MY girlfriend broke up with me and moved out. It was a about a few week period where you could tell she was on thin ice. I needed to change and didn't hear her out. She eventually left and talking has been very sparce!

ITs been 2 weeks. We tried talking normal and even had to very brief meetings where she did kiss me and we shared some tears. Today I normally walked with her to the university but she had a buddy tell me she is not going to do that. I ended up texting her, and she started getting very frustrated and screaming for space. Saying I'm all talk and no walk.

The relationship was a little controlling on my end and I did take advantage of her after 6 yrs of being together. This break up is killing me! She did say more then once and to others she does want to get back together and does not want to see other people! She just wants to find herself again, because she lost that with the unhealthy relationship , and that is very true..

Im just so scared I'm going to lose her forever. Today was the first day she basically flipped. She told me no more notes, no more texts nothing! She still refused to say it was over, and even said in a very frustrated tone she does want it to work she is just screaming for an oppurtunity to miss me!

I am starting to question myself how true that is because of how frustrated she was today I feel like she will forget about me and enjoy that space more then us. I did do research and some self improvement to find out where this went wrong, and I saw how well we used to treat one another, and that trust issues led to the fall, but the break up has been hard with her moving out and very scarce talking and now she is basically demanding none about the relationship

Like I said it went from little talk seeing and kissing and her saying she does want this to work eventually to her getting frustrated because of space! I'm not so confused because I know she needs her space! I know what I did, and I'm really improving myself because I see no women with out her in my life.

It was love, and she did say she wants it to work eventually but did I blow it already? Its only been 2 weeks, and what steps should I take from here on out. I really don't want this to last all summer!! She is not going to move back in that is established her lease is being taken over, but she does want the relationship according to her, unless my tears brought that out, but she said it to me, to others, and friends! It's a confusing situation and if any one could offer help id love to hear because I do want her back. She has my heart, and we just got lost, and I took advantage of things.


Also the talking we did was along the lines of how was your day and such! but it always turned into relationship stuff, and I really have taken every hour of these two weeks to figure this out! I'm really down and out right now. I know its early but I don't know what to believe right now or if I blew it.

If you keep smothering her then you won't get anywhere. She's telling you she wants space because you were too controlling. You admit that you were, but won't leave her be. You have to deal with this anxiety because it's something that you helped cause. If she has the space, and you have time to rethink things then it could be really good for the two of you. But don't sit and worry about things that haven't happened yet. There's no way of knowing for sure until the time comes. So give her what she wants, and see what comes of it.

I'm trying so hard. But I'm over analyzing every single thing she says, and even when she says she wants this to work I don't know how true it is. She is not a lier when it comes to stuff like that and for 6 years we truly did love one another! With her frustration today did I smother her too much already? And what should my steps be? I really don't want to lose her for months on end!!

I agree. Klap33 has serious anxiety issues.


What do you mean, you took advantage?

YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Your anxiety will push her away even further.

There's a saying, one usually runs in to the exact thing that they've been trying to avoid.

So
STOP overanalyzing
STOP calling
STOP smothering
And START being PRO-ACTIVE rather than RE-ACTIVE. You are definitely not making the situation any better by freaking out and harassing her. If it were me, I'd be feeling the same way she is.

It's kind of like when a cat doesn't want to be held, so you squeeze tighter, and then the cat struggles more. Squeezing the cat only hurts and frightens it, and when a cat feels scared they try escape, and defend. So the cat will end up scratching and biting until it gets free, and then both of you are hurt from the struggle.

Stop squeezing the cat.
They're more likely to come to you when you leave them alone anyway.

I am not lying I am going through very high anxiety! I have suffered from depression be4 as well..

I lost my father at the age of 12 and mother in the 2nd grade. I came to terms with both of them quickly but when I went away to college I slipped into heavy depression...

What I mean by took advantage is I forgot about the relationship and how to treat her. If she wanted to go home. I said no another weekend. I have plenty of examples like that. But she has said she still wants this to work she just needs me to change back to who she fell for...

Her words "when you get the chance you can't take advantage of it"

I just don't know what steps to take and if I over frustrated her already. It was a very deep relationship and the good times weere amazing no question we loved one another...

