Well.. I just want to say that I feel comfortable being here already. I've spent the past day going through the forums of users Sdjosh and Sandstorm99. Yes, they're old stories.. but let me just say this.. I feel closer to them then I do most of my own friends and family right now. I've actually found myself in tears reading and when I had to walk away I couldn't wait to get back and continue reading. I feel like I was there with them during their two year struggle. I have to say I feel great for Sdjosh (assuming his marriage is going well) but I feel like crap for Sandstorm when read his story and seeing the outcome. Who knows though.. his last post was about a year ago. I've seen the ups and the downs. I too am afraid. I too would like advice to keep my head straight and I too would like my story to one day help someone else. Sorry my typing etc. is horrible!
To start.. I had a 2 year plus relationship with my ex in which we had a child very early on. No, he wasn't an accident, and no, I will not ever say the birth of my son was stupid regardless of the situation. We were great when together.. we were different then most couples who were always trying to be that perfect show couple. I use the term "two peas in a peanut" lol.. It describes us a little bit better. Well, we haven't had the easiest of times at ALL, but we always had each other. We were stuck moving constantly and had to come up with places to live in a matter of hours (no fault of our own). I'm a felon from some ought years back and it's left me with the inability to get on at most jobs. Although I'm learning to not let that kind of stuff stand in the way now and I'm slowly getting my ambition back. SLOWLY. I tried so many different things from working short term jobs to owning my own business for a while to selling blood to provide for my family when all my applications and so forth fell through. Through all this, I started feeling a about of depression moving in. It just slowly consumed me for the past year and turned me into everything I hate about this world. I used to be the peace maker and I would end arguments.. Now I'm an a-hole and a very bitter guy. I grew up in a really crappy way with a lot of problems with family and life in general, but I never took anything I had for granted and always appreciated everything good.. Now I sit thinking about everything I do not have and I've forgotten what I do. I took my family for granted and stopped showing affection, love, and stopped spending the little moments in exchange for trying to provide only materialistic things to make things better. It was EXTREMELY STUPID of me. I started noticing things were getting bad about the same time she says now that she started losing feelings for me.. a little over a year ago.. I let stress get the best of me. I tried everything I could think of except the one thing that mattered.. BEING THERE.. I noticed she tried very hard to show me and even flat out say things to me and I blindly didn't see it.. and I heard nothing. She tried up until the final week. My son and her went to GA (we're in FL) to visit her mother's side of the family because her grandpa was just found to have cancer and his colon exploded. This side of her family used to get along great with me, but then I started noticing how much of a friend she was to my ex and not so much of a caring mother. We butted heads on various things, but we always managed to be civil and still joke about other subjects we agreed on. Anyway, I decided to stay and get some work hours in and I had to take care of her cats. I wanted them to have some bonding time and so forth as well. When they left I was feeling down about how everything had been so I started really working my off to ensure things were better and fixed so there would be less arguing and fighting about stupid stuff when they got back. When they arrived we decided to go take a trip to her dad's place here in FL for the weekend and I took her to the fair. I was so proud at how hard I worked and that I could actually finally afford to take my family out to have a good time and to spend time being a family. I let the money get to my head and had one last fit about money over something extremely stupid (wasting things.. small petty things.. ) and she finally snapped. She said that she couldn't take anymore fighting. I was confused and though "ok, maybe she just needs to cool off". I was wrong, she wanted out! I took some time to separate myself from her so I could mentally punish myself for being so dumb. When I spoke to her she said she wanted to break up right now and couldn't handle this anymore. I asked her if it was a break and she said she wanted it done and dating other people might be an idea. I was devastated. I cried (which I never do over anything but her and my son when things are VERY bad), I begged, I talked with her throughout the weekend while we were down there about it all and I got her to give me a chance. I was given one week to show her how sorry I was. We got home on a Sunday and she and I talked about it more and again STUPIDLY I pushed the subject until she broke again rather then just working on making things better. Yeah, I'm an idiot. She called her mom and left the day we got back home. She went to GA and our son is here with me. I realized two days after she left what I did and how I needed to change and what I could do to work on it. I called her almost every day when she asked for space. I tried to explain to he that I knew what happened and I knew how to fix it and that we could still be that great couple we once were. She got mad that I didn't give her space and ended up saying hurtful things during that times.. I don't blame her for it either.. She clearly stated her wants at the time. I knew we still had a chance so I kept writing to her on Facebook, myspace, even 10 pages of hand written letters in which I sent to her a week ago. She ignored them all. When we spoke on the phone (which I initiated almost 100% of the calls) I would verbally corner her and release this big wave of emotions and thoughts on her and hold her hostage on the phone for almost an hour at a time. I realize now that it was ignorant of me to think I could just talk her into coming back. I also lied and said all would be better. I now see that I'm still very much depressed. It's been 4 weeks since she left me and I've cried almost daily and had contact almost every day with the exception of a 5 day period in which we were pissed at one another. I started reading this no contact thing and decided it was time to try it, but before I did I had to corner her once more and shove 4 more questions at her. She didn't answer at first.. so I sent it a second time. This time I made myself ask in a nicer, lighter way. She answered 4 questions for me and I'm not sure if I wanted the answers I got or not. I told her if she answers them I would leave her alone for good and she can call when she wants to talk to our son Wesley. I have done so. At the end of today I will have completed 2 days of no tears and no contact. I deactivated my Facebook for a while because I would find myself on her profile hourly. I'm going back to work today as well. My problems now have changed. I can't will her back despite how much I love her and want her home with her family. I know this now. Problems are: 1)We have a child to talk about and arrange custody for which is going to make no contact hard. 2)I know the road to recovery is getting away from her and fixing my depression.. but my family's the only thing that makes me happy in life anymore. I have my son and I love him to death, but I'm still looking at what I don't have. I got a new truck coming, a new job possibility, I got my mom moving down to meet my son for the first time, and still not happy. How do I change this back to the way I used to be? How do I learn to love that in which I DO have? 3) She's pissed off at me because I will not let go of our son until we have papers signed so I know I'll get to seem him again no matter what. You'd think she would be in agreement, but man is she on fire. I only do not trust her because of her latest irrational decision making and lying to me about liking this one guy (a story in it's own). She's chosen all the worst routes to take right now and she's going to drag out son down with her. She's a great mother usually but is VERY stubborn in her ways and doesn't allow herself to hear what I have to say. So until she comes down to stay with her father like she said she was going to, I have him an she's pissed at me for not being able to see him. I've done everything I can to be a responsible parent and put him first and I don't have to do anything unless we go to a court and I'm ordered to. I'm doing all this for my son, her, and for the sake of making peace. She'll be closer (1 hour away instead of 6) and I'm not sure if I should break the NC (with custody talks aside) for this opportunity to show her I'm making progress or if I should just keep NC and risk not having that chance when/if she goes back to GA with her mom after the papers are signed. She also said that when she left she planned on giving me a shot (she's said this before she left and it was one of my 4 questions), but now she says she's not sure because a)I kept bugging her b)the custody issue has mad her very upset(and I understand why.. it's her son too). I'm not sure what to do here. So... cue the words of wisdom lol!

Again!
- Things to make the time pass by without her getting into my head.
- Things I could do to show her improvement.
- Things to do to make myself less depressed and appreciate my life again.
- How to get her to not be mad over being a responsible parent.
- Do I break NC when she comes down and I can/will see her.
- How do I act while speaking about custody to keep things happy and make them better?

Looking for those same forum users to come back and give this dude some help. Hoping to hear how they're doing too! Thanks everyone!

You need to speak to your lawyer about custody and how the financial side of things is to be handled.

You could thy legal mediation so that matters regarding your child will be handled in an adult manner.

Other than that I think you stick to NC as best as you can.

Have you seen your doctor about your depression?

