So my girlfriend was having a tough time with school, she started getting depressed and snapping at me all the time. I eventually told her I was sick of this and within a few weeks of that she said she wanted to break up to sort herself out. I was mad at this so told her not to call me again. She did of course and I ignored all her calls and texts.

She rang yesterday a LOT of times and since Id cooled down a lot and had some time to think since we've been apart I decided to pick up. She was in tears on the phone 'I made a huge mistake and I really want you back'

I said I didn't know if this was possible, I explained when you have problems you don't break up and run away to deal with them on your own. She said she didn't want to put me through her bad behaviour anymore so it was for the best. I said that I was unsure if I could give her another chance to break my heart again, she begged and begged. I said goodbye. She called me up again today and begged again.

Now my mum is away from next weekend for 2 weeks. She would always pretty much move in and keep my company while my mum was gone. I said we need to talk in person about this if anything is going to happen. Now she's at school Monday to Thursday and she is home Friday through Sunday.

She said she'd come over like she usually would next weekend when my mums away. I said why not see me this weekend and we can talk then. She said no, id rather come over next weekend like I was supposed to, this is the first time you've answered my calls in over 5 weeks so I don't want to rush things. So I told her I'd let her know whether she could come to talk next weekend or not.

Do you think Im trying to rush things by having her come this weekend? Or should I wait until next weekend and she can come like she was supposed to?

I do have a tendency to rush things, but Ive always been the type of person that wants to solve things right here and now. If I do wait until next week, I won't be contacting her again until I see her. Im not open to discuss anything over the phone, only to arrange a time to meet.

Thanks

I think, if you both do want to meet, that you should wait until the next weekend.

She's right, this isn't something you should rush back into. Give it another week, hopefully her emotions will settle a bit before then, and you'll both be thinking clearer.

Make sure this is something you want as well and you're not just doing this because she's begging you. If you were truly sick of her snapping and other issues and you don't think that things will be different the second time around then just be honest with her.

But like I said, I'd wait another week, you really don't want to rush back into anything. Take things slow and make sure the lines of communication are open and you're both willing to make some changes so history doesn't just repeat itself!

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Originally Posted by AmericanGirl01

I think, if you both do want to meet, that you should wait until the next weekend.

She's right, this isn't something you should rush back into. Give it another week, hopefully her emotions will settle a bit before then, and you'll both be thinking clearer.

Make sure this is something you want as well and you're not just doing this because she's begging you. If you were truely sick of her snapping and other issues and you don't think that things will be different the second time around then just be honest with her.

But like I said, I'd wait another week, you really don't want to rush back into anything. Take things slow and make sure the lines of communication are open and you're both willing to make some changes so history doesn't just repeat itself!

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Ah, glad to get another opinion on that, thanks.

Honestly me, she's home this evening, Id go round and talk it out tonight haha.

I always seem to rush things, I just figure why do it tomorrow when you can do it today. I just don't want her calling all the shots 'I'll see you next weekend'

I also don't want to look too eager so you're right, I'll wait until next weekend.

I'll listen to what she has to say and I'll say all of the things that are on my mind and then I'll make a decision upon whether I want to go back.

Ive never been in a situation like this before so Im not sure how to go about things. If we do decide to get back together, do we get slowly back into the swing of things and not rush anything, kind of like going back to the beginning, dating then slowly working up to the relationship?

Thanks

Why are you questioning yourself if you rush or not!
She's crazy or what? The girl wants you back and she wants to dictate everything.If she's so desperate to have you she shouldn't even choose when you'll meet.
I don't know if you should or not go back to her but she shouldn't dictate anything, she isn't supposed to start like that.

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Originally Posted by mistyjane

Why are you questioning yourself if you rush or not!
She's crazy or what? the girl wants you back and she wants to dictate everything.If she's so desparate to have you she shouldn't even choose when you'll meet.
I don't know if you should or not go back to her but she shouldn't dictate anything, she isn't supposed to start like that.

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That's what I figured,

She's begging for me. I should be calling the shots and saying when to meet right?

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Originally Posted by itsyerboi

Thats what I figured,

Shes begging for me. I should be calling the shots and saying when to meet right?

