My girlfriend is contemplating stopping having sex in our relationship. She claims this is due to guilt about extramarital sex (which she claims she's had since we began having sex, yet continued to do so). I love her (and show her this), and I don't use that term loosely, but I feel sex I such an important part of a relationship. My thought is that I should only accept temporary abstinence if she agrees to work this issue out in (her own, presumably?) therapy.

Obviously I'm posting here to get some feedback/thoughts on this. Thanks!

Addendum: I should also note that from the start of our exclusive relationship I kindly made it clear that I would not be in an exclusive sexless relationship.

How long do you expect to get free milk without buying the cow??

How old are you and how long has this relationship been going on? Where is this thing headed?

Off hand, I think that's what she wants to know. And I seriously doubt therapy will make her get over guilt of having extramarital sex.

If you aren't living together why in the world is sex a condition for dating? She doesn't need therapy, you do, as you obviously think your entitled to use her body, and what does she get, besides being used for sex?

Can you elaborate on your remark about extra marital sex, because this would imply one of you is either married or was married.

Perhaps you meant to say pre marital sex.

Sex is not an automatic right in a relationship, it's a bonus, and shouldn't be your top priority.

Every woman has the right to say no, and if a woman feels she's obligated to having sex then that's going to put her off it faster than you can blink, its to be mutually agreed too, you cannot demand it.

I agree with the first reply here.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Can you elaborate on your remark about extra marital sex, because this would imply one of you is either married or was married.

Perhaps you meant to say pre marital sex.

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I simply meant sex without being married. Neither of us is or has been married.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

Sex is not an automatic right in a relationship, its an added bonus, and shouldnt be your top priority.

Every woman has the right to say no, and if a woman feels shes obligated to having sex then thats going to put her off it faster than you can blink, its to be mutually agreed too, you cannot demand it.

I agree with the first reply here.

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I understand sex is not an automatic right or even a top priority. But in an exclusive, loving relationship, it is A priority to me.

It depends if you think you can handle it. You have both already had sex so it will be a little awkward and very tempting now. How long down the road will it be before you'd consider getting married? It's a test of self control, maybe see how it goes. If you can't handle it then move on.

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Originally Posted by deer5

I understand sex is not an automatic right or even a top priority. But in an exclusive, loving relationship, it is A priority to me.

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Then I would say you need to ease the pressure off your g/f because believe me there is nothing worse than feeling obliged or expected to have sex, it can kill any loving feelings faster than blinking, it takes away the spontaneity of it all, and if you put someone in the position where they feel they're expected then they just go the opposite way as a rule.

It won't hurt you to go without sex for a while, perhaps if you did your g/f would stop feeling pressured and her sex drive would return.

I guess it all depends on how much you value the relationship.

After all is she a g/f or a convenient orifice, sorry to be blunt, but I think its something you need to consider. Jmo

If you love your girlfriend then you would respect what she wants. She might of carried on even though she felt guilty because she felt like she had to. You can have a good strong relationship without having to have sex

How long have you been dating?

I'm going to be blunt - if I were dating someone who told me that he wouldn't date me unless I had sex with him then I'd tell him to get lost. I get a feeling that you pressured her into having sex in the first place against her better judgement.

You have shown that you don't have any respect for her decisions and are only thinking about yourself, so it sounds to me like you'd be wise to break it off with her.

It's obvious that you resent her not wanting to have sex with you, and since she's feeling bad about it, why torture yourself?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How long do you expect to get free milk without buying the cow???

How old are you and how long has this relationship been going on? Where is this thing headed?

Off hand, I think thats what she wants to know. And I seriously doubt therapy will make her get over guilt of having extramarital sex.

If you aren't living together why in the world is sex a condition for dating?? She doesn't need therapy, you do, as you obviously think your entitled to use her body, and what does she get, besides being used for sex?

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Perhaps I could have phrased my question better asking "Should I stay with my girlfriend under these circumstances"?". And thank you for your thoughts that off hand you think that she wants to know where the relationship is headed. I never said sex was a condition for dating, that I believe I'm entitled to her body, etc.. Such assumptions are incorrect and inflammatory.

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Originally Posted by deer5

Addendum: I should also note that from the start of our exclusive relationship I kindly made it clear that I would not be in an exclusive sexless relationship.

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That sounds like you did say sex was a prerequisite for the relationship. I don't think you can accuse people of making inflammatory accusations when they are going on words you have used yourself.