Well.. we are in agreement 100% so far (unless she tries to change her mind in which case I have plenty of legal way in court and the incrimination on her families side to get them out keeps building up.. ).. She's supposed to be down this week to sign the custody papers and stay with her dad for however long she decides to..
Already have mediators, paralegals, lawyers, legal aide, and paternity action papers waiting just in case she decides to head the court route..
I'm trying to.. but I don't want to come off as unfriendly and an to her.. you know? I want us to work out again honestly, but I'm doing the best I can to let her miss me and to learn to be happy without her.
Yeah, when I was a kid I was on ADHD meds.. chose to get off them.. they put me on depression meds for a bit as well.. pulled away from those and did just fine.. I hate vices.. I don't even use my inhaler.. I'm quitting smoking.. I don't like things that I have to depend on that weaken me. I could go and get meds easily.. I just would like to do this naturally. I know it's do able because I used to do it. I plan to work out and get my body back by summer hopefully.. If I can't use it to flaunt in front of her I can use it to bring in others lol.
I want to be over her because.. honestly.. I looked at myself in the mirror.. in tears.. and just sat and stared for like 10-15 minutes trying to figure out if I would come back to me even. I said I wouldn't.. I know I need to change.. but I would like for there to be a way to get the message to her that I have.. but she lives 6 hours away.. She'll be around other people more then me. I'll never be able to just walk away from her because of our son. I feel trapped a bit.
I did stop myself from tearing up today.. It wasn't easy but I figured hell I might as well not cry while I do no contact and just let the days rack up. Also, I deleted her numbers yesterday! However, I did have to write it down in case of emergency with our son.. but I wrote it down and balled the paper up and threw it behind the couch.. lol.. I have no plans to go through that to retrieve it.. I do however still have access to her accounts and emails and I keep going back to them.. I keep seeing things that hurt me more or make me angry.. I feel like I just can't stop myself.. I already have it rough not getting on myspace and Facebook because of my tendency to wander to our pics or her profile.. I feel sick.. you know? I have spied on her this way.. I feel I was justified when I seen what she said about this one guy.. but really.. other then her not letting me know who's around my son (which I let her know).. I'm not justified at all. I keep getting is my fix of her and I'm not doing a whole lot with myself ever since she said I probably lost my chance with her.
I also didn't mention that she said she loves me before.. she just those "in-love" feelings. I don't know what to make of it. How does she go from caring and loving the week she got back to THIS in 5 days of being gone? I'm wondering if it's influence/manipulation on the part of this guy she's talking to (him and I hate each other.. and if it wasn't for custody I would have tore him down already.. he has issues so I'm taking the proper steps to ensure he never lays a finger on my son). This situation just keeps escalating and if it keeps down this path then yes we will eventually end up warring and hating one another. I don't want that. I cannot be her friend only because it'll hurt too much to see her with other guys and I've told her this.. but I do like having her in my life.. you know?

Also would like to get some perspective from:
Samesame, sdjosh, sandstorm99, talaniman, mckenzie134, etc.

Really wish I could get some help lol.. She just called.. I didn't answer so she still has no clue what I'm up to.. I'm sure she just wants to talk about our son.. but I'm not sure how I should go about it not being awkward and the NC thing.. I mean I can come up with things but they all sound kind of cold and obvious.

When it comes to your son the be polite and brief... but don't let the conversation take turns and to either your or her personal life. It complicates things when there are children involved, but polite and brief would be the best approach in my opinion.

As for keeping her out of your head, only cure for that is time. You CAN do things like taking proactive measures and keep yourself busy. Chill with friends, go out, do the things by yourself that YOU like to do. Don't worry about showing HER improvement, show yourself improvement. Trust me, it feels good when we are down and out to accomplish something. Anything from taking an extra course or two to learn about something you may be interested in, writing a book, I don't know you or your interests but things like that help. Channel some creative energy into something. Sounds hokey (Im a 22 year old guy so I know how weak some of this may sound) but in these situations they truly do help.

Thanks for the reply.. was wondering if I would have to wing it lol.. I haven't called her back yet.. not sure if I'm going to call or wait for her to call again, I only worry that she mistakes that as me trying to keep her child from her.. you know?
I feel you man.. I can goof off with my son.. it's what I've been doing, but, I don't know what else to do when I have a child to care for 24/7. I feel like I'm going insane and actually I sat down to think about some things (stayed up all night actually), and the biggest one was that I'm unhappy about this current job I have, but this is the only job I can work where I can bring him with me until I get my mom moved down so she can help watch him on my days when I have to work. So I again feel trapped like there's nothing I can even do about any of this. I have one friend in the area and I don't want my kid around during adult times. Makes it a bit rough, to say the least.. I'm 23 so your ideas sound about right. I have a little home gym set that I'm moving back to my place to get back into shape and clear my head. My head's so jumbled up right now that taking care of my son is all I have really done this past month.. I've barely worked at all.
I finally had the balls to remove her from my MSN as well.. so now it's all gone. When I talk to her, do I end the conversation and call, or does it even matter? Right now I also have this idea in my head that I'm not going to be able to meet anyone who's going to want to be with a 23 year old single father with a past felony.. lol.. I'm working on putting the felony behind me and expungement soon since it's an older charge. I'm just trying to find ways to improve my life for myself and my son while perhaps finding ways to change myself so that I might impress women as well. I love reading how most of the stories end well even though they didn't get back together, but as much as I love my son I think being a single father changes the likelihood of that happening for me.
Sorry for random rambling.. I'm still in the shock state of trying to figure out what happened, why, etc.. I'm analyzing everything..

Apolgoies are not required here bro haha we all have posts like this to our name. If you need proof that NC works, you can view my thread, and in some of the stickies at the top of the relationship forum there are links to other NC success stories.

It's normal to analyze everything, its still so fresh. We all do it. The only way to start not over analyzing things is keeping yourself busy. You have a son, and from what I have read in your posts you have been there for him and spending time with him and that is the best thing you can do. He is all that matters right now.

No, you don't want to give the impression that your denying her the opportunity to see her son, and this is where things get tricky. I'm no expert, but if I were you, I would answer her phone calls (give her the chance-who knows she may just be contacting you to see her son) and see if that is what its really about. Don't let the conversation go into any other topics. The only thing you two have in common at this point is the child, and that is all that needs to be discussed. Anything else leads to further confusion and heartbreak.

We all feel like we won't ever meet someone after we have been dumped, but its not true. (Again, see success stories). Right now, meeting new women is not so important. You have bigger fish to fry. Look after your son just like you have been doing. If you can, search for a new job. You said it makes you unhappy, it's time to correct that and start doing things that make you happy-only way to move past her. If not, than bring your mom down for the support, and stick it out until you do find something that makes you happier career wise or until something presents itself.
When it IS time to meet new girls, you don't advertise yourself as a 23 year old felon... we all have pasts and most of us are able to learn/move on from our mistakes. You get to know someone, and IF things get serious, you may bring up your past then if you wish, but this should be furthest from your mind and a couple of months down the line at least. You feel down on your luck, and its normal. You have the right idea though, keep finding ways to improve yourself, and your sons life, but don't do it for her or any other woman, do it for you guys.

