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my boyfriend, his son and my daughter all moved in together. I've been able 2 c 1st hand how his x treats there son when she comes around. Its horrible, she calls him gay, a faggit and also talks bad about my child. My boyfriend is aware of the situation and tells me she is crazy and to not let her bother me. When the son comes back from his 2 night stay at moms he is an ANIMAL! Very fresh to me, my daughter and his father. This messes up my house. He isn't going to say anything, should I?
He needs to go to court and get a restraining order and/or a change in custody to supervised visitation. That is calssified as abuse what's going on and if he is allowing it them maybe he doesn't need the child in his life either. As parents its up to us to do what we can to protect our children. He needs to do something more then talk. He needs to change it for his sons sake to supervised and have her take parenting classes under court order.
I agree with you califdad..! Thanks
me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. Him and his son moved into my house with me and my daughter about 1 year ago this June. Everything is going GREAT, we are like this little "blended" family, and I play this "role" every day as wife/mom. I love him and his son very much and wondering why I haven't gotten a proposal yet? We have talked about it and he said that "the time isnt right", he was married and his x-wife of 5 years ( was with her for 15 years) left him and there son on his b-day in the parking lot of outback steak house and didn't return for 3 months, they are legally divorced and share joint custody now. He tells me that he loves and trusts. How much longer should I wait, I do everything that a wife does now so what is the difference?
Just a guess here, but maybe that's just it. You do everything that a good wife and mother should do. So why get married? What's the saying... why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
You can't force him to get married with. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. Respect his wishes.
You've made your intentions clear to him, so now the ball is on his side of the court. It's up to him when he's ready for another marriage.
As for how long you should wait? That depends on you. How much do you care about him?
I care about him tremendously and love him a lot. We've moved our lives into a home and have combined our children and things are great, he knows that I want to get married and he does tell me he is afraid of getting hurt again, and believe me I do understand, is this normal for men who have been hurt by previous disaster marriages? I don't want to leave him or give him a time line when I want to be proposed by, but I feel like we have no commitment, I'm 29 not 19 and I have referring to him as my BF? He is so much more to me. Why doesn't he see me like this?Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
Not every couple gets married. There's some people that just prefer not to. Have you talked to him about your feelings of a lack of commitment on his part?
Yes, and all he tells me is that he is very nervous to do it again because he doesn't want to get hurt again, and I do understand that but I really feel like we may not get married and I would love to marry him , and I want to.Quote:
Originally Posted by justcurious55
So if you broke up with him, he won't get hurt by that? He'd be hurt only if you two are married and then broke up?Quote:
Originally Posted by SONOMAMA29
Hi sonomana29 sometimes things take time to come around, you say that he has been honest and told you right now is not the right time for him to marry. It sounds from what your saying he had a big bomb shell dropped on him when his 1st wife went walk about !
You maybe need to back off a little and move away from the marriage talk with him right now, you could be honest and sit down and tell him your feelings, but you also need to tell him you respect his view and when he is ready to move onto marriage and talk about it more as a commitment to let you know.
We have great communication and we I haven't talked about the marriage thing, I don't want to give him a "date" that he needs to do it by, but I honestly feel like I need some kind of commitment from him, even a dam promise ring, ( which he said he would do, but I would have to wear it not him), I was a little dissapointed when he said he woulndt wear one also. Were going to jamaica in July and I'm really thinking about proposing to him. If he says no, I will be DEVISTATED, but I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to feel like something is missing, I feel like this everyday,, a missing pieceQuote:
Originally Posted by ja77
Threads merged
my boyfriend was married before. He was with his x for 15 years, married for 5, they have a son together. Him and his son movd in with me and my daughter about 1 year ago. We've been together for 2 years in aug. July 2010 me and him are going to Jamaica. We talked about the marriage thing a few times and he said that he isn't ready yet, he is afraid of getting hurt , I love him and I know he loves me. We have great EVERYTHING, communication, we love eachothers kids, we are a great team, great sex, great with the house stuff together, everything is GREAT, I want the title of wife, hell, I do all the wife duties, I'm sick of giving out my milk for free when he hasent bought the "cow". For some reason I need to feel like we are committed and I don't, will a marriage make me feel committed? I love him so much, we are truly soul mates and his is totally the 1 I want to spend the rest of my life with. Should I propsose? If he says no I will be DEVISTATED!
Yes propose to him. Go ahead & give him the promotion. You are his employer. It's not his job to ask for a promotion. It's his job to prove that he's worthy of the promotion & it seems like he's done just that. So go ahead & give him the promotion to marriage status.
It sounds like he is a wonderful partner, and a great dad to both your children. You have a life that many would envy.
What are your options. You could keep pushing him to marry you, until he calls it quits. Or you could accept what he says, and that is, he is simply not ready to get married again, and who can blame him.
You could give him a date, which would also probably result in him still not being ready to marry, and the relationship would end.
Then where would you be.
You would be depriving your daughter of a good father figure, yourself of the love of your life, and a very bright, solid future with a man who loves you.
