Threads merged, please keep all questions readering the same issue in the same thread.

I had a bad past with drinking and such. But when I had met my boyfriend, he turned the tables for everything. Anyway, I was hanging out with my friends, and took a shot of jäger. It was either tell him and be honest about what I did since I felt guilty about it, or just keep it to myself. With him being able to read me like a book, I just told him. Our conversations dwindled down to nothing and he wanted to break up. I was hysterical. And the sad part is that everything happened over text messages. I wasn't about to let that happen. So on the weekend, I went over to his house. He said he lost my trust and no matter how much he cared for me, the promise breaking shatters everything else. I broke down, and he started rubbing and scratching my back. He even pulled me into a hug and started intertwining our fingers together. I told him that he didn't care anymore. He told me to think what I want. He also added that once I figured out why he had to end our perfect relationship, then I could call him. Even more mixed signals. And the last thing he said to me was, "Do you really think I want to watch you walk out my front door and disappear from my life?" I told him not to let me, but I walked out anyway. I need advice. Should I talk to him again? Or contact him in any way? He's getting surgery soon, and I was thinking that I should go over to his house and see how he's doing. Not to nag him, but just to have a conversation to show I still care. Help?

I think you leave him alone to make up his mind. Maybe he is PIZZED about your drinking, maybe its something else. I don't know and you provide very few facts, so maybe you broke an agreement you have made together.

Regardless, you let him make up his own mind, without your influence. If you have an issue with drinking, solve it for you, not him. Whether he wants you back, or not.

Don't forget he let you walk out without resolving anything. So leave it that way.

Threads merged

I'm going to start over on my question. I don't think it was vague enough. It's going to be an epic, but please bear with me. Please read everything. Take everything I say seriously and I want honest opinions.

It all started on a Wednesday evening. I was at school with my friends and we decided to leave early. I wanted to go home because I knew my boyfriend would be there waiting for me. (No he did not live with me, he was coming by to visit.) Anyway, I called him and told him that I would be home and that I was wondering where he was. He had told me that his mom was having problems picking up the kids due to her recent back surgery. She was on pain medication, so she needed his help doing things around the house... etc. I told him that it was perfectly fine. I was raised in a family where they always told me that family comes first. He was bummed. He told me to go over to his house, but I unfortunantely had no gas to make it there. I told him that we had plans on Friday to hang out and that I would have money by then to fill up my tank.

Moving on, everyone that I was with decided to go to my friends house. We were having a good time until my friend pulled out alcohol. With me having a bad past with alcohol, I didn't want to be near it. Having met my boyfriend changed me into a better person... and I promised him that I would never drink again. It was a way for me to escape reality, but since I had met him, reality was so much better now. Anyway, my friends started taking shots around me... passing it around in a circle. I said no at first, but I gave in and had one little shot. My past weakness had caught up to me, and I messed up. I felt horribly guilty. It was either tell my boyfriend that I had a shot, or to just keep it to myself... which wouldn't work because he can read me like a book. He knows me very well. I told him through a text message. Our conversations dwindled down to nothing until he sent me a long text message saying that he couldn't do the relationship anymore... and no matter how much he cared for me, the promise breaking shatters everything else. I completely broke down. I didn't know what to do. I told him that I was responsible for my actions and that I realized what I had did, but he didn't want to hear any of it. I was hysterical. I had called him, but it sounded like he didn't want anything to do with me. I asked him if he really loved me... I just wanted to be certain (I got up the courage to tell him I loved him 3 days before this, and he said it back.) He said that he did of course. But I didn't believe him. He said that he would call me back. I hung up.

He never called back. I went a week (I know it doesn't seem long, but it was killing me inside.) without any kind of communication from him. He deleted me off any social net working sites that we had that we were friends on.

I thought long and hard and decided that I wasn't about to let someone I love break up with me through a text message. I gathered up the courage and drove to his house.

He knew I was coming over. His mom told me that I should since she "adores" me so much. He was waiting by the door and let me in. There was no kind of facial expression in his eyes. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to be there or not. But I went with it and walked inside.

We sat and talked. He told me that he had been hurt in past relationships and lost trust in basically everyone because of the stuff that has happened to him in the past. He was a heavy drinker and a "wake and bake" kind of person. He had stopped drinking when we started talking and dated, but he was still smoking all of the time with his neighbors. He would even call me stoned and even say that he was high. I told him that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone who did that. He told me that I basically made him quit cause he didn't want to lose me.
And somewhat into the conversation, he compared me to his ex girlfriend. No girl that likes or loves another man wants to be compared to ex girlfriends. His not so recent ex girlfriend had cheated on him with two of his close friends... but they weren't close as in best friends. But anyway... he of course ended the relationship with her.

