Threads merged

I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years yesterday. He means the world to me, and I mean the world to him. He was just everything - we were so close, and are so in love with each other. He is the only person I have ever loved. But we have deep issues and problems that simply cannot be resolved, such as our personal beliefs, varying religions and constant arguments. Being in the relationship was so painful for me and I knew there was no future, so after months and months of deliberation and trying to ignore the problems, I have finally found the courage to leave.

But now I do not have a clue what to do. He is devastated. At first when I started talking about this a week ago he didn't believe me, then once it sunk in he became so emotional, saying I'd betrayed him.. what about our future.. we had planned marriage and children and everything - he was TRULY in bits - to him I am "The One".

I have broken his heart, mine is torn too, and I know he is hurting so much inside. So am I. Please help me.. I just don't know what to do. This is agony.

Well obviously you still love him and he still loves you. I'm not sure if you believe in second chances but it could be worth a try. If it works out the next time things'll be easier but if not you should at least try to move on

Thanks for your answer, yes I do still love him and he loves me too, but the problems we have are so serious that really it will never work. I have been trying to get it to work for 2 years, and there has been no luck. Sometimes I wonder if it's really him I love, or the idea of what I thought he was or what he could be.

I just feel so sad when I remember how we used to be.. the laughs, the cuddles, the connection there was between us... the nights we spent together and the times when he held me and I felt so safe and in love... I just know it will never come back and that is the hardest thing.

Sorry I just think I needed to rant a bit about it to get it all off my chest.

If your problems in the relationship were really that serious, then you have definitely done the right thing in breaking it off. Nothing good could come out of continuing a dead-end relationship.

Best thing you can do now is go complete NC so both of you can heal.

But how can I just not contact someone who I have spoken to every day for the last 2 years, spent so many days and nights with and who is such a huge part of my life? It seems impossible.

As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to be there with him and help him through the pain, and for him to help me. I just don't think I can cope.

Break ups suck, but besides the NC, vent and rant here all you want. That's why we are here. Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum for some insights into how to cope with the pain, and allow yourself to heal.

There is a link in my signature.

What were the religious beliefs? Could you elaborate on the arguments and why you think this is hopeless.

You say you're miserable and he is too.

Thank you, I have been reading all these NC rules and things that other people have said, and it's making me feel like maybe somewhere there is a little bit of hope.

Basically he is a Muslim and I am Agnostic, he has very strong opinions on what women should wear and do etc etc... I have completely the opposite opinions.. he had such a strong control over me in many ways that at one stage it got to the point where I was "not allowed" to go swimming and wear a bikini, I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts over the top to cover myself up... that is just one example.. we also argued tonnes about things... he could be quite rude to people who I lived with at University and is different to me in so many ways such as in ambition/attitudes to spending and money. Just lots of small things that really add up into one huge problem. I am not perfect either and can be difficult too, but it was a bad match.

Also he told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore as it was against his beliefs and he wanted to become more religious. You can imagine the pain of hearing that from someone you love.

So you can see that ultimately, between us things could only get worse, as one of us wasn't going to miraculously change our beliefs and I just couldn't go on conforming to all his wants and wishes. But despite all that we loved each other to pieces and depended on each other an awful lot, and the hardest thing is knowing that he is not there for me anymore. And that he is going through agony too.

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Thank you, I have been reading all these NC rules and things that other people have said, and it's making me feel like maybe somewhere there is a little bit of hope.

Basically he is a Muslim and I am Agnostic, he has very strong opinions on what women should wear and do etc etc... I have completely the opposite opinions.. he had such a strong control over me in many ways that at one stage it got to the point where I was "not allowed" to go swimming and wear a bikini, I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts over the top to cover myself up... that is just one example.. we also argued tonnes about things... he could be quite rude to people who I lived with at University and is different to me in so many ways such as in ambition/attitudes to spending and money. Just lots of small things that really add up into one huge problem. I am not perfect either and can be difficult too, but it was a bad match.

Also he told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore as it was against his beliefs and he wanted to become more religious. You can imagine the pain of hearing that from someone you love.

