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Hey just recently my girl friend just broke up with me.. she was my first love , never in my life I've felt this kind of pain. But few days after the break up she had text me saying I miss you or she says can you call me. Then when I ask her what she wants she says, she wants to take it slow. I don't know what to do,I want her then I don't. When I don't talk to her I fell OK, but once I talk to her I start feeling the pain over and over again. What should I do?
Maybe you shouldn't talk to her for awhile until this huge blow to your heart heals.
She can't hardly expect you to be OK with her after she dumped you. If she does want to take it slow.. If she does want to start over, then I think she can wait until your ready. If she doesn't want to wait.. then screw her :) She's just messing with your head.
Take this and memorize it. Talking to your ex makes you hurt.Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
It will still apply when you have lost your 3rd or 4th Big Love. The rules don't change... you just, hopefully, get better at seeing the signs and doing what is good for you, which isn't always what you want short term.
So... she broke up with you. Why? Any time a couple thinks about getting back together they'd better have this one covered... what was wrong and off track before, and how is that still not wrong and off track.
And missing somebody is not a good enough reason to get back together.
Often what happens when two people break up and then quickly reunite, they get back together because they don't like hurting, not because it's a good idea. The same old issues eventually come back up. Maybe a few new ones too. Usually one person is more in control (she is here) and that person will probably be the one to end it again.
When one person says "lets see each other but take it slow"... sometimes what happens here is that person uses the other for comfort and attention while they are still healing... and then when the time is right, they'll cut the line again.
You don't want to get back together with her to help her get over you or to keep her preoccupied until she finds something better, right?
You've had your first big love, first big love lost, first big heartache.
It sucks. It happens. To all of us. We have all been where you are.
You have to live your own life and own your own choices... but id say the chances of you getting back together and it being different long term are slim... and the chances of you hurting while keeping in contact with your ex is high.
She probably just feels guilty for breaking up and hurting you. So she tells you, she wants to take thing slow. I suggest do no contact. You said, talking to her hurts you. If you continue with this 'slow relationship' the whole time you will be hurting and wishing it wasn't like that. Which will probably end up with her breaking up and hurting you again. Get out of this now, yes it will hurt. But you aren't alone, they're a lot of stickies at the top of this forum, read them, they are really helpful.
Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.
Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.
Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?
Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.
Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.
Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.
Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.
Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mushQuestions??
Hello Showme,
I'm a little confused, I read the title of your post, and it says, "I fell in love with this girl that treated me bad. Now she's gone and I want her back" Ummm, why? Why would you want to have this person back if they treated you bad?
Please answer me that...
You should go no contact and save yourself the pain and the confusion.
Why hang around waiting for her to break your heart a second time?
Move on,and start healing.
Same here I am also confused. I have many friends saying that I should not be with her and all she does is hold me back from my business. I guess the reason I want to get back is, companionship we had been living together for almost a year. During this time we've been together everyday and never been apart. I thought it was love of never ending. For some reason I know that she treated me badly but all I can think about is the good times we had shared, nothing with the bad. Everyday my heart longs for her and nothing seems to matter. I know I was treated badly but I fell like I rather be treated this way having her then going through this pain I am feeling. I tried going out with my friends to see if I can find other girls, but my heart doesn't want anyone else but her. We broke up march 6 2010 on our 11 months anniversary, and the following day was my 23rd birthday and the day after was hers.. all I could think about was the plan she made for us. She's the only girl that made me feel this way. I've never knew that a pain like this can ever exists. All I can think about is the what ifs. Everyday I cry and feel so hopeless and ask myself what I've done wrong. There was this one time when my friend and I when't to get some shampoo, right when we got to there tears started coming out from my eyes, and I just remembered that she can just stay there can smell all the shampoo in the store. Little memories like that just breaks my heart cause I know that she is no longer mine. We had made many memories together and now I can't share it with her. Am I just so stupid to see the problem or am I the problem.
Do what best suites you.
If you feel fine not talking to her, than don't..
And while your benefiting yourself with that, shell be tortured by the fact your ignoring her.
You don't necessarily have to ignore her though. Just do exactly what she wants.. "take it slow" say hey whatsup here and there.. but when it comes to haning out or talking to long say your busy.
And down the road things will fall in to place the way they're meant to. Just trust fate :)
Chickie I tried looking at the forum you told me to read I can't seem to find them. You said "They're a lot of stickies at the top of this forum" top of the page?