I did nothing like that, I had a shot of alcohol.
Anyway, we went inside and I decided to play a girly game. The kind of game where you walk around to see if he will follow you everywhere you go. He did. If he didn't want me there, he would've just left me there in his house by myself while he did his own thing. I was getting hysterical at this point... mostly because he was following me around everywhere.

He walked away to go outside, and I got up and went into his moms room. She asked me if everything worked out the way it should've. It didn't. It didn't seem like he was going to take me back even though I told him that I was accountable for my actions. We sat there and talked and she ended up telling me that he just needed more time to think. A week wasn't long enough, I'll agree with her on that. But like I said, I wasn't about to break up with him through a text message.

He came in about 5 minutes later and started messing around on the computer, acting like I wasn't even there. I put my head down and started to silently cry... I didn't want his mom to hear me. I didn't want her to think I was weak.

And before I knew it, he was right next to me, rubbing my back and going "shh" in my ear to try to calm me down. I was confused. If he was breaking up with me, why was he acting like he still cares? I pushed him away, a typical girl thing and told him not to touch me, but what I really meant is "touch me, hug me, hold me tight, and don't let me go."

That's exactly what he did. Mixed signals? Oh yes, very much so. I was confused. I wanted to leave, to get out of that house because I couldn't take it anymore.

Before I left his mom's room, she told me that if I ever needed to talk to her, that I could call her whenever I would like to. Even more confusion to me.

I nodded and walked out. He followed behind me. I asked him why he was doing this. I told him that he didn't care. He told me to think whatever I wanted and that once I figure out why he had to do this, then I could call him. More mixed signals? Yes! I thought that he didn't want me to talk to him ever again.
I told him that it didn't make any sense. I started crying again, and he again took me in his arms and tried to calm me down. He looked at me and said "I haven't done anything for the past week. I haven't left my bed. I haven't hung out with anyone. I haven't been doing much of anything. I'm not even living. I'm just walking and breathing. Do you really think I want to watch you walk out of my front door and disappear from my life?"
I told him not to let me, but he said that he had to. I was going crazy. The last thing he told me was goodbye while he was hugging me. I told him that I loved him and left. Those are the last words I said to him.
I'm still hurting over this so much.
At this point, I don't even know what to do.
I want to call him, but I know that's not a good idea.

He's getting surgery in a couple of weeks.
I told him that I would be there for him when it happens while we were still dating.
I don't want to break that promise to him.
It will have been a month by then.
I want to go by and visit him.
Not to ask him questions about me and him, but to just ask him how he's doing.
He's looking forward to this surgery so much.
I want another chance.
But I'm scared of rejection.

Your opinion would be greatly appreciated.
I'm broken... actually I'm shattered.
I just want to know if he's feeling as much pain as I'm feeling.
He made me so happy.
He brought out the best in me. I was happy for once in my life. I was no longer fake. I was the real deal around him. My shell is starting to rebuild itself.

Please give me your honest feed back.

Does this boyfriend of your have a thing against alcohol?

He said he did and still does. We've been broken up for 2 weeks now. He's had a bad past with it and been accused of things like sleeping with his neighbors wife... while her husband was drunk. It's a huge turn off for him.

You both have problems and alcohol is a no no for both of you.
He knows he has a problem with it and you have a problem with it and the two of you together is like the blind leading the blind.
You don't need to be together and he realizes that.
Respect his wishes and his weakness and leave him alone. Then you get some help for your drinking problem, and that help is not another boy friend.
Don't go see him. Call his mom to check up on him, but leave him alone.

No no. I'm not the type of person that will drink day and night. He has trust issues with it, and I did it purely for fun to escape reality. I haven't done it since last year. Getting drunk I mean. He brought out the best in me and broke my shell. But now it's slowly rebuilding itself.

He doesn't like it cause of what people have done to him in the past with being drunk and all. I understand where he's coming from.

At any rate he has problems and needs to deal with them and having a girl friend is not what he needs right now.
Respect his need to be away from you and leave him alone.
Perhaps he is doing what is best for him.

It's completely understandable. I just miss him and all I want to know is if he's hurting as bad as I am, or if he's doing perfectly fine.

He never told me not to talk to him again. He told me to call him when I figured out everything.

Mixed signals are the worst.

Well if you haven't figured things out, leave him alone.
At this point, it's about him. For some reason he needs time away from you. Respect that.

