Ask Me Help Desk - Alcohol & Cheating.Confused

Alcohol & Cheating.Confused

Hello Everyone,

I am quite new to this site, and had some questions for you if you don't mind answering... My girlfriend typically has a black out when she drinks. She mainly drinks on the weekend. We have been together for 6.5 years.

A few months ago during one of her drinking episodes, I had gone to bed. I woke up around 2am and found her nude touching herself holding her cell phone talking to someone. When I saw this, I yelled "what r u doing"?? She had no clue what was going on. I grabbed the phone and found that she had been talking to this person for 30 minutes. She stated the next morning she didn't know she did that, and must've called the dating hot-line from a commercial she saw on TV, in which they do show those a lot in my area. I forgave this incident because she had been drinking heavily that night.

This past Saturday night, the same thing happened. Only this time, she wasn't talking to anyone. She had passed out from drinking. I had been woken up out of my sleep by my cousin who is a girl, stating that my girlfriend just stripped down in front of her kissing on her and what not. I took my girlfriend in the bedroom and made her go to sleep. During this time, I was awaken to text messages going off all night. She had been texting someone throughout the entire time she had been drinking that night. I checked her phone and a text stated "I want to be inside of you". This person's name she had saved in her phone. Apparently they had been texting back and forth all night when she was drinking.

The next morning, my cousin told my girlfriend the things she did the night before and my girlfriend could not remember it. My cousin then told her, "if that's the case, then STOP the excessive drinking to the point where you are that drunk"..

My girlfriend wanted to know why her phone was off. I told her it was because her alarm kept going off waking me up. She then went through her phone and asked if I had been looking through her phone the previous night. I said no, because I didn't know how to bring up this incident or what to say.. I am the type that does not like Conflict, and also I do not want to lose her if she becomes defensive and crazy if I ask her about those text messages. The person she texted does not live in our state, and it was someone I asked her about in 2007 that she got defensive about and got her own cell phone, as the other cell phone was in my name. More than likely she will say she doesn't remember this drinking episode either. She does not feel that she has a drinking problem

My questions to you is

a). How should I go about this situation?

b). What does it mean to lose your identity in a relationship? I've searched this online, and am unable to find it. I am the type that if I lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.

Any help would be greatly appreciated

First of all,address your problem with alcohol-your own,as only your GF can do anything about hers , and it seems she has a serious problem and is,in my opinion,in denial.

Check out your local AA and local support groups.

As for your relationship,it sounds as if there's no real communication,do you ever have proper talks,as in mature,adult coversations about your issues?

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

First of all,address your problem with alcohol-your own,as only your GF can do anything about hers , and it seems she has a serious problem and is,in my opinion,in denial.

Check out your local AA and local support groups.

As for your relationship,it sounds as if there's no real communication,do you ever have proper talks,as in mature,adult coversations about your issues?

I rarely drink alcohol. I don't have an alcohol problem. I never said I did in the post.

I also don't understand what the communication has to do with those 2 incidents I mentioned

a)If it's normal to you that your girl has sex through the phone
Fine! She's doing this next to you when you sleep . Fine!
Then everything is cool! You have a healthy relationship(ha ha ha)
b)This is what I call losing yourself: just what you're doing!
This girl does this all the time and you accept this because you don't want to lose her so you lose yourself.
Alcohol doesn't justify this! Never!
I drink a lot sometimes and when I was with my ex I never did this when I came back home I just went to sleep and was happy to be with my man never call others(no energie left to do this!)
This girl is obviously playing you!
Leave her!

She does not feel that she has a drinking problem
She does have a drinking problem, so do you, and its only a symptom of a greater problem you both face.
My questions to you is

a). how should I go about this situation?
Get Help through Alcoholics Anonymous,and Alanon, and maybe a qualified counselor to get to the root cause of your real problem. But first you both have to want to have help, as if your unwilling to get what you need, you won't do anything about it.
b). what does it mean to lose your identity in a relationship? I've searched this online, and am unable to find it. I am the type that if i lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.
While this may be very true, your real problem is you have lost perspective, and are making some unhealthy choices that make your problems bigger, not smaller.

Fear of losing your partner is at the roots of your inability to do the right things that help you both. Your lack of wanting to deal with conflict also plays a big part in you taking a stand, not just for yourself, but the ones you love, and others around you.

