Hi everyone , I have been reading a lot on this board and now the time arrived to ask a serious question since I am starting losing it .I have been in a relationship for 4 years on and off with lots of breakups and get together again and I am kind of exhausted by this pattern .I am 30 years old and my SO is younger than me he is 22. We fought about how we felt in the beginning because I was very concerned abou him being so young and unexpirienced but I went into it anyway and we really shared a lot good moments and bad moments together . M e being the experienced one I was like a constant in his life the only constant he could rely on when having his issues and hard time with his family and his school . All his problems were mine and I fought for him like crazy , yet we had many issues and for a year or more whenever we have a fight he breaks up with me and doesn't want to communicate or to resolve it , he sais he thinks he doesn't love me anymore . Usually 3 weeks pass by , three wees of no contact and he pips up somehow drunk or just calling but he just walks back into my life and stupidly I let him . It happened again on February the 12 th , he came back from a 5 day vacation with his family and because I was not very enthusiastic about his journey he came back to tell me that he realised he no longer loves me and he wants out . I was hurt but I accepted and didn't call him at all .On valentine s day he shows up and knocks on my door kind of drunk and starts to kiss me as fi nothing had happened.I reacted and asked him what was that all about ,he said nothing so I started to cry and told him that I am tired of this behaviour , he said again that he doesn't think he loves me , he is just used to me and he will never show up at my door , it was a mistake , I said that I want him to leave me alone he promissed he would and left . 3 weeks no contact and yesterday I was invited to a mutual friend`s birthday.. I never looked at him , he dran heavily , I left after 2 hours and in 15 minutes after I left he knocked at my door pretending to be very drunk and explained to me how good his single life was and how he is convinced that we are over for good . I played along and told him I thought the same and I am sure now that we don't love each other anymore . He opened a bottle of wine and wanted me to drink with him and afetr drinking some more he admitted still being attracted to me but without any feelings , I said that's OK we will not be together again and he left . Now my question is .is he confused ? Doesn't he know what he is doing ? Or he is playing with me ? I think that I can't take this anymore .

Yes he is playing with you, he is using you as a booty call! When he is drunk and horny he tries to get with u!

You tell him you're not willing to be his bootycall and go no contact.

Too many red flags-multiple breakups.his drinking problem and yes,the age difference.
He has a lot of growing up to do.

Sorry you are hurting,but its time to move on.

He a 22 year old teenage boy,not ready for a serious relationship,and clueless.

Stay out of this one,I don't think he is playing you,just very immature.

Move on,there are plenty of nice decent men out there,take time to recover from this and you will,and when your ready start dating again,make the boundries clear and enjoy dating without getting too serious too soon.

Thanks guys for your replies . I am strong in not contacting him I don't even feel the urge and I develop a great atitude about myself when he is not around , but when he aproches me I can't be rude and all the anger melts away .

No contact,is the best way to go,if he does come around,let him know your not interested and close the door,you can be nice,but firm... however nice but firm,may not always get the message across.

Keep busy,hit the gym or through yourself into work,get out with your friends and make time for family,there's loads out there to keep you busy,and after a while you'll wonder when you see him 'what the hell was I thinking!

Stay clear away from him.He has nothing too offer you. He is way too young. Guys that age, are into getting serious in a relationship. Look for someone more your age. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by arllina

thanks guys for your replies . i am strong in not contacting him i dont even feel the urge and i develop a great atitude about myself when he is not around , but when he aproches me i can't be rude and all the anger melts away .

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Remember the bad stuff he does when you see him, and want better for yourself.

You sound to me like you are mothering him. I suspect there is something lacking, or something you are unaware of that you cannot see it as an inappropriate and unbalanced relationship. Why do you need someone like that in your life.

He still lives at home from what I can gather, is still in high school, still growing up the hard way (with the booze), and has no understanding of what a healthy relationship is with a girl, let alone a 30 year old woman.

While some at age 22 are hard working, mature individuals, clearly this one is not. His age is not so much the barrier, as his lifestyle and level of maturity.

Do you have children? Have you been married? I suspect that regardless of that, at age 30 you have had a lot more life experience than he has. I suspect with how you have described him, he's going nowhere fast, and will probably be very needy for a long time.

More importantly, it might be time to take an inventory of your own life, and find a more mature, stable individual to invest your time and love in.

