Entire story merged

Hello everyone,

I have been in the same relationship with the same girl for almost 2 years now.

And lately, I feel like she has fallen out of love with me.

Everything was fantastic before it's just the past few weeks. I try to hug her but she squirms away, Pretty much anything involving me giving her affection she avoids, She yells at me all the time, she gets mad about stupid things, we have been fighting more than usual, and she has been talking to a lot of other guys. I've tried everything to try and make her love me again, but the problem is I don't know what I did wrong to make her hate me in the first place. I do everything I can to make her happy but it never seems to be enough. She says she is stressed about college starting, But I have been helping her in every way that I can from helping with homework to getting her mind off it, and she still won't even let me near her.

What can I do? :(

Back off, and give her plenty of space, until she is ready to talk. Sometimes your best is never enough, and she has tell-tale signs of stress. Don't take it personally, but having something else to do helps. She doesn't want to communicate, and you can't make her.

Sounds like she lost interest in you and started looking for a new guy =/

The reason you date is to find out if the love feelings you started with will turn to something permanent. It has to turn permanent on both sides. If not, then you know.

There's nothing "wrong" with not loving someone "til the end of time", you know? That doesn't make anything you've had up until now false. It was real. I'm sure you both enjoyed most of the ride.

Now, it appears the ride is coming to an end. It is a sign of wisdom and maturity and grace to be able to end this ride without you two hating each other. It's not necessary. You can just acknowledge what is happening, it is real, the feelings (on her end) are unsustainable, wish each other well and mean it, then say "goodbye".

As soon as that scene is over, you can start the healing, repairing, and get back out there. Your "forever" girl really is out there, and you need to get back to testing the applicants again.

I know the posts to you sound pessimistic, but the truth is that if she wants to go, you can't keep her there.

However, all relationships go through ups & downs so it could be that is the case. But the fact she is pushing you away while talking to other guys isn't a good sign.

You may not have done anything "wrong", she's either really stressed or just watering greener grass it sounds like & that is making her want to push you away.The other guys she's talking to might be making her feel she's missing out on fun she wants to have & is acting resentfully towards you because of that. Until & unless you can get her to talk out why she's acting that way & want to work on the relationship with you, the odds are good you two will break up or be miserable together.

It also sounds like you have been letting her treat you pretty shabbily or are tempted to do that which would not be good either. Being a pushover isn't going to make her love you either. If she is not treating you respectfully, you need to stand up for yourself & get some good boundaries in place. You can't control her behavior but you can decide what is & isn't acceptable for you to live with.

She may indeed be feeling too much stress to be a good girlfriend right now & that could pass after that period is over. The real issue is that life is full of stresses & this isn't a good way to deal with them. Stress isn't a valid reason to treat someone badly though some people use that as an excuse.

Have there been times like this before with her or is this new behavior for her?

I think what she needs right now is some space. Has there been another time during the 2 years you have been together that she has been under such a stress? Is this the first time this is going on? Maybe she is feeling suffocated. Try backing off for a bit and see how she functions in your absence. Let her miss you and wait for her to come to you. Of course the part about talking to other guys is not a good sign but some people need a reminder of what they have already in order to figure out the grass is not greener on the other side. I am not justifying her behaviour but different people react differently to stress. I know because in my case I was the one under stress and started acting as if I didn't love her. I was distant and felt suffocated, I just needed some space to vent alone. She thought I didtn love her anymore but instead of talking it with me she decided it was best to cheat on me and then run off with some other guy. So I'm telling you its best if you try all possible things before you give up. And if you still feel she doesn't love you then its probably best to end this in a respectful way after having clearly communicated it with her so that there are no hard feelings afterwards.

Update:

I tried what everyone seems to be saying: Give her some space

It has been working very well. We rarely fight when we are together just because we appreciate the time we have more. Instead of seeing each other every day, we cooled down to every week. We go out and laugh just like we used to and I feel all my feelings returning for her. We haven't seen each other since I posted this and I know she misses me because she keeps trying to call even though she knows I'm at work. When I call her back she said she just wanted to hear my voice. My life has gotten so much better now this is resolved. Thank you everyone for the awesome advice!

