Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship advice

My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot. He tells me we have chemistry and he has no illiusion about finding someone else like me. However, he compares our relationship to a rollercoaster that has left him drained. He asked for space, a break then suggested maybe we should see other people. Of course he asked for a break in a text message, and he used the term "for now". "I just need space for now, and maybe we should see other people because I don't expect you to wait around." Some history: He has commitment issues. I have caught him in lies. His children cover for him about other women. And I throw huge fits because we both say disrespecful things. We are both parents, and I have shown more interest in geeting to know his children than he has mine. His family doesn't aknowledge me even when we are in the same room. I say hello, and they ignore me. We don't spend holidays together. And of course he has an excuse for all of this. I know I love him, and I want things to get better. I love his children as well. What do I do? ALso we are both almost 30 yrs. When we are good together, everything is amazing. And it is true I have never found myself having this much chemistry with another person. But when we are mad... it is insane. Lastly, I have trust issues because of the lies and excuses he makes. Any advice would help. I am getting super depressed and even being a mommy under this stress is becoming difficult.

When he says "for now" it means that he just wants to keep you up as a backup plan. He wants to go experiment with other people, if things don't pan out with others, then he can come crying back to you. Do you really want to be his safety net?

You can twist his words around and think about the past as much as you want, but actions speak louder than words. Seems pretty clear that he's given up working on the relationship and is ready to pursue someone else.

You two may have chemistry but your relationship is one sided. Your boy friend wants to play the field and know you will be there as back up. This is not relationship!

He may be attracted to you but he has no respect for you, he would not have asked for a break via text.
Would you advise one of your friends to be in a relationship like this? I would hope not.
This is no longer a relationship. He broke it off. Bid him good riddance and move on.

Don't sit around and wait for him, the relationship simply did not work. Chemistry is only half the battle, it takes a lot more than that.

I think it is time to think of the children involved in this. They don't deserve to be put on the roller coaster with the adults.

I think you need to leave that relationship and work on rebuilding your relationship with yourself and your children without the drama that he and his family brought into your lives. Let yourself heal and someday when you are ready you will find someone who wants to build a life with you and yours.

Thank you for the advice. But now I am even more confussed. I agreed with his break, I told him to move on and I will not be here if someone else doesn't work out. He replys: Tam you know how much I care for you, love you, and how funny and beautiful you are to me. I know there is no one better. I don't want a fresh start with other people just you. No couple should go through this much drama. I just need space and a fresh start.

Again, actions speak louder than words.

If he wanted to make the relationship work, he wouldn't ask for a break, he would keep trying to work things out.

Bottom line, he's given up on trying to repair the relationship, regardless of all his words.

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Originally Posted by tami1891

I just need space and a fresh start.

I think this probably sums up all of the advice we can give you. I hope you do get the space and the fresh start without him.

If your boyfriend wants to "take a break," then that's his right. But to tell you he wants to date other people is "a crock."

A lot of times when men want a break they actually want a break-up, but are too cowardly to come out and actually say it.

Also when a guy suddenly wants the freedom to date it usually means that he already has someone in mind he wants to see or is already seeing her.

Stay away from him and use this separation to your advantage. He just opened up a world of opportunity for you. Take this time to come back to yourself; spend time with friends you love, get back into activities you enjoy, take up a fun new hobby; expand your social circle and make new fun, friends; and of course, date, date and oh yes, DATE!

This can be a great time for you if you just look at the situation you've been dealt with optimistic eyes.

I love you, but there is just too much drama with us. Let's end this and start fresh, with other people. That is what I think he is saying.

If that is not what he's saying, I'd still give him his break and fresh start, with someone else

He has made himself very clear, it ain't working for him. That's when you leave him alone, and move on and don't allow him back in your life. That's getting off the roller coaster, and staying off. There are some fun rides out there, that have less drama to them.

