This doesn't have anything to do with me specifically, but with all these threads about ex's wanting you back, or you wanting your ex back, is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex?

I mean, people grow apart, people change their minds back and forth, and certain events in life may rekindle feelings for someone in the past. Perhaps even a chance meeting, leading to coffee or lunch, may start up something which both parties thought had been put to rest. The thing is, reunions/second rounds DO HAPPEN, but the question is, is it healthy?

It's portrayed in movies all the time, and though movies should no way be taken as a map for conducting one's actions in real life, it's interesting how getting the ex back/second chances are the "happy endings" in movies. Perhaps there is a hidden, subconcious truth to this portrayal?

So for those of you who broke up, got dumped, or simply grew apart, do you think getting back with your ex is a possibility? A healthy one? Could it even be healthy?

Discuss!

It depends on the people involved, but more often than not, it isn't a good idea. If the 2 people involved both felt that they couldn't invest their all into the relationship, and left amicably, there is a possibility. Otherwise, it's better to just move on and find someone else.

Personally speaking, My ex left me a month ago, giving me the usual lines. I haven't spoken to her since. At first, I wanted nothing more than to get her back, but she left, and there was nothing I could do about it. If we met up in some way, I wouldn't be angry or hurt (I've dealt with all of that too much already), just nice to her. Getting back with her isn't a possibility as she has just started dating again. Even if she wasn't, I wouldn't because I have to focus on myself and make me a better overall person, and not fall into the traps that led to the end of my last relationship.

In most cases, getting back with an ex will only cause both of you more grief and anguish. But there are a select few where it can work out.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

This doesn't have anything to do with me specifically, but with all these threads about ex's wanting you back, or you wanting your ex back, is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex?

I mean, people grow apart, people change their minds back and forth, and certain events in life may rekindle feelings for someone in the past. Perhaps even a chance meeting, leading to coffee or lunch, may start up something which both parties thought had been put to rest. The thing is, reunions/second rounds DO HAPPEN, but the question is, is it healthy?

It's portrayed in movies all the time, and though movies should no way be taken as a map for conducting one's actions in real life, it's interesting how getting the ex back/second chances are the "happy endings" in movies. Perhaps there is a hidden, subconcious truth to this portrayal?

So for those of you who broke up, got dumped, or simply grew apart, do you think getting back with your ex is a possibility? A healthy one? Could it even be healthy?

Discuss!

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I think that getting back with an ex is possible, in some cases depending on the circumstances surrrounding the breakup. You need to think about why it all ended in the first place... There is a reason why relationships end and before you can understand what caused the breakup, it would be unwise to even contemplate getting back with an ex because it may be something to do with the way you behaved.

For all the advice and support I have been given on here, I strongly object to thinking in this way, hoping and pondering on the possibilities of reconciliation. I spent the first 2 months doing this after my breakup and it did nothing to help me open my eyes to the reality of the situation.

She is gone, it is over!!

O.K. Yes, there is always a chance that it will happen but living with this hope, waiting, can only hurt you more. You should spend more of your time thinking about how you can improve yourself rather than dwelling on the past and holding on to hope.

Is it healthy to get back with an ex? Probably not unless you (both) have made reasonable improvements or changes to yourselves so that you can make a fresh start free of the mistakes or issues from the past.. If neither of you is any different in terms of development or emotional maturity, then the reconciliation will just end in another failure.

You should never live with the hope that someone will come back into your life, you should live for yourself and for the future that will be, even if that does not include your ex.

For me, I will personally find Christmas and the New Year difficult because I spent the last 3 with my ex and this year I won't be around her. There is a possibility that I will slip back slightly and may wish she was there with me but I know there are a few others on this forum who will be going through the same thing, and yourself too I would imagine?

The hardest thing is to let go of this hope that the ex will come back, but it is essential that we all do this so that we can begin the healing process.

Sorry about the long answer, I get carried away!!

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

Personally speaking, My ex left me a month ago, giving me the usual lines. I haven't spoken to her since. At first, I wanted nothing more than to get her back, but she left, and there was nothing I could do about it. If we met up in some way, I wouldn't be angry or hurt (I've dealt with all of that too much already), just nice to her. Getting back with her isn't a possibility as she has just started dating again. Even if she wasn't, I wouldn't because I have to focus on myself and make me a better overall person, and not fall into the traps that led to the end of my last relationship.

