Hey, I have been reading some of the other threads about break-ups because I was recently dumped, and the one thing commonly said in all of them is that No Contact is an aboslute necessity, and right now I can't pull that off and was wondering if anyone had any advice about my particular situation...

Starts typically enough, met in high school, fell in love, and moved in together. I just turned 22 and the girl turns 19 this year. Unfortunately, while we lived together, we also worked at the same place, and saw each other there on a daily basis as well.

So one day she comes home from her shift and says she wants to break up, needs to get her life together, she doesn't want to feel like she has to check in, etc etc. Obviously I was devastated, and went through the usual routine of pining for her back, anger, sadness, as I said the usual. But it has been about 2 months now and things are starting to get better. I still think of her all the time but the days of crying about it and not eating/sleeping are long gone. However, one thing completely prevents me from moving on... the fact that I work 5 days a week, and see her every single one of those 5 days because she works the shift before me. It really makes no contact hard because while I would rather not talk to her, we were best friends for what 3 years? So I don't want to be a complete and ignore her either. I have applied to numerous other places to get another job, but fact is we live in a small town, and once you have employment your kind of lucky so its best to stick with it. I even applied to the Army (which is what I want to do with my life anyway, I just didn't plan on it until next year) but who knows how that will work out or how long it will take. Any advice on dealing with this? I'm usually pretty good now out with friends or on my own, but every time I see her at work I can't help those old feelings creeping back in... until I find another job or get in the army, what can I do to help the way I feel?

Nothing anyone?

You are in a difficult situation. Just keep looking for a new job. In about 3 more months you will be more than fine so just give yourself time. Okay?

Is it absolutely necessary to bump into her every time you get to work?
Could you change shifts?

Concentrate on your future career plans.

I hope the army works out for you,that sounds like a great move.

@ amicon: yes unfortunately it is necessary, it's a crappy little convienence store and only one person works per shift, unfortunately she is the shift right before me, believe me I wish it weren't necessary but thanks to all who answered I guess I'm doing the right thing keep looking for a new job and hopefully put this behind me for good.

Then you're just going to have to grin and bear it till you go away to the army-try really concentrating on something totally different when you walk through that door.

Take care and good luck.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Then youre just going to have to grin and bear it till you go away to the army-try really concentrating on something totally different when you walk through that door.

Take care and good luck.

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Thank you very much... kinda figured that's what I had to do :( however it will be a challenge every night to not say something stupid.

Just 'hi' and keep walking will do it.

No need for any conversation.

Hey man I feel for you, I also was living with my ex, so I know its hard cause the 2 of you had made a memory on that house you guys were living in. the best way is to ignore ignore and ignore, You can't be friends cause you still have your emotion inside you. She lost all that once she broke it off, lost the privileged of doing anything with you. When your around her don't show any emotion, fake it like your life counts on it. Act like your happy even though your not it will get to her. Its time to make yourself happy, I know right now it may seem like she's your only happiness but take it as a good experience, at less she broke it off before you guys got married.

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So one day she comes home from her shift and says she wants to break up, needs to get her life together

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dude she made it easy for you to move on. She is pretty much saying that she doesn't see her future with you and she doesn't want to do anything with you anymore. She probably felt like this for awhile, thus feeling does not come overnight, she was feeling that for at less a few months or longer. Move on and find yourself a girl that can share her future with you.

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I still think of her all the time but the days of crying about it and not eating/sleeping are long gone.

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Once you start thinking about her, shift your mind on your future, just remember each day passes by brings you closer to the girl you are meant to be happy with.

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However, one thing completely prevents me from moving on... the fact that I work 5 days a week, and see her every single one of those 5 days because she works the shift before me.

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that's an excuse you can't completely move on cause you have that process on your mind already. I know cause I thought about the same thing and I was in denial about it. Every time you see her and once your feeling start coming back, be bad toward her.find many fault about her and that will hopefully help you heal.
Keep yourself busy and you need to do NO CONTACT like what everyone has been telling me here, the longer you don't do NO CONTACT the longer you are going to keep dealing with the pain you are feeling. Doing no contact is hard but it will make your healing process easier. Good luck bro and hope you can find your happiness.