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You do what you want but I would not be happy that someone who first dumped me (for no reason)and now wants me back would tell me "meet me where i want when i want".This must be a joke :eek:

While I agree she should definitely not be calling the shots, I definitely still think meeting next weekend WOULD be better than this weekend... just for the sole reason you shouldn't rush into anything.

Maybe just tell her you'll think about things this week and let her know if you're able to meet next weekend. During the week, I would do some serious thinking!

I appreciate what you guys are saying. What's bugging me is, she broke up with me, now she's asking for me back. I said lets meet this weekend and she's pretty much saying I'll have to wait until next weekend because SHE doesn't want to rush.

I don't want to rush but I feel like Im giving HER the chance to reconcile so if I suggest meeting this weekend, I expected her to jump at the opportunity, if Im being honest.

We could talk this weekend, then have a think about things all through the week and then decide upon another meeting next weekend if its successful.

Well well,

I just called her and said I'd like to meet this weekend. She said no wait until next week. I asked why and again she said I don't want to rush things.

I said I'm not happy with how this is going, you broke up with me, you've asked for me back and now you've set the time when we'll meet. She said yeah but you agreed to it at first. I said again its all on your terms.

Lets meet this weekend and talk since you're not busy. She replied, Im telling you I don't want to. I said you're going to have to give a little, I want to meet this weekend, you don't. You want to meet next weekend, maybe I don't. She said well don't bother then.

I said if you wanted me back as much as you say you do, you'd jump at the chance to meet me.

She then stated, you don't know what Im going through, how hard this is for me, blah blah.

I told her to stop the self pity and she said, this is just like you, its going smoothly and you jolt it up by making a fuss?

Then she hung up.

How am I making a fuss by asking to see her on my terms in my time for a change?

She broke up with me all on her terms.

Wow, how irritating! Is she kidding??

So, basically, she decides when she's had enough of the relationship, then she decides also when you're going to forgive her and take her back?

This girl sounds like a major control freak that doesn't know what she wants. She says you don't know what she's going through, how hard this is for her. She broke up with you. It's not your job to worry about how hard this must be for her.

She is not behaving like someone who feels very sorry and regrets her decision to break up with you.

Hahahaha.. Listen friend. Don't fool yourself. There is a reason she wants to wait til the next weekend and it's not to prevent rushing into anything. She said she wanted you back on the phone. So, what if you had said yes at that time? Would she have then said "wait, I don't want to rush into anything". Dude, you are being played! She wants to wait til the next weekend bcoz she already has other plans this weekend. My advice is to tell her the ride is over. Time to get off!

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Originally Posted by AmericanGirl01

Wow, how irritating! Is she kidding????

So, basically, she decides when she's had enough of the relationship, then she decides also when you're going to forgive her and take her back?

This girl sounds like a major control freak that doesn't know what she wants. She says you dont know what she's going through, how hard this is for her. She broke up with you. It's not your job to worry about how hard this must be for her.

She is not behaving like someone who feels very sorry and regrets her decision to break up with you.

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She said I agreed to see her next week so why am I making a fuss and changing it now. I said yeah AGREED and now Ive decided I want to talk this weekend and you won't budge. If you cared about getting me back why wouldn't you give a little. She said 'ive told you I'll see you next week because I don't want to rush'

I said to her, its all about you and what you want. She replied, how is it?

I don't know what to do now. I don't feel I'm in the wrong either. I asked for this weekend, she said no next weekend because that's what she wants.

Im already taking a chance on her, she dumped ME once, who says she won't do it again.

Im not calling her back.

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Originally Posted by im2fast4uj

Hahahaha.. Listen friend. Don't fool yourself. There is a reason she wants to wait til the next weekend and it's not to prevent rushing into anything. She said she wanted you back on the phone. So, what if you had said yes at that time? Would she have then said "wait, I don't want to rush into anything". Dude, you are being played! She wants to wait til the next weekend bcoz she already has other plans this weekend. My advice is to tell her the ride is over. Time to get off!

