Hi folks I found this board a few weeks ago and have been avidly reading as much as I can and I've found it so helpful.
The following may well be a long ramble and not make much sense but please bear with me and all help is taken with thanks.

My story is a definite case of how not to do things now I'm in such a state I have even made an appointment to see someone tomorrow for some help.

My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. But as a quick bit of history for you we have been friends for 10 years and talked about everything, used to go to see films and go for drinks etc. But never anything physical maybe the odd hand hold but that was it. We often drifted apart for a while if either one of us got in a relationship but would still talk and email occasionally. And to be fair I think I have always loved this girl.

18 months ago we finally got it together and things were going great, I had never been happier we talked on msn all day, and all night was great to ;-) I work shifts so even on a night shift she would stay up and chat to me and I would always call her to let her know I was safe after a job.

Her daughter and I got on well and as I was often up I used to make her daughter breakfast and often took her to school.

She has had some major family issues over the years and six months ago found out she was losing her job, she entered a period of depression and finally sought out help.

Our relationship began to struggle, the physical aspect cooled but I was OK with this as I understood what was going on, but everything else was still great.

6 weeks ago she said she wasn't happy was in a bad place and needed to be on her own, she still loved me and wanted me in her life and would always need me. I suggested we could fight this as a unit but she was adamant that she needed to be alone.

I have learnt now that I should have gone NC but I wanted to help, I loved her so much and had even bought a ring a few weeks prior and was going to ask her to marry me on her birthday.

We still talked everyday and she invited me over for my birthday we hung out had a meal and all was good, I chatted to her daughter (who still wasn't aware of the situation) and we all had a good time.

Over the next few days she cooled right off and like a fool instead of going away I carried on chatting to her, but also made the fatal mistake of speaking to her bro in law and her best friend about the situation.

I never revealed anything personal or was nasty about her in any way, rather only what could I do to help.

This really angered her and she was pissed that I had spoken to people behind her back, I calmly explained that I was only trying to understand the situation and was fighting for her but this didn't help at all, I also made the flaw of explaining that I would never hurt her and as I loved her so much I had even bought a ring but knew now that there was no need.

Over the next week I text a couple of times and got no reply. I went to a really bad place and started to drink lots! (I have never really been a drinker) for 2 weeks. In this period her sister asked me how I was and I told her I wasn't to good had been drinking a bit too much and felt bad over everything that had happened and that was all.

next thing I know I'm in trouble for talking again even though she wasn't mentioned and now I'm blocked from her Facebook page and she wouldn't talk to me.

On Monday she got in touch we talked over msn for an hour or two and she was still cross, and even played the line which hurt the most that she would have come back to me but I pushed her away.
I was hurting at this point and probably pleaded a bit too much :D she told me she hated me and the friendship was gone too. Her sign off was take care, drink isn't the answer x

So I guess its all my fault and I have ruined everything. I miss her so much and really miss her daughter too even though I have no right to,

I have been NC now for a week

I wouldn't say it's your fault and I think she knows this. As hard as it is to back off, she needs time and space so bless her with that. I am pretty sure she will calm down and come to you when she is ready, I have been in similar situations before and I know how hard it is but it always works out for the best.

Maybe there is something else going on she doesn't want you to know or maybe feels ashamed? Just give her space, she knows you care and so does her family. Be patient and strong :)

First of all, you need to understand why you're in NC in the first place. Check out the NC related threads to help, but to clarify, you need to go into NC in your situation because she wants to break up, but you still want to get back together, so you're living with false hope.

We have no idea if she ever wants to get back with you. But you obviously hope so. So you're trying to linger around, hoping to be as available to her as possible so that you can jump right in when she gives the signal.

You've already made your feelings clear, but she's also clear about her feelings. She doesn't want you in her life. Respect her wishes and back off.

No contact is for you to heal from your pains. Once you've healed completely, you will be more objective about your situation. Talking to the people around her about your problems is not going to change the bottom line.

The bottom line is if she wanted to repair this relationship, she would work with you. But she doesn't. You need to learn to accept her feelings before you can move forward. Asking for a break, is virtually a break up. Two reasons: (1) asking for a break is another way of letting someone down easy; (2) even if she wanted to come back to you, who knows when she will ask for another break, the trust is shaken, if you can't repair the damage that caused you to have that break in the first place, then getting back together will only blow up again.