So you can see that ultimately, between us things could only get worse, as one of us wasn't going to miraculously change our beliefs and I just couldn't go on conforming to all his wants and wishes. But despite all that we loved eachother to pieces and depended on eachother an awful lot, and the hardest thing is knowing that he is not there for me anymore. And that he is going through agony too.

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I'm probably not the one who should answer this because I do not believe in a man telling a woman what she can or cannot wear. I do not believe in a man who demands a woman to follow his rules. Neither do I believe in a man telling a woman what she can and cannot do. If my husband were to to tell me I couldn't wear a bikini.. I swear I would buy a thong and on me that isn't a pretty sight.

As for him insulting your friends that is a form of trying to control you and who you choose to be friends with. I'm sorry that in its self tells me me you did the right thing. I know some of the experts will give you better advice than me. Tal is a Gem... Good Luck and I'm so sorry!. Kit

No, thanks you're right, I don't agree with it either.. I know it is wrong and that it would only get worse, so that's why it has to end. I can control him too like I feel I can act like his mother and tell him what he should eat to be healthy etc... but I would never try to control him to the extreme of ordering him what to/what not to wear... I would never be allowed clubbing either.. not that I want to go but it's like he's decided it for me... it's just not fair.

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

No, thanks you're right, I don't agree with it either.. I know it is wrong and that it would only get worse, so that's why it has to end. I can control him too like I feel I can act like his mother and tell him what he should eat to be healthy etc.... but I would never try to control him to the extreme of ordering him what to/what not to wear.... I would never be allowed clubbing either.. not that I want to go but it's like he's decided it for me.... it's just not fair.

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I wish it could work out, but unless he changes or unless you want to be a doormat.. I think you did the right thing. I don't believe you want to be anyone's doormat. .

There has to be a balance in a relationship and you are the one who seems to have gotten the short end of the stick. Telling him to eat right is a whole lot different than telling him he can't go out to lunch with his friend because you don't like them. Only an example.

I hope you move on from this.. because if this has been his belief all his life, I don't see him changing. Good Luck and You are in my prayers... Kit

I certainly don't want to be anybody's doormat. That's going straight on my list of reasons it wouldn't work! The difficult thing now that I've made up my mind is coping with the aftermath. We have to meet after exams in 3 weeks (the longest EVER without seeing eachother) so I can give him back his stuff, and talk properly, because I feel I owe him a proper explanation in person rather than on the other end of the phone. Hopefully all the feelings of love and desire won't come rushing back too strongly. And I can't stop worrying about him and how he's not sleeping/eating/revising for his exams properly.

God, I just feel like I'll never meet someone else who I can be so close with... who I can ring in the middle of the night and feel so welcomed and loved.. I suppose in ways I wasn't getting all of that from him anyway but still it's so scary. I don't know how people cope with this!!

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

I certainly don't want to be anybody's doormat. That's going straight on my list of reasons why it wouldn't work! The difficult thing now that I've made up my mind is coping with the aftermath. We have to meet after exams in 3 weeks (the longest EVER without seeing eachother) so I can give him back his stuff, and talk properly, because I feel I owe him a proper explanation in person rather than on the other end of the phone. Hopefully all the feelings of love and desire won't come rushing back too strongly. And I can't stop worrying about him and how he's not sleeping/eating/revising for his exams properly.

God, I just feel like I'll never meet someone else who I can be so close with... who I can ring in the middle of the night and feel so welcomed and loved.. I suppose in ways I wasn't getting all of that from him anyway but still it's so scary. I don't know how people cope with this!!!