How long has this relationship been exclusive? How long had you been dating before? I assume she was NOT a virgin, though I suspect she may have been. The reason these details are crucial is to gauge how long she has been under your rules. I think its more than possible she wants to know if it's the sex that keeps you around, or the use of her body.

No matter how kindly you gave her this condition, I can certainly see her being guilty, and doing it to keep you. That you think she needs therapy is down right crazy.

Either way, you give her what she ask for, as she gave you what you asks for, so she will know that its not her body that keeps you coming back.

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I never said sex was a condition for dating, that I believe I'm entitled to her body, etc.. Such assumptions are incorrect and inflammatory.

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Not for dating maybe, but for being exclusive.

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Originally Posted by deer5
Addendum: I should also note that from the start of our exclusive relationship I kindly made it clear that I would not be in an exclusive sexless relationship.

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That certainly is an entitlement for you to use her body, no two ways about it. It also cast doubt as to your intentions. Actually, she never should have given in to such an agreement, because if your words matched your actions, sex would never be a condition for an exclusive relationship, and even though she went along with it (dumb on her part) it comes off as BLACKMAIL.

That's why a few more answers to questions helps clarify your pupose, and intentions in this relationship. And we don't have to assume so much and be inflammatory. She doesn't seem to be able to stand up to you either, as I can't see a female going along with your program unless she was desperate.

Maybe that was inflammatory.

Talaniman Rule- Love the mind, the body will follow.

I like my women to come freely, and willingly without guilt, or regret. If I loved her I would understand her.

Ps I am sure you meant pre marital, NOT extra marital. Also a passive aggressive aproach to having sex, is NOT kind! Its manipulative.

Sorry Devorameira have to spread the rep, but your post is spot on, and I agree with it.

I'd like to know how long you two have dated, please? And if you took her virginity?

Has she had a change of heart? Is she starting to realize that this is not the life she wants to lead? Or is she using sex as a weapon?

No matter what her reasons are, and no matter what she is looking for, if you truly cared about this woman, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. If she was the one for you, you would be willing to make such a sacrifice. And by her seeing you willing to be astinent for/with her, she would know that you are committed.

But I say no, you shouldn't wait for her. Only because if you are the type of person that felt the need to make your "pre-commitment sex deal", and if she is of the character that might consider this a "sin", then you need to let her go. Let her find someone with the same thoughts and principles, and you find a girl with your mindset.

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Originally Posted by QLP

That sounds like you did say sex was a prerequisite for the relationship. I don't think you can accuse people of making inflammatory accusations when they are going on words you have used yourself.

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Dating and an exclusive relationship are not the same thing.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

I'd like to know how long you two have dated, please? And if you took her virginity?

Has she had a change of heart? Is she starting to realize that this is not the life she wants to lead? Or is she using sex as a weapon?

No matter what her reasons are, and no matter what she is looking for, if you truly cared about this woman, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. If she was the one for you, you would be willing to make such a sacrifice. And by her seeing you willing to be astinent for/with her, she would know that you are committed.

But I say no, you shouldn't wait for her. Only because if you are the type of person that felt the need to make your "pre-commitment sex deal", and if she is of the character that might consider this a "sin", then you need to let her go. Let her find someone with the same thoughts and principles, and you find a girl with your mindset.

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We've been in an exclusive relationship several months, and she was not a virgin when we met.

Yes this is a change of heart, or at least action. I don't know if this is using sex as a weapon. I wouldn't accuse her of that now. However, if as you state abstinence is a way for me to prove my commitment, then that I believe is using sex as a weapon or as a commodity.

Maybe its her way of redefining, or re-evaluating this relationship, or finding something besides sex to base it on. You are right though, dating and being exclusive is two different things but neither should be conditional on sex.

It seems you had conditions to be exclusive, and now she may be wanting to level the playing field, for things to continue.

You have a right to say NO, or negotiate, and she has a right to take the best course of actions for herself. As do you, so talk, and communicate honestly, or this will never work anyway if you don't.

Deer5

Im going to give you my advice here.. first when I read your question I thought, yeah its not an easy thing to do and I can understand your thoughts on this subject

But after reading some of your replys to the advice that was given

Seems to me you just want everyone to tell you that..

Don't stay with her if she don't put out.

Well that's not going to happen in fact you are the one that is looking more and more like the Axe in this relationship.

My advice.. if sex is a major thing for you.. which you said it was in a relationship
Then go out and find someone that will give it to you as much as you want it..

If you want a relationship with a bit more than just sex that has some substance to it, I recommend talking with her and doing this for her.
If this is something you can't do.. then break it off with her now, and end months of pain and waiting.

