I need help. My fiancé is super stressed about money. I don't make enough for her. I am already doing overtime for her every other week. Now she has pushed me into wanting to pull even more overtime and be gone every night of the week. We just got this new apartment and we can't afford all the things we want for it. We have everything we need but she still isn't happy and now she even just said that if I still want to get married this year I am going to have to work all of the overtime possible (which is a whole lot) because she has to use all her taxes for the apartment. I can't handle this, she is looking to me for all this money because she feels that she is spending a heck of a lot more than me. Too bad she doesn't do a lick of work for the money she gets, its all child support and ssi. Taxes cause her mom claims the kids 8,000 at least a year! I mean come on. I always give my paychecks to her, all of them, I haven't had money in a year and a half, and I work my off for every dime I make. Doesn't that make my money more valuable? What do I do? I don't want to fight about money, I don't give a crap about money, but she does. This is so hard. She just won't stop treating me like I am not doing enough for her. I work 12 days on and have 2 days off... is that not enough? Please someone tell me what to do here. What can I do to make her learn the value of my labor? Or does anyone think that I really am not doing enough? I work thirds too, and I haven't spent a single night with her since she had me move in.

This sounds like a really awful situation. You’re going to work yourself to death! Does she not realize what you are going through? This woman sounds like someone who sees herself as the star of a movie rather than a functional adult. Life is what happens every day. It is not something that you save up for or buy. Ask yourself this: what would be her reaction if you became disabled and couldn't work? Or if you lost your jobs? Would she accept this as one of life's obstacles and carry on with you as best as possible?

It worries me that you’re engaged to her. Marriage should be about supporting each other through hard times - not making the hard times worse.

I know you're right... I am going to ask those questions tonight. The only night I have spent with her in a long time. I'm just concerned that she is only in this for the money. She gets really angry when she thinks that is what I think so I don't know anymore. I'm trying my best. I just don't make very much money.

Well, she gets angry when you express to her that you feel she is in it only for the money, but it's her actions that are making you feel this way.

As surprising as it may sound, money is NOT an issue. Money is just pieces of green papers. That’s all! Its all about what money REPRESENTS.If she thinks that money equals happiness then you have yourself a problem.

I hope your discussion goes well tonight. I really hope that she is in the relationships for the right reasons.

Hello Larken85,

Have you told her that it is a two way street?

This is just a glimpse of what the future has in store for you...

I know that there are two sides to every story, but, according to your story, I feel as if you are doing the brunt of the work, in all aspects!

I really believe that the two of you should sit down in a calm manner and discuss this like adults. Explain that this is NOT how you want to live your life. Working day by day to support HER!

I understand that you love her, however, she should be more supportive of you and your feelings. Have you guys talked about her possibly getting a job to help support the bills?

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello Larken85,

Have you told her that it is a two way street??

This is just a glimpse of what the future has in store for you....

I know that there are two sides to every story, but, according to your story, I feel as if you are doing the brunt of the work, in all aspects!!

I really believe that the two of you should sit down in a calm manner and discuss this like adults. Explain that this is NOT how you want to live your life. Working day by day to support HER!

I understand that you love her, however, she should be more supportive of you and your feelings. Have you guys talked about her possibly getting a job to help support the bills??

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So true! You guys are just engaged right now. Could you really imagine marrying her and living the rest of your life like this? Because, reality is, if you cannot effectively explain to her that you can't continue living like this, then this is what she'll expect from you for many years down the road. I know you love her, but if she loves you too then she couldn't possibly be okay with you continuing on this way.

Yes she wants one but she can't work over some odd amount of hours or her ssi will be reduced. I'm so done. I can't take it. Every time we are low on money its my fault. Did I mention that I pay all the bills including her car insurance and payment which equals out to 400. Its just hard.

We just talked. She is being a little less of a you know what. I told her we have to come to a middle ground or we're going to have serious problems. She accepted this.

We'll talk tonight. Hopefully without yelling...

Hello again Larken85,

How old are the two of you? You mentioned she has children, how many?

It's good to hear that she is starting to realize that you're fed up and that you're going to have serious problems if you continue this way.

