Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years, and our relationship had issues lately that caused us to take a break from seeing or talking to each other for 2 weeks. Mainly I noticed that she was starting to distant herself and she seemed very unhappy.

Some background information she has two siblings one in college and one in high school, her parents live out of the country and she has to take care of her brother and sister, my girlfriend is 25. This situation started about a year ago and we spend most of our time running errands and taking care of her siblings. My girlfriend has to cook every night and tell her little sister to do homework and go to bed, basically she has to play the role of their mother.

I have tried to help her anyway I can by helping her with chores or trying to give her a back rub whenever she feels very tired just trying to cheer her up when she is down.

The night we started our break she told me that she was not happy with our relationship and career. She said that she found that we are not so compatible. She said I wasn't as ambitous as she would like, I didn't have a great interest in news/current events and that she did not like my sense of humor. I try to tell her I though that the stress of having to take care of her siblings everyday and her career dilemma was causing stress on our relationship but she explained that if 2 people are compatible we can be doing anything and still enjoy each other.

So we agreed to take a break, and during that time I realized that I was too centered on her life and that I needed to get my own life back but I also realized that I love this girl and I want her to be part of my life.

So we talked and I explained to her what I said above and she shared with me a bunch of things we need to work on our relationship and we decided to work on it together instead of just having no contact.

Its just recently I find out from a mutual friend that my girlfriend felt that she was settling with me, that she know she should not focus on the flaws she sees in me and focus on the good but she feels that is just giving up. That if she can do that what is stopping her from having a relationship from anyone? She said she is just really confused right now that her head and heart are not in same place.

I don't know what to do, especially since I love this girl. I feel the distant still between us and it hurts like crazy. It has only been 3 days since we decided to stay together and take things slow and I know I should give it time, I don't know if we should keep working at this or just walk away.

I think you really need to talk to her. You're not going to get anywhere by sitting there guessing how she feels and where her heads at. The relationship isn't going to work a second time around if you can't communicate with each other and really be honnest about where you're at.

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Originally Posted by AmericanGirl01

I think you really need to talk to her. You're not going to get anywhere by sitting there guessing how she feels and where her heads at. The relationship isn't going to work a second time around if you can't communicate with eachother and really be honnest about where you're at.

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At the same time, you can't be too forceful, that will push someone who is in the state she is in to push away.

No of course not, I wouldn't suggest being forceful.

However, sitting down and having a good talk about how they feel is far better than guessing. Keeping the lines of communication open is essential if you're trying to make a relationship work, especially after a break.

She has no problems sharing with me her thoughts on her career but when it comes to her feelings about me or our relationship she is not so open. I have asked her many times before we went on a break if there was something wrong and not forcefully either. I tell her that I am here to listen and she can share with me whenever she felt up to it but she never does. It was just that night when it became too tense that she spilled all that about how she felt we were incompatible.

Honestly even if she shared with me I do not know how to help our relationship. I try to tell her that a relationship is more about commitment and not about feelings. Feelings come and go. She argues the fact that if its about commitment then we can have a relationship with anyone and I can't find fault with that answer.

Bottom line is I know she has lost interest in me and I am not sure how to rise that interest again.

Relationships should be as close to 50/50 as possible It really sounds to me like you are doing most of the work in this relationship. You have to both want this to work and be willing to fight for it.

She doesn't like your sense of humor. Are you really willing to completely change your sense of humor? (I don't even know how you would go about doing this.. ) It's just who you are, she either accepts that or she doesn't.

I know it's hard because you love her, but it really doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, perhaps she has just lost interest. You can't force her to be interested in you again, and you can't force this relationship to work. If you feel she's worth really fighting for, just take things slow and see what happens. Make sure you keep yourself occupied outside the relationship. It's important to have a social life outside your significant other.

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So we agreed to take a break, and during that time I realized that I was too centered on her life and that I needed to get my own life back but I also realized that I love this girl and I want her to be part of my life.

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May I suggest more balance in your life. Focus on your own interests, and hobbies, and career, and less on her, and what she is doing. That will either give her enough time away from you to miss, and appreciate you, and be glad to see you, or convince her that she is wasting her time, and wants to try other things.

She maybe right, you two may not be compatible, but stay together from lack of better options.

The biggest compatibility issue she brought up was the sense of humor one. But for two years we had a great time together. We were together during christmas away from her siblings and we had a great time. I just feel like a lot of her issues with our relationship stems from stress from her responsibilities of having to take care of her siblings and finding a career path.

She even said that she felt she really enjoyed my humor during christmas.

But I know its fruitless trying to say all this because really there is nothing I can do. Its up to her, its her choice. We are together but I am not sure if I should be wasting our time since I feel like she is not trying to work at our relationship. Again I know its only been 3 days since we decided to get back together and work it out.

Trust me, it takes a lot longer than 3 days to make changes, and adjustments. Patience, as things will work the way they work. That's always the way between people, because feelings are subject to change anytime.

You have already seen that.