But enough of going round and round in Circular arguments with us.

Good advice has been given by lots of people here.
Take it or leave it.

It may be best if you and your g/f go your own separate ways because if you've put her in this situation now, and make such claims as if you're in an exclusive relationship then sex is a priority to you, what would it mean in a marriage that's exclusive you can't get any more exclusive than that, is she going to have no choice in whether she wants sex or not.?

Or rather you would be expecting it, not wishing to appear smutty, but you do have hands you know?? You could take up D.I.Y.
Jmo

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Deer5

Im going to give you my advice here.. first when i read your question i thought, yeah its not an easy thing to do and i can understand your thoughts on this subject

but after reading some of your replys to the advice that was given

seems to me you just want everyone to tell you that..

Dont stay with her if she dont put out.

Well thats not going to happen infact you are the one that is looking more and more like the Axe in this relationship.

My advice.. if sex is a major thing for you.. which you said it was in a relationship
then go out and find someone that will give it to you as much as you want it..

If you want a relationship with a bit more than just sex that has some substance to it, i recomend talking with her and doing this for her.
if this is something you can't do.. then break it off with her now, and end months of pain and waiting.

but enough of going round and round in Circular arguments with us.

Good advice has been given by lots of people here.
take it or leave it.

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Thanks for the advise on talking it out or breaking it off. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want advise or couldn't handle criticism---I appreciate feedback. I don't politely however need your permission to take it or leave it.

Also, a circular argument is one in which the premise contains the conclusion. I'm sure you can't find a circular argument of mine here because I have made none.

To OP you came here and asked our advice in your question, and we've given it to you, however obviously it doesn't sit well with you, or rather we didn't say what you maybe hoped we would say, fair enough.

So if you aren't accepting of the advice you've been given then why don't you just ignore it. Easy...

I think perhaps you are unaware that those here who answer the questions for advice or help all do so voluntarily, and believe it or not we've gone through all or most of these situations ourselves.

Whilst I accept you're maybe only wanting to get some validation or back up for your questions, it wouldn't go amiss if you could maybe agree to disagree.

It seems you're maybe trying to prove a point.

To be fair to the OP, and I am curious as to what you think of this situation (besides her going to therapy)? Do you see this as longer term, or having a future? You don't input a lot of facts, or rebuttal, just criticism when you don't agree. That's the whole key to understanding, and advising, feedback from the OP.

For all we know, there maybe many underlying issues that affect you both.

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Originally Posted by positiveparent

To OP you came here and asked our advice in your question, and weve given it to you, however obviously it doesnt sit well with you, or rather we didnt say what you maybe hoped we would say, fair enough.

So if you arent accepting of the advice youve been given then why dont you just ignore it. easy...

I think perhaps you are unaware that those here who answer the questions for advice or help all do so voluntarily, and believe it or not weve gone through all or most of these situations ourselves.

Whilst I accept youre maybe only wanting to get some validation or back up for your questions, it wouldnt go amiss if you could maybe agree to disagree.

It seems youre maybe trying to prove a point.

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I am not trying to prove any point. On the contrary I have seriously considered the advise given.

I too would say in OPs favour, his g/f has already been in an adult relationship with him, so I can actually see why he's a tad p*ssed off at her closing the stable door now, after the horse has bolted sos to speak.

Doesn't make it right but its understandable. Im sure he will do whatever he decides he wants to do at the end of the day.

Compromises are good...

In some respects it could be deemed like giving a baby a sweetie then taking it back, that's only meant as hypothetical, not meaning the OP is a baby...

And any replies here are JMO no more than that.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

To be fair to the OP, and I am curious as to what you think of this situation (besides her going to therapy)? Do you see this as longer term, or having a future? You don't input a lot of facts, or rebuttal, just criticism when you don't agree. Thats the whole key to understanding, and advising, feedback from the OP.

For all we know, there maybe many underlying issues that affect you both.

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Yes I see her as a potential long-term, perhaps even life-long partner. I love her. I could date plenty of women and have shallow sex, but I prefer a committed intimate relationship with this woman. I am not evil because I value sex. I am willing to consider temporary abstinence if there are underlying issues that can be addressed. Most likely, her family's disapproval of our interracial relationship is a major factor. I understand that this pressure is not her fault. Presumably, in the beginning this was not such an important factor. However, as things have become more serious, it is negatively affecting the relationship.