I'm assuming she understands that you cannot put up with the relationship any longer if things don't change. Make sure she understands that you're serious. Actions speak louder than words, if you don't see her making an effort to change her ways, I wouldn't make an effort any longer either.

Take care and make sure you stand up for yourself.

She has two kids 8 and 9. the 8 yr old is a girl with a speech learning dissablilty and the 9 yr old is an autistic boy. Great kids over all. She is 36 yrs old and bi-polar and I am 24 yrs ld with severe depression. We are both being treated with heavy meds for these

Oh Larken Larken Larken... There are so many red flags here, I don't even know where to start!

I'm not trying to judge you or her in this, but I have to be honest with you...

You are a young 24 year old, with no kids of your own I assume. I believe she has a lot on her plate, and to top it off she wants you to do more!

This is up to you on how you want to handle this, but I don't know if I see a happy ending here.

Do you know what I mean?

She may be older, and maybe you both have issues, but if you think your going to be married you better man up, and start defining what's allowed, and what's not. All couples have money problems, so get a budget that's realistic, and live within your means. Why does her mom take your kids on her taxes, and so what if SSI will be cut because she works. You're the man, divide things equally, and have a plan you both can agree on that works without you killing yourself with overtime.

I see too many red flags to be just giving her full control of anything, especially you. That's not a marriage, that's slavery. For sure if you can't make this work now, forget marriage.

And who follows without question, the wishes of someone bi-polar? That would depress me too!

My depression stems from my issues of confidence from a long time ago. I have much more self worth now.
You're right talaniman, I do need to lay down the law. Actually I just did a few minutes ago on the phone. She was trying to fight me on it still and the tone I took and the commanding words stopped her. She never expected me to Fight back so hard. Now she has kind of given up on ordering me to do these things. We'll see how long it lasts.
Fyi just cause she is bi-polar doesn't mean she is not of a sound mind. It just means that she changes her mind way to freakin often.
I know a life with her will be hard, but I really do love her and although perhaps misguided, I love her with all my heart. She is my perfect match chemically speaking, just not with logic. We tend not to agree on things and it is always ends up with one of us winning. I said that is going to stop right now, we are not winning or losing these fights anymore, from now on we'll come to an agreement if there is one to be had. She agreed with me. And she is trying to keep her voice down so as not to push me further cause she realized that she was being ridiculous.

Judging from your previous thread you had, maybe she wants you working all this overtime so your not at home and you do not know what she is up to!

Dyno that is further from my suspicions than you'll ever know. I am not at all afraid of this. For this is the one thing I know for a fact that she will never do to me. She wants me working because she likes to be left alone and go shopping. She knows that too much time with someone can kill a relationship but what she doesn't know is that to little can do it too. She would never cheat. She will never do anything behind my back. She is just materialistic.

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Originally Posted by dynocompe

Judging from your previous thread you had, maybe she wants you working all this overtime so your not at home and you do not know what she is up to!

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I really think this comment was unnecessary. The OP never suggested there was trust issues.

Hello again Larken,

So... while you are killing yourself working, she is out shopping!? Is that something that you are OK with or going to be OK with in 5, 10 years from now? Let me tell you, if I were the ONLY one working and my partner was out shopping and was not working, that would really bother me!

Hey, to each his own, I just think that you are allowing her to get away with a lot. She is pushing 40 with two kids and no job, also having a 24 year old support her and HER kids, bringing you down because its 60 hours you work and not 80, because she wants to go shopping and she is "Materialistic". Does that really intriuge you?

Is this really what YOU want Larken?

See, I was under the impression that you guys were struggling with house bills,car payments, electric,yada yada yada, not what's my next pair of shoes I should buy...

So, I ask you this again, Larken, is this really what you want for the next 20 years?

Larken.. during your relationship with her, was she always this way when it came to money?

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She wants me working because she likes to be left alone and go shopping.

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Oh hell no, not when I have to bust my butt working overtime!!

Champaign taste on a beer budget never works. If that's how she appreciates your efforts... she is out of here. She can do her shopping with out you, or your overtime.

Talaniman, I would green you again, but it won't let me!! You, my dear, are 100% correct!

