Threads merged

Me and my ex had a very special relationship. We were eachothers' first loves and we cared about each other a lot. We had something special and meaningful. It was amazing.

Then, because of distance, we grew apart. He broke up with me because he didn't feel the same anymore.

Now, distance isn't an issue anymore. And I think we can go back to how we were before. But he is over me and isn't interested.

But even though I don't feel the same anymore either, when I think of him and being with him, I think of how things used to be. Because I want to get that back and truly believe it is possible. That's why, when it comes to letting go and moving on, it hurts because I feel like I'm letting go of that special thing we had. And I don't want to because we had something special and I don't want to lose it.

But I'm scared that when he thinks of me, and being with me, he is just thinking of how things are NOW and not how they were before. Because maybe he thinks that things can never go back to how they were before. So he wants to let go and move on, because to him, he is only letting go of what we have NOW (which isn't that special or anything) so he wants to let it go since it isn't even good. And to him, he is only losing what we have NOW.

But I don't want him to think that way, because we CAN get back what we had before. I don't want him to just think about now, I want him to think about before too because it can come back. And if we move on, we are losing that too. And I know it was very special to him too and he wouldn't want to lose it.

I'm sure your relationship will be a fond memory for both of you throughout your lives. You can't make someone love you again, so please stop torturing yourself and move on. You said it yourself: "he is over me and isn't interested."

Maybe you had something special,but he broke up with you,moved on and now he doesn't want to know.

You need to listen to what his actions and words are telling you.

You can't force him to feel something he doesn't.

You need to heal properly from the breakup by letting this go.

I'm not trying to force him to fall in love with me again. I'm just saying its possible for him to... if he gives it a chance.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

I'm just saying its possible for him to...if he gives it a chance.

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Maybe it's not. I could never re-fall in love with ex-boyfriends again once I had moved on. Everything had changed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

I'm not trying to force him to fall in love with me again. I'm just saying its possible for him to...if he gives it a chance.

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How old are you? How long were you with him before distance became an issue? Does he have another girlfriend now?

I am wondering if you are forcing yourself to stay in love with him instead of accepting what is past is past. You seem to be holding on to 'what was' as though if you let it go there won't be a 'what will be'.

You aren't the same person you were 'in the past', neither is he. You have both grown in different ways over the course of time. The fit can never be the same again. He seems to understand.

You need to look forward, not back. You will miss so much life and possibilities if you only concentrate on the past. You could be over-looking the person who would be perfect for you right now. Someone who will work with you to build a future. Give the future the chance you think he should give the past.

yellowjello I know its hard to think that your first love is now out of your life. You two had something special, But that was in the past, your living your life in the past and that's really bad for your future.

You can't make a relationship work if two parties don't feel the same. Love overcomes all, but you two are no longer in love. How can you two make your relationship last if love is not in the picture. You are trying to grab on something that's no longer their, you are in denial and won't accept the fact that you are not in love and he is no longer also. HE moved on and you need to accept it.

Your hoping for everything to get back the way it was. Its never going to happen, even if you two get back together that's not going to last, and your going to end up being hurt. Please do yourself a favor and move on. The sooner the better so you can heal and end your pain and wondering.
TAKE THIS LOST AND LEARN FROM IT.

Thank you for your responses.

Cat, I am 21, he is 20. We were together for 5 months before distance became an issue (but we lived together so we were with each other 24/7). He does not have a girlfriend now. I understand that people change, but our distant period was only for two months, so I don't think we have changed much. I agree with you that I am holding on to the past... but can't it be the present again?



Showme,
It's true that both parties need to be in love and I agree with that. I didn't mean we should get our relationship back without the love - that would be a horrible idea. I meant that even though our love has faded away, I think it can come back.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

Thank you for your responses.

Cat, I am 21, he is 20. We were together for 5 months before distance became an issue (but we lived together so we were with eachother 24/7). He does not have a girlfriend now. I understand that people change, but our distant period was only for two months, so I don't think we have changed much. I agree with you that I am holding on to the past...but can't it be the present again?

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How long have you known him? How long did you date before you moved in together?

For things to go back to the way they were,both people have to be willing to put in the effort.

He isn't.

Whoa young lady. His feelings have changed, and no amount of going back to the good old days will convince him to because, he doesn't want to.

Accept that, whether you want to or not, and you can let go, and move on yourself. You just refuse to let go, but for sure you can't go back.

Threads merged
Because I don't want to.

For many other people, they know that what they had is gone for good. They know its over and will not come back. So they can walk away.

With me, I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that we can still get back what we lost. That's why it's hard to walk away. It is hard to walk away from something that is still there. Something that can still come back.

