Ask Me Help Desk - I'm Back with my ex, I need help. She slept around

I'm Back with my ex, I need help. She slept around

I'm new to this so please bare with me. My ex and I have been together for 8 years. We've been broken up for 4 months. We got back together last 2 weeks ago. Yesterday she had to work, and because her house was junky, I decided to clean up(with her permission). Cleaning up, I found a 'warehouse' box of condoms(10 pack), and it was down to the last condom. My mind became numb at the point of seeing this. Now, I know its None of my business what she did when we were broken up. However, I usually tend to analyze things. We Never used condoms except for the first year we met.

I condom being used, I can understand. But down to the last one in the box seems to tell me that she has been screwin someone, and I'm thinking the same person. The problem I have with this is that, although we were broken up at the time... I don't know if I can trust this. We don't live together, and I know these thoughts and images will be in the back of my head when we are in separate beds for the evening. I will always wonder..

I will be honest and tell you all that I ALSO slept with people during the break up. I guess I thought I was over it. Therefore, I can understand if she did the same as well... It's just now that we are back together, I can't seem to release those images from my head, and I don't know if she will have sex with this person again. Maybe it's a trust issue... but it shouldn't be because we were broken up..

Please help... I don't want to ruin a good thing.. but I also don't want to be a fool. If there are related stickies on here that I may have missed, please copy and paste them. I really don't know what to do folks.

What is the problem? You slept with people so did she. If you can't deal with it, that is your problem.
You need to ask yourself if you can deal with this. If you can't, talk to her about it and let the chips fall where they may.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What is the problem? You slept with people so did she. If you can't deal with it, that is your problem.
You need to ask yourself if you can deal with this. If you can't, talk to her about it and let the chips fall where they may.

Yeah I understand. Its just sometimes your mind wanders and thinks that the next time we have an argument or break up, that this will happen again. We've only been back together for 2 weeks and already arguing... scary thought I know

Did you two resolve the problems of the break up? If not, no matter what is going on, you are still going to have problems.
How old are the two of you and why did you break up?

Many go through what you are experiencing. A lot of this has to do with how you feel about yourself. And what kind of coping skills you have to deal with yourself. Actually most guys (woman have dealt with this issue for centuries) get freaked when they think of what their woman can do, or will do when they are for one broken up, and for two, capable of.

Your ego has been slapped, and you no longer have the superiority, to look down your nose anymore because your personal possession as been possessed by another.

That what the images are about, and the trust issues are about. Low self esteem, that's tied to your bruised ego. Let it go, and be a better person, that's more aware of his weaknesses, and frailties. And be honest with yourself, if she had not had sex, you would be thrilled, and not have a problem, so wrap your head around the fact that a female can screw around just like a guy can. You did. Why can't she? At least she used condoms, that's good, and I hope you did too.

You were split up when she hooked up elsewhere, so that means it's none of your business.

What did you think, that every girl you've ever broke up with should stay celibate just in case you might change your mind and want them back? Ridiculous, especially knowing that you did the same thing.

The moment you broke up with her all claims regarding rights to sex were null and void. If she took on a gang of sailors the very next day then that is her business since she wasn't your girl at that time.

Get over it. If you stay together this time she might never have sex with another man, so give her a break already. Either forget it or move on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Many go thru what you are experiencing. A lot of this has to do with how you feel about yourself. And what kind of coping skills you have to deal with yourself. Actually most guys (woman have dealt with this issue for centuries) get freaked when they think of what their woman can do, or will do when they are for one broken up, and for two, capable of.

Your ego has been slapped, and you no longer have the superiority, to look down your nose anymore because your personal possession as been possessed by another.

That what the images are about, and the trust issues are about. Low self esteem, thats tied to your bruised ego. Let it go, and be a better person, thats more aware of his weaknesses, and frailties. And be honest with yourself, if she had not had sex, you would be thrilled, and not have a problem, so wrap your head around the fact that a female can screw around just like a guy can. You did. why can't she? At least she used condoms, thats good, and I hope you did too.

Couldn't agree more. It's hard but don't think about it. Try to forget the images you conjured up. You don't want to make something out of nothing.

If you found and empty box of condom it means she was having some fun which people usually do after a break up. Which means she was trying to get over and couldn't which mostly means she thought you were the better match for her than who ever she was sleeping with. If you can't have a relationship with trust your relationship is going to fail again.

If she's gone through a warehouse box of condoms, you should be using protection. And you have slept with others while you were broken up, and both of you should be checked for STD's. I would say that is a priority, and a safety issue.

Breakups happen for a reason. When you break up with someone, and then get back together, the past will come up and bite you in your derrierre. And this has happened, because you are right back to arguing again. Déjà vu all over isn't it?

There should be a period, before any reconcilliation, where you try to work out the differences you had that caused the breakup in the first place. To jump back into it without resolving anything, only means you've both had a reprieve. Nothing more.

