Threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

So, my dad's a jerk. I don't want to go into details. Well, me and my fiancé have been together for nearly a year (will be a year on the 29th). I am terrified of so much because of my dad. I have, according to my friends, a warped view of reality. Where when a female loves a male, she completely submits to him in every way and he is her superior. Males I consider superior terrify me when upset, my fiancé accidentally raising his voice to me caused me to hide and cry. I don't see my fiancé often because we live at great distance so each moment we are together we try to cherish. It would be much easier to take full advantage of our time together without my constant fear due to abuse. No this not an attention post as someone has commented on another post, were I in want of attention rather than serious answers I would be posting something like "OMG My life totally sucks. Txt me!". Serious answers only please

It's common to feel this way. What you do to get over it is up to you.

There's no easy solution. What will work for one person won't work for another.

Have you considered therapy? Where is your mom in all of this? What does she say when your father is abusive to you? Have you ever reported him? Has your mom?

You're 17, you only have a few years left before you can leave and live your own life. Not a great comfort when you're living in an abusive home, but it's something.

I'm the opposite of you. Because of things that happened in my past, being molested as a child, raped as a teen, I cannot submit to anyone. I always have to be in charge of the situation because I cannot allow anyone to get the upper hand. I'm working on it. Thankfully my husband is a very understanding guy.

You can let this be a burden for life, or you can take the bull by the horns and help yourself. Counseling really is the best option. Don't let it scare you, if you find the right counselor (be prepared to shop around) you'll find that it's really easy to open up, get everything out in the open so you can deal with it. A good counselor can give you the necessary tools to do that.

Good luck. And yes, I did say you were seeking attention, because some of your other posts seem to be a bit off. We don't usually get someone new that starts one thread after the other. Most people ease into it. When someone comes here and does what you did, we start to question why. Stick around and you'll understand. ;)

I've gone through the same things as you as well, byt I try to pretend they never happened... My mum is like a best friend to me, or at least was. I recently realized she isn't protecting me and my brother as well as she should in our situation. She screams and states she can't take me and my father's fighting anymore. I started fighting back around age thirteen. She doesn't want him in jail, so she hasn't reported it. I don't want her in trouble for enabling it so I don't report it. I've seen multiple therapists, one who drove me to my third suicide attempt. I see a phsychiatrist but I don't trust him much. I also don't want law officials involved so I tell him bare minimum.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. This isn't an easy situation.

One thing I did learn, and it took a long time to learn it, was that pretending that something bad didn't happen, doesn't work. Getting it out in the open, accepting it (no matter how horrible it is) and then moving on, that's the only way you can heal. Great, now I sound like a therapist. ;)

As for therapists, I tried many before I found one that I could work with. Most people aren't lucky enough to find the right one the first time out. This can really cause problems because most people think that all therapists are alike and they find one bad one and give up.

You have to find someone that you can be open and honest with. Someone that makes you feel comfortable. Please don't give up on that because therapy really can make a world of difference.

I wish I could give you some steps that would help, sadly there's not much more that I can offer other then what I've already told you.

I can tell you that this site is wonderful. A large part of the reason that I've accepted my past is because of the people on this site. So give us a chance. We're here to listen, give advice. You may not always like it, but we'll never lie to you, we'll always try to steer you in the right direction. :)

I'm always afraid of people not believing me. I posted my life story, asking for help, on a few teen advice sites and was never taken seriously. I also am so afraid of getting my mother in trouble. I know not all therapists are the same but my mum doesn't seem to think I need one because I take pills every morning for mental issues.

Obviously the pills aren't helping. Are you under a doctors care while on these pills? I take antidepressants and thyroid pills, I have to see my doctor every 3 months, even though I've been on the pills for many years. It's just to monitor how they're working and what the effects, if any, are.

A therapist and medication really is the best bet. Sadly you're not an adult so your mother is the one making these decisions for you.

If you're honest with me I'll be honest with you, that's a promise. I'll give you the best advice I can based on what you tell me. You may not always want to hear it, but I'll always tell you the truth. Deal?