Yeah, you're right, it is all about him. Is it bad of me to have selfish feelings time to time? Like, I just want some time to be alone for like a full weekend to get my head clean just for a few days. He looks so much like her, so it doesn't matter if I even take her stuff and pack it (which I did and told her we can arrange pick-up or drop-off), and this house is where we spent most of our time as a couple off and on. I just feel like I need to escape, but I have no where to go, you know? I can't leave state to see any family due to custody right now, and I have really one friend nearby who I work with but he works almost all day every day and Saturday's his only day to relax... sometimes not even that. Kind of want to be alone and I kind of don't, but other then the phone, I feel like I have no one to reach to in person.
It's been 2 full days now of not talking to her and no tears.. She called again, but him and I were napping lol. I don't want to call her really.. I don't want to talk to her PERIOD right now. I feel a blatant disregard for my feelings and how she trashed both my son and my lives in a matter of days without hesitation and in a seemingly angry way. I mean seriously, she LEFT ME! Why's she being so evil to me? I had enough of it by week 2 and I told her "Excuse me, no! You're not going to be like that with me when I've done nothing but be nice, kinda, and loving.. Sorry, but no! Then week 3 and 4 brought the anti-submissiveness out of me!! I finally told her that as far as custody she needs to grow up, put him first, stop ignoring what I'm saying, stop being manipulated by the idiots that are are her, talk rationally with me or not at all, and I told her I'm being nice and doing all the legal stuff while she's up there tanning etc and getting her mind off things and this is a favor to my son and her. I do NOT have to help her I can just file court papers and she can wait a month before she gets any sort of custody via a judge. I haven't played any of the cards I hold and I've made every attempt to try to work on us and custody while I feel she's verbally and emotionally spit in my face.
She did say something that ticked me off a little at the initial break up time. She said leave her be, let this be her mistake if it's a mistake. Seriously? She's going to ruin any future to get our family together by knowingly going head on, and out of her way, into mistakes. I told her this isn't a typical mistake and could even end up not fixable period and she's dragging us down with the ship. Trying to understand why she's in this "I don't care" mood.
I honestly did do a lot of things that I needed and wanted to do while she was gone with her coming back as motivation, and now, well, I feel like that motivation as left me so I've been doing bare minimum.. aside from getting my son out and about.
Not sure how I can keep my feelings back when we talk. I have this tendency to be honest about how I feel and the tendency to blurt out said honesty lol. It's a curse, really. I know to act like I've got other things to do and to get out of the convo asap, but I'm not sure where to draw the line between talking about Wesley and her using it as a trap down the line for casual conversations(him as the subject of course). I really have been reading about all these traps and tugs on the line to see if we come running then screwing guys over again by fading back out after the glimmer of hope they've given. Really is twisted.
Love the girl, and I'm afraid I may go running. Whether she's sincere or not, I'm afraid that I'll be screwed further as well. She could tell me right now that she wants to work on getting together again and I'd do it without her even earning my trust back at all. Stupid, I know!
Yeah, I man I HATE the radio right now. So many stupid songs, commercials, etc. that make her pop in your mind again. There was a commercial with her name, a caller with her first name and her middle name as the girl's last, and a Offspring song with her name in the title. lol.. I can't escape it I don't think.
I've been getting my mind off her by calling a lot of old friends(mostly women) that I had to leave behind due to jealousy on both our parts lol. She picked up on this on FaceBook before I deleted it and left a status saying something like, "I love how everyone gets pissed at me when I talk to a guy but my son's father can talk to other girls and hang out with them.. Someone answer that for me because I have no clue". Nor do I really, is she mad that people are being hypocritical, or is she just plain jealous?
Still also wondering about why she was talking to this one guy 5 days our of our relationship (never officially boyfriend and girlfriend because they were/are supposedly waiting for his divorce). I mean what does that say about her feelings, our feelings, our relationship? Why was she mad at me? Why did she not give me another shot first? Why is she not hearing me out? Why is she throwing away years of relationship and a family for NOTHING but possibilities? Why the 180 on her feelings and the way she is towards me? I don't quite understand most of this. I'm a logical guy(keeps me out of trouble these days lol) and none of this makes piss for sense, both logically, and illogically. It's like.. I don't know.. I'm tired of wondering these things and she only answered the 4 main questions before I promised to leave her alone per her request.
Lol.. Man she's gone completely crazy.. I almost feel wrong for having sex with her before.. lol.. She's lost her mind it seems.. so why is it I'm the one feeling insane while she's comfortable, relaxing, and happy?
I plan to get the next phone ring or just call her back tomorrow and tell her we didn't get home till late. I really do not want to do this. Remind me to get neutered before I enter any more relationships. It'd help if I could go on a date to get her out of my head, but that's probably not a good idea like you said. I just want to do as Sneeze, Sdjosh, etc. have done and just go out and enjoy life without rushing though.. I'd like to just have some fun and enjoy my time as well.
I'm currently reading your thread, the_original, and it appears yours is fresh too! I can't believe there's so many guys in the same boat. Almost like a little underground society I've come across here lol..

Man... she left a VoiceMail message the second call.. Should I delete it without hearing it since I plan to talk to her? I really DO NOT want to hear her voice for the lest amount of time possible. It hurts a lot.. specially this crappy tone I get from her now that says "you're not worth me day, I'm not excited to talk to you, and I'm angry with you".. I HATE THAT VOICE.
Day 6 without a cigarette.. sometimes I feel like I need one.. like when I have to talk to her, but oddly lately all of this has kept me so preoccupied and so forth that I lost a lot of the cravings, and I was back u to smoking a pack + a day when she left. I'm proud of myself, but I'm not sure the reason behind this and it has me wondering why I'm not craving it. Hopefully nothing's wrong and it's just mind over matter.

Nvm.. and sorry for the triple post.. I need to listen to see if it's about custody unfortunately.. thankfully I know it's only 0 seconds long.. I'll listen before I click post..
"I was wondering if you could call me.. I have some questions about Wesley.. alright.. bye.."
And my heart is already racing/pounding.. GRR I hate this feeling.. I guess I need to call her.. I'll again wait before I post. No call waiting I guess.. just gives a busy tone. Nvm went through this time.. no answer.. I love how it's already dragging out. Hate the fact I have to be an jerk about her not seeing him until she signs the papers, but I'm not risking losing my son over her erratic and irrational behavior. Unfortunately, this drives us further apart. NC until she calls back.. She knows I called she'll call again..

Delete before hearing it. If you listen, you will over-analyze her words. Not a fun idea.

Check out the NC related threads in my signature.

NC means ZERO contact. Zilch.

Too late.. it did make my heart race... but it was over custody issues.. I had to listen and I had to try to get a hold of her.. she didn't answer, but she'll know I called and she can get back to me. I'll keep it about our son and custody and that's it. Tell her I got to go do something or another.. lol..
You're right, the message did make me think, and feel bad for about 30 minutes or so.. so it's getting better then before. She said she had questions about our son and asked if I could get back to her. Made me wonder why she's clarifying that it's purely about him.. Hurts even, but she knows I knew it was all about him from her eon out. I'm the one who said I'd leave her alone after I forced her into answer those 4 questions about 3-4 days ago.. Told her I'll give her the space she asked for and that I just wanted those answers so I could move on. Sucks still that she didn't seem phased. We had a family together and spoke of marriage and more children before she left.. WTH happened that made her 180 THAT quick?

On a lighter note..
Was goofing off with my son and I took a little plastic ball of his and wrapped it in tape sticky side up.. LMAO it was hilarious.. he was getting frustrated but when I'd laugh he'd play it off and giggle back and smile.. He's a smart kid though.. he figured out how to stick it to the couch and let go lol..


Thanks for the replies you all.. I really thank you for taking your time to help me keep from insanity.. lol.. It seems like you all have a big family here..

Dude.. I'm really really really hating the fact I have to talk to her when I finally got to the being OK with NC place.. Man, she has every reason to break NC and can do so because of my love for my son.. Like my stomach feels like it's on fire.. and I can feel this.. odd feeling.. all up my spine.. I don't want to deal with this.. and short of losing my son I can do nothing.. I feel powerless even over my own self. I don't want to see her or talk to her right now because it'll reset all the things I went through for the past month.. I DO NOT WANT TO RE-LIVE TEARS, BEGGING, WRITING, COMMENTING, PHONE CALLS, ETC. I think I can relate this feeling to that of 'butterflies in your stomach' feelings from hell.. It's... wow.. I keep wondering when she's going to call now and what she has to say.. I want to see her number pop up on the phone.. I want her to tell me she wants to try to work things out when she comes back to FL for custody, but I feel stupid because I know better..
I realize that people here are busy with their own lives and answers millions of questions so I guess I'm going to use this place as a journal and sounding board of sorts. I need to get it out.. I'm tired of venting on everyone around me.. I want to be strong and show no weakness now.. I want to rebuild now. Time is helping, but in the mean time everything else has been place on the back burner while I sit here wasting away daily. I'm accomplishing nothing. I plan to work this whole week.. however, when I do things I start thinking and feelings weak and like crap again. I HATE this sort of feeling. I hate not having control over myself at least. I need a power boost of some sort.. Not sure what though. When I took my son fishing yesterday I was able to not think about her and so on.. Love fishing lol.. but there's not much around here. I have a vehicle coming and a kick @ss deal on it as well and I look forward to it greatly, but I'm not even taking steps to procure this deal which may fade out soon! I'm watching myself fall apart and feel as though there's nothing I can do. Like I'm on display and I'm watching myself through the glass doing something stupid and I can yell out and say "stop this crap.. get off yer butt and get your f'ing act together".. I really have this feeling of needing to be punched. Lol.. Odd.. I know..