Thanks for the advice, sometimes your head knows the answers but your heart is pulling in the other direction. I will remind myself to be patient, work on my life and love her if she wants to accept my love.

She sounds like a fault finder. With one leg out the door.

Don't be the guy that has to grow into what she wants.
Nip this in the bud asap. Talk honestly & seriously about your future together. Don't spare.

Personally, Im funny, smart, attractive, career minded. Cool.
And wasn't good enough for my girlfriend. Amongst HER busyness. Silly me.

Start looking at her attributes & decide. If SHE is what you want.

She's got to do the same. Or maybe doing it already. See how you fit in.

My girlfriend told me a few days ago she is scared she might be pregnant. This is because she has had irregular periods two months in a row. In February she said her period was pink and in March she described her period as "dry", I guess as in the blood was brown.

We have always had protected sex, I use a condom and pull out every time.

In Feb and March we have only had sex 2 times, once each month. The time in March was the night she told me she though she might be pregnant.

What are the chances she is pregnant and is it too early to take a home pregnancy test?

If her period's been irregular for two months, and she thinks she's that far along, then she can take a home test.

I must say, you seem to have a very good relationship if you're that comfortable discussing her periods.

We are just very comfortable with each other when it comes to sexuality.

BTW, "pulling out" is NOT a way to keep a girl from getting pregnant.

I withdraw and wear a condom every time. But I know the only sure way is to not have sex.

Sounds like its time for a pregnancy test. Only way to know for sure.

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Originally Posted by jadedrsx

I withdraw and wear a condom everytime.

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Withdrawing is not birth control.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Withdrawing is not birth control.

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OK thanks but I am looking for advice on what are the chances my girlfriend is pregnant based on her symptons and our actions not how to have safe sex. Your posts just come off as judgmental to me and if that is not your point then I am sorry but little comments like these I do not need.

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Originally Posted by jadedrsx

oK thanks but I am looking for advice on what are the chances my gf is pregnant based on her symptons and our actions not how to have safe sex. Your posts just come off as judgmental to me and if that is not your point then I am sorry but little comments like these I do not need.

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I'm not being judgmental at all. Your posts indicate that you believe pulling out and withdrawing are forms of birth control. They are not. By then it's too late. I figured you may have sex again someday, and this would be a good thing to know.

We here in Cyberland have no clue if your girlfriend is pregnant or not. You've gotten good advice on how to find out.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm not being judgmental at all. Your posts indicate that you believe pulling out and withdrawing are forms of birth control. They are not.

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I always wear a condom along with withdrawing. I was trying to say I practice both every time we have sex and I do not believe withdrawing only is birth control.

Hello Jadedrsx,

The only way to find out is to have her take a pregnancy test. We can't tell you if she is or isn't.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and recently she got angry with me. This was about a week ago. To this day I have not figured out why she was angry with me because she goes into the silent mode. She will be cold to me and barely speak, you know the type.

So I try to get her to speak to me about it by asking what's wrong? Are you mad with me? She would say no, and no I'm not mad. So I learned that I usually need to ask more than once so I texted her when I dropped her off at home and said "if you have something bothering you, you should share with me so we can work it out" She texted me back saying I was being needy and that wasn't her type.

Ok so I had no idea she felt that way or that I was acting that way but I got the point and I left her alone, only problem was we had planned a weekend trip out of town and this happened 2 nights before the trip.

So she acts like nothing happened but still cold to me until we go on the trip we were with her family. Things were getting better until we got lost on the drive out of town and she was giving me directions while I drove and she told me to turn left, but I couldn't get over into the left lane and make the turn and she said in a negative tone, "what are you doing why aren't you doing what I told you" I just told her sorry and I will just turn around, I didn't listen well trying to drive and listen at the same time.

So I was pretty upset she got so offensive about it and when we got back to the hotel I let her know that "I am sorry I didn't listen well and I miss your directions but please you dont have to get so upset and talk to me that way."

She got defensive and said I didn't talk to you in a bad way, I as frustrated that we were lost not at you. I just said well then you don't need to use such a negative tone and say it like that, you could say oh that was the turn, make a u-turn and turn there, not why are you not listening. She just kept being defensive and didn't think she did anything bad, that she wasn't mean to me. At that time her mom walked into the room so we couldn't finish our talk but I didn't know what to say anymore anyway so I went to sleep.

Next day she apologizes for last night and to not let it ruin my trip so we had a good time the next day but during the trip back I do not know what happened since she drove and I was asleep but when I woke up she seem upset again and acting cold to me again and when I woke up we were home so I leave and she just said bye.

So I don't know what is going on, I wish I did cause I want to try to save this relationship, but how do I not come across needy or if I am even being needy? How do you get a silent person to open up without them getting annoyed at you for trying to get them to talk?

In my experience when a person goes into the silent mode it for one of two reasons. Either they are wanting something from you, or are angry with you for some reason, that they feel unable to voice, and are expecting you to work it out. Hardly reasonable. You can't be expected to be psychic. Or they are stonewalling because they themselves are unable to deal with the emotions they are feeling at the moment and so shut down to disengage from the situtation temporarily.

