Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend broke up already moved on

Hi, my girlfriend and I broke up. Actually, out of anger, insecurity and jealousy, I broke up with her. Over text message like a child. She was angry to say the least. We had been fighting every two weeks for months, breaking up or talking about breaking up, but then staying together without even leaving each others side after the fight in most cases. We were together for 3 years and I loved her deeply. But I was insecure from the start. I had my reasons though. I was pretty much a rebound. She had been with her ex before me for 4 years on and off. He cheated on her and was constantly drunk. From the way she explained it in, she had withdrawn from him 2 years prior to meeting me, had dated and slept with others in between her break ups with her ex etc.. Then she met me. We met at a mutual friends new bar that he opened. I was trashed, hit on her in a funny joking way and made her laugh. We hung out there for a few weeks before either of us even talked about having interest in each other and had a blast. Then we started going back to her friends a lot for after hours. One night we slept in the same bed. We kissed but mostly just talked and laughed a lot. We started having a connection and since she was always saying her current relationship is terrible and she just needs the guts to end it, I figured I had a chance. I pursued, would catch, then lose her back to her ex. She would lie about going back to him every time, but knew she was busted. This became a vicious cycle for months until I finally had enough. I stopped contact, ignored her calls and eventually she begged me back saying it was over with her ex. This time it really was. So now begins us. We were great in the beginning. She didn't technically live with me, but stayed at my apartment every single night. We had fun, went out to eat, partied, laughed, all that. But all along the way, I would periodically slip into states of insecurity and make her feel bad for lying in the past. We always got through these trysts rather easily. Now I realize I did it to see her cry. Not to hurt her, but to feel she loved me. It was unhealthy. Eventually this passed and the middle year of our relationship was great. Then I decided to buy a house. To do so I needed to save more money. Not only for me but her. I wanted to be able to help her through nursing school. So we moved to my parents for what was supposed to be about 6 months. It took longer. After a year she got her own apt with her best friend. I opposed but didn't object. She wanted to know she could make it on her own since she never had to in the past. She always had a boyfriend to take care of her. This created distance, but distance that I now see I caused. She still wanted to see me every night and go do things but I was becoming depressed, I just didn't see it. Instead of taking her out, I told her to go have fun with her friends. I always claimed to be too tired from working. My pattern became overwhelming for her I think. I worked, came home, ate, watched TV then bed. I was lazy, not fun and started fighting with her often. She would get upset with me because I never took her out and when we did we fought. I would in turn get upset with her because she wouldn't just relax at home with me. I used all the excuses to make her feel bad - a committed girl doesn't need to be at bars etc etc. I relize now, she's outgoing, beautiful, friendly, energetic. Of course she wants to have a good time instead of being a homebody. It got bad, yet through it all, when we were alone in bed together we were madly in love. But that became the only place either of us felt safe anymore. Eventually I told her we need to break up. That we had grown apart and were at two different places. She reluctantly agreed, and there it was. For about 5 minutes. We both cried. I was a little teary eyed, but she was bawling. "i don't want it to be over! I don't want to imagine my life without you!''