Keep your conversations to a minimum. Nothing unnecessary. Like a business relationship.

If it's not custody related, then don't bother talking. The less contact the better.

Have you hired counsel? Have your lawyer talk for you as well, to help you minimize your contact.

Well we're trying to settle out of court through a paralegal or something along those lines so I have to talk to her one last time for a length of time to make sure we're in agreement on everything and I'll just have the papers made up and all she has to do is show up and sign. Her mom told me the other day(and her mom and I get along OK but for the most part do not like one another) that I should try to show her the change I spoke about when she gets down here rather then continually trying to tell her like I was doing and gave up on. Do I keep the NC.. I believe I asked this already but confirmation from multiple people may make it a strong feeling for me. Do I keep NC when she comes down to stay with her dad for a while (assuming she's stick to that plan) or do I make the best of this opportunity to get the family back together? Common sense and past dating experience tells me to leave it alone, but this isn't just some relationship, this is my family.. we have a child involved. I do not believe in staying together for the sake of the kids since this keeps things hostile at home, but I do believe that it's a reason to try to make things work. I'm not sure why that's not hit her.. I even mentioned those exact words. Who knows.. I need to get the hell out of the house though! I live in the middle of no where and no vehicle at the moment.. At the mercy of friends and only one is around ad he's unavailable.. I just need a good day/night, you know?

Another suggestion I have is to always have a third person present when you have a conversation with her. That way, it dissipates the feelings.

Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to do 100% NC, especially when you have a son involved.

Also, whenever you have to pick up or drop your son off, stay in the car so that you don't have to see her. Or have a third party help you do some pick up and drop offs.

Thanks Wish! These are all good ideas and I appreciate your help.
I wish I could do no contact.. This is still hurting pretty bad. I just had this weird vision/idea/thought in my head.. I remember how we were when we got together and how we threw feelings of love and desire to one another, and now I'm picturing her doing that with some other guy. This just brought back the crappiest feeling ever. I'm trying not to think about it, but those stupid kind of thoughts are screwing my head up badly. Like I visually see her in my head holding onto some guy with that look she used to give me while going in for a kiss etc etc.. It's ALL BAD.. I hate it.. I cannot control it though!
The pick up drop off thing will hopefully only hurt for a while and hopefully will turn the tables when the day comes that I can show I don't care anymore. Who knows.. I have hope one minute.. none the next..

Hope one minute, none the next. Damn I know that feeling... it does fade though. Slowly, very very slowly, but it does. She left me almost 3 months ago and today I moped around like a little baby, which I haven't done in weeks. You will have off days, and continue to have them for a long time. The trick is to just get through them... sucks. But you do it... I watched a ton of movies today, Swingers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, etc and all made me laugh and took my mind off the crappy things in life for the most part. (Also helps you realize people out there go through way worse). Just stick it out.

Don't let your mind wander to thoughts of her with another guy. Even if that's the case, that is so disrespectful to you guys as a family, and really it's a lot better you found this out now sooner rather than later. The trick is to take measures and do something to get your mind off her... watch a movie with your son. If he's asleep/entertained then do something YOU like. I know what its like to feel trapped... I don't have a vehicle either and live in a small town where all my friends live in the city 30 minutes away. The only thing you can do is distract your mind as much as possible.

I guess the main point is time. I know it sucks huge, and its probably not believable at this point, but it does work. Keep contact to a minimum (do this for yourself-getting back together and all your "what ifs" are irrelevant at this point) and just let things run their course. The more you talk to her, the more you hurt. The easier you make it for her, the harder for yourself.

I am sorry to hear about your custody situation though. Just try your hardest to get the fairest and most quick resolution possible I guess.

Thanks for the words of encouragement man. I hate this roller coaster thing. I've done some things to take my mind off it but somehow I have the ability to relate EVERYTHING to her. Lol.. sounds dumb man but even in these forums I saw KP.. her initials.. that alone made me feel down for a little.
Yeah, man.. we're definitely in the same boat with the exception of the custody thing. I live in the middle of no where too. Trying to convince friends who are all concerned with their own problems (understandable of course) and can't make it out. I talk on the phone to friends and cousins and stuff mostly but all I talk about is her. It's really sad.. even I know it.
Trying to let time slip by, just worried that I'm going to kill too much of it and get no where while I'm waiting for the day I don't feel like crap all day. Not sure how long this is supposed to take.. counting hours.. minutes even.
I'm trying to let the what-ifs out of my head but they're replaced by an endless line of them it seems. I do believe time will let me heal and I believe it will work, but man what the hell do I do in the mean time is what's killing me..

What's killing me is she said we had a chance before and still hasn't said that we don't have any chance.. even when asked I'm met at worst with an I don't know or a percentage (my way of having her make this logical and mean something). Why if she wants me to move on does she not just say "piss off"? She said she wants to be friends.. but I told her long ago that I'm not fond of the friends with ex thing until I feel comfortable again which takes years it seems for me and even then I stay clear to avoid any possible return of feelings. She too know how much I love her and care about her and yet she asks to be my friend? Like I said she tells me to move on and not to sit here and be hurt but won't tell me it's done for good? Why did her mom tell me to give it a try in person when she comes down? Her mom and I don't even get along lately.. Is this suppose to be like a *hint hint wink wink*? 'i haven't the slightest clue. This again is a what-if and false hope. I know better now but yet I still let these thoughts enter my mind. Seriously, I can't pay someone to punch the thoughts out of my head? Lol.. I still am not sure if I should break non-custody NC rules and try it in person or if I should keep her away. I know.. I sound like a broken record. I have hope for myself and feeling better.. but the minutes, hours, days, weeks go by so slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..
If I have a girl who's interested in me come around and my son is in her custody at the time is it OK to go for it? I know now's not the time to go out of my way to look for a relationship, but I don't know if this area should be avoided all together. I don't really see anything serious happening, but then again.. what do I know, aye? Lol
Think that I may work on a certification until I have the ability to get a family member down here to babysit so I can find a different job and still have my custody time. It'll give me something to do, a goal, and possibly a job at the end and I won't have to pledge a lot of time that I'm not even sure I have right now to do it.
Work sucks because it's outside and a very slow paced job working on a farm with nothing but the quiet surroundings around. All I do here is think about her. I bring a mp3/cd player sometimes but man every song I listen to suddenly has become some sappy love/past love song.. lol.. Specially country music.. That crap is killing me..
Trying to spend some of my free time planning a trip to take once the dust has settled.. Possibly out of the country.. Who knows.. I just feel like I need to get AWAY.. Not sure if it means I'm running away or not.. All I know is I want at LEAST a weekend of nothing but relaxing and fun to just get all this off my mind. Between her crap and custody and my own personal issues (work, ged, looking into a career, etc) my mind hasn't stopped once.. not even for 5 minutes in the past month.

Dancing to Carlos Santana's Supernatural CD with my son is a good time killer.. lol.. sounds gay.. but it works and make me laugh.. Anything to make me laugh works..

Lost my girl.. Going to see my kid for half his life until he's 18.. Losing hope again.. When it rains it pours.. I try to come here when I get thoughts or urges that I shouldn't be worrying myself with. I just have this feeling like I need to ask her when she's here visiting about trying again or ask her "why not try? what do you have to lose?" and I know she'll respond "what do I have to gain?".. I just want to say that she'll find out.. that we love one another that we were perfect and that I don't want to argue and fight anymore either and I realized that I took them for granted and worried about everything else instead of spending time with them. That we can be the way we used to be because now I know how to solve the problem.
Seriously, I think I'd have a 100% chance at making it work long term had I figured it out sooner or she came home to see I was for real..
Honestly.. I'm an idiot.. but.. and here's a "what if".. What if it worked?
See I'm ready to move on now because I know I've tried everything and now that her geographic location will have changed I feel like there's more to try.. I'm really just confusing myself and messing with my own head. I planted seeds of hope and now.. I'm sorting them trying to figure out which I'm supposed to do. INPUTS PLEASE!. If you got to friend get them in here to vote lol.. I really think she needs to make it up to me as well some how for treating me like dirt knowing I was hurting and upset already, but she's on the stubborn side of things lol..

