Ask Me Help Desk - What is the best thing to do to gain trust?

What is the best thing to do to gain trust?

I have had many trust issues with my boyfriend. Although we continue to fight a lot, but people say the relationship is not going to be ever in the "honey moon" phase ever again. I feel like he is not trying to trust me again because he wants to have reason to fight with me. He barely says "I love you" anymore because he says I know he does love me, but I deserve to hear it. He is in Florida right now for tennis tournaments he has to play and he made me call him off my house phone to prove to him I am home and not out of town or doing something that I didn't tell him. I care about him, but I want things to work. We have been on the rocks for 3 months already. I don't know what to do...

Forcing you to call from your house phone is a little extreme, you can still go places and be honest.

From what your saying, it seems like there is something you did during the relationship to make him lose some trust of you. What is that? Have you tried talking to him about it and telling him what you learned from the experience?

You already know that you can't force somebody to trust you.
Real question is why isn't he trusting you? You say he wants a reason to fight. Why?
Is fighting all the time the way to keep a healthy relationship? I don't think so.
If this is really hard for you I don't see why you just don't tell him about it.
There's no healthy relationship without trust.

Like the others have said, you cannot force someone to trust you. Trust means to believe. Trust means there is no doubt in your mind about honesty, integrity and credibility. No relationship can survive without trust. Once violated, trust is very difficult to repair and rebuild, so it has to be guarded carefully and constantly nurtured. In order for him to trust you again, he has to be able to forgive you for whatever mistakes you have made, if he can’t do that and insist on clinging to petty problems or keep raking up old issues and fighting then the relationship will not last very much longer.

Earn it! Good Luck

Time helps and to never lie to him! Although he seems to REALLY not trust you. I'm surprised he is dating you. I couldn't date someone I had completely no trust in.

Has something happened in your relationship to mistrust you? If not then he is
Being way to possesive. Maybe it's like an old saying around my part of the country.

"The guilty dog barks first".

Have you talked to him about this? Have you expressed your feelings towards him and let him know what is doing is tearing you two apart? Sometimes a reality check helps.

Have you done anything in the past or with previous boyfriends that would cause him to not trust you?

Maybe the trust issues are deeper than just you and him together.

Maybe he is the one screwing around on you.. and instead of confessing or leaving, he's going to make you miserable.

Proper communication is key. If he can't give you a straight answer, or attempt to explore is deeper feelings, then you have no business with a guy who is going torture you emotionally.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucky098

Have you talked to him about this? Have you expressed your feelings towards him and let him know what is doing is tearing you two apart? Sometimes a reality check helps.

Have you done anything in the past or with previous boyfriends that would cause him to not trust you?

Maybe the trust issues are deeper than just you and him together.

Maybe he is the one screwing around on you.. and instead of confessing or leaving, he's going to make you miserable.

Proper communication is key. If he can't give you a straight answer, or attempt to explore is deeper feelings, then you have no business with a guy who is going torture you emotionally.

As Lucky stated, there is a reason for this! Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him? If the answer is no to both questions then he has some serious emotinal issues about
Himself. Don't let anyone make you feel like a possession instead
Of a person.

Trying to answer all the questions from above... We did have a hard time when he moved 3 hrs away from because of his full scholarship he had received for tennis. Around November last yr was when things got bad. I got invited to a guy's birthday party and I texted him told him what's up. He did not want me to go, but I went anyway. There were other people there besides me. That's when things fell apart. I felt like I had to lie to do what I wanted whether it was good or bad. Like he tried to control the whole relationship by telling me I can't do this or that. He has an identical twin brother who sometimes comes to town. I see him and we go out to eat with friends and stuff because my own boyfriend does not even want to drive down to see me. I always have to make 3 hr trips to see him. And it is not fair that I have to do all the driving. He won't take turns. So my boyfriend and I kept fighting and fighting. He was so immature to a point he broke up with me every other day and expected me to get back together with him. Then I got back into drugs because his twin did it and one day when my boyfriend broke up with me again. I became intimate with his twin. I know it is shady, but we were broken up and I told him the truth about it and so did his brother. What made him mad was that it was his brother and it was not just one time. I had a loving relationship with him too. Like we were close and I can tell him everything. It has been about 7 months since the incident and things are getting better. But he told his mom on me and his brother. Now I feel like she won't accept me... I mean my boyfriend did some bad things to. He was emotionally abusive and had sex with 3 other girls to get even with me.