Yes I see your point, and also remember when I was younger and even older, and my partner and I were like a pair of rabbits, how quicklly I forgot.

I still think it isn't such a priority, but then again it kind of was. LOL

You need to talk it all through with your g/f and hopefully reach a happy medium.

If the girl that I was seeing, and having sex with, just started this talk out of the blue, I would be confused, and a little upset too. If she is trying to live her life the best way she knows how to spiritually, then that's one thing. But if she is trying to change the circumstances of your intimate relationship as a means to further the connection, or get you to commit, then that's crossing the line. That is using sex as a weapon.

I would talk to her, and let her know that you are confused as to what it is that she truly wants.

If you love her as you say that you do, then work it out.

Does she love you?

If she is of a strict religion, I can understand over time how she could be made to feel quite bad about what she is doing. Even though she may not see herself as strict, her parents could be.

You already mentioned that you think she should work on this with therapy. You also say that you can see yourself making a long-term commitment to this lady. Why not get some counselling for the both of you?

It seems to me that the relationship got off on a very bad footing with your sex or no exclusivity clause. For whatever reason, your girlfriend is trying to change this balance. I can understand that after she had played along with your terms and then withdrawn acceptance that would leave you feeling she has moved the goal-posts unfairly. The trouble is they weren't in the right place to start with either.

If you want to work this out maybe it's time to get some outside help together. More than we are able to give.

I don't see a counselor telling her to give you sex, as per your agreement. Just can't see that happening. I would tell her that relationship built on ultimatums and conditions usually fail.

And if there is no honest communications to solve your issues to the benefit of you both, then it will fail.

Okay, if you can't respect her wishes then obviously you are not good enough for her. Leave her alone, maybe trying to talk to her instead of jumping on her might work. Jeez, sex is one small aspect, but without communication there is no relationship. She doesn't have a mental problem, she just wants to have a secure commitment. So put a ring on it, or seriously leave her alone.

My girlfriend's parents, who are aware of our relationship and whom I've never met, are trying to set her up with other guys. This seems to be primarily (if not completely) because we are of different ethnicities.

She is an adult, yet heavily reliant upon her parents. I've (perhaps mistakenly) tolerated a few phone calls from men her parents have tried set her up with because she's been up front with me about it. But now they are asking her to actually meet some guy.

Is this where I draw the line? Should I give her an ultimatum on this issue, because it will place her in a very difficult position and possibly end the relationship as I have serious doubts about her standing up to her parents in this regard. At the same time I worry that not setting this boundary now may devalue our relationship and cause her to respect me less as a man/boyfriend.

I do realize the potential dynamics I'd be accepting if this relationship continues long-term, but I'm trying to focus on this more pressing issue first.

Ahhh another piece of the puzzle! What is her ethnicity. In some culture its acceptable for parents to choose suitors for mates. And she better still be a virgin too! No wonder she has conflicts with going against her parents wishes, and is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Wonder why you have never met the parents of the female you have been screwing? I can see what a firestorm that would start. This is getting rather interesting now, and are there any more nuggets of info we need to make an informed opinion? Like what cultures you BOTH belong too?

You have to figure its hard to go against there wishes since they do provide her with a lot of security, where as you only supply her with sex, and conflicts. Hmmm!

I doubt you get anywhere at all changing her parents minds about meeting guys, since they know nothing of you, and probably would have her deported if they did. No wonder she needs therapy. She is catching it from all sides.

You have stated that you are serious about her. Is she serious about you? Has she told her parents about you? If not, I would say things look pretty bad for this relationship. What does she say about her plans to date other men just to please her parents? What does she have in mind for you? Does she plan to tell her parents about you ever or does she refuse to talk about it?

Also would be nice to know how old you both are.

If she is an adult, she has to know when to set her own limits.

She should merely tell the other men that she has a boyfriend and is not interested. She has to learn to start up for herself.

Next why have you not meet her parents ?

Confront the parents about how awkward they make youy feel... try puttin them in your shoes... yah know"well you two arent right for each other either"

You started a relationship on the basis that you would not find an exclusive sexless relationship acceptable.

So now, your girlfriend wants to stop having sex and may start dating other men which would make it not exclusive. Wow, that one came back and bit you on the rear!

This relationship looks on shakier ground by the day.

If this is all down to the dilemma your girlfriend faces about choosing between what you want and what her parents want then she has to work out what she wants.

Let's face it if her parents are trying to marry her off to someone they want she will have to say no to them at some point or will have to walk away from you. She may be procrastinating at the moment but that is no long term solution.