All the advice to take it off my mind and distract myself and forget about it feels plain wrong. If I can still get it back, it feels wrong to let go of it.


Cat,
We actually met after moving in together. We were roommates in a student apartment. We started dating about a month after we met.

Amicon,
Yes, I totally agree with you. I'm just scared that the only reason he isn't putting in the effort is because he thinks it isn't possible. If he KNEW it was possible, and STILL didn't want to, I'm totally okay with that. But I'm just scared that he doesn't know it's possible.


talaniman,
Yes, I know he doesn't want to. But that's the thing, I'm scared that he is under the impression that his feelings will never come back. If only he knew that his feelings COULD come back, then he can choose whether he wants them to or not. But right now I feel like he doesn't know that they can.


I'm sorry for posting twice. Just ignore this thread since it is somewhat similar to my other one.


Wait when I said ignore this thread, I meant the other one (which is now deleted). I thought I posted that there, but I guess it got posted here instead.

This thread is fine please do reply =)

They were merged so no worries, but I think he has already made his decision, and you will only torture yourself by refusing to accept it as he no longer wants what you want, and you can only ruin the good memories and make a pest of yourself, and that will push him further away, NOT bring him closer.

I urge you to let this go, and give yourself time to let your emotional dust settle, so you can see for yourself, YOU are much to carried away for anything good to come of this.

talaniman,
Oh okay thanks for your reply! It is true that he has made his decision, but don't you think it matters if he doesn't know that things can go back? Maybe if he knew, his decision would be different..

That's the problem though, your trying to steer him into that direction it sounds like... me and my ex-girlfriend had a "distance" for 2 years, we were together twice in the past, 3rd time she came back to me and basically did what your attempting to do, and I figured OK maybe things will work now... guess what... they didn't..

TYPICALLY if something doesn't work the first time it will never work... Letting go of the past, no matter how short or long ago it was, is very important... and also very hard.

The point is you shouldn't HAVE TO try and direct someone towards feelings or wanting to be in a relationship, they should just want that.. no convincing should be involved, how is that healthy...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

talaniman,
Oh okay thanks for your reply! It is true that he has made his decision, but don't you think it matters if he doesn't know that things can go back? Maybe if he knew, his decision would be different..

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You were together such a short time that I wonder if you aren't projecting your feelings onto him. For him, it may have ended up being a quick fling. What was said then may have been true to him at the time but it wasn't enough when reality set in.

You are so sure of your own feelings that you aren't allowing him to have his own. It isn't healthy in a relationship and it definitely isn't healthy in a break-up. You have to respect his right to feel the way he does and accept that maybe he didn't feel as strongly as you do.

But I'm not =( Everyone seems to think that I'm somehow trying to convince him or force him to come back. But I'm not... he can choose whether he wants to come back or not. It is his choice and I do respect his wishes. I just think he should know that it is in fact possible, before choosing. How come everyone thinks that is convincing him?

People do this in lots of situations,
"You can choose to be mad at me or not, but before you choose I think you should know what happened"
"You can choose whether you want to go to college or not, but before you choose I think you should know that it is possible to get a job without going to college"

It's just clearing up any misconceptions before they make their choice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

he can choose whether he wants to come back or not. It is his choice and I do respect his wishes.

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He doesn't know he has a choice? You're going to tell him?

No he knows he has a choice... why wouldn't he?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

But I'm not =( Everyone seems to think that I'm somehow trying to convince him or force him to come back. But I'm not...he can choose whether he wants to come back or not. It is his choice and I do respect his wishes. I just think he should know that it is in fact possible, before choosing. How come everyone thinks that is convincing him?

It's just clearing up any misconceptions before they make their choice.

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The problem is he has made his choice.

You aren't accepting his choice now. How many times has he 'thought about it'? Would him giving it anymore thought and still choosing to move on make a difference? How many more times do you want him to 'think about it'? At some point you have to accept that he has made a decision and move forward with your own life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

I do respect his wishes.

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Good! Problem solved!

In your defense, your not the first one to be convinced that further discussion may change someone's mind. Everybody does it.

Read the stickies at the beginng of this forum, there is a link in my signature

Threads merged


Sometimes even though people move on, they still always remember a particular relationship. It always has a place in their heart, and they fondly look back at old memories reminicing. They talk about special times they had with a smile on their face because they remember how they felt and old feelings come back to them as they remember/relive those memories.

And other times, people move on, but when they look back at a relationship, they remember what happened and nothing more. Its just like a fact to them. They remember this and this and this happened but it doesn't really mean anything to them anymore. They don't really care for it anymore.

It's hard to explain but I know that there is a difference. For example when I look back at certain memories with one of my exs, I feel nothing for them.. its just blah. I just recognize it happened, and if I relive it in my head, it's almost awkward.. to mentally experience that with that person.. since I feel nothing for them.

