Entired story merged

Not trying to make this long, basically I've been with this one guy for 2 and a half years, and I'm ready to know if he wants a future because I moved to a new city with him actually FOR him. I love him to death but he says things like "if i ever get married...." and when I mention it he tells me to drop the subject so I don't know where he stands. I asked him and he said he doesn't like to think about the future. And then my buddy comes along, a breath of fresh air he is, I like him too and I dated him before and we were really good just really young, he works at a good job, owns a house and can actually see a future with me because we know each other well and everything and my current man is still in college, and I just don't know what to do, I love them both, but I'm lost

If you're lost, then back away from your situation so that you can reflect on what YOU want.

If you're not getting what you want from your current relationship, then try to work things out. If you can't work things out, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

I wouldn't put so much weight on your other friend right now because you're in a vulnerable state. Your current relationship is up in the air, so you're looking at another guy to fill the void. In other words, you're basically setting yourself up for a rebound in case you break up from your current relationship.

I just don't get it though, like this one guy really likes me and I like him a lot too but I love my boyfriend as well, my boyfriend and I are really good together and I want to be with him forever but the way he is talking its not giving me the right state of mind, he tells me that he wants to think about the now and not about the future. I don't get it... why wouldn't he be thinking about these things when were going on our 3rd year together

The problem I see is that you're combining both guys into 1 guy in your mind to have a "complete" guy. The reason is because both guys provide different things to you. But in reality, there are two different guys and when you look at them separately, they are incomplete.

You already admitted that you're confused. So what you should do is back away and figure out what you want first, before taking the next step.

Otherwise, you're just leading both guys on. It's unfair to you and unfair to them.

How do I back off though, just tell him I need to think about things

WARNING: HARSH!

To be honest I think that because you are selfish and obviously don't have the strong feelings you say you do about you boyfriend when you can easily engage in this complete fantasy with this other guy.

First, there is nothing to say that this guy is interesting in anything more than a friendship.

Secondly, this guy, whether he wants to get married deserves better than this. If you are having these thoughts you need to share them with him and work out what you want to do.

When you bring up marriage are you talking about you and him getting married? Because I think, personally, that is way to early... and I'm betting I'm right since you keep being told to drop it. Also there is the fact that there are some people that never want to get married. And there is nothing you can do to change that if that is the way he feels.

I could continue but it basically boils down to this:

I think you need to back off from both of these guys and do a little growing up!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by degoqueen

how do i back off though, just tell him i need to think about things

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By asking for time and space. If he cared about you, he will respect your wishes. It's better than dragging things out and keeping everything up in limbo.

Is there a chance that you can go back home for a while, so that you can reflect on your situation without the presence of the two guys, so that you can be more objective?

He will wonder why and what do I say? I like someone else. I live with him its hard to have space when you live in an apartment with the person

Move out. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You need to choose what you want to do and stick with that decision.

I moved to a new city though! Thanks a lot! I get the jist of things,

So basically I love my boyfriend a lot!! And I am talking to this other guy that was dating before when I was younger, it seems like me and him get along so well and the only problem is that he's getting married but doesn't want to be with her, he has a son with her, he's of a different race and my father is very old school. I always had feelings for this other guy and I would have to move back home to be near him.. I don't know what to do


He does want to be with me as well, we get along better than me and my boyfriend do and his girlfriend and him do..

Harshness Alert!


So this is what you are getting at:

You "love" your boyfriend, yet you are "talking" to another man behind his back and are considering leaving him for said man. Funny way of "loving".

Here's the real icing on the cake. Not only are you talking to another man but he is GETTING MARRIED WITH A CHILD!!

So not only are you playing with your poor boyfriend but you are interfering with another man's relationship and another woman's family. You are playing with a child's life and family.

A cheating man almost always says the same things. "I don't really love her....", "I'm going to leave her..." , "I don't really want to get married.." All of which are meant to string along the women and get what they want.

You may not be the only one at fault here but you are very much at serious fault. You very well know that he is engaged with a child. You are making the choice to allow him to have this affair with you. You are making the choice to have an affair on your boyfriend. The best thing you can do is end both of the betrayals. Leave the engaged man alone and admit to your boyfriend that you had been "talking" to another man and let him make the choice of whether he want to work on the relationship.

If you loved your boyfriend at all, you wouldn't be doing this.

First off come down to earth - there is no way that you love your current boyfriend if you are considering walking out on him if he's done nothing to warrant it. Also the ex is already taken. If you truly feel that the relationship with your boyfriend is not going anywhere, then leave it, but don’t go back with the ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. Don't make the same mistake twice.

You're obviously very insecure and have low self esteem since you are considering these two as options. You need to walk away from both of them and work on you. Be happy with yourself so the next time you do get into a relationship you will know what you want and deserve.