It is not easy and will be painful. You need to be very determined and stick with your gun.

Remember this. If you lost your mind for a second, if you are getting weaker, trying to be nice to her, she will despise you more, because even though she dumped you, and you will seem like crawling back without self-esteem. She will loose more interest & respect. Sadly, dumpers do not come back for mercy. Nobody think a man with low self esteem is attractive.

Keep your face firm, make your conversation minimum, and act like you totally forgot about her, and cool about breakup even though you are struggling inside.

Treat her like a stranger, and ignore. It is only option you have until you find a new job. Good Luck.

Quite the dilemma, but understand this isn't about all the old feelings that will be stirred up, but in the way you cope with them.

Outwardly toward her you are friendly, polite, and about the business of doing your job. Since you are her relief, you know she is leaving when you get there, so its only for a short time you do cope.

Its sort of like in grade school, you get dumped, your sad, but you eventually turn your attentions elsewhere.

The only difference is, adults do the same thing, but in a more mature way, and your distractions are more sophisticated.

Until something changes at work, you just grin and bear it, until after a while you get use to the way it is, and the sting is gone. Hang in there, as time is on your side, and you just have to be cool about how you carry yourself.

No one but you will know that your coping with those feelings, and there is no need to tell her, but she probably is going through the same thing when you come to work. Old feelings and memories, but she doesn't show it, so neither should you.

Thanks everyone it really helped and today I got a job in a town 20 minutes away so I only have to grin and bear it till may 1st, I feel better already!

That sounds great-good luck with your new job and stay strong.

Glad to hear the news about the job change. It really is a good move.

I know from personal experience that its possible to get through the noise of a big breakup when NC isn't a choice... when circumstances require some contact... but even then, very limited contact is best, and its exponentially harder to get through.

Anyway... getting yourself away from her isn't going to solve all the questions and issues... just don't feel like, on the tough days, that NC isn't working... its still going to be a pain in the arse sometimes... its just not anywhere near as tough as if you were still elbow to elbow in the same store.

Threads merged

Hey all,
So I posted a thread a few days back about how I just got dumped after a 3 year relationship and that no contact wasn't an option due to me and the ex working at the same store. Well I have a new job that starts in a month but I don't think I will be able to make it that long. Every night I see her at work, my feelings just get stronger and stronger, like I really love and miss this girl. I told her how I felt tonight in what I would call one last bold effort, and it didn't go all that well. She told me she will always love me cause I was her first, but that she didn't want any guy not just me. She didn't rule out completely that down the line a bit that her feelings might change, but right now she's happy basically hanging out with friends and doing the stuff she didn't do when we were together. During the last few months of our relationship I became this over protective jerk (our whole relationship wasn't like that) but basically that's what caused the break up. I told her that in the 2 months since we have been broken up I have grown and realized that's not how you treat the one you love, but it was too late. She said she sees us being good friends, and was even open to having a drink with me, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Basically I need your guys help/ advice... I'm still going to see this girl no matter what for at least the next month, and I know my feelings will probably not go away as much as I want them to. How can I help myself here? It seems like everyday for me is a buildup to those 10 minutes I'll see her at work, and truthfuly that's when I'm at my happiest which is wrong. I can't seem to get over this girl, I feel like I lost one of the best people and I can't erase the fact I feel like we are meant to be together... an interesting thought is also when we first started dating I went and saw a psychic/spirit guide (the girl wasn't with me for this). I don't usually put stock in things like that but this person knew aspects of my life that were impossible for her to know, and one of the things she said was "you just started a new relationship with a girl with the initial "d", and you will marry this woman. That thought runs through my head constantly... what can I do to ease the pain guys? I've been in longterm relationships before that have ended ad never felt like this for this long after the break up...


One other thing is that while she says she doesn't want to get back together, she doesn't know how she will feel a few weeks/months down the line. That keeps a sliver o hope in my mind, what can I do for the closure I need

You keep busy.

You only talk to her when its absolutely necessary.

You realise that the facts are: she broke up with you,and its over and she is moving on. As you should.

(You don't need to start a new thread-just add to your original one.)