She is what I really want for the next 20 years. I am happy to work so she can have nicer things usually but my only problem is she wants me to work more cause we can't afford both bills and her spending habbits. That's the problem. She is starting to realize that if she wants to splerge she has to make her own money for that. I have't done any thing for myself lately and I just started to really complain about it. I am finally able to get the things I need now cause she understands that I need some Joe money. But still wants me to work more but since I just got a supervisor position again she is laying off a little bit. Not that it is that much more pay but I think she is more laying off because I am asserting my dominance over the money. I am sorry but if she cannot handle things its time for Joe to step in and take over.

She has since calmed down about the money situation and we are no longer fighting about it. I really hate fighting because it brings out my depressed side and all the things that I have found going even a little bad get brought up. We have been fighting more and more lately and I am very sensitive to it and thus things get very tense in our relationship. She Being Bi-polar she could be great and tender one day but the next she could totally freak out. I don't like the freak outs of course but when she is not freaking out she is such a wonderful person. I love her so much and even with her quorks I would put up with pretty much anything. I know it sounds crazy, but this is the theme of our lives lol. Thanks for the advice, and now that I am standing up for myself things seem much more balanced.

Larken I know about money struggles, believe me. I'll give you a quick rundown of what I got to know I can relate pretty well. I got a mortgage, homeowners insurance, taxes, gas/electric, internet and TV, car payment, 2 insurances for cars, cell phone and gym membership plus a few more like school loans.

My fiancé is like yours as she has two kids, she gets help from the government but not much. She works 2 jobs(around 45 hrs between the two) and I work 40hrs at my job plus side jobs.

The trick, live WITHIN your means. Tell her if she's so worried about money, STOP GOING SHOPPING! She doesn't need a new outfit every week. A budget needs to be set an followed or else you will end up in more debt. And if you really think this marriage thing will work, try planning a wedding when the real stress comes in and a lot of costs.

I'm not trying to say this to scare you, but you really need to set limits to her spending as it's going to cost you, and it's your money. Money is the cause of a lot of living situations, it destroys friendships and relationships very quickly if you don't have a budget to live by

New issue, not that big of one but enough to tick me off.

Ok Fiancé and money yet again. This time it envolved my vacation pay. She decided that since the vacation pay was not here on time that we would pay everything late (I give her the money and she pays them cause they are all in her name). She takes off to bring the kids down south to see their father and she stay gone the entire spring break. She has family down there she was visiting. I had to work and wasn't worried about getting the time off. Well after she leaves about a half week later, I get my vacation pay. Its only $300 so its not like it was much anyway. I paid my mother the money I owed her and then including the money I was left with before she left I had about $500 total for the week to do with what I pleased (or so I thought.)

This is the first time I have spent any mony on myself in a long long time. And I still have $120 left. That's two weeks of normal expences and I spent a couple of hundred dollars. She did not talk to me much at all while she was away so I never had a chance to tell her that I got my vacation pay until she got back. When I told her how much I had left she about hit the roof. (the entire time I am under the impression that we were spending her tax money, which is coming the be 20th of this month, on all the bills and stuff. She was raving about how she only have $200 for her entire trip and she still has more than I do left (BULL CRAP RIGHT THERE) She got child support and SSI so I know she is lying.

On top of this she just decided to offer her mother $4000 out of her taxes without so much as telling me. But she wants me to ask her permission to spend the money I earn!

We agreed that I would pay half of the rent and bills in our apartment. Thing is, I am still not living there!! Why the heck does she think that I HAVE to pay rent and bills if she isn't letting me stay there? And what the heck makes her think that she can just make me feel like crap for spending a chunck of my money?

More over, how do I talk to her about the money and tell her that she is going to have to give me a break considering that I still don't live in the apartment that I am paying for. How do I explane things to her without her getting all super mad and making me feel bad. And How do I get her to stop making me feel bad for wanting to have a say in things like money?

I'm so stressed about it and the last thing I want to do is get into another fight with her about money. So any suggestions.

As a side note, and it may be the stress of it all talking, but I am starting to think that I am just to freakin young for this relationship and its tribulations. Guess I will have to face this stuff sometime huh? So why not now?

How come you're not living in the flat yet?

Me,I pay all the whatnots.where I live-nowhere else.

Stress or no stress,yes,you are young to have shouldered all these responsibilities.