Thank you so much. I think I have been secretly wanting this anyway. I just had so much invested that I was waiting for things to turn around. I Have so many good qualities in my life... my children.. home... career. He was just bringing me down. And I was depressed all the time. I am now going to start the No Contact policy...

Good for you.
If you hit a rough spot and need some support, we are here.

I have a question, and I hope this doesn't cause too many problems here, but when he said he wants a fresh start, did he mean that he wants to start fresh with you, or with someone else?

Its just that personally I've been in a relationship where we fought a lot, and we decided to start again, like from scratch and build up the relationship again. Could he be meaning that?

If he wants to start with someone else, then that's his choice, but people who say the grass is greener on the other side just aren't watering their own grass enough...

tami1891, good luck. I think you are making the best decision for everyone involved.

If you need the support and help, we are here and the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board can give you a lot great advice.

He said he wanted a fresh start, and it didn't mean he wanted a fresh start with someone else. That he thinks I'm beautiful, funny,a and he loves me... blah blah. But I think he is lying. And I really want this break anyway.

The I agree, you have to do what you want, and what's best for you.

It didn't seem like a healthy relationship with his kids and yourself, and fights aren't ever a good thing in a relationship. If you couldn't trust him, there isn't much in the relationship is there?

Take some time out, relax, enjoy yourself, just be yourself. If the right guy comes along, don't let this relationship stop you from having other.. but all in good time.

All the best, and like mentioned earlier, if you need help or support or just sometime to talk to, anytime, there are people always here, willing to listen and help

Good luck. It was really obvious from your post that there were other things about the relationship that you weren't happy with.

He's just not the right guy for you. Now it's time for to concentrate on you and your happiness! :)

Thank you. The support was amazing. I really don't know what I could have done with out it.

The to be continued is yesterday we did the whole I don't like you text thing. Then I saw him at the gym. Another man approached me and of course my ex walks right by us. He stares at me the entire work out. I miss him now. But I am just so mad! But what if... I mean maybe. How would I keep the door open to a possibility of maybe in the future.

Do you honestly believe there is a future with him, and the way you are treated by his family why would you want to stay in that mess?
You saw him and are missing being with him, but not him. Brush this off and keep going. This guy is not good for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1891

! But what if....I mean maybe. How would I keep the door open to a possibility of maybe in the future.

I wouldn't keep the door open for him. He opened it and walked through it on his own. You don't need to be his doorman now.

Expect some 'dog in the manger' responses from him if he sees you talking to someone new. He didn't expect to be called on his 'needs' being met by you filling your own needs. He probably thought he was going to be able to keep you waiting around for him while he did what he wanted to in his search for a 'fresh start'. That didn't turn out the way he thought it would.

Stay strong and have as little to no contact with him as you can. Ignore text messages, phone calls, etc. Get rid of any and all contact information you have for him including Facebook and Myspace.

It may hurt like everything right now to give up even a text message, but you will be stronger in the end after you heal.

Close that door and open another. You will never see other options, and opportunities waiting for someone.

How do you know there is not something better for you? There usually is, I can tell you from experience. WE ALL CAN!!

So, there is no hope at all. Everything we have felt or at least I felt wasn't real? There is no point in trying and at this point there is nothing I can do to make this better? It just seems so depressing. I don't know. I really have so many emotions over this. I am mad, sad, I think it could be the best, I miss his boys, my kids miss him, I am not motivatedto do anything. Maybe anti-depressents?

Maybe I should add, that I have had at least 5 major breakups. Even with my children's father... but I haven't felt this way...

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1891

everything we have felt or at least I felt wasn't real?

No one is saying what you wasn't 'real'. Yes, you had those feelings. You may always have some of those feelings for him. It doesn't mean that the relationship was working or healthy.

He felt like it was a 'roller coaster'. You were being treated poorly by everyone in his family except maybe him. That isn't a relationship you really want you children to view as a model for their own, is it?

Think of it this way, you need to be in the type of relationship you hope your children will find for themselves. Often we forget that our children model their relationships after our own.

