Entire Story merged

I'm currently living with my boyfriend of 14 months and everything has been going well, but lately I feel like he owns everything and that if we were to break up I would have nothing. The lease of our apartment is in his name and all the furniture and equipment is his. I came into this living situation not having anything, but I feel that I should at least be able to be apart of the lease. I don't know if I'm thinking too much about this, or if I feel that I don't have any say over anything in the house or because I came into the relationship with nothing then I don't get a say about it. Should I move out and get my own place or just suck it up and get over it?? Please help.

Obviously you are concerned that he has this kind of control over you. Maybe it's a passive one, and maybe he doesn't abuse it, but it's still control. It's good that you recognize this, but you need to ask yourself if you really want to be independent, or if part of your motivation to stay in this relationship is because you are so well taken care of.

Your best bet is to sit down and talk to him now, before any kind of negative emotions build up. Let him know that you feel like you have no control over your life. If you're living there, and it's your only place to stay, then your name should be on the lease. No excuses there. If you already help with bills and other expenses, then there's all the more reason to be on it.

Generally speaking, if you can't be secure with your own life, then you shouldn't be trying to share it with someone else.

~ Tee

I think you have a natural concern, but you should be talking to him about this. Let him know that you want a bigger role in contributing financially. I'm sure the two of you can work something out. You just need to talk to him.

Communication is key!

Im quite interested in that fact that you are thinking about "If we were to break up" already... is there any reason for you to think like that? Are you planning to? Has he made any indication he wants to? If not, try not to have such thoughts in your mind, as that could be where your insecurities about possessions comes from.

Maybe you could get some small stuff to put in the house to make it feel more like yours. They don't have to be huge things, but like maybe a lamp here or a chair or vase there. Something to show that you have a part in the place and have made your mark here and its not just all his stuff...

You love them and if they love you there is no issue. If you moved in having nothing, so when you move out you are no further behind, Are you saving money from your job? Do you have a job.

And on the lease ? Then you have to pay, even if you move out if he does not.

I'm not sure what being on the lease would get you except for the responsibility for the rent if you split up. If you split up one of you has to leave and at this point it would probably be you. Going on the lease really isn't going to be a positive for you, really.

If you're not concerned about breaking up but just looking for some security, maybe you could put money away so that you know that you will be okay no matter what. That might make you feel good and you won't have to worry about what ifs.

If you're unsure about the security of your relationship, maybe you need to have a talk with your boyfriend.

Thank you to everyone for replying.

I have had a think about things and I think that these feelings are definitely coming from feeling insecure. I have a full time job, and he is currently studying so basically I pay all the bills. I haven't ever thought that paying the bills was unfair, because I know that he has no money, but he also has a $10,500 debt.. which he had before I came into the relationship and so I am helping to pay that off by putting regular payments on it each week. I think maybe I feel like I am footing the bills for everything, but don't feel like I am getting any reward for it... if that makes sense? If I'm paying for everything, then surely I should have the right to have my own things in the house and have my name on the lease?

I don't have money to save for myself as security if anything was to ever happen, and when I have talked to him about this he just says that he would never just kick me out, that he would leave until I found somewhere else to stay... but when it comes down to the crunch.. and if something bad were to really happen then I don't know how much of his word I could trust...

Thoughts??

Now that we have heard the whole thing, you have a logical claim about the lease if you are paying for it. Talk with him about getting your name on the lease, nothing will get solved by not communicating.

Second, why doesn't he have a job?

Ink and paper are the only thing that counts. He can tell you anything he wants, but if it's only his name on the lease, he can legally tell you to leave. Are you at least keeping track of what you're spending via checks or receipts? It will help if things go bad to have official documentation of what you're spending, but honestly without your name on that lease it's just going to cause more frustration.

He's taking advantage of your generosity, plain and simple. It's not as much of a problem as long as you are on the same page emotionally and can stay committed to making your relationship work; however, he has to be willing make sacrifices. Why doesn't he have an income? If he does, then why are you paying for so much of his debt?