You're going through the pain that's normal after a breakup-it's part of the healing process.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the relationship
Page?
There is lots of good advice there on how to handle breakups.
I tried doing that but when she text me and I don't text back she says. What's the point of me chasing after you if your not even going to chase after me, good bye forever. When she says that I feel so confused, I don't know if she is just playing with my mind of emotion
I wouldn't buy into her mindgames.
Time to bite the bullet and stick to no contact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
She says that because she wants you to fight for her. Just for the thrill. She wants to see you at her knees, miserable, begging, chasing her.. and that text was her way of hitching the bate on the fishing pole to lure you in..
It can't be more obvious. Let her silly little game backfire on her, don't fall for it. Girls loveeee to be chased. And if you don't, it'll eat her away.
So once I do the no contact and if she does text me the sh*** again what should I say to her
You say nothing-you just don't reply-that's what no contact means.
Look... you don't like hurting and that's fine. You need to believe you get through this kind of crap... damn near everybody else does... and sometimes people think their situation is unique or different. Nope. It hurts like mad and its really distracting.
It really, really sounds like she's just texting you because she wants to know you still want her. Who doesn't wish their ex was thinking "boy... i really miss her/him"... who doesn't hope their ex thinks they got the short end of the deal...
But when she says "why should i chase you"... it basically means its too much work for her to do what you need her to do...
When she throws out "good bye forever"... she's trying to guilt, hurt, and manipulate you into giving her the attention she wants.
Again... we all get how hard it is to get over a first big love. Been there done that. Don't expect to stop hurting right now. Don't even expect to want to chase someone else.
Give yourself permission to hurt and feel like crap. No fun, but its OK. Don't you think it should hurt some if it meant anything?
And it'll just keep getting drawn out as long as you text or keep in contact.
You ignore her, and disappear from her life, and get your own.Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
Thank you all for the advice that was given it made a lot of difference. Now I am ready to do no contact. But I need you guys help for me to get through this. Every minute I think of her so I guess the question is how can I get her out of my head. I really do want to move on and have my life back. But I keep thinking if we get back together maybe it will be better. Thank you for all your help
You keep yourself super busy.
Physical activities,see friends,hide your phone and stay off Facebook etc.
You can do this,most of us here have done it and it works.
Good luck.
Just recently my girl friend broke up with me, and just 2 days ago I started the no contact rule. I feel so empty and I just want to pick up my cell phone and call her asking her to be mine again. I know it sounds so stupid but I just feel so much pain and every second I just keep thinking about how it was. I just sign myself up in the gym and kept myself busy but I just can't get her off my head. My mind don't want her but my heart wants to be with her. Please give me some advice on how to get myself through this. I know I sound so pathetic but this is the first time I got my heart broken and I just don't like the feeling. Why did I fall in love with the person that don't treat me right.
Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum
Hang in there hun, if you're patient and strong, the result will be so fullfilling. You'll feel so good when she comes back to you crying and most likely you won't care anymore.. and it'll be her time to suffer. It's so worth it..
The only question that should be in your mind is what you can do meanwhile..
The best cure.. other girls!
Talk and meet new girls, the gym is full of oppourtinities!
I'm doing my best to move on but I can't stop but think what I did wrong. I have never felt this kind of pain in my life and I just want to take my heart off and throw it to the dogs that's how much pain I'm in. I tried working hard on my business and go to the gym but for some reason she's always on my mind. Tears just comes out of my eyes for no reason how pathetic is that. I would want her to come back crying her feeling the suffering but I doubt that. I'm thinking she is telling another guy I love you while I'm here hurting. Is a suckey feeling. I just need help with this cause its my first time ever feeling something like this.
Sadly,these feelings will come and go for some time-thats how getting over a breakup works.
Keeping busy will help you take your mind off things.
Make sure you see friends and family.
Personally,comedy films and books work for me,laughter is a great thing.
Keep going and take care.
I just found her belongings here in my room what should I do with it. Should I give it to her, or should I throw it away, I know stuff that she left she needs it. What should I do with it?
Pack it up and ask a good friend to take it to hers.
OK my ex just called and she text saying to call her and its about 11:11 what the hell is she trying to do. Is she over me or is she playing games, or does she want me back?