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Blaze,

I am impressed with how far you have come since a month ago. It really does sound like you are making progress and have followed the advice you have been given!

Keep it up!

Oh, and keep up the advice you are posting.. Not only is the advice good, but you are also expressing yourself and in doing so, you are actually helping yourself along too...

It's Great!

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Is it healthy to get back with an ex? Probably not unless you (both) have made reasonable improvements or changes to yourselves so that you can make a fresh start free of the mistakes or issues from the past.. If neither of you is any different in terms of development or emotional maturity, then the reconciliation will just end in another failure.

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The problem is it's all but impossible to "start over" with an ex. There's too much history there. You can pretend, but in the end all you're doing is hiding feelings, and that's never healthy.

I do think it's possible to get back together, but it has to be relatively soon after and the circumstances have to be just about perfect. Because every single day following the breakup you grow a little bit farther apart, and after a while, the gap becomes too great. It's impossible to stay in love with someone that you never see or talk to... eventually, all feelings dull and eventually fade away.

It's a great idea IF there wasn't any lying, cheating, abuse (verbal as well), drugs and alcohol abuse.

But you need to figure out what pushed her away. Genrally it's insecurities and smothering.

I think you can fall in love again - but both sides need to change and work at it.

No - it is healthy - people get back together every day.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

It's a great idea IF there wasn't any lying, cheating, abuse (verbal as well), drugs and alcohol abuse.

But you need to figure out what pushed her away. Genrally it's insecurities and smothering.

I think you can fall in love again - but both sides need to change and work at it.

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Good points raised here..

I wanted to add though that once you have actually worked ou what it is that pushed them away and focused on you, at some point you may get to a stage where you don't actually want the ex back.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Good points raised here..

I wanted to add though that once you haev actually worked ou what it is that pushed them awaya and focused on you, at soem point you may get to a stage where you don't actually want the ex back.

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Geoff,

Thanks for the encouragement. The advice here is excellent, and it's made me into a better person already. Life isn't so scary anymore.

Great point. If the problem lies with you (insecurities and smothering were my problems) and you make a concerted effort to change, you may find that your ex is not longer appealing to you. I feel that I'm reaching that place, I'll always love her, but it's better for me to move on and find someone who really will be in love with me.

If you get together ever again - you need to sit down and talk - for a long time. Set boundries. It can't back to what it was.

I don't think people should get back together. My experience, things ALWAYS go back to the way the were. People need to do some major changing for something to work again.

Personally-----I wouldn't go back, nor would I encourage anyone to do the same. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by BlazingCold

I feel that I'm reaching that place, I'll always love her, but it's better for me to move on and find someone who really will be in love with me.

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Yes, you will most likely always love her in a way. She was your first real love (I believe) and has a deep residency in your heart.

I don't believe in the idea of falling in love only once in life. I do believe in learning from love though and that is what you, me, Skell, wap and others are all doing or have done at some point in their lives.

You are coming along well Blaze, just like I was (am)... There will be ups and downs I don't doubt for both of us but like I have said before, I have great confidence in TIME!

It might just be semantics, but I think labelling someone as your "ex" means that there's no going back.

That person became an "ex" for a reason. There is always a negative connotation when talking about an "ex" because there was a problem that required the relationship to end.

So... getting back with an "ex" is almost always a bad idea...

I think anything is possible when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sometimes a break is good for the two to go in opposite directions, experience and learn things as individuals and I am sure there have been instances where the two roads once again joined as one. I think the important thing here is that when the two do break up, that each of them take time to heal and not look back or wait for the other to return thereby inhibiting their personal growth.

As the others have said, it depends on how the break-up was handled and on the two individuals.

Everyone has offered some great points here so I don't have much more to add.

I just hope Pat there isn't a hidden agenda behind this question.

And that being that you are pining away and hoping that your ex will come back to you? I'm not saying it is, but it forms part of my answer. Because doing that is a recipe for more hurt.

It isn't impossible but I agree that in most cases it is probably not a good idea.

In most cases the dumpee has to accept that it is over and move on before there is any chance that something may happen again..

Because once the dumpee has done so it means they have most likely evolved into a person that will be healthy and comfortable in a relationship again. Basically they have changed and grown. Which is the only way people will ever get back successfully, is when one or both parties has changed for the better.

But it is most likely that once that change has occurred that either one or both parties are at a point where they don't want the ex back, either because through healthy grieving and reflection they have acknowledged that it didn't work for a reason and there would be npo point trying again, or because they have found someone even better who makes them even happier.

