I'm a 28 year old guy and my ex is a 27 year old woman. We both share the same faith. She is still a virgin and I have had sex in a couple of relationships.

The relationship was great for a month until I took it too far one night. The next day she talked about breaking up over how physical we were. After being together for four months I took it too far again. The next day she says she needs a break and now we are on a break.

Two additional comments. We were physical two days before we were supposed to take a roadtrip/weekend away together. The weekend away was intended to get away from work and bond, not for a weekend of physical intimacy. Before she mentioned wanting a break in our relationship, she explained that she wasn't comfortable going on the roadtrip together which caused her to realize that we need a break.

Secondly, she has issues with expressing herself/opening up. She doesn't like to talk about deeper issues or emotional topics in her life. She shys away from physical contact as well.

I really like my ex and am not sure how to resolve the "break"? I screwed up by being too physical with her. How can I prove to her that I won't screw up again? Part of me thinks she is too afraid to break up so she asked for a break. Part of me thinks she doesn't know how to handle her fear of the roadtrip we were supposed to go on. I think she would be too afraid to call even if she was still interested. From conversations early on in our relationship, it sounds like this isn't the first time she's walked away from a relationship over fear of physical intimacy. Help!

Hi, KyleS28!

In your heart, do you truly want to honor that which she wants or doesn't want, at this point in time, as far as physical intimacy is concered, please?

Thanks!

absolutely. It is a challenge for me, but I respect her values. The problem is that sometimes it is hard because she makes welcoming advances and then feels convicted about them the next day. She is more important to me than the physical intimacy. I just don't know how to communicate how apologetic I am and that we may need to seek relationship counceling.

Okay.

So, how would taking a road trip together help to keep things on a lesser level of physical intimacy than either of you might desire to have, please?

For instance, if it's a road trip for two or three days, would the two of you be planning on sleeping separated from each other?

Sorry guy, but I just don't buy the guilt trip. This is where you talk about things, and work through issues. Not blindly break up till she feels better about herself.

The really simple truth is you BOTH went too far, and why should you suffer what you both have done. That's not fair, nor is it appropriate. You have been patient, and human, so don't even take all the blame for her guilt, not let her put it all on you.

That's the problem, she is calling all the shots, and you are not even willing to deal with the truth, so you can never have a useful solution, just whatever she decides.

Millions of couples go through this, its only natural, but running away from responsibility will NEVER work. You better talk to her, and stop this laying all the blame at your feet for human mistakes, or you will get more of the same behavior, and wonder why this is another break.

Breaks are no substitute for communications. If you can't communicate, you do not have a relationship. I honestly doubt she is even ready for a healthy adult relationship.

The idea of the roadtrip was to leave work behind and enjoy the outdoors together. She tends to bring her work home with her and a weekend away would have been a good way of focusing on us. We were sleeping in the same room with separate beds.

So do I talk about things with her or do I wait a month? Do I talk about the past or just focus on moving forward? How can I call the shots in a relationship that isn't supposed to be physical? How can I get her to open up so we can improve our communication?

I leave her alone, so she can get over herself. Let her call you. She asked for a break, give it to her, and take one yourself.

Threads merged


Haven't seen or spoken to my ex in 3 weeks. She was the one to break up with me because we rushed into the relationship too fast. Too physical too fast. We were together for 3 months. She agreed to meet up for lunch. I still am interested in her. Do I treat her like a friend? Do I treat her just like when we were in the relationship? Do I tell her I am still interested in her? Do I flirt? If it goes well, how long do I wait until I set up another time to meet? I need advice on reuniting with ex.

Why does she want to have lunch ? What is the purpose,

If you get false hopes and keep letting the other lead you on, it can be nothing but heartaches.

Personally I would not go, do no contact and move on with my life. If it did not work and you broke up, unless you are talking ( and it is obvoius you are not) then how can you work out the problems.

What exactly does "I took it too far" mean?

Did you FORCE her to do something that she did not want to do?

Or did you go a step further knowing that she was excited, and possibly would regret what it was that you were doing?

Did you sexually assault her in any way?

Was she a willing participant in what happened?

If so, then IT went too far, not YOU.