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Ah, she doesn't have plans at the weekends. None of her friends live at home anymore, they're all at school too, she just sits in at home on weekends or is at mine.

But what she's doing is what she did often during the relationship. I'll see you on 'insert day' because that's when I want to see you.

She did this once or twice before she broke up while she was home from school for a couple weeks. I said I wanted to see her mid week and she said 'i'll see you on the weekend. I said, but I want to see you Wednesday and she said the same crap. I want to talk throughout the week (she means by phone) and if everything is good, I will come and see you on the weekend.

Its all totally her rules.

But yeah she said this time she wants to see me next weekend because she was due to come over and kind of stay for the two weeks then anyway.

Women go through a lot of hormone changes throughout their lives. When you're young it's PMS and all sorts of mood changes'

Has she dated anyone else? Have you? Seems she picked up on your bad moods and dropped the gauntlet before you did.

If you love each other give yourselves time to find each other again.
She doesn't seem like a bad person to me. You on the the other hand seem impatient. Good Luck!:)

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Women go through a lot of hormone changes throughout their lives. When you're young it's PMS and all sorts of mood changes'

Has she dated anyone else? Have you? Seems she picked up on your bad moods and dropped the gauntlet before you did.

If you love each other give yourselves time to find each other again.
She doesn't seem like a bad person to me. You on the the other need to be patient. Good Luck!:)

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While I understand what you're saying about hormones. I disagree on MY bad moods.

Its very rare that my mood changes, it was her who was having the bad moods and I called her on them. I'd say one thing she didn't agree with and she'd blow up. She said she'd stop but kept doing it. I tried to be patient but it didn't change so I told her again, STOP it please. She then dumped me, said it was better for us both.

What I don't like is the fact that everything seems to be on her terms. I always has seemed like if I go along with all of her things, everything is fine. As soon as I say something that she isn't happy with, then things aren't fine and Im the bad guy.

While I don't want to rush. I asked for a meeting this weekend and she wouldn't even CONSIDER it because SHE wants to meet next weekend and that's that.

I realise while I type this how petty Im sounding. Im not going to put myself in that situation again. I don't like conflict so I'll just end up going NC again.

Ps, neither of us have dated anybody else.

She actually said on the phone while she was crying, 'im sooo scared you'll meet somebody else'

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Originally Posted by itsyerboi

While I understand what you're saying about hormones. I disagree on MY bad moods.

Its very rare that my mood changes, it was her who was having the bad moods and I called her on them. I'd say one thing she didnt agree with and she'd blow up. She said she'd stop but kept doing it. I tried to be patient but it didnt change so I told her again, STOP it please. She then dumped me, said it was better for us both.

What I dont like is the fact that everything seems to be on her terms. I always has seemed like if I go along with all of her things, everything is fine. As soon as I say something that she isnt happy with, then things arent fine and Im the bad guy.

While I dont wanna rush. I asked for a meeting this weekend and she wouldnt even CONSIDER it because SHE wants to meet next weekend and thats that.

I realise while I type this how petty Im sounding. Im not gonna put myself in that situation again. I dont like conflict so I'll just end up going NC again.

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No you don't sound petty. Just give yourself time and when you two are together again, see how she acts! You seem to be a nice guy since you haven't called her ugly names or berated her moral character. That says a whole lot about you! Give it time and treat her the way you want to be treated.

If she hasn't changed maybe you two have out grown each other. It happens and I commend you for being a gentleman!:)

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

No you don't sound petty. Just give yourself time and when you two are together again, see how she acts! You seem to be a nice guy since you haven't called her ugly names or berated her moral character. That says a whole lot about you! Give it time and treat her the way you want to be treated.

If she hasn't changed maybe you two have out grown each other. It happens and I commend you for being a gentleman!:)

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Thanks, I appreciate it.

Oh no, Id never dream of speaking in bad light of her. Ive no need. Im just trying to be fair for the both of us. Trying to set it up so its give and take from both sides.

I also understand what she's going through but Im also trying to help her help herself by not making excuses about her problems. Rather than dwell on them, having a positive attitude is the best way to rid them.

We can only see what happens when we meet.