Hey, sorry first forum I've ever joined, I'll learn the rules quickly. It's hard though amicon, like I have been really good at not phoning or texting her, but she texts me. She texted me yesterday letting me know there was something for me from the boss, and she knew I already knew that. Tonight before work she called me asking if I would work half her shift tomorrow night so she could go out? Am I being to sensitive or is that not extremely innapropriate? It's like she makes me think about her when she texts me, and on my word I have YET to initiate a phone or text conversation with her. Is this just her trying to be friends or taking me for granted?

Wait it out. Things will get easier. If you linger on the feelings you will find yourself loathing this girl and I am sorry but I am sure that is not something you'd like to feel for her. Sounds like your soul really attached to her and it is sad when a part of your soul has gone missing. It hurts physically and mentally. I know, I've been there.
I do not want to give you false hope either my friend, but I will say that if she is not ruling it out, there may be a chance when you do not work together and she has some personal space that her feelings will change again.
If she says she still loves you but can't be with anyone right now then possibly she does not want another really good relationship to hurt so bad again. Just try and give her a little time and if she doesn't come around then you need to try and find another outlet.
Honestly if you think about it instead of feel about it you'll understand that a month is really not all that long. It'll pass by, just hold on bud. And don't bug her, don't beg her, don't do anything to her to push her further away. She will see any effort to get her back at this point as another complication and she will retract further from you until she finds herself hating you. For your own good and if there is any hope for this relationship I suggest leaving her alone no matter how hard it is or how much your soul is telling you to reach out for her.
Your soul doesn't have a brain and doesn't use logic, which is what you need to be using right now.


You can't keep doing her favors. It isn't going to help you out here. It'll make you think of her all the time. And you have to heal for now. And in my opinion it is very innapropriate to ask you to do something knowing you will do it just so she can go out and have fun. I would never go for that unless I really needed the money.

Dude I told you to not hang on the feelings you have about her.

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She told me she will always love me cause I was her first, but that she didn't want any guy not just me.

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She is only saying that so she won't feel bad about it. If she really did love you, why won't she be with you. That's not love, her words says it is but her action says f*% off. Get the hint she doesn't want to be with you anymore, I'm sorry I'm sounding like a hard but everyone gave you a good advice but for some reason your not taking it. I know its hard cause I'm dealing with one right now. But you just got to do it, and start doing no contact, cause if you don't you will only hurt yourself.

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"you just started a new relationship with a girl with the initial "d", and you will marry this woman. That thought runs through my head constantly... what can I do to ease the pain guys?

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That's an easy question, stop that by running through your head, the faster you do that the faster you can start easing your pain away.

Your holding on something that cannot be fixed, nothing you can do,say will make her love you, or come back to you.
Lets make this easy, you can keep thinking of her, keep having that false hope, and you end up crying hating yourself, blaming yourself thinking about the what if and what do you gain? NOTHING. Do you get her back NO. But do you feel the pain YES, are you healing NO.

Hey buddy the more you think about her the more you end up wanting her. ITs best to move on, stop your pain you don't deserve it!! I know its hard but hey I doing my best to get through it.. Like what KP said "sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do"

Larken that was an awesome post, thank you. So I should not pursue this "drink" she said she would go out with me for? (it was just to see what's going on in our lives right now) I'm not Gina lie I'd like to do it but maybe once I start the new job and no contact will start her texts (or lack thereof) should be an indicator if there's hope for the long run or not more so than a few drinks at a bar... either way your post cheered me up a bit thanks man

No drinks,no contact-unless its to do with work and that can be discussed when you do the switchover.

And tell her to stop texting you.

@showmeurmoves:
Dude no contact is not possible to may 1st, I'm stuck seeing her till than. And she never said down the line things couldn't be fixed, and she hasn't told me to "f" off. SHE tells me she wants to be friends, se texts me asking for favours, and she is the one who says maybe in a few months she will feel differently. And by the way, I don't think she is saying the thing about not wanting any guy, one o her friends told me some guy tried hitting on her huge at the bar a few weeks ago and she wasn't having it, in fact laughed in his face, so I donno...

