Me and my girlfriend met in 8th grade and have dated since. We have been together almost 7 years and engaged for 1 year. We got into a fight about her wanting to hang out with a guy that she kissed before and I didn't want her to go. Well I gave in and she went and I couldn't help but text her and tell her I didn't like she was there and she got mad and said I didn't trust her. She said we need time apart so she could think about if she wanted to marry me. She ended up kissing the guy that night. I have done everything in my power to see her and express my love for her. She said we could hang out and just to give her time but she has been with him for 3 days. I don't know what to do anymore. I gave her everything I could. I spoiled her with clothes and purses. She didn't pay any bills. I only made her go to college but she only goes for 4 hours a day and I'm at work for 5 hours after she gets out. I can't eat or sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see her with someone else. I've cried so much in the past few days it hurts and I just want to die. I tell her I love and miss her every time I talk to her or text her and she just says OK. She says she still loves me and is still in love with me. I just don't understand. I need help before I lose my mind.

She kissed another guy, while she was with you. Enough in my books to rid of someone.

Ok so she has kissed this guy before... Told you she needs a break then kisses him again. Now she's with him...


Why do you want her still? Even if you did get back together she will just do it again.

Forget about marrying her! Stop talking to her and start moving on. Find a girl who respects you to marry you!

She is the girl I want to marry

Get some self respect

She used to be the girl you wanted to marry.

You need to realize the situation here... she isn't the same person anymore, she has changed.

You need to move on, she is just using you now.

People says love is blind.. but in your situation your just being stupid. I'm sorry to sound harsh but people here are right, how can you still be with someone that doesn't respect you and the relationship you both made.
You will always love her but it doesn't mean that you have to be with someone you love. I know the pain your feeling, everyone here on the site knows the feeling you have, your not alone.
This girl is not for you, she knows she can play you and that she got all the power on this relationship. Your there begging, crying, threw all yourself respect out the door, and became a little girl and cried to her arms. While she's their with the other guy and only God knows what they both are doing.
This girl has to many red flags, she obviously choose the other guy then you.

Please instead of thinking I need her, start thinking how can I get over her... It would be the best choice you will ever make.

I know. I try to think about moving on but I can't stop thinking about her. I've got like 3 hours of sleep in 3 days and haven't ate very much.

Hi to the OP.

Firstly never ever say you need anyone, because you don't, need is a word to be eliminated out of the situation, you can say you want a person, but never say need, it puts you in a lose lose situation the moment you say it.

You only think you "need" this girl possibly because she fed your ego and the ego is like that it can cause us to believe we"need" someone or something to survive.

We don't, you are merely allowing yourself to think this it's a thought a very negative one, change it and tell yourself, you can survive this and you will survive it.

Its over she's gone, and now you have to heal yourself and move on, go NC, and also tell yourself, you DONT need this girl. you may have wanted her, you never needed her.

Time to move on and restart your life...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bigberry090

i know. i try to think about moving on but i can't stop thinking about her. ive got like 3 hours of sleep in 3 days and havent ate very much.

---

This is 7 years in the making. Anyone on here who tells you it is easy to just drop this is not being realistic. You are hurt and confused, which is understandable. Bottom line, right now you just need to let this pass, which means a lot of emotions for a good amount of time. Be proactive, get out there in the world and do good things for yourself. You two were extremely young when you met and things change as you get older and more mature.

This is going to take a lot of time to get over, but it will pass and you will move on, I promise. We've all been there. Sometimes, even the ones we think are "the ones" just don't work out. Good news is life goes on, but you have to give yourself a push and that starts with erasing her from your life.

I know I should get over her but I just don't want to.

Bow out gracefully, and keep your dignity, and self respect as her feelings have changed, and with proper healing, and No Contact, so will yours.

Its may be a long time before you do want to get over her, but she has been wanting to explore other options and opportunities for a very long time. She gave you signs and signals no doubt, but you ignored them, or she was hiding them.

Whatever the case, she wants something different than marriage to you, and that's what she will do.

She will do her thing, so you may as well find your own thing to do.