Good luck.

Quote:

I really have so many emotions over this

Of course you do! Your wounds are still fresh and raw, and you need TIME to cope with all those feelings. Take the time to do so.

Anti-depressants are for a doctor to prescribe, I can only go with exercise, sleep, good eating habits, and plenty to do during the day.

Quote:

Maybe I should add, that I have had at least 5 major breakups. Even with my children's father... but I haven't felt this way...

People come and go through out our lives, and have an impact, and leave impressions. All we can do as humans is cope with our reality, the ups and downs, and try to be ready for whatever else life throws at us. Believe me, there is always more to come, especially with kids to be raised. Yes you will miss him, but that's okay, you will move beyond all of the pain in time. We all do!

Quote:

tami1891 agrees : You are so right. I know you are. It is just so much easier than it sounds. And before this, I was always that mom who would never have put up with this behavior. I miss that tami. It just seems so hard to find myself again.

Well, let's start finding 'Tami' again.

Obviously, 'Tami' works out. What else does she like to do that has been shoved to the side for the relationship?

Getting in touch with old friends and picking back up an interest or hobby can be a good first step toward regaining yourself. It can also be fun to get your children involved in a project with you.

One step at a time, you will rediscover yourself. I think you will even make her stronger while you are at it.

Threads merged

Please excuse spelling. Relationship Update... Earlier this month I posted a thread about my troubled relationship, and my (then) ex boyfriend requesting ''a break for now" and suggesting "we start over fresh with someone else or each other". I am hoping that my first thread can still be viewed, as this is a continuation to the first post. In addition, because I am a new user to this site, I am not completly sure I am posting the update correctly.

First, Thank you for the past advice. It was encouraging, however tough to follow (because of my emotional state, the advice was outstanding). I will refer to the person I am in the situation with as "J", for simplicity. Please bear with me, as it is a long story. But I would appriciate the feedback, because I am a little nervous of the future.

The initial break up left me super depressed, I dropped out of my classes, stayed in bed for the majority of my days,for weeks. J and I sent extremely rude text messages back and fourth, I found stupid reasons to go to his house, and once I got there we would sleep together. Then I would feel evern worse.

Both of our families continued to not support the relationship. Because J told me he thought he wanted to see other people, I went to a local reseraunt, and sat at the bar. At which time I had a conversation with a man. A couple drinks later I texted J and told him all about it. I had no intention on dating this man, but I did want it to be known that I could if I wanted to. The man gave me his number, and said he could retouch a tatoo that had faded. My phone wasnt working properly so I dailed his number, which stored it into my call log. Consequently this man also recieved my number. Anyway, we never contacted eachother.

That weekend I found myself at J's house...we told eachother we loved eachother and missed eachother. Like a normal "get back together". However, the next morning, J was texting non stop, and I questioned to whom...he replied he shouldn't have to explain himself. Then he shifted the questioning to my direction. Asking if I gave the man at the bar my number. My first response was no. Because I didn't intentionally give it to him. I continued to say no, J kept insisting that he knew I was lying. I am not a liar. But I had good reason to say no, I didn't mean to give the man my number, and I had no intention on seeing him. finally, I told "j" because my phone was acting up, or I was just a lil tipsy, I stored the man's number to my call log by calling it. Consequently, my number showed up o this man's caller ID. Still, we never contacted eachother, and I only exchanged bc I thought I might want my tatoo redone. And we were brooken up anyway. J was livid.

He told ne to leave, threatened to break my phone if I didn't, called me a lying beep, and forced me to go. I didn't understand. I thought he was just causing a fight for no reason. So I drive home, take a shower, then decided to drive to his rental that he is working on...At that time I had no idea he had found a tenant. I had just picked the keys up from him the night before, and helped him with the eviction process.

