In the early stages of the relatioship, my b/f was more anxious to get in touch with me. Lately, he can go a day or two without calling but just send simple sweet messages a couple of times a day... that's all. When you are used to a certain pattern, and it changes, questions arise. So I ask him if he got my message and he will just say that he has been busy working on spreadsheets, etc. at work and is tired when he gets home. I'm not asking for an hour call but a simple "hey honey, just wanted to touch base with you" call would be nice. He is a very fragile person and if approached wrong, he will hide in his cave. Anyone have any idea how I can have a meaningful discussion with him on this without bruising his delicate ego?

How old are you, and how long have you been together?

Off hand I would say your just getting to know each other. Just learning HOW to communicate.

The funny thing is that I have known him over 3 years and we communicated every single day for the past year and a half. I am 52 and he is 50. Yes, we are in the older group but I have NEVER known a guy that is very delicate with his ego. We've had other discussions and I have learned how to tactfully approach things. However, I am sort of getting to the end of my rope with the one that has to be understanding about HIS busy schedule. Personally I think this is an act of selfishness. He obviously sees that I call and chooses to continue with his work, or whatever, and then go to bed. I will text him the next day, and he will say he got my message but he was tired and went to sleep. I'm not asking for the world, just a quick call to make me feel like I really am still actually in a relationship. Some of my friends say that it's just "guys" but I don't buy that and won't stereotype. But yes, I do think some kind of discussion has to take place so he learns just how to communicate with "me". Your thoughts?


I should add that we were solid communicators for the past year and a half up until about two months ago when it's slowly slipping.

When we are together in person, we are great. It's just his inconsiderate message return way of late that is bothering me. Oh and by the way, I don't send repeated messages. I send one and if no response, I let it go. So it is not a matter of me pushing him, I am just asking for some respect and response.

Why not just stop sending him any messages since he doesn't return them any way. Then you won't get so frustrated.

Seems rather obvious he won't change any time soon so stop expecting him too.

Sorry, but unless you can "tactfully" approach him, then you don't have a lot of options, but to accept him for what he is. I think maybe you are to available for his needs when HE has time. With that kind of attitude, don't expect him to go out of his way to meet YOUR needs.

Good point Talaniman. I think a dose of ME not being available when I see him calling on the phone is what he needs.

It's a hit or miss to which messages he returns and I am tired of it. I have to command the respect of my time and of me personally.

I completely agree with you, Tal, about the possibility of the OP being too available. At the same time, don't you think it's disrespectful on his part not to respond?

Firstly you nor anyone else should ever have to walk on eggshells in any relationship of any kind.

We should all be able to be ourselves and if not then that's not your problem, he has to accept that sometimes we are going to hear some things we might not want to hear.

I would also say he's not answering your texts because he can't be bothered and anyway he knows you'll send another one tomorrow, I would suggest you stop texting him, and be less available to him next time he contacts you, or just ignore him if it's a text, give him a dose of his own medicine.

That might make him sit up and take notice.

He knows you'll be there if and when he wants to contact you, you've become like a pair of old slippers to him too comfortable to him.

You are right Zoe, his actions would have me finding someone who did have respect. But maybe he can learn, as I always think that people will only do what you allow them to.

Allow yourself to be treated badly, and that's exactly what they will do.

I use to avoid all that drama by,

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18-80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!!

In this way, I could weed out the ones who didn't deserve my time, and never had to get attached until someone that did deserve it, emerged. It also kept me from moving to fast with a stranger, and getting in to deep, or to fast, once they revealed their true colors. I am not one for games, drama, or disrespect. And everyone looks good when you meet them. We all do our best to impress, but it seldom lasts.

Very good points everyone. Something I already knew but needed a good dose of reminding.

I took the advice and when he contacted me by text today, I didn't respond. I thought... "Gee, I leave voicemails and he ignores them and the next time I hear from him, it's a text. How rude is that!"

The eggshells thing is old. He is so very sensitive emotionally and has many fears. It's just not comfortable. I am waiting for that time, if and when we talk on the phone and I will bring this up. He needs to grow up and have adult conversations.