Wow. You slept with his brother? I really think that is something he nor his brother or his family will ever forget. Do you want to go on in this relationship? I don't think it will ever work out, too much controversy.

I think you need to do the right thing and move on and move out! Once the trust is gone it's all going to blow up in your face.
You will never feel comfortable around his family again and neither will they.

I hope you have enough love for him that you can be woman enough to say you're leaving. Trust broken can never be whole
Again. I'mm sorry but that's how I feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

I hope you have enough love for him that you can be woman enough to say you're leaving.

I do love him very much and that week that he left me broke my heart. I rergretted it after I slept with his brother, but I never did it again. I know it was shady, but we were broken up. It would be the same situation if my sister slept with my boyfriend. I would fight with her, but if she is truly sorry I can forgive them both. I mean I love both the boys. But if I dated the other one it would be strange, but eventually they would have to accept it. I mean his brother will always find another girl. They are both incredibly smart and handsome guys.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

I do love him very much and that week that he left me broke my heart. I rergretted it after I slept with his brother, but I never did it again. I know it was shady, but we were broken up. It would be the same situation if my sister slept with my bf. I would fight with her, but if she is truly sorry I can forgive them both. I mean I love both the boys. But if I dated the other one it would be strange, but eventually they would have to accept it. I mean his brother will always find another girl. They are both incredibly smart and handsome guys.

I'm just saying it's going to be awfully hard to be in a relationship where everything you do is under scrutiny. Ask him !
Tell him you feel like he will never trust you again and see what his reply is.

Look we've all done things we regret, but we can't undo them.
If it's meant to be then a few weeks apart will tell the story.
Some advice drinking, drugs and being out with your boyfriends' brother is a recipe for trouble.

Talk to his mother and tell her what you told us and listen to what she tells you. I just see you never regaining his full trust again and if I were him it would be hard to fogive the brother. Sorry

I have talked to him but I feel like I am only getting half of what he is really telling. He wants things to be perfect but like I said there is not going to be a honey moon phase again. Everybody is telling me to wait till the summer then I will get my answer. I know he has not forgiven his brother because recently they got into a fight because my boyfriend randomly called his mom and told him that his brother was dealing drugs. His twin went and punched and now they do not live together anymore. My boyfriend lives in an apartment and his brother stays at the dorm. They do not like each other and I remember both of them saying that to me even before the incident. Idk if it is just me who separated them or it is just their personalities and the group of friends they choose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Talk to his mother and tell her what you told us and listen to what she tells you.

And what exactly do you say to a mom that you think is still mad at you?

PS: I haven't told my parents we are back together and neither did he.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

And what exactly do you say to a mom that you think is still mad at you?

PS: I haven't told my parents we are back together and neither did he.

I'm saying let him tell you how he feels. You may not like he tells you but at least you'll know what to expect if you stay with him.

You are not entirely the only one to blame, his brother has broken his heart. How do you think you're going to feel when
He's invited to family funtions and you're not invited. And even
If you are how are you going to feel being there with both brothers.

It's up to you to do the right thing. I just hope you consider the other people involved.

Sounds like you two need to call it quits.

No wonder he doesn't trust you. He felt uncomfortable with you going to a guys birthday party. You ignored him. Instead of telling him that you have friends and a life outside of him, you just lied.

Lying never solves anything. It makes it 100 times worse than what it really should be.

You hooked up with his brother. That is such a huge no-no... If I were him, I wouldn't have even given you a second or third chance.

Yes, everything in a relationship should be 50/50. But, from the sounds of it.. He really doesn't want to go that extra mile for you. If you're available and willing, its OK. If your asking for him to pick up his share, its just not important.

You both screwed up your relationship. Time to fess up, and either forgive each other and let the past be the past, or leave.

Why force something to work that obviously isn't?

