Threads merged

Ok... I'am 30 and broke up with my girlfriend of 12 years three months ago.
And yeah she dumped me. A couple of weeks after the breakup we started hanging again, went on holidays and talked about getting back together, then 2 weeks ago she just went all cold stopped hanging out with me stopped texting me and saying that she will never get back with me. Of course my mind is in overtime thinking that she has someone else and all sorts of crazy things. I can't stop thinking about her, I dream of her and wake up thinking she is in my bed them when I realize she is not I just feel horrible and can't get up. When I text her she pretty much tells me to go away. I keep on trying to do NC but I can't last at it, and if she texts me I reply straight away. I cannot imagine life without her nothing seems normal.

Ok I have been in NC for about three hours... heres hoping.

Did she say why she is breaking up?

Well don't want to sound stupid but I started pushing her away about six months before the break up. We had been together since we were both young and I guess I thought there was more to life and more out there. She dropped hints that she would leave me if I didn't start trying to sort our problems out but I just didn't care I thought that I didn't love her anymore. But now that is over I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life and that I have lost the love of my life.

Your best option is sticking to NC never mind how hard it is. You do that for you,to help you get your thinking straight and to start moving on.

Make sure you keep busy and do things rather than hang around staring at your phone.

It'll be very hard, you'll always think about the things you used to do together. Be patient and strong and if you need support experts are always available to talk to. Sounds to me like she is done but there is always a chance she will come back. She probably misses you too but maybe she knows that the relationship is done and over with. Time for you to move on and just live for yourself for a year or two. You've been in relationship for a long time and you deserve a break, who knows you may find the solitude a welcome friend. Also, just try and stay NC, if she misses you she will be back. If she doesn't then you know that its over.

I'd love to see some more information about what type of relationship you actually have had with her for 12 years, but it doesn't matter because in the end my response will be the same.

She broke up with you and it's over. You need to face that reality and move on.

After all that time together, it will take a lot of time, and effort, for you to get over your very normal feelings that your having trouble coping with.

Stick to NC, and stay busy, and above all be patient with yourself.

Read the stickies, there is a link in my signature and ask any questions you have.

I can relate. To be honest, NC is the hardest thing for me right now. I've talked to my ex for the last 2 and a half years, and now, nothing. Its dreadfully painful. I slipped many times and I'm working on not being too hard on myself. Keep at it and I will do the same!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kiwi21

Well don't want to sound stupid but I started pushing her away about six months before the break up. We had been together since we were both young and I guess I thought there was more to life and more out there. She dropped hints that she would leave me if I didn't start trying to sort our problems out but I just didn't care I thought that I didn't love her anymore. But now that is over I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life and that I have lost the love of my life.

---

I think that you started the process.

Part of you felt that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, and you weren't prepared to do the work to make it better. You may well have been right, but clearly your non-action precipitated her dumping you.

It's a big lesson isn't it?

I think what you're suffering from is partly regret, partly an ego battering. You're feeling the despair of being dumped and her taking action because you couldn't be bothered.

Now it hurts your heart and your ego that she could let go so easily.

I suspect you've had your chance and lost it.

It's a big lesson isn't it?

Lick your wounds and avoid contacting her - nothing will be normal for a while because you're feeling things you've been avoiding. It's only been 2 weeks so it will take a while to mourn the death of your relationship.

See it this way, you got what you wanted but not in the way you wanted. Life sucks sometimes.

Gemini54: you are right.

I was the same. I used the "break up" card when things got tough and it was stupid and immature. I didn't know any better.

But I guess deep down, I knew the timing of our relationship was wrong. But you are right when you said, "you got what you wanted but not in the way you wanted." It hurts!

Thanks for all the advice from my first post very helpful.

I went into NC as advised and she must of lasted about two days before she started to text and ring me a lot so finally I gave in and broke NC. We started to hang out a lot and started sleeping with each other again for her just to say she didn't want to get back together. I thought sex meant something for women? We were both together since we were young and were each others first, does that make it harder to get over?because it feels like I never will.

Have learnt my lesson about breaking NC and feel like such a fool, it now feels like we have broken up all over again and I have to start NC from scratch with all the oringinal pain back.

I'am going to take the advice I was given and get some counselling.

The question was spose to be what's wrong with me not her. I guess I just can't get her out of my mind!

She wanted the comfort of the familiar,and friends with benefits-without the commitment.

Tough call,but you'll learn from this that going no contact for real this time and starting to heal is your best option.

Good luck.

Sounds like you want commitment and she's only interested in occasional sex, so it's definitely time to make this break-up final.

You're wise to go back to NC. This time you need to do it right and not communicate at all with her. If need be, change your phone number(s) so she can't call or text. It's the only way to get through this.

I'am going to try my best to do NC this time, in fact I have to, its all I have left, I will take inspiration from the stickies and other posts that say if I stick with it long enough one day the pain will be gone, hopefully.

"I started pushing her away about six months before the break up"

"I thought there was more to life and more out there"

"didn't care I thought that I didn't love her anymore. But now that is over I feel like..."

Moving on?

Would love to hear more of the details why you broke-up

After all, you did get with her when you were 18. Things change.
Especially when we don't grow together. Or aren't compatible to begin with.

NC, heal & rock it.

It wasn't a bad break up, by pushing away I spose I meant I just became distant, stop caring and started to wonder is there more to life. But before I could decide she got in first and left me, what a shock and the post about how that stuffed up my ego is bang on. Now that it is over it feels like I stuffed up with the love of my life, I guess I have never really been alone, I didn't realise how hard and scary it would be. But your right... NC, heal & rock it.

Yeah man, I invested quite a few years in my last 2 relationships.

I haven't not had a woman, in a while. Committed?

But, I would rather be me for now, then be with those past ones.
That's for sure.

Make fun your priority.

Is it normal to feel like you are doing well and feeling happy then waking up the next day and feeling more hurt than before when you are doing NC?

Of course, man.

Its like weaning yourself off a drug that's dragging you down.

Time plays a giant role here. With your strength & volition leading.

It's a rollercoaster of emotions. But fanatastic. Helps get you squared away, if you let it.

Thanks... I used to think people who couldn't get off drugs were soft, now I see how hard it must be.

Stay strong & true to yourself.

Be as aware as you can be with what you've learned so far.
Not only this but all things. Everyday. Every relationship. Big or small.

If you can do that, well... everything else is gravy.

Yes kiwi. Getting off the love drug is the hardest thing to do, and the truth about the relationship is the hardest thing to swollow. It is my opinion that relationships are the hardest things in life to manage and keep flowing smoothly. However heartbreak is the worst thing you will ever endure. I think it even trumps the depression of death.

Just stay positive and active. Activity is the only way to keep sane, Good look man.

Death is something that's in the past.

Life is now.

This is true