Well, my b/f texted me a short answer to a question I asked him a week ago. Nothing else. What the heck was this about? Just to see if I were still around while he is out hiding in his cave? Wants to see if I will be there when he decides to come out?

That's probably it. Did you answer? I wouldn't.

He's sending you sweet messages a couple of times a day,he is making contact!

Your not a teenager,you're a grown women,I'm sure your busy during the day and so is he.

Your 50 and your playing mind games in your 3 year relationship just to get some attention,just for a phone call,but he is still making contact,he's not ignoring you for weeks or for that matter days.

Having the phone conversation over the phone is probably not the best idea,and better to have it face to face.

From your post you sound a little insecure,and I agree with you he needs to have an adult conversation,but so do you.

Sienna,

I recognise your symptoms,you know.I used to call them the "keeping my eye out" syndrome.Its like I proclaim to the world I am not thinking about someone and even convince myself I am not,but I know better.Back of my mind,all I am really doing,is thinking,thinking and thinking.

Don't kid yourself here.You say you want him to realise you are busy with your own life and not always waiting for his responses,but all you actually do is just that--wait,to either give it back,or whatever.

One basic thing AMHD posters here taught me when I was going through my bad break-up,was that if I say something I should really mean it.Its not about "appearing" busy for someone else's sake or to show someone else and make a point when I'm doing exactly the opposite in my actions.

While you are busy "keeping an eye out" on the sly,your beautiful life's passing you by one moment at a time.Relationships are tricky affairs,from what I learnt,and they will always be so.They'll always demand more than you would like to give actually.

But in the meanwhile,don't stop living your life and being happy.If you want to project an image of being busy,then find something to keep you that way in real life,text or no text,call or no call.If he calls/texts or even doesn't,just put it down to his actions,for which you aren't to break your head at all.

We all live busy lives, but he is making contact with you. Don't read into it. They are what they are. He is set in his ways and your not going to change it. Either you have to accept him the way he is, or look for someone else. Good luck!

Read my signature very carefully.

My b/f of 3 years starting pulling away. I know he is often troubled with issues so I let him have his time. 3 weeks passed and I saw he reinitiated his match.com account. I was devastated as he didn't bother calling me about the issue or if we ever did have an issue. I finally called his phone and left a calm message for him to please give me a call. I am sure he purposely didn't answer when he saw my number because he hates confrontation. He didn't call me back but instead answered me via text message a few hours later telling me how wonderful a woman I was. We had a short exchange but nothing to tell me why the distance. He then forwarded me a picture of his parents. I commented how in love they looked and he then forwarded a picture of us and said "compared to this?". So here I sit confused with his sending me a picture and suggesting how in love we look and his not calling and getting on the dating site. I am told by some people to keep in touch with little messages so I am not forgotten and others say to not contact him at all. I just know he is not the type of guy to make the first move and needs to know that I won't get angry if he does call. I just want different views on what people think. I'm confused and hurt by his actions and above all, still in love with him as I THINK he is with me.

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3 weeks passed and I saw he reinitiated his match.com account.

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Take the hint. Do things his way how he wants it or be replaced without an after thought. That means putting up with his BS, and forgetting your own hurt feelings.

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I am told by some people to keep in touch with little messages so I am not forgotten and others say to not contact him at all

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Dang it woman, you are being broken down and trained by this fellow who will never give you what you want no matter what it is. You need more than No Contact, you need to disappear and stop checking up on what he is doing. He clearly knows how to manipulate your feelings and instead of confusion, you should be very angered by the disrespect.

I severely question your idea of love, since his is master/slave. You ain't the master. Not to be harsh, but you are allowing your own feelings to blind you to what this a-hole has been showing you for a very long time. Okay I meant to be harsh, as you really are out of touch with his game and its one you can't win, because if a guy is not willing to meet you half way, then he expects you to do all the work it takes to keep him. That's not love or caring, and I don't give a rat patoot what you think he feels for you. You are wrong!