I just don't want to lose her for months, and I feel like I may have done irreprable damage already... she was frustrated today but did say in a frustrated tone that she still wants this to work! But I feel like the space will make her forget me. I'm just honestly lost.


Thank you for your help so much. This is a very hard time. I just got confused by her messages and actions. She was talking normal then bam nothing. She was in a car crying with me and talking about how she wants this to happen one day soon and take it slow then BAM nothing... then today she just kind of showed her frustration. Saying yes I still want this to work, but need space and time...

Do you believe it is to late from what it sounds?

No, it's probably not too late. But it will be if you don't take control of yourself. It's okay to be upset about her, but panicking will not help your situation. Like I said, you have to be pro-active, not re-active.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Whenever you're tempted to be the first to make contact, try to come on here instead, we'll try to help as much as we can.

I will and thank you very much!

Is there any plan of action to take? Or a recommended no contact time? She did say she likes talking like friends but because of the smothering and inability to do that shedoesnt want to talk for awhile?

Is there any kind of course of action to take?

Thank you again for your help and I'm hears to all advice thanks again!


Its hard because I want to share everything with her. She used to deal with everything for 6 yrs the great the not so great and we never once slept about in that time we always made sure we made up! And went to sleep together. We had a rough patch 2 yrs ago and but since then its just been a relationship where overall when we were out or at home we were great when we were apart trust issues and insecurity came about and I controlled some situations I shouldn't have.

I just want her back and want to do the right things

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

i will and thank you very much!

is there any plan of action to take? or a recomended no contact time? she did say she likes talkin like friends but because of the smothering and inability to do that shedoesnt wanna talk for awhile?

is there any kind of course of action to take?

thank you again for your help and im hears to all advice thanks again!

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First thing to do is relax and let her come to you.
Also, do your best to avoid relationship talk unless she initiates it.
If you need to talk to her, or send her a text, just tell her something funny that happened or somethiing interesting you saw. Don't make her feel pressured. If you've been together for 6 years then I highly doubt she's given up on you just yet.
Don't think so little of her, she won't just throw it away because of something that can be easily fixed. If you don't push her to the breaking point then you have a very good chance.

I get so mad at my boyfriend sometimes that I don't want to talk to him for days. If I have times to think and re-evaluate then I usually end up talking to him the next day and we work things out.

How long until I contact her at all since she showed she was frustrated today and borderline broke. She said she is so close to just throwing her hands up with this. She gave me a hug and said her intention do remain the same I just have to give her space.

I don't want to send her anything to soon, but I know tomorrow mornin I'm going to wake up feeling like I NEED to tell her something!

We got in a few huge arguments but nine times out of ten we would work it out , well at least work it out to my liking and wound up going to sleep together.


I just really don't want to lose her for the whole entire summer! and love her to death! I want this to work, and want to take the appropriate steps to show her it will be different! and the relationship with go back to whom we both fell in love with! and we could both be happy and trust one another..

Is there anything at all to help this process go about or actions to take? I really would hate to not have her for months on end

Maybe don't say anything to her tomorrow. She probably feels like she's at her wit's end. When you do talk, if she brings it up, calmly apologize to her for your reaction, and tell her that you understand. I wouldn't overwhelm her with all of your own feelings right now, because she needs to sort out her own. When that times does come, make sure you have a clear head, and make sure that you're REALLY listening to her. Not thinking about what you're going to say next, LISTEN.

EDIT: You need to simmer down, this is a message board not a chat room, you won't get instant messages here, they take time.

Patience: another thing you could stand to learn.
I'm not trying to be harsh here, you need to hear these things.

I don't think texting tomorrow would be a good idea. She was very upset today and frustrated..

I'm telling you it is scarin me losing her for months..


I just re read it... I was thinking wait a few weeks or a full week until I say anything at all.

I don't know how to make her miss me, and I don't know if what I did already with talking to her is too much that when she does get her space she is gnna move on! I haven't had the power to keep my mouth or text shut for more then 24 hrs!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

i dont think texting tommorow would be a good idea. she was very upset today and frustrated..

im tellin you it is scarin me losin her for months..