Do I stay NC when she comes down for a little to work out custody with me, or try to show her the changes in which I've made?

This is what's bothering me horribly.. I think she's still being manipulated by this guy she likes/liked.. I know her family doesn't like me and I know they're not good news for her. I have thought for the past month that she should come to FL and to stay at her dad's and maybe it'll allow her to think clearly again, you know? Is this possible or really dumb?

You stick to NC as best you can-only communicate re custody etc.

I wish's advice,having a third party present is sound.

You are going around in circles with your heart trying to outwit your brain-the what ifs and the maybes-normal as they are at this stage-is you not wanting to let go of false hope.

All this is a process of the various stages of grief and it will take time.

Take care of yourself,eat,sleep and keep busy.

You will get through this,we all do.

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Originally Posted by FloridaFisher

Lost my girl.. Gonna see my kid for half his life until he's 18.. Losing hope again.. When it rains it pours.. I try to come here when I get thoughts or urges that I shouldn't be worrying myself with. I just have this feeling like I need to ask her when she's here visiting about trying again or ask her "why not try? what do you have to lose?" and I know she'll respond "what do I have to gain?".. I just want to say that she'll find out.. that we love one another that we were perfect and that I don't want to argue and fight anymore either and I realized that I took them for granted and worried about everything else instead of spending time with them. That we can be the way we used to be because now I know how to solve the problem.
Seriously, I think I'd have a 100% chance at making it work long term had I figured it out sooner or she came home to see I was for real..
Honestly.. I'm an idiot.. but.. and here's a "what if".. What if it worked?
See I'm ready to move on now because I know I've tried everything and now that her geographic location will have changed I feel like there's more to try.. I'm really just confusing myself and messing with my own head. I planted seeds of hope and now.. I'm sorting them trying to figure out which I'm supposed to do. INPUTS PLEASE!.. If you gotta friend get em in here to vote lol.. I really think she needs to make it up to me as well some how for treating me like dirt knowing I was hurting and upset already, but she's on the stubborn side of things lol..

Do I stay NC when she comes down for a little to work out custody with me, or try to show her the changes in which I've made?

This is what's bothering me horribly.. I think she's still being manipulated by this guy she likes/liked.. I know her family doesn't like me and I know they're not good news for her. I have thought for the past month that she should come to FL and to stay at her dad's and maybe it'll allow her to think clearly again, ya know? Is this possible or really dumb?

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Honestly man, you stay NC. If she WANTS to know about any changes you have made, she will make it clear. Anything other conversation that isn't about the child will just result in you over analyzing everything she says which is going to keep you in the frame of mind you have right now. The goal is to get past this initial first hump, and start looking back at the situation with a logical, clear mind as opposed to a broken heart.

In the mean time, set up getting a certification, do little things. If you honestly are stuck and have nothing to do, move your furniture around and re organize your place. Change everything in to your own now, because it is.

I feel you on the working alone thing, before I started this new job I worked nightshift by myself in a small little store that played love songs all night as well-right after my ex left to go home each night. It is a crappy feeling, best thing to do is listen to something else that will make you laugh. Old adam sandler cds or denis leary... rap always cheers me up when I put it on-just a few suggestions. I got to head to work man, but I hope today's a little bit easier for you.

Nice rant, you should feel better that you wrote all that crap down. Yeah I read the whole dam thing and have to go back and do a lot of editing but for you MR> your course of action should be very clear.

STOP HOLDING YOUR OWN KID HOSTAGE! That's the first thing you do. Frankly I am appalled at the fact you would even deprive him of his mother for so long to get what you want.

I know, females have done the same thing for a long time to guys and it was wrong then, and its very wrong NOW.

You want to change, make sure he gets time with his mom, and the rest can be worked on. Hey you have lawyers and paralegals and all that crap to work to your benefit, so there is no need to use your son as a pawn, caught between, the two of you. That disgusts me frankly, but that's how I feel about ANYONE going through a messy emotional break up, or divorce, and there are children involved.

Right now, that's the only change you need. No BS excuses, as it's the right thing to do. You two parents better get this together if nothing else, for the best interest of the child, and drop the whole idea of being a family together, and handle your business much better. That's the change you need, whether she wants to see it, or not.

And welcome to the forum, just hope you listen, and learn.

Thanks, original! I'll try to get a few comedy cds to keep myself laughing during those slow dull moments at work. I do need to reorganize the house lol.. Specially since half of it's missing now.. looks terrible..
Yeah bruh.. I need to pass this stage already. It's been a MONTH! I can't believe how much I'm clinging to this hope, especially when she doesn't even make attempts to talk to me about anything or even give me complete answers. I know better and I know it is a tug-of-war game. I've always been the loving type and I've always been the caring type as well. My heart tends to rule all sometimes. Something I need to fix for future relations anyhow. Maybe this will be that thing that snaps me into permanent logic rather then the ups and downs I go through.
Man, I feel for you having to see her right BEFORE you work a whole shift like that. That sucks!
Thanks! I hope yours gets easier as well!

Sorry for the editing issues, Tal lol.. Brain seems to be on vacation. I'll try my best to do better, and yes I do feel better when I get it out. Sorry you all had to read all of that.
I'm not holding my son hostage to get back at her. I put my son first and she's thinking 100% selfishly. She's hanging around the guy that first introduced her to pot that's twice her age(literally), that does nothing but talk trash about me and messes with her head. Her mother is a friend to her.. nothing more. She's up and taken her whole family with her before leaving my ex to fend for herself. THIS is why I want her to leave all that, because I really do want her to succeed and it won't happen there and I for sure do not want my son around that sort of trash. I've even cut my own friends and family out of his life to ensure he's not sucked into that lifestyle. Also, I had caught her in multiple lies lately (which under any of circumstances would not be my business) and she's not showing the best judgement lately and shows how empty headed and irrational she's being. Someone I've never met in my LIFE had told her a couple weeks ago that she sent me plane tickets so I can run off with him and she'll never see him again. She believed it! She's clearly not all there right now. I've been in the same home, working the same job, and I've had the same phone number. She flipped on me because this person I've never met (and she hates this lady as well) said some random crap to stir up drama. So, I'm afraid if I do not get papers signed before she takes him that she may get spooked and do the same to me for different, stupid reasons. I want more then anything for both his parents to be in his life as much as possible! She's a great mother when she puts him first and isn't being selfish. She could have been down weeks ago to sign the papers and help arrange custody with me over the phone or in person, but instead she decided to tell people it was BS and I was trying to keep her kid from her etc. I personally do not see the difference in her coming to get him and coming to get him with a simple 10 second signature to ensure her custody as well. There are more things that lead to my decision then this, but I'll stop boring you all. Sorry, Tal, I love your advice and you're one of my favorites to read, but I have to say I disagree with you on the custody issue. Everything she's done has not read stability or rational, and when it comes to our son it's unacceptable. She see's nothing wrong with having dates around him.. in and out of his life. As if he's not screwed enough as is. Like I said, she's a great mom usually, but right now I'm not sure what her problem is. This could have been dealt with weeks ago and she's made no effort. You know, she hasn't even called to talk to him on the phone for almost a week now. That ticks me off pretty well. When I spend all my time speaking to lawyers, paralegals, legal aide, the court system, vital statistics, reading the laws of GA & FL & the interstate custody laws while she's up there doing nothing but flirting around, hanging up on me when I call to talk custody, brick-walls me when we finally get somewhere, or has me calling her back throughout the week so she can go tan, talk on msn, go to the store, etc. That's ridiculous. She needs to snap out of it.. seriously. I see custody and our relationship as two different situations. I've handled WAY more then my end, and honestly, I'm doing her favors now while she spits in my face. I'm the only one working to solve any of this. I don't mean to go off on it (even though I already have), but I hate the fact that everyone we know and everyone who hears I have him etc. thinks I'm the bad guy and I'm a horrible person and father. That hurts when I've dedicated my life to those two. I'm again going to say that I'll shut up because I'm on day 3 of NC and day 3 of not breaking down into tears.
Thanks for the welcome, Tal, and I do plan to listen and I've already learned a lot, but I am in a different situation then most of the posts being that I cannot go through with full NC so I've got to make most of this up as I go along and learn to deal with seeing her and talking to her. She already has a means to initiate contact.

