I have been with my BF for 7 months now (officially). Before that we had been dating for 2months and were intimate with each other. I was just getting out of a relationship when I met him and even cheated on my now ex. I was going through the worst time in my life (I had 5 close people pass away in two months) and my new guy was the only person who was able to keep my head above water. I fell in love with him because of this but neither of us wanted the title of Boyfriend/Girlfriend, and I didn't tell him how I felt because I thought it might scare him.

He ended up sleeping with another girl twice while we were dating. I found out and this destroyed me. I don't understand how he could sleep with 2 girls at the same time. We weren't officially exclusive but the thought of any other man disgusted me. After I found out I asked him how could he do this to someone who loves him? He said I should have told him I loved him. He feels bad for sleeping with someone else but at the same time feels like what he did was not cheating so I should be able to get past it. He also said he had no feelings for her what so ever and that he was trying to prove to himself that he wasn't in love with me, by being able to sleep with someone else. But how could he do this to me knowing what I was already going through?

After we both realized we loved each other we decided to become a couple. Since then he has been an awesome BF and I know he is faithful. Why can't I get over this other girl? It eats at me day and night. We even fought so bad about it that we broke up for a few weeks. I go in stages where it hurts overwhelmingly and then sometimes it feels OK. It wasn't cheating, I know he won't cheat now.. so how do I forgive him? I love him so much but at the same time resent him for hurting me. I have been cheated on a lot which I'm thinking is part of my insecurity, and I have also cheated a lot which I've heard can make you insecure about your own partner cheating. I think he is the one for me. I'm soooo sick of letting something from 7 months ago ruin my days and negatively impact my relationship now. Help!!

How could he do this, you ask?
The same way you cheated with him on your ex. I'm sorry you're hurting... but what goes round, usually comes round.

If you all love each other I hope it works out.

You were just dating, no commitments?? I am missing what there is to get over. And there is nothing for you to forgive, so why do you feel a need to forgive him.

I feel this is something you are going to have to either accept ( not forgive) and either move on with this relationship or move on to someone else

I definitely want to move on with this relationship. I don't know why it bothers me so much.. I assumed he would have no need to be with another girl and figured we were in the process of building a relationship so why would he risk hurting it. I guess my question is HOW do you let something go?

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Originally Posted by girl

I definitely want to move on with this relationship. I don't know why it bothers me so much..I assumed he would have no need to be with another girl and figured we were in the process of building a relationship so why would he risk hurting it. I guess my question is HOW do you let something go?

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You have too. You all weren't "officially" together so he didn't cheat. But now young lady you said you cheated on your ex with this guy? Right? I'm not passing judgment but do you think he ever thinks that you cheated on your boyfriend when you were in an "official relationship" Don't burn your bridges with this guy, because he really didn't cheat... He hasn't thrown that in your face... has he?

You have a lot of baggage from the past to unpack and that will take time, and a lot of it.

Unfortunately it will be harder being with someone who keeps the wounds open, even if not intentionally, than if you were single, or unattached. Its about working on yourself and a proper healing, and getting over the past.

It will take time but, for now, think twice before you act, or speak, especially during high emotions, and learn to truly forgive yourself, and make the right adjustments, to forgive others. It's a process, NOT something that will happen overnight, and without a lot of practice.

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Originally Posted by girly101

He ended up sleeping with another girl twice while we were dating....We weren't officially exclusive....so how do I forgive him?

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Forgive him for what? You were friends. He was your emotional rock, not your exclusive boyfriend. He did nothing disloyal to you.

You two weren't exclusive. And you can't change his past.

And he can't change yours. By the way, while you are giving him a hard time about HIS past, does he ever mention YOUR'S?

You said " We weren't officially exclusive but the thought of any other man disgusted me. " But you HAVE cheated before? This makes no sense to me.

You will absolutely ruin this relationship by letting the past dictate your present. It will drive you crazy, and he will just run.

Since the relationship began, has he ever given you any reason to believe that he has been unfaithful to you? If not, get on with.

It sounds like he deserves a break. Surprise him.

Good luck to you, and especially to him.

I agree with all the other replies here, you have nothing to forgive and certainly no right to sit in judgement over it considering you say you cheated on your ex with him, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

How do you let go, well you let go, forget it. Its insignificant, keep it alive at your peril.

Build a bridge get over it and take a much needed step into womanhood.

You blame the loss of someone for your unfaithfullness? I think that's a big cop out. You knew what you were doing. Those people you were grieving for probably wouldn't approve. I think you had your mind set on
Sleeping with this guy and you saw your chance.

I hope the guy you left has moved on and found a wonderful woman, who will treat him the way he needs to be treated.

Losing someone is terrible, but don't disrespect them by using them as an excuse for your mistakes.

This relationship began with some trust issues. I think he did not show any dishonest to you after you two got together. You need to let the past go and try to build the relationship of u two.

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Originally Posted by sackings_pepsi

This relationship began with some trust issues. I think he did not show any dishonest to you after you two got together. you need to let the past go and try to build the relationship of u two.

