, so enjoy your time off.

As for seeing her, sounds like you're both making the best out of a bad situation. That's a sign of a strong couple. Now quit doubting each other and make the most of the time that you have together.

Spend some time trying to plan something extra special for those 10-15 minutes increments.

Good call on the "something special"... watcha have in mind? Remember that my resources are limited. The closest ANYTHING near me is a 2 mile walk to a local convenience store...

The Girlfriend Needs to tell her parents to give her money back. She needs to change her bank details so they can not take money from her. Then If she pays her phone bill she needs to tell them to give her phone back.

She is 22 not 15. If her parents have these rules while she lives under their roof fine. But they cannot take her money from her. The only money they can touch of hers would be board money.

She can Threaten to take them to court if they don't give it back... Doesn't mean she has to but a threat doesn't hurt.

Also she needs to tell them to stop or she will move out. They can't stop her from leaving she is an adult.

You don't have to buy something. You can invent a fun, short game that you can play together, even a verbal game. Don't need to always think of something so grand.

Mix it up. You know her best. What kind of surprises does she like? Does she like pranks? Take her on a walk in a romantic setting. Take fun pictures together?

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

Good call on the "something special"...watcha have in mind? Remember that my resources are limited. The closest ANYTHING near me is a 2 mile walk to a local convenience store...

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Where ARE you? Is she Asian or from a fundamentalist Christian family? I don't understand the parents' "rules" and punishments. She's been away at college and can do anything she wants there. Even MY ultra-conservative parents loosened up their rules once I had been away at college.

Haha, I'm in the middle of nowhere currently.

She is Asian... and because of her strict upbringing, she went wild in college, then calmed down when she went to medical school. I think the parents are more upset because they think that she kept me a secret, but in her defense, she wanted to see where the relationship was going before she told her parents, and I was supposed to meet her parents sometime this week. Odd how things work out, huh?

Hmm... this is a bit tricky.. its quite normal with a lot of asian parents.. and threatening usually doesn't work.. I am glad you both are trying to work with this situation though.. be patience.. hopefully things will improve soon.. hang in there.. :)

Are they concerned that she will run off and quit medical school?

Unfortunately, it is between her and them. Not only because she lives under their roof, but because she has to show them that she has matured from the wild child.

I am wondering what else they found on her computer and if she has shared the full story with you or if she even has all the details. They may latched on to you as a convient excuse to put their foot down. You may not be the only reason.

Cloud watching can be a very romantic thing to do.

Hi Sneezy, don't really have much of an advice, just wanted to say hi and that I remember your epic battle with NC, which turned out to be a very inspirational story. Good luck and hope things will work out between you and your girlfriend. It's out of your hands pretty much though. Can you rent a car so at least you can get around? Or maybe a bike? How do you get to the hospital now?

Cat: I doubt that... granted, I'm sure that parents are worried that distractions will lead to academic failure. Funny thing is, because we push each other constantly, we actually do better academically when we are together.

You're right about the missing details. At times, I wonder if I'm getting the complete picture...

Shadow: Thanks buddy. I did rent a car the first few days here to get some stuff for my new place, but it cost me quite a bit. I'll be staying for a month, so I don't really have the budget to rent a car for a month (roughly 2k). I'm not working at the hospital currently... because you see... both her parents are doctors... in high places.

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Shadow: Thanks buddy. I did rent a car the first few days here to get some stuff for my new place, but it cost me quite a bit. I'll be staying for a month, so I don't really have the budget to rent a car for a month (roughly 2k). I'm not working at the hospital currently... because you see... both her parents are doctors... in high places.

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Oh I got the "lockdown" part now, lol. Then maybe you could salvage whatever is left of summer break and go back to your home town to spend time with friends and family. Otherwise, sitting there without job or car and barely seeing the girl you came over to spend break with, seems like a waste of time - your plans fell through, so Plan B is needed. You'll make it up to each other when back in school:)

Hey sneeze! Welcome back bud.

It is hard to really understand the control her parents have over her at 22. Although I can understand that love comes in many different packages.

I agree with what has been said, time should cure some of the problems but that doesn't help the present situation.

Hang in there if you love her and she loves you, it will find its own way...

Good to see you and good luck.

Stringer

Sneezy, you know how I feel about all of this, so I won't type out a 5 page post reiterating everything I've already told you. ;)

I think you've gotten great advice here, a mixture, so you have a few things to think over and hopefully everything that's been said can help you decide where to go from here.