You do not love your boyfriend. And chances are this guy you are talking to is lying to his fiancée saying that he "loves" her too (otherwise, I highly doubt she would've said "yes") If he is doing this, he is a liar. If you are hiding this from your boyfriend, you are a liar. Really? My advice to you is to get real.

I think you need to view this choice, and realize the man has a child, growing up with a dad who is unstable, also makes your world feel unstable. This could cause this kid to hate his father (as I once did). Don't think of yourself but look at the future of a kid with a non-existent father. Plus very few are lucky enough to have two guys that are so madly in love with them. One task to realize is be happy with what you have!

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Originally Posted by Devorameira

First off come down to earth - there is no way that you love your current boyfriend if you are considering walking out on him if he's done nothing to warrant it. Also the ex is already taken. If you truly feel that the relationship with your boyfriend is not going anywhere, then leave it, but don’t go back with the ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. Don't make the same mistake twice.

You're obviously very insecure and have low self esteem since you are considering these two as options. You need to walk away from both of them and work on you. Be happy with yourself so the next time you do get into a relationship you will know what you want and deserve.

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Agreed!

The only problem is that he is getting married?
Wake up and smell the coffee-as in you are both emotionally cheating on your partners!

If you're not in love with your boyfriend,do the decent thing and break up with him.

And don't keep in touch with a soon to be married man whose first priorities should be his child and his wife to be.

You don't love your boyfriend, the old flame is using you as his last "piece" before he ties the knot. He tells you the things you want to hear, but do you really think he tells his fiancé "I want to be with someone else but I'm just marrying you because I am bored" HIGHLY unlikely.

Break up with your current boyfriend as he deserves better than you

Threads merged

My previous posts are solved, and I have fixed that other situation.

- I am with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, and am now living with him in a new city, I'm happy with him and love him very much, I want to know if my relationship is going somewhere, when I asked him he said he doesn't know and wants to live it day by day, I don't want to be married right this second but want to know if it might lead that way someday, he's 26 and I'm 21, I know I'm young still and don't plan on being married until I'm like 25. Why doesn't he think about us like that? Should I be concerned

Without even looking at your older posts...

If you have to work hard at "Fixing" problems with a relationship. Then you don't have a relationship worth getting married over. Particullarly right after you "Fixed what was wrong", You don't "FIX" people... nor do you change them... they will go back into old habits eventually.

And likely that's what's going through his head as well.

THere are several types of girls... (from a guys perspective)

Those you'd never want to date.

Those you want to sleep with but never take home to mom..

Those you would date and take home to mom... are fun to be with but not really wife material.

Then there are those that you know you want to spend your life with.


Doesn't matter what YOU think about him... which do think he he considers you?

Well he doesn't know anything about the other posts or whatever, I am a faithful girl, I never cheated on him, and this little thing was only a fling but it the long run, my boyfriend was much better fit, he asked a girl to marry him before and she said no, but he was only 21 at that time, so he thinks he was just young and didn't know any better, I think that rejection has an effect on what he thinks about marriage now

I doubt it... about the rejection, particularly 4 years later.

What I mean is while YOU appear to be in a rush to get married... its clear HE isn't.

He doesn't need a reason NOT to be in the marrying mood... you do however have to have all the right reasons TO get married. Otherwise its an impulse and impluse decisions are never good decisions.

And when the time is right you will both be in that frame of mind, and would be for some period. I recommend several years... because if you fear it can't wait... a wedding ring isn't going to change anything.

Well, the way you've got your lives set up--getting married isn't a priority, but instead is just another legal document. There's a reason cohabiting just doesn't work, and you've found it out--because living together and all that is what gives men the incentive to ask a woman to marry him. Since you're already living with him, caring for the home, sleeping with him, fixing his meals, etc., etc., etc., then there's little incentive for him to want to marry you, since you're already living as husband and wife.

You're going to have to continue to have this discussion with him. It will eventually end, in one of 3 ways.

1 - you guys get married.

2 - you never marry, but stay together

3 - he continues saying he won't marry you, you decide that's simply not good enough for you, and you leave him.

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One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. - Judith Viorst

Your previous post is solved?

I find this odd,only yesterday you were choosing between two guys,preferring the ex,who is about to marry the mother of his child and today you are very much in love with your boyfriend of 2.5years and want to marry him?

I suggest you seriously think about whether you should be in a relationship at all.

It seems you go from one extreme to another.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by degoqueen

My previous posts are solved, and i have fixed that other situation.
- I am with my bf for 2.5 years, and am now living with him in a new city, im happy with him and love him very much, i want to know if my relationship is going somewhere, when i asked him he said he doesnt know and wants to live it day by day, i dont want to be married right this second but want to know if it might lead that way someday, hes 26 and im 21, i know im young still and dont plan on being married til im like 25. why doesnt he think about us like that?? should i be concerned

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I am not buying the first line of this post because of yesterday's question (If it were a month ago, I might believe you, but less than 24 hours is not enough time to be certain):

Quote:

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Originally Posted by degoqueen

So basically i love my boyfriend alot!!!! and i am talking to this other guy that was dating before when i was younger, it seems like me and him get along so well and the only problem is that hes getting married but doesnt want to be with her, he has a son with her, hes of a different race and my father is very old school. i always had feelings for this other guy and i would have to move back home to be near him.. idk what to do

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And the second post in that thread:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by degoqueen

he does want to be with me as well, we get along better than me and my bf do and his gf and him do..