I am 24 and my fiancé is 36. The 2 years between me and your ex seem to make a world of difference. I do nothing but work and love. If I drink (which is less than two to three times a year) I am responsible about it. You may like having that young lover as my fiancé must but I know you must still have issues with the immaturity. This guy sounds like a friend of mine actually, he drinks every night and every day, he is at every party and get together. Difference is my friend is 28, a hard worker, and is getting engaged to the woman of his dreams who is also 28. Not to pass judgment on anyone but maybe you still need some growing up to do. How is it that you cannot tell a kid to go away for good? He is a kid for pete's sake. And I am not talking about his age here I have no room to talk about age differences.

Thanks for yhe posts , I guess I agree with what you have written above . I am mothering him and maybe that's why he is treating me like this knowing that I ll be available always . I really weant out and I want to teach him a lesson too . Thanks

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, and since you do want out, you HAVE to go total NC. That means - don't talk to him on e-mail, the phone, by text or Facebook. Don't even answer you're door if he knocks. I know it's hard and out of your comfort zone to completely stay away, but it is the only way to get out and be mentally healthy about it.

You got to figure out what you want.

You got into this with a 22 year old, that was good in the beginning, then not. What were you thinking?

Just go NC & chalk this up to a mistake on your part. After all, you're older, you should now better. Hehehe. That was the issue, right?

Now you know. Take some responsibility here. By learning.

It seems he is dating a 16 year old girl now and he tries his best in letting me find out . I had no reaction to it but it kind of bothers me , cause on women`s day he didn't think I deserved a message , yet he took this girl out on a date with flowers which is not really his style . I am very pissed off by I am sticking to no contact , I just feel so rejected and down and I now have my first sleepless night because of this . Please help me with some advice . What do I do if he shows up with her at a birthday we are both invited ? I want to make him feel like the jerk he is

Don't give this jerk the ego boost of knowing your jealous, or that you care at all when ever you see him, especially if she is with him. It's a party, and look to have a great time with fun people.

Yup, he is no longer your problem.
Thank god.

Your 30 & he's dating a 16 year old?
Shows you who's the adult here.

Don't sacrifice fun for the sake of him.

If you want to start REALLY accelerating the healing process, give yourself a good smack by getting with a 22yr old. And why.

Especially this guy.

May shed some light into why you feel like crap.

What is it you want & how you spend your time.

He is a jerk, but really, focusing on how you can make sure that he feels it is wasted energy. And kind of "jerk-ish" too...

Try to find some peace in knowing that he is a messed up jerk, but he doesn't have to be your messed up jerk...

And honestly, I don't blame you... but you chose to date a young man. Who is still a young man. It's a risk you took and while it was fun it was worth it, maybe... this is the other side of it.

Id think no differently if it were a 30 year old male dating a just 20 something female... it doesn't have to be a train wreck, but if it is... most people are not shockingly surprised.

So... please don't scheme about how to make sure he feels as bad as you think he should feel about who he is... you're upset and hurt and that's normal... but feel sad for him and move on.

He is online now , we haven't been talking for two weeks , he knows I found out about his new girlfriend and I assume he wants a reaction which he won't have . Now he puts on a status which drives me mad but I stick to my nc .It says " i live ...you stay ...i am all that you desire , yet you can t have me " does it sound written in purpose for me to see it ? Should I take it personaly ? I am not going to react but I really want to know if I am paranoid . It seems he is putiing it there to make me feel bad that he is well and happy and I just stay...

Well done for keeping your NC!

Do yourself a huge favour and block the so-and-so from whatever social networking sites you are on.

Act as if he doesn't exists anymore.

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.I am 30 years old and my SO is younger than me he is 22

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Sorry to be harsh, but how does a 30 year old female let a kid of 22 get her goat.

You can see what he is doing, he is playing immature games, and while not reacting, You are still bringing yourself down (way down) to his level. Get out of this school yard crap, its belittling to you.

Yes , I agree you are perfectly right , yet I can't seem to get past my insecurities and I simply don't understand why is he doing this ? What is his problem ? It was four years of my life where I was the one who stood beside him and gave him all he could dream of ,and I mean all , I was his family , his best friend his personal councelor , yet he can't let me go normaly , he has to make intentionate attempts to make me feel like crap and I simply don't understand why .I am not going to contact him ever but it still leaves me wondering . And I am reading into everything .and I am trying o figure if he uses this girl to get at me or he is so over me ?

Does it really matter? He is acting like the kid that he is, and I suspect he was always a jerk, but you chose to ignore it.

What do you really expect from a kid you raised? I know your just venting those hurt feelings, so I do not mean to be cruel, but given your hurt, its hard to be objective, but the questions you raised are only feelings, as you cope with this break up.

Keep ignoring him. For your own good.

if you haven't figured it out yet, i give long and drawn out, rambling answers. Oops. Wired like that. Especially when I've been through the same noise...