But my friend, she looks back at memories of her first love, and she smiles. She talks about them very fondly and they still make her feel the way they made her feel when they happened.
She doesn't have feelings for him or anything, she is with someone else and loves the new person.

So what makes some relationships "always stay in your heart" and others not?

Just the feelings you two shared. I mean I have good memories from some relationships but others I just knew too much pain to remember the good things. Some just make you remember how you actually felt loved

I think its like some songs you really like stay with you, and others just fade away. We all have special memories of good times that were better than others.

Memories are a part of who we are. I think if your relationship was pretty casual, the memories wouldn't amount too much, but if you really loved the person, the "fond" memories may come through.

It's perfeccly natural to still think about an ex, after all you shared time together, and these thoughts are all stored in our memory banks. But as long as you realize these memories are only water under the bridge, I don't see any harm in thinking back to previous relationships, after all where would we be without hindsight?

Threads merged


Me and my ex were very close and cared about each other a lot. We were in a very serious relationship. We broke up because his feelings changed after it became long distance.

Now, he is over me. He lost interest in me. He doesn't care to talk to me. We aren't close anymore. He doesn't care about me anymore. I'm a nobody to him. He is so cold to me.

I don't understand why. We didn't break up on bad terms. I never did anything wrong to him. The only thing I did do was talk to his friend about how I still want to get back together with him. But I never harassed him or begged or pleaded. I gave him his space and respected that.

Is this all because of that? Because he knows I'm not over him? Or did he genuinely stop caring just because he did. Is this normal?

I don't get how you can just stop caring about someone, not only that but being cold to the point where they're just a nobody to you and it wouldn't matter if they were dead or alive.

That's what hurts the most - the way he feels now. It's not even about the breakup, its about the way he's acting after we broke up.

I would not be taking this personally, it's about him, not about you.

Some people just don't know how to respond to the end of a relationship. For them it's better if they act as if that person never existed and then they are able to move into other relationships more easily.

Some people also don't know how to retain a friendship, once the relationship is over. Perhaps their interest dies as well as the emotional connection.

Your ex BF might just be that sort of person.

I'd suggest you stop contacting him or having any expectations of his behavior. There is little point in trying to understand his motives - it just keeps you stuck in the past and wasting your time thinking about him.

See his coldness as a gift - it's giving YOU the chance to move on!

You really need to let this go;you were given some good advice in one of your previous threads,so again,realise that he has moved on,he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

That doesn't mean he hates you,in fact he is doing you a favour by staying away.

And so should you-go no contact and allow yourself to start healing.

I wouldn't take his coldness as a reflection on you at all and not take it personally. Some people just close up, put their walls up and distance themselves from situations emotionally. I don't think you have done anything to make him hate you. He has closed up and dealing with this in his way.

I agree with the others that he is doing you a favour. Believe me, from experience you don't want it the other way around where they lead you on with false hope and you end up back at square one every couple of weeks for over a year.

Take this time to focus on yourself and what you want in life. I found joining new clubs and meeting new people really helped me get over my long serious relationship. The busier I was with friends the less time I had to think about him.

He is thinking about himself right now as should you be. (As hard as that is to do). I know it hurts right now and trying to understand how someone can turn their feelings off - but it gets better everyday - trust me on that. Plus we are here for you too and it's a great outlet.

Hi,
You say you guys are broken up, and he is over you.
He has no obligation to catch up with you and be nice to you. You expectation is not reasonable, because you are still in denial and have false hope.
Just accept it and let him go, sweetie!
Please do not make any effort to contact him directly or indirectly. It will only hurts you more.

Don't beat yourself up over this man. Sometimes it's easier for a person, too be cold and distant, it's their way of breaking up. He thinks you will go away. It's not you, stop blaming yourself. For whatever reason it was, he has decided to move on, and that's what you have to do too. Breakups aren't meant to be easy! You just have to look forward and don't look back. Keep yourself busy!

Check out these sites, and understand that your grief is normal for what you have been through.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

The Stages Of Grief

We all go through those feelings of grief when relationships end.

Whether is our first, or most recent one.

What's really important to understand & swallow is that people change.

Period. Its all how we ourselves deal with that change & in turn, change ourselves to be better & more aware.

Memories are memories (the past). What's really important is the now.

Thank you for all your responses - I appreciate it. I don't know if I made this clear but I am not trying to get back together with him. I am not in denial of anything. I know he does not want to be with me - caring about someone doesn't mean being in a relationship with them. To be honest I don't see why there is such a dichotomy between being in a relationship and not giving a crap about each other. I don't know where this all or nothing mentality is coming from. I know many people that break up, but still care about each other.