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For some reason I don't think you are as clear in your mind as to what you want as you want to believe or want others to believe.

I think you may be wanting him to jump on the 'marriage' bandwagon to help you make up your mind. That won't work for either of you. You may not have physically cheated, but I am not so sure that you didn't cross the line emotionally.

You are 21 and acting like you have to have your entire romantic life mapped out three days ago. Give yourself time to know that this is the person you really and truly want to be with that he isn't the one you are fixating on because he is in your bed right now.

Don't try to convince yourself that this is your 'soul mate' because you are afraid of being alone. That isn't fair to either one of you. This advice has nothing to do with the ex. Whether he gets married or not is his business. You should not make any decisions in your life based on his.

So let me get this straight.

Yesterday you weren't sure who you were going to choose. Today you want to marry your boyfriend.

Did you forget to take your meds?

The issues you have aren't solved in one day and you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire unless you have serious issues.

I think it's time you were alone for a while.

You're 21. Why are you so desperate to get married?

Your Bf has the right attitude - he's waiting until he feels ready, and he's being honest with you.

You made the choice to move to another city to be with him. If you're happy and in love, enjoy it. It doesn't have to lead to marriage.

Threads merged

Ive been with my boyfriend for over 2.5 years now, and I love him to death, and I was sure I wanted to be with him forever but now its like ever since I've been having such a big social life of being 21 I kind of want to be like yea I'm single and have people buy me a drink, my boyfriend doesn't go to the bars with me or anything, I don't cheat I just don't know if maybe this is just a phase that will pass or do I really not want to be with him

You've been contemplating this break up for a while now. If you have so many problems, work it out. Otherwise, go your separate ways.

You can have a lot of history in 2.5 years, so it's not easy to let go. But forcing yourselves to stay together when you're not compatible is not healthy either.

Your all over the place and don't know what you really want, or how to get it. A sure indication of you may need to be single, and find yourself.

I thinks its normal to be young, and not know exactly what you need to do to be happy.

Its also normal to enjoy your youth, and try to have a great time growing and learning.

'Forever' is along time when you're 21.

Stop projecting about what you want in the future and enjoy the present.

If you're uncertain that's normal. You don't need to be in a relationship and the only way to find what you want in life is to go out an experience it.

Threads merged

My boyfriend has been away for a few days at his parents house, & I'm out every weekend with my friends downtown, and he can never go because he always has class and stuff, so I asked him if he wants to have a night with me and he said yes, the problem is... right now there are no movies he wants to see. We go out to dinner not a lot but enough, so I don't know what else we can do together

There are TONS of things you can do together, that aren't just fun, but they're also free (not sex ;))

-go on a picnic
-take a walk
-make dinner together
-play video games together, or rent a movie.

OR: you could ask him what he wants to do, and discuss it, just between the two of you..

Like we always watch TV & stuff, and cook, like I want to do something different.. like its wintry here. We are getting snow right now.. so walking or a picnic isn't always a good idea

Threads merged

Me and my boyfriend of 3 years live together and we broke up, I can't afford to live on my own and my friend wants too much money from me but besides that.. I thought I was doing okay, I got back to the dating scene and everything but no one appeals to me. No one can make me laugh like my ex can, and I get so much happier being with him. He wants to see other people but all I want is to be with him. Well I guess I'm still heart broken. He still is like good to me, he makes me dinner & he acts like he's my boyfriend ( just isn't affectionate )... I don't know how to go about getting over him. I love him so much :(

As long as you keep hanging around with him and living the fantasy you'll continue down this path of frustration and heartache.

First to get over him, you have to get away from him. How do you expect to get better when the person causing the pain, you keep around?

I have to agree. You need your distance from him and the past relationship. You can't really heal while you still have ties to him.

You need to move out of the living arrangements in order for you to actually move on.

No one would be able to get over an ex while still living with them. Its impossible. Your mind just simply won't allow it.

Can't you move back home with your parents? Or at least can they help you out for a bit?

You never broke up with him. The intimacy may be gone.. but you've now entered the pathetic friend zone. Hes your friend. Yes he still cares for you. You two spent 3 years together. Even a relationship that ends on a bad note still has a flicker. Problem is, that flicker just doesn't have enough fuel to ignite.

You need to move out. The feelings will go away once he is completely out of your life. Right now, you're torturing yourself. Stop digging the knife deeper and get out.