You are right about being harsh. I truly came here to be able to get various thoughts and not shot to death. I appreciate responses from people with different views. When you are the one in a relationship, you are the one blinded. I see it with others but it's a hard pill to swallow on your own.

I agree, no more contact.

Sienna, its very important that you not take my tough love approach personally, because truth be told, I do care, and realize the mindset you must have, a mix of frustration and confusion. My biggest fear for you is that you give him too much of yourself, and he gives nothing of what you need, want, and DESERVE. I have seen it happen to many a good hearted soul, they give and give, and get nothing. That's why I can be quite harsh, not to hurt, but to awaken. I am sorry if what I posted hurt you.

Well Talaniman, this is a public forum and I am not used to getting raked over the coals. Perhaps a personal note would be more suited for that.

What I was hoping for in this arena would be advice from various people who may have been there-both men and women.

Sorry, but I have to call them as I see them. This is what I see.

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I was devastated as he didn't bother calling me about the issue or if we ever did have an issue.

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You don't even know what the issue is behind his actions, and of course you are afraid to ask because the only issue he has is about doing things his way.

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I finally called his phone and left a calm message for him to please give me a call. I am sure he purposely didn't answer when he saw my number because he hates confrontation.

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Or having an honest conversation to clear the air

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He didn't call me back but instead answered me via text message a few hours later telling me how wonderful a woman I was.

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The cowards way out instead of talking, yet did you question him as to whats going on. No because he said what you wanted to hear, like that makes all his actions okay

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We had a short exchange but nothing to tell me why the distance. He then forwarded me a picture of his parents. I commented how in love they looked and he then forwarded a picture of us and said "compared to this?".

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Passive aggressive mind game, but still no explanations, so basically you're still in the dark about everything

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So here I sit confused with his sending me a picture and suggesting how in love we look and his not calling and getting on the dating site.

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Strange how the facts get lost in the midst of his good sounding BS!

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I am told by some people to keep in touch with little messages so I am not forgotten and others say to not contact him at all.

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I am of the latter, leave him alone, as relationships are built on trust loyalty, and a willingness to work together thru honest communications, to resolve any issues to the benefit of you both. Please give me any example you have of any of those character traits in THIS relationship.There are none present in any post you have made so far, if I am wrong, correct me. I really want yo know what he brings to the table, and what he does for you.

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I just know he is not the type of guy to make the first move and needs to know that I won't get angry if he does call.

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What you have a temper, who knew, since by your own words he doesn't call you but texts when he FEELS like it.

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I just want different views on what people think. I'm confused and hurt by his actions and above all, still in love with him as I THINK he is with me.

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You know how you feel and assume he feels the same? His words, and actions don't MATCH, so what do you base HIS love on, how does he show it? I have already laid out what he shows, by what he does.

I am not laying into you to add to your pain, or confusion, but you already have tried the reminders to not be forgotten, and swallowed your dignity, and self respect, by bending over backward to appease him, in the name of your love, not his, yours.

No communications=No relationship. Let him bewilder someone else on match.com, and send his parent picture back. You DESERVE better. When you keep rewarding bad behavior you surely will get more of it. That has been my personal experience.

Parents always told me that silence is golden. Why is it though that I want to leave a final message for him telling him that I have no idea what is happening and that the man who held in high regard his "gentlemanlike" qualities is a wimp? Of course the other school of thought is that this email will 1. do nothing to them except smile and 2. give them the upper hand. So, whereas the question I really want to ask is "What action on my part will send the loudest message?" I also need to ask "What action is best for ME?"