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We have all gone through this, luckily you aren't married to the guy and you have no children. You learn to take it one step at a time.. then one day at a time. It isn't going to be easy , especially when you still love him.
It won't happen overnight or even in a month. You will cry a lot and second guess yourself many times. There will be nights you walk the floor and think you did the wrong thing. The good news is it doesn't last forever and one day you hear yourself humming and looking forward
To the day.
I wish there were a way to get over it faster. A year from now.. I think you will be a lot happier or even a month or two from now. There is a great feeling when you're no longer walking on eggshells and dancing to his tune.
He is probably a good man but his beliefs about women have been instilled in him and it would be like trying to change the tide. He is strong in his beliefs as I am mine and I'm a Baptist. Only difference is I and my husband believe the same way and we brought our children up the same way. If you two had children just think of the turmoil there would be... Hope I've helped a little... God Bless... Kit

Thank you, you definitely have helped, some of the things you've said I've been thinking myself but it's really good when somebody else expresses similar opinions. I am lucky we weren't married/didn't have children.. I often think about how awful that would be and how cruel it would be to bring children into such a conflict. He is a very good person, but yes he has been brought up this way and changing is not an option.

The crying a lot has been happening yes but like you said, I hope through time it will get better. I think I just need to stop texting and talking to him, and depending on him so much. The NC idea should come into play soon once the initial shock has worn off.

He said he wasn't going to bother doing his exams anymore as he was only doing it all for me in the first place... his degree, his boxing... everything.. that was quite painful. Gah, this is a nightmare! But thanks, you have helped, I think I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight. I wonder if you've ever been through something like this before? I am glad you are happy with your husband though, that must be very good if you both believe the same.

Goodnight :)

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Thank you, you definitely have helped, some of the things you've said I've been thinking myself but it's really good when somebody else expresses similar opinions. I am lucky we weren't married/didn't have children.. I often think about how awful that would be and how cruel it would be to bring children into such a conflict. He is a very good person, but yes he has been brought up this way and changing is not an option.

The crying a lot has been happening yes but like you said, I hope through time it will get better. I think I just need to stop texting and talking to him, and depending on him so much. The NC idea should come into play soon once the initial shock has worn off.

He said he wasn't going to bother doing his exams anymore as he was only doing it all for me in the first place... his degree, his boxing... everything.. that was quite painful. Gah, this is a nightmare! But thanks, you have helped, I think I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight. I wonder if you've ever been through something like this before? I am glad you are happy with your husband though, that must be very good if you both believe the same.

Goodnight :)

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My first marriage was to a man who treated me like I was five. I was very young and very far from home. I put up with his demanding ways for a long time. No make up, no shorts, no cutting my hair and no calling my parents because it cost too much. He took the car keys to the base with him so I couldn't leave and go to the store or anywhere.

I was a very good girl and he was my first everything. I loved him and I thought I must be doing something wrong to be treated in such a way. I won't go into the physical and mental abuse because every time I do it brings back horrible memories. I had never seen my dad hit my mom, it was something very alien to me.

When my daughter was very young there was an incident and I fought back and left. Here's the kicker.. even after all that I still missed him. It took a while to know he would never change and he hasn't. Multiple marriages and each time the divorce was caused by his abuse. I haven't seen him in over thirty years and I thank God for that. My husband made up for all the horrible things I had gone through and he treats my child as if she were his.

I learned a lot through all that and I hope you know how lucky you are to have escaped any physical abuse, although I think emotional abuse is sometimes much worse. You will love again someday when you least expect it and you'll wonder how you ever lived before you met your true love. We all get second chances sweetie and you have yours now. You sleep well and know, we are here if you need us and you keep on posting as much as you want... Blessings... Kit

Gosh that sounds like a really difficult relationship to come out of, especially as you loved him very much and had a child together. That is amazing that you managed to leave. Finding the courage to leave someone you live with must be so much harder.
I think I am lucky in a way, because I have escaped what would have been a lifetime of arguments, and there were hints there that the relationship might've become abusive it other ways, just hints... I truly hope one day I eventually meet someone else, but for the time being I don't want to communicate with another potential boyfriend ever again!

It's so odd, I spoke to him yesterday morning (the day after the break up), he got really upset and was really asking for us to try again. Then his phone rang and he had to go, he said he'd call me back. He was on the phone to someone (I think it was his brother) for about 2 hours. He didn't call me back after that. Now it's basically a day later (10am) and even though I've messaged him and called him quite a few times saying I'm really worried and will he ring me, he hasn't. I have this horrid fear that something's happened to him or he's done something to himself.. I know it's unlikely but seriously he would never not talk to me like this ever... and he lives 3 hours away so it's not like I can just pop over to check. Grrr it's driving me crazy not knowing if he's okay!!

