Hi Folks

I am 24 and I am in a Long distance relationship for more than 2 years now. There has been a lot of arguments and fighting between both of us. I personally have always felt that my girlfriend should trust me more. It is not that I do things which makes her suspect me because, believe me, I don' t even have any other female friends or colleagues. The way she quarrels and amount of time I have to spend to make her understand about very trivial issues really threaten me about the future prospects of the relationship. I am unable to explain things to her using logical reasoning. The frequency of arguments has also not abated. She insists on the need to have access to all my email accounts which she thinks is normal and also from time to time asks me if I have another account created. She is feeling highly insecure and whenever she feels that she has driven me mad, she makes sure to get a "No" for " Will you leave me and go" and also wants me to say " I love you so much" after every argument. She even pulls stupid stunt like attempting suicides if we have an extended argument. She feels that since she many people know that she is committed to me, she can't afford to have a failed relationship, as she is from a very traditional background. I have tried my best to save the relationship,but now I think it is beyond rescue. I don t really think I can keep her happy, and I am doubtful about a peaceful future together. Help.

Sorry, but this sounds like a 'run for the hills' scenario!

She's controlling, manipulative and distrustful, and you made the mistake early on of giving into her demands. (You gave her your email passwords? ) Yea, LDR's can be hard to maintain - but they DO require trust and patience - of which she seems to have neither.

You KNOW what you have to do. A relationship like this requires the patience of the Dalai Lama and even he would have headed for the hills by now. Sheesh. I'm surprised you've lasted this long.

Try and do it with grace and compassion (it won't be easy), make it all your fault so she doesn't lose face, and then go 'no contact'. You have to cut yourself of from her completely, or she'll pull you back in.

Don't be sucked in by any threats or suicide attempts. Remember that she is the only person responsible for what she does to herself, it is her choice.

Make sure your family and friends understand what you're doing, and why you're doing it so you have some support while it's all going on. (I'm sure her family will get a different story.)

Good luck. Let us know how you go.

Hi Gemini54

I really appreciate your quick response. Although your answer seems like a bitter medicine, I agree it is the only cure. Thanks. Feel free th follow this thread and your advises/suggestions are welcome.

I agree 100% with gemini (sorry gem had to spread the luv)

This is totally dysfunctional and the fact she has to look at your emails is a massive Red Flag to me , I think you've already decided to do this and the fact your even asking here is a sign of how hard it must be to stay in this relationship. I'd give her the chance to know how you feel and let her know if her attitude doesn't change then it's over , then the balls in her court.

Go with your gut feeling Buddy , it's normally always right.

You need to get out of this.
It's toxic and your girlfriend comes across as an extremely manipulative controlfreak and an emotional blackmailer.

Gemini said run for the hills-I second that opinion.

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Originally Posted by agopala2

Hi Gemini54

I really appreciate your quick response. Although your answer seems like a bitter medicine, I agree it is the only cure. Thanks. Feel free th follow this thread and your advises/suggestions are welcome.

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Well, you know what they say - the medicine may be bitter but the cure is good!

As all the other posters have said - trust your guts. This isn't healthy for you or her. And it's not love - it's possession.

You've given away your power and she uses it to try and pull all your strings.

But, be prepared for a dramatic reaction - I suspect she'll pull every string she can find.

I third that opinion. This girl seems like she could get you in a whole slew of problems. I too am surprised you stayed this long through such an emotional train wreck. I don't see any point in continuing a relationship with this person, especially not just because she thinks she can't live without you. You need to have her family get her some help and then just move on. Also change those email passwords and get that girl out of your business. It is not in any way normal for her to know that stuff and nor is it any of her business what your family and friends have to say to you. If you are not cheating there should be no monitoring. That's THAT. Sorry I know you still have feelings for her but she will drive you deeper into the ground than you can possibly dig your way out of.

Hi guys

Thanks to all.. I hope you have a clear picture of the situation. I am wondering how I can do this. Cos she kind of has all my friend s, roomies s and relative s contact numbers. She used to call me and if I don t return her call in like 5 minutes, she always calls the other people who might be around me. This has annoyed me and I have told her not to do this like a Zillion times but she pays no heed. So once I try to cut her off, she is going to call and literally harass all these people.. So suggest me what I can do..

I would try calling those people, tell them you are breaking up with her and to ignore her phone calls.

Then break up with her.

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

I agree 100% with gemini (sorry gem had to spread the luv)

This is totally dysfunctional and the fact she has to look at your emails is a massive Red Flag to me , I think you've already decided to do this and the fact your even asking here is a sign of how hard it must be to stay in this relationship. I'd give her the chance to know how you feel and let her know if her attitude doesn't change then it's over , then the balls in her court.

Go with your gut feeling Buddy , it's normally always right.