Something no one else has mentioned, or I missed it. You've been together since you were kids. She may have dated before, but in 8th grade, how serious could it have been?

Neither one of you really dated, had the experiences of going out with different people. Many times, if you start dating at a young age, one of you will feel like you missed out on something, missed those experiences most people have.

She may still love you, she may just need some time to do the things most people do, date, have fun, flirt, go out with different people. Having said that, there's no reason why you should sit around waiting for her to decide what she wants.

Will you two be together? I don't know. I do know that you shouldn't hope for it, or expect it. Move on as if she's not going to be in your life. Heal, do no contact, get over her, live your life, and if down the road you both decide that you're right for each other, you can decide what to do at that time.

For now you're single, and so is she, so go have some fun, meet new people. There's a whole world out there to explore. :)

You've been together since the 8th grade.. That is a REALLY long time. Neither one of you experienced anything besides each other. And sometimes, that needs to happen. Both of you need to take a break from each other. Apparently, she's already taking her break.

If she chooses him, then you're going to have to accept it. If she goes back to you, its your choice to accept her back knowing she's been with someone else.

You're in a pickle. But the only way to get out of this pickle is for you to stand up on your own two feet and start over new. There are a lot of wonderful people in this world. I realize that you love this girl... But you need to experience the world. That doesn't mean you have to go searching for your soulmate.. or even date! But go meet new people.

Your relationship with your ex grew old. That happens a lot with middle school relationships as they mature.. you both grew apart. Time to accept it.

Well I haven't thought about her much today but now I am home in my room alone and missing the feeling of her next to me in bed. I look to the other side of my bed and my chest caves in and I get a knot in my throat. I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep yet again tonight. I usually watch TV until I'm so tired I basically passout but then I will wake up an hour later and be up the rest of the night.. I can't get her out of my mind now. I just need to hold her in my arms. I feel like I have a hole inside of me now. I can't think of a way to fill it. I would hang out with friends but I have to be home early and get up early for work. And I'm not real sure how to talk to another girl. I'm not sure I even want to talk to anyone at this time. I haven't talked to my mom or any of my family since the breakup. I've only talked to her. My sister and mom text me and ask if I'm OK or if I need anything but I don't answer because I don't know what to say.

Not sure how old 8th graders are but I assume its about 12/13? Also 7 years is a very long time, some marriages don't last that long.

So with ths in mind it is understandable why you are so attached, however with getting together at such a young age, neither of you has really experienced the world on your own.

That's why the relationship has ended or partly then, your ex wanted to experience more of life and other b/fs.

You would be doing yourself a favour too if you were to also start meeting and dating other girls, lifes for living, and you're only young once.

I understand you are hurting, you'll hurt even more if you sit around all the time just thinking about what might have been.

When you and the ex first got together you were barely teens really or just a tad older, back then you were different people, and since then you'll have both changed as will your tastes in the opposite sex, and other areas in your lives.

As hard as it may be, you are going to have to rejoin the human race at some time in the future, the sooner the better.

This hurt will pass and it will pass quicker and easier if you make the effort to go out and live a little. You've lots to gain and nothing to lose. Give it a try you might like it...

You're going through a mourning period. You were together for 7 years, it's natural to feel a loss now that you're no longer together.

Take the time to heal, but don't contact her. If you keep contacting her, you're only prolonging the healing. You need to let go of her, and you can only do that if you stop the contact.

This isn't going to be easy, but you will get through it, honestly you will. We've all been there. Everyone has had a breakup at least once in their life, and every single one of us has survived it.

So take one day at a time. Getting active, going out, that helps in the healing. I know you don't feel much like doing anything right now, but surrounding yourself with people, or going to work out, or a movie, or anything, that will help you get your mind off things. Go for a walk, or a bike ride, go to the gym. Exercise will help with the sleep issues too.

For now, whenever you feel a weak moment, or need a shoulder, come here, post to us. The people here are a great support system and we've helped many people deal with break ups.

So one step at a time. Okay?