This seems to be the general pattern that I see!

I got back with my boyfriend after a separation where he moved out, but we had not labeled each other as ex's yet. We were not defined as single again. And even with that, it was difficult since we had to slog our way through what separated us in the first place. Nothing else matters when we got back together except that. It was like a boulder in the path. I think some people want to get back together and have the little birdies sing and the sun break through the clouds and aaaaah, we've in love once again--- NOT!!

For anyone contemplating getting back together again, here are some things you'll need to be crystal clear on:
1. Do you know exactly what the problem was?
2. Would you both agree to that too?
3. What are your plans for addressing that problem?
4. Would you both agree to that too?
5. Do you know how to conduct yourself with each other in the meantime, while its being worked out?
6. Do you both agree to that too?

Starting to get the picture now? If not... I can add a few more to the list too.

Recovering from a serious problem in an intimate relationship is HARD work most people aren't prepared to do.

If its an "ex", you best be done-- otherwise I say you're playing head games or haven't learned how to talk sufficiently enough to be in any relationship! Grrrr. LOL

Had to spread it Val but spot on.

Kind of what I was trying to allude to in my post!

Nah, no hidden agendas or intentions here. Just wanted to start a discussion on this since I noticed a few threads about getting back with ex's and ex's wanting them back, etc.

But yeah, my 2 cents in this discussion is that getting back would require substantial change, and once those changes occur, you may not find yourself with the "same person" as before, and the dynamics and feel of the relationship would be different, possibly causing one to not want to have a second go at all.

I think the biggest problem most people have is trying to force something after the breakup. If you let the other person roam free to a certain extent and let them work out on their own then it becomes much better. There is always reasons not disclosed why a breakup happens and that other person is never the same from relationship to relationship.

Obviously people say out of sight out of mind. I say if you both work on yourselves independently and not completely disappear after a long absence and actually understand that this break is an opportunity to work on yourself then it is possible.

If the person doesn't come back after you worked long and hard on yourself then it wasn't meant to be. You can always walk back in their life and at least slowly creep back in but understand that there aren't many great men out there or great women that can be compatitible with one another. There are more than one but it takes a lot. And if you don't correct the problems in your previous relationship then not only will you not succeed with an ex but it may occur with future relationships as well.

The problem I see at least from my perspective is when an ex says she enjoys being single and having the freedom just like I do but also wants to be with me. It is confusing which is why I let her be because she can figure that out on her own. Although you are taking a huge risk by doing no contact it will truly give your ex the opportunity to figure what they want and if you don't do that you will never know.

I'm not sure it's at all healthy. In my own personal experience, I've never gotten back with an ex. I've always been a firm believer that, when it's over, it's over. Or, to quote Wildcat, it's broke for a reason. I do believe this to be true. I think that people who get back with an ex are just looking for some sort of crutch or security blanket. Now, I believe that it is possible that one of the twosome might be a manipulator and be fully aware that there's no real potential but drag the other along anyhow, just for "something to do when there's nothing better to do", if you get my drift. This raises an even bigger red flag on the idea of getting back with an ex, the idea that one may be just using the other for "benefits" without ever intending anything lasting to come of it. The problem is, the naïve partner gets hurt all the more in the end.

At first, I thought the no-contact thing was detrimental. My line of reasoning was that you had to fight to preserve what's left of the relationship, or fight, aka "force" a friendship. But the truth is that nothing can ever be forced, and definitely not forced by becoming a stalker, or one who simply cannot LET GO.

I had huge issues with my ex doing the no contact thing almost too perfectly with me, and sometimes it's still hard for me. It makes me think just how easily I can be forgotten, but I always remind myself that it's for the good, as these things must occur naturally.

Thus, my bottom line statement is that getting back with an ex can never be forced by either party, but rather it spawns from a self-realization that pushes the party that did the breaking-up to the party that got dumped, and then it is up to the person who got dumped to decide whether it is healthy or not.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

I'm not sure it's at all healthy. In my own personal experience, I've never gotten back with an ex. I've always been a firm believer that, when it's over, it's over. Or, to quote Wildcat, it's broke for a reason. I do believe this to be true. I think that people who get back with an ex are just looking for some sort of crutch or security blanket. Now, I believe that it is possible that one of the twosome might be a manipulator and be fully aware that there's no real potential but drag the other along anyhow, just for "something to do when there's nothing better to do", if you get my drift. This raises an even bigger red flag on the idea of getting back with an ex, the idea that one may be just using the other for "benefits" without ever intending anything lasting to come of it. The problem is, the naive partner gets hurt all the more in the end.