Know and respect the boundaries that women have. No means no.

If you made her do something against her will, then shame on you. If she was willing and wanted the "activity", then shame on her for making you take all of the blame.

I'd like to know which case it was please.

Seriously sounds all too much trouble than it's worth.

Get someone who enjoys the physical aspect of a relationship as much as the rest of a healthy relationship.

It was only 3 months, so I'd say you should thank your lucky stars that it didn't go any further.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

What exactly does "I took it too far" mean?

Did you FORCE her to do something that she did not want to do?

Or did you go a step further knowing that she was excited, and possibly would regret what it was that you were doing?

Did you sexually assault her in any way?

Was she a willing participant in what happened?

If so, then IT went too far, not YOU.

Know and respect the boundaries that women have. No means no.

If you made her do something against her will, then shame on you. If she was willing and wanted the "activity", then shame on her for making you take all of the blame.

I'd like to know which case it was please.

---

There isn't any missing info in this thread. We both initiated being physical with one another and no clothes came off, etc, everything was above the clothes, but it was still physical. No abuse, etc. I know I need to respect her boundaries and no means no but I had one challenging night where she was initiating the physical contact and I went along with it knowing she would feel convicted afterwards.

3 months isn't a long time, but you know when you meet someone unique and different than anyone else you've ever dated. I want to see where this relationship will go. Its not about whether I should see her. I am seeing her and I need to know how to approach the conversation if I still want to be back together with her.

If she is willing set some boundaries. And stick to them no matter what she says, or be blamed for her lack of control, and right or wrong, go through this again.

Pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip.

You both initiated physical contact, you didn't force her into anything. Now she's blaming you because she wants to believe that she's virtuous and moral. She's kidding herself and you're letting her blame it all on you.

If you want to continue this relationship, set up boundaries. Tell her point blank that she's not to make advances towards you and you will promise the same. She needs to accept responsibility in all of this, it's a two way street, she needs to take her blinders off and realize that she's part of the problem.

If you can't talk to her about this, then why are you with her?

"we both initiated being physical with one another"... "she was initiating the physical contact and i went along with it"

This is not YOUR fault. You both share responsibility for this.

Try to work it out.

Thanks for the advice! How long should this break last? When I spoke to her about meeting up for lunch she agreed but says she also thinks we need time. I don't want too much time to pass as the more time that passes the less interested I will be and if we both become uninterested than what is the point? Is the reason she wants time is because the more time that passes the less she will think about why we broke up?

My biggest issue with time is that if we allow too much time I think I will lose her altogether. Is this true?

Its up to her to get over whatever she is feeling, and you can't force her to do anything. Matter of fact pushing to hard is what will drive her even further away.

Give her what she asked for, and don't get carried away by your own fears, and start acting impulsive..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its up to her to get over whatever she is feeling, and you can't force her to do anything. Matter of fact pushing to hard is what will drive her even further away.

Give her what she asked for, and don't get carried away by your own fears, and start acting impulsive..

---

What do you mean by "start acting impulsive?"

Give her her time and space but you need to get on with your life. She is not ready for adult dating.
She is not a child. If she has a no sex rule, then boundaries are her responsibility too. She played a part in crossing them, you didn't do it on your own and you didn't force her.
Have lunch with her but tell her you will not accept the all the blame in this. Tell her she can call you when she is more willing to accept responsibility for her actions and not put it all on you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Give her her time and space but you need to get on with your life. She is not ready for adult dating.
She is not a child. If she has a no sex rule, then boundaries are her responsibility too. She played a part in crossing them, you didn't do it on your own and you didn't force her.
Have lunch with her but tell her you will not accept the all the blame in this. Tell her she can call you when she is more willing to accept responsibility for her actions and not put it all on you.

---

People are kind of missing the cause of the break. She didn't call for a break because of the second time we were physical. She wanted a break because we planned a weekend getaway and she wasn't comfortable about the trip, mostly because we would be putting ourselves in a tempting situation.

I'm not sure if the relationship was moving too fast for her or that she felt the relationship was becoming too physical and she was conflicted with the direction the relationship was heading.