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Well no duh. It would scare me too (also, I did say not tomorrow)
This is the last time I'm going to repeat myself.
Over-reacting will make things worse. It's okay to be scared, but if you keep this up it will be hopeless. So CALM DOWN!

Go and do something and leave your phone at home, or in the car, or whatever. Go out with friends, have some fun, and remember what it feels like to be easy-going. It won't hurt you to take your mind off things for a little while. It sucks, but you will be okay.

I know ill be OK. I just really don't want to lose her. I'm sorry I'm making you repeat yourself! Its just crazy right now...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

i just re read it... i was thinkin wait a few weeks or a full week til i say anything at all.

i dont kno how to make her miss me, and i dont kno if wat i did already with talkin to her is to much that wen she does get her space she is gnna move on! i havent had the power to keep my mouth or text shut for more then 24 hrs!

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You can't make her miss you. And you need to FIND the power to keep your mouth shut.

I'm going to find a link to another thread, with a guy who was in a similar situation. He drove us all nuts. I want you to read it.

OK I will thank you very much!. I'm not trying to drive you nuts..

She even said she wants to miss me so she could get those feelings back!

I think she truly does want it to work. I'm just falling off the deep end a little. And would hate to lose her for months!

But reading this is truly helping I hope you do understand that! : )

Look at the timelines on these things.
You don't want to end up like him..

Started September
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-396130.html


This one ended in April
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-460849.html


That's Seven months, and he never learned a thing.
Maybe you can learn a thing or two about what not to do by reading this.

Thank you so much. Sorry for the panick. I'm going to need this time to grow myself I know that!

I am trying everything I can to fix this so communication will be better but right now I have to stop communicating with her and pray she see's a change one day.

Why won't I believe what she says about it working out and her wanting it to? I keep over analyzing! I'm going to continue to read those post they are helping my situation, but I am doing everything in my power to fix this and right now she does not want to hear it..
I don't want to lose her for months on end so badly. I understand she needs this time. I really do and I support her she is a very strong decision maker! But I want her back so bad before to long

You'll be fine. You just need to work hard a different way.you don't have to actually DO something to fix the situation. Sometimes what you DON'T do will solve everything.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

You'll be fine. you just need to work hard a different way.you don't have to actually DO something to fix the situation. sometimes what you DON'T do will solve everything.

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I think I love that quote!


U honestly believe from the sound of everything things will work out?

And is it impossible to put an estimated time on this? If I respect her wishes as of now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

u honestly believe from the sound of everything things will work out?

and is it impossible to put an estimated time on this? if i respect her wishes as of now.

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Yes.-to all

From what uve seen with dealing with others. Is there any estimation of time if I do the right things?


I have to keep remembering she broke up with me because of my troubles.

She is a good and solid decision maker and I have to trust her that this is for the best..

She is simply asking for space. I need to give it to her. Show her I am her man..


*its weird I literally know everything I have to do. I just slip sometimes.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

from wat uve seen with dealing with others. is there any estimation of time if i do the right things?

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No. so don't try to estimate. Just let this run it's course. I'm not going to give you false expectations because you want a time limit. It's not realistic.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

i have to keep remembering she broke up with me because of my troubles.

She is a good and solid decision maker and i have to trust her that this is for the best..

she is simply asking for space. I need to give it to her. show her i am her man..


*its weird i literally kno everything i have to do. i just slip sometimes.

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Mhmm, it happens.
I don't like that term "show her I'm a man" society put an entirely different definition to that word. You are human. What you want to show her is that you know how to handle a situation, and that you can be mature and rational. Contrary to popular belief, humans are more often irrational than rational. You have to teach yourself how to be rational. You won't always make the right decisions.

Your right!.

I want to handle this right so badly. I want that trust in our relationship. We used to have it then I just got these crazy abandonement issues and depression troubles, and I never fully climbed out. We used to be a great couple. I need to believe what she says respect her space, and become that man again in the mean time. I just go through periods of heavy sadness, and snap out of it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

ur right!...

i want to handle this right so badly. I want that trust in our relationship. we used to have it then i just got these crazy abandonement issues and depression troubles, and i never fully climbed out. we used to be a great couple. I need to believe wat she says respect her space, and become that man again in the mean time. i just go through periods of heavy sadness, and snap out of it.