I know you want to do it. But going out for drinks is a bad idea man. I'm telling you, you find ten minutes hard to bare with her, get a few drinks in you and you'll be crying like a baby. (I've seen it happen) Just politely tell her that if she wants to talk to you or something that it'll have to be over LUNCH. Strictly lunch by the way. Not dinner (thats a date) and not breakfast (you don't need this to be the first thing you do in the morning.) Take your time with it but be very careful not to hurt yourself in the process all right?

You are welcome for the post and good luck man, I mean it.

I think from here on out I will just ignore any text she sends, be polite but frank at work (as in no small talk) and yea you guys are right don't go out as friends. I hope I'm a better actor than Tom cruise though I'm going to need to be to hide what I really want to say

I know its hard to do no contact cause you see her at your work place, but it sounds like what's best for you to do at this moment is to not be friends you have so much feelings for her at this moment and its not good for you cause its only hurting you.

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she is the one who says maybe in a few months she will feel differently.

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so your saying that you will wait for her, it sounds like false hope man. How can you move on if that's what you will keep thinking. What if you do end up dating again, and then couple of months she feels like she needs to be alone, what now you will be back in square one.

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guy tried hitting on her huge at the bar a few weeks ago and she wasn't having it, in fact laughed in his face, so I donno...

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yea her friend said that, hey he can be ugly or not her type, but what if she finds someone better, what then, your there holding on the hope that maybe she will change her mind and be with you, and there she is living her life. Doesn't sound fair to me. Go be happy man not with her but find a way to make yourself happy. I know how your feeling it sux but you got to do it.

Yea, so showmeurmoves u said that you are dealing with something similar, how do you go about changing your train of thought when your ex pops into your head (if they still do) I know I'll be able to pull off not texting her and such but the thoughts I get, man they never end and it's been 2 months!

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Originally Posted by the_original

I hope I'm a better actor than Tom cruise tho I'm gonna need to be to hide what I really want to say

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Lol he isn't that good of an actor. Should have said Jonny Dep (spelling) :D

Man she will always pops in and out of your head. What I do is I find many ways to hate her and why going back out with her is not a good idea. I start thinking about how my life is better without her, and that I am to good for her. Yours been 2 months mine is just new but I'm guessing the reason why you still think about her a lot is because your hanging on a lot of the memories and what that lady had said. Block it, when the thought comes, do something else to keep your mind of it. When the feeling comes back of you missing her start listening to music, it always helps me.

I've tried to go out to clubs, bars but for some reason all the girls I see all I keep doing is comparing them to her. So I stop and all I do is focus on my business and keep myself busy.
Now I hardly think of her. Try talking to yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that your happiness does not consist of her, and she is worthless and she doesn't deserve anymore tear drops. Re direct your mind instead of you loving her start hating her.
Like some of the advice I get from my thread, they all say expect it to come, welcome it but don't dwell on it. And that's what I'm doing, when it comes I let it come but I don't sit and dwell on the memory cause it just brings back the pain and I don't like it. Keep yourself busy and before you know you will start thinking of her less and less every time. Remember every day comes brings you closer to the right girl that would appreciate you and love you. That's what I keep telling myself and it makes me feel better.

Yea showmeurmoves I do the same thing at bars, no girl quite measures up you know what I mean? But good friends help (they hated her so they always make me laugh when I'm down) one of my biggest fears is that when I start my new job I won't talk to her again, and I'm going to catch crap for this because I know you guys stress no contact but it will feel like I lost a best friend. We were friends before we were dating (I met her through a different girl I was seeing 3 years ago) and it's like I'm going to lose not just a good girl, but a good friend too. I guess that's her call though

Im not saying don't ever be friends with her. Not right now man, you still love her so much that being friends with her only hurts you. Do this for you not for her. It will get easier as day pass by but you need to do it. Yea my friends hated her to, but doesn't seem to matter what they say about her, doesn't change the feeling I have for her. I kind of know what you mean, my ex was living with me so it was hard to do things on my own without her. Sleeping in the same bed where she used to lay in used to hurt me. I got so used of having her around, She was the first person I see in the morning and the last at night so it was really hard for me to move on and accepting the fact that it was really over. I did what you did I begged and begged but same thing didn't change her feelings. Many people here say do no contact It was hard but then when I start it my healing process really began. I was in so much pain that txting her only breaks my heart cause I want more then I she can give. Now look she is coming back wanting to work us out. I just keep ignoring her, as much as I want to take her back I know logically I can't cause I know I won't be able to take the next pain if she ever do break it off again. Just let her know that YOu 2 can't be friends yet. And once you are fully healed then you can be friends again, but your feelings and mindset would be different. Heal first, deal with this first, focus on yourself first before you can be friends.

