Ask Me Help Desk - Sometimes life can be confusing. What to do?

So, let at first say that I am 22 years old. I met my ex-gf when I was 17 years old and playing in a band. We were eachothers first, but I didn't want to date her because I didn't have enough money to make the relationship work(because of seeing her, gas money, taking her out to dinner/movies), so I decided to not date her. She goes mad, and hates me. She then through out my teenage life keeps in contact with me and we hang out every once in a while(every 6 months or so). We hook up, and that's about it, but I still didn't want to be in a relationship with her because I didn't have the time or the money to be committed to one person. In my senior year of high school I get a new job making decent money and date a few people from when I was 17(local ones because I could afford gas and such) to 19. None of those lasts because we just didn't click so It wasn't a big loss to me. But when I was finishing up my senior year of high school, this girl(my now ex) sent me a text message saying she wants to be with me still after all the years have past. I tell her I have a new job and blah blah blah about my life. We meet up and hang out, and I can finally make this relationship a meaningful one because I have the funds to drive up and see her every weekend and take her out to movies dinners, and just have fun. We date for 2 years and fell madly in love because it was what we both wanted in our lifes, and I am happy because I know I can now give her everything she wanted, that I couldn't when I was younger.

She tells everyone, all her friends, all my friends, "I finally have him. I finally have my husband and my soul mate." And I agree, and I was happy that I held out this long to date her because I knew if we dated when we were younger then it most likely wouldn't have worked out.

After the 2 year mark she breaks up with me saying, "she doesnt know what she wants" "I dont love you anymore" "I dont want to be in a relationship with you anymore" I am crushed, and I feel like my world is falling apart, I was 20, turning 21 soon, and she was 19, turning 20 soon. I said, "I can't make you love me, and I can't make you want me, and if you dont want me or love me then I hope you find what you are looking for in life." and hang up. 3 and a half months later of NC she has her mother call my house explaining to my parents that she couldn't cope with losing me and she made a big mistake and that what she said wasn't what she meant to say and that she is sorry and wants to work this out. So I decide to give it another chance because I felt as if... if you have your parents call my parents to get us back together then you probably really do love me. So we talk, and she tells me she found the light, she says that the grass wasn't greener on the other said and found out what she wanted in life was to be with me, and said that she can't live without me and that we are soul mates. So we get back together.

1 year later, guess what happens? What do I do? I feel hurt... Its been 1 month of NC. I'm not the kind of guy to give second chances, and I did... I feel stupid, and weak. I'm the kind of guy that when you break up with me I don't ever talk to you again. And we haven't talked since a month ago, and I'm going to keep it like that. When she told me the same thing she said to me 1 year ago, I basically said, "Well if you don't love me, then I can't make you love me. Good luck in life, and I hope you find what you are looking for." And then I hang up.

Its not that I care about losing her, because I am a very logical thinker when it comes to break ups. I have given her everything I have. I am 22 years old. I am going to school to become a nurse and I have a year and 3 months left to get my RN. I work on the side making 40-50k a year while going to school full time. I have my together, and I given her everything she ever wanted, because that's what I do when I am in a relationship. I am a nice wonderful guy, I am faithful! I stick up for my partners and always give them compliments, flowers, and so on. Monthly cards, like happy 34 months, next month happy 35 months. Etc.

I am just upset with myself because I gave her a second chance. I should have never done this. I should have never DATED her because I knew when I was younger that there was something weird with this girl. And I though, this is to good to be true. How could someone love me so much without even knowing who I was. I should have never dated he. I noticed things were not going to good on the second time around when she stopped inviting me to family parties, weddings, and anything family related. I don't know why I didn't see the signs... But if she was troubled about things that I have done(or lack there of), don't you think she could have at least tried to talk about them with me to try and fix things. To work on the relationship. It feels like I did all the work, all the patching, and all the loving in the relationship.

Not to mention a week before she left me, she was texting me how she can't live without me. That she loves me forever, and ever, to the moon and back. Even writes it on the fridge board at my house, "I heart chris for ever"

Thanks for reading. All I wanted to say was...