It's okay. He eventually texted me to say he is fine. Thanks for all your advice, I am just going to try and get on with my day as best as normal. Have a lovely day x

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

It's okay. He eventually texted me to say he is fine. Thanks for all your advice, I am just going to try and get on with my day as best as normal. Have a lovely day x

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You too and try to break contact, even if you have to do it a day at a time... Blessings... Kit

Threads merged


Today is a couple of days after the break up and I still feel so raw. I am the one who broke it off because I couldn't cope with it anymore, I have gone into details in my one other post.. basically he was quite controlling and our differences became unbearable in the end. I was not happy. But I love him so deeply and miss him so much my heart feels like it's about to explode. I just can't stop crying and thinking about him, he was my everything and I depended on him emotionally so much. I have texted him but he hasn't replied, he told me to stop torturing him by talking to him, so I think it's time to stop that now. But I just can't seem to find the strength to let go. I feel so guilty for putting him through this. He must hate me so much, and I can't bear that thought as I know he was so deeply in love with me and I love him so much too. He has exams in a couple of days which I don't think he is bothering about anymore and I feel like it's all my fault. This is the cruelest thing in the world and I feel like I can't cope anymore. I know long-term it's the right answer, but right now it's quite hard to properly believe that. And I don't want somebody I love and care about so much to never speak to me again. The idea of never being close to him again makes it feel like he's died or something... I know that sounds quite dramatic but that's honestly how it feels.

I'm sorry to talk about it again, but I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't really feel like it's fair on my family or best friend to mention it anymore, they just want me to forget about it. I think just getting the feelings out on here can help sometimes. Thank you.

The more you think about it, the longer you drag out the pain.

Distract yourself as much as possible. Here are a list of things to do to help distract yourself: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

Once you've healed from all your pains, you can always come back to these thoughts, but only when you're ready.

Until then, distraction is the key.

This is the place to vent, rant, and examine yourself, as we have all been through the trauma that break ups cause.

'I wish', I am definitely trying to distract myself as much as possible, but it's hard to feel any happiness or hop, and also hard because I don't want to feel like I'm doing enjoyable things when I know he's so sad and upset about it all. I feel guilty. Also, now that all these emotions are coming out, I'm beginning to find it so hard to remember the reasons I broke up with him the first place. I tell myself, maybe it wasn't that bad sometimes.. I know deep down it was that bad really, but the strong negative feelings about it I had last week that made me make the final decision seem to have faded away now that I'm on my own. Like we had cancelled a holiday together due to unforseen reasons and so instead of re-booking it with him I booked it with a girlfriend instead - last week that seemed like the best idea in the world as a holiday together would have been a nightmare, but today I can't stop thinking about "what if we went on holiday.. what if we actually had fun and he didn't spend the whole time telling me what to wear"... Oh I don't know. It's like a rollercoaster. It keeps going up, and down, and up and down... what if this never ends

Talaniman - Your quotes are really true and though-provoking; I would love to become wise enough or self-sufficient enough one day to feel like I don't need a relationship to keep me happy.

It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?

Have you read the NC related threads in my signature? The up and down feelings is a natural part in the healing process. The pain can get worse, but once it's reached it's highest point, it will only get easier from there.

But if you give in to the pain, then you're going to reset the progress and restart the healing process. Dragging out the pain can be dreadful. Therefore, keep taking steps to better yourself and do things that make you happy, i.e. the list of things to do to help distract yourself. The more happy things you do for yourself, the less attention you will give to this break, and the easier it will be to move on.

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

But how can I just not contact someone who I have spoken to every day for the last 2 years, spent so many days and nights with and who is such a huge part of my life? It seems impossible.

As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to be there with him and help him through the pain, and for him to help me. I just don't think I can cope.

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I'm in the same boat but I'm the dumpee. It sucks knowing that me and my girlfriend had a strong relationship for almost 4 years. She broke up with me 3 nights ago. NC seems so impossible. I've been keeping busy and trying not to think about her. But random things bring her up in my mind.