I in the mean time will practice my patience. I really hate conflict, but I know Rome wasn't built in a day, everybody needs time right.

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Originally Posted by itsyerboi

Thanks, i appreciate it.

Oh no, Id never dream of speaking in bad light of her. Ive no need. Im just trying to be fair for the both of us. Trying to set it up so its give and take from both sides.

I also understand what she's going through but Im also trying to help her help herself by not making excuses about her problems. Rather than dwell on them, having a positive attitude is the best way to rid them.

We can only see what happens when we meet.

I in the mean time will practice my patience. I really hate conflict, but I know Rome wasnt built in a day, everybody needs time right.

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You are doing the right thing. She's very lucky to have someone like you! Who knows what will happen? I think she will meet you halfway if you sit down with her and explain how she makes you feel sometimes.

You two have a chance at a great future if she is willing to admit
She needs to be more understanding and you need to be more patient. Good Luck Young Man:)

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Originally Posted by itsyerboi

What I dont like is the fact that everything seems to be on her terms. I always has seemed like if I go along with all of her things, everything is fine. As soon as I say something that she isnt happy with, then things arent fine and Im the bad guy.

While I dont wanna rush. I asked for a meeting this weekend and she wouldnt even CONSIDER it because SHE wants to meet next weekend and thats that.

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If you're both willing to talk it out then there's no reason why the meeting can't still be the next weekend as originally planned. You'll both be free that weekend anyway so there's no good reason why you need to rush it.

You mention that she usually exerts a lot of "control" in the relationship and you're not happy with that. You wanting to change the meeting to a week earlier seems to deal more with giving you a way to regain control than with being the type of person who wants to resolve things quickly, as you say you are.Assuming she's being honest about the reason (to take things slowly), you are creating an unnecessary power struggle.

Bottom line is, she reached out to you and you decided to give it a second chance... but you still mention misgivings like whether she might dump you again. If you two are already creating a disagreement out of when to meet to repair your relationship, maybe that extra week's time is a good opportunity to rethink the decision.

Listen.

You made a very good decision by going NC.

Then she reeled you back in.

And making meeting demands. What a joke.

I would use your gut, man. Not sure someone can change after 5 weeks.

After all, if she was committed, she wouldn't need 5 weeks to figure it out.

Sounds like you could be in for a world of hurt if you lose control here.

Her reasons don't sound true. Anyone that begs, I got to question their insecure motives.

Wait until you all have the weekend together and you will see if you want to continue this relationship!

Women sometimes do need a break, that doesn't mean she cares less about you.

Talk and discuss where you want to go with this. Ask her questions about things that have been hurting you. Let her tell you the things that have been bothering her.

Don't write her off until you talk.:)

Caring is one thing being able to be in a relationship is another.

Go ahead, have that talk. Curious to hear.

Before, think about what you have learned in the past 5 weeks about yourself. What it is you want.

You have a wonderful weekend and keep us posted. You are a nice guy and I hope she realizes that! Blessings:)

To be honest, I have never gone back with someone who has dumped me instead of at least trying to solve things together. I can see backing off, and cooling off, then talking to see if there can be a resolution. But breaking up because things are rough, sorry, no way. I would disappear, and be done.

I think it would only be by phone only until we have an agreement that solves the problem, and I get convinced she is ready to drop the BS, and is for real. I think she wants to get back with you, just so she has something else to do. Or until she does find something else to do. And that's not reason enough to try again in my book.

She would have to do a lot more talking, and less begging, for me to even consider changing my mind. You're a better guy than me, because I don't trust the begging at all.

Ok maybe I over exaggerated the use of the word begging.

She was crying on the phone and said Ive really made a mistake and I want you back. I think the tears just made it seem more intense. Probably because I haven't answer a single phone call from her in over 5 weeks.

She did also say during that conversation, I only want you back if we talk and things are going to change. We'll see how it goes before we make any final decisions.

I trust that her motives aren't regarding having nobody. She's very attractive physically and is never short of an offer. Mainly from the type of guy who wants a quick roll in the hay but that's by the by. I too get plenty of offers but in my eyes, you can't just go off and be with somebody else, just like that.