Is this really what you want?

I just don't know amicon. I mean I know I love her with all my heart, but I just don't know if I have made the right choices anymore. I feel very obligated to stick with the choices I have made because I have made them and committed to them. I am so lost right now.

Only you can,of course,make your own choices,but,generally speaking,we are allowed to change our minds and admit that we have made the wrong choices.

I have to give you my honest opinion,I think your relationship lacks balance.

Added to not knowing if my choices were right I don't know how to talk to her about this without making her spaz out bawling about me leaving her and all that. She thinks I'm going to leave over the weakest things. This one isn't weak and I know its going to get to her real fast. I just don't know how to tell her how I feel without her thinking that I am just all of a sudden no longer in love with her. Ya know what I mean? Because I am in love with her and I love her with all my heart and soul. I just don't know if I am ready to shoulder all of this and now its been a year and a half, almost two, and I am just not realizing this and she is going to be so distrout that I am even thinking this way now.

I do not want to go any where, I love her and I do not want to leave. I just want to be less... stressed. I want less on my shoulders and to have less responsibilities. But that is a childish dream, I am an adult now and I have to face the fact that I will never be free of money issues... :(

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Originally Posted by amicon

I have to give you my honest opinion,I think your relationship lacks balance.

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You got that right. I feel like we are on a teeder-tot and I am the side that looks glued to the ground. (if we were actually on a teeder-tot this would probably happen for real lol because I weigh about 30 lbs more but anyways)

Well,if the two of you want this to work,you must find a way of communicating which works.

You can't sweep everything under the carpet for fear of upsetting her.

I know you're right. I just learned of a new way to connect to people (defusing tough siuations By saying you are sorry when you know you are right) and it is supposed to work on everybody but I tried it last night when she flew off the handle about the money but it so did not work at all. Like, I said "I'm sorry for not being tighter with my money and spending a little bit on myself. I should have made sure you knew my vacation pay was here." She just kept talking AT me about how irresponsible I have been with money and bla bla bla. I've heard it all before and it always ends the same way, with me feeling bad about spending a little amount of money on myself and then spending a lot of money on her which is just fine and dandy. She thought I was trying to make her feel bad when I appologized (and in all truth I was, but I was just trying to make her see my point).

I don't know, I guess I just got to go and sit her down and say something like "Hey, I have been thinking about our relationship a lot lately and our roles in it." That's all I got so far, the rest that I want to say is going to get me yelled at and condecended on... Wait a second, am I being verbally abused? Or emotionally for that matter? Why is it that I am afraid of her? I know we try not to make our significant others feel bad in general but why is it I am actually afraid to talk to her about how I feel? I know she is going to come down on me or get very insecure and sad (or at least act that way because she sure does it a lot for it to be really real every time. Maybe an over dramatization) All I know is I don't want to talk to her about it because I know that I am going to suffer some sort of emotional pain if I do. Is that being emotionally abused?

Emotionally abused?
Possibly.
Emotionally blackmailed-I'd have to say yes-what with the crocodile tears and tantrums.

I'm having a hard time understanding why your fiancée thinks she can demand all this of you.

If this wasn't your own thread,what advice would you give ?

I know what I would tell someone else to do. But it's a lot harder to wear the pants in the family when its your own situation. I can't lay down the law, I can't do anything like that because I am far too sensitive and I let her walk all over me. She has from day 1. I should have never given her that first couple of hundred dollars and I should have kept all of our bills and finances separate.
I would tell myself to move into your own place and quit waiting on her butt. Stop being a slave, you are not her employee, Just find yourself someone that respects you for all that you do for them.

But then I think, I can't find anyone who could show me more love and affection. I can't find someone who is going to be this in love with me and devoted to me. Then I think that that is the trade off and that I just need to shut up and quit complaining. Quit being a baby and stop wasting everyone's time. Stop complaining about this, in the grand scheme of things does it really even matter where your green paper has gone?