I see Dr Richard Dyer at Intercare Mental Health Facility. He put me on Wellbutrin, Lamictal, and Adderall (I think I spelled Wellbutrin wrong). My next appoinment is on the 27th and I recently came to the decision that I have to tell him what's going on at home. But I'm so afraid of hurting my mum.

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I see Dr Richard Dyer at Intercare Mental Health Facility. He put me on Wellbutrin, Lamictal, and Adderall (I think I spelled Wellbutrin wrong). My next appoinment is on the 27th and I recently came to the decision that I have to tell him what's going on at home. But I'm so afraid of hurting my mum.

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Sweetie, if your mom loves you, which I'm sure she does, then you can't think about hurting her, you have to think about saving yourself.

She's in a tough spot too. She doesn't know what to do for you, how to get you out of this situation that she's also caught in. Telling someone, someone that can help, it's a major step. It's not easy, but things will be better once it's all out in the open.

You have to look out for yourself because obviously no one else is.

I've never cared about myself. Even my friends comment on how I put my own things on the backburner whilst I help others with trivial things. She's been in the same situation as I have. Only she escaped when she was very young. She knows how she can help. She just doesn't want my father being punished

From what you've written, I get the sense that you're afraid because you've essentially been passive. You're scared of abuse but you protect the perpetrator of the original abuse - your father.

Pretending that abuse hasn't happened does work - but only for a limited time. Eventually what occurs is that that the events and the trauma associated with the abuse come back transmuted into something bigger and better. Eating disorders, sleeping problems, obsessive compulsive behavior, self harming, relationship problems etc, etc can all be responses to having being abused and not dealing with it.

If you've seen therapists and psychiatrists then you will understand that the abuser frequently creates a dynamic where other family members get the blame for what is happening - i.e. you blame your mother for not protecting you enough, she blames you for arguing with your father too much. And, you continue to see therapists to manage all of this, but change can't occur because you aren't addressing the root of your problems - your father.

If your father has been molesting, raping or otherwise emotionally or sexually abusing you then he is breaking the law. He is a criminal of the worst order because he is defiling your rights as a human being to have a secure and loving childhood be part of a secure and loving family.

I honestly and genuinely apologize if this sounds harsh, but you and your mother are protecting someone that needs to be reported to the law. I understand that this man is your father, that you may love him, and that there may be a great deal of shame involved in what has happened, but why would you continue to condone this sort of behavior? You won't have any peace until he is judged by society for what he has done.

You are only 21, and already you're having problems with relationships and with the fear of being abused by someone else. That fear will eat into you and take over your life if you don't deal with its source - your father.

Your mother needs you to do this - she is as much if not greater a victim than you are.

I'm 17, and it wasn't him that molested and raped me. I'm not blaming my mum, I just know she should do more. I protect her, not my father. I typically blame myself for not being good enough to please my own dad.

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I'm 17, and it wasn't him that molested and raped me. I'm not blaming my mum, I just know she should do more. I protect her, not my father. I typically blame myself for not being good enough to please my own dad.

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You are the child! He is the adult. It's not your job to please him. It's not your job to starve yourself because he gets angry when you ask for food. It's also not your job to protect your mother, it's their job to protect you.

You really need to tell someone. You really do. I think you're ready to, don't you? Do you want things to continue the way they are? I know you don't. So tell someone. Let your father face the consequences of his actions, and your mother should face the consequences of hers. You're the child sweetie. You may be mature for your age, you may not be the typical 17 year old, but you're still their child and they aren't doing a very good job of being parents.

You need help. No one will know that you need it until you ask for it. So ask for it. Tell someone that can help you.

I am the kind of person that loves and cares for everyone, even if I "hate" them. Being the cause of their punishment would hurt me.

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I'm 17, and it wasn't him that molested and raped me. I'm not blaming my mum, I just know she should do more. I protect her, not my father. I typically blame myself for not being good enough to please my own dad.

