Ask Me Help Desk - Need help in getting over false hope.

Need help in getting over false hope.

Threads merged

Fair warning: please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Background info: dated my ex for about 3 years (3 this March). We broke up many times due to me being childish and playing games. I would say one thing and mean another. I also would get angry at the littlest things. I recognized my faults and sought professional help... but I'm not improving too much. My ex broke up with me a month ago for the first time. Its always been me who initiated the break ups (we had about 5 in 3 years, longest one was 1 month). I kept breaking up because I thought that I could always win him back. Now, I realize that he is completely done with me. I called and texted and he response with "I'm sorry. I can not."
I know I got us to this end. I blame myself. Now, I see him out and about with friends and girls and is doing o.k. while I'm trying to just get through the day without crying. I know I have to focus on myself and make myself happy, but I can't get over the idea that if I wait a month or two months, he will give me another chance. This is not healthy and I want to stop thinking this way.
Has anyone gone through this? Where you were the one who caused the break and realize that you should get over it and not live in the past.

All I will say is, everyone will always have that false hope for awhile. I still have it.

BWK10: How long ago was your break-up?

He seems fine with it because he'd thought about it for a while before the breakup , so his emotional turmoil has been dealt with and he's probably fine now which is generally the case for the Dumper.

"How do you deal with the False Hope"?

You accept that it's over and get on with the healing process , read the stickies at the top of the forum for some great articles on how to do this. Then once you've healed (and it doesn't happen overnight) you'll be in a far better place to decide if your really right for each other if he ever does come back , but I wouldn't be holding my breath on that happening.

Good Luck!

You guys have just been going through a vicious circle! Its time to end the circle, the relationship wasn't going anywhere! You will be much happier with someone else with a fresh start.
Good luck

I understand your feedback dynocompe. But right now, my heart is so focused on my ex. I keep remembering the good times we had and also, of course, the bad times I often start. I want him to give me another chance so badly that I'm starting to not be myself anymore. He makes me want to be a better person(in a relationship).

Stop giving your ex all this power to control your feelings and your life. He said he won't be back. There is nothing you can do to force him to come back. And would you want him back if he was forced? I think not.

Learn from this experience, and move forward.

Just to offer my "advice" having gone through this recently, only a month ago today. I know how your feeling, however... I think its time to let this one go. Begin your healing, he isn't coming back like he said, my ex said the same thing to me... I never even asked for her back, another chance.

It's a difficult thing to accept, I still have false hope she will come back too... she was my first true, true, true love. She even texted me a few days ago, saying "Hey" and immediately I thought she wanted to tell me something, like she hesitated, never said much and that was it.

Go into no contact right away, I know its difficult and you'll think about him a lot. The first week is most difficult, I cried all the time... the thought of not having her in my life anymore was terrible. Days, weeks go by... it gets easier, everyday I miss her less and less.

Again, thinking about past times... nothing wrong with it in my opinion. You remember good times you had together, why forget times when/where you were actually happy? One specific time I personally remember from my relationship is remembering the times I would be at the door waiting for her, seeing the smile come across her face every time.

Hello Peek,

No, I have not been the one to initiate the break up and make up, however, I have had a man do that to me... Many times throughout our relationship. It's like "the boy who cried wolf". After a while,it gets old, and when I was in that situation, I was the one who had ended it once and for all! This man that you speak of most likely grew tired and immune to all of these breaking and making ups...

It is good that you own up and see that it is a problem for you. I think that you may need to work on YOURSELF first before you even try to have a relationship. I'm not saying that this is the end of your ex. I am just sayng, really try and find out why it is that you do this, because there really shouldn't be any of that going on in a relationship. A good relationship consists of trust, communication, and making the other person feel special! Not saying hurtful things and breaking up with them when ever the going gets tough.

As far as False hope, well, all I can say is if he is moving on then maybe it is time for you to move on as well. Focus on YOURSELF!

I wish you luck!