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I tried convincing her a lot of times about sharing the emails pwds, but she says it is quite normal. Also I had indicated the fact that she is questionign me about all the trivial stuffs.. e.g... she asks me everyday over the phone, who I talk to and what I talked and I have to narrate her the entire day s events.. I mean I am now used to it because at least she shuts up if I am going to tell her those stuffs. She constantly complains about things I had forgotten to ask about and she compares me with a person I was initially I got into this relationship and keeps sayign that I have changed and asks if if it is because of someone.. I have told her several times that our frequencies do not match and we d be better if we got seperatred; Her first questions is " Is there someone else"? She fails to understand the reasoning I put forth;

You need to bite the bullet and break up,or rather break free from a relationship which to me resembles a jail sentence.

Time to tell her its over.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by agopala2

I tried convincing her a lot of times about sharing the emails pwds, but she says it is quite normal.

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She may think it's normal but I can assure you it's not , she has some major self esteem issue's if you ask me , she doesn't trust you obviously and it's not your fault , she'll be the same with anybody by the sound of it.

I know I wouldn't put up with that cr*p and I'm sure most sane people wouldn't.

Change your password, and tell her to bug off, you don't have time for a fruit loop.

Sounds cold, and cruel, but she will not go away easy, and you need to be prepared.

After playing wuss for so long, breaking up with her will bring out her worst, but unless you confront her, and stand for yourself, you will forever be in her total control.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by agopala2

I tried convincing her a lot of times about sharing the emails pwds, but she says it is quite normal. Also I had indicated the fact that she is questionign me about all the trivial stuffs.. eg.. she asks me everyday over the phone, who I talk to and what I talked and I have to narrate her the entire day s events.. I mean I am now used to it cos atleast she shuts up if I am goign to tell her those stuffs. She constantly complains about things I had forgotten to ask about and she compares me with a person I was initially I got into this relationship and keeps sayign that I have changed and asks if if it is cos of someone.. I have told her several times that our frequencies do not match and we d be better if we got seperatred; Her first questions is " Is there someone else"? She fails to understand the reasoning I put forth;

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I think that her behavior is controlling and bordering on abusive - she has you by the short and curlies and you need to take back your power.

Try looking at this website - you'll find some similarities... and you'll find articles about how to break up with woman like this. No contact is a must.

A Shrink for Men

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Originally Posted by agopala2

Hi guys

Thanks to all.. I hope you have a clear picture of the situation. I am wondering how I can do this. Cos she kinda has all my friend s, roomies s and relative s contact numbers. She used to call me and if I don t return her call in like 5 mins, she always calls the other ppl who might be around me. This has annoyed me and I have told her not to do this like a Zillion times but she pays no heed. So once I try to cut her off, she is gonna call and literally harass all these ppl.. So suggest me what I can do..

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What you don't do is you don't let her use your friends as hostages.

This is not a healthy relationship. You've made some mistakes. Given her control she never should have had.

Seriously... if your friends know 1/10th of what we know here, they'll be glad you are making a move away from her and more than willing to deal with some noise for a time.

Sometimes you find yourself standing in a big, steamy mess. You didn't plan on it. You certainly had a role in getting there. Doesn't mean you need to stay there.

Sorry it needs to end, but it does. Sooner is better. Her complete lack of trust and her unbelievable power grabbing is just not healthy.

Hi Folks..

I was wondering if I can really go No Contact, because I ve tried doing that before when she gets really abusive.. especially when I used to have some interviews ( I was looking for a job for nearly 9 months, after graduation and I got one recently) I can t think peacefully because she ll make a scene out of petty things and pick a fight. So I was tried going No Contact for like a week.. During this week she called almost all she knew among my friends and family.. They were harassed.. So I am planning on going NC with everyone I know because that way nobody can reach me even if they wanted to.. Is that possible/advisable? Cos I really don't have an inclination to call her.. I am terrified about her and call her everyday because I really don't want to loose my peace of mind.. I really could not relish that I got a job after 9 months.. All I am thinking is that I have to end this relationship right away..

Disappearing from her life after breaking up is a good idea, its what I would do, but friends, and family deserve fair warning that the storm is coming.

Good Luck, because its time to cut her loose.

Are you firmly convinced this relationship needs to end? You absolutely know that its is unhealthy?

Run for the hills! Lol I agree

Possibly, she is the one messing around on you.

Guilty minds typically throw the blame on others.

My friend once told me that when your partner starts to accuse you of cheating out of the blue, then 10 times out of 1 they are the ones who are cheating.

I'm not sure how much truth there is behind that.. But my partner blaming me of cheating for no reason would definitely make me wonder...

That girl is crazy. She's already controlling you and manipulating you NOW when you're not together all the time. Could you imagine what itd be like if you two lived together? I'm guessing itd be a nightmare.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by agopala2

Hi Folks..

i was wondering if I can really go No Contact, cos I ve tried doing that before when she gets really abusive..especially when I used to have some interviews ( I was looking for a job for nearly 9 months, after graduation and I got one recently) I can t think peacefully cos she ll make a scene out of petty things and pick a fight. So I was tried going No Contact for like a week.. During this week she called almost all she knew among my friends and family..They were harassed.. So I am planning on going NC with everyone I know cos that way nobody can reach me even if they wanted to.. Is that possible/advisable? Cos I really dont have an inclination to call her.. i am jus terrified about her and call her everyday cos I really dont wanna loose my peace of mind.. I really could not relish that I got a job after 9 months.. All I am thinking is that I have to end this relationship right away..