... I caved. I thought, wow, look how much she loves me, how can I let this go? Every time we fought, or talked about breaking up, we felt closer together when we made up. But it didn't last. I was still stuck in a place of apathy and laziness and questioned how I felt about her. She withdrew more too. Started going out more often and that caused me to jump to conclusions. One night (the last night) I logged into her fb acct. I knew the password because I set it up for her to begin with. I called her out about guys sending her messages saying how beautiful she was etc.. There was nothing sent from her to anyone that implied she cheated on me but I flew off the handle anyway. I broke up with her through text like I stated earlier. She flipped, was so angry not only because of that, but the fact that I snooped through her . She said that's it, I'm really done this time. I didn't believe her, but I should have. I gave it 2 days, for me to put a rational head on and figure out how to apologize, and for her to cool off. I text her, how can I fix this? No response. I called, no answer. I got nervous, then the mistakes I made were compounded by fear. I text constantly one after another, nothing. Then I drove to her apartment. She's not there. Finally I get a text - I'm home studying, call you tomorrow. She lied, now I became really scared. I knew she would only lie if she was with another guy. I text more - you're not home, I came over to talk, where are you, who you with? No response. I called, left vm's crying and begging. I could se the depths I was falling to but couldn't control it. She never came home that night. The next day she called and said she was at her moms. I knew it was a lie. I cried more. My god what was happening to me? To us? I need space she said. I said be honest, do you need space or is it over? If its over tell me now so I don't hold onto false hope. Space she said. So I gave it to her. I didn't call. Didn't text. I just kept tabs on her fb status updates and she seemed like nothing was bothering her. Then I got the bomb dropped. A mutual friend told me she had gone out with another mutual friend the day after our big fight. And every day since. She slept at his house every night. Finally I went to the other guy for answers. Another bad move. He said it's inncocent for now, just a lot of partying and they kissed just once. And that most nights she slept there it was a big group of people there also. But they like each other, and she dosen't bring my name up. She told him we were over. I emailed her, took my share of the blame for the breakup, but laid into her for not coming clean about the aftermath. She emailed back. Things said were - our happiness was diminishing, I'm grateful for the years we spent, we've grown apart, but I've been masking my true feelings. I was crushed, angry, so I called. She said she was lying to herself that we could make it work. Swore nothing existed with him and the other guy before we broke up, and that she fell out of love with me and is sorry she hurt me. I was crushed. Couldn't believe after 3 years I could be replaced so fast. And she really seemed so over me, like she didn't mourn since the breakup one bit. I needed help. Wasn't sleeping or eating. So I saw a counselor. Was finally diagnosed with depression. Not from the breakup, this was causing my laziness which led to our fighting. The therapist made me realize, she had every right to move on from me. I wasn't giving her what she needed. I also realized, I didn't really want her to adopt my lifestyle, I wanted to be more like her, and began to resent that. I wish I had sought help before the end. Now I'm doing things, I'm workng out, seeing my friends more, staying busy. It feels good, but I still feel empty without her, and crushed that she is with another man that I pushed her to. I'm going to keep working on making myself a more complete person. Keep trying to reagin my old thirst for fun. Keep trying to get through the pain. I'm still left with some questions for now though. Is she really over me? Was this relationship over in her head and she dealt with the process long before me or did she immediately cling to the first guy that made her feel desired in a way I wasn't as her way of avoiding the pain of this breakup? Will they last? If I continue to improve my quality of life, will she want to give us another chance? I know the odds are not in my favor on that last one, but I would love to see if we could make it work if we were on the same page. If not then at least I would know we gave it our best try and it wasn't meant to be. I truly love this girl, I wish I didn't use having her as an excuse to hide from my own problems before I lost her. Sorry so long, any help is appreciated.