Wondergirl:
I want to move on. I really do. I hate feeling like this. I want to make things right with him. I truly love him and realize how wrong I was to treat him that way. I want to use my realization with him and no one else.

Quote:

He makes me want to be a better person(in a relationship).

Obviously he didn't, which is why you got dumped. Maybe its time you forget about the relationship, and started making yourself better, just because you need to.

Yeah, you have to understand he said he's not coming back. Accept it, it's hard... I KNOW. I still love and miss my ex dearly, but she isn't coming back.

Would you ever give this man, your ex, another chance if you saw that he really loved you and was trying to change how he treated you?

Hello again Peek,

I did give my ex a chance, EIGHT chances, which is why I ended it once and for all!

If my ex wanted to try again, without hesitation I would. Two strikes your out, not three.

After getting dumped by you so many times, and having to put up with your crap, I would never take you back. So do your changes to be a better person.

Change for yourself,not to get somebody back.

And change you need to do,its not surprising that he finally gave up on you,having been dumped so many times.

Good luck.

Having a hard time letting go...

Me again. I slipped and broke the NC rule. Its been a full week since I last contacted my ex. (last Sunday, after seeing a picture of him holding another girl). I know I'm asking for hurt. He has made it clear that it is over. I want to accept this.

I am trying to keep myself busy. I'm not sitting at home on the computer. But I'm still having a hard time with this. I want him to be happy and respect his wishes, but I still want to know how he is doing and if he is missing me (not healthy, I know). I get really hurt when I see him with other girls. Its only been a month since he broke up with me... but I guess, HE broke up with me, so its not that soon for him.

I want to get better and out of this rut of jealously and not letting go and accepting the situation. It should no longer be my concern... but I can't help it. I've blocked and deactivated my social network accounts that Sunday. I want to feel better. And I'm not...

Its very hard, we all know that, but you have to stick with it. Not for him, for you.

Start making plans for your summer programme-it sounds really exciting!

Other than that,keep busy,stop trying to find out what he is up to-one day at the time.

Stay NC,it works.

Take care.

I hope it wasn't a mistake.

Threads merged again

I activated my Facebook tonight. I hope its not a mistake. I went and saw my ex's profile. I noticed that he took all of our photos off from all the trips we took together. He kept other pictures where I was not in it. I understand. I'm just really hurt. I still have so much false hope. :(

I was good for a full week... and I slipped today. :-(

Update: I deactivate it again.

It is not having a face book, it is going to see the ex pages, why do you care what they have done,

If you don't have enough strengh to igore her, then deactivate, the pages do nothing, so you have a page, get rid of x's as friends and don't visit their pages

UPDATE: I'm back to step one. I have my days where I think I feel fine and then I'll have days where its like the first day again. I'm so hurt and lost.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

UPDATE: I'm back to step one. I have my days where I think I feel fine and then I'll hav days where its like the first day again. I'm so hurt and lost.

That can be a normal part of the process.

Just remind yourself of the good days and how/why you felt fine. Soon the good days will outweigh the bad.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope this is a lesson learned. The lesson is- "Don't play games with people". I honestly feel sympathy for him in the fact that he had to go through the pain of your games and breakups for three years. And Im happy for him that he finally had enough of it and had the courage and peace to move on, and now he can be happy. My on and off girlfriend of three years has done that to me constantly. I know how it feels to be played with. Now you know how he felt when you were pushing him aside. Im sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. But hopefully you have learned and will never do that again with another, for their sake.

It is a lesson learned. I know I was in the wrong for putting him through my childish ways. He has moved on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

It is a lesson learned. I know I was in the wrong for putting him through my childish ways. He has moved on.