You don't have children, so you don't know how hard it is for a mother to see the children she would give her life for at each others throat. I would rather someone hurt me than to see my children fight over something and end up breaking each others hearts and trust.

You did this to his family and his twin brother went right ahead without even considering it would cause this mess. You need to be out of their lives. Move on and find someone else.

Wow, what you did in my book is definitely unforgivable. Not only did you cheat, but with his brother?

This is his brother, his family. No offence but you are just a girl in this picture. They have some major issues that they need to definitely work out, not only will it be very hard for your boyfriend to forgive his brother but how do you expect them to even try with you in the picture? You need to take whatever dignity you have left and walk away.

It shocks me that you can't see this. If you love him, you would want what's best for him. What's best for him is to focus on fixing things with his family. You're being extremely selfish by preventing this from happening. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh.

Please let him fix this mess with his family, this is the only family he has. Please stop being so selfish and move on and allow them to heal.

The sooner you tell him it's over and move on, the better. I

Believe if you two feel like you can't tell your folks your back

Together that says it all.

If you love ths giuy let him go. There is no future for you two.

Walk away with a little dignity. Let this family rebuild what you

Helped tear apart.

You're a perfect case for why we merge posts to get all the facts in one place

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...an-456003.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/person...ke-456834.html

For the record, the military is the place for you to get away from the drama, and BS, that is your life and let you get a chance at some Good Orderly Direction.

I highly recommend it! ASAP!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your a perfect case for why we merge posts to get all the facts in one place

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...an-456003.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/person...ke-456834.html

For the record, the military is the place for you to get away from the drama, and BS, that is your life and let you get a chance at some Good Orderly Direction.

I highly recommend it! ASAP!!!

Wow what drama!

Ok, when I told him what me and his brother did. He was unforgiving and I understood. But he would not leave me alone right after he told me not to talk to him. So that is why we still are in a current relationship. I wanted out when I did that big mistake, but love is forever and we both know it. We are both of our first loves... although, we may not have the same interests and we may need counseling... I just want to work with what I have. We still are close mentally. If he is not willing to let go and I am not then what is there to do? (That is the question) You guys harp on me to break it off and believe this is for my best interest, but is it really? I mean you don't know us and you've concluded the relationship is a dud. Presidents and upper-upper class people have had these issues to. And they still made it. The relationship will work if someone blesses it..

I think you're going to do what you want to do. But what you joining the military and going off to college? Time will tell so I am not going to keep giving you advice. I will say this when you are far apart I think there will be someone new for both of you.

My advice wasn't meant to hurt you. I just want you to see what is ahead for you. It's hard enough to be in a relationship and make it work and you have a few cards stacked against you. Good Luck and God Bless you and lead you in the right direction. Blessings:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

My advice wasn't meant to hurt you. I just want you to see what is ahead for you. It's hard enough to be in a relationship and make it work and you have a few cards stacked against you. Good Luck and God Bless you and lead you in the right direction. Blessings:)

I know there are many people out there for me. I just want this guy lol. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. I just want my boo back to where things will be good. I plan to join the military for my own benefit and it is a family thing. I follow in my mom's dad's foot steps. He was a doctor and I want to be a doctor. He was in the military and so should I be. But my boyfriend does not want me to go because he would not see me for a semester. That is another issue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

I know there are many people out there for me. I just want this guy lol. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. I just want my boo back to where things will be good. I plan to join the military for my own benefit and it is a family thing. I follow in my mom's dad's foot steps. He was a doctor and I wanna be a doctor. He was in the military and so should I be. But my bf does not want me to go because he would not see me for a semester. That is another issue.

Please follow your Dad's path and I wish you the best. I truly mean that.

I love what my grandpa did for me. And I want to be just like him. I always wanted to be a doctor since I was in 2nd grade.

I am so use to people who don't like the advice given, because it doesn't solve their immediate problems. I understand that, but its important you make better decisions about your future, and take responsibility for your own actions. If all you can see is him, you will lose your options, and opportunities, to be better and happy.

I was young once and families can't live off love alone, trust me on that or ask any one in your family.

Its ultimately your choice what to do, but given the facts, this relationship has yet to produce any positive results, or directions to a positive possible result.

