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-   -   What did I do wrong? How to get over her? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=467699)

  • Apr 28, 2010, 01:04 PM
    rytter
    What did i do wrong? How to get over her?
    Well to begin this,

    This is my first post ever. I just googled advice and this cite came up, so here it goes!

    I was in a relationship for pretty much 4 years. March 19 was our anniversary.

    -The story-

    So I had been with this girl for four years, and it was both of our firsts. I had pretty much done anything and everything to make life easier for this girl, I loved her with my whole heart. She grew up in a tough area, or a ghetto or whatever you want to call it. She had no father, no anything. She's very anti-social and depressing. For the first three years of our relationship I had drove her back and forth to work, and to college. Were we both attended the same work and college. We had a cute little notebook that we both wrote into when one of us was in class and the other was waiting in the car. She never really put anything into the relationship money wise, but she had a great heart and was a very good girl for the most part. Her brother has autism, and I always used to take him to the movies with us and take him out to have fun. I even gave him $500 dollars worth of Polo clothes, and I helped him get a laptop. I even used my credit line to help get this girl a Computer, and a Monitor. She wanted a brand new phone, I went out and got it for her sidekick or whatever it was. I showered her with jealoury and our anniversaries and on birthdays, christmas etc etc. She always wanted an iPod I went out and got it for her. I did everything for this girl, what more could a girl see in a man, if he is willing to do her good, rather than be selfish and do for himself. She trusted me with everything all of her emotions and problems, she was a great catch. Yea we got into fights, and her maturity level was kind of lacking, she always used to get jealous if I talked to other girls etc etc. She was kind of mentally different or whatever, usually has a very bad temper, I don't know she was a crazy latina! But anyway, I went to Florida this December for a great job, she was excited for me and she said we should take a break etc since I was moving away. She was destroyed and I knew it from all the body language and everything, but this job was 1,300 a week and I would be set for life! It was with Pepsi, and in Florida, I tried to get her to move down with me but she wanted to finish up school, and felt like she had to do her own thing. So two months go by, and than we really weren't talking too much I was in my own world with a brand new life, doing great. She started talking to me again out of no where, said that she was pregnant, and I quit my job DROVE 1,500 miles back to New Hampshire from Florida, and to find out that she had lied to me about the whole pregnancy just to get me back. I was bull, cause now I'm back home unemployed and just sitting dwelling about how I screwed everything up over some girl. So I try to act like it doesn't bother me with everything that happens, we keep getting in fights. I finally get some side work this is February and than I removed her as a relationship status on my facebook(which was childish and dumb) because she was angry that I couldn't see her every night, because I had work at 5am everymorning that week. So a week goes by, and like an idiot I try and get back with her after I dumped her. Now she comes over and tells me that she is going to take this opportunity to live her life with no regrets, and get over me finally. Im devastated, I sit there and beg like a dog, crying letting all my emotions flow. I have never cried in my life since I was 12 and I'm 24 years old. She leaves, a day goes by I text her, she responds saying she's sticking to her guns, and she wants me to realize how bad I effed up. So than I let the days go by, texting and calling she ignores it, than on our 4 year anniversary March 19, I sent her two dozen roses, that cost me 180 and I'm unemployed, so it took a lot for me to come up with that. She ignored it, I texted ignored it, I broke down and called her 50 times in a row ignored it. Than I dumped her stuff off at her house that notebook that we had written everything in, at her house with the teddy bear that she used to cuddle with while I was away in Florida. She called me on a private number (cause she changed her number) flipped out, said never ever go to her property again. So after that a I notice trash bags at my house with all my clothes, etc. were talking via e-mail cause she won't give me her number, someone hacked her Facebook and she blamed me, came to me for help with it, but still in the end blamed me for all of it. I helped her shut down the Facebook account, after that couple more days go by more stuff ends up in my driveway in trash bags. Than I put together all her love notes, cards and all stuff that had emotional value it in a trash bag and left it in her driveway. She never talked about it, sent me an e-mail saying hi, etc etc, nothing special. I let time go by etc, than April 16 I sent her an e-mail, saying how its time for me to put my two feet forward, and worry about myself from now own, explaining how I felt betrayed and all my emotions, for closure for myself, and wishing her luck telling her she was a great girl, and she will find a great man in time, very respectful and responsible. She never responded, and its been almost two weeks. But something dire has happen, she burned a teddy bear at a friends bonfire, and had her friend post the pictures of it on Facebook? Seriously, is she doing this for attention or wants a response out of me? Its been almost 2 weeks of complete no contact. What do I do? And why did she burn that and post it on Facebook? HELP!