Good. Now do him a favor and just leave him alone to be happy.

darkdays:
You sound an aweful lot like my ex. He too was struggling in the career field and he too was getting a lot of bad luck. He is still very polite to me when I slip and text him. I agree with you. I want him to be happy. And I'm trying very hard to get rid of this false hope and move on. But its not easy. As poorly as I treated him, I still had my good aspect. I really love this person... I just didn't know the right way of showing it to him until it was too late. The old saying is correct: you don't know what you have until you've lost it. I had to learn this one the hard way. And I'm still learning. I don't want to be selfish anymore.

k.

Well... just about everybody at some time has been in that place where you are hating being alone, wanting to know your ex is more miserable without you than with you, etc.

Seems to be a lot of threads these days on the boards with people having a really hard time with the misery of breakup... is it the weather? Changing of the season? Don't know.

All I can tell you is expect to feel like crap. And be OK with feeling like crap. If you keep putting your hand in a fire, at some point you anticipate the burn... and the pain after.

So you need to worry less about why or how he is moving on... and more about why you are struggling with feeling secure and struggling with control issues... whether you are in a relationship or out of one...

There's more than a few billion people on this earth. I'm thinking one or two of them might also be a decent fit.

But before you even try to go there... you need to spend time with yourself. Alone.

And a lot of people don't like spending time with themselves. Time to do it. Work through this noise of manipulating and playing games. Time to figure out why you need to control others and why you don't feel secure with others.

And when he was going through his streak of bad luck, I bet he would have appreciated you being a pillar in his life instead of playing the games. Just the same thing Im going through.
Im sorry if Im coming off a little brash, but when the person that claims to love you so much just plays games with your emotions when you need them the most, it's abusive and hurts like crazy.
But I give you credit in coming clean about what you have done and seem to show remorse for it.
It's just so sad that there are tons of people in this world, and right here that go through that with the ones they love. I just don't understand how someone could do that for their own selfish reasons without caring what they are doing to the person they claim to love. When are people going to learn to grow up and stop hurting others. And I don't think that it's something that should have to be learned, it's something people should not want to do because it shouldn't be in their heart to do so.

I understand what you are saying darkdays.
I'm not trying to give excuses, but I had a homelife where drama was a regular occurrence. My parents were not well suited for each other, but they remained together. In their situation (as I now realize), was a unique one. I learned that you really don't have a choice in who you fall in love with, but you do have a choice in being with them. I was under the impression that if you love someone, you will always be with them... I now understand otherwise. Love is not unconditional.

I did not mean to hurt my ex. This was my first love and I did not know what a healthy relationship looked like. He tried to tell me and yes, I did not understand the pain I was putting him through. And I will never want to do that again to him. I can't take back the way I treated him, but I really wish in my heart of heart that he would let me SHOW him how much I've learned from this. But, it is wishful thinking, I know. I have to be alone and work out my issues. I just hope...

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

I understand what you are saying darkdays.
I'm not trying to give excuses, but I had a homelife where drama was a regular occurance. My parents were not well suited for each other, but they remained together. In their situation (as I now realize), was a unique one. I learned that you really don't have a choice in who you fall in love with, but you do have a choice in being with them. I was under the impression that if you love someone, you will always be with them.....I now understand otherwise. Love is not unconditional.

I did not mean to hurt my ex. This was my first love and I did not know what a healthy relationship looked like. He tried to tell me and yes, I did not understand the pain I was putting him through. And I will never want to do that again to him. I can't take back the way I treated him, but I really wish in my heart of heart that he would let me SHOW him how much I've learned from this. But, it is wishful thinking, I know. I have to be alone and work out my issues. I just hope...

Can I ask you something? And be honest. What did playing these games do for you?

Just remember that with every mistake , as long as you learn from it , come's the new and improved you.

There will be more love in your life but first you need to re-group and just date yourself for a while.

darkdays:
The games gave me reassurance that he loved me. I would say, "no, its o.k. you don't have to come over cause' its kinnda late." and if he says o.k. I feel bad because he doesn't want to see me. But if he says, "I don't care how late it is." it makes me feel loved. I know, its childish. I'm working on being honest and telling my partner what's REALLY on my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

darkdays:
the games gave me reassurance that he loved me. I would say, "no, its o.k. you don't have to come over cause' its kinnda late." and if he says o.k. I feel bad because he doesn't want to see me. But if he says, "I don't care how late it is." it makes me feel loved. I know, its childish. I'm working on being honest and telling my partner what's REALLY on my mind.