This thing was doomed from the start,

Talaniman Rule - Never ever get to close to a person that has a committed partner in their lives.

Talaniman Rule- Never ever mess with any one who has just dumped their partner

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when it’s so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Stay single, and deal with your own issues, and get your stuff together, she has a different path to follow, so get your own.

Leave her alone fella, no matter how bad you want to try again. You have already poisoned this well.

She's gone,and you move on-working on yourself,bettering yourself for you,not for anyone else.

It's only been two weeks, so yes, I am listening to a broken heart in thinking it could work again. But will I ever understand how she moved on and completely forgot about me within a day? Is it possible to do that, or is she just putting on a brave face? If it's the latter, she's doing a hell of a job.

With time and healing, you will probably figure it out, but for now, let the emotional dust settle.

Most often,the dumper has started to leave the relationship quite some time before the breakup.

So,when they breakup,they are further down the road when it comes to their healing process.

Like what amicon said, the break up begins in their thoughts then the action starts at the end. She was probably thinking it over and over again. Like what you said, you were her rebound when she was with her ex, So that guy is her rebound. Sounds like she can't be alone and doesn't know how it feels to be alone, that's not good at all. Its good that this happens cause, it made you realized the type of person you were becoming. Now focus on yourself and forget about that girl. Just hope that your future relationship will be healthy from the beginning.

Thanks guys, good insight. Sucks to know now, as she was telling me how much she loved me right up until the last day that she didn't even mean it. And that someone can make the person they've spent every day for this long with feel completely forgotten about and replaced so easily. Guess the lesson is you can't change people, only yourself.

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Originally Posted by abc321

guess the lesson is you can't change people, only yourself.

Yes.

Your right abc you can't change others but yourself. Just do your best to accept that so you can go and move on with your life, its really hard I know but you will eventually go to the point where the pain is not as bad.

Abc our stories are very similar... best thing you can do is better yourself and no contact. Give it time and track your progress that always helps me.

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Originally Posted by abc321

i would periodically slip into states of insecurity and make her feel bad for lying in the past….
it got bad, yet through it all, when we were alone in bed together we were madly in love. but that became the only place either of us felt safe anymore.

You started the relationship with the girl you could not trust.
It seems what she had with you was lust, not love. Even worse, the lust was doomed as you noticed. The simple sign of love is “whatever we do, wherever we go, if I am with you, I'm happy.” Your being homebody, not providing bar is not fault at all, and you should not blame yourself. She is party goer, fun seeker, constantly wanted to be taken out to bar, get attention from people, and entertaind at the bar, and it made you uneasy. I have to guess this relationship caused you depression.

This relationship is dead already, and will not work at all, friend. That's why you struggled that much. Forget about her tears. We all know tears is cheap, and as you said, she already slept with other men while drunk. Does it matter if she had sex with him or not at this point? She started in the exactly same pattern with you. She clearly replaced you already. This relationhsip is not worth to try to keep, and will only give you frustration, and headache. As all we agree, the best thing you can do is, STICK WITH NC, and try hard not to create more drama. As time goes by, you will heal, and eventually forget her, and finally move on. It will be hard, but you found a good place to vent here, and it will help you go through this with great support.

After you are completely healed, you will find a good hearted girl who genuinely loves you, not the fun you are providing in future. Relax and focus on healing. :)

The pain is getting worse. Knowing your advice is all sound is still not helping me yet. It's been two weeks and it feels like a decade. Some days are better than others but today being a holiday is the worst yet. We loved each others families. She used to take my grandmother out for lunch, shop with my mother and I golfed with her parents and brother. Knowing she's spending these times with him now is eating me alive. I can't accept the fact that she never loved me. That is was just lust. She told me days before the breakup she couldn't live without me. And this guy now is everything she isn't attracted to in men. I would feel so much better knowing she is latching onto him to get over me rather than replacing me, but I can't conjure up positive thoughts right now. All I can think is she fell for him and complete forgot about me instantly. Plus my $2000 TV o's at her apartment still. Do I get that back and break NC or chalk it up as another loss?

Additional detail to the TV. My brother instant messages her a few days ago - hi, just wondering when a good time to get my brothers TV would be next week?. She didn't respond to him. Hours later she sent ME a text saying - your brother sent me a message about the TV. You can come get it whenever you want just let me know... Why did she text me back and not him? She has his number. And why did she say YOU can come get it? Is that a generic term or is she purposley trying to hint she wants me to come? And if so why? Just to see if I'm still in pain. This situation is sticky, need to know best way to handle it.

Sounds to me like both of you have problems (insecurity) and the relationship was dysfunctional to say the least.
If she came back the original problems would still be there. You seem to play an awful lot of games and get angry quite a bit.
Let this go and use the time to work on yourself.

Your pain will lessen,it takes time,but you too will get there-be patient and keep busy.

As for the telly,could your brother text her again and tell her to get back to HIM and arrange a pick-up time?