So what are you going to do when a judge gives her visitations?

That's the thing.. I have no problem with her having half custody, but I do have cards to play in court to ensure that if I don't want her family around them I'll get it no matter what. I have that all taken care of. I want her to see him. I just want to ensure she doesn't get talked into or spooked into taking him from me completely. I have no need or want to keep her away from her own child. I would gladly sign any paper granting 50/50 custody and share expenses to get him to and from even though she's being stupid and purposely living as far away as she possibly can. She has multiple places to live with friends, family, etc down here. She chooses to put her dating, her mom, her life before him. Seriously, interstate custody usually only grants month to month custody. Who would choose to not see their child for a month at a time when they could move closer and see them bi-weekly and save thousands a year in traveling and could share holidays. She's not thinking of him first or logically is the main problem right now, and she's actually mad at ME! I've gone out of my way to help the situation and keep it from escalating and to re-unite the two while she's out getting a tan and talking to guys and talking trash about me. I really don't have to do anything like this. I could put a restraining order on her to keep him from leaving the state and make her wait until a hearing is available, but I'm not.. I wish she would see who the good guy is and who's screwing who over and that she's the aggressor.. not me. I just can't believe who/what she's choosing over her family or even just her son. It really ticks me off and hurts at the same time. I could be a total a-hole about everything and I could probably get full custody and with her only having visitation as of right now, but I wouldn't do that to either of them. I haven't done anything incorrect as far as custody is concerned. I've asked lawyers, mediators, paralegals, my friends and family, even her father, who's only supplying her with a lawyer (if this does end up in court that is) because she's his daughter, and they all agree I'm doing what I can and everything I've done is 100%.
I'm fighting two battles here and it sucks because I'm going to lose one of them every which way I go. Custody only drives us further apart the way she's handling it.

I want to stop this relapsing so bad... every time I get her off my mind I think about something else to say or try, but I know they never work.
I won't do it.. but I need it out..
I want to tell her that I made a stupid mistake.. that we both love our son and we loved each other.. and we had a great time.. and that we should try again without the fighting over stupid things(mainly my fault)..
There.. said it.. man.. I know how great we were.. she admits it.. like she fears trying again.. like she holds her real feelings back.. I feel like she's waiting for something.. like she wants me to do or say something.. or something's missing.
I could live with being apart to get the stressful things out of our lives. That's fine even though I'd still miss her! It's the seeing other people and possibly for good thing I don't understand. I'm still just pretty well lost in all of this I suppose.. Maybe I need a small journal or something..
I'll try to refrain from talking anything but custody with her.. and from typing all this garbage in here. I really have no one to turn to right now.. I feel like I need to be heard out I suppose. It's sad, I know.
I also keep thinking back to all the fights and what I could have done differently, but I'm lying to her and myself when I say I've changed. My actions clearly show differently. I have an open mind and heart to change but lack the motivation without her. Before she ended it for good I accomplished A LOT in 3 weeks, and now, a month later.. nothing.. All talk. I don't like the feeling of needing her though.

Any personal changes you make you should be making for yourself,not for her.

You are very much on the rollercoaster and I suggest you get some outside interest you can focus on.

Starting a journal would be a good thing.

And it makes interesting reading a couple of months down the road.

Hard @ outside interest.. I live here.. work here.. have no vehicle yet.. in the middle of no where.. some days I don't even make it outside. I really do want out.. I love taking him fishing and to parks and stuff.. Working on this car.. I made a journal and a calendar.. I'll be doing a lot better in a week from today I hope.. I'll try to keep this journal to put the feelings and leave the posts here for updates and advice.. The calendar's to mark off the days past and the no contact days.. So far I'm up to 4 counting today.. I'm not counting the calls or messages about custody which are "business only".. I've not broke completely down in 4 days as well.. I stop myself from it now.. I hope this rollercoaster is gone soon.. This is ridiculous lol.. Feel like I'm pregnant with all these out of control random emotions. I'm working on handling these things better now. I hope to eliminate the journal within a month.. the calendar in 90 days..
Scared of the day I have to explain to my son why his mother and father aren't together.. Why she didn't even give it a try in his name..
Thanks to all!

Tough situation for sure and a good reason to be in an emotional upheaval. I don't question your heart at all. Its in the right place, but I will question your open mind, as you have escalated this battle higher than it should really go.

Look I am a big believer that when couples split, and they can't work together to resolve their issues, then there has to be an impartial third party to help them. It's a long drawn out process that brings a lot of frustrations, but at the conclusion, after everything is laid out on the table, a decision is reached, and guidelines are set.

You think you will control the way your ex influences, and raises your child? Nope, not going to happen. You have to have full custody, and she visitations for that, heck, she may have to pay child support. But the whole point is that its time to get this process started, and get through it. Just my opinion.

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Scared of the day I have to explain to my son why his mother and father aren't together.. Why she didn't even give it a try in his name..

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You better not drag him down with sordid details where its her fault. That's not true. She just had a change of heart regarding YOU, not him. And for sure he will be exposed to her side of this failed relationship, but it's a big mistake to blame one another when it was both of you. You just didn't click. He can understand that better, and doesn't need the negative, self serving opinion, that's obviously not shared by her.

When both parents love their child, it makes little difference why you're not together, they will adjust to it better than adults do, so stop the woe is me and my poor son, its all her fault. Its very seldom one persons fault when a relationship fails.

I am getting a long winded as you, but you have a right to vent, so don't let me stop you, as I do feel for your situation and know how being in limbo sucks big time.

Just be patient. When will your mom be there to help?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FloridaFisher

Hard @ outside interest.. I live here.. work here.. have no vehicle yet.. in the middle of no where.. some days I don't even make it outside. I really do want out.. I love taking him fishing and to parks and stuff.. Working on this car.. I made a journal and a calendar.. I'll be doing a lot better in a week from today I hope.. I'll try to keep this journal to put the feelings and leave the posts here for updates and advice.. The calendar's to mark off the days past and the no contact days.. So far I'm up to 4 counting today.. I'm not counting the calls or messages about custody which are "business only".. I've not broke completely down in 4 days as well.. I stop myself from it now.. I hope this rollercoaster is gone soon.. This is ridiculous lol.. Feel like I'm preggo with all these out of control random emotions. I'm working on handling these things better now. I hope to eliminate the journal within a month.. the calendar in 90 days..
Scared of the day I have to explain to my son why his mother and father aren't together.. Why she didn't even give it a try in his name..
Thanks to all!

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Good call on starting a journal, writing out how you feel definitely helps. Just take it 1 day at a time man, trust me I know the feeling of being trapped. Im still trapped lol. Just keep working, hanging out with your son, if you can, get ahold of this movie called Swingers. I'm telling you, every guy going through a break up should have to see this movie.

Congrats on day 4! The first week is usually the toughest man so your pain makes perfect sense. But stay strong and stick to it. If she calles regarding your child, make sure the conversation is quick/polite/brief and that you don't discuss anything else.


The journal I think is a great idea though, eventually you run out of things to say, and wonder why you are wasting your time on someone who clearly just isn't worth the time.