So I show up at his rental, to let him know he can ask me whatever he wants, and i will be hinest...anything past or present. He knows everything anyway...eventhough he thinks he doesn't. At that time I walk in on him and his attractive new tenent. I am so mad. Because I just made him dinner the night before, offered to help clean, and waited until 11 pm the prior night for the pevious tenant to give me the keys. He never mentioned anything about finding a new tenant. To top it off he just accused me of lying.

As soon as I show up, she leaves, he says bc of drama. However I was completly calm, and didn't say anything in her presence. Once she leaves, he yells at me tells me his life is easier with out me, and he doesn't have to explain to me. The tenate calls three times, after she leaves, once she hangs up, with no gud bye, second she offers to buy him beer...so they can clean the rental that day together. I leave bc he throws me out. J has since told me that she has a boyfriend who will be at the rental frequently, but not on the lease. I felt so upset because he picked a fight with me, so he can do whatever he was or wasn't doing. Am I worng?

So i act childish and i go to his dewling and throw all of his lawn chairs and tables in his pool. I then go to my bank and cash two checks he had given me for repayment for a 1000.00 loan. We continue fighting.

Two nights later he shows up at my home, while I am in bed super depressed and my children are with family. At that point my house hadn't been cleaned in weeks bc of my emotional state. I don't answer the door because I am sleeping, I am woken by a meow. J and his two sons are in a messy house, and I am super depressed. I hadn't contacted him all that day. He accuses me of being in bed with someone, and searches every closet, room and even under beds.

I have never been with another man since before mine and "j"'s first date. We slept together our first date and Ibecame his girlfriend by week three. Anyway... I am asking him and the boys to leave, only because how embarrassed I am. J didn't know how depressed I was. He leaves. The insults stopped once he whitnesed the mess, I allowed myslef to be in.

We saw each other the following weekend in order to pick up the kitten for my daughter. Then I spent an entire week at his house, cleaning, cooking, and helping him get ready for his vegas trip. For some reason, his entire attitude changed... overnight. For his 30th birthday, I danced for him. (something he as requested the past six months). He is thoughtful, loving, complaments me, he is understanding, tells me I am wonderful to him... and today I took him to the airport, so he can do a guy trip to vegas. He is calling me his girlfriend. Our children are hanging out again. And he even left me a key.

Oh... when I threw the stuff in the pool, I don't know if he knew it was me until I admitted it. He would have texted me something but didn't. And his parents cleaned it out. Nothing was brooken. So I apologized for my behavior to his farther. His family never spoke to me, but now they have reason. His dad just told me to not talk to him, and Joseph stuck up for me, and said that they don't know the situation, and to stay out of his relationships. He told me, ultimatly it is his choice who he is with , and I just should worry about keeping him happy. Lastly, next week he is getting a female roommate.. she isn't attractive. But neverhtless, I am a little insecure. Does anyone know what is going on here?

Timeline: weeks of fighting (rollercoaster) until May 11th then he breaks up. We argue, send very rude texts to one another until May23, I spend entire week May24-May29 with him. May25 is his birthday we fall in love all over again. I have always been. May 29 I take him to Air port, he leaves me house key to tend for animals, and 31 I am supposed to pick him up.

You act like a female who has little or no control over yourself. I hope you seek guidance so you can stop all this impulsive behavior. That's what going on the way I see it, from what you wrote. He may have a few issues but my dear, you are over the top.

You really could try thinking, before you act, or speak, and maybe thinking twice.

Because of the pool situation? I have never done that before, and I feel horrible. I agree. Maybe because he knows me. His exact words were he knows I am not some pscho chick who threw things in the pool. He contributed to the factors that led to the incident. However, I agree. I was pushed to my limits. And I didn't break anything. In the previous argument be threatened to break my phone or car with a sludge hammer. I think that opened the door for such behavior. Still, I feel horrible. I have never done anything of that nature before or since. To say I am over the top is a bit harsh. That being said, my actions were... hopefully I won't forever be judged on that one impulse.

Wow, reading over the posts and advice... so much has changed, and so has the advice.