I never thought of it that way. So what you are saying is that you did it because of your own insecurities? Not to necessarily hurt him?

I wanted to come off as a confident person, so I would say things that sounded like I didn't care. I thought if he didn't know HOW MUCH I cared for him, he wouldn't take advantage of my feelings. Silly as it sounds, I thought that guys like the chase and once they get it, they don't want it anymore.

So, long answer short, yes I am very insecure when it comes to relationships. I never wanted to intentionally hurt him. I always feel crappy when I hurt him. I kept breaking up with him because I didn't want to treat him the way I did. But when we break up, I missed him so much and I was weak and selfish. I made a vow to be a better person and treat him better when we got back together... but my insecurities always got the better of me. I am seeking professional help and it has made me realize this but my habits hasn't changed yet, hence the final breakup.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

I wanted to come off as a confident person, so I would say things that sounded like I didn't care. I thought if he didn't know HOW MUCH I cared for him, he wouldn't take advantage of my feelings. Silly as it sounds, I thought that guys like the chase and once they get it, they don't want it anymore.

So, long answer short, yes I am very insecure when it comes to relationships. I never wanted to intentionally hurt him. I always feel crappy when I hurt him. I kept breaking up with him because I didn't want to treat him the way I did. But when we break up, I missed him soo much and I was weak and selfish. I made vow to be a better person and treat better when we got back together....but my insecurities always got the better of me. I am seeking professional help and it has made me realize this but my habits hasn't changed yet, hence the final breakup.

This is so unbelievable. You sound so much like my girlfriend. I hope you can stay with me on this for a little while, I have so many questions. Because this sounds like it may be the same thing with her.
When we would get together after not seeing each other for a while, she would ask if I was excited to see her. And if I didn't act excited, she would get into a mood. When she would break up with me, she would do so in a really strong and mean way. And there were a few times when she would break it off that I would just say OK, that's fine, and the next few days she would call me asking me what's wrong with me, but she was the one breaking it off, and I would just agree to it. She would act as if I was supposed to be upset and chase after her. Does any of that sound like it's because she is insecure and was just trying to make sure I loved her?

Yeah.
You're correct when you said "as if I was supposed to be upset and chase after her." Yes, I wanted my ex- to chase after me, to prove his love for me, go give 110% of himself to me...
What I didn't see was what I DIDN'T give him.

Your girlfriend needs to know that she will lose you, FOR GOOD, if she continues her treatment of you. She might not process that because you guys got back together (as I did with my ex.) after multiple break ups. So, she might (and I'm not speculating here) not take you serious, like me with my ex.

I can't give any definite answers, as I am still going through the emotions. Very situation is different. I know what I did wrong and until your girlfriend realizes how she contributes to the relationship (whether positively or negatively), I'm not sure her treatment of you will change.

Hope that helps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

Yeah.
You're correct when you said "as if I was supposed to be upset and chase after her." Yes, I wanted my ex- to chase after me, to prove his love for me, go give 110% of himself to me.....
What I didn't see was what I DIDN'T give him.

Your girlfriend needs to know that she will lose you, FOR GOOD, if she continues her treatment of you. She might not process that becuase you guys got back together (as I did with my ex.) after multiple break ups. So, she might (and I'm not speculating here) not take you serious, like me with my ex.

I can't give any definite answers, as I am still going through the emotions. Very situation is different. I know what I did wrong and until your gf realizes how she contributes to the relationship (whether positively or negatively), I'm not sure her treatment of you will change.

Hope that helps.

So does that mean she actually does love me and is afraid of losing me? I that why she tests me so much?