This is sort of like growing up and leaving home.
You two grew up together discovered the opposite sex together, but you have grown up, she has and it seems she is wanting to spread her wings.
You need to do the same. She is your comfort zone, you have never had to interact with other girls.
It is time for you to come out of your comfort zone and discover who you are.
A lot of this is fear of the unknown.
It's time to leave the nest.

I know its one step at a time. I didn't think of her much today because I went on a bike ride and put about 300 miles on my bike.

No one here wants you to continue to hurt, that's why we are all saying that you need to go out, not necessarily with other girls, you have male friends, family, workmates etc , you could go out with them, or go visit your family for say an hour to start with.

Staying alone in your apartment or whatever it is you live in, won't help with the healing, it will only serve to keep you stuck.

You could also spend this time doing some work on yourself which will also improve all areas of your life, like personal development, self improvement, awareness, all of these topics will be beneficial to you, and your future, what is not going to help you is if you merely mope around the place living in the past.

The Past is gone the Future isn't here so Now is all we have anyone of us, so live in the Now. And work towards a Bright future. It makes sense to do this...

Also please text your Mom back Im a Mum and I worry about my grown up Son, especially if he's hurting, so don't ignore texts your Moms no doubt worried about you. Let her know you're still with us Please...

I just wish I had someone close to me to talk to. I love hearing her voice though. I need something to keep me busy at nights.

Well I just talked to her ana she said we can hang out after I get off work and talk about this. I asked if she was dating that guy and she said they were just talking and having fun. I really want her back. I just need to find out if she wants us or something else because I can't spend these nights wondering what she's doing, who she is with, and if she's OK. I can't do this anymore. This tears me apart. I would rather be hit by a car then to feel this again. I would never wish this much pain upon someone ever. This is worse then death. At least after death you wouldn't feel the pain anymore. One thing I've learned from this is that love is the most powerful thing I know of. It can hurt and heal. If it is true it can bring great happiness and if it is "miss used" it can hurt like nothing ever in this world. There is not a single thing that has hurt more than this. Love may be used but not abused.

She has told you that she is hanging out with this guy. What do you think getting together with her is going to tell you?
She is obviously doing OK.

I think it may do you good to talk to a professional about these feelings you're having. This is not the end of the world, just the one you are familiar with.
Sometimes we have to let go to grow up and that can be painful.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bigberry090

well i just talked to her ana she said we can hang out after i get off work and talk about this. i asked if she was dating that guy and she said they were just talking and having fun. i really want her back. i just need to find out if she wants us or something else because i can't spend these nights wondering what shes doing, who she is with, and if shes ok. i can't do this anymore. this tears me apart. i would rather be hit by a car then to feel this again. i would never wish this much pain upon someone ever. this is worse then death. at least after death you wouldnt feel the pain anymore. one thing ive learned from this is that love is the most powerful thing i know of. it can hurt and heal. if it is true it can bring great happiness and if it is "miss used" it can hurt like nothing ever in this world. there is not a single thing that has hurt more than this. love may be used but not abused.

---

I hope you're prepared for her to maybe tell you she doesn't want to get back into a relationship.

Its your life and you will do whatever you want regardless of what advice you are given on this site.

However try not to get your hopes up, she's agreed to meet you to talk, so talk to her, and also listen to her, try not to appear to desperate, act cool, and calm, try not to go over as being needy and desperate, that won't help you at all, I agree that it is good to let someone know you care, but to be honest women are really turned off by a man who comes across as clingy, needy, and desperate, most if not all women are put off by these things in a man, I think most women, prefer the strong confident assured together type of man, for some reason, that type of man seems much more appealing and dependable.

Most women I know would agree with what Ive just written, we also want our men to be someone we know can deal with a crisis, and also look after us, even if we are ourselves, strong independent women, its feels good knowing the man we love is capable of looking after us if need be, and if you go all needy and clingy on her, possibility of her thinking " get a life" is very high.

You don't want her pity you want her respect, and needy won't get it...

Good luck for when you meet up with her...