    oh I forgot, she was a huge part of my family. When I was in Florida she would always visit my mother and hang out with my two dogs, for rememberence of me. She was definitely a keeper, but with all that's going on I'm just so jaded. The worst part is I'm unemployed for two months now, and I just sit and dwell, because I don't have money to do anything. Best part is WHILE I was in Florida, she called me asking for money for school cause she needed help, I sent her 300 dollars threw the wal-mart money center, than a week later she needed money for gas, and her girlfriends where having a party, and she needed to get stuff for it, and I sent her another 100 dollars. Gasp, I hate this
  • Apr 28, 2010, 09:56 PM
    bloooooper7

    Lied to you about being pregnant to get you back and ruin an opportunity for to succeed. Maybe the relationship wasn't going to work because you two were apart. But I mean that's so selfish and inconsiderate to ruin your opportunity like that.

    And the stuff after that... She sounds nuts to me man. And I know how you feel did most of everything for my ex too, I also got desperate and stuff trying to hold on after we broke up. Just learn, don't feel bad about it your not the first nor the last to do that.

    If I was you I'd accept it's over. Go NC. Then in a while realize how lucky you are to get away from selfish, lying, teddy bear burning nutcase...

    But that's just me :).
  • Apr 28, 2010, 11:31 PM
    talaniman

    After all you have been through, stop reading her face book, and go NC forever, and get a job, and keep your money. Let that be a lesson to you next time, giving gifts is not love, its payment for company when its not returned or appreciated.

    The next one has to be better, it just has to be. She sounds like the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 08:29 AM
    rytter

    Its just so weird, and hard at the same time. Because I came back for her, and she knows this. And she leaves me when I'm at my all-time low? Is she just looking for attention though when she burned that teddy bear? And do you think she will ever communicate with me again, and IF so do I just ignore it? Or ask for a motive to all the deceit, and deception?
  • Apr 29, 2010, 08:41 AM
    talaniman

    Maybe you should take this as your eyes are finally open to her true character and motives.

    That's why you leave this one alone.

    Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

    Talaniman Rule - Never ever get to close to a person that has a committed partner in their lives.

    Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

    Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

    Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

    Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

    Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

    Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 09:06 AM
    rytter

    Yea I do see it that way too, but as far as IF she tries to communicate with me again? What do I do? I mean she was a huge part of my life, and yea there was some good in this relationship it wasn't completely one sided.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 09:26 AM
    amicon

    IF she does,I suggest you ignore her.

    Leaving this in the past and moving on is your best option.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 09:46 AM
    talaniman

    You ignore her forever. Did you read my rules? Read them again, and understand you have allowed her to ruin your life enough. That's not a friend to have, or something to go back to.

    How about ignoring her forever. Especially since now your broke, and she is the last thing you need if/when you do get a job.

    Anything involving her would be a very foolish waste of time, money, and effort, plus why reward bad behavior with letting her back into your life? She simply doesn't deserve it, does she?

    Comes a time in every mans life that a pretty face, and sweet words, JUST DON'T CUT IT, any more.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 12:36 PM
    rytter

    I see where you guys are coming from, but what if she is sincerely sorry, and talks to me like a human being? I mean I will ignore her if its in my best intentions, but if she does keep persistantly making contact with me, and does try and reconcile with me on a nice note? Why not give it another chance? I kind of prevoced all of this onto myself in a sense, I did dump her first childishly on Facebook, I didn't even tell her face to face


    Oh and the whole bear burning? Is that just out of anger? Or does she actually just want my attention, because of my well written e-mail telling her respectfully that she is a great girl, and that I have to worry about myself from this point out
  • Apr 29, 2010, 01:36 PM
    talaniman

    Oh well, I guess you didn't get it rammed to you enough, and think she was just mad, and not evil.