It's extremely difficult to recover from a break, unless BOTH people involved are extremely committed to making it work. She's obviously lost all interest and who knows if she will ever get it back. At least she knows how you feel, so the ball is on her side of the court.

Furthermore, no contact in your situation is so that you don't have anymore false hope. You need to get her out of your system. Pretend as though she doesn't even exist. Don't get any updates about her life. The more material you have about her, the more things you'll have to dwell on, the longer it will take to recover.

While you're recovering, this is a good time to focus on yourself. Learn from the past experience. Do things to better yourself.

I think it's a positive step your taking by seeing a professional tomorrow,my hunch is she heard about your drinking and was concerned,however,from your post it would seem she has made herself perfectly clear in what she wants.

Continue no contact,see the councillor,stop drinking and start on the road to healing.

Breakups always hurt,you miss the routine,the affection,and the plans that you made.

For some reading material,I recommend the stickies in the relationship forum,look out for 'friend4u' 'kctiger' and 'i wish', their posts are inspiring.

Thanks guys, I maybe should have made it clear though that I'm using no contact to help heal me I have finally realised and begun to accept that we won't get back together or even speak, and as tough as it is I understand this is what is best for me.I need to repair myself and get out of this funk,

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Originally Posted by fireguy40

thanks guys, i maybe should have made it clear though that im using no contact to help heal me i have finally realised and begun to accept that we wont get back together or even speak, and as tough as it is i understand this is what is best for me.i need to repair myself and get out of this funk,

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Sounds good!

So what's your question?

I guess you already answered it, I was just hurting and confused about the break up, and maybe wanted a bit of support that no contact might help heal me

I agree with redhed35 but I have to spread some rep.

Do the counseling this will help you a great deal. Continue with NC.
She is no doubt angry, she asked for space and you did all you could to stay in her space.
In the meantime, look after yourself, stop drinking, stay away from conversations with her family... heal

There is always support here,your doing well and on the right track,don't doubt yourself.

Everyone has to find their own through.

You can update your post,ask questions,and also answer other questions if you feel you can help,its always good to help out another person.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

there is always support here,your doing well and on the right track,dont doubt yourself.

Everyone has to find their own through.

You can update your post,ask questions,and also answer other questions if you feel you can help,its always good to help out another person.

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Ditto!

You should've backed off earlier but there's no use in regrets. What you're doing now is good. Give her space and maybe over time the wounds will heal and you can finally start again.
It sounds like you guys are perfect for each other and that she really cares about you but some mountains you have to climb alone. This is her obstacle and she doesn't need it to be any more difficult.
In my opinion... there's still hope. Just don't get obsessed.

Thanks guys, I know I became an ex from hell and pretty classless hense why I'm going to get professional help. We will have to see how the next few months works out for me so I can begin to be normal again

Keep us posted

Quick update for you all, but firstly thanks for the replies.

Its been two weeks of no contact on either side and my head is getting better so I guess this is the best thing to happen for me .
Its still tough and I'm full of regret for my actions but I'm back at the gym and not drinking anymore and have almost begun to sleep again.
Had my first session with the head dr and it went well. We are just trying to work out why I acted like a loser, had a melt down and pushed so hard but its still very early days

I'm glad to hear it s going well.the journey of self discovery is a long and scary road,but one that reaps endless rewards.

Knowing how and why you react in situations will help give you the tools to cope with similar situations.

Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical,again well done for taking control.

Yeah I'm learning that now, I've been learning some coping strategies that overcome some major issues I have had in the past. I also discovered I may be suffering some ptsd due to a very messy fatal incident at work involving a group of kids that came the day before the breakup.

Each day gets better but its still hard to adjust to nc and not try to explain myself, oh well another day ticked off.

You doing really well,baby steps,do one thing at a time,this is a process,and there's no quick fix.

It's a cinch if you take it by the inch, its hard when you take it by the yard.

Just get through today, and worry about tomorrow when it comes. In time it gets better.