Slkjalkhbasklhlaksjgvopasjblk'sjbbak;ldxhfb

All of that replaces multiple cuss words at myself.
I broke it(NC).. and I even broke down on her..
I had to ask another question and then draw it out for about an hour +..
She has feelings and I can tell.. and I can tell by her tone (I'm extremely perceptive to body language and tone etc) that she's mad even though she says she's not. She says she lost all interest in wanting to be with me yet she brings up a comment that I left another friend who is a girl.. where I said she was hot.. Sure, she's good looking, but I'm just throwing my feelings overboard in every way possible. She has to care when she mentions that.. does she not? I'm more ticked off at the fact she's saying "if we happen to get back then it happens" yet she's doing everything she can to push away. She said she's growing apart from me. I explained that everyone grows apart with time. I told her I seen how she was and acted up until the day she left.. I told her I didn't just see love for me, but that she still was in-love. She didn't deny it once. I asked her the problems she had with us then and why not try now.. everything she said was the things I did stupidly that messed everything up. So no, Tal, you're right, it took two. I admit my part and I told her I can change it. I told her the me that she begged to have back before is back! I'm such a dong, dude. She pretty much crapped on my feelings.. again.. and said we'll continue our conversation tonight after I get off work. I'm right back to hope.. to crappy feelings and FRICK!(I hope you don't have to edit that lol).. She said she felt more for me then anyone else EVER and that it was the greatest feeling EVER when we were in-love and together.. Yet when I ask her if she wants it back she says no? She obviously doesn't mind hurting my feelings, so I believe almost everything she says. I do know she's lying to herself because she contradicts herself every other sentence and phone call and message. I mean you tell a girl that everything she asked for she has.. You tell her that you don't want to have to try.. you just want to put two people who love each other(she says she loves me but isn't in-love.. pfft) together to see if they click still.. You tell her how you agree with the time apart(I do), but that you still miss her and how you slept on the couch the past month because the bed was empty without her.. and she still says she has to think about it and she'll talk later and let me know later and she doesn't want it right now. I asked her straight up if I could take her out.. just to hangout and have fun.. a date pretty much.. no strings attached.. she says she's not sure that right now it's a no but that she'll think about it.
I hope once this custody thing is settled (hopefully within the next week or week and a half) that we can spend a little time together without having bad thoughts of one another. I know this girl loves me you.. I know I messed up and I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what until lately. I swear on my sons life that girl has feelings for me.. Why the heck is she denying them? There's no reason to fight them.. She said she didn't want to try anymore. OK? Why not? "Because I just don't right now.. if it happens it happens".. OMG, MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CRAZY! Dude she says she doesn't mind if I move on.. she wants me happy, but she won't just cut any hope left period.. whether it be hope for now (none currently shown) or hope for the future.. Why is it a week prior she made her step dad cry because she was crying because she missed me on her vacation.. then all the sudden no feelings? WHAT is missing here??
DUDE.. I mean seriously.. I am calling out every woman who reads this.. What in the heck it is that you really want from a guy? Clearly it's not what you ask for because when you get it you run away! What is this top secret ingredient we're missing?
You women make men rack their brains with this stuff.. You say you don't want the other to hurt and you want to move on, then you drop these stupid little packages of hope when all it takes is the words "no, not now, not ever, sorry".. It hurts, but it's DONE.. Band-Aids, ladies.. Band-Aides.. Rip the thing off.. quit tugging on my leg hairs.. When I break up with a girl it's because I've made a definite decision and I make her aware of that. They know it's pointless to try or think of it.
I love you women.. you keep me on my toes.. you keep life interesting.. and you make us buy tampons and pads to humiliate us to prove our love for you.. I mean I love that kind of crazy stuff even when I hate it.. BUT THIS..? This is a completely different type of insanity.

Trying to solve the custody, Tal.. I really am I think it's almost nearing an end.. She's going to be down for a couple weeks here soon she says. FINALLY!
I'll look for that movie, Original.. lol.. As for your rap songs.. T.I. - Motivation is a good one..
Yeah, Tal.. my heart is in it every bit.. I told her today, stupidly, that my heart is in it.. that my everything is in it.. That I really can't see myself moving on without at least trying a date out to see if we can click and light that spark once more. I told this girl forever and always.. and that I would die for her.. and I meant it.. If she needed my heart, I'd be dead minutes after learning so. I literally gave her EVERYTHING. I would sign my soul away for eternity to have my family back in this life time. They're my happiness and when they're gone they're my only sadness.. The only thing that brings this man to tears and I say it openly and proudly for this occasion.
After tonight conversation I'll return to NC as it would be pointless to continue otherwise. Yes, woe it me.. and I'm fine with that when it comes to her.
I'm in tears at the thought of my son being in a broken home.. I had to live that life and I know how it feels. I wanted him to have every advantage in life and already he's losing. That hurts. That makes me feel like a failed father. I look at him and all I see is pontential and greatness and my life.. and what do I give to him? A broken home. I wish I learned to be a better father and boyfriend long ago. I sit and wonder about all I've missed during my selfish times. I think of all the good times I'm going to miss when he's gone every other month.. This is my little buddy, guys.. my best friend.. He may not do much right now.. but I love watching mickey mouse and Toy Story with him.. and watching him learn to do anything.. I'm losing both of them and that hurts more then anything I've ever felt. I failed them both.. I can't even change that.. I can't make it up.. I can't say sorry and it's all better or "I'll try harder".. I just have that crawl in a hole and die feeling about this part of it.. I love them more then words can speak. He's my SON.. and she'll always be The One.. I have to live life knowing I've already lost the prize and that life holds no greater future then my past.. woe IS me.. I literally hate myself for not fixing this sooner.. we would have worked out perfectly had I done so..

Tal, please explain more about this "third party".. you mean a lawyer and such? I got her to agree on everything.. so it's just a signature away.. She sounded down when I said 50/50.. but I told her to make up for this time that I'll let the first custody of hers be 4-5 weeks.. I think they both deserve it.. It'll also give me time to clear my head completely for a while.. I hate him seeing me like this.. I will NOT raise a weak son. He's my little Spartan.

LOL, paragraphs my man, USE PARAGRAPHS!!

Most of your distress is caused by your own coping skills concerning YOUR feelings.

YOUR

Emotional reactions, to her actions and words.

To your situation

To the decisions you make

The all come down to how YOU cope with yourself!

Your emotional over this, (rightfully so) but I have to say, your driving yourself nuts trying to get what YOU want, from someone who doesn't WANT to give it to you.

Acceptance, gives you closure and peace, and then your logic will return. Then you can do what you have to for a reasonable resolution.

Instead of crying in her soup, get your LEGAL business handled, so you will have the guidelines to move forward.

That's what this relationship doesn't have, guidelines, and boundaries of good behavior, through honest communications.

You do have a lot of emotional drama, and two stubborn people, who think they are so right, that conflict is the results, and no compromise can be reached.

That's not love. No matter what you think. From either of you. Strange to me that you think it is.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FloridaFisher

Trying to solve the custody, Tal.. I really am I think it's almost nearing an end.. She's gonna be down for a couple weeks here soon she says. FINALLY!
I'll look for that movie, Original.. lol.. As for your rap songs.. T.I. - Motivation is a good one..
Yeah, Tal.. my heart is in it every bit.. I told her today, stupidly, that my heart is in it.. that my everything is in it.. That I really can't see myself moving on without at least trying a date out to see if we can click and light that spark once more. I told this girl forever and always.. and that I would die for her.. and I meant it.. If she needed my heart, I'd be dead minutes after learning so. I literally gave her EVERYTHING. I would sign my soul away for eternity to have my family back in this life time. They're my happiness and when they're gone they're my only sadness.. The only thing that brings this man to tears and I say it openly and proudly for this occasion.
After tonight conversation I'll return to NC as it would be pointless to continue otherwise. Yes, woe it me.. and I'm fine with that when it comes to her.
I'm in tears at the thought of my son being in a broken home.. I had to live that life and I know how it feels. I wanted him to have every advantage in life and already he's losing. That hurts. That makes me feel like a failed father. I look at him and all I see is pontential and greatness and my life.. and what do I give to him? A broken home. I wish I learned to be a better father and boyfriend long ago. I sit and wonder about all I've missed during my selfish times. I think of all the good times I'm going to miss when he's gone every other month.. This is my little buddy, guys.. my best friend.. He may not do much right now.. but I love watching mickey mouse and Toy Story with him.. and watching him learn to do anything.. I'm losing both of them and that hurts more then anything I've ever felt. I failed them both.. I can't even change that.. I can't make it up.. I can't say sorry and it's all better or "I'll try harder".. I just have that crawl in a hole and die feeling about this part of it.. I love them more then words can speak. He's my SON.. and she'll always be The One.. I have to live life knowing I've already lost the prize and that life holds no greater future then my past.. woe IS me.. I literally hate myself for not fixing this sooner.. we would have worked out perfectly had I done so..