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I don't care who molested and raped you - you need to talk to someone about it. Stop being the protector - it's not working. Stop blaming yourself - it's not working.

You are 17 (sorry, I don't know where I got that you're 21) and you should be the one being protected from all the fears that you harbor.

Things won't get better until you take action. This means bringing it all out into the open. It's scary, but you can start by talking in confidence to one of your therapists. Please tell someone, so that you can break this pattern of secrecy and abuse.

I told my fiancé

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I am the kind of person that loves and cares for everyone, even if I "hate" them. Being the cause of their punishment would hurt me.

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Continuing to allow them to punish you will hurt you more.

Is it time for me to tell you my story?

I don't do this often, only when I think it will help someone else, so here it goes.

I was molested by my cousin when I was a child. My earliest memory of it was at 5 years of age, I don't know what age I was when it stopped but it lasted for a few years. She (yes she) was my babysitter. My parents trusted her because she was family. I never told because she was family, my fathers sisters daughter. Even at the age of 5 I knew that this would destroy my parents, so I stayed silent.

Because of this molestation, I became a very easy teen. I started have sex pretty early on. I didn't care about myself, I didn't care about my body, so I let boys have what they wanted because it didn't matter to me.

When I was 18 I was brutally raped. It was a friend of my ex boyfriend. It happened in my house, in my bed, while my parents were away. Once again I kept my mouth shut. Once again I decided that sleeping around was the way to go. Better to give it then have it taken from you.

When I was 19 I met my husband. He didn't ask for sex right away. He actually treated me like a human being, like someone worthy of love, kindness. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to push him away. He didn't budge. We got married at 24 and we're still together now, have two beautiful kids.

I wish I could say that all my problems ended when I met him, but they didn't. I had major trust issues. I still have dominance issues, I always have to be in control.

When my daughter turned 5 that's when everything I'd kept bottled up for so long came flowing out with a vengeance. My daughter was the same age that I was when I was molested. I looked into that sweet innocent face and I saw me, the little girl that I used to be.

I had kept 5 year old me locked in a closet for a very long time. I wouldn't let her be a part of me. I couldn't accept her. Instead I locked her up, pretended she didn't exist. Do you know how much strength it takes to hold that closet door closed? When I finally opened it I found out.

It took a lot of talking, accepting and understanding to accept the 5 year old me, to accept that I wasn't to blame and to accept the fact that I deserve to be loved, that what happened to me doesn't define who I am, I do.

It took a lot of strength to accept myself for who I am.

The first step was to tell someone. After that, it was a lot of crying, a lot of talking, a lot of accepting. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and boy am I glad I did it.

So, do you have that strength? I think you do.

May I tell my story?

And you have my deepest respect for rising above.

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

may I tell my story?

and you have my deepest respect for rising above.

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If you're ready to tell your story, we're here to listen.

I have to go for the night, morning comes early and I have to get up earlier then usual.

Princess (that's my nickname for you, it's shorter then your username) I'm online at least once every day so I'll see what you write tomorrow.

Take care of yourself, eat your pretzel (maybe with mustard instead of butter?) and sleep well. :)

Talk to you tomorrow.

My entire life has been trauma.

Age three was my first car accident. My mother saved my life by throwing herself over me. That same year I was first molested by my cousin, only a few years older than me at the time. He said my parents would hate me if I told. And dad would be mad. By then I had learned angering daddy was bad, he was a drinker and abusive to my mother.

Age four, dad had begun to be cruel to me.

Age five, my first suicide attempt. I also moved away from my school, where I finally had started to socialize.

"Joshy" continued to molest me until he moved away. Age six, he got his friend (still my neighbor) to join in. They forced me and his sister to pose like the girls in a playboy they found.

Every two weeks, for a full week "Joshy" was over our house (my gram's we lived with her), and would repeatedly make me play sex games with him. My pappy, the only male in my life kind to me at the time, dies of cancer.