Just keep on posting evamee and we'll help all we can. You are among friends here and we will try to help you through this... OK?

Hi everyone, thanks very much, it's nice to know that some people are listening and understand what I'm going through.

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Originally Posted by prowaker

im in the same boat but im the dumpee. it sucks knowing that me and my girlfriend had a strong relationship for almost 4 years. she broke up with me 3 nights ago. NC seems so impossible. ive been keeping busy and trying not to think about her. but random things bring her up in my mind.

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Prowaker, I really empathise with you - this whole experience is terrible and is just like a knife being sliced right through you. My boyfriend and I were so close too, so SO close, and it makes me feel physically sick when I realise that that will never be the same again. Ever... it is over now. That is just the worst part. I know you may ask why I did it then, but I was so unhappy at times that it just had to be done. Maybe that's how your girlfriend feels too? That she loves you to bits but couldn't cope with the pain anymore? NC for me has been very hard too, but he obviously doesn't want to talk to me (hasn't replied to my texts) so it is clear he wants some space. I am going to try to leave him alone. How are you feeling today? I imagine you might be feeling similarly to how my boyfriend is feeling perhaps. Mind you he is angry with me, and clearly upset and confused. I just can't believe that after all these days and nights together it's actually ended, and I will never feel his presence there beside me again, hugging me, making me feel safe and happy and so relaxed.

'I wish' is so right. This comment: "It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?" is so true. I know it would never "fix" itself, and I can only carry on with the hope that one day things will get better. Between now and then, I am barely functioning, but the positive and hopeful words from people are making it seem more possible.

Thank you again. And thank you KitKat, you are helping more than you know.

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Hi everyone, thanks very much, it's nice to know that some people are listening and understand what I'm going through.



Prowaker, I really empathise with you - this whole experience is terrible and is just like a knife being sliced right through you. My boyfriend and I were so close too, so SO close, and it makes me feel physically sick when I realise that that will never be the same again. Ever... it is over now. That is just the worst part. I know you may ask why I did it then, but I was so unhappy at times that it just had to be done. Maybe that's how your girlfriend feels too? That she loves you to bits but couldn't cope with the pain anymore? NC for me has been very hard too, but he obviously doesn't want to talk to me (hasn't replied to my texts) so it is clear he wants some space. I am going to try to leave him alone. How are you feeling today? I imagine you might be feeling similarly to how my boyfriend is feeling perhaps. Mind you he is angry with me, and clearly upset and confused. I just can't believe that after all these days and nights together it's actually ended, and I will never feel his presence there beside me again, hugging me, making me feel safe and happy and so relaxed.

'I wish' is so right. This comment: "It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?" is so true. I know it would never "fix" itself, and I can only carry on with the hope that one day things will get better. Between now and then, I am barely functioning, but the positive and hopeful words from people are making it seem more possible.


Thank you again. And thank you KitKat, you are helping more than you know.

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Call me Kit... You're my friend. Wow.. I am so glad to read what you wrote to the other who is going through something similar. You are a very, very strong young lady. I don't think you realize that. Do you know how much strength it takes to admit you know when a relationship is bad? You really intend to stick to your guns and that is something I don't hear very often.

Don't listen to sad music... it only makes it worse. Put on "I Will Survive" and dance and you scream and cry and laugh at the same time. You are a survivor. It does make me feel like I am needed when you say I'm helping. I just hope I can get you through this and when you meet the right guy you can name your first child after me:D

You will meet that person and he will respect you and love you and not try to dominate you. Keep doing what your doing and come on this site and look for other women or men who are going through what you are now. Your advice to someone here.. could help someone who may be thinking of ending a relationship just like yours and don't know how to do it.