Don't GIVE SECOND CHANCES. If someone leaves you, or someone is thinking about leaving you then you most GO. Don't wait around for no body. If someone says they don't want you, or is confused about life, or doesn't know what they want. Leave. I will never ever, ever give a second chance to anyone, for as long as I live. I have lived by this my whole life after my first love broke my heart(when I was 15 years old), and I have been through at-least 5 relationships before the recent one ended(we dated for 3 years). I can tell you stories of each one. Every girl I had after my first love, I have pretty much ended things. I left them and did NC and have keept it like that forever. Never talking to them again. As soon as someone makes a mistake with me I am out. I don't do second chances. But with this most recent break up. I gave it a second chance, and I am so upset with myself. I feel... like a weak pathetic person. :confused:

So to everyone out there hoping for a second chance with someone. Trust me, history will ALWAYS repeat itself. Once you break up(even over something little) you did it for a reason, because you have standards and if that person isn't up to your standards they will never be, and you have to find someone who treats you right and if up to your standards. We all have things we need out of a relationship and we shouldn't settle for anything less.

Thanks for the read,
From a guy who knows what it feels like and is surviving the deadly heartache!

Oddly, I agree with your post, and can feel the hurt behind it.

It's a shame we learn best by pain.

Love is a risk that makes you take it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Oddly, I agree with your post, and can feel the hurt behind it.

Its a shame we learn best by pain.

Love is a risk that makes you take it.

Thanks. There is so much she has done to me in the past... I should have left her a long time ago. Why does love have to be so bliss, I thought it took two to tango.

I can agree with most of you story, like that myself. But,don't be hard on yourself for being who you are. Something was telling you to give it a chance,it didn't work, so be it. She lost. Just remember you might be the one needing a 2nd chance one day. Next time think longer before you think of giving the 2nd chance. Its hard to know when to give it, bounce it off some friends 1st. Really sucks when you give so much and it is not returned or is thrown away.Makes it sting more.

Threads merged

Its been 1 month since NC went into affect. The ex after being with me for 3 years has not tried to contact me since she told me those 7 harsh words we don't ever want to hear...

I feel abused and torn apart. I keep wondering: How can someone who once loved you do this to you? Although, the pain DOES subside over time, looking back I can see that I was much better emotionally then the first week of the breakup. I can actually say that I MIGHT survive... As weird as that sounds.

So, why am I worried. I am worried that I will not find my true love. I was VERY much in love, at least I thought I was in love. I keep wishing she tries to come back or contact me so I can deny her... I feel so ashamed of myself for falling in love... Maybe what we had wasn't love. Maybe I wasn't in love. I don't know because If she doesn't love me then I guess it wasn't love...

Im back on the horse, and I promise you all, that from this day forward, I will not go into a relationship again unless the girl is PERFECT for me, because I don't want to get hurt, EVER EVER EVER again.

:'(

My girlfriend dumped me of two years... was the hardest thing I ever went through... your doing the right thing man of No Contact. That will only make the healing faster and make you stronger! I promise... there's going to be those days where you wake up at 4 am with this black cloud of death over u, but you got to push forward. It does get better, and you will begin to love again. Don't rush it, take it slow and find yourself again. At about 2 months of nc, the pain subsides a little the at month 3 a little more. I won't lie it's the slowest process ever, but the sun eventually begins to shine behind the clouds and you begin to gain site of that green hill far away. May god be with u.

Why did she dump you, did she say those 5 words that no one wanted to hear? "I dont love you anymore?"

No man... some times its even worse when they don't say it, because then you keep that false hope and promises as if they still do love you and you keep holding on, and its harder to let go. Be grateful she said she didn't love u, in a sense that should give you closure and a sense to really move on and find that person that does love you and appreciate you. When you meet that person you will know. After she broke up with me it took 8 months to heal and then I met a new girl. I fell in love again and then 5 months later guess what... she dumped me and broke my heart. Maybe nice guys finish last who knows? All I know is that when it hit me it didn't hurt as much because I knew I could fall in love just like I did last time... that you, it takes a long time to heal but eventually you begin too open up again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adapa

Im back on the horse, and I promise you all, that from this day forward, I will not go into a relationship again unless the girl is PERFECT for me, because I dont want to get hurt, EVER EVER EVER again.

:'(

Part of living is taking chances; you never know who is "perfect" for you until you get to know them...

I'm just saying, don't close your heart to opportunities to develop relationships. When you build walls around your heart, you're the only one that it hurts.

Best of luck in the search :)

Your still freshly hurt, but your doing better, but in time you will see that there is no such thing as perfect.

Don't worry about a relationship, just enjoy the people you meet, and accept them for who they are.

The whole key is establishing a relationship with yourself, and being happy with who you are. Not putting your happiness in the hands of a perfect partner.

You ever think that out of all the females in the world only one is perfect for you? That's crazy, and a false premise.

But you will see that for yourself when all the emotional dust settles.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You ever think that out of all the females in the world only one is perfect for you? Thats crazy, and a false premise.