She sent you the email directly, because she knows you are emotionally wrack, and will not handle to face her to pick up TV. Long in short, she wants to get out of you on and on and on.
In my opinion, $2000 TV is not a small item you have to chalk it up, if you paid full by yourself.
If I am you,
1. block her from all phones, emails and social network right now to make it impossible for her to contact you
2. wait until all dust settles down. You have been broken up only for 2 weeks.
3. Once you feel better, let your brother send ME to arrange the time, and pick up the TV. Let your brother tell her you do not want to be contacted in future forever.
End of story.
She may make malicious drama over TV in case, and it will only show you what kind person really she is. In any case, just ignore it, and stick with NC.
Your mind will trick you sometimes, but focus on your healing and move on.

It's going to be almost impossible to completely avoid her. We have too many common friends and live in the same town only minutes from one another. And even if I am successful in avoiding HER there is no way we can both avoid each others friends and family. Why can't I stop thinking this is just another obstacle that we will conquer? Deep down I really feel she wants to be with me and is using this guy to trick herself. She has such a hard time letting go of anything, so how could she possibly let go of me this easily?

Abs your pain will always be there for awhile, you loved her, cared for her, so your pain will not just go away that fast. Like what you said, some days are better and some are worst. But you got to look at it this way, is your pain now better then the pain you felt the first day it was over? The main problem with you is, you over analyse everything. When you do that you are not letting yourself heal.

Here is the things that's making it hard for you to move on:

1.

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why can't I stop thinking this is just another obstacle that we will conquer?

2.

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deep down I really feel she wants to be with me and is using this guy to trick herself.

3.

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she has such a hard time letting go of anything, so how could she possibly let go of me this easily?

4.

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Why did she text me back and not him? She has his number. And why did she say YOU can come get it? Is that a generic term or is she purposley trying to hint she wants me to come?

That are the things that's holding you back from moving forward. You can't accept the fact that its over, and that she is with another man doing the dirty things that you two used to do. Accept it man, man up and accept the fact that she is no good for you and that you deserve someone better. But instead all you do is hold on the false hope and thinking about all the what ifs. She found someone else, that means she doesn't want to be with you. If I were you, I would take all the peoples advice here and run with it. You want to be helped but your letting your emotion take over your decisions. Think logical and know that this girl is a virus to your life.

You need to start thinking with your head instead of your heart-once you can accept that its over,you can start moving on.

I blocked her from Facebook so neither of us can check on each other. Will this move come across as childish and immature?

It's a good move-nothing childish about it at all-pure selfprotection and selfrespect.

No contact whatsoever is what you should be doing.

I understand exactly how you feel. Heck I still feel that way... I thought I was 100 percent over my ex and now I saw her with a new guy and it hurt. I am trying hard to get over this little rough patch right now. You have all the thoughts and over analyze like I do. There's so much history and famaily involved and great memories. And lots of great memories. This makes it that much more difficult for us. You must let it out and cry and tell yourself that it is okay to be sad. Experience the pain. You will be okay.

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Originally Posted by abc321

i blocked her from facebook so neither of us can check on each other. will this move come across as childish and immature?

That was one of the best moves you made. Checking her Facebook status will only hurt you as you will analyze every little detail and look for meaning in things when there probably is none. Also... its a good way to get your heart broken if you see something you don't like(picture, comments from other guys)... it makes it much much worse

God I hate Facebook

I read you post emopunk. At least she waited 3 months for you. Mine was on a date the very next day after spending everyday for three years with me. And she's been with him every night since the first date. It cuts worse than a knife. You wonder why you are left to deal with the pain all alone while she has found happiness immediately. How is it humanly possible to forget someone so fast? Whether she was dealing with the breakup in her head prior to it actually happening or not. How little respect can she possibly have for me and my feelings to do this so soon? It's so unfair.