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It began with her having a boyfriend... she sees this other guy and the hormones start raging so she sneaks around and sleeps with him , while she is still with the boyfriend.

They start "casually" seeing each other. This guy doesn't want to be exclusive with only one woman and he hasn't asked her to be. He sleeps with other girls.

The only trust issues I see are the ones he should have with her. She is the one who slept around and cheated on the first boyfriend. I believe if I were the present boyfriend... I would be the one who had trust issues... :confused:

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

You blame the loss of someone for your unfaithfullness? I think that's a big cop out. You knew what you were doing. Those people you were grieving for probably wouldn't approve. I think you had your mind set on
sleeping with this guy and you saw your chance.

I hope the guy you left has moved on and found a wonderful woman, who will treat him the way he needs to be treated.

Losing someone is terrible, but don't disrespect them by using them as an excuse for your mistakes.

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Im not using their deaths as an excuse of cheating on my original Bf. I meant that during this hard time my new boyfriend was the one who was there for me and helped me tremendously. I had been considering leaving my ex for almost a year but was not brave enough to do it.

It took you almost a year and cheating to decide to leave him, and now you are upset because the guy you cheated with slept with someone else? Were you disgusted when you slept with him and you had a boy friend?
I think you have a lot of issues and you probably should not be with anyone right now. Your anger makes no sense at all.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It took you almost a year and cheating to decide to leave him, and now you are upset because the guy you cheated with slept with someone else? Were you disgusted when you slept with him and you had a boy friend?
I think you have a lot of issues and you probably should not be with anyone right now. Your anger makes no sense at all.

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You need to read back over your post and read them as if you were reading someone else's... I think you need to wise up and leave the past alone or you'll lose the present boyfriend and the ex won't have you back... Tough words... but true. You have no right to be ticked at him. At least he didn't sneak behind your back and do it!

I think your upset because he slept with 2 other girls while the two of you were intimate but wasn't official. And I think before you become intimate with someone you should ask questions but you didn't. You thought he was only exclusion with you and as you see that wasn't the case. And how could you say to him "how can you cheat on someone you love?" He didn't cheat and at the time love wasn't even a factor. The two of you was just getting to know one another?

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Originally Posted by liz28

I think your upset because he slept with 2 other girls while the two of you were intimate but wasn't offical. And i think before you become intimate with someone you should ask questions but you didn't. You thought he was only exclusion with you and as you see that wasn't the case. And how could you say to him "how can you cheat on someone you love?" He didn't cheat and at the time love wasn't even a factor. The two of you was just getting to know one another?

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Ouch Liz... You are so right... :cool:

I am going through this right now. Good luck with letting go. I personally think you deserve better that's why its so painful. Some people would consider it cheating.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 1 year. The start to our relationship was rocky because when we were just dating he slept with another girl. It hurt me but we weren't exclusive so I chose to get over it and we chose to become official after he realized how much I really cared for him. Everything has been awesome until recently. That girl he slept with a year ago was married, and my boyfriend didn't know that. But he found out and the girls husband has been threatening him and has been trying to hook up with me every time I see him out at the bar and my boyfriend is not around. The last time the husband saw me out and did his usual routine of trying to dance with me and trying to kiss me, then the wife comes up to me later that night and tells me that her and my boyfriend hooked up again 6 months ago. I could not believe my ears! I talked to my boyfriend about it and he swears it's a lie. He is getting upset that he has been lied about and doesn't know what to do to help me believe him. I do believe him, but I've been hurt in the past and can't quite move on from this because I don't undersatnd how a girl could want to hurt me like that? I feel bad because when I talk to him about it he feels like he is being accused of something and he has no control over this. He has no explanation because he says it flat out did not happen, so how could he have anything to explain? He promises me he hasn't seen or talked to that girl since last year. I never got the feeling that he hooked up with her or anything like that, but now that she has put that in my head I don't know what to do. I trust my boyfriend and love him so much, but this is eating me up inside. I can't stop thinking about the 2 of them together :( I was so happy with him, he's an amazing boyfriend and I don't want to break up with him over something that might not be true, but I'm not one to stand for being cheated on either. Pleeeaasse give me some advice!
? T year.

It sounds like the married woman, is playing games with you. Perhaps out of jealousy. Perhaps to get back at your boyfriend for something, perhaps to keep her husband confused, perhaps to just be a bit*h. Your problem isn't with her.

The married woman's husband, continues to hit on you, and that may have something to do with his wife wanting to hurt you, because she sees this (I presume) while you are in the club. By the way, why do you continue to go to that club, and when you are there, is your boyfriend with you?

Anyway, the married woman's husband, is not your problem. (unless you continue to allow him to do what he does).

I would believe your boyfriend, only because he ended his fling over a year go. Why would he risk losing your trust, ruining your relationship, and causing all kinds of hardship, over this married woman, and her husband, who both sound like a couple of whaco's to me.