But you will see that for yourself when all the emotional dust settles.

I use to believe in soulmates...

Here is our last text messages to each-other 1 month ago:

After the break-up a few days after of NC, I texted telling her I loved her, and that I believe that this is a big mistake and that I would do anything to fix our situation. I told her that I loved her, and that I really do believe that God made her for me. I said all the sappy stuff that everyone in love would say, I even said these words to her beforehand, when everything was okay. She even told me we were soul-mates a week before she dropped the bomb on me. She didn't text me back until a few days later. It was Saturday night(11ish PM) and I get a text message from her that she wants to talk about my text message. I told her I was out with friends and we could talk about it tomorrow. And she said "um okay"

The next morning around 8ish AM I texted her saying:

"if you dont want to be in a relationship with me and don't feel the same way as me then there is no point in talking about it"

And she replied with 2 hours later:

"you have no idea what i was going to say. and i can see it not important to you anymore. so i think i made the right choice. maybe oneday we can be friends"

Then I texted her back saying:

"if you dont want me anymore and dont love me anymore there is nothing you can say to me. and im sorry we can't be friends anymore and i just want you to know that you are going to loose me forever. at least i tried and followed my heart and gave it my all. I think you made the right choice too and i can see now that we arent made for each-other. you dont want kids and you are a different religion then me and you dont love me and dont know if you love me anymore. i really do hope you find what you want in life and this just tells me that my soul-mate is still out there to be found. im sorry but im going to change my number and be gone forever. thats not to say i wont ever forget about you because that is a lie. and always remember to try your best in school because i think you have what is takes to get to where you want to be. dont let anyone tell you different. and dont setter for anything less then your expectations because you will never be happy with yourself. remember that this is a new chapter in our life and we choose how our book is written. i hope you find what you want in life. by XXX im going to miss your hugs and kisses"

She then texted me saying:

"you dont need to change your number"

And the last words we ever exchanged was my last text message I sent which was a month ago:

"Okay but im not sure ill ever have the same number forever i will have the same e-mail forever tho. i want to hear about your life later down the road once these feelings pass and once we both move on. so save my e-mail because i saved yours and i want to hear about all your accomplishments later in life not right away tho, but when your at the palce you want to be and when we are older and have a family and kids i want to hear about it. no. i would love to hear about it. i can't wait for it. I want the best for you because i love you and i want you to be happy even if its not with me. it makes me happy knowing that you are happy. and i dont hate you im not angry or bitter. so save my e-mail ok lol. and ill be sure to let you know about all my accomplishments. life is tricky but in the end itll all workout. if we are meant to be its meant to be even if we are 50 years old i thin k we still still love each-other and care about both our lifes. im happy now tho im happy with my life. with our without you in it. goodbye please dont text me back."

Yeah... This was out last conversation until NC was put into place. I think I handeld it like a true man. Whatya think?

I think if your satisfied, so am I.

The thing about soulmates, if they stand the test of time then you were right about them, if they don't, you were... mistaken.

Hope you find yours.

Well. Its been exactly one month. And I can tell you that the pain has subsided a lot. I still feel like my ego is busted. And I feel like I won't ever find love again, but I hope to one-day find it again. Someone to hold me and care about me, is what Im searching for. Someone I can talk to them about my day. My ex has not tried to contact me so this is good. I finally moved on to the stage where I am letting go. Although, I still have memories of our times together. Like how we first met and how we were so in love. I woke up today thinking about how could someone who was so in love with you just up and leave, and I am lost trying to figure out the missing parts. I think that there is something wrong with me, but then I think: If she could have once loved me, then someone else could love me again. Right now I am still hoping that she gets really hurt like I did. I know now that there is more to life then relationships. I have decided to stay far away from women until I am done my studies because I do not want to play these games while I am in school because it takes away from my studies and my future. Thanks for everyone who supports me... I am still sad, but a different kind of sad. I just hope she finds what she's looking for because when you love someone you want the best for them, and if I was not the best then I hope she finds the best.

Congrats man, I'm on day 29 0f no contact... almost a month... and you dude its killer. My ex hasn't contacted me and even though you hope they don't, every time your phone vibrates your hoping it is them! It's a crazy thing! Keep strong man... will eventually get through this and find the ones that will love us unconditionally. Good luck buddy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pureorganic

congrats man, im on day 29 0f no contact.... almost a month... and ya dude its killer. my ex hasnt contacted me and even though u hope they dont, everytime ur phone vibrates ur hoping it is them! its a crazy thing! keep strong man..... will eventually get through this and find the ones that will love us unconditionally. good luck buddy.