I would be interested in what the older adults in your family think about this and if they had given their blessings, I DOUBT IF YOU WOULD BE ASKING US FOR OURS.

Your decision, and I wish you much luck, I mean that.

I know it is my choice. I do take in all the advice, but the story is still one sided. I mean he lies too. We all aren't perfect like someone said. I won't every marry a guy that my parents don't approve of. But we have 3 years to make that choice. He said he will propose after college.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am so use to people who don't like the advice given, because it doesn't solve their immediate problems. I understand that, but its important you make better decisions about your future, and take responsibility for your own actions. If all you can see is him, you will lose your options, and opportunities, to be better and happy.

I was young once and families can't live off love alone, trust me on that or ask any one in your family.

Its ultimately your choice what to do, but given the facts, this relationship has yet to produce any positive results, or directions to a positive possible result.

I would be interested in what the older adults in your family think about this and if they had given their blessings, i DOUBT IF YOU WOULD BE ASKING US FOR OURS.

Your decision, and I wish you much luck, I mean that.

I don't what else I can say. I don't see anything but more hurt
And fighting and his family will never forgive you. But you are going to do what you want to do. The military is your best bet. Good luck

I just think you see the military as a good way to get out and run away from things. Like you think it is a good punishment for me? I came up with the choice all alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

I just think you see the military as a good way to get out and run away from things. Like you think it is a good punishment for me? I came up with the choice all alone.

Not at all. I think if you let anyone talk you out of you will wake up someday and say ; what in the world have I done? What would your grandfather tell you? We'll talk tomorrow... goodnight!:)

What do you mean what in the world have I done? I hope no regrets. I don't know what he would tell me. He died a while back. He was kind of like me and we are the same almost. He is a very strong willed man and actually did what he wanted lol. He was almost done with premed, but dropped out to join the military and he was the doctor on force (finished schooling with them). I looked up to him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

What do you mean what in the world have I done? I hope no regrets. I don't know what he would tell me. He died a while back. He was kinda like me and we are the same almost. He is a very strong willed man and actually did what he wanted lol. He was almost done with premed, but dropped out to join the military and he was the doctor on force (finished schooling with them). I looked up to him.

I was asking if your boyfriend talks you out of going into the military to fulfill your dreams and you don't go! Is there a chance that will happen? I was asking if you don't go are you going to regret it?

He probably won't convince me. I will talk to him more about it next week when I see him. I am going Saturaday with my dad to talk to a recruit about it. I have to take an aptitude test too. So you can't be an idiot lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

He probably won't convince me. I will talk to him more about it next week when I see him. I am going Saturaday with my dad to talk to a recruit about it. I have to take an aptitude test too. So you can't be an idiot lol

I'm sure you're not an idiot! Hold on to that dream and I believe you'll be a great doctor. Goodnigh. Good luck on Saturday.:):)

Thanks. I am not planning to do family practice but pathology. So I hope I do well in school.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

Thanks. I am not planning to do family practice but pathology. So I hope I do well in school.

Good luck and I thiink you will do well:):)

Is a present just a present or is it what the thought counts?

My boyfriend's birthday is past and I don't know what to get him for his birthday. He is worst than me when it comes to presents. He just expects it and tells me what he wants before I can figure out how to come up with the money. Last year for Christmas he made me spend 400 dollars on just clothes on him. I did not have any money for myself to pay for my spring semester of school books and even to save up for my spring break trip (so I am staying home). And for his birthday he wants like 6 polos from Ralph Lauren. And he like adds the cost of the item up to make sure it is what I am suppose to spend on him. I think that is stupid. And his parents give him money all the time and he complains that I cost a lot. Like that is not his money. He has his OWN money. All he has spent on me is just food and maybe a few dates in the past 4 months. So I am wondering if he is just concerned about the value of the object or what? I was just planning to spend 100 for his birthday.

I really wish parents would stop giving their kids money it does nothing but create spoiled brats who think they deserve everything. Is this the same guy who cheated on you in a previous post? Cause if it is The only thing you should give him for his Birthday is the finger and tell him to find someone else to meet his gift quota.

That sounds like an awful lot to be spending on gifts.