Just my opinion, but I'd say, put your needs for the wedding aside until he is ready. Focus on the quality of the relationship and your daughter's well-being. To force this to be a marriage when he is not ready, will only hurt everybody.
I agree about not forcing it, but when will he be ready? How long should she wait? Six months? A year? Five years? Will he wake up one morning and say, "I'm ready! Let's plan a wedding!"Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
There are many legal and social advantages to being married. Maybe he needs to be reminded of them somehow?
I'm sort of going with the premise that he isn't saying that he doesn't want to marry her. He's providing everything but marriage- for now.
How long to wait is hard to judge. He may not know when he'll be ready, and it could very well be five or 10 years- anybody's guess.
It just seems that on the positive side, all signs point to eventual marriage.
Maybe couples counselling can dislodge him from his stance- worth a try.
And she is providing too. They have the house, the two cars in the driveway, the blended family, the assigned roles being played out, and maybe even the picket fence. Why bother with the piece of paper?Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
The "don't want to get hurt" is a pure line of bull. Is he not committed to you now, so he has to love you more to marry you, but OK just using you for a rooming house and a sex toy?
This often happens when the move in, is done before the "I do" happens, he sees no reason for it.
Well, he's got all the perks of marriage without any of the legal responsibilities... he can pack up and take a hike anytime he wants and you can't get him for anything... so why get marrried as far as he's concerned... you've been willing to play married this long, why mess up a good thing.
Wake up and smell the coffee, if he wanted to get married he would have by now... you've made 'living in sin' too sweet for him, and he's seen you're willing to accept that kind of relationship.
Just an afterthought here.
I'm not so sure that our definitions (as a society) of what marriage should be like, really apply anymore. Last I read, 52% of marriages fail (don't quote me on that, I have no idea where I read that article online). Of those marriages, there are custody issues, support issues, fatherless children, an imbalance of equity to the primary care giver who has the children to support (just my opinion based on the line of work I'm in), and all sorts of problems with children not raised with both parents on the same page. This due to hate, resentment, immaturity, what have you. They didn't get along before they divorced, and most don't get along afterward. (again my opinion)
So what do we expect when someone like our OP, who has a very solid relationship by the sounds of things, with a loving husband and father figure. Yes, they are appearing married, they have the same responsibilities toward the children, the debt, assets, etc. and what I'm wondering is, why the push for marriage.
Will things be more secure than they are now? Will the children be happier? Will the relationship be different between the OP and her 'husband'?
Is it just possible, that perhaps the lack of a marriage license is what will make this union a successful one?
Other than legal perks of being married aside, and societal pressure to make the union acceptable or the church's requirement to be as one in the eyes of God, is it really necessary considering where we end up with marriages now?
Those "legal perks" are very major:Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
Marriage Rights and Benefits - Free Legal Information - Nolo
And like I alluded to earlier in this thread, if she walked out today, he wouldn't be hurt?
Good question:
Would you be willing to move out? Or go on strike and just be housemates? Of course, either way, the children will be the ones to suffer the most. Something is going to have to be done to shake up the status quo. Otherwise, this will be your life -- unmarried 'wife'. As for the legal ramifications, you would do well to check up on common-law spouse status.Quote:
Originally Posted by SONOMAMA29 agrees
Threads merged
just had a MAJOR fight about his x wife. There were married for 5 years, together for 15, have a 5 year old son together. I guess I should have seen this coming, we've been together for 2 years and moved in together with our kids about 1 year ago. Over the weekend he called his x wife and reminded her that sat, he needed 700 ( her half) to sign up there son for summer camp. She told him to F off and that she doesn't have money. So he signed up there son and paid for the entire thing. Sunday when she called to figure out a location for her to pick up there son he reminded her that he needed at least 85$ to start her portion of the $ he had to front for her for there son to go to camp. She told him to F off and she will start paying him when there son goes to camp in JUNE. I reminded my BF that April and may her 700 on his credit card will be accrewing interest that she will deffinatly not pay for IF she pays him the 700. HE WENT NUTS ON ME! CRAZY and told me to stay out of it and he left to go drop off his son. I seen the outside light come on and he was back but stayed in his car for an additional 25 minutes. I was a little nervous so I went outside and as I was walking over to him he opened up the car door and told me that he was on the phone with his mother and he would be back in the house when he is done. I told him OK. So when he came in he didn't talk to me at all. I asked him if we could talk and 2 hours later we sat down. He told me that he hates it when I interfere in how he handles his "relationship" with his x wife, he again reminded me that she will be apart of our lives forever because that is his sons mother.
I hate it when I get like this, feeling insecure about her and how they have to talk to each other. I know that he loves me and I know that he will not go back to her but she has a kid with him, they were married, I feel like we have no commitment, would getting married to him make me feel like we are more of a team/unit? What are some positive ways I can deal with his x wife (that I can't stand)? I don't want to cause him drama but it is really difficult.
First of all.. she is the child's mother. There will always be a connection there. Not a loving conn ection on his part. Please don't ever fight in front of that child. He isn't too blame. Your husband sounds like he's under a lot of pressure.
Or are you married? Do you work?