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It would really help you if you spoke to a counselor or a Therapist.

I have.. I fought depression for 2 yrs with medication, hospitalization, and therapy. I would say I'm almost better, and this break up gave me a wake up call to my remaining troubles and issues as well...

I really hope this works out I want to share so much with her, and become that man again for her. I don't think I could make the situation any better or say anything right now but I could make it worse!.


If any 1 else would like to chime in I would respect advice from all angles.

That always seemed to help when I was at my worst with the depression. Even if you just get one piece of advice that carries over from each person that is something you didn't have before!

Like I said my ultimate goal is to get her back! She said hers is the same as well.. but her frustration today scared me

I think the best thing you can do is just give her her space. Tell her you will wait for a while, but not forever, tell her you want her to think about the relationship in a rational mind, and you do the same. Take the time to reflect on how your relationship was. What you think you can work on to make things better.

If she is frustrated than she needs time to figure things out. You said yourself you were controlling. Show her that you can let her have some time with out being stuck in her face.

Please abide by her wishes. If you really want to show her you are a man.. then leave her alone and if she comes back you'll have to show her you've changed.. Good Luck

Aurora bell how long should I wait to tell her those things?.

Today she was pretty admitment on space!

She did say she wants it to work more then once, but right now she wants space!


Thank you all again. This is really keeping me sane.

Ok, if I were you, and I may be wrong on this one, but I would call leave a voice mail if she won't answer, or even write an e mail... no text... Just say something like, I know you want your space, and I want to give you that. I will wait, but not forever. Leave it open, don't ask her how long she needs, but say I hope we can maybe go for dinner in a week or so to talk about what this break is going to lead to.

And make it short and swee, no babbling, no blaming, no talking about that night, if you want the relationship to work, you are going to have to forget about that night. End it with something like I really love you, and I hope we can work through this, I am going to take this time to think about our relationship.

If you guys do work things out, explain that you hope you guys can have an honest relationship where she or you doesn't feel that you need to lie, or fib about where you are and what you are doing. Trust.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Ok, if I were you, and I may be wrong on this one, but I would call leave a voice mail if she won't answer, or even write an e mail... no text... Just say something like, I know you want your space, and I want to give you that. I will wait, but not forever. Leave it open, don't ask her how long she needs, but say I hope we can maybe go for dinner in a week or so to talk about what this break is going to lead to.

And make it short and swee, no babbling, no blaming, no talking about that night, if you want the relationship to work, you are going to have to forget about that night. End it with something like I really love you, and I hope we can work through this, I am going to take this time to think about our relationship.

If you guys do work things out, explain that you hope you guys can have an honest relationship where she or you doesn't feel that you need to lie, or fib about where you are and what you are doing. Trust.

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I can't add anything to this, because Bella said it all. Good Luclk

Aurora... I think the situation is a little more out of hand at this point...

She said she doesn't want to talk about anything having to do with the relationship at this point! She needs nothing more then space so her feelings can grow again, and so she can truly find who she is. I would love to say those things but I have reached out to her in that manner already. All that has to be said is basically out she just needs time I think.

Well I don't think I know it she has said it very blunt! I don't want to dig a deeper whole with her. We were together 6 years, and the past year has been kind of rough. I don't want it to be over, but calling her or texting her about anything at this moment and time would be very upsetting to her. When she left today she gave me a hug and begged for some trust and space cause I didn't know it but I was making the situation worse by trying to talk to her about our relationship and what could be.

That's where I get confused I don't know how long to wait or what steps are appropriate to take next with out pushing her away.

I have a friend who went through a similar break up/break where she moved out they were both in an unhealthy controlled relationship, and now they are learning why they love each other getting ready to move back in and having a kid together and happier then ever. They went a good month with out speaking through this process... Every situation is different but I do not know what steps to take. This is new to me, and I am trying to be as rational as possible, but talking about the relationship or what could be seems to upset her right now. She was very strict and frustrated when talking about the space she needs as of now... but did clearly say she does want this to work..