It's OK to help someone out, but remember that they don't owe you anything. If you think that this is somehow keeping your relationship together, you are sadly mistaken. What happens when you can't pay anymore? Is he going to leave you to find someone else who will pay for all his crap?

Talk to him about this, set goals and split the costs down the middle if you must. You're living together, so you should both be putting an equal amount in to the bills, as well as the rest of your relationship ;)

~ Tee

Stop paying his debts.

Okay now this makes sense. Yes, if you are paying all the bills and have no money left over for you, you're feeling insecure for a reason.

I agree you need to talk to him. I also think he needs to kick in some money. No such thing as a free ride. I went to school full time while working full time while I had 3 kids as a single parent, so I would definitely get him to kick in some money.

If your smart, stay off the lease, and share the finances, where you can have control over your own cash. He gets the benefit of you working, but can he stay where he is, without you working?

You have more leverage than you think, and should use it wisely in your own behalf. Paying all the bills, makes no sense to me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

If your smart, stay off the lease, and share the finances, where you can have control over your own cash. He gets the benefit of you working, but can he stay where he is, without you working?

You have more leverage than you think, and should use it wisely in your own behalf. Paying all the bills, makes no sense to me.

---

Yes, there are two ways at looking at this.

1) If you don't put your name on the lease, you're not financially liable. So if rent isn't being paid, the landlord can only sue your boyfriend. But your boyfriend can kick you out anytime and you won't have any say.

2) If your name is on the lease, then you have a right to live at your place, but you can be sued for the entire amount of the leave, even when your boyfriend doesn't pay his share.

Paying all the bills definitely doesn't make any sense, but if he has such a big debt, you don't really have a choice. I hope that he's planning on paying you back? What happens if you break up? How is going to pay his share?

I have concerns about your paying his debt. Even is he's studying, he can get a part time job and whittle away at his student loans, or whatever it is you're paying for. If you can afford the apartment if things head south between the two of you, then I'd push to get on the lease. If not, it might be safer to leave things in his name.

Yes, he isn't in school all day.

However, he loves the set up he got going on. You pay all the bills and his debts and I bet the two of you are having sex. To be honest I wouldn't love this deal too but being the person that I am, I wouldn't let my partner do this.

Even if he gets a job at a fast food place it would help. A real man wouldn't put this heavy burden on you.

Also, I hope you made him sign a note acknowledging the payments your making towards his debts isn't a loan. I hate to see him making away debt free if things doesn't work out. You might not own nothing but your paying for everything.

Just my two cents.

It does not seem fair that you are footing all of the bills as that would limit your ability to buy what you need for your own place,should you decide to ever move.

By law,I believe if you have been living there,he has to award you the same rights as a tenant on a lease.Meaning he would have to give you 30 days notice if he ever decided to do so.

I don't know why you are paying for everything but that seems very unfair.It is also limiting you from acquiring your own independence should you desire it.

I completely understand that you are paying for a home with all the trappings but not acquiring anything that is personally yours.That would cause me concern as well.

He should at least be responsible for paying the previous debt.
Even if he has to deal with a debt consolidation service,he may be able to bring his debt and or interest down.

Here is a link I think you may find useful,for his previous debt that he needs to tend to.
Debt Consolidation Program | Credit Counseling Service Debt Settlement & Debt Reduction - Superior Debt Relief

You keep receipts proving you paid everything. If you break up in some states you can go after him for palamony.
When I first read this I thought you were concerned about you leaving with nothing and wondered where the relationship is when you are concerned about going into a relationship with nothing and leaving with nothing but since you are paying the bills I would think he should compensate you on some things if you broke up. Keep a detailed record of your money and the bills and things you buy.