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Originally Posted by Wolfrey

Update:

I tried what everyone seems to be saying: Give her some space

It has been working very well. We rarely fight when we are together just because we appreciate the time we have more. Instead of seeing each other every day, we cooled down to every week. We go out and laugh just like we used to and i feel all my feelings returning for her. We haven't seen each other since I posted this and i know she misses me because she keeps trying to call even though she knows I'm at work. When I call her back she said she just wanted to hear my voice. My life has gotten so much better now this is resolved. Thank you everyone for the awesome advice!

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Good to hear that =]

Sometimes, girls need their alone time too!

I wish somebody would have given me this advice when I was in your situation... :p

I'm glad things are going better for you!!

I got feedback from my ex when she was breaking up with me that she needed space, and I'm glad you realized this early and made the necessary adjustments to fix the problem, instead of trying to push it off onto her and her anxieties.

It's awesome to see your story on here, because it is a great learning tool for others! Congratulations!

Yeah, I was actually in a similar situation recently. My girlfriend broke up to me and said the same thing after a little over 2 years. Even though I still loved her and didn't agree, I gave her space and let her do what she wanted. A little under a month later she came back to me and we've been fine since.

When she is distant double your distance. If she really loves you, she will come running back. Also don't be so quick to take her back, take things slowly -- don't talk to her on the phone all the time, don't see her all the time. Please give a chance to miss you. If this does not work then I am afraid she my have lost interest in you. You just have to move on.

You should go in the military.

It takes your mind off A LOT of problems.

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Originally Posted by hjpan

You should go in the military.

It takes your mind off A LOT of problems.

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Uhh... that's a decision that takes a bit more consideration than just "taking your mind off of problems."

In y0ur case, weL I can reLate.. juSt a weeks Later me and my x-b0yfriend br0ke up.. Its beCause I d0nt L0ve him anym0re.. I reaLize that hEs n0t even my type.. we aLs0 had 2yrs reLati0n.. buT 0ur situati0n iS s0 c0mplicated.. I think y0ur girlfriend Likes 0ther guy 0r maybe she just d0nt l0ve y0u anym0re.. D0nt L0se h0pe, try t0 talk with her and find 0ut what's wr0ng..

I am 19 years old, as is my girlfriend. We have been together foe 3 years, lived together for 2. I proposed after we had been together for 2 years, and we agreed to have a long engagement (april 21st 2010 was the date). Then, two weeks ago, she cheated on me. The cheating entailed Making out for around 20 minutes, and she lightly grazed him. She also said that she stopped him from feeling her up after a few seconds, twice, and she also turned away from him a bit into it. She came to me the next day and told me what happened, said she was sorry and swears it will never happen again. Everything else in our relationship has been great besides minor speed bumps, she has never cheated before, and we are very deeply in love. I know I can forgive her for doing this, with time, but I am just worried it will happen again and I'll have to go through this pain again. Another thing is, for about 3 months prior to her cheating I was a less-than perfect fiancé, as I got addicted to World of Warcraft. I did not pay attention to her when she was over, and ignored her most of the time, blew off our dates, and used any excuse to stay home and raid.

Comments?

Solution in my eyes is easier said than done. However, I think given the young age that you two became exclusive to one another has created a sense of curiosity in her. It may not be a bad idea to allow a little space. Take a bit of a break and see what else is out there or how life would be on your own or with out each other. Give her a little space to make the decision that you are the one for her and the one she would like to spend her life with. I think it is safe to say that neither one of you have had mature relationships outside of each other. Taking time now could save heartache later. Best of luck.

You said you can forgive then do so, forgetting is harder, as after you forgive, you don't throw it back at her in the heat of one of those speed bumps.