See Kyle, that's what we mean, if she is so conflicted within herself then, that's what causes confusion, and drama. And you will never know what she wants, or what she expects.

To clear this up, then you have to talk, and define clear boundaries, but she has asked for time, instead of wanting to talk. So I don't know if she will be ready for a lunch date, and take you back, doubt it, but that's your call.

Chasing after a confused female is impulsive actions in my book, because the fact is she needs time and distance to process what ever the heck is her issue.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KyleS28

people are kind of missing the cause of the break. she didn't call for a break because of the second time we were physical. she wanted a break because we planned a weekend getaway and she wasn't comfortable about the trip, mostly because we would be putting ourselves in a tempting situation.

i'm not sure if the relationship was moving too fast for her or that she felt the relationship was becoming too physical and she was conflicted with the direction the relationship was heading.

---

That puts a different light on it, but that is no reason to call a break. All she had to say was "I'm not ready for a weekend trip with you" I mean you have been together only 3 months. Maybe she thinks things were progressing too fast.
Talk to her and get a clearer understanding of what she meant

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KyleS28

people are kind of missing the cause of the break. she didnt call for a break because of the second time we were physical. she wanted a break because we planned a weekend getaway and she wasnt comfortable about the trip, mostly because we would be putting ourselves in a tempting situation.

i'm not sure if the relationship was moving too fast for her or that she felt the relationship was becoming too physical and she was conflicted with the direction the relationship was heading.

---

You have to ask yourself if she is the one that you want to marry. Do you love her enough to put up with this indecision?

If she is the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then set boundaries, and keep to them. Both of you.

You have your work cut out for you.

I wouldn't want to be you right now. Mentally, and sexually frustrated. You are rowing a boat with a piece of rope. Upstream.

Good luck.

Here is a confusing question that I am currently experiencing. I have lost all emotional feelings towards this woman, but she has qualities that I am looking for. Where do I go from here? I know we could reignite the flame in the future if we started over. Do I suggest we start over? I would start over if she was willing to but I don't really have the passion to pursue her. Help.


Also, do I explain that I lost feelings for her or just go nc?

I hope you have not let her confusion be yours also. Its what usually happens when we get confusion and intense feelings of frustration going through us at once.

You may even be in shock still wondering what the heck just happened to you.

Understandable. Just give her what she asks for, TIME, and go about what you should be doing which is your own thing while the dust settles and the brain comes back to reality.

Bet in a week or so, you will have a much better handle on your own feelings and can better cope with what you have been through.

You know, it helps an awful lot to have a good trusted friend around, to help you keep your feet on the ground.

Thanks to all of you whom answered my previous topic. I was thinking back a few years to a relationship I was in. the story is simple...

We were together for 8 months. I planned almost all of the dates and romantic ideas. One day she starts provoking me to argue with her. The arguing goes on for about a week. There really wasn't much arguing on my part but she was being overly disagreeable and she seemed to provoke me to argue. At the end of the week, she tells me that she lost romantic interest in me and she's not sure whether it will change in the future?

That was it for me. There really wasn't anything to say but nice knowing you. What was I supposed to do? Hang her upside down from a chandelier and stick a cucumber in her mouth?

She has remained single for almost two years now. We are still friends on myspace. I would hope she has matured since then.

The question I have is... do people regain romantic interest or once a person is ruled out, they are out? Once romantic interest is lost it can never be regained? Just trying to figure out whether it is even worth talking to this girl again? Right now, I'm not interested in her, but I can't say that I wouldn't be interested in her in the future. I should mention that I was 26, she was 22 at the time (now 28 and 24).

No one knows how one day its peaches and honey, and the next day, it's a disaster. Most people learn the hard way not to look back, but to move forward. After the proper healing its possible to be civil, but the lessons of the past prevent romance from growing. While anything is possible, its not always likely that feelings return to where they were. Especially if the situations that cause a break up are still unresolved.

That's why the advice is always move on, not move back.

I think people have trouble discriminating love from infatuation... from lust... from loyalty.. I could on and on. All those feelings can fade to nothing, but love never will.

Some people let their relationships live and die on temporary states of being. When all those feelings die away, you'll find out who really loves you.