I understand that his coldness may be a favor to me and I'll agree with that to some extent. It will provide me with an opportunity to move on. However contrary to popular belief, it will make moving on more difficult. As I move on, I know what we had will always mean something to me. And knowing it means nothing to him makes it hurt a lot more and makes it a lot more difficult.


On a side note, I'm sorry if the way I talk comes off as blunt... it's just how I talk. I don't really know how to change it lol. But I just want you all to know that I'm not trying to be argumentative or anything... it's just when I talk I'm really to the point.

The harder you try, the more he's going to pull away from you.

Whatever you two had going that was special, I'm sure didn't consist of you crying over him every time you thought of him or even talked to him.

You may never get back what once was. You're living too much in the past. You need to live in the NOW. He's changed. You've changed, even though you won't admit it, but I'm sure you have.

You need to let him go... That age old saying.. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it was truely ment to be.. If it never returns, then it never was ment to be"

It may sound corny, but there is a lot of truth in it.

If you really love him, put distance between you two. He's not going to fall for the girl who is falling all over herself to bring back the past. He's living in the NOW... and, like you said, NOW really sucks.

If you want you're relationship to go back to how it was.. If you want to get him back.. then you need to back off from him. Live your own life. Make yourself happy. Once he sees you being YOU again, he may come back. When that happens, don't live in the past. Live in the future. Don't bring up the past... at least not for a very long time.

Its actually more attractive to see someone standing on their own two feet instead of watching them crumble. Prove to this boy that you are strong! If he loves you, he'll come back to you whole heartedly!

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However contrary to popular belief, it will make moving on more difficult. As I move on, I know what we had will always mean something to me. And knowing it means nothing to him makes it hurt a lot more and makes it a lot more difficult.

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That's exactly what NC is about, moving on, and giving yourself a chance to accept that its over, and let time take the sting out of your hurt feelings.

Sigh, the last two responses both said to "let go of the relationship".

I don't know how I can be any clearer. I am not trying to get the relationship back.

Lucky, your ENTIRE post was saying 'if I want to get him back I should let go of the past'. I do not want to get him back, I am not trying to get him back. I am not trying to get back what once was. Maybe your post was in response to my ORIGINAL post? The very first one?

talaniman,
Your post is basically saying I should move on and accept that it's over. Please listen to me - I have accepted that it is over, I am not trying to get back together! I don't know how else I can say that. I have accepted that it is over and am ready to move on. The point of my post was NOT that I don't want to move on. The point of my post was that I WANT to move on, but on good terms rather than bad.

I really don't know why what I am saying is not being understood.

This is the clearest I can put it:
I have accepted it is over.
I do not want to get back together with him.
I would rather have us move on with our lives, always remembering what we had.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yellowjello

I would rather have us move on with our lives, always remembering what we had.

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For some people, 'always remembering what we had' is the same as holding on to the past. It is like the people who keep looking at their ex's Facebook page or keep thinking about the relationship over and over again trying to figure out what went wrong and who had greater fault. They are grasping at threads to keep the relationship from totally disappearing.

Think about it this way, if you are 'always' remembering the past then you aren't leaving much room for the present and future. It has the effect of keeping the past relationship alive and can give an opening to regrets and false hopes. Where does a future relationship fit in if your focus is on what was?

Maybe, what you mean is that you would hope he remembers the past fondly when he thinks of it instead of dwelling just on the negative aspects of breaking up? Like smiling at a picture in a photo album you haven't opened in years. The memory the picture brings up is welcome rather than painful because the hurt has been allowed to fully dissipate.

Threads merged

After we broke up, we stayed friends. He gradually started talking to me less as he lost interest, and I started putting more of an effort into talking to him. Plus I told mutual friends how much I still liked him, and they went and told him. So he started avoiding me, telling everyone I keep trying to get back together and won't leave him alone. I never begged and pleaded! Only spoke to him as a friend, but he still thought that.

Anyway now he has the worst opinion of me. He thinks I'm crazy. He makes fun of me and I'm like a joke to him now. He thinks I'm weird and clingy and just crazy.

I know you all are going to say that his opinion of me shouldn't matter and I should move on. I know I should move on and that's what I'll do. But I don't want him to think this badly of me. I don't want to be remembered like this.

Is there any way to improve his opinion of me?
Leaving him alone is often suggested but will that really help?
I feel like if I just leave it, no matter how much time passes he'll still always remember me this way.. because this is how it left off so it's the last thing he knows.
I was thinking maybe explain myself.. how I was only trying to be friends and I didn't mean anything else. Or maybe even admit I was being crazy and agree with him, and apologize, say I don't know what got into me..