I was a little more desperate in wanting this to work I have done a lot thus far but need to continue to grow so this type of situation does not happen again. I asked her if I should keep pursuing this type of attitude, she said yes do, but it was all while she was frustrated. She has never once told me, a mutual friend, or friends that she wants this to be done! I still seem to question things and over analyze and that's where I lose it, and don't take things for what they are right now! I try so hard to win her back with words instead of actions!. I want to say those things but afraid that right this second calling or texting her after the way today went would look as a desperate ploy again..

Thoughts?

Well dear, if you know it is going to cause her more grief to talk, than leave it at that. No more contact. Now this is kind of the tricky part.. If you tare willing to wait a month, than give her a month. She may call you before the month is up. I guess at this point it's up to you on how long she is worth waiting for.

If you are giving her-her space, and NOT calling, texting e-mail, etc, than it may take her a week and she may know what she wants. You have to prove that you are willing to change for her. And if it's time that is going to prove that you are willing to change, than give her that time.

I know it's hard, but you just need to give her what she is asking for. Other wise you will risk pushing her farther away.

NOW, here is the BUT, you do not let yourself get played here. You need to keep your sanity in all of this. It takes two to make a relationship work. You need to stand up for what you want too. I see fault in both of you in this situation. So, if she keeps asking for more time, than you need to tell her that you need more of an answer than that. For the time being, do what she is asking, but remember it's not just you that will need to change in order to make things work. And you don't need to tell her that, but keep it in mind. Ok?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Well dear, if you know it is going to cause her more grief to talk, than leave it at that. No more contact. Now this is kind of the tricky part.. If you tare willing to wait a month, than give her a month. she may call you before the month is up. I guess at this point it's up to you on how long she is worth waiting for.

If you are giving her-her space, and NOT calling, texting e-mail, etc, than it may take her a week and she may know what she wants. You have to prove that you are willing to change for her. And if it's time that is going to prove that you are willing to change, than give her that time.

I know it's hard, but you just need to give her what she is asking for. Other wise you will risk pushing her farther away.

NOW, here is the BUT, you do not let your self get played here. You need to keep your sanity in all of this. it takes two to make a relationship work. You need to stand up for what you want too. I see fault in both of you in this situation. So, if she keeps asking for more time, than you need to tell her that you need more of an answer than that. For the time being, do what she is asking, but remember it's not just you that will need to change in order to make things work. And you don't need to tell her that, but keep it in mind. Ok?

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Give it time and take the advice you've been given here. Let us know how it goes.

She did say right now she has a hard time believing there is any change when she is asking for space and I can't give it to her.

I will wait as long as she needs it. I am afraid of being played, that runs through my head a lot but like I said she has said nothing about it being over to me, to friends or anyone! She just wants some good ole time right now!

I will wait probably the rest of this week and try my hardest to force myself not to contact her. She said she wants to miss me but cant, and the image of what caused her to leave keeps being stuck in her mind because she hasn't had an oppurtunity to miss me at all.

I think I was helping but in reality I was making the situation much worse.

It has only been 2 weeks..

Good Luck klap. Keep us posted okay? And before you pick up the phone to call her or text come here and talk things out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

She did say right now she has a hard time believing there is any change when she is asking for space and i can't give it to her.

I will wait as long as she needs it. I am afraid of being played, that runs through my head alot but like i said she has said nothing about it being over to me, to friends or anyone! she just wants some good ole time right now!

I will wait probably the rest of this week and try my hardest to force myself not to contact her. she said she wants to miss me but cant, and the image of what caused her to leave keeps being stuck in her mind because she hasnt had an oppurtunity to miss me at all.

I think i was helping but in reality i was making the situation much worse.

it has only been 2 weeks..

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Well goodnight and take it one day at a time and let us know. Take a few days and see how it goes and then let us know how you are doing okay>>>Goodnight

I think a few weeks is more suffecient : )... I just have to stay strong

I would wait for her to come back as long as she needed. I'm talking about contact as of now..

Thanks again to all!


I will forsure! Thank you both for your care and advice! I will definitely be using this as an outlet!. thanks again~!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by klap33

i think a few weeks is more suffecient : )..... i just have to stay strong

i would wait for her to come back as long as she needed. im talking about contact as of now..

thanks again to all!

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Yes you do and you will do fine.. Good Luck

No problem. Kitty said it, you will do fine. Good luck!