Same people, same problems, same insecurities, same arguments, same patters of behaviour.

There has been no insight or resolve that has taken place, so just what is it that you think will make the second time around any better than the first?

You may wish to consider counselling to help you learn how to communicate better. If you can't talk and resolve the past, how can you plan a future.

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. The person that I slept with was a friend, and now my ex wants me to cut this person out my life, delete them off Facebook, etc... The only thing is Ive known this person for a LONG time. My friend understands that Im back in a relationship, and understands that we wouldn't be sleeping together anymore. I can understand how my girlfriend would feel uncomfortable, but I refuse to cut a friend out my life completely... Any suggestions?

Do you want your girl or your friend?
Maybe you should just call it quits all together. There is too much lack of trust here.
You're upset because she slept around when you broke up, but you broke up because you slept around and you don't want to stop being friends with the girl you slept with. Makes no sense to me

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Do you want your girl or your friend?
Maybe you should just call it quits all together. There is too much lack of trust here.
You're upset because she slept around when you broke up, but you broke up because you slept around and you don't want to stop being friends with the girl you slept with. Makes no sense to me

I didn't break up because I slept around. We broke up, went our separate ways and then it happened. This friend I grew up with since Kindergarten. We had a few drinks and sex happened. I was already broken up during this time

And your point would be what?? She can get more action than you can, if that's what she wants??

You were broken up, but so was she!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

And your point would be what??? She can get more action than you can, if thats what she wants???

You were broken up, but so was she!

The booze does it every time. Wish I had a dollar for every time I've read about having sex after getting drunk. I would be very wealthy and could take a trip to Paris.:rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by swimmerfan

I can understand how my gf would feel uncomfortable, but I refuse to cut a friend out my life completely....Any suggestions?

You don't trust her and she doesn't trust you not to continue to play games with other people. You can either both work through your own insecurities and work together to rebuild the trust or go your separate ways.

Frankly, going your separate ways seems the best idea. Then neither of you have to worry about who else the other person has in his/her life.

I hope you used a condom.

Has she stopped seeing the guy she slept with?

Just because you found a warehouse box of condoms doesn't mean she used it all. Sometimes I give condoms to my friends or when I am bore blow them up. So don't assume the worst and at least give her credit for having safe sex because believe it or not some don't.

Also, if the two of you are arguing all the time then this relationship lacks communication. If the two of you can't sit down to talk and listen to one another how can the two you be together? Didn't you say this was the reason for the break up in the past?

Also, do you really want to in an on and off relationship?

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Originally Posted by aimee_tt

Has she stopped seeing the guy she slept with?

Yes... he's just worried about the condoms.

Well then its only fair you stop seeing your friend...

Its not her fault you chose a good friend to have sex with.

I suppose you could try asking her if you can see your friend when your girlfriend is with you.. That way she won't be worried.. But really it's the friend or the GF... OR neither

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Originally Posted by aimee_tt

Well then its only fair you stop seeing your friend...

Its not her fault you chose a good friend to have sex with.

I suppose you could try asking her if you can see your friend when your girlfriend is with you.. That way she wont be worried.. But really its the friend or the GF... OR neither

Sure wouldn't want my husband online with someone he had slept with. That would be one laptop thrown out the window after I used a hammer to "fix it".:D

Yeah but they were broken up. So he didn't cheat.

If the girlfriend likes the girl then there shouldn't be a problem with supervised visitation in a few months time when she has had time to settle down.

If she didn't like the girl to start with then basically choose one or the other.

But honestly when you got back with your GF you would have had to have known this day would come!

You have to ask yourself what's more important a rocky relationship or a drunken sex buddy.

I wouldn't want to go hang out with the woman my boyfriend just slept with.

But I agree, sleeping with an old "friend" makes her not a platonic friend anymore. She is certainly a threat to your relationship with your girlfriend and I personally don't blame her for asking you to not stay in touch, at least for now. Maybe in a couple of years, things will be different. But if you are already putting the girl_friend before the girlfriend, then your relationship is doomed, I think. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

As for the condoms, those thoughts are all your own. You have no idea where they came from or how they were used. But if you ask her be prepared to listen to an honest answer and accept it. Never ask questions you don't want the answers to. Maybe she blew them up as balloons. You could think of that every time you start to torture yourself. I think you should not confront her, just give yourself a few weeks to get over it and really seriously try not to think about it.

You got a lot of good advice here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aimee_tt

Yeah but they were broken up. So he didnt cheat.

If the girlfriend likes the girl then there shouldnt be a problem with supervised visitation in a few months time when she has had time to settle down.

If she didnt like the girl to start off with then basically choose one or the other.

But honestly when you got back with your GF you would have had to have known this day would come!

You have to ask your self whats more important a rocky relationship or a drunken sex buddy.