In other words. Good luck. :)

Her parents can't stop her from being with you, it all sounds a little odd to me have you thought maybe its something your girlfriend made up? I'm not trying to be mean, I just wander if she is being true to you. I really hope that's not the case and if it's not she should tell her parents to mind there own business.

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Originally Posted by addia2007

Her parents can't stop her from being with you, it all sounds a little odd to me have you thought maybe its something your girlfriend made up? I'm not trying to be mean, I just wander if she is being true to you. I really hope thats not the case and if it's not she should tell her parents to mind there own business.

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Actually, her parents can stop her from seeing him. She lives in their home, they pay for the roof she lives under, the food she eats, everything.

It is a ridiculous situation, because she's 22, not 10, but is it odd enough to be made up? Not at all.

What reason would she have to lie about this? None. If she is, she has serious issues, and knowing Sneezy like I do he would pick up on that. So no. This isn't a lie. In fact, if anything, she's holding back on telling the whole truth, In my opinion.

Telling her parents to mind their own business would be great advice, if she had someplace to go after they kick her out.

Dealing with strict parents who have total control over everything she does may have changed the grand plans for a sweet vacation, and made things really difficult, but see this as a test to know how you both deal with the obstacles that confront you.

It may not be as great as it could be, but stay positive and supportive as she is disappointed also, and is in a very tough position of obeying her parents, who she depends on for everything, and a guy she wants to be with, and planned to.

It is what it is, so enjoy what they do allow for now, (they obviously can't control her that much) and don't let it get to you. This is truly a go with the flow time, in which knowing you like we do, you will, and not put pressure on her, to get what you want.

I think your patience and understanding will pay off soon, as this relationship develops further, after vacation is over, and school starts again. See it as a time to be making some creative adjustments, and enjoy it for what it is. (the cell phone was a very creative adjustment to keep in touch).

Maybe its for the best that you were forced to slowdown a bit, and regroup, but she had better keep better control over things that it may not be best for her parents to know, and you be more careful with your written words as now you know she has SNOOPY strict parents. Another adjustment to make.

You have handled yourself well so far, better than most, and as long as you respect and understand the power her parents have, you will do fine. Maybe not as great as you COULD be doing, bur fine for now, and that's not a bad thing considering the obstacles to overcome. Appreciate her efforts to see you, reassure her guilt, and just keep it real for now, as its not for you to control, or her either.

Sometimes you have to be grateful for the small things, until bigger, and better ones happen.

Thanks tal, I really appreciate it.

At times, because I'm basically stuck in the countryside, and me being a city boy, I've gotten frustrated, but I know how much harder this must be for her, so I haven't said a word. I've been keeping busy reading, writing, watching TV shows that I have missed a while back, and catching up on sleep. She comes by every morning and buys me breakfast and drops by every evening and drops off dinner. She's a sweet gal (did I say gal?)

When she does feel guilty, I reassure her that I am doing fine, staying busy, and she needs not worry about me, and doesn't have to bring me food.

Like you said, I'm going with the flow... I think I'm a pretty laid back kind of guy, so it's not as bad :)

As far as her parents "not being able to control her THAT much," she is allowed to go to work and come back. Her parents check in often at work. On the weekends, she walks to the local library to read and get away from home, but her parents check in every hour (drive by the library) to see if she's there. Ridiculous for a 22 year old? Definitely.

Like you said, tal, as ridiculous as this situation is, we're making the best of it. I kind of see it as a bonding experiment, to see, "hey, if we can get through this, then we should be ok."

Wow, sounds like she's making a huge effort. The last thing you need to do is make her feel guilty. Focus on making her feel appreciated for all the effort that she's putting in.

You guys are definitely making the best of a bad situation.

However, how come you can take her to work and pick her up from work? What about meeting up for lunch? A few extra minutes here and there is always great.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Wow, sounds like she's making a huge effort. The last thing you need to do is make her feel guilty. Focus on making her feel appreciated for all the effort that she's putting in.

You guys are definitely making the best of a bad situation.

However, how come you can take her to work and pick her up from work? What about meeting up for lunch? A few extra minutes here and there is always great.

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I Wish, I think you read that wrong. He can't take her to and from work. She drives herself, but stops off to bring him food before and after work.

Sneezy doesn't have transportation right now. Also, meeting for lunch, in the hospital where she works is a very bad idea. Her parents would definitely find out.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I Wish, I think you read that wrong. He can't take her to and from work. She drives herself, but stops off to bring him food before and after work.

Sneezy doesn't have transportation right now. Also, meeting for lunch, in the hospital where she works is a very bad idea. Her parents would definitely find out.