I would say that if you moved into the apartment with nothing, and bought nothing, then you should leave with nothing.
If you are paying more than half of the expenses, then it's your own fault if you leave with nothing. If you are loaning him any money, you should get a promissory note that he'll pay you back.
My guess is that you are banking on a future with this guy. If this guy has never mentioned that he'll pay you back, he must be thinking that he earned the money your paying out for him.

Thanks everyone for all the responses.

I have since sat him down and had a chat to him and I have told him that I am giving him a month to get a job, after which I am not going to pay another cent towards anything. I just feel like all my money is being sucked out of me and there isn't ever anything left over for me! I would like to start thinking about getting a better car and if I'm going to continue paying his share/debts then that won't ever happen.

I'm not paying everything because I feel like this is the only way that I will be able to keep him around, I think I just started paying for everything because if I didn't then we wouldn't have any food in the house or electricity etc! But now its just become too convenient for him.

So my action plan for the moment is that I have given him an ultimatum to get a job and start contributing! I don't know whether I should start halving everything down the middle with him when he/if he gets a job or what? I don't know how to divide everything up.. thoughts on that?

I think some people have made a good point about staying off the lease though. I never thought about it in that way... so that has definitely given me some food for thought!


Once again, thanks so much for all the responses! I really really appreciate all of the comments and help from everyone!!

Would you have any reasons to break up? If not, don't worry about it and trust that the relationship will last. If so, then why are you still with him, if you're just going to end up breaking up and doing all those things for him.

I've always had an exit plan when I've moved in with boyfriends. Unless you're married, or on a lease, you have no protection.
Basic advice is to always have 6-8 months of salary saved for emergencies. If you spend it all on your boyfriend you'll have nothing to show for it. If you only pay your share of the bills, then you can build your savings to find a new place to live.
Everything in your boyfriend's apartment (including your boyfriend) is easily replaceable. Your self-respect, integrity, life-savings, is not.

I would say a 50/50 split is the way to go and you should not pay anything on his previous debt.

If he did not have you there ,how could he possibly manage?

If he is living above his means and relying on you to pick up the slack,that is unfair.

Maybe he needs to go to work full time and go to school part time.
Many people have to make that sacrifice as adults who do not live at home.
Something has to give and it should not be from your wallet.

If he doesn't get a job and start paying by the time limit you have given him make sure you do move. I have had two bf's that sucked me broke and it doesn't get better.
They take you for granted and they think you are so in love with them that you won't leave.

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I have been having some major problems lately. In the past I have had some issues with being jealous of his friendships with other girls, because I thought that he has taken it too far. He gets into the habit of becoming friends with a girl and then constantly text messaging her and talking to her on the internet, which I think is just a little excessive. He has also lied to me about this in the past and tried to hide it from me. I found out about it, and he confessed everything and although nothing was going on I felt betrayed and humiliated. It took a long time to get over it but I thought we were on the right track with getting everything sorted. Then I find out that it has been happening again with another girl. I am friends with the girl that he has been having a lot of contact with and I think she is a nice person and I don't believe that anyhing is going, but when I saw that there were text messages on his phone from her and then asked him about it he deleted them and denied everything. He then confessed a while later (in the same day) that they were text messages from the girl that I suspected and I just feel like all the trust we built up has just been shattered and he has begged for my forgiveness, but I just don't know whether to let him go or to work on this.

I wasn't snooping in his phone to find out about the text messages, he was showing me a message from a friend of his and I saw her name in the inbox and when I asked him about it he said that I was seeing things and that it never happened. After a while of arguing with him and him telling me that I was seeing things I started to believe him that maybe I was being paranoid and really seeing things. I don't even know how to start describing how I felt when I found out that I wasn't making things up and seeing things.

I just feel really lost and unsure about what to do or think. He is a good guy, and normally treats me like a princess... but he just keeps being deceitful and I just don't know what to say to him anymore. Do I stick around and try and sort this out, or move on?

Please help.. I'm so confused.