Look at it this way, its not about losing your identity, its about you being afraid to act. Deal with the fear by acknowledging there is a problem, make a plan to deal with it, and be ready, and willing to act

In this way maybe you can find your courage, and get out of your comfort zone, and do what it takes to solve this issue, as the consequences of inaction is, you and your woman, will lose in the end anyway.

You should be more afraid of where inactions lead you, than being afraid to take action.

If she won't go for help, or is unwilling to admit her problem, forget her, you go get help for yourself. You can hardly be of help to her without getting the help and SUPPORT you need to be healthy.

Thank you mistyjane and talaniman for your input. I really appreciate it and it made me think logically. I am going to ask her tonight about those text messages, because she was talking on the phone last night when I came home to this same person, and this time she wasn't drunk. But I think that same person had lost someone in death yesterday

Quote:

I rarely drink alcohol. I don't have an alcohol problem. I never said I did in the post.

Beg to differ,

Quote:

I am the type that if I lose someone I start panicking and drinking excessively, and I figured that this is because I've made this person my identity.

Its not how much you drink, it never is, it's the why that makes you different from others, and when it's a problem ( excessively ) in your life. I would say using alcohol to numb your panic, or avoid your issues qualifies as a problem.

Quote:

I also don't understand what the communication has to do with those 2 incidents I mentioned

If you had honestly communicated that you don't like what she is doing, and would NOT allow it, she would either have to change or leave.

That you have not communicated your honest feelings, you clearly are condoning her actions. How old are you both any way?

I am 30, she is 28. It is too late to confront her about this incident, because I should've been honest and stated that I did look through her phone, because it was late in the AM in those texts would not stop coming in when she was passed out. That's how I saw it

You are totally wrong about it being to late to put ALL the cards on the table, and get answers. One way, or the other. That's the only way you get to the root of your problem, you have to do some honest digging based on the facts.

If it happened, it's a fact.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You are totally wrong about it being to late to put ALL the cards on the table, and get answers. One way, or the other. Thats the only way you get to the root of your problem, you have to do some honest digging based on the facts.

If it happened, its a fact.

Thank you Talaniman I will do that tonight. She's been having an attitude all day for no reason, and this started last night. I think it may have something to do with this person, because he is coming to town this week. She thinks that I will argue or get an attitude back with her to give her a reason to "walk out" temporarily, but I'm not going to stoop to that. She will not get an attitude out of me.

If I woke up and my girlfriend was tiddling herself while on the phone with another man, she would be finish tiddling herself outside of the house. SEE you later.
She walks all over you and you sit there and take it. When you guy have sex, I bet she wears a strap on

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynocompe

if I woke up and my gf was tiddling herself while on the phone with another man, she would be finish tiddling herself outside of the house. SEE ya later.
She walks all over you and you sit there and take it. When you guy have sex, i bet she wears a strap on

I'm starting to get the picture. It sounds very true what u stated. The only reason I forgave her for that episode was because alcohol was involved and she didn't remember it, but I do see your point...

Thank you to all that responded, I just ended the relationship. She just sent me a text stating she wanted to be alone tonight, I know they guy is coming into town tonight, and I ended it.

She never brought up the text messages, so I did, and it ended in arguing and name-calling. Its over... thanks guys for your input

Good job, you don't need her. Do you guys live together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynocompe

good job, you dont need her. Do you guys live together?

No, but I usually spend the night every night

Well that's good though, make things easier! Just remember how she treated you, and what kind of woman she is like, and she will be easy to get over. You will be so much better off without her and moving on, you have noooo idea

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynocompe

well thats good though, make things easier! Just remember how she treated you, and what kind of woman she is like, and she will be easy to get over. You will be so much better off without her and moving on, you have noooo idea

I was thinking the same thing. Thanks Dynocompe!

Is hard not wondering what she is doing especially when you know what's going on, but I'm hangin in there FULL FORCE

Yeah after 6.5 years, doesn't seems like this is the first incident you enabled.

"One of her drinking episodes" Blackouts. That means excess.

I was with a woman like this before. Nows the time for some ultimatums.

Either she (and you both) get help. Or you are gone. Period.

Sometimes things can't be fixed,and if you feel you made the right choice,I suggest you start moving on by going no contact.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the relationship page with lots of advice on how to handle a breakup?

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Sometimes things can't be fixed,and if you feel you made the right choice,I suggest you start moving on by going no contact.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the relationship page with lots of advice on how to handle a breakup?

Good luck and take care of yourself.