I guess I'll just proceed with caution for now and as you say, let her do all the talking.

As for the power thing, I think you're right. By rearranging the time and in doing so creating a fuss, I guess I am possibly only doing it to regain back some of that power. Which of course, is not going to set us off to a good start.

I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on and be more easy going.

As for talaniman suggesting talking it out on the phone long before meeting, would this be a better option?

I read a couple of posts here before I wrote this one and many times people have suggested to others that they need to meet and talk in person. I assumed this was a better option than talking on the phone?

Thanks

I also want to add too. She tried over a couple of months or so to sort things out. This was during the time that she kept snapping. I kind of hurried her and said this is taking too long and you're still snapping at me. She said something like, if that's the way you're going to be on, then just finish it now.

Ive shown little patience on more than one occasion...

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Originally Posted by itsyerboi

Ah, she doesnt have plans at the weekends. None of her friends live at home anymore, they're all at school too, she just sits in at home on weekends or is at mine.

but what shes doing is what she did often during the relationship. I'll see you on 'insert day' because thats when I want to see you.

She did this once or twice before she broke up while she was home from school for a couple weeks. I said I wanted to see her mid week and she said 'i'll see you on the weekend. I said, but I wanna see you wednesday and she said the same crap. I wanna talk throughout the week (she means by phone) and if everything is good, I will come and see you on the weekend.

Its all totally her rules.

But yeah she said this time she wants to see me next weekend cos she was due to come over and kinda stay for the two weeks then anyway.

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Well you know her better than I, but I'm not buying it. I stick to my initial assessment that she has plans. In either case. I wish you the best.

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Originally Posted by im2fast4uj

Well you know her better than I, but I'm not buying it. I stick to my initial assessment that she has plans. In either case. I wish you the best.

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By this weekend I actually meant last night, since she was home early afternoon yesterday.

I already asked to meet yesterday and she said no. She clearly wasn't busy because when I called her last night her mum said I think she's in bed but I'll go check she's still awake. She was in bed but awake so then I asked why we hadn't met tonight and said she she'd already told me she didn't want to. I then asked about the rest of the weekend since she's not doing anything, she still said no. If she's going to sit in her pajamas and have no other reason not to see me other than because she says no, well no means no.

So I guess it'll just be next weekend.

I have plans this weekend, I'm going to meet with a few friends on Saturday evening. Im not sitting round waiting, we'll just see what happens.

Thanks

Sound pretty fishy to me that she just call you and said she made a mistake breaking it off. NC is a roller coaster ride. Sometime you have weak moment and cannot control yourself anymore, maybe this is just to ease her pain. Just don't get your hope up too much. Good luck.

It would seem that she still has control, and still sets the pace, and nothing you can do about it but cave to her "wishes". Maybe you need 5 more weeks of NC.

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She actually said on the phone while she was crying, 'I'm sooo scared you'll meet somebody else'

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Now that she knows she is back in control, things have already gone back to what she wants, when she wants it and screw what you want. So the whole idea was to make sure you haven't moved on.

That's why since your going to go this route, talking on the phone would be your better option, because you will cave like a wimp with her in person for a weekend.

That's why you won't see her this weekend, because she is just letting you stew in your own juice for a while longer, and you will be a lot more pliable having thought of her for an extra week. Amazing how she can stick to her guns, and take it slow, and you go along.

For you being her first boyfriend, she definitely knows how to handle you. To bad your not as skilled as she is and maybe should have told her forget this try again stuff. Get on the phone and change the plan, before you get dumped again, as even though face to face talking is probably best, not in your case, your to impatient, and at least over the phone her perfume won't cloud your mind.

She wants to take it slow, give her what she asked for and see if she is sincere, before you get all those old intense feelings back, because for sure she will be all charm and smiles in person.

Listen to the old guy and don't fall for that okey doke, youngster.

Take the advice you've been given.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

It would seem that she still has control, and still sets the pace, and nothing you can do about it but cave to her "wishes". Maybe you need 5 more weeks of NC.