You let HIM deal with his ex,full stop.
And learn to accept that she will be in his life at least till their child is 18 year of age.
Stay out of there business, and no, getting married won't make things any easier with his ex.
Please don't fight in front of this little boy. He has enough on his plate with his psycho mom. He needs love from you and hugs.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Money is not everything.
I don't blame you you for being angry.. but if you don't want to lose this man.. comfort him instead of blaming him. If he takes her to court the child will suffer and he probably doesn't like the situation anymore than you do.
He is between a rock and a hard place. He's thinking about his child and you and his ex is trying to add fuel to the fire. Please
Let this child know it's not his fault and give the boyfriend a little understanding. Good Luck
I can't stand my bf's x wife. I'm OBSESSED with her, I check her FB frequently, I used to drive past her car at her job to make sure she was there and it wasent just another lie that she coulndt pick up her son, I would go to the same nail salon, tanning salon and hair salon just to try to cross paths with her to see if she was lying to my boyfriend and confirming these were lies that she alledgely was at work so she couldn't pick up her son. I would have spies follow her to bars and take pics and videos if they were able to of her getting drunk and making out with random guys at bars on her weekend to get her son but she couldn't get him because... she was working! Yea right. OK, so I'm SOOOO over being this obsessed GF, and I'm drained and it is making me crazy. My BF thinks I'm a little wacko and he tells me that all I'm doing is wasting my time because these reports that I give him on how horrible a mother she is or lack of mother-hood she has, he already knows. IM DONE! I can't do this anymore, so I want to go a FULL 360, I want to stop making rude comments about her to my friends and family and I seriously want to take the high road. I want to act like the classy, professional, confident woman that I am instead of this stalker. How should the x wife new GF relationship be? Or just a respectful awareness of each other? What are some tips that I can use to help me help my relationship with my BF and our family to take my mind off her and how she is a horrible mother? Should I befriend her? Invite her to the house? Let her pick up her son at our house when she decided to be a mom? Invite her over for dinner or out to dinner with us? Idea and tips would be great from x-husbands and x-wifes and new wife's dealing with the x.. thank you all so much!
>Multiple Threads Merged<
His ex is always going to be in the picture. It will be much easier for the boy and the boyfriend if you have a cordial relationship. Question is can you do it?
Threads merged
this Tuesday my bf's son has his 2ns t-ball game. My daughter and I have been going to all the practices and we already went to his first game. Allegedly his bio-mom is planning to pick him up Tues. ( day of 2nd game) for her sleepover visit. She hasn't been to any practices or even showed any interest in helping him get prepared for his 1st baseball experience. Well me, my daughter my boyfriend and Bf's mom ( Grammy) are all planning to go to his game on Tuesday. The x wife and I never got along. Most probably she will just sit in her car texting until the game is over and we deliver the son to her at her car but, if she decides to get out and come over to my boyfriend and I, I have no idea what to say to her? We DO NOT get along at all. Any words of advise?
thanks,
sonomama29
You aren't obligated to carry a conversation with her, but you really don't need to be super-rude.
Simply say "hello" and continue watching the game. Leave any actual conversation to your boyfriend or grammy.
I waset planning to be "super-rude" but if she does get out of her car and is able to keep her hands off her phone and stays right next to me and my BF, how could I ask her politely that there are bleachers over there that she can sit on.
That's not your place, or business. Its between him, and his ex, not you.
You should keep your mouth shut, and be a good example for the kids, that's what your focus is, not some petty cat fight games with the mother of his child, no matter what she does.
It's up to your boyfriend to tell her to back off.
When having to deal in uncomfrtable situations like what you describe its called moving to a business relationship. Your civil and that is all that is required. Until something actually happens your stressing yourself over nothing. Take it in stride and if she comes near say hello. If you have never formally met then introduce yourself. Not as the girlfriend but as yourself.
Just try to remember.. He's with you.. if he wanted to be with ex he would be. Be civil to her and remember he loves you now. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by califdadof3
Threads merged
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years this aug. we and each of our kids have been living together for the past year. He was married to his high school sweetheart of 5 years but they were together for a total of 15 years. They have a 5 year old son together. She cheated on him with another man and left my boyfriend and there son for 3 months and was M.I.A. so he filied of divorce papers and 2 night a week there son visits with the mother.
As I was cleaning up the closets the other day I stumbled across a box I'd never seen before. In it was nick-nacks and other little crapy things but there was a litman jewlery box,, I opened it,, and it was his wedding ring. Why does he still have it?
Now,, I do still have my engagement ring from my daughters father ONLY because I need to find a place where they can remove the stone so I can sell the diamond separate from the gold. If he were to ask me to get rid of it right now I would have no problem and I would get rid of it pronto.
#1) how do I ask him to get rid of it?
#2) WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE IT?
#3) what if he tells me he will not get rid of it?
I would love to hear from anyone that has been in this situation or someone who is in a relationship with someone that was once married. Thanks
Why is it okay for you to keep old stuff for your own reasons and not okay for him to keep old stuff for his reasons?
That doesn't seem fair to me for some reason.
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