I know I have made the right choice... when I asked her about it, she got defensive and lied about the texts... I saw them with my own eyes... she won't admit responsibility... I don't trust her, she doesn't trust me... its over... trust is the building block of any relationship...

Yes I've read the stickies

Good one. Yes.

She's got major problems. You must be exhausted by now.

Cut her out of your life. Save yourself.

Its going to be a road, but go total NC. No question. She will plead to you later for sure. Just ignore it.

But the reality is that she doesn't give a rats a$$ about you. Only what gets her off.

She's bad news.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynocompe

if I woke up and my gf was tiddling herself while on the phone with another man, she would be finish tiddling herself outside of the house. SEE ya later.
She walks all over you and you sit there and take it. When you guy have sex, i bet she wears a strap on

Ye, I agree. How would SHE feel if you did this TO HER? No way would she allow it! (I'm guessing). She needs help with her alcohol problem (not from you though!. Professionally! You can't change her!)

You really need to get help with your abandonment issues too, I do know how you feel. It is awful to feel this way! But by not taking control of your own issues, you are setting yourself up for being used and abused by other people. And allowing it. You are not being helpful to yourself by being a doormat because you are scared of being alone. I know this from experience and am still struggling with it! I know its so much easier said than done!

Also, the longer you leave it the harder it gets! You start thinking 'OMG, I am now XX years old! How can I be alone NOW! I will never meet anyone NOW!' Quit while you're only 30. Work on your issues and you will find someone much more worthy of you! Also, get help with the drinking side of things when you are alone... it will only make things worse and in my experience made me act regretably (sp?) and make things even worse.

Yeah no more tiddling.

Run.

And yes, understand what YOUR deal is. Start looking inside. Mistakes & why. Who are you?

If you don't like conflict... you are with the wrong girl.

[QUOTE=.. I am the type that does not like Conflict

IIf you don't like conflict you are with the wrong girl.

Thank you all... I use to go by astrology saying I'm a Libra, she's an Aquarius... and we would be compatible... yeah that was 6.5 years ago I thought this... you all just dot know how much I appreciated ALL your input... it helps tremendously

Glad to hear.

Now focus on reality. Get happy.

She has not contacted me tonight, yet I figure its because she's with this person... I have no doubt in my mind she will try to contact me tomorrow or maybe much later and realize she can't get through... thanks to my cell phone carrier, I have set it up through phone settings, where any number that is not in your contact list will not be able to get through to you. They will Directly to voicemail... also text messages not from your contact list are blocked... yayyyyyyy

You're doing the right thing. Congrats

Any contact with her from now on is unproductive for you.

Stay on it. Be strong & post here whenever.

We all want you you to move away from this & get better.

Well done! That is a great step! You should be proud of yourself! REALLY proud that you had the strength to pull yourself out of that situation. So what id she is with that person! POOR THEM! Ha ha! I used to do the same thing as you and worry about it... just realise they are not changing their ways and therefore will be in the same position as some other poor willing soul

Don't get pulled back into that mess.
If you do she'll drag you right into the gutter where she will be soon. That might be a harsh statement but it's true.

You cannot "fix her". She'll have to do that herself. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Youre doing the right thing. Congrats

Any contact with her from now on is unproductive for you.

Stay on it. Be strong & post here whenever.

We all want you you to move away from this & get better.

Thank you Vanheart and Kitkat22, I will keep you posted. I will keep ALL of you posted that have taken the TIME to not only read my post, but also REply... thank you all, and I will keep you informed!

Goood to hear that she can't even get ahold of u! As soon as this guy leaves town she is going to try and contact you! This is so great! Don't even think about her, this girl puts the L is lame-O and Loser!

Good move re your cell!
Stay strong and keep busy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused580

Thank you Vanheart and Kitkat22, I will keep you posted. I will keep ALL of you posted that have taken the TIME to not only read my post, but also REply....thank you all, and I will keep you informed!

Be Strong! Blessings

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

Good move re your cell!
Stay strong and keep busy.

Keeping busy does not always work, but it does for a while. I have a daily regimen to keep busy though

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Be Strong! Blessings

Thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused580

thank you

Each day you will find it gets better. One day you'll wake up and the pain will be gone and there will be someone wonderful in your life and that is worth waiting for!

U should get started with another girl. If you don't your mind will keep wandering about your old past. Like people say, if the new don't come how can the old goes away. Get a new girl, bad or good, just get one to forget the past one.