Now that she knows she is back in control, things have already gone back to what she wants, when she wants it and screw what you want. So the whole idea was to make sure you haven't moved on.

Thats why since your going to go this route, talking on the phone would be your better option, because you will cave like a wimp with her in person for a weekend.

Thats why you won't see her this weekend, because she is just letting you stew in your own juice for a while longer, and you will be a lot more pliable having thought of her for an extra week. Amazing how she can stick to her guns, and take it slow, and you go along.

For you being her first boyfriend, she definitely knows how to handle you. To bad your not as skilled as she is and maybe should have told her forget this try again stuff. Get on the phone and change the plan, before you get dumped again, as even though face to face talking is probably best, not in your case, your to impatient, and at least over the phone her perfume won't cloud your mind.

She wants to take it slow, give her what she asked for and see if she is sincere, before you get all those old intense feelings back, because for sure she will be all charm and smiles in person.

Listen to the old guy and don't fall for that okey doke, youngster.

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Thanks I appreciate it.

Could you just expand on a couple points for me please,

By get on the phone and change the plan, do you mean say I don't want to see her at the weekend, I'd rather talking things out over the phone for now?

Is it bad that I'm impatient(of course it is in a general sense) but I mean in this situation?

I don't think I'll cave as easy as you might think. If I'm being treated like this all on her rules, if I don't stop it now it won't ever stop. I didn't cave when I decided to ignore her contact for 5 weeks.

So my best option is to go real slow and see if she's sincere?

Ps, this isn't her first boyfriend. She had a previous one who over 3 years cheated on her many times and she took him back. She's 22 and Im 23. I don't want to be treat like somebodys puppy dog, especially not while Im young and there are other options.

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Could you just expand on a couple points for me please,
By get on the phone and change the plan, do you mean say I don't wanna see her at the weekend, I'd rather talking things out over the phone for now?

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Absolutely, because your rushing back to her arms with barely a whimper, and thats not good because you're not listening to her, finding out what she really wants (besides stopping you from moving on), or honestly expressing yourself, or sticking up for yourself, if you feel you're right. I hope you talk extensively for a while before you get back face to face and especially not over a weekend.

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Is it bad that I'm impatient(of course it is in a general sense) but i mean in this situation?

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Its a disaster, since you are choosing to ignore several red flags, the biggest being why she dumped you in the first place. You also ignore you have solved nothing so far, nor really talked about a solution. Instead your going right back to a familiar pattern of behavior, because thats what she wants.

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I don't think I'll cave as easy as you might think. If I'm being treated like this all on her rules, if I don't stop it now it wont ever stop. I didn't cave when I decided to ignore her contact for 5 weeks.

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You didn't heal either as if what you have written is accurate, when you did talk to her you caved then, so those 5 weeks meant nothing. Again, what has really changed?

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So my best option is to go real slow and see if she's sincere?

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Your best option was to take your freedom, and heal, and then see how you felt, and 5 weeks wasn't enough. But you open the door again, and she has already made sure it stays open, and your going along with her program again, just like before.

You talk tough, but your actions are not matching your words.

Yeah talk to her only over the phone, and see if she is willing to share some control with you, and see how she reacts when she can't get her way. Then you will truly know where her head is, and if she has truly changed her attitude, I don't think so.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

I threw this one in as it applies to exes, as well as strangers.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.
Has she proven anything to you yet??

Phone only, until she does, or you will be back with more confusion, than you have now.

Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about here.

I'll update this post when the situation goes further.

In the mean time, I'll talk on the phone and watch out for those red flags you mentioned.

Thanks again

Good Luck!

Go back to NC

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Go back to NC

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While I understand why you would suggest this, I feel doing that will only prolong this situation. If I disappear for another couple of months and she come back again wanting to give it another go, I'd rather have take then opportunity now and if it doesn't work this time, I'll call it a day.

I just need to proceed with caution. I don't have high expectations, as to not set myself up for failure. By nature Im impatient but Im going to try extra hard to let this take its course and monitor her behaviour to see if its changed.

Maybe it will work. Be strong!

Up to you, man.

We've said our peace.

Did you read all of the stickies Tal offered up?