You have no reason not to trust your boyfriend, over the married woman. Who is more credible. I don't get the impression that your boyfriend has been seeing her, or you would have seen signs of this long before now. That the married woman had an affair in the first place, hiding the fact she was married, and then is married to a jerk, and tries to cause drama by throwing garbage in your face, is the last person I would trust.

You and your boyfriend would do well to avoid the club that they frequent, and find somewhere else to go. You need to stop this unwanted attention from the husband, and stop the opportunities for all four of you to play mind games with each other. Just go somewhere else.

Unless you have some concrete proof that your boyfriend is cheating, then you really have to believe him.

Sounds like the married woman is just trying to stir the pot.

This post as merged together with your previous one to show all the facts. You may trust the guy, or say you do, but you still in the back of your mind know what he is capable of, and what he has done before. That makes whatever you call trust very shaky, and as you see influences from the outside can really get you to thinking who to believe, and what's the truth.

Further the way this relationship started as a rebound, you have never healed enough to know yourself, let alone him. So now you are in a situation with another couple going through their drama, and dragging you in it, and that shaky trust with your boyfriend, rears its ugly head. Lets be honest and dump the crap because you really don't know who to believe, or trust, and have no clue what the truth really is. And you so want to believe your boyfriend don't you, but if you really did, then you wouldn't have a question.

Remove yourself from the situation by stop hanging out where these two drama queen play their games. Find something better to do, and a better place to do it. That at least stops the drama, so you can work on what important, and stay out of what's not.

Stop hanging out at the cub you know they frequent. That is just asking fro trouble and drama. You guys have put yourselves into situations that causes drama. You cheated with him, he cheated on you with a married woman and now the husband wants a piece of the action.
Karma is something else!
The relationship started on the wrong foot and on shaky ground there was really no reason for either of you to trust each other.
Stay away from the club, it is not a place you need to be. Then maybe you can work on your relationship, build some trust.

Unbelievable , This sounds just like my life , except that I once made out with my present boyfriend when I was with my now ex , my conscience never let me keep this away from my now ex , I told him the truth , we broke up . Meanwhile my current boyfriend slept with 3 women , it wasn't official then , It took me 6 damn months to accept , [ not forgive ] my current boyfriend for what he did when he wasn't with me for a while . But trust me , its been 2 years we have been together , I am glad that I accepted all about his past , trust me , it will take some time , but you will be over with this , not completely , but to an extent that you won't be reminded of it.. Acceptance to each others past means hell lot in a relationship , its all right , everyone in this world has had a past , so did he . Let it go , start fresh! You won't regret .

I'd think about leaving my guy at that point of time , but I loved him too much to do that , I saw him hurt every time I told him that this wouldn't work out.. but eventually everything did & we are getting married this may 2010 :)

Thank u so much. It is great to hear an outside perspective. I am from a small town and that is why I run in to them so much. Thank u for bringing the fact that she is not a trustworthy person to begin with, to my attention. This really helped me!

Thank u! This is so true.

Ok I'm going through the same thing, but in reverse.

I'm in a long distance relationship that isn't. We speak daily and have for some time. I have strong feelings for him that are reciprocated...

The entire time we have been speaking he has not only approved of but encouraged me to find relations with other men. He regularly asked about if I did and when I would tell him no he would tell me I should have, that I missed an opportunity, etc. He said its unfair to me for him to expect me to be faithful to someone long distance, that I deserve more, that he would be OK and would actually be happy if I found someone to fill my "needs" locally etc etc... So what is a girl supposed to think?

I mentioned a friend-with-benefits that I had some time ago, and he asked when was the last time I had hooked up with him. I told him truthfully when it was: the first week that him and I had started speaking.

The only thing I feel I have done wrong is fib about it initially... when it happened months ago he had asked if I hooked up with anyone and I told him no... for more than one reason. I felt it wasn't his business at week one, but I also didn't want to hurt him. I would have left well enough alone and not told him at all but he kept hinting that he was disappointed that I hadn't filled my "needs" and he was the cause etc...

I don't know which way is up I'm so confused. I feel terrible, but aside from the fib I don't think I've done anything wrong. We hadn't outlined expectations of exclusivity, we weren't official... as a matter of fact he had expressed reservations about commitment... so doing what I did isn't wrong in my eyes.

I didn't want to hook up with the other guy really, but like the boyfriend in the original post, I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't falling for this guy... and I was trying to reinforce this idea physically. It didn't work, what it did do however was teach me that I didn't want meaningless sex, I didn't want nonexclusive romps, I wanted a relationship. I want something real. I don't want anyone else. I want him.

Well now that he knows about this romp from the beginning of us speaking, he says he needs to take a big step back... it changes how he sees me... he can't imagine that I would have ever done something like that.

I don't know what to do. A part of me is angry and entitled... I shouldn't feel sorry for doing something that was not only approved of on surface level but encouraged... he was less than genuine with me by telling me that I should find a way to fill my needs, all the while hoping and praying that I didn't... The other part knows why he feels hurt and feels so very sorry.