You're totally right

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Originally Posted by swimmerfan

I didnt break up because i slept around. We broke up, went our separate ways and then it happened. This friend i grew up with since Kindergarden. we had a few drinks and sex happened. I was already broken up during this time

So you're upset with her doing the same thing you did! Would you want your girl to continue to talk to the guy she had sex with? I'll bet not.

You two need to leave each other alone.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

So you're upset with her doing the same thing you did! Would you want your girl to continue to talk to the guy she had sex with? I'll bet not.

You two need to leave each other alone.

Walk away.. you have two different sets of rules for a man and a woman. It's okay that slept with someone when you were "drunk". It's okay you keep in touch with this woman on Facebook.. but you are ticked because you found an empty or almost empty box of condoms... You were broken up.. if she had bought stock in the Trojan Condom Company.. it's none of your business. YOU AND SHE WERE NOT TOGETHER.. Get over it or get out...

Comments on this post
asking agrees: which two do you mean Homegirl? I'm confused!

He and his girl friend.
He's angry because she slept around when they broke up, she angry because he wants to continue seeing the "friend" he slept with.
I see no solutions here.
He needs to leave his girl friend. Maybe his "best friend" will be there waiting for him.

I didn't think that OP said he was angry--just that he was having visualizations he wanted out of his head and worried he would not trust her.

He wrote:

Quote:

I will be honest and tell you all that I ALSO slept with people during the break up. I guess I thought I was over it. Therefore, I can understand if she did the same as well... It's just now that we are back together, I can't seem to release those images from my head, and I don't know if she will have sex with this person again. Maybe it's a trust issue... but it shouldn't be because we were broken up..

To me this is an honest, conflicted statement of how he's feeling, not an attack on his girlfriend. He's admitting that what he's feeling isn't necessarily fair. I don't feel that he's justifying his feelings, but instead asking for help about how to get past them, recognizing they are destructive to his relationship.

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Originally Posted by asking

I didn't think that OP said he was angry--just that he was having visualizations he wanted out of his head and worried he would not trust her.

He wrote:

To me this is an honest, conflicted statement of how he's feeling, not an attack on his girlfriend. He's admitting that what he's feeling isn't necessarily fair. I don't feel that he's justifying his feelings, but instead asking for help about how to get past them, recognizing they are destructive to his relationship.

The two of them are arguing all the time... Maybe counseling will help. I think he's very insecure and so is she. Lot of tension.

Lets not forget his unwillingness to leaving his friend that he slept with alone. He is fine with it, but his girl is not, so maybe they both have crossed a line of no return.

I think if he gives up his woman friend and understands why that's necessary and gets a handle on his own jealous feelings, it seems like things could potentially get back on an even keel. They were together for 8 years. (But we don't know what else is wrong.)

But if he wants to keep the other woman as a "friend," I think the arguments will continue and they might as well quit now.

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Originally Posted by asking

I think if he gives up his woman friend and understands why that's necessary and gets a handle on his own jealous feelings, it seems like things could potentially get back on an even keel. They were together for 8 years. (But we don't know what else is wrong.)

But if he wants to keep the other woman as a "friend," I think the arguments will continue and they might as well quit now.

You're right.. I believe we should hear as Paul Harvey used to say, "the rest of the story."

I'd be curious as to where you see this relationship going. I didn't see any answers here about how old you two are or how long ago you've met or anything. 8 years is an awful long time to be in a relationship without taking it to the next level. There has to be a reason for this. Maybe the same reason why getting back together isn't such a good idea?

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I will be honest and tell you all that I ALSO slept with people during the break up. I guess I thought I was over it. Therefore, I can understand if she did the same as well... It's just now that we are back together, I can't seem to release those images from my head, and I don't know if she will have sex with this person again. Maybe it's a trust issue... but it shouldn't be because we were broken up..

He doesn't know if she will have sex with this guy again. How about his girl friend not knowing he he will do the same. He does not want to give up his friend even though he had sex with her.
They have been together 8 years. That is a long time. I'd like to know why after 8 years they are still just dating and why they broke up?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Quote:
I will be honest and tell you all that I ALSO slept with people during the break up. I guess i thought i was over it. Therefore, I can understand if she did the same as well....It's just now that we are back together, I can't seem to release those images from my head, and I don't know if she will have sex with this person again. Maybe its a trust issue....but it shouldn't be because we were broken up..

He doesn't know if she will have sex with this guy again. How about his girl friend not knowing he he will do the same. He does not want to give up his friend even though he had sex with her.
They have been together 8 years. That is a long time. I'd like to know why after 8 years they are still just dating and why they broke up?

Clearer picture now!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

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I'd like to know why after 8 years they are still just dating and why they broke up?

Oh! Good point!

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Originally Posted by asking

Oh! Good point!

Maybe they argued all the time. Eight years is a big chunk out of a life.
After that many years I don't think it's going to happen. I hope they don't waste another eight.