Yesderday I received a fluff email from him. I decided point blank to ask him questions. Knowing he doesn't like the direct approach, I wasn't surprised that he never gave me a straight answer. For the hell of it, I asked him to give me a call but knew he wouldn't, he couldn't. He is much too weak a person for that. Instead he basically said that I was so wonderful and kind and everything great blah, blah, blah. So I kept asking him questions because at this point, I really didn't care. I wanted him to just tell me point blank what happened. It was when I got the "you're so much stronger than I am and you will be fine in life. you will find your own happiness at the end of the rainbow." That I just said "FORGET YOU" to myself and walked away. When he got up this morning he texted me "peace and love to you always". Again, I refused to reply. NOTHING he said to me made any sense. I mean, who the heck talks this way in real life let alone email. Ad him refusing to call me when asked a couple of times to do so just spelled COWARD to me. Don't need that. He won't ever give me what I want and I can't waste valuable time on him. Nothing more he texted or emailed me was answered. Right now I may contemplate one final goodbye email but this is for MY benefit, not his. My chance to say what I need to say.

I read through this whole thing before I commented on what my first thought was.
He has a girl friend or he is dating apart from you.
What you need to do is say "screw you" and be done with it.

I think you should cut him off completely ASAP and move on. It's over, he is just to cowardly to say it out loud. But I also have to say that he's been giving you hints all along - he was pulling away when he stopped returning your calls.

That stunt with his parents picture when you commented on how much in love they are and then he sent you picture of two of you - to me it looked like he was trying to say - "Yes, they are in love...UNLIKE us!" But trying to analyze men like him who can't tell their arses from their elbows, is a complete waste of time. You've been with him for 3 years, and he reactivated his dating profile without even letting you know he's done - it's dead over. His fluffed up BS of what a wonderful person you are and you will eventually find your happiness was not meant to confuse you, but only to make him feel less like of an a-hole that he really is.

Sorry, but from what you wrote here... good riddance. You'd be better off without his crap. Let him date all he wants... but be careful because men like him tend to come back when another hottie from match.com won't recognize what a huge prize he is and won't be so patient and understanding as you were. Keep strict NC and don't let him weasel back in.

I know it will take me a little time get the bad residue out from my system, but moving forward is what I must do. No option. He was toxic and mostly because he had issues in himself. I was disrespected in the worst way even if in his mind he thinks he only spoke nicely. His actions were indeed deplorable. Kicked me while I was down, I couldn't count on him to be there for me because if he had the whim, he would just get silent and disappear. This man has NO business dating anyone. What is the equivalent of a labotomy for people that shouldn't date! He needs to stay off the market because there is a serious pattern. Oh if it were that easy. Instead, he will sweet email people on the dating sites and they will think he is such a gentleman and go from there. It won't take long and his match.com/chemistry.com date will figure him out.

Yes I will keep to the NC but I highly doubt he will even try to get back in touch with me.

You have my firm promise that later down the road he'll try to get in touch with you, so beware, you don't need any of that. I'd been dating a man like that (wasted two precious years of my life that I will never get back). Once you've made a doormat out of yourself, no woman will ever compare to you... they will always come back to feel like a king again... and to suck life out of you. Passive-aggressive, weak and cowardly jerks who have nothing to offer but will treat you like they do you a huge favor. It's all on their terms and about them.

Good luck and listen, there are plenty of men around who'd treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why settle for less? Match.com, eharmony, chemistry.com - who cares, he'll get what's coming to him.

Here is how it ended. I put together a final message to him outlining my disgust, his disregard, disrespect and his distancing. Basically told him that I was done and that he was not a man of his word. That he has internal issues and struggles that he needed to deal with and not involve me. I sent it as my last word.

He did reply. It started "...and in closing..." Geez. He just went on to say that everything I said there was true, that if my overall take on him was that he is a coward... "so be it". Said his divorce was all his fault, that God is punishing him, that he can never be a good partner to anyone. Then the fluff about how I was the only one in his life that at age 47 finally got him to see what love was about. And the topping was "you'll be fine because wherever you go, love will always be with you." The general tone was "poor me, I'm a mess but you are so much stronger". Oh and he added "if right now you are still having nice thoughts of me, it will fade in time and you will see that I was just average." Now average I could have dealt with, he was anything BUT average.

I highly doubt I will hear from him again. Remember, he is a coward according to him.