Good advice man, our stories our kind of similar in a way. We lived together for 3 straight years, had 4 pets together the whole bit. Now I wake up and go to sleep in that bed just like you. I really can't wait until I can go no contact it seems like that's the only way to heal... maybe that's why this breakup is harder to deal with than my past ones because in the past it was no contact right away. Oh well. If you need a good ear man I imagine I'll be on this site a lot in the coming months feel free to talk

So a small update, I decided to out in 2 weeks notice today at our place of work. I'll be OK financially until the new job starts and there is no need to drag out this misery seeing her everyday. I feel really good about it and can't wait for no contact to start. I want to leave her with an impression on my last night though, what that says I care, but on a "I'll see you around" kind of note. Any suggestions or should I not say or anything special?

Good decision re job.
Just be yourself,say your goodbye and leave-ad lib it when the time comes.

Ad-lib, as in wing it? I'm thinking of just saying if I don't see you, take care of yourself, give her a hug and start a new chapter in my life. Hopefully the healing begins

Improvise.

What you just wrote sounds pretty good to me.

Start the healing now by doing things for yourself,treat yourself-do something new.

One day at the time.

Thanks amicon... I'm going to update once the NC starts, it will probably be hard at first I imagine.

You're welcome.
NC is tough,but you're already getting used to not texting,emailing etc so that'll probably work in your favour.

Come back whenever you need to.
Best of luck to you.

Hey, so there has been some minor developments, and they have set me back for one, second I don't really know what to make of them.
I sent her a Facebook message to her inbox, a long one, just basically saying everything I wanted to get off my chest before I left work and possibly never saw her again. I told her I hate what has happened between us, and the couple we became isn't ever what I had in mind for us. Anyway I said if she thought things could ever be different, who knows, look me up one day. To this she replied "i dont know how ill feel in the future, right now i am happier than i have been in a while, but i really want to be friends". I said that hurts but OK, if your ever ready to hang out as friends, let me know (I know this was a mistake, we'll get back to this). She than asked if I would be interested in seeing her new apartment on may 1st when she moves. I told her I looked forward to it. Not 2 seconds after I sent that message, she sends another one asking if I work this weekend and if I'm interested in taking our dog out for a walk with her". Its like that one message made me happier, yet more upset and confused at the same time. Yea I'm happy she wants to hang out, and I can only assume she changed her mind so quickly to wanting to hang out this weekend is a good sign that she misses me or something. But I think if it works out and she does call me to walk the dog it would be a huge mistake. I still have a ton of feelings for her, and I still have to see her until April 6th almost everyday at work, and I think it would just make everything harder for me if I actually went out with her as friends. You know, come to think of it, I'm almost looking forward to No contact because I think it will bring her back to me in some way... which is the wrong reason for initiating it. My heart hurts, my head hurts, I'm confused, and I'm madly in love with someone I can't have. Feel like I'm losing my mind help desk!

See how the confusion escalates and the heartache increases tenfold when you up the contact?

Your best bet is minimum contact till you can go no contact.

Your right amicon, and I knew that before I initiated the Facebook messages... I just didn't want to feel like I didn't try, you know what I mean? Like yea the break up was messy in some parts, but we do not hate each other, and given how hard the circumstances are at work we have managed to be pretty polite/decent to each other. I just wanted her to know where I stood on things between us one last time. Another thing I forgot to mention was when getting back together was brought up, she said "i dont know how ill feel in the future, im just to afraid that if we do it right now it will go back to the way it was"... does that mean she's open to the idea? I hate myself for even starting this messaging because now your right I'm just more confused than I was before. I don't even have her as a friend on there anymore but its nothing to type her name at the top and bring her page up, which I find myself doing in my darkest hours. 1 1/2 weeks till no contact can start, I don't know how I'm going to do this :(