It is very stressful to be on the receiving end of this and the natural reaction is to either badger until we find out what is going on or to feel angry and threatened ourselves so maybe we want to go off in a huff too.

A better strategy would be to say once, and once only, something like 'you don't seem happy is there anything you want to talk about?' If they don't open up then just say, 'Ok, but if you want to talk anytime I am here for you.' Then get on with something positive or enjoyable for yourself. You might not really feel like it but with practice it should prove better for you both. If someone is used to getting a lot of attention when they use the silent treatment they might find it upsetting at first. You might hear something like, 'you don't care... ' In which case just calmly say, 'of course I do, I'm just respecting your space at the moment but if you are ready to talk... '

If the silent treatment starts mid argument, then you might take a deep breath and say something like, 'ok this is getting a bit much for us both let's take a breather and when you are ready to discuss it further let me know.'

She either needs space to work out her feelings or she needs to learn that she has to say what is troubling her,not expect you to drag it out of her, or both.

Her closing down on you is making you chase her for answers all the time at the moment, which could well be at least part of what she perceives as needy.

She could be having PMS. Just a thought.

Why not just back off until she is ready to talk. And don't take her silence personally. Or her tone of voice, as people sometimes don't know how they may come off when they are angry, or frustrated.

I think your seeing that sometimes just waiting for the storm to pass is better than arguing.

Eventually you will define the rules of how to disagree.

Getting lost in a car is never a good time for relationship talk.
Hehehe.

"Eventually you will define the rules"

The most important thing is to listen. To everything.

So is this the same girl? Before it was your sense of humor, and now it is that you are needy? My feeling, and I have to put a disclaimer, they are superficial since I am not in there to observe the interactions between you, is that she is just not that into you, and finds every excuse to threaten the relationship. Just my two cents.

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Originally Posted by lifeistough75

So is this the same girl? before it was your sense of humor, and now it is that you are needy? My feeling, and I have to put a disclaimer, they are superficial since I am not in there to observe the interactions between you, is that she is just not that into you, and finds every excuse to threaten the relationship. Just my two cents.

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Yes this is the same girl I have had questions about before. I something's think the same thing that she is not that into me. But I feel in relationships there is always one person more committed than the other. But yeah her level sometimes I feel drops below that 50% mark.

But I have taken the advice of just leaving her alone and letting her take the initiative. We will see, tonight we are going out for dinner for my birthday, I will see what happens, I just going to enjoy the food.

So we just finished dinner and it was quite uneventful. Right off the bat I knew she was not happy, eyes wandering, lips sealed tight and bored body language.

I just tried to bring up light topics to lighten the mood, several times she brighten up but soon it would be the same uneasy mood again.

End of dinner she gives me a birthday present, which was really nice, a "Nook". We go back to my place and watch FireFly (Great show by the way). But still I knew there was something bothering her. So I drop her off at home and that was that.

I want to give her space but I also want to let her know by telling her I know something is wrong without getting that response before, where she told me I was being needy. What should I do? Should I just start with leaving her alone without a word or just talk to her first?

You got to talk.

Communicate, not second guess.

Let her know how you feel & how important is to her how she is feeling.

Nothing to be afraid of. Be honest & expect honesty back.

Listen. Then if there's an issue, discuss how to overcome it together.

I let her know that I was sensing something wrong between us and that she was not happy. But I also said I wasn't going to bug her about it and to take all the time and space she needed and that I would be ready to listen when she is ready to talk. We just see what happens now...

By the way is there a reason my questions all got merged into one thread? I know its all about the same person but it makes it hard for more people to read my individual questions and give me more responses.

Do you want informed advice with all the facts, or just a bunch of responses from those that have no facts?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you want informed advice with all the facts, or just a bunch of responses from those that have no facts?

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Informed of course, but I just thinking people will just see the thread as an ongoing discussion of the first question and not read everything, my experience with most forums, maybe not how it works here?

She sent me a message sayings "thanks for the kind words, I will wait and see if my bad feelings are real or an effect of PMS."

Which I can't make much sense of, but I don't know how much pms can really effect the mood of a woman. Wouldn't you know if it was pms or something else bothering you? I just feel its fishy.

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Originally Posted by jadedrsx

She sent me a msg sayings "thanks for the kind words, I will wait and see if my bad feelings are real or an effect of PMS."

Which I can't make much sense of, but I don't know how much pms can really effect the mood of a woman. Wouldn't you know if it was pms or something else bothering you? I just feel its fishy.

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I haven't had the opportunity to remember/read your whole situation, but I see your first about this was in March.

PMS doesn't last for months on end. She sounds indecisive and you should stick with no contact and find someone better for you.

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Originally Posted by CarrotTalker

I haven't had the opportunity to remember/read your whole situation, but I see your first about this was in March.

PMS doesn't last for months on end. She sounds indecisive and you should stick with no contact and find someone better for you.

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Yes our first drama started in March, but we managed to talk about it and work through that time. We have had a great relationship since April and its not until a week ago that we have had problems again.