Just keep it somewhere.. somewhere you don't have to look at it and think of her.. and then one day she'll have to see you to get it, and make sure you look real good and make it quick, as if you got to go be somewhere and be nice as if she doesn't phase you :)
As for the pain, I know it sucks, I wish I could help you out on that one.. but its something only time can heal. You got to accept that everything happens for reasons, and end up either short term or long term being for the better. TRUST ME. And there's nothing you can do to change it, so why bother dreading it.. life is wayyyy to short to throw all happiness away over some bimbo. Or anything really.
I know how it feels. My first big heart breaks I couldn't eat, id feel like I'm going to gag, I couldn't sleep, go anywhere without thinking of him, nothing.. but in the long run, its just experience that's good to have and have over and done with. Go out and make contact with people. Socialize. Meet new people so the old can fade away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Showme_urmove
Oh wow.. sayy something insinuating that you're busy, ask can it wait?
Her response will most likely give off some kind of hint as to what she wants
What do you think she wants she's been calling like crazy... I want to call and hear her voice but I don't know
I thought she was telling you to call her?
Has she called after that?
If not, text what I said before..
To find out.
Cause I have no idea.. she could want anything.. but most likely you.
Yea she did and I called back like 2 times and she did not answer she's screwing my fu*** head
Okay no more calling her.
You shouldn't have.
But its okay if you look at it as you tried returning it, but she didn't answer. So screw her.
No contact,remember?
If you let her get to you,you end up with this confusion and it sets you back.
Ignore her.
I am so sorry but I just break the no contact rule. I had a talk with her and I ask her what do you want to do. Do you want me to just leave and just vanished from your life 4eva. She said no I've never said that she said we just need to take a break and talk more and hope we fix things out. I ask her if she wants to go and see other people but she said that she doesn't want to and she wants to keep talking so we can get this worked out. What do you think she is saying. I am lost and confused I want to believe her but also I don't want to end up hurting, do you think she really do want to make this work one last time is she just playing games.
What does your instinct tell you?
If you feel your not done with her yet, then go with it..
But please don't make yourself so available to her, or else she'll take advantage of your apparent vulnerability to her. Don't just give yourself to her, make sure she knows you mean business.. or else you do have a lot more pain coming your way cause you will be taken advantage of. Just don't make it so easy. Remember, you have a say in this too. She needs to know that.. she can't be running the show like that.. she's playing you like a puppet.
Most often this means something along the lines of'I'd like to keep you hanging around as a backup plan'.
If there are issues in a relationship,you work on them within the relationship.
Why break up and then continue to talk?
Go back to NC.
Yeah.. she doesn't know what she wants right now.. she's a mess.. and she wants you to be something on the side for when it suites her. Keep you in check. Not cool.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Dear lord...
OK... well... go back and look at that entire pattern...
She calls, you freak... she calls again, you freak... you breakdown and talk and what do you end up with?
Nothing.
She says she hopes you guys can maybe work it out.
OK... what the hell does that mean? Give me some details. What specifically is being worked on?. cause if I told you my car wasn't quite right and you said to drop it off and you'll look at it... well... it isn't going to get fixed by wishful thinking.
Yes... I completely understand its good to step back now and then... its even good for people in great relationships to give some space...
But ALL that happened tonight is she reaffirmed her power over you. A few phone calls and you are a puddle. And after its all done you have NO IDEA why you are talking, what's better, what's being worked on... as far as I can tell.
If I'm being a hardarse its cause I've been where you are and I've wasted way too many nights feeling like you felt tonight... and repeated it over and over... like you probably will... until you finally stop.
So...
You are not ready to be over her and you aren't frustrated enough to follow NC and that's OK. Its your lesson to learn.
When you date someone, expect it to hurt when it ends. It should not be a shock.
Expect that hurt to stick around. For a lot longer than you want. And try to accept that it is not something you need to "fix" at all costs... let yourself hurt so you can get through that critical part in shorter fashion.
And, while I don't think anyone should waste energy in too many head games, understand that every time you give your ex power over you, and that's exactly what you did tonight, its like starting the process all over again... and you might cycle through this over and over until she's ready to move on... essentially by "being there" you are helping her get over you while you are still stuck. Awesome.
k.
I'm stepping out so others can help. I just don't have anything more I can add.
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