Be glad you're done.
Now try and put this aside and heal.
I wish you well

Good riddance. Doesn't matter now what was, and what wasn't. Point is, closure is achieved, toxicity gone, and you are once again FREE. Grieve,if you must, heal nicely, love yourself for who you are, and for all the problems you've been through, and overcome, put yourself, and your needs first, and start getting back to the beautiful life God has given you. And please try to refrain from contacting him. Lapses might happen, but that's where will-power and determination play a big part. Remember,you're doing this for yourself, so that you recover from this bad episode, and prepare yourself for all the lovely experiences, and people ahead. God bless.

Thank you. I will work on healing. My ex messaged me on Facebook as he knew I am currently clearing out my parents home after their passing. He said that "Love is my strength". That the love of my parents will get me through this tough month and that when he last saw a picture I sent him of my mom, that he sees my mom through my eyes and that look will forever live in him and his heart.

So what the heck is that message for? Trying to make himself feel better?

What does it matter. Sounds like more of the same.

Often the hardest obstacle to overcome after a break up, is the urge to analyze everything the ex does, and look for meanings in their words and actions. Oft times there are none at all. Just feeble attempts at making you curious because they want attention.

But for you, any contact they make only confuses you, as your seeing now, that only brings questions that can't be answered, but the brain has to have an answer. It haunts you if it doesn't.

Many people think that this is a need for closure, and pursue those answers for closure, only to be drawn into a very vicious cycle of mind games from the ex. Whose only motivation is to change your mind, and get what they want from you.

Ignore them, and let acceptance of the break up be your closure, and a new beginning be your motivation. Send his texts and emails to spam, and have no further contact with him.

Remember he has nothing else to do now but scheme on how to keep you around while using the easiest ways possible to do so that require nothing but a second to send you into confusion, and stay on your mind.

This will pass if you let it, and give the healing process the time it needs to work. Then you will see the events of the past for what they were, a bad confusing time in your life that has been overcome and put it proper perspective, and moved beyond.

I think what you explain above just happened. First, he "liked" something on my Facebook page which he doesn't do if he is distancing himself. Second, he sent me a text message saying that he has been having a feeling that I've been going through some tough times and just wanted to encourage me in love. That my essence is with him all the time. Ending with "God Bless you right now, Dear." I did not respond to anything as really nothing required a response and also felt it was his way of trying to get me to respond and see if I am still there for when he needs me. His message really said nothing to me. If he REALLY wants to contact me, there is the old fashioned way... the phone.

Yes he could do the right thing and leave you out of his head games too.

Agreed. It's all about him not wanting to feel guilty for what he did and also to see if I am still on the sidelines. I feel as if I just took the power away from him by not responding and I will get MORE power in a couple of weeks when he is not acknowledged on his birthday. What do they say about payback? :)

I see your getting on a very good path, and that's a sure sign that the healing will begin soon. That's great as attitude is 90% of life. It will get so much better for you.

The longer you have absolutely no contact with him, the better your chances of healing, and moving beyond this experience are.

I know, it sucks that we give so much of ourselves, and get so little back, but that's history now!!

Getting stronger everyday. Seems ex still reaches out in some way that says absolutely NOTHING to me.

He uses anything religious (something safe) to send to me via text, Facebook or email. He is playing it safe with those types of messages. After all, who can falter someone wishing the Lord's blessing or inspiration!

I continue to ignore and not reply. Funny though how more and more are coming in and more frequent. MORE OF THE SAME! Don't need it. After all, I truly believe it is more about him wanting to not feel guilt at this point... not love. I WILL NOT give him the power back or the satisfaction.

Sure wish people like this would have a warning label on dating sites. **Beware** Would make for a lot less heartache for others.

His new lady may have dumped him and he's lonely.
Continue to ignore the clown

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

His new lady may have dumped him and he's lonely.
Continue to ignore the clown

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I don't believe there was a new lady BUT rather I am sure his attempts on the various dating sites are not as successful as he had hoped for. To this I say... "oh well".

Yes, I am continuing to ignore him.

That could be true. He's not getting any dates and is fishing to see if you're still available