Maybe you should point this out to her and suggest she gets that counselling that has been mentioned, to help her resolve her dilemma, work out what she really wants, and have the strength to act on that.

It may not be you she chooses ultimately but at least she will have made her own choice and you will know where you stand.

I agree with Chuck. It's time for her to get a backbone and tell her parents no.

If she's committed to you, then she has to make that clear to her parents and tell them to stop trying to split you two up.

She may not like what they're doing, but she's accepting it, and as long as she does, it won't stop.

This is up to her, not you.

This may seem like a straightforward scenario, but I'd like to ask for some honest feedback anyway.

I have a girlfriend whom I deeply care about, and she cares deeply for me. We've had a rough patch over the past few months, including one or two quasi-breakups, but in the end we've repeatedly ended up getting back together.

Things have been good lately. Not great, but good, and more stable, which has been an improvement.

It seems we're at a point where things either get deeper and more serious, or they don't. I've told her all along, truthfully, that I'm definitely not ready for marriage, but that I wouldn't rule it out with her in a few years. She's interested in marriage perhaps a little sooner than I, but not in the immediate future.

I don't want to be one of those guys who strings a girl along. I seriously think that she could be marriage potential, but not until at least a few years when I'm at a minimum more financially and professionally settled. What complicates this is that by this that time we'll both be separated geographically (unless we're engaged or married), so it's not like we can just start dating again.

Additionally, I realize that I have wandering eyes. Perhaps the grass is always greener but this is only my second serious relationship and I wonder what it would be like to be with other women, both for just fun and more seriously. But I also wonder if I'm being stupid and would be throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime girl and relationship by breaking up with her and dating other women. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too.

The only thing I'm certain of is my uncertainty, which I realize in itself should be very telling, yet I really feel torn about what to do. I have interest in other women, both sexually and emotionally, and I don't know if this would ever change.

Lastly, there is one girl in particular whom I've been attracted to, whom I recently learned is hoping I may ask her out (she doesn't know I have a girlfriend). Due to a multitude of factors I've let many opportunities with women slip by in my life, and I have a strong inclination that I shouldn't allow that to continue. I realize that's an issue I need to work out, but in the meantime I'm really divided as to how to proceed.

I won't be unfaithful, but as shallow as it sounds I'd hate to leave my girl only to find that no one else measures up to what we have. And I absolutely dread the idea of hurting my girlfriend. I've considered suggesting that we go from committed to casual, but I can only imagine that having negative consequences. In fact I almost certainly think that wouldn't work.

My biggest fears are hurting her and also regret... both that I'd regret leaving a relationship with real potential, and also that I would regret staying and denying opportunities with other women.

I know I may sound selfish but I'm also being honest. And while I believe in honesty in relationships, I want to be cautious in how I approach this one way or the other with my girlfriend.

I would greatly appreciate any advise or feedback. How to decide, what to say, etc... Thank you.

If you are really into honesty you would tell the other girl you're flirting with that you gave a girl friend and are for all intents and purpose in a committed relationship.
Break it off with your girl. You are not ready for what you are leading her to believe you want. You are not being fair. You can't keep her around "just in case" That is cruel.

After merging your threads and just being honest,

Why haven't you told other females about your g/f?

Is she still having arrangements made for her to date other guys by her parents?

Is she still in therapy?

Are you still having sex?

Have you met her parents yet?

While we are being honest, and respecting the constraints of her culture. What's telling is,

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Lastly, there is one girl in particular whom I've been attracted to, whom I recently learned is hoping I may ask her out (she doesn't know I have a girlfriend). Due to a multitude of factors I've let many opportunities with women slip by in my life, and I have a strong inclination that I shouldn't allow that to continue. I realize that's an issue I need to work out, but in the meantime I'm really divided as to how to proceed.

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You are not ready to commit to anything so lets be honest, and let her go. Nothing wrong with being afraid to take a risk, but why does she have to suffer for it?

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I've considered suggesting that we go from committed to casual, but I can only imagine that having negative consequences. In fact I almost certainly think that wouldn't work.

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Because then it would be over, and done with, and you are trying to have your cake and eat it to. What you need is to make a decision one way or another, and overcome your fear, and either take a risk, and go all in, or leave so everyone can heal from this confusion. Life is but a gamble you take, and hope your hard work pays off.

So either get all in, and take your chances, or all the way out, and still take your chances. Sitting on the fence trying to decide which yard you want to play in is not honest, responsible, caring, or HONEST!!