Tal, please explain more about this "third party".. you mean a lawyer and such? I got her to agree on everything.. so it's just a signature away.. She sounded down when I said 50/50.. but I told her to make up for this time that I'll let the first custody of hers be 4-5 weeks.. I think they both deserve it.. It'll also give me time to clear my head completely for a while.. I hate him seeing me like this.. I will NOT raise a weak son. He's my little Spartan.

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Haha yeaa T.I. is good... im serious about finding that movie though... literally saved my life. Plus it keeps you laughing all the way through.

So you broke NC... and you felt worse, and more confused than you did before. You are now officially a member of AMHD relationship forums haha. We have all made that mistake man, the trick is to learn from it. You made your bold attempt, and all she did was beat around the bush and confuse you more. That helps in realization that NC is for YOUR own benefit and nothing else. While you can never truly go NC, you can keep conversations to a bare minimum and only about your son and after a lot of time even that sting will go away.

You can't sit there and rack your brain over losing "the one". Bro, I have lost "the one" twice in my life lol. Two different girls who I was convinced at one point in time were going to spend the rest of their lives with me. But, there are billions of women in this world man, and as each day passes you get closer to meeting some lucky woman who won't tug on your heartstrings and who WILL want to stick around and work things out. Life holds so much better things in your future... you just don't see it right now, still thinking with the damn heart. Just keeping venting and in the meantime work on correcting the mistakes-dont break NC... and when you two are speaking keep it strictly business. It's hard, but do it for yourself. You know what she's going to say now right? So don't make this harder on yourself than it already is. Take it easy at work man.

She's not with anyone and claims to have no plans to do so, but she's actually serious about trading me n for a 34 year old guy she's known most her life because it's her mother's boyfriends brother. Yes, ladies and gentleman, if her mother marries her boyfriend, this guy will be her legal UNCLE. What does that say about her A, and B what's it say about me?

I'd like to close the book tonight on it all, even though I don't don't want to at heart, but I don't know how much more rejection I can put MYSELF through. Yes, Tal, you're right I'm doing it myself. I hate admitting that on so many levels.

Once more.. Why does she keep asking about comments from myspace and Facebook? Why does she keep yelling over my 'get out of the house' plans from old friends who are girls if she doesn't care and isn't jealous?

It trips me out that had I not yelled that last time and came to this realization of my behavior while we were together that she'd be here, yet now she's not willing to give it a go? F dude.. seriously.. what.. the. F.. Where's there any logic in her decision to not only not try but to push away from the idea while simultaneously spouting "if it happens then it happens!" NO! How is it ever going to "happen" as she claims if she forces her thoughts of me out of her head and rejects any sort of hang out and get together. She has this fairy tale idea that we're going to magically "happen" whilst living 6 hours apart.

Original, I'll be sure to have that movie within a day or two. Sounds good to me lol. Thanks @ becoming an official AMHD NC breaker. I'm both proud and disgusted (with myself) to be presented with this honor.

I've dated a LOT prior to her. She knows lol.. she threw out all the phone numbers I had gotten that week alone when we moved in together and made it all official. I've never once loved another girl or even said it. I've never once had these feelings of being happy with the thought of marriage and children with any other woman. I know the difference between the real deal and a delusion, guys. She had every quality I loved and I loved her more for having some qualities I didn't like. She felt the same about me until I messed it up.

Today is shot, I'll continue NC with a fresh day after tonight's conversation. Who knows, after tonight I may end up hating us both! Yes, tonight I idiotically shall take another bullet.. It's been pre-arranged.

I'm not sure I follow you, Tal on your relationship thing. How do I put guidelines and such on a relationship that we all can see isn't clearly there?

Look, I'm lying when I say I want over her, I'm lying when I say I'm OK with any of this, and I would give a random body part(no no no not that one) to be back with her because that feeling we shared was the best feelings we've both ever experienced. I want her, I love her, and I'm not a psycho, she's clearly LYING to me and to herself. It's so far beyond obvious that I feel like paying some giant chick to slap her around a little and ask her why. She was RING shopping and dropping hints of marriage to me all by HERSELF weeks before she left! Am I going crazy here?? I feel like I need to be in an asylum, but I know better.

DUDE! AHH!

No one who's lost feelings a year ago stays that long, does what she did, tries that hard to work on things, says what she said, asks to have a little girl, and then wants you to propose! Seriously. Why? What the FLIP? Jesus Christ, I mean why would she force herself out of feelings? I understand being confused.. obviously lol, but this is beyond stupid.

Her mother and I, we hate each other, we talk crap about each other, we get along during fun times, but we have a completely different idea on everything. Her mom is like only person she really talks to and they live together. Why is her mom saying I deserve another chance? Why did she say for me to try when she comes down for a couple weeks for custody?

I asked the ex about trying that and she said she's angry right now (about custody only), but anger IS still anger, and that she'll think about us going out to spend some one on one time together! I'll break NC left and right for that go if she agrees. Sorry, guys, but that opportunity is worth it. If she says no then I do not stand a chance anyhow and I know this.

Her msn status changed after we spoke. Yes I re-added her because I needed to know when she was jerking me around when I would call with no answer for custody arrangements. But she doesn't know I can read this one.. I'm not even sure she knows I know it exists. It reads "A fake smile so they can't see that I'm crying inside living each day hopping it's my last". Word for word.. even the typo lol. What does it mean? She's not doing it for me because she doesn't know I can see it. Do I ask her tonight about what it means when she calls?

Quote:

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How do I put guidelines and such on a relationship that we all can see isn't clearly there?

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Set the guidelines on yourself first. Define your own good behavior and stick to it, no matter what she does, or what button she can push. Different from guys who can smack each other around, females are more subtle in the way they fight. Their weapons are making you feel things, as opposed to fists.

As you see, they are quite good at it. I think you push back with deeds, and actions, and not words, or feelings. You lose if you do.

I kind of get what you're saying.. I'm not sure how to guideline myself though. What kind of action or deed would this be? The actual making of guidelines?
Please, an example? Sorry, my brains far too gone right this moment to think.

What do you make of her MSN thing? I know I'm over analyzing, but doesn't it clearly show you the same it shows me? She says she has no feelings of us yet cries inside when we hang up?

I guess feelings and words aren't helping, even though I feel as though I'm getting somewhere when I push her like that. I need a plan of action.. I love plans.. I have no bearing.. I feel like I need to act or do something. I do not like sitting and letting everything just happen. I feel that if someone like her walks out of your life you should take charge and gather information as to why and use it in a plan of strategy to show her you really meant what you're saying. Proof so to speak. I know it sounds corny, but it's how I operate.

I do know these things:
- I have to get past this defense of her. I'm guessing by lowering it gently without her being aware. However, I need to stay aware of the friend zone thing.
- Show her the truth! We both love the same things and want the same things.
- Show her the changes that I've spoken of so that she knows everything she ever asked for from our relationship is here.
- Separate her from the people talking trash in GA.

Only problem.. How? I mean it's got to be do-able. I don't know as much as most of you on women's habits, but I'm doing my best to learn.

How do I show action and deeds when she's living so far away and I'll see her once for 5 minutes every 3 weeks? I mean.. am I supposed to just show up up there and take her on a date and surprise her? I'm working on subtle dates when she comes to FL. Hopefully I'll have my vehicle by then and I can take us out as a family and with alone time.. Something which we never had as a couple ever.

Bouncing this NC and this want to not let go of someone and something so great and I need to figure out which one is the better bet to follow through with. Original says NC as does Wish, but knowing what I've said.. does it make a difference or no?