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I think that you will need to forewarn friends and family.

Tell them what you're about to do, and ask them to just tell her that they don't want to be involved. That way they're not giving her an opinion or any information.

You WILL need to TELL her though. Yep, it will be hard, but she needs to hear it from your mouth. That way your friends and family hopefully won't be harassed by her calls - she'll know why you're not available.

Trust is the basis for all relationships.

Even more so with LD ones. I know.

Stop the madness, this isn't working.

She's manipulative, untrusting, uncommunicative and constantly busts your chops. Oh, yeah & SUPER INSECURE.

Is that the kind of girl you want?

Screw your head back on.

Hey agopala,

One thing before I crash.

My LD ex used to say how I wasn't the guy she got with. Make me feel like crap.

The truth is that I was that guy. She wasn't that girl.

I was an idiot for getting with her and continuing. I know that.

We have to know what we want & be aware before we start relationships.

We learn from our mistakes.

Now its time for you.

Thanks

Hi people

Thanks for assurance that I can revive my sanity.. I have told to my girlfriend that she can't have access to my mails and I have changed my passwords.. I have nt talked to her today and it gives a great sense of relieve and its like I am out of a cell.. I hope to get out of the "prison" soon..

While I think this is only the calm before the storm, and I hope I'm wrong, at least you're staking out your own personal boundaries. Please keep us updated, and good luck.

At some point you are going to have to stick up for yourself & let her know that all of this mistrust & bashing needs to stop.

Doesn't sound like either one of you like each other very much.
Distance will do that. Fantasyland.

If you feel like your in prison its because she put you there with your help.

What is it exactly you want? Because this situation either has to change for both of you in a positive way, or end.

Have you guys ever made a plan?
To actually BE together?

I was in a 5yr LD relationship with someone that never really wanted me or wanted me in her goals. I was just there at a distance for her selfish needs.
Not as a partner. My fault for being a sucker.

Don't be that guy. Too much heartache in-between.
You've already endured 2 years. You guys need to crap or get off the pot.

Hi guys..

I definitely want to be out of this relationship.. Yes.. I know it.. I was worrying all the time that it might shatter her.. but now, I know.. it would be a grater pain to marry her.. because I believe I would be cheating myself in the first place. Secondly her and her parents. Things have gotten real worse few days back, when she had actually called my mom to tell that " she is gonna commit suicide after writing a note indicating me as the cause" . Poor my mom, she was shocked and asked me to patch up irrespective of the cause.. I was not the aggressor in this case.. She was threatening to me that she would die.. I told" Well every body has to and ppl decide their own fate". The call to my mom was a response for these words. Unless I put in all my time and energy completely focused on her, she is not going to be happy. And I have been trying to do that for the last year and half and I have screwed my brains real nice.. Now I am sure, I want to be out of it.. I ll keep you all posted..

How much longer are you going to let her hold you hostage?

Time to bite the bullet and dump the emotional vampire.

Then change your phonenumber and tell family and friends to block her number.

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Originally Posted by agopala2

Unless I put in all my time and energy completely focused on her, she is not going to be happy.

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You still dont get it. You CANNOT make her happy... no matter how much energy you put into it.

You tried to make her happy and she still never was. You don't make other people happy. Period.

Best you can do is be true to yourself... and if the other person finds that attractive, fine. You still aren't making yourself attractive. The other person is doing all of that work.

She makes herself unhappy.

Look.. ill cut really deep to the chase here concerning suicide... its been a long, long time but I've been in a place of absolute emotional despair... I was diagnosed as clinically, chronically depressed once. Suicidal. And it wasn't a mind game to get attention. I felt like absolute crap and I felt like there was really no place else to turn.

I could spent HOURS finding ways to blame anyone and everyone around me for all the bad things I felt. Blame sticks easily to anything you want to throw it at... at least it seems to...

So... you are not responsible for her happiness or her unhappiness. Stop bearing that burden. It isn't yours. As long as you do that, she will continue to control you.

So... best you can do is let her family know that this is over and that she is lashing out. If they wish to blame you... well, that explains a lot about why she is where she is.

So... we can keep talking about this... but the answer is still that you need to step away and you need to let her own her behavior. Period.

Hi people..

I have told her that I do not see a future for our relationship. No only she fails to understand her, she keeps calling me and asking if there is someone else.. I had told her that there is a major compatibility crisis in our relationship which we are unable to address. But my friends who knew the real reason, told her that she need to be more understanding and trust me.. For which she immediately says " I ve changed a lot, why can't i be given a second chance".. I simply do not want to try again. I am really tired.. I try going out of contact.. by not picking her calls.. She keep calling to the land line and to my cousins.. I think I need to put up with this till I move into a new place.. I am planning to change my number and email account and go completely out of reach.. any suggestions?

Change everything-now.

If she keeps calling your friends and relatives its harassment,so they should let her know that they have every right to call the police on her.