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Originally Posted by arllina

yes , i agree you are perfectly right , yet i can't seem to get past my insecurities and i simply don't understand why is he doing this ?

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first step to feeling different is talking different. Might sound like semantics and headcase fluff, but the "i can't get over him" is a little catastrophizing (that is a real word, no matter what the editing program says)... its like "ill never find love again" or "i wont ever get over this"... i remember when my first Big Love crashed and burned thinking "am i going to always be alone?"... wow... uh, no... actually... I'm not so broken that not one of a few billion people on this earth would find me at least worth a second look.

no... you can get over this... you are struggling to deal with stupid behavior. You are having a hard time getting through this... but you can get over it.

some people deal with pain by becoming angry. They shift the anger onto other people and deflect it onto other things. He is propping himself up by his silly d^%$ waving and grandstanding... that he will survive and flourish and he never needed you in the first place...

OK... right...

so WHY is it so important for him to make you feel how "good" he is without you? Its smoke and mirrors. Even if he wants the breakup, he obviously got some self worth through this relationship and now that he can't draw on it to make himself feel better, he will lash out instead of work through the pain in a constructive way. Instead of accepting "this sucks and i hate how this feels but its ok" he is settling for "she is the broken one, not me"

personally, while i think it sucks you are having to deal with his noise, i feel bad for the new girl. She is going to get a major mind*&*^ by the time he is done with this noise.

so... you can get over this and you can get through this. You just don't get why in the world you need to hear all this terrible noise from him.

I've had a few ugly breakups on my side and one that involved very hurtful behavior thrown at me. And after the shock and disbelief... the initial "what did i do to deserve this" and "didnt what we have mean anything at all"... i let myself step back and be pi$$ed.

if he were doing this to a friend of yours, you wouldn't struggle with the personal hurt. You'd be ticked. Mad. Furious. Well... nothing like a little anger to cut some of those emotional ties... now... if you let that build into the "now i must make him suffer" noise... well then you are in the ring and trying to fight his fight.

people sometimes hear "turn the other cheek" and think that means be willing to be punked. Be weak. Its not like that at all. That statement completely challenged the moral laws of the time (wont go into that) and basically means show the other person your personal power by demonstrating they have no power over you. That hitting at you does nothing. That hurting you does not place you below that attacker.

that's an analogy, of course, and they are times when it isn't so clear cut... not saying physical violence against you is OK... anybody wants to talk about confrontational nonviolence, lets open another thread...

but this guy only has power over you if you give it to him. You can change how you feel by thinking about your beliefs... and if you stop thinking "what we had was great... what did i do to deserve this" and start telling yourself "the great part is in the past. this behavior is not from a lover. it is the dumbarse bs from an ex who is immature and lashing out"... well, eventually you will actually believe it...

again... might sound like headcase mumbo jumbo, but it works. I've used it. And if anything can moderate my bad irish temper and make me turn from some primal desire for revenge and matching a blow with a blow, i think its worth a try.

tell yourself anything for long enough and you usually begin to believe it... so tell yourself your relationship was good for a time, not all time... and when things went to hell, you got to see a side of him that shows how off he is for you...

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what is his problem ? It was four years of my life where i was the one who stood beside him and gave him all he could dream of ,and i mean all , i was his family , his best friend his personal councelor , yet he can't let me go normaly , he has to make intentionate attempts to make me feel like crap and i simply don't understand why.

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you can't take an inventory of time and energy spent on a past relationship and usually come out feeling like your investment grew by leaps and bounds. Yes... you gave time and energy to a relationship that didn't last.

you don't deserve to be treated poorly. But stop trying to rationalize irrational thought and behavior. Stop overthinking it. He has some good attributes that you found charming... he has some real issues dealing with conflict and you don't need to own that. Its his problem. His "defect".

Kp2171 thanks a lot for your time and effort to write such a detalied answer . It really helped and I am seriously considering your advice . I need to show myself not him that whatever he does won't get to me . I just saw him randomly a while ago all alone and bitter walking in a bar where I was holding a meeting with an organization I am presiding . He came and greeted everyone and I smiled , gave him a form to sign for animal protection. He took it , played it cool never looked me in the eyes , kept looking down then went and bought a drink and by the time he was back I was ready to go . I greeted nicely and left him there without any feeling really . I was happy and confident at that meeting and he seemed a bitter confused person with no goals in his life who is just wandreing trying to feel the void that I left . This really gives me another perspective on things . Thank you so much for your nice words

Additional information , I am very busy with my scheduale , I conduct an irish dance group 17 students and we are having a lot of shows around this area . I am succesfull in what I do , I am also an english teacher and my students are very close to me , he is just someone who couldn't learn from all I tried to help me get a sense of his life and besides being in a motorcycle club he does nothing else . So yes as I am writing this I can see that I am better off without him . We are from romania by the way

Glad that went well...