You gave great words of wisdom to the guy on this site. Think of how many more you could help. Hugs to you...

eveamee09
Today I was not bad I kept really busy hung out with my family. How are you? Now I'm not mad at my "girlfriend" I'm more confused. I have not slept properly over the past few days nor been eating properly. I'm more concerned that I will be kicked out her life and she will immediately jump into another relationship (which I replied on my other post) so I'm hoping she won't knowing her very well. I believe she might have felt the way you did. To be completely honest I was some what over protected as times, but not as much to tell her she could not be in a bikini.
I recently found out that her parents don't want me around their daughter anymore and her not to have anything to do with me or my family. So that is very hurtful.
I don't know if I can take another day of NC, before everyone yells at me and tells me not to. She is the type of girl that will talk/text back. She understands me and knows what's going on more than I do. If her parents didn't dislike me so much it might be a little easier to fix our break up or at least give me a chance to talk to her. I really hope she does still like me even the slightest bit, but if she doesn't being friends for me would still be amazing.

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Call me Kit... You're my friend. Wow ..I am so glad to read what you wrote to the other who is going through something similar. You are a very, very strong young lady. I don't think you realize that. Do you know how much strength it takes to admit you know when a relationship is bad? You really intend to stick to your guns and that is something i don't hear very often.

Don't listen to sad music...it only makes it worse. Put on "I Will Survive" and dance and you scream and cry and laugh at the same time. You are a a survivor. It does make me feel like i am needed when you say I'm helping. I just hope i can get you through this and when you meet the right guy you can name your first child after me:D

You will meet that person and he will respect you and love you and not try to dominate you. Keep doing what your doing and come on this site and look for other women or men who are going through what you are now. Your advice to someone here..could help someone who may be thinking of ending a relationship just like yours and don't know how to do it.

You gave great words of wisdom to the guy on this site. Think of how many more you could help. Hugs to you...

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Hi Kit, thanks so much for your uplifting comment, it's really nice to read things that make me smile and feel positive, even if just for a moment. And haha, yes I might just name my first child after you, only my real name is Katherine (Katie) so if my child's called Kit that might be a bit too much of a match!

I keep reminding myself all the time of the fact that he was dominating, that I couldn't be my true self, and had to walk on eggshells around him most of the time in case I said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing and made him angry. I KNOW that is not healthy, and to be honest, the whole 2 years we have been together has been a CONSTANT stress, a constant worry and a constant feeling of pain. I don't want to go through that forever. I know that that would never end if I stayed in that relationship, but coming out of it, there is a strong chance that one day I will feel some sort of happiness again, and perhaps find someone who made me feel like it was okay to be myself and have the opinions that I want to have, not that he wants me to have. So at the moment, that's all that's keeping me going really.

I was saying to prowaker in his other thread that one of the hardest parts is knowing that he's going through a huge amount of pain, is most likely sitting wallowing in his flat, and not revising one bit for his major exams that are coming up at the end of this week and all next week. He said to me that he's not going to bother anymore, because he was only doing it all for me anyway, and he doesn't even care about his big boxing match anymore that he's been looking forward to. Not to mention the fact that he's definitely not sleeping, or eating. Now that is just so hard, it's so hard to even TRY to move on when you know what your actions have caused somebody else to go through. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not my fault he's like that, it's just the way it happened, but I feel SO guilty and so much like I want to help him, but I don't know how? At the moment I'm just trying my hardest not to contact him so as to let him sort himself out as best he can.

Although his Mum has been texting me (I like her we get on really well) and said we could have a chat today or tomorrow. Do you think it's a good idea to talk to his Mum about it? He doesn't live with her by the way, so it's not like he'll be listening too or anything, but is it a good idea? Just wondered what you thought!



Hi prowaker, like I said in my other post on your thread, I hope you're getting through the day okay and coping all right. That's nice that you have a supportive family there, they will always be there to help you.

It must be tough knowing that her parents might've influenced her decision. But at the end of the day, like we said, if she's not going to be with you and be fully happy about it due to unconditional love and commitment, then is that really what you'd want anyway?

Also, you said about the not being able to talk on the phone thing... my gosh that has been one of the hardest things for me too. Almost unbearable, actually. Because like you we both would talk every night without fail, and that was what got me through some hard nights and made me feel relaxed and able to sleep. We'd tell each other how much we loved each other, talk about our day... talk about the future sometimes... knowing that he's not here anymore to care or support me is so heartbreaking, often that's what gets me down the most. It's like the one person who means the world to you has gone, and can never be fully replaced. So I think we both just need to stay strong and try to think positively, and know that each day can only get better from here on!