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My bad.

In that case, Sneezy, you guys really are making the most of the available time together.

I see it this way, you could be back home, long distance, which would really suck, as you are not able to speak on the phone nor on the Internet anyway. That kind of arrangement would put a huge strain on the relationship.

Or you can be in her city and be able to see her every day. At least you can see each other about twice a day. That's amazing compared to the alternative, if you ask me.

In other words, things could be much worse. So need to focus on the negatives, just think of the positives.

Doing what I can :)

After being here for about a week, I realize, it's not too bad. Yes, I have no transportation... so that's a little tough, seeing as I'm used to going out all the time, but again, it's giving me time for some R&R.

As far as something "nice" for her... you guys are absolutely right. I do appreciate her, but I don't show it enough. I think I'm going to write her a letter of some sort. Yes, sappy sneezy's coming out.

Here's an idea I have had about this.

If not now but at sometime in the near future you could invite your g/f and her parents out to an Asian Restaurant for a meal, the setting would be neutral and also show you have considered their culture and traditions.

Just an idea, it really depends on your views of your and g/f`s future together. If you're serious I think it would be a good icebreaker.

positiveparent:

I completely agree with you. I'm actually WAITING to hear back from her about me meeting her parents, possibly having a chat with them, and explaining to them that I'm not just going to leave their daughter, so to speak.

Side note: I'm asian as well, just... a different asian. Haha.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

side note: I'm asian as well, just...a different asian. haha.

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I'm glad you added this tidbit. (I was going to, but decided that was private information you would have to mention yourself.) This tells us all that you understand the Asian parents' mind and the protective mantle that's put around family and children, especially daughters.

Totally agreed! (reminds me of my own mother)

Update:

Things were going just fine up until recently. The girlfriend and I are keeping in touch via phone, and she comes over when she can make time before/after work.

Today, I get a call from her somewhat furious. Apparently, while she was at work, someone in her family had come all the way to where she works, searched through her car (they have the spare keys), as well as searched through her purse.

She feels that this is the final straw. Searching her room, fine... it's the parents' house. Searching the car, fine... they paid for it. However, searching her purse, she feels, is going a bit too far.

She's contemplating moving out. I shall keep you all apprised.

Just remember to stay by her side and support whatever she decides.

They have definitely crossed boundary lines all over the place. Where will she go if she moves out?

I would suggest if she does leave that she take all of the things she can that she values. I am afraid of what their reaction will be.

Can they mess up her work and schooling?

Good luck to her and you. :)

Yes definitely be there for her, does she have any place to go.

It will be rough for her I am sure, but with you beside her and supporting her, you'll both get through this maybe fate has played a hand, and this is a sign for you both to take a bigger step together and make your relationship a permanent one. Its up to you, JMO

Well, the logistics of actually moving out hasn't been fully prepared (I'm all about planning things), but the general idea would be that she would stay with me... either for a few days until she finds her own place, or permanently until we go back to school (in less than 4 weeks).

I'm supporting her the best I can... granted, when she asks me whether she should move out, I really don't have a proper answer for that.

If she does move out, technically, our student loans come out at the beginning of August, so we just have to maintain ourselves financially until then. I have enough in my savings to support the both of us until then, which isn't a big deal... however, we both acknowledge that we've only been dating for four months, thus, moving in is a huge step. We have rationalized it that we're not moving in because we want to, but due to circumstances, and we have both come to terms.

Regardless, I'll keep you guys apprised as far as what she'll decide.

Hmmmm Sneez...

Sometimes situations dictate what you have to do.

Look what you both have made it through so far! Moving together till school starts will not be an issue for you both.

Its not forever and you will get to spend more time together.

Id say go for it.

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Hmmmm Sneez...

Sometimes situations dictate what you have to do.

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This is true. As you know, I'm more of a laid back kind of guy... if she moves out, then I'll be here for her... if she doesn't move out, I'm still here. I just can't seem to tell her to either move out or not. This is an issue with her family, and truth be told, I'd rather not get dragged in further than I already am. It may sound selfish... but I can't seem to figure out what the "right" thing to do is.

On one hand, yes, she is miserable at home, and can't stand it, so she wants to move out. I want her to be happier, so yes, I support that decision.

On the other hand, Asian parents are well, strict. Crazy strict. I was fortunate enough to have parents who learned to let go as I grew up, but a lot of my friends are still under strict parenting... even at 25 - 26. Moving out seems like it will destroy their relationship, and I wouldn't really want that for her.