Cheers guys, that's the plan, I realise I may have projected a lot of issues from the kids dying onto the break up and missing her daughter as I never got to say goodbye
. This counselling helps but damn is it expensive lol

Another session done feeling pretty good. Although still a bit gutted to learn from reading here, that her needing space probably means that she had met someone else, oh well onwards and upwards

Don't get so down on that. Sometimes it hurts, but it could be a blessing in disguise. Like losing baby teeth, for adult ones.

I'm surprising OK about it to be honest, well as much as I can be.
I think I just feel like a mug for believing every classic line that was given to me in the breakup and believing it was all due to the problems in her life, not the fact that I had become the problem. A little time away and some reflection is a powerful thing

Well its been nearly two months of nc things are slowly getting better I'm back out doing all the stuff I gave up such as boxing and training at the gym, its still damn hard though, as so many people here have experienced I still think about her and her daughter everyday and hope they are OK, even though I know they don't want or need me to, roll on 90 days for some more reflection

I admire you for staying strong and keeping with NC.
I know how hard it is. Absolutely brutal.

Keep up the good work. It gets easier.

I hope so because its bloody hard right now but I did give away all my dignity and man card in an effort to win her back!
Her car was on my street last week and it knocked me for six. Out of sight out of mind was working nicely till then lol.
But onwards and upwards who knows what will happen in the future. And if nothing is heard by Christmas in an effort to reopen the friendship lines ill sent a little card to her and her daughter (if I'm fixed by then of course)

Honestly, I do not see a big deal with your reaction to the break up. Asking for her to come back immediately after the break up, and trying to be in her space for a while is a natural reaction. It is a wrong one, but one that is most of us would have done prior to reading these forums, and knowing better. You keep beating yourself up for that issue, as if your manhood is in question. What you did was not terrible, nothing to get counseling about, it was a normal reaction. You were trying to convince her to come back to the relationship. It happens all the time. I know people say that it pushes the girl away, but in all honesty, this girl had already left, and if she ever has the intension to come back, what you did in the first month or so would not make a difference, because she would realize she made a mistake, and would correct. Don't beat yourself up so much over your reaction. It seems you are blaming yourself for what happened in the relationship, and than pushing her away. It takes two to tango. What you are doing now is definitely the right thing to do though.

cheers mate I think your right about the guilt thing, the counseling was more do do with a combination of the breakup, (as I was about to ask her to marry me and the onl;y other girl I felt like that about ended up sleeping with my flatmate whilst I was on a night shift), and losing a kiddie in my arms at a job, my stress bucket just got too full. I hit the bottle hard as all ff do in an effort to deal in a world were asking for help is seen as a terrible sin lol.
Its daft we risk our lifes at the drop of a hat to help people we don't know, but when one of our brothers in arms needs and asks for help it's a terrible thing. As you can be seen as the wink link who might let the side down next time a kiddie is crying for help from a crashed car or a burning window.

Wow you sound like a very nice person and I completely agree with lifeistough75 - your reaction is nothing to be ashamed of! In fact your reaction reflects well on you. You didn't get mad (although you had every right to be) you kept looking for ways to fix it and help your partner. You deserved a better explanation and more time and opportunity to talk through the break up. Honestly you should be proud of how you reacted, I don't think anyone could criticise you for it. It's just a shame you got hurt

Thanks carolod2, I don't think it helped when home girl told me my ex had every right to be angry with me, helped me pile the guilt on myself lol

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Originally Posted by fireguy40

6 weeks ago she said she wasn't happy was in a bad place and needed to be on her own, she still loved me and wanted me in her life and would always need me.

We still talked everyday and she invited me over for my birthday we hung out had a meal and all was good, i chatted to her daughter (who still wasnt aware of the situation) and we all had a good time.

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No wonder you hung on.

She said she wanted to be on her own, but, then invites you over??

She gave mixed signals. When it suited HER she contacted you??

But if you contacted her it didn't suit her plan. Which sounds like it was all ME, ME, ME.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a hard time with passing of the child at work.

Your homegirl needs a attitude adjustment.

Hi kaka67 I guess this is true I could never understand why I was invited over I thought maybe it was because as a friend she still cared a bit, but who knows.

By homegirl do you meen my ex or homegirl on here who told me off ;-)

Oopsy no I meant your ex...