Best of luck guys. And sorry for the extra long post, my University course is all about writing essays so maybe I'm applying that too much to this too!

I have a feeling if you go talk with his mother, he'll show up and you'll be back at square one.


I also think he is using the exam thing as an excuse to make you feel guilty. He has lost his little puppet and he knows you're getting stronger and he can't stand it.

I think you're doing great and he knows that and he will manipulate as much as he can, and it will set you back.

Don't let him do it! Keep posting... Kit

Thanks Kit, you know I think you might be right about the exam thing, he did say he wouldn't take them very near to when I told him it was over so it's likely it was an attempt at a bit of a win-back technique. His Mum actually rang me in the end and we chatted about the whole thing. I told her my reasons and feelings and she was very supportive and understood. We have both decided that it's probably best (because both of us have really important exams over the next 3 weeks) to cut contact for 3 weeks and make the whole thing more official afterwards. This also gives me time to get used to being on my own and not talking to him before I take the last big step and sever it completely. It's really quite tough at the moment as I miss him IMMENSELY but I am trying my best. Will I stop missing him and longing for him one day? Having him hold me and hug me is all I can really think about at the moment. In my fantasy world it would make all my problems go away.. unfortunately in reality that would only make them worse :(

Today has been a really bad day. I feel like I am having a break-down. I cannot stop crying/panicking/feeling really sorry for myself and negative.. I have written out a huge email of questions to him that I am so tempted to send but I don't think I should. I actually feel the lowest I've ever felt and don't know what to do with myself. My family aren't being very supportive at all because they are all so busy with themselves and their own problems.. I just can't handle this anymore. I have such a desire to tell him how I'm feeling and get him to understand... I hate that he thinks it's all my fault when he doesn't have a clue of the pain he's put me through over the past few months and of how much I am hurting right now. I don't know what to do.

Yes you do. You know exactly what to do.

Make some coffee and look forward to a great day. And thank God for being able to enjoy it. Well its morning here, and that's the way we start the day at my house.

What time is it where you are?

I'm sorry to here that eveamme.
You can do it, you and will pull through together!
I haven't felt that down yet, which is good and bad I guess.
I really wish I could just hug it out with her and make everything the way it used to be or go back in time and just don't do what happened for this to end like this.
The night is worst for me all I dream about is her and I when we were happy and joyful. So right now I'm good but come another 10 hours or so it will hit again.

Take a deep breath and calm down. This is exactly how he wants you to react. You owe him nothing! Any man who emotionally abuses a woman and that's what he's done isn't deserving of anything.

Don't fall back into his trap, that's exactly what he wants you to do.
He's a big baby who wants you to feel guilty about leaving him.

Well I say, Hooray for you for finally finding your backbone again and getting out of Dodge. So what if he doesn't take his exams? It isn't your fault.

He is waiting like a big old tiger for you to come and ask him all these things and when you do, you'll be right back under his power again.

He sounds like a Mommas boy and if his mom has let her husband dictate and mentally abuse her all these years, lets just say about your ex, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I wouldn't care to bet you if they were able, they would have you all walking three steps behind them and bowing when they came through the door.

Tough words , but this guy is going to try to ruin your life one way or another.. He has lost his
Little woman and knows you are getting over it.

Don't go back... change your number or block him from evrything... Please...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Will I stop missing him and longing for him one day?

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You will. It just takes time. I've been through 3 relationships where I felt just like that for the first few months after the break up. You feel like you're never going to be happy again. The last relationship just ended over a month ago and I was in pretty bad shape there for a few weeks.

Reading the stickies, venting on here, listening to the advice and trying new things (such as running 3 miles every night) have really helped me move on. My situation was a mess and it still hits me every now and then. If I'm having a really bad day, I come on here and just read what other people are going through. It helps to know you're not alone.