    That's why I said you allowed her to do what she did. Go ahead allow her a second chance to do it again.
    Quote:

    she had lied to me about the whole pregnancy just to get me back. I was bull, cause now im back home unemployed and just sitting dwelling about how i screwed everything up over some girl. So I try to act like it doesn't bother me with everything that happens, we keep getting in fights. I finally get some side work this is February and than i removed her as a relationship status on my facebook(which was childish and dumb) because she was angry that i couldnt see her every night, because I had work at 5am every morning that week.
    Am I missing something, or are you? Go ahead, buy her something else, when she gets mad again, and she will for certain, she will burn that too!
  • Apr 29, 2010, 02:02 PM
    rytter

    I hate to admit it, and in fact your right. I know I can live without her, to be honest I just don't really dwell on it all that much, its just the possibility of her coming back, because she is going to realize how good she had it with me. I'm just torn, I really appreciate your advice, but I'm just so blahh, get me?
  • Apr 29, 2010, 04:03 PM
    bloooooper7

    There's good days and bad days. Just don't justify her behavior by blaming yourself. If you go back you will just get more hurt sooner or later.

    Put your focus elsewhere and it'll get better.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 04:09 PM
    talaniman

    Over time, you will not be so BLAH, as you recover from getting off this highly emotionally charged roller coaster. Blah is good sometimes.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 04:22 PM
    chuff

    Rytter, I believe some day you will see this two faced skank as I do.

    This woman lied to you about being pregnant. This woman forced you to quit a job you liked. This woman made you buy her stuff for years. This woman left you at the lowest point in your life. What you owe her at this point is not more time or money or understanding. This is one of the worst case's I've seen on this site of a woman abusing a man through emotional leverage and games. Reread everything Tal has wrote and then reread it again. You are a victim of abuse and your so blinded by love that you don't even realize it. Her not being in your life is the biggest and best gift you've ever got. Cherish it and love it because your life has got better without her in it, and I guarantee in 6-8 months from now you'll look back and realize what happened and realize just how luck you were to get out.
  • Apr 29, 2010, 05:54 PM
    rytter

    Thank you for all your advice, and I'm going to completely ignore this girl. This is the best gift, even though its so hard to digest all of this.. but life goes on.

    Ill keep you updated if she tries to contact me
  • Apr 30, 2010, 07:00 AM
    chuff
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by rytter View Post
    thank you for all your advice, and im going to completly ignore this girl. this is the best gift, even though its so hard to digest all of this.. but life goes on.

    ill keep you updated if she tries to contact me

    It is hard to digest this all at one time. It's a life change but if this woman good for you, we'd all be saying "Rytter don't let her go." Instead, we are all saying, "Rytter get over this hump and life WILL be better without her." I think because you've spent 4 years with her, you have come to assume that all relationships are like this. They are not. I mean I have dealt with some women that I wish bad things on, but for the love of all things holy, this woman told you she was pregnant to force you to leave a job you loved. THAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!

    My God, on the flip side look at how many guys out there when they really hear that there girl is pregnant take off. Instead, you quit a job and came back. Don't tell me there isn't a girl out there that would be interested in someone who is loyal, self sufficient, and puts family first. Don't tell me you can't find someone better. I'll take it a step further, let's say you can't. You are still better off then being around her. It's better to be single then to be used and abused which is exactly what she was doing to you.