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On reflection, sometimes I think this is what happened to me... In a way..

I mean, she split up with me 3 times, but then she was young and needed to live her life single for a while.

But I still got hurt in the end. If I had just not taken her back the first two times, I would not feel like this.

Wildcat was right in what he said in one of his responses in my threads, I am way too forgiving. Perhaps this is part of my personal growth, to not be like this too much. Forgiving is a good thing but being a doormat is not.

Oh well, Live and learn eh... LIVE AND LEARN!

I've just realised I have come across a bit bitter in this post, that's not good is it. Like I say, all healers slip back sometimes.. It really is like two steps forward 1 step back or sometimes 2 steps forward 3 steps back..

From my experience, breakups blow away the soap bubble you two were floating in... getting back with an ex as mentionned by wild cat has nothing unhealthy.. it enables you to start again on more realistic grounds... and you feel more at ease to put forward what you expect from the relationship and you come along with less illusions that is if you manage to stick to the terms you fixed yourselves.
All this I believe is applicable obivously if there has always been mutual respect between two people...

I have to say this forum is just amazing and I've come across the best advices I could possibly have..

Actually this is quite a good thread...

I'm seeing in my life many examples of people who were good together , broke up for some reason , the dumpee moved on and the dumper regret.
Most of the girls I have know who dumped their guy regret it within 2 years, some of them lost out on the wild girl phase and thought they wanted a more exciting life, but by the time they had found that excitement the dumpee had moved on. Now the guy in my office who got dumped last year and moved on has his ex calling and getting jealous when he mentions his new girl.

Ive also seen many examples of people getting back together and having a realistic ,mature relationship the second time around.

Lets not forget that we change as we grow older and realise our needs and wants change also. I have never gone back to an ex, I think because the healing process has you seeing things in a realistic light and you just move on to bigger and better things. But the main point is you grow and become more mature, and handle people and situations better, with less drama. Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, or 40. People either grow together , or they grow apart for whatever reason. A lot of people who post here are young with very few life experiences and get devastated by the loss of that first great love. It takes so much time and work to get healthy again. Most young people don't take the time or know how to work on a relationship. Sadly its hard to be friends with an ex, just because of all the feelings that we must overcome, and may not be ready, or able to deal with those feelings for YEARS. I think its vastly more important to get over those feelings, and get back to being healthy, than worrying about getting back with some one who is moving on. Those past experiences teach us how to grow to be better with the next relationship.

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, I'm agreeing with you too much ;-)

I Totally agree... I don't know how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
But so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what I thought love was in 20s...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Lets not forget that we change as we grow older and realise our needs and wants change also. I have never gone back to an ex, i think because the healing process has you seeing things in a realistic light and you just move on to bigger and better things. But the main point is you grow and become more mature, and handle people and situations better, with less drama. Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, or 40. People either grow together , or they grow apart for whatever reason. A lot of people who post here are young with very few life experiences and get devastated by the loss of that first great love. It takes so much time and work to get healthy again. Most young people don't take the time or know how to work on a relationship. Sadly its hard to be friends with an ex, just because of all the feelings that we must overcome, and may not be ready, or able to deal with those feelings for YEARS. I think its vastly more important to get over those feelings, and get back to being healthy, than worrying about getting back with some one who is moving on. Those past experiences teach us how to grow to be better with the next relationship.

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I like all of this tal.. You are really inspiring in the way that you express your thoughts on these things.

When I reflect and look back on my break-up, I believe that my ex dragged me along on her rollercoaster of learning. I was in a way the hand luggage she was holding onto until she needed to leave me to understand who she really was. For me, it was different and the confusion is more intense because I had different expectations of what the future would hold. I think that she has helped me gain back a huge part of myself that I feel was lost while I was supporting her, in a way carrying her through her voyage of self discovery..

That is why I can hold this love inside and smile. I can accept that she is gone and move on knowing that I will always be who I am and through life become stronger and more resilient to the violent waves that sometimes catch us all off guard.

<<That is why I can hold this love inside and smile yet accept that she is gone and move on knowing that I will always be who I am yet through life, become stronger and more resilient to the violent waves that sometimes catch us off guard.>>

Can't spread rep again either!!
Very true... keep going the way you are Geoff. You are doing great and giving great advice.