All the while I am sitting her with a sinking feeling that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I can't shake it, and I don't like it. I just don't want to know the pain of losing her. I don't want to put her in pain, and I never want to see her cry. I would protect her with all my strength and I would give my life for hers, but I just can't be a door mat. I can't tell her that's how I feel though because she will yell about how she in no way walks on me and all that. Because she herself cannot see that what she does is wrong. Her mother and her friend (that both hate me) tell her she is mean to me. I just want to scream!! I can't let my emotions out about it because I can't control my emotions that well and I will say things that I just do not want to say. I always go too far with my complaints and it always turns into the blame game. Because I hold it in for too long. When I let it out when it happens we fight too much. I try to decided what is really important and what really matters to be, or if it is even worth bringing up, but honestly I feel like its almost wrong to have to say "its not worth the fight" every single day.


You all know I know how this is going to end, I can't deny it if I can't change her attutude and her "emotional black-mailing"

Sometimes being in love isn't enough.

It does sound like its heading for a fall.

How about counseling?

I could try to get her to do that. I donno if she'll go for it. She don't think our problems are as big as I think they are

How did this relationship go so bad in something like 5 days?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ng-462847.html

This sounds like way too much drama for a relationship and in the middle of all this are two kids.
This lady has a money cow and will not let go of it until she drains you dry.
You need to decide if you want to waste your youth on this woman because this situation is not going to change. She has you by the purse and the balls.

I suggest you let this lady go. She has too much control over you and it sounds as if you know it's not right, but you can't stand your ground with her. This is not a good or healthy relationship.

Hi Larken, just so you know, finances are the biggest cause of break ups in a MARRIAGE. Having said that, YOUR FEAR of standing up for yourself, is at the root of your problem. Its not the money but the reaction and actions of her disagreeing with you.

See she has no problem getting her way because she knows exactly how to back you down, and its very obvious, you let her.

One of the things many of us do is let our partners have their way because we are afraid to confront them with the reality as we see it.

In this case its not a lack of communications, as you both know exactly what the other one thinks, and wants. Its just your side that is handicapped by an unwillingness to NOT give in to her emotional display, and give her what she wants.

I think you let her rant and rave and cuss and swear, and give her a few days to vent, and cool off, while you stick to your guns about what's fair in your mind. If you do not relent, then she must rethink her position, and tactics, and find a better approach. Or leave you alone. All her choices to make. Let her.

That's non-verbal communications, and is as important as talking, and listening, and sometimes more so. Look guy, she knows your feelings, and she also knows she will get her way because, you have always caved when she guilts you into something. Many of us men (females too, to be fair), are suckers for the emotional onslaught of our partners, but over time, and usually because we are sick of being the one that always caves, even when we are right, we start to stand up, and say NO, when its necessary, and even push back, when they take it to far.

I think its fair to stand up for what's right, when you believe it, and even to strongly disagree when they are dead wrong, or unfair.

That's what my advice to you is. Learn to stand up for your beliefs, and not get pushed around, because as its important to love, and protect our partners, its even more important to love yourself.

She cannot abuse, or blackmail your heart, or intimidate, and manipulate, your thinking, unless you let her.

Love is not being a victim to another to have their way. Love is not always giving them what they want at your expense. Love is not eating their crap either, if you know that doesn't work for you.

The way I see it, as you seem to want to make her happy with all your heart, sometimes being an unmoving brick wall is also showing love when its necessary. (tough love)

Whether you know it or not, she is very carried away by the power you give her, and at some point, you make a stand and say "enough and what your doing is not fair and I ain't going for it!!" Then you have to stand your ground.

Your dignity and self respect will love you for it, trust me. So will she, if she loves, and respects you, for who you are and not what you give her, as much as you do her.

Forget the fear of her reactions, and actions, as there is no argument as to whether your right or wrong. Doesn't matter who is. You have to face her fury with the calm strength, that a cool head, will outlast a furious one.

Sometimes you have to meet the challenge head on to resolve it. Not slink away, and turn your anger, and frustrations on yourself, especially since this is an ongoing, frustration.

You aren't the only guy to face these problems, and will hardly be the last. But the bottom line is how you define YOURSELF, and deal with it according to what you think is fair, and right, and not be swayed by an emotional argument, that you clearly see is wrong.

When you accept bad behavior, you will ALWAYS get more.

I suspect that this is one of the problems in a relationship with a big age difference when the older female's virtues include a mothering instinct. She continues to "mother" in all phases of the relationship.