I know I'm just a love sick teenager, but honestly, what's the longest I should go without talking to him. My mom has already given me a lot of advice. She's been through many heart breaks. She said no longer than a month. Make him miss me.
I'm just scared that he's going to move on too fast while I'm still sitting in the same spot not ready to take that step forward.
I read your profile.
You have a daughter that you gave advice to.
I just want to talk to him again.
I just want to see him again.
He brought out the best in me, as he said I did him.
I don't know if he was just lying to me. I can't even tell at this point since I have no way of talking to him. I don't want to call or text since that will make me look desprate. That's the last thing I want.

The what if questions are driving me crazy. He said he cared. Why would he hurt me like this. I want answers from him, but the internet seems to be my only other option.

Another question, would calling his mom to ask how he's doing be a little bit crazy?

I think you should do what he asked you to do.
At this point, you two are not together so you should live your life as you two not being together. NC is not to punish him or make him miss you but to help you get over him.
You can ask his mom how he is doing, but that is it.
He has set a boundary and you need to respect it.

You have been very supportive of him considering you did not have an alcohol problem and he did, so you quit drinking entirely, I presume to make it easier on him. That was a very noble thing to do, to put his needs first.

It seems like his over-reaction to you having a shot, set off some alarm bells. Because he has had bad relationships in the past, he is bracing himself for another one with you. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with you having a shot, but more an excuse for him, to let you go, so he doesn't suffer as much. Perhaps he never expected the relationship to last as long as it did. I would see his 'reason' as more of an excuse.

He lacks confidence, and he lacks the ability to communicate clearly, also signs that he is thinking with fear and insecurity, rather than facts.

I don't know how many relationships he's had, but I wonder if they all essentially ended without warning, and without substance as to why. If that's the case, or part of it, he has himself in a never ending loop of not learning from past mistakes, and maturing enough to move past them.

To face what you have, without adequate explanation, only leaves you hurting, and confused. I think anyone would be. Whether he can muster up the courage to face his past, and get on with a healthy relationship, is anybody's guess.

Are you certain he isn't drinking again?

If he has left you in the dark, and it seems like he's quite comfortable doing that, then the next step must be his. If he cannot communicate truthfully, and work through what has happened with you, particularly with you being willing and able, then there is not much to build a foundation on.

I think his mother sees what a positive influence you have in his life, and she knows too, that without you, the cycle begins again.

I would call her after the surgery to see that he is okay, but that's as far as I'd go. No visits, phone calls, texts, flowers etc. You will feel better knowing everything went fine.

Give him time, but also give him expectations if he does call you. Put the ball in motion with being willing to talk to him about what he has done, and how he has treated you, but expect answers, and work toward seeing if he is willing to change.

For now, time is on your side.

Mixed signals.
Him saying I can call him when I figure things out, which I have.
Hugging me, kissing my cheek and holding my hand before he "let me go."
Saying he didn't want me to disappear from his life.
Saying that he will always care.
Saying that he loves me.
Calming me down when I was crying.
Holding me tight so I wouldn't shake when he was letting me go.

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What is it that you have figured out?

Why he had to let me go. Why he feels like he can't trust me when I made a specific promise to him. He felt that if I did it that one time, that I would do it again. That's not the case at all. It was a slip up. A slip up that I can not take back as much as I would like to. He's scared of getting hurt again. He doesn't want to go through the pain of losing someone even though I wasn't going anywhere. I was always there for him and I still am.

Jake2008 - I can't be certain that he isn't drinking or smoking again. I doubt that he is with the surgery coming up and all. He brought out the best in me. He showed and told me that I didn't need any of that stuff to have a good time. I was putting on a fake attitude towards everyone so that I was able to "fit in."

He has literally changed me into a better person. Never have I felt so alive when I was with him. I was on top of the world with him watching ants trying to live life blind. He made promises to me... but they all seem broken now. He told me that we would last for a very long time. But that one slip up compared to his ex girlfriends were nothing. (They cheated on him with his friends.) I'm guessing that's part of the reason why he's scared to let people in and has no trouble letting people out.

His mother adores me. She told me that I could call her anytime I wanted to talk to her. She told me that she would miss me and that he just needs more time to think.
And I hope that she's right. She knows him more than I even know him... of course.

I tried talking to him, I really did. But it was like he didn't want to hear it. Like he had heard it all before.

He has hurt me and left me with sleepless nights. And when I can sleep, he's always in my dreams telling me that everything is going to be all right.
I see his face every night, but I know it's not reality.