Even if she agrees to give the relationship another chance I believe you'll be back at this stage within a few months, you haven't given her any space without you for a long enough time span, I believe she might go back with you because to her it may seem easier than dealing with the guilt trips,so it won't work.

Do you really want to be a charity case??

Had you spent some time in NC and worked on yourself you might get her back because she wants that, but not whilst you're like you are, shell feel like she's your mother...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by positiveparent

I hope youre prepared for her to maybe tell you she doesnt want to get back into a relationship.

Its your life and you will do whatever you want regardless of what advice you are given on this site.

However try not to get your hopes up, shes agreed to meet you to talk, so talk to her, and also listen to her, try not to appear to desperate, act cool, and calm, try not to go over as being needy and desperate, that wont help you at all, I agree that it is good to let someone know you care, but to be honest women are really turned off by a man who comes across as clingy, needy, and desperate, most if not all women are put off by these things in a man, I think most women, prefer the stong confident assured together type of man, for some reason, that type of man seems much more appealing and dependable.

Most women I know would agree with what Ive just written, we also want our men to be someone we know can deal with a crisis, and also look after us, even if we are ourselves, strong independant women, its feels good knowing the man we love is capable of looking after us if need be, and if you go all needy and clingy on her, possibilty of her thinking " get a life" is very high.

You dont want her pity you want her respect, and needy wont get it...

Good luck for when you meet up with her...

Even if she agrees to give the relationship another chance I believe youll be back at this stage within a few months, you havent given her any space without you for a long enough time span, I believe she might go back with you because to her it may seem easier than dealing with the guilt trips,so it wont work.

Do you really want to be a charity case???

Had you spent some time in NC and worked on yourself you might get her back because she wants that, but not whilst youre like you are, shell feel like shes your mother...

---

Have to spread the rep, but you are so right. Your advice is on spot.

You don't want her to come back because she feels sorry or responsible for you.
Give her space and you need it to heal.

I understand that talking to her is something you want, something you've done for the last 7 years and therefore a hard thing to stop doing.

You're not doing yourself any favors by contacting her, seeing her, continuing to hope that you'll be together.

No contact works. It's not easy, but we suggest it for a reason.

When you go to see her, tell her it's best if you no longer contact each other, that you need to be able to move on, and that means not having her in your life in any way. That means no texting, MSN, Facebook, calls, seeing each other. Absolutely no contact at all.

The first few weeks are the hardest, but this is what you need to do in order to move on. Or you could continue kidding yourself, hope that she'll realize you're the love of her life, sit back and wait, waste your life. Your choice.

We can give you advice, but you have to take it, deal with it, do it. It's not easy, but you can do it and you'll be better off if you do.

She called me later last night and said she loves me but she doesn't know if that's enough to keep us together anymore. I told her I know that love is enough to keep us together. She also said I need to change the way I treated her. I honestly I didn't treat her the way she deserved. I would always yell when we got into fights even over the littlest things and called her names. But when I called her names I would just be joking and I've told her that. I've nevea cheated, thought about cheating, or even thought about hitting her. I told her I would stop yelling and calling her names but she said she doesn't think I will change. I got a little more sleep than the past few nights but still didn't get much. Bu everything I do reminds me of her. Just laying in my bed makes me miss her because she isn't there beside me. But I'm trying to stop thinking of her. She doesn't know if she wants to hang out because she said its not fair to me if she decides not to get back together. But at least I would get to see her. I have not been into religious things lately well since I was like 10. But lately I've been praying for strength and forgiveness for everything and asking for a sign and questioning my faith because nothing has happened. I know I still believe I just don't know why I do. My faith used to be love but now there is none in my life. I feel so lifeless and as if I have no spirit. I'm just not sure what to do. I appreciate everyone's input and help but I don't want to give her up. I would do anything just to have her by my side. I want to take everyone's advice but I'm afraid if I stop contact she may think I don't want to get back together. I tell her I love and miss her all the time and its probably not good to do but I don't want her to think that I don't for the slightest second.