Having said that, you both have a lot of talking to do about boundaries, and the consequences of bad behavior. Don't for a minute think that what she has done is worse than what you have done, and it excuses neither of you.

Start fresh, and do better, both of you. You are engaged after all, so act like it!

talaniman is right, if you forgive her you can't throw it back in her face...
If you have indulged yourself in a game for that long and ignored her that's not right on your part (im not saying it gives her permission to cheat but that's not a good thing for you to have done) she came to you and told you so that was good at least you didn't have to find out for yourself some other way right?? If you really love her you can do it you two can be good but just let her know that for a while your going to be on her back pretty much until you can bring yourself to trust again.

I know what I did is not right, and I know that I took her for granted. My biggest problem right now is the trust. How do I know she won't pull something like this again? I want to be with her, I know that, but I couldn't handle it if something like this happened again. We agreed that we would date around and not burn any bridges for a while, but I know that I will go back to her, and when I do, I just want to be secure.

Well I can tell you that your "dating around" could really hurt you guys... when you guys get back together all your going to be thinking about is who was she with and what did she do and if your not already thinking that then sorry to put it in your mind but it WILL end up there sooner or later... you need to make sure she knows your not going to be able to trust her for a while and that she can't get mad if you're a little more on top of things in the relationship... you will just need to get through it there's not going to be any way to just all of a sudden trust her again but it will come over time. And also make sure she knows that IF it does happen again you Won't take her back...

You are going to have to deal with your insecurity or break it off completely.

She made a mistake, but at least she didn't sleep with him and she fessed up to you on what happened almost immediately.

Date around and make sure that you really want to get married, but if you do decide to marry her, don't bring up the kissing/cuddling again or your marriage will be doomed.

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One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life. - E. M. Forster

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. - Frank Crane

I also think dating, around is a lousy idea, for exactly the same reasons Lovebird has said. That's no way to build trust, or resolve your insecurity issues. I think it makes it worse, nor better.

Not only is trust a thing to be worked on over time, so are your own personal issues.

Further I don't think because she broke that trust, you get a free pass to question, or act impulsively whenever you feel like it, because she was straight up honest, and apologized, and you keeping this as a wedge between you, will only push her away.

I can see you now wondering what she is doing, and with whom, and being miserable. That will take even longer to get over.

Either work together, or stay apart, and stay out of each others business. I go for the work together to get beyond this, as there is never any guarantees in life, and love. You take the same risks as the rest of us, so make your decision, and live with it.

You are right about the dating around thingie. I am perfectly willing to take her back and forgive/forget everything that happened because she was honest with me and she did stop him after she realized what a huge mistake she was making. I know that she would tell me if something happened again, but I don't think I could ever forgive her for this again. Plus, 3 years is a lot of loyalty, and I truly do believe this could be a 1 time thing.

Threads merged and edited

At first I broke it off and I never wanted to see her again, but eventually I chose to forgive her. She has always been very honest and I find it to be one of her best qualities. My problem is I don't trust her. I know I should, but I just don't. I have no idea why. I know if she ever did anything she would tell me straight off and I really shouldn't worry, But I do every day, whenever she even talks to a guy on Facebook or in e-mail I have to know everything, what they are talking about, etc. It has been this way even before she cheated. I know it is a problem with me and I know I need to work on it, but I was just hoping to find someone with a similar experience who overcame it with any advice as to how. I have tried just keeping my mind off it, but my curiosity always gets the best of me. Any help/advice would be appreciated.

On a practical note-if you know you have issues you need to work on,how are you going to go about that?

Its one thing knowing you have these issues-time to do something about them now.

Maybe you could consider therapy?

Its more than just curiosity that drives you to question her actions. Its fear that is making you insecure, and you have not coped with her past actions very well.

Its one thing to have the thoughts, but quite another to act on them. Its important to not let those feelings come out as impulsive actions by learning to think before you speak, and act.

It seems you have taken this girl back, so changing your behavior is a must since, you have chosen to forgive her for her past action.