So, off my soap box. My advice is not to look back. If she comes to you, maybe then consider giving her a second chance (and hopefully, she HAS grown up). But I don't see it working out in the end if you're the one to re-initiate things.

If you show a woman too much attention and she breaks up with you because she loses interest, after NC can/how do you win her back?

If you have healed properly through NC, you don't want her back.

I don't want her back, she wants me back, I just want to give her the green light. :)

Is this the virgin who needed a break??

No, the virgin and I had different issues.

Here is a hypothetical. If she breaks up with you, then dates someone else for a month and now is single again, would there be any chance in reuniting a relationship?

Depends on the people, and circumstances.

Look, don't mean to be evasive, so quit beating around the bush, and get to your question, as you have posted about two different females here, and now you want hypothetical.

Sorry guy, doesn't work that way. Informations is what gets facts, and opinions, not hypothetical.

Plus I feel you are too soon from a relationship to even consider another so soon, as a proper healing takes time, and dating for fun would be better than jumping in a commitment just to heal old wounds. Further if the female has dumped you, has a date and comes running back to you, hell no would I welcome her with open arms.

She had her chance to communicate and work on things, but she chose a path that worked for her, not you, so she can keep it.


That's not hypothetical advise.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KyleS28

if you show a woman too much attention and she breaks up with you because she loses interest, after NC can/how do you win her back?

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KyleS28

i don't want her back, she wants me back, i just want to give her the green light. :)

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KyleS28

no, the virgin and i had different issues.

here is a hypothetical. if she breaks up with you, then dates someone else for a month and now is single again, would there be any chance in reuniting a relationship?

---

If I take these three posts at face value, I have to say that you are confused about what you want and who you want it with.

1. NC is for healing yourself. If you are confused about what/who you want then you haven't been using it correctly or long enough because you haven't fully healed.

2. Unless the problems that caused the break up have been dealt with, getting 'back' together with anyone after any length of time is asking for the same thing to happen again.

3. Healing is something that takes time and effort. It takes learning from the past what you don't want to repeat in the future. It takes letting go of anger and negative feelings so that they aren't piled up on the 'next' person. It takes putting away the memorabilia so that the new interest isn't being compared to a previous interest.

4. Trust and Communication are very basic needs in any relationship. It is very difficult to trust someone who isn't willing to communicate with you about the concerns and issues in the relationship. Both people have to be able and willing to talk and listen and work together to fix any problems. Walking away is a final solution when all else has failed. If it isn't the last thing, it becomes a trust issue of if/when will the person leave again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KyleS28

i don't want her back, she wants me back, i just want to give her the green light. :)

---

Saying you want to give her the green light would indicate you're all for it, don't you mean give her the red light as in no go or stop.

Also if a girl has broken up with you or you her, then she's entitled to do as she wants with who she wants and likewise yourself, if you want to take her back knowing this then that's your choice but its also your responsibility to accept that you've made that choice, and to let it go.

As has been stated in previous posts, you have to heal and deal with any issues you have from past relationships before you should embark upon another one, its called getting rid of your baggage, if you're not over one person then its not fair to a new love interest for you to start another relationship.

Give yourself time, forget about relationships or romantic involvements for now, concentrate on making you the best person you can be for yourself, it'll help you have more success in any future relationships you enter into.

I don't think you can give a woman or anyone too much attention, unless you mean you're smothering them by being too full on too soon.

That's not so much attention as invading their space and that's not a good thing.

If you don't want her back, then it looks like you just made your decision for yourself.

Don't be with someone for your own benefit and lead them on. That can usually scar women for quite a while.

That's how we end up with trust issues.

Go with the beat of your own drum.
You said you didn't want to be with her but she wants to be with you... just don't do it.

Sounds like a very painful situation and relationship to be in.

It's kind of like not being able to choose your parents. I don't want her back but she is the one for me so I want to give her the green light to come back. I'm not leading her on because I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Quote:

---

I don't want her back but she is the one for me so I want to give her the green light to come back.

---

I thoroughly don't understand, why don't you want her back, but she is the one for you. Please explain, or pass the joint!

Roflmao at talanimans post LOL I agree pass the joint all this confusion I feel I need to clear my head.