You know if you were to go NC for a while you would start feeling better, you say you can't do that you want her to know you love her, I disagree, if you want her to know you love her you'll go NC, and during that time, you can make those changes to yourself, and give it a few weeks you'll be a changed Man and a more level headed Man. I honestly feel that with you being as you are, hurt, confused, needy, clingy, and acting desperate, she is only feeling sorry for you, so agrees to meet you to talk to you then like last night she rings you to tell you she's not wanting to meet you after all.

If the truth be known she probably had no intentions of meeting you today to talk things over with you, she merely said that to stop you from harassing her. She wanted a break, you haven't given her one, she has said she doesn't want to be with you, yet you're as good as hounding her trying to force her to go back with you, or as near as damnit then.

Do you know how those actions come across to a female,they come across that she's glad she's out of it, and that you're doing nothing more than showing her you are weak you can't change don't want to change, and aren't going to change. That in turn means she's not going to believe a word you say to her, in the time since you and she parted all you have done is feel sorry for yourself, and made no positive attempt to do anything she has wanted you to do, and that's why you can carry on in the way you are until doomsday, but she wont be coming back to you any time soon, because you're not showing her you can make it on your own.

So are you going to be a man or a mouse? You can mope around saying how heartbroken you are, how you're going to do this for her that for her, but so far its all empty promises and you think she hasn't noticed that, She has you can bet your sweet life she has, and she doesn't want anymore of life with you. You drove her away you drove a wedge between you both, and you're still not making any progress, you come up with excuses ontop of excuses. You need to get a Backbone, and stand up and walk tall like a Man, a Man who knows who he is, and what he's capable of.

We here know it hurts it hurts like hell and its one of the most excrutiating pains ever, and you have said you can't stand the pain, so do something to help ease it to make it go away, and the only way you'll manage to do that is if you go NC, but you don't want to do that, you say you cant, I say you can, and if you don't then expect to live a very lonely miserable existence, can't call it a life because you just isn't living it. You're wallowing, you're actually acting more like a child who lost his favourite toy.

We`ll be here to support you if you go NC, and you can come here everyday and you'll get affection friendship and real support. So how is that going to be so hard to do. Or you continue as you are and go no where, and lose her anyway. You choose...

Its time to take action Mate, real Manly action. So what you waiting for??

Turning to God won't help you either, God Helps those who help themselves and you're not doing your bit, God can also see that your not doing the things you say you'll do too...

Youre actually reinforcing her decision to end it with you while youre as you are.

Well I told her we won't talk until she has figured out what she wants and I'm going to hang out with a buddy, his girlfriend, and her friend today. That should get her off my mind for a little while. Tomorrow I am working some overtime to keep busy then I don't know what else.

Even though it hurts you're just going to have to find a way to push past this.. I understand how you feel. You've thought everything was perfect. That you were so secure with this person you can trust for ever. But your feelings aren't completely mutual. And she changed. Good thing time only goes by.

You stay busy and leave her alone.
You are not emotionally healthy at this point so you need to go NC so you can get better.
I still think you need some therapy to help you deal with anger. You say you have even thought about hitting her. Your emotions are all over the place and you are desperate. That is not a good place to be.
Once you begin to heal you may find you no longer have this desperate need for her, you may be ready to spread your wings as she is spreading hers.

No I've never thought about hitting her. I would never do that. I must have mis typed it but I have never and never will hit a woman.

Well you said you've thought about hitting her, that you've yelled at her and called her names, that is an anger problem. Not good.

It's time to grow up and work on yourself so you will be emotionally healthy for whatever or whoever comes your way.


I misunderstood what you wrote, but you do need to stop with the name calling and yelling. No girl wants to or should put up with that. That gets old fast.

Yea I know. I went to my dr and talked to him about my anger issues and he gave me some pills to try that will calm me down. I've been taking them for about a day or two now.

I need some help. I want to talk to her so bad. I just want to hear her voice. I can't describe how I am feeling or what I exactly want to say. This is so hard to do.

Play sports?? That's always a distraction. Find something to occupy yourself with while you get use to being without her.

I can't really do anything right now. I have to try to get some sleep. I habe to get up for work at 4 am