Yeah I know its rough. But this is how it hasto be let us just remember that we are men, young men at that with our whole life in front of us. They will come back oneday but we will habr moved on from the situation. And I can't wait for the time to come. As of right now my heart is closed to love for now. Even though there might be ladies who want me, I no longer. Feel like dealing with the whole dating thing and getting to know a person and their family. I will wait for the one for me and we will know when that time has come hopefully.

Amen bro!! You dude, I'm closed up totally... I have no desire to date, I just feel numb even to the most beautiful women... I know there are better days... I have been through this before, but this one hurts more because I loved her a lot more. Keep strong man, do things you never did before and reinvent yourself... I love playing the guitar and composing and singing... your in a band... you know music does wonders emotioanlly for the soul.. let it out in your music, its very theraputic!! Keep strong and keep us updated.

Good Luck! I hope you find a great person who will treat you as you need to treated!

The worse thing is... I know she will try and come back into my life because I am so far ahead of life then she is and she will notice one-day that she has nothing, her boyfriend is nobody, and her life is going nowhere. As my life will 100% go somewhere and hers won't. She will try and come back once she realizes what she had, and I am afraid that I won't be strong enough to ignore her. But we will see, maybe in a few months or even a year I will have forgotten... I will be the test... if true love lasts forever, or if that is just fairy-tales.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adapa

The worse thing is... I know she will try and come back into my life because I am so far ahead of life then she is and she will notice one-day that she has nothing, her bf is nobody, and her life is going nowhere. As my life will 100% go somewhere and hers wont. She will try and come back once she realizes what she had, and I am afraid that I wont be strong enough to ignore her..

If you accept it's over and get on with the healing process you won't want her if she comes running back , believe me. Because you won't have all the emotional turmoil that's going on in your head now and you'll see the reason it didn't work in the first place.

Glad you are doing better. It will take time, but you will meet someone else.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I wish I could go back to my own-self... I wish I could function without being with someone... I wish I could be happy being alone... That is what I will try and do. My goal is to be 100% happy being alone in this world. That is what I will try and accomplish. This is something I have to-do for myself. This is what I have to-do for my life. Mark my words, this is not the end... I will be alone and be happy. Would it not be amazing to just wake up and be alone and be happy, this is something I will try and do, try and accomplish in my life.

It's a great goal and you'll get there sooner than you think.

Being happy on your own is about building a relationship with yourself and finding out who you are and what you want in life.

If its meant to be its meant to be. But chances are when she finally "understand that we are soul-mates" and if she ever comes back... She would have already hooked-up with someone or kissed someone, or had sex with someone, so there is no really going back.

Nobody knows what the future holds-with this person you have the experience of her past actions,and now you are free to create your own present and your own future.

You're in charge-good luck.

I have been dealing with my emotions pretty good now. It just hit me that I have not even thought about my ex for 2-3 days straight, and if I did it was only for a split second with no pain. That got me thinking... if the last 2-3 days were easy... I wonder how another 2-3 months could make me feel.. Although, I am thinking now about it again. Right now I am mostly thinking about how she might be with another man, doing the dirty, or cuddling up next to someone. I hope she is, as people who tend to go from relationship to relationship quickly end up getting ted on. Hmm... Even if this new guy was a close friend, or she was planing it for a while, it would never work because she was planing it while she was with me... So therefore that means that she used him as an escape goat to ease the pain from her situation. She will only realize how big of a mistake that is once he cheats on her, abuses her, or he leaves her for another woman, or she leaves him/cheats on him/etc and then he ends up leaving her... that the emotions of me will come straight running to her heart. I believe that if we don't deal with the emotions of a break up like real normal human beings then the pain will ALWAYS be there until we deal with it. To deal with the pain to make it completely go away you have to understand that going out with someone right away and/or having sex/kissing someone else/cuddling someone else is NOT the way because you are just masking the problem... because when its gone, or its not there when you need it... it will always be there to haunt you. Right. Right.

Instead of thinking about what she might be doing,and with whom,keep thinking about how so much better you will be feeling tomorrow,next week and next month.

Yeah I guess you are right. I mean she didn't even want kids or anything, so its not it would have worked out. I hate the feeling of what ifs and about holding on to someone that doesn't hold onto you. Hmmm, if this is how it has to be then it has to be this way. Even though its very hard for me to imagine giving up on love it is amazing that people in love can do this. I don't know what love is anymore and I really do want to be in love again someday.

Bin all the 'ifs and whys',overanalyzing the past is not going to make you feel any better.