Step by step.

Give yourself "permission" to have good days and also bad moments. Somehow just accepting that they will come seems better than being anxious about when it'll hit...

Its his loss.
You seen to have a happy life,so keep going and keep ignoring him.

I am 22 as well, but it really sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. Keep yourself busy and in time you will learn from this experience and see that you're really better off without him and all those games!

New update he texted if I could throw him 3 cigarettes cause he has ran out of them . He maybe expected to ask him to come up for them . I replied sure . As a favour . I droped the cigarettes in the snow and closed the window right after . I felt really powerful he didn't expect it cause he assumed I was going to tell him about his date to go ask her for cigarettes but I did not want to show him that what he does hurts me . :) thanks guys it really helps reading your posts

Nice one.
That's how he sees you. What you are good for.

And you ran & gave him what he wanted, just like always.
Whoops.

You need to go NC dear. Forget this child. There's adults out there.

Don't be a babysitter anymore.

Makes me wonder why? What is it you want out of a relationship?


My whoops.
Sorry, misread your text. Im bleary eyed. Long day.

Good for you. Congrats. Keep it up. Hope he doesn't try anymore.

Goes to show you.

arllina,

Don't play games with NC.
Stop being there

He's showing his true colors. And probably always have. You just didn't see it for your own reasons.

3 cigarettes?

I hope you are worth more than that in this world.

Never speak to this guy again. Text or otherwise.

His mommy & teacher left the building.

Im wracking my brain why dug this guy.
Young, cute, good lay? Needed a woman to teach him? Made you feel wanted?

Funny, now he's got a 16 year old.
I guess he didn't really learn, just used you.

Run from this disgusting child.

You learn. He doesn't.

Hello , he is a very troubled child I guess . He is not dating that girl , he went to her on women`s day and told all my friends he was bored and went to watch a movie .Afetr that date he just mentioned to everyone he is not interested in anyone just the girls won't leave him alone . He is always drunk and he messeged me last night that "i am so drunk ".I never replied .He called my best friend and told her that he is bored and drunk and drank a lot at a chick s place . And my friend told him good for you . He is now on line and has a status referring to "how beautiful you are but i want you to love me and it seems you allready love someone else ". I ignore him and I won't talk to him ever but I am enjoying his attempts to make me react . I guess he hurts in his ego now more than I did . Thanks

Well,leave him to stew in it.
Delete him from your online accounts and stop getting running commentaries from all and sundry on his comings and goings.

The beauty of total NC is the freedom of knowledge about an ex.

It doesn't matter what they think,do or who they may or may not be dating.

You're in charge of your own life again.

The mutual friend birthday party we both attented was a nightmare , I was a complete idiot and I so much regret it . I broke no contact and now I have no idea what to do from here . He behaved like the bastrad he is and he drank and made a fool out of himself .He ignored the date he was supposed to be dating and he told me that he has none interest for her , and I told him lie a stupid that I know he tried to make me jelous but he chose the wrong girl .I can't be jelous on a little girl since I am a woman and for him to replace me with a girl is really stupid and his macho qualities lack totally since he couldn't find anything better , then he started to yell at me that he has nothing to do with her and I stood up from the chair next to him and told him he has no right to yell at me in public and that we were just having a conversation why getting so emotional . The rest of the evening he drank heavily and made a fool out of himself screaming and singing and dancing with all the chicks except the girl I mentioned . I left early . Did I do a huge mistake ? Please what should I do to undo my mistake

You chalk it up to experience and go back to zero contact and stick to it.

So he is a drunken jerk-thats his problem,not yours.

Stay as far away from this drunkard as humanly possible, or don't get upset if the same thing happens again. Your mistake was trying to have a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable drunk. No Contact forever, is your solution, no matter what he does, or says.

Allina,
Don’t let him influence your mood.
You paid enough already for the fun party with young kid.
Leave it all behind, ignore the worthless kid, and move on.
I am so amazed you still let the kid bother you that much.

Yes , I am amazed at myself too , and I was so confident I will be able to stick to my plan , but once seeing him made me say everything I held inside and now I feel I am at square one and he is very proud that he managed to piss me off and he is flattered because I seemed jelous and I just want him to feel miserable for all he did to me .

Forgive yourself for being human and making a mistake.

Its not about how he possibly gloats,its about how you leave him to his sad little life and heal so that you can move on.