Why are you playing yo-yo with this?
You are a booty call and a cleaning service.
He can call you anytime and you jump and he knows it.
You then throw a fit when you find out he is with another woman. Did you honestly think he would not be?

Wake up lady. Leave this man alone. Stop allowing him to use you.

Out of control refers to all your actions, not just the pool situation. Not cleaning your own house, but helping with his. The over reaction to his new tenant. How come he is the only thing in your life that you do? How come you do for him, and not yourself, or your kids?

And before you answer think well, if this is not impulsive, obsessive, unhealthy behavior, no matter what his role in all this is, or what he says makes you do. Sorry to be harsh, but that's what you wrote.

That's drama queen in my book. Yet you try to justify it by what he says or does, instead of walking away if it such BS! Tit for tat, is not a relationship solution, nor an excuse for bad behavior.

Maybe I am not harsh enough to make you think about your actions in a different way, other than reaction to him. Then maybe you see, he is only very agreeable when you do for him. After all, he searched your house, but did he clean it as you have done for him? Did he cook for you when you needed it, as you have done for him?

He seems great at taking, but not giving, so that begs the question of why you even do what your doing for him? That's more than a bit out of control, don't you think?

I am understanding better. Thank you. I am out of control, and my life revolves around making him happy. My children are well taking care of, they attend a wonderful top rated school. However they do not need to whitness their home in such an environment. I just want him to love me so much. And if I am not working on his needs, I seem to not care about much else. Thank you. Is this relationship not going to last? At times he toys around with the word wife. Is he playing games?

As far as I can see, there is no relationship. It is a one-sided obsession. Of course he toying with the "wife" word to keep you dangling on to clean his house and sex on his terms. Why would you want to continue in this?
A relationship with a person should bring out the best in you, not make you needy and frantic. You have kids and I'm sure you don't want them learning how relationships works by what they see you doing.
You really need to leave this man alone.

He tells me he loves me, calls me his girl friend, and he calls me and contacts me as much as I do him. No, he doesn't help me out like I do him.

Guys will say a lot of things to keep an easy target hanging on. He tells you he loves you but his actions don't say love. He uses you and you let him.

I re read your last post. Why would you want this man? He does not treat you well and the relationship is dysfunctional. Too much drama.
This is not the man for you.

Blowing words in your ear, and calling, is not a sign of love, and they are words with no action behind them.

Its easier than paying a maid, or a willing sexual partner though.

And before you react to my harsh words, know that all I want you to do is think deeply about HIS words, and HIS actions, and see if you are who he makes YOU to be.

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I just want him to love me so much. And if I am not working on his needs, I seem to not care about much else

But where is your love for yourself in this equation? Where is the dignity and self respect?

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Is this relationship not going to last?

You should hope not, but it will last as long as you meet his needs, it will last forever, or until he gets tired of you, and gets a better maid, or a better sexual needs giver. You should really expect better for yourself.

talaniman said "You should hope not, but it will last as long as you meet his needs, it will last forever, or until he gets tired of you, and gets a better maid, or a better sexual needs giver. You should really expect better for yourself."

I hope you want better for yourself.

I think I am going to follow my heart. The relationship hasn't been functional, yet we still have the "don't give up mantality". And our children love us together. I believe in new beginnings and 2nd chances. He is giving me all that I could want. And I love him for him. Maybe it won't work out, maybe it will. Thank you for the advice. I appriciate it.

Children love a lot of things because they don't need it or understand repercussions and obviously you do too.
Would you advise your child to stay in a relationship like this? His parents don't acknowledge your kids, his kids cover for him with other women, so what about this does your kids love? Don't use them to justify your weakness and your desire to stay with a man who treats you like crap.

How long ago was the last blow up when he put you out of his place? After you cleaned his house. Did you just forget that? Are you so desperate for a man you a willing to have a bad one? That's what it sounds like to me.
And your kids are watching this drama. No doubt they will be drama kings and queens themselves. Lady you are setting a poor example.