Yes, it is unfair and what sucks is that we will never know how they do that. They love us and are happy one second spending time with us and all, and the next they break up and seem to be happy immediately. It's insane. I can totally relate to you. I just found out aboutthem recently so I think we are on the same page. I think I would be better if I knew she wasn't dating anyone for some reason. Have you seen them together? I saw pictures and she looked so pretty and that hurt the most. It's like the only way I can be happy is if I find someone prettier than her. It's crazy. I hate feeling this way.

Sorry guys, last few days have been a real struggle. I know all the advice I should be following but have an undying urge to see her and talk to her. She is still spending her nights with him. For two straight weeks now she has been. I can't help having this desire to know if she really is over me and has no feelings of love for me anymore. I had my heart broken once before this, over 10 years ago. Every relationship since I've always had the upper hand and was the one to end it. With her, it was always shifting, although I at least felt I had the upper hand for most of it. The night I text begged and cried on her voicemail haunts me to this day. Like I said before, I could see what I was sinking to, knew it was the biggest no-no in the book, but my fear completely took possession of my conscience mind. Was that theain reason she was able to forget about me and move on so fast? Or is she moving on so fast because she needs someone to get her through what was the end of something she too thought would last forever? Or does she really not have any love or respect for my feelings at all anymore? I would never start living with another girl days after leaving her. Even if I knew the breakup was for good. How can she be so numb to me to realize the disolving of us is hard enough but to add her being with someone right away makes it infinitely worse? I'm sorry, like I said, I'm having a super hard time with questioning her current feelings. I really could use help on all these questions. Some days are better than others, but the past few have been god awful.

I'm sorry you've had a rough couple of days,but that's part of the rollercoaster ride when you're healing from a breakup.

You need to get yourself into a frame of mind where you stop asking all these questions,her actions alone should tell you that she is living a different life now and,sadly,you are not in her thoughts.

Stick to no contact and keep busy.

Grin and bear it and fake it till you make it.

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Originally Posted by abc321

Sorry guys, last few days have been a real struggle. I know all the advice I should be following but have an undying urge to see her and talk to her. She is still spending her nights with him. For two straight weeks now she has been. I can't help having this desire to know if she really is over me and has no feelings of love for me anymore. I had my heart broken once before this, over 10 years ago. Every relationship since I've always had the upper hand and was the one to end it. With her, it was always shifting, although I at least felt I had the upper hand for most of it. The night I text begged and cried on her voicemail haunts me to this day. Like I said before, I could see what I was sinking to, knew it was the biggest no-no in the book, but my fear completely took possession of my conscience mind. Was that theain reason she was able to forget about me and move on so fast? Or is she moving on so fast because she needs someone to get her thru what was the end of something she too thought would last forever? Or does she really not have any love or respect for my feelings at all anymore? I would never start living with another girl days after leaving her. Even if I knew the breakup was for good. How can she be so numb to me to realize the disolving of us is hard enough but to add her being with someone right away makes it infinitely worse? I'm sorry, like I said, I'm having a super hard time with questioning her current feelings. I really could use help on all these questions. Some days are better than others, but the past few have been god awful.

Honestly man... what she feels or how she deals with it at this point is irrelevant and not your concern. Your searching for answers that you will not get an honest answer to at this point in time, even if she decided to ever call or text you back. No contact is tough, especially during the first few days (I know believe me, I'm only on day 3 myself) but you have to stay strong and stick to it. Nothing positive can come out of talking to her... and the question I pose to you is: why do you even want to talk to her? You should be pi**ed right off man. After 3 years that's the kind of respect you get shown? She just hops on to another guy? Sounds like this girl did you a favour man you deserve a lot better than that.

I need to know because I deserve to know. I have to know. I need to look her in the eyes and have her tell me exactly where her head is. She's going on 28 years old, which is still young, but not like a 19 year old kid that is still going through constant changes. Even when we fought she showed me so much love and emotion. It doesn't make sense that she could just suddenly turn so cold and emotionless towards me after one bad mistake that I made. I can't handle that the person I spent almost every night with can suddenly be a different person and feel nothing for me literally instantly. Right up until the day of our fight she was looking me in the eyes telling me how much she loves and needs me. I know if I see her face to face she can't lie about what she feels. And whether she tells me she is using this other guy to get over me or she truly has no love left for me at least I'll know the truth. If it's the latter, the pain can't get worse than it is now. I need and deserve closure.