    It is hard when there is a sudden loss, but at the same time many great things in people's lives came from moments like you are currently in. Now is the time to heal and then to learn what not to do in the future. In the future the gifts stop. In the future no money is given out. She's a woman and they have had equal rights for over 100 years tell her to get a job. I serious too, tell her those exact words. She'll know not to continue to ask you, and she'll know you take yourself seriously, so she'd better as well. I find it incredibly insulting when people ask me for money. But she wasn't even broke, she was having parties with your money. How you treat yourself tells a woman how she can treat you. Do not give away what you worked for. What you worked for you appreciate and she should as well. Do not take what you have for granted and she will learn to not take it for granted either.
  • May 1, 2010, 03:41 PM
    rytter

    Well I never receive blocked calls from anyone other than my grandparents because there ultra old, and have a block on there number, so I received a call Friday at noon, no message no anything. I call my grandparents and it wasn't them, I don't know. It felt good not picking it up!
  • May 2, 2010, 02:17 AM
    amicon

    Stay with that feeling and never pick up!
  • May 4, 2010, 09:48 AM
    rytter

    So today, I had to drop off the last of her stuff, and I went to her house. In the ghetto mind you, and I knocked knocked knocked no answer, her car was the only one in the driveway. Than I read on it that there was a for sale sign, with a number.. so I called the number and got her on the phone... she came outside, and her face was covered in acne, and had huge crators on her face, she looked like complete . I had a fresh polo white tee on and some fresh sneakers, with some designer jean shorts. And I have been working out lately, so my muscles where poppin. So I gave her what I had to give her, and she goes how did you get my number, I pointed to the car. Than she said do I have to get a restraining order, and I went don't worry about it I won't be back here, I don't have a reason to anymore. So than I can I get my money that I had sent you while I was in Florida, and she goes I'm losing my job. I don't have any money right now, but I promise I will get that to you once I do. So moral of the story, she's losing her car, losing her job, and looks like complete . Does love really make you that blind? But here's the dilema, member how I said I used to do everything for this girl, I think she is going to try something once she hits rock bottom to get back with me, because I was such a huge support in her life. Karma is such a .
  • May 4, 2010, 03:39 PM
    chuff
    [QUOTE=rytter;2340187] Than she said do I have to get a restraining order, [QUOTE]

    Feel free to hit me with some reddies people and do not follow through with this but if ever a woman deserved to smacked upside her head it is this thing. I'm just absolutely stunned. After all these lies about pregnancy, taking money, and making you quit your job, she now threatens a restraining order.

    I truly have no words.
  • May 4, 2010, 04:08 PM
    Gemini54
    There ARE words for this and they are called - abusive female with narcissistic tendencies...

    Inflated sense of her own entitlement - tick
    Lies to get her own way - tick
    Dumps you when you don't have anything more to offer - tick
    Inability to control moods and rages - tick
    Makes you the bad guy by threatening a restraining order - tick
    Won't take responsibility for her own behavior - tick
    Totally self centered - tick

    You sound like a nice guy - perfect for woman like this. They go after men who are kind, generous, trusting, eager to please, self-reflective, and, most importantly, guys who have a desire to work things out.

    She had you firmly by the short and curlies and now you've got your chance to make good your escape. Yea, I have no doubt that she'll try and get back in contact with you and try to pull your heart strings (or the short and curlies again!). But don't kid yourself that it's karma, because she's the one that owes you.

    I'd forget about any money she owes you - you won't get it back, what you do need to get back is yourself esteem and manhood.

    Run and don't look back. This person is toxic. Go no contact. That means no Facebook, emails, texts. Nothing. Disappear from her life - don't be a fool, next time she'll suck you completely dry.

    Next time don't repeat the same mistakes.

    You don't need to act like Father Christmas to get someone to love you.
  • May 5, 2010, 05:52 AM
    chuff

    Gemini is right about not going back. You will not get the money back and much like paying for a college education, you should look at the money you spent here as a life education. Learn from it, but let it go. You'll blow money on other things in life and never learn from it. I blew $7.00 on breakfast this morning I will get nothing from after I eat it. She got your money. You got your education. You got your freedom. You got out. You win.
  • May 5, 2010, 10:11 AM
    rytter

    See that's just the thing.. it kills me to see here doing bad, I want her to succeed. I want her to go far, I pray for her to get on the right track every night. I know deep down, that I'm the best thing to ever happen to her, and she will never realize it.
  • May 5, 2010, 10:59 AM
    Cat1864
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by rytter View Post
    see thats just the thing.. it kills me to see here doing bad, i want her to suceed. i want her to go far, i pray for her to get on the right track everynight. i know deep down, that im the best thing to ever happen to her, and she will never realize it.