You very likely are pushing him away with your accusations. He could subconsciously be feeling this is not going to work out so he doesn't want to leave communication with other girls out. Your accusing him can and will break you up faster than anything.
I can not determine if he is the cheater type or not, but you need to make yourself more desirable by starting with yourself image. Have more confidence and quit worrying so much about what he is up to. The more you push him about things the more he is going to hide things.

I have shown him that I can trust him and I thought he was being honest with me, and then I find out that there is more that he is keeping from me. Am I wrong in feeling upset about that?

I don't think you're wrong for feeling upset. If he would have just been honest up front, I don't know that you'd feel the way you feel now. I think the fact that he lied to you about it is what's bothering you. Am I right? If he isn't showing any signs of cheating I would just brush it off and explain to him that you wouldn't be worried if he wasn't lying about things because the lying is what will cause him to lose your trust faster than anything.

I think you have two choices.
Either live with the fact he talks to other girls and don't make any issue out of it until you know it is a serious problem.
Decide that you do not want to be with someone that you aren't sure you can trust because of his hiding things and tell him you want to break up because it bothers you too much

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I think you have two choices.
Either live with the fact he talks to other girls and don't make any issue out of it until you know it is a serious problem.
Decide that you do not want to be with someone that you aren't sure you can trust because of his hiding things and tell him you want to break up because it bothers you too much

---

Dang it! I had to spread the rep. You're right though. If she choses to stay in the relationship she can't make a big deal about it.

Just exactly how tight a leash do you want him on, pixiegurl? If he's just talking to other people and you make accusations his "lies" are self-defense.

Is the texting taking time away from you? Does he neglect you in any way? Does it bother you if he looks at someone else?

These are questions we cannot answer, you have to ask them of yourself.

I had a problem being overcontrolling and jealous at one time. I am much happier since I got myself over it.

You obviously don't trust him. My feeling is that he lies to you because you've probably driven him to that point. He doesn't tell you things because he doesn't want you to overreact, so he avoids having these fights by being "deceitful". Don't get my wrong this isn't an excuseable behavior, but when you're so intense and on top of everything he does, you drive him into a corner and you're almost grooming him to be that way.

You need to learn to trust him first. If you did, you wouldn't be bothered by these texts and you wouldn't hound him. If you have trust issues then you need to work on those, otherwise this relationship isn't going to work.

Is he friends with any guys? From the way you described things, it sounds like he enjoys being friends with a lot of girls... which I do find a little strange... perhaps you can give more information on this aspect?

I merged your posts to give the complete story of this relationship and given the problems with the finances, and lack of trust, I don't see this as a healthy relationship, until you have talked, and cleared the air, and defined the bounds of good behavior, between you. From what you have written, there is very little working together, or sharing the responsibility of the relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/womens...me-341824.html

You have many areas of this relationship that your questioning and they all take you talking honestly to resolve. Or else all you have are two people playing house, and that looks good on paper, but won't survive in reality.

Wow, he can get on the internet and text people but can't get a job? Then again he has you paying all the bills(including his debts) so he got it made.::sign::

You stated he treats you like a princess but how and where? It seems like he is getting all the special treatments with benefits.

I guess nothing change and your contempt in this relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I don't think you're wrong for feeling upset. If he would have just been honest up front, I don't know that you'd feel the way you feel now. I think the fact that he lied to you about it is what's bothering you. Am I right? If he isn't showing any signs of cheating I would just brush it off and explain to him that you wouldn't be worried if he wasn't lying about things because the lying is what will cause him to lose your trust faster than anything.

---

I think that's pretty close to what I'm feeling at the moment. I just want us to be open with each other, and if he wants to have friendships with other girls then I am all for it... I just want him to be honest about it!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Just exactly how tight a leash do you want him on, pixiegurl? If he's just talking to other people and you make accusations his "lies" are self-defense.

Is the texting taking time away from you? Does he neglect you in any way? Does it bother you if he looks at someone else?