Eveamee.. please keep posting. I'm worried about you. Just let us know your okay.. Kit

Thank you everybody for your support. I am feeling better now, it just comes in waves and like you said Crichton it really does just hit you sometimes and you find yourself breaking down a little bit, but thankfully I seem to be able to pick myself up again after a good cry and use distractions to carry on!

Kit, you are lovely, and many of your tough words are unfortunately true. However I really genuinely know he's not a bad person or a weak person - I think he's just been brought up this way so that's how he is, and he doesn't quite realise the extent to what he's put me though. And his family are really nice, his Mum divorced his Dad in her mid-twenties, and when I spoke to her on the phone she actually seemed to agree with me which was a bit bizarre and hint that getting out now before we were married with children was definitely the right decision to make, if I felt that there was no way I could conform fully to Islamic beliefs. And his family aren't that bad, they're not the type to want you to walk behind and bow, but there definitely is a huge element of the man being in control, and the woman just conforming. Which I can't. I've got to stop kidding myself - I KNOW that is not what I want, or what would make me happy, heck if it's what I wanted I wouldn't have been in tears practically every other night for the last 2 years. I am just trying so hard to take everyone's advice on board and however hard it is, keep strong, so thank you : )

I did make a bit of a big mistake today by sending him one really really angry text, telling him how hurt I was by what he's done to me, how he's controlled me etc etc... then I realised how silly it was and CERTAINLY won't be doing that again. He then tried to ring me, but instead of giving in and answering I didn't and instead sent him a last text saying that the original text was a mistake, I need to learn to control my emotions better and that we shouldn't contact each other until after exams. He sent one back agreeing and asking me not to make a mistake like that again. I do regret sending it but I know now that it was wrong and not necessary and that no matter how angry I feel, telling him it all AGAIN won't make things any better. I am beginning to feel a bit guilty as a few of the things I said in the text aren't really true, they were just me blowing things out of proportion, and I know it must have hurt his feelings as not only have I dumped him, but I also sent him a nasty demeaning text. But anyway, for now trying not to think about his feelings too much and focus on going to sleep. I am clinging onto the hope that one day this will all get better, just like you all keep saying!

Talaniman, my last above post was sent at 1.42pm and now it's 23.10pm in England. What time is it where you are?

And I've been thinking about taking up Salsa dancing - I've always loved it but I've never been "allowed" as obviously you have to dance with lots of other men... but now I can make my own decisions so I'd love to do it! And I've been belly dancing for years now but never been allowed to perform in shows if men are watching, but I think now I might just try and get into a show! These are positive things that are coming out of it.

Gosh... I'm glad you posted again. Sorry if I was a bit rough with my words. I'm not putting down Muslims.. there are some good people who are Muslim. I also am glad to hear you told him what you thought .

You are getting stronger and I'm happy you are. I think his mother must be a unique woman and I also believe she has your best interest at heart.She must be a very strong and good person.

Salsa dancing sounds great. I'm so sure you're going to be totally over him in a while.

If two people can't agree on how to raise children or anything else it isn't going to work. The thing is there are a lot of men in this world who treat their wives and girlfriends that way. You had the courage to leave... and that makes you a very strong woman. Hugs to you... Kit

Hi Kit, yes I agree with you, we would definitely never agree on how to raise children... that would be a nightmare and would cause SO much stress. I am realising more and more how lucky I would be to get out now, and to avoid much more further heartache, for both of us. When I think about the summer ahead I feel down though.. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself for 3 months of being here in this house whilst my family are away on holiday and knowing that he is just around the corner and probably free, and that we could go for a nice walk or something. Perhaps these next three weeks of exams will help to take my mind off it and make me learn to cope on my own without him, and then I won't even WANT to meet him for a walk as going down that whole route again.

And yes, I see his Mum as quite inspirational to me, the fact that she went through pretty much the same thing as me and then ended up divorcing him just shows that Western women and strong Islamic cultures don't really mix. Although, I do wonder if I'll ever find anyone who truly suits me? I don't drink alcohol or go clubbing or anything like that really, through my own choice (I was this way long before I met my boyfriend), and finding a guy who is similar might be quite hard.

I want to know what will happen in the future now and get rid of all this waiting!!