When those thoughts pop up,get busy-and change your way of thinking.

Don't worry about future loves now-when you're ready,it will happen again.

When you have gotten rid of the baggage of the past, then you will be ready for the future. That's what healing is about.

Thanks guys. Healing is hard... But I know that is what we have to-do in life. I know that EVERYONE goes through this. Why did I think I was not going to go through this. I knew that when she was going to turn 21 that it would be over. She's young and beautiful and prob has guys all over her all the time. Why would she want me... I am just one guy who is going to school full time and has no time for her. I was just hoping... praying to God that she would understand what we could do when I was done school... The sky would have been the limits. Could have had a nice house, nice things, and nice benefits... I guess young girls don't think about the future... I hate that all I do is plan for the future... damn me.

Do your thing and you will succeed, and someone who can keep up with you will appear because you both will be going in the same direction.

Talaniman Rule-Never define yourself by an exes viewpoint.

Thats why you never beat your own self up after a break up. Her rejection will fade over time, and with your own successes, and accomplishments

I know what you mean... But this girl has really ed my head up... I mean she came after me, she WANTED to be with me, and now she does not want me anymore. I have never been treated like this before... I know this will make me a stronger person in the end but right now it just made me so upset. I feel like she is getting the last laugh and I lost. All I can do is pick up what's left of my dignity and move on. But its so hard... When I love someone I love someone with all of my heart... I will never do that again. Besides I am to young to be like this. But it just makes my life harder because I have to do good in school and focusing on my schooling has been really hard. I wish I could just take a year off and gather myself but I know that I would regret that because when I take that time off I would have already been done school and I would have already been over it by then most likely.

I can understand it, but the life lesson to learn is how to cope with your feelings, and situations that life throws at you. You think your upset now, just wait for when life does get tough.

You will learn as you grow. For now though just leave her alone, and do your thing.

I can tell you that the more you reflect on her, the more you get distracted away from what you should be doing.

The hardest part is her family. They wanted us to get married. They treated me like their son in law. Her father always said I was their son in law. I WORKED with her father when I was out of work. How can you let that go. I was never so close to someone and their family before... It was my other family. I talked to all her family, they knew me, they talked to me, they kissed me goodbye and greeted me all the time with hugs and kisses... I just don't understand. They wanted us to get married. But they prob just wanted that because they knew that I was a good man. That I was going to gibe their daughter a good life. Thts prob it. Have you ever had that before?

LOL, I have know the family of exes that I got along with better than the ex. To bad you can't get rid of the exes, and keep the family. You never know though, after you have healed they may interact in your life in the future. For now get over the ex, and keeping in touch with her family won't help that. Its one of those things you will miss about this relationship.

I mean, I have done NC before with other girlfriends but it just sucks. We will see where life takes me I suppose.

Still going strong guys!!

19 more days until 2 month mark! WHOA! I feel much better then I did a month ago. I just got done my one nursing class, one more semester until summer break!!

Feeling sad... Feeling weak... I am still alive guys... if anyone cares that I am still breathing. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. My love is like a fountain of water that just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Never ending. I just don't understand anything in life anymore. I see my days go by slowly... they all merge together. It just really hurts, my heart and my body aches. I don't cry anymore but the pain is as real as anything... But I guess its better to feel something than to not feel anything at all...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adapa

Feeling sad... Feeling weak... I am still alive guys... if anyone cares that I am still breathing. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. My love is like a fountain of water that just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Never ending. I just don't understand anything in life anymore. I see my days go by slowly... they all merge together. It just really hurts, my heart and my body aches. I don't cry anymore but the pain is as real as anything... But I guess its better to feel something than to not feel anything at all...

Trust me, some days you'll feel completely fine then other days you'll feel like crap. But one thing that is certain is that is does get easier. If humans never healed from breakups could you imagine how many of us would be miserable all the time? Hang in there, be strong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmericanGirl01

Trust me, some days you'll feel completely fine then other days you'll feel like crap. But one thing that is certain is that is does get easier. If humans never healed from breakups could you imagine how many of us would be miserable all the time? Hang in there, be strong.

Some days I feel like I am super-man... I lost 55 lbs in a little under 2 months. I was 225 lbs... now I am 170 lbs. I look really different... I just can't eat anything much. I feel like I am morphing into a new person. I look like I did before I met my EX. If humans never healed from a break-up then everyone would be in a ty mode, you are right. I feel right now that I can NEVER trust another woman. I keep telling myself that this will NEVER happen again. I will not love someone EVER again. I don't want to go through this pain again, ever again...