(Sorry don't know how to edit previous post)

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Originally Posted by martinizing2

I admire you for staying strong and keeping with NC.
I know how hard it is. Absolutely brutal.

Keep up the good work. It gets easier.

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It is also quite easy if you know your ex really doesn't want to speak to you and you know the reaction you'll get if you get in touch lol

God this is going to end up becoming a journal or log for me.
Had a funny day yesterday and for some reason sunk back to being a mess despite going for a good 6 mile run I couldn't clear my head.

Then in town I saw a couple who are friends with my ex and their new baby,
I went over to say hi as I really wanted to see their new baby who is only a few months old and had a quick chat.
I'm quite proud I managed not to mention my ex at all and just talked about the baby and a quick bit about life in general.

I left them feeling quite happy but now have a feeling I may have dropped one lol.

I have once again had a conversation with a friend of my ex initiated by me as I crossed the street to speak to them.
I also feel it was a bit of a stilted awkward conversation ( although I may well be projecting my feelings onto them ) and that I shouldn't have initiated it as I invaded a bit of personal time and space for them.

So I'm wondering did I do my usual blundering thing and ignore people on here and not stay away from conversations with friends of the ex or does this not count ? ;-)

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Originally Posted by liyah1

just give her time and space and see what will happen!

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That's the plan, I'm not getting in touch with her at all or trying to find out what she's up to.
Yesterdays meeting was purely by chance and was strictly about the new baby, and I was excited to see the baby as I was friends with them both throughout the pregnancy.
I just seem to keep coming here and writing stuff, it helps me process everything as I can't afford the counselor any more .

It takes time to heal and recover,no one gets it exactly right,it's a journey of self discovery and learning.

Your making a template for further relationships,you have nothing to go on only your own experience.

Everyone is different and the level of your emotional attachment to your ex will strongly influence your healing process,but your doing it,your getting there.

Your making the dots and joining them one by one,some day,soon,you will have the full picture and look back on your journey with pride and awe at how far you have come.

Your human, give yourself a break,be your own best friend and forgive yourself.

Today is a new day,the last few weeks of healing have not been erased by one conversation,its just another dot your going to join up.

Posting IS a great way to reflect and get feedback,and also read back on how far you have come.

Thanks redhead35 I'm in a much much much better place than when I came on here, I'm back to being a functioning member of society again compared to the broken man I was !
Don't get me wrong I'm not fixed but I'm getting there I can even talk to girls now and not feel like I'm cheating or doing something wrong ;-) I even had a date at the weekend which went pretty well.

I have learnt so much by reflecting on the past, I've learnt things I do wrong but also that I do manage to do quite a lot right and I'm not a bad person lol.

The biggest thanks I have to give to my ex regardless of the future is she has made me realise I want kids ( which for anyone who knows me is a massive step forward) want to get married and deserve to have someone who works as hard at life as I do!
And made me realise my communication skills in relationships have been poor.
I have often been afraid to say how I feel or give my opinion on things due to a fear they may not like what I have to say, where as a lot of problems could have been sorted in the early days in all my previous relationships.

On reflection on the conversation yesterday I don't think I did anything wrong, I didn't talk about the ex or our situation, and I should be able to talk to people who I know, say hi and congratulate them on a new arrival, I did nothing wrong so shouldn't worry about it

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

This is a great stickie in the relationship forum,one of my favourites,I think you might relate to 'friend4u' experience.

There's also another one written by 'i wish' called the meaning of no contact,another favourite.

Have a look,there are some great insights in those stickies and it might help you make another dot.

Thanks for the link. I read that on day one and to be fair it is part of what kept me going over the last 2 months it is a brilliant essay and sums my journey up so far.

I have carried out many of the things on that list,
I have thought about what I have done and am in the process of forgiving myself.
I learnt from the journey so when I begin a new one I have a map to begin with of how I want to be and I have surrendered all control to god, fate the universe or what ever I believe in that day lol.

Forgot to add an effort to cheer myself up and to have a reminder of what I need to be in the future I got some new ink on Friday so if I ever doubt myself or slip back, I have my tattoo to remind me of the good points of everything

A tattoo is certainly a permanent reminder!

There are a few good self help books on the market if you require a suggestion I can offer a few choices.

So far your going really well.