These are questions we cannot answer, you have to ask them of yourself.

I had a problem being overcontrolling and jealous at one time. I am much happier since I got myself over it.

---

I don't think that I am overcontrolling... I have never said that he can't be friends with other people or that he can't spend time or anything with other people... if he does I just think I have the right to know (and I DESERVE) to know about it... I think that is fair... but he doesn't seem to think so and that's when he starts lying about it because he'd rather just hide it then bring it up in a conversation or anything like that.

I do admit to being jealous previously of one girl, and I thought that I had come a long way... but ever since then he just still hides things from me. I need him to be honest with me about things, not lie and keep it from me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

You obviously don't trust him. My feeling is that he lies to you because you've probably driven him to that point. He doesn't tell you things because he doesn't want you to overreact, so he avoids having these fights by being "deceitful". Don't get my wrong this isn't an excuseable behavior, but when you're so intense and on top of everything he does, you drive him into a corner and you're almost grooming him to be that way.

You need to learn to trust him first. If you did, you wouldn't be bothered by these texts and you wouldn't hound him. If you have trust issues then you need to work on those, otherwise this relationship isn't going to work.

Is he friends with any guys? From the way you described things, it sounds like he enjoys being friends with a lot of girls... which I do find a little strange... perhaps you can give more information on this aspect?

---

He is friends with other guys, but he isn't as obsessed about hanging out with them and spending time with them as he is with girls... and he doesn't see a need to lie to me about spending time with his guy friends as he does with girls... which is pretty obvious that he doesn't want to make me jealous about his relations with girls, but I just wish that he would be honest with me about what he is doing... so then I wouldn't be sitting at home wondering what the hell is going on!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

I merged your posts to give the complete story of this relationship and given the problems with the finances, and lack of trust, I don't see this as a healthy relationship, until you have talked, and cleared the air, and defined the bounds of good behavior, between you. From what you have written, there is very little working together, or sharing the responsibility of the relationship.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/womens...me-341824.html

You have many areas of this relationship that your questioning and they all take you talking honestly to resolve. Or else all you have are two people playing house, and that looks good on paper, but wont survive in reality.

---

Since my last post about him not having a job, he has since gotten one and has started to pull his weight with paying for things. It was a hard issue, but we got through it with a lot of talking and problem solving... but I just feel that this is a whole separate issue and I don't know what approach to take with it.


I know that we can get through our problems, and we're definitely not 'playing house'... there is a huge problem with communication... and both of us know it, but we don't know how to fix it. Neither of us want to give up on this relationship, we are both putting in 110%... but when it comes to saying what we want and expect from each other, we find that we can't do it and then our problems get bigger and bigger until we are left screaming at each other. Don't get me wrong when I talk about my problems I am having, I KNOW that things are bad and that we need to fix things... thats why I need some good old fashion advice and help!

Thanks to everyone that replied... I appreciate all your thoughts and concerns.

I love my partner very much, and I believe that our biggest problem is communication with each other... but neither of us have ever been in a relationship this serious and so I guess there is a lot of pushing and pulling with each other in testing the boundaries. We don't know how to work through our problems effectively.

In canada your common-law after six months of living together, lease or no lease.

Quote:

---

Pixiegurl,
I love my partner very much, and I believe that our biggest problem is communication with each other... but neither of us have ever been in a relationship this serious and so I guess there is a lot of pushing and pulling with each other in testing the boundaries. We don't know how to work through our problems effectively.

---

The two of you better find a way to talk because it isn't hard. Sit down and just talk to each other in a mature, civil, open way so the two of you won't have to hold it in. Once you start holding things in it is only going make you blow up.

If you can't sit down to talk then write what you need to say to him on paper then hand it to him. However, after he reads it the two of you still are going have to talk because you can't communicate through paper for ever.

I assume you know communication is very important and once this lacking the relationship will be doomed. Open your month and talk, talk, and talk some more. Never go to bed anger at each other.