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Originally Posted by rol

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, im agreeing with u too much ;-)

I Totally agree...i dunno how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
but so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what i thought love was in 20s....

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Yes, agree also.

I think this also points back to what Wildcat often says about Marriage being off the cards until age 25 for women at least and 30 for men.

I know you should not really place strict age requirements for marriage into the equation as every person and relationship is different.

I can however see the logic of what Wildcat says, you need to experience life and find yourself before you can understand what Love is and what it means to enter a commitment such as marriage.

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Originally Posted by rol

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, im agreeing with u too much ;-)

I Totally agree...i dunno how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
but so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what i thought love was in 20s....

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Sorry Rol, I realised I just said I agreed with my own advice in my rating to you which was meant for this response. I guess it would be a bit of a contradiction if I disagreed with my own advice anyway?:confused:

<<I think this also points back to what Wildcat often says about Marriage being off the cards until age 25 for women at least and 30 for men.>>

Yeah exactly... I could have married my first boyfriend at the age of 21... but imagine if I had... my goodness I would have missed out on the life I had... which I must say is a great life, since that happened I moved to a new country , learned new languages, got great job, met great people, etc etc.. In fact I would rather remain single than have missed out on all that. So I totally agree nowadays below 30 I think is way too young to settle especially if you really want to have a life. In fact I didn't even know what love really was until I got to 30... It is just now I am learning what it really is...

You will see Geoff, you are still so young at 26!! Life has a lot in store for you yet!! The type of girl you like now is going to completely change by the time you are 30.

Thanks rol..

Those words mean a lot, especially from someone who has been through these chapters and learned from them.

Tell you what, I get more sensible and useful advice one here than anywhere in my circle of friends and connections.

I guess that is because I am talking to people who really have a good understanding.

I am looking forward to the next 26 years! The good and the bad!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Most young people don't take the time or know how to work on a relationship.

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I think it's that but deeper too, Tal.

When its completely superficial to begin with, then everything else that follows is too. Which is why some young people think that breaking up is just a way (albeit a dramatic way) of saying Look, I don't like what you are doing and so you better shape up because you owe me love since I bothered to pick you off the shelf and claim you as my one true love last month!! And if you're not really careful, I'll just dump you and go pick another one, just you watch!

LOL I am like sheesh... that wouldn't even work in the movies, or the soap operas. Come on!

Its immaturity run rampant in the love department, causing havoc wherever it goes.

<<I am looking forward to the next 26 years! The good and the bad!>>

Yeahhh keep looking forward , not back :)

Yes this place is great, I don't even know how I happened to arrive here to this site, it just arrived on my internet browser one day and I'm so happy it did!!
Actually its nice as we have such a varying ages group here..

Its really such a great support place. Thank you all at amhd for creating this place, we would be lost without you!:))

By OG

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The late twenties/early thirties is a period of major reassessment and adjustment for nearly everybody. It's the transition from youth to mature adulthood, and it's hardly ever a perfectly smooth transition. I know, the societal fiction is that you become an adult at 21, but ask anybody who's 35 or older, and ten to one they'll tell you they weren't fully mature until after 30 (sometimes well after)

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I had to repeat this gem!

Yes I 200 Percent Agree With That Tal(again! ):)!

People change, people fall in and out of love. She's not the same person you met and neither are you. If you're the one that's been dumped then it's normal to miss your ex as the person she was. The truth is that she is no longer the same person you fell in love with. I guess the only way to realize this is to get back together and experience this, unfortunately.

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Originally Posted by JDOP

People change, people fall in and out of love. She's not the same person you met and neither are you. If you're the one that's been dumped then it's normal to miss your ex as the person she was. The truth is that she is no longer the same person you fell in love with. I guess the only way to realize this is to get back together and experience this, unfortunately.

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Hey JDOP,

Nice to hear from you again.

How are you coming along?.

Quite well by the sounds of this response, this is definitely a good step into the right direction of thought.

Would not recommend going back with the ex to work this out though.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, im agreeing with u too much ;-)

I Totally agree...i dunno how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
but so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what i thought love was in 20s....

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What is different about it? Can you give me a heads up?

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

What is different about it? Can you give me a heads up?

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You'll probably have to learn that for yourself Pat. Like we all will!

It should be fun though!

Great thread everyone. I just wish I wasn't on the other side of the world in a different time zone so I could contribute as it is happening.