And if she doesn't comply?

Comply as in see me? She's already expecting me to contact her about picking up my television.

I've read your post.

Leave her alone.

She is not good for you and you are not good for her.

NOT a match.

Ask her anything you want but marriage is not in the cards.
Only heartache. Get a calendar and log 90 days of NC, then come back here with mental report to go further if needed.

Hang in there buddy!

Ash

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Originally Posted by abc321

Comply as in see me? She's already expecting me to contact her about picking up my television.

Doesn't sound like she is coming back to you. Maybe she tells you eye to eye that its over, but her actions already say that.

Well my mental report right now is a big fat F. I was optimistic last week. Then I closed on my house. As I work on it all I can think of is spending my nights alone there when our plans were live there together. All the while she's in someone else's bed. I have contacted her 3 times since the breakup 2 weeks ago. The first was an email after week one letting her know how hurt and betrayed I felt that I had to find out from others that she had been seeing someone else after telling me she needed space to think. The second time was a phone call after she replied to that email saying she was afraid to contact me. On that call I laid into her and lost my cool before hanging up on her. The last time was the day after when I instant messaged her saying I don't want you to think I hate you, I never could. But other than that she has only contacted me once. It was a reply to a message my brother sent her about him picking up my TV. She said - your bro sent me a message about your TV, you can pick it up whenever you want just let me know. I simply replied - OK. After 3 years of being there to love her and helpher through any problem she ever had I feel I deserve face to face closure. She would have just left me wondering what had happened had I not found out from another source. She owes me ten minutes of her time so I can see her say the things she feels so I can move on. Not talking to her is only creating scenarios in my head that may or may not be true and is holding me back. So again, is it OK for me to pick up my TV and have her give me the closure I seek?

Seeing her in person and asking for closure is your decision,has it occurred to you that she may not even want to discuss your relationship,nor give you any explanations?

Closure isn't something somebody else gives you, its what you find within yourself when you accept the facts,however hard and hurtful,and start moving on,allowing yourself to heal.

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So again, is it OK for me to pick up my TV and have her give me the closure I seek?

Get you TV and see what she does say. Not avoiding the question of closure, but acceptance of the situation is closure, as anything she says, you will either believe it, or question it, and that leads to even more confusion, and less closure.

Seldom can a person explain why feelings change, but its always a good bet that she has known it for a while and when she got the courage to act on it, she did.

Its seldom one thing but a series of events, and actions that made her tired of the whole thing, and your break up text just enforced it.

Hey, all the signs where there to see, so its not like it's a surprise that things ended the way they did.

I seriously doubt that she can give you the closure that you seek. Its been my experience that's something you get for yourself, as you cope with the shock, and feelings that a failed relationship brings, but that's just me.

Buddy I know you're hurt and you'll hurt for awhile but you need to suck it up and walk away. You don't need closure, you have it. She's with someone else. This new guy she's with... spending every night with... well they're not making cookies. Listen you don't want any more information from her it'll only cause you more pain.

I know that the fact she's with someone else sucks. Believe me, that she not only is with someone but sooooo soon after we broke is where most of my pain is coming from. And I hear from others that the sign she rebounded so quickly is a sign that she was so hurt and shocked that we didn't make it that she latched onto the first available guy to avoid the feelings a breakup brings. If that is the case then I feel I might stop wondering about her actions post breakup. Because those thoughts are getting in the way of me dealing with the fact that we are done.

You're trying to read into the situation and neither you nor do the others posters have any clue as to what her emotional state or actions are about.

You have been advised wisely though... walk away, have no further contact. Just be strong for yourself and move on. Try to think clearly for a moment... would you really want to go back to someone who so easily discarded you for another?