I feel for you going through this emotional turmoil, I really do. But you better leave him and his mom alone, simply because he needs to make up his own mind without your influence as to what he wants to do. Sure you care as all get out, but you fail to see the very red flag of him dumping you for a very small mistake that could easily have been worked through, had he not chose to play your feelings against you.

See it any way you want, but no way should he have played with your emotions over this incident, and frankly, it inexcusable.

That's not how caring partners solve things or do to their partners. Not only is it unhealthy, its cruel.

Sorry, but I see no reason for you to be suffering over his personal issues. That's not fair, and you deserve the same thing you gave, being straight up honest, with no tricks, and no games.

He didn't return that, and that's what you should remember while you make yourself miserable with the good times you had.

You really need to stand your ground, and not be so forgiving to someone that intentionally inflicts this type of emotional pain, as it borders on manipulation, and a selfish need to punish, and make you suffer. Why couldn't he just be honest and work with you and not introduce all this needless drama, and hurt?

I think his actions and words were designed to hurt and confuse you and send you through misery, and worry, so leave him, and his mom alone as I hardly think his mom would have condoned the behavior of her rascal son, given the closeness of you, and her.

Let his mom deal with him, and you disappear, and get through your own emotions and see the facts of his actions clearly, and do not condone his actions by running after him, forgiving him, without remorse, and begging him back.

There was nothing wrong with your actions, you were honest, he is not. He has issues, that he throws in your lap, and makes you suffer for them.

Let him face the consequences of his own actions, and come clean with himself, while he sees you can live quite well without his selfish, cruel, BS!!

Threads merged



My ex and I have been broken up with for about a month and two weeks. A couple of weeks after we broke up, I found out that he was dating another 'girl'. I couldn't believe it. After everything that he had said to me, it just didn't make sense. I won't use any of my french, but even bad words wouldn't be able to explain how mad I was. I made a huge scene to my friends and even hinted about it on my Facebook. Silly I know.

While I was sitting in class, I had gotten a text from a random number. I had asked who it was, and it turned out to be my ex boyfriends ex girlfriend... basically the one that they shared everything with. Anyway, we talked for a bit. She even told me that after she broke up with him to be with one of his friends, he started dating that same girl that he started dating after we broke up. I didn't exactly know what to think. But the only thought that came into my head was rebound.. We talked a little more, and the more we talked, the more she had opened up about him. She said that a couple months or so after they had broken up, that he actually ended up calling her and they ended up sleeping with each other. But nothing worked out because she wasn't interested in him. She basically fell for his sweet talk. That man does have a way with words. It just makes me wonder if he'll end up calling me again. Because what I did compared to what she did (she told me that she had cheated on him) was nothing. But like I said, you'll have to read my other threads to know what I am talking about.

He hasn't tried contacting me in anyway. And I really can't tell if this is a rebound girl or not considering that they've been dating for about a month now. But it still kills me knowing that he's with her when I want so much to be with him.

I've tried moving on, but every time I try, I feel disgusting. Like it doesn't feel right to me being with someone else. I want to show him how much pain I'm in from all of this, and I want to be able to actually press 'call' after I dial his number into my phone. But I don't want to seem desprate to talk to him.

I could really use a lot of help from everyone. Please don't just read this and my other threads and not give me your feedback. I really do appreciate everything that everyone says. And I even try to take it into consideration. So please please help.

I am so sorry but the fact that he has broken up with this other female will not change my advice from a month ago. Even though your wounds are still fresh, and you have hope again, just because you know he is available.

Again sorry, but No Contact is still your best option.

I've tried moving on, but everytime I try, I feel disgusting. Like it doesn't feel right to me being with someone else. I want to show him how much pain I'm in from all of this, and I want to be able to actually press 'call' after I dial his number into my phone. But I don't want to seem desprate to talk to him.

This is the vey reason you need to let this go. You want him to feel pain and he is not going to.
He left you and went to another girl and broke up with her. That has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He is moving on.

Continue NC. This will get better.

Thank y'all so much. What y'all say is very very true.
I'm really proud of myself for not contacting him in any way. I mess up occasionally and dial his number from memory, but once I see that I did, I hit the 'end' button multiple times.
My wounds are healing, and me hearing his voice would just re-open them.

It's just hard to see the man that I loved and still love so much walk out of my life forever. I'm still healing from it.
But I'm definantly not as bad as I once was at the beginning of all this.

Time is getting the best of me.

Thank you once again!

It will get better as time passes.
Hang in there.