    She can't start building up until she hits rock bottom. You have done everything you can. One of the hardest parts of being human is understanding that we can only guide another person. They have to do the work themselves. Maybe someday she will do that work instead of expecting others to do it for her.

    Time to forgive yourself for not being able to fix her problems. Time to accept that you have your own life to lead and build. Let yourself heal from this and take the lesson with you that you need a partner not someone who sees you as less than they are or who you feel compelled to 'save' from themselves.

    Good luck continuing to get your own life firmly on track. :)
  • May 6, 2010, 04:04 AM
    Starry nights

    Seriously,bear-burning?and she's a catch?in what way?she burns you,your life and career,your bear(I am trying not to make her sound too immature),I mean,is there anything more left to burn here?why do you want her back?to burn you more?
  • May 19, 2010, 12:20 PM
    rytter

    OK well I created a formspring.me account and I've got a really weird response, the other day.. and it can only be her.. what do I do? Just ignore it? Or call her? Is it a trap? I have no idea here is what it said

    "during a certain time in my life, you were the only one there to talk to me, you got me through a lot of rough sh*t . i dont want to ask you anything. i just want to say thank you."
  • May 19, 2010, 01:56 PM
    chuff

    You do nothing. If you talk to her, it gives her the power. Right now your silence has given you power and strength over her. Do not lose it.
  • May 19, 2010, 02:53 PM
    talaniman

    Let it go. I doesn't call for a response so don't give one.
  • May 19, 2010, 04:34 PM
    ZoeMarie

    With all due respect, it sounds like you're not really listening to the advice given. Why are you trying to hunt her down? You guys are not together anymore, why are you looking to be rejected even further. And really, what difference does it make what you wear to drop of items that she obviously didn't care enough about to come get. You need to cut her completely out of your life. It should be no concern of yours how she is doing at this point. She's your ex. You should be spending this time focusing on yourself until the next girl comes along. You're wasting all kinds of time here playing games with her.

    On top of what everyone else has said about not answering your phone, maybe you should change your phone number, get a new email account and then you won't have to wonder if she's trying to get a hold of you. I'm not in any way trying to be mean, but seriously, take control of this situation.
  • May 19, 2010, 04:40 PM
    BlackVY
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by rytter View Post
    ok well i created a formspring.me account and ive got a really weird response, the other day.. and it can only be her.. what do i do? just ignore it? or call her? is it a trap? i have no idea here is what it said

    "during a certain time in my life, you were the only one there to talk to me, you got me through a lot of rough sh*t . i dont want to ask you anything. i just want to say thank you."

    Take it as you would a call or a text from her... ignore it...

    She is just trying to get a response from you, don't give her the chance to get her foot in the door once again.

    Ignore her, slam the door, dead-bolt it and walk away...
  • May 19, 2010, 07:07 PM
    Mommy102808

    You need to keep going on with your life and leaving her in your past. The more you ignore her the easier it will be on you and she will most likely try even more ways of contacting you. The key is to stick to what your brain is telling you, now is not the time to think with your heart because this girl has done stepped on your heart and burnt it for that matter.
    Money can buy a lot of things but it doesn't buy happiness or love. You will find a woman who loves you for the person you are not for what you can give her. Good luck in moving on and finding your Mrs. Right!
  • Oct 27, 2011, 12:45 PM
    rytter
    Well its been awhile. But Your advice was amazing, and you where right. I found a new girl, been dating her for the past 6 months and now I'm on here again. LOL. But this one isn't tooooooo bad, its kind of my fault. Thanks for the advice on this past relationship and Ill be looking for more on my new post ^^

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