Age seven my family moved out on our own, and dad increases his violence, though he has stopped drinking. For three years this continues, as his cruelty and the cruelty of classmates increases with each passing day.

Age ten, my best friend moves away, however my cousin does as well. We move back into my gram's old house and my bedroom is the room in which everything started. Dad increases his violence towards me and others begin to notice my spiralling depression.


Eleven, my little brother is born. I come home crying one day and tell my dad about some mean things kids said to me at school. He told me to put down my sandwich and look in the mirror. That was what started my cutting and eating disorder. "Joshy" comes to visit, reminding me of everything.

Twelve, a flood washes away nearly everything we own. My grandmother dies. My second suicide attempt.

Thirteen, I begin expressing myself in poetry, for which I am severely punished. The dark style causes my parents to get me help, the woman made me feel worse and that everything is my fault. My beginning into drugs and drinking. Then a third suicide attempt.

Fifteen, I quit drugs. Dad continues getting more and more violent towards me. I lose 85lbs and gain unwanted sexual attention. Dad, high, molests me thirteen times, thinking I was mum. I begin to see another therapist.

Sixteen, begin taking meds. One increases aggression and I have the most memorable fight with my father. He loses his job. I meet my fiancé who stops my fourth suicide attempt during our first conversation. Five days later, we get together. Dad slowly lessens his violence.

Seventeen, I stop cutting and "making up" for eating (vommitting). I get engaged and give myself to my fiancé. The neighbor rapes me in my bed, causing the blood stain my foot is touching. Dad goes back to normal. I learn that I'm abused.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I have to go for the night, morning comes early and I have to get up earlier then usual.

Princess (that's my nickname for you, it's shorter then your username) I'm online at least once every day so I'll see what you write tomorrow.

Take care of yourself, eat your pretzel (maybe with mustard instead of butter?) and sleep well. :)

Talk to you tomorrow.

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I decided not to have a pretzel, here I come chocolate bar! Thanks and good night

o! I forgot to put in my finding out about my brain tumor and the tywo other car accidents

My fiancé desperately hates my father, if you've read my previous posts you know it is for good reason. My fiancé is normally a very gentle and passive person. Rarely resorting to violence. However he has great desire to inflict harm upon my dad, who truly does deserve it. How can I get my fiancé to ignore his presence and not focus so much on him?

What is the reasons behind this? All you can do is convey how you feel to them, tell them that you love them both and if they share the same feelings to put their differences aside for the sake of you

I don't love them both. I hate my father. Who loves my fiancé to death. But both him and I despise my dad.

Threads merged.

My fiancé asked me to go to the guidance office and tell them about everything my dad has done so he'd go to jail or at least me and my brother would be taken off him. But my mum yelled at me the other day about how my life isn't so bad. He hasn't beat me up in a while but he does threaten me constantly and hit my brother and mum. Mum made this huge deal about how her life when she was little was much worse. I usually obey my fiancé, but I just don't know what to do.

You shouldn't have to obey anyone,you should do what you feel is right for yourself.
What your father does is very wrong and should be reported.
Somebody has to break this cycle of violence and not allow it to continue.

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Originally Posted by amicon

You shouldnt have to obey anyone,you should do what you feel is right for yourself.
What your father does is very wrong and should be reported.
Somebody has to break this cycle of violence and not allow it to continue.

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I'm just naturally obedient to my partner. My dad used to be very very violent, however it's been a few weeks since he's hit my mum, a couple days since he hit my brother, and months since he's hit me. My mum did make valid points- no one is dying, her life as a child was much much worse. I'm so afriad of hurting my mother's feelings... But I want to obey my fiancé

Threads merged

Many people tell me I'm too obedient to my fiancé. Friends, family, and random people all tell me I need to stop listening to him. He is far from abusive, the sweetest guy you could meet. I just happen to submit and obey immediately. He doesn't take advantage of this either. He does occasionally use it to get me to do what he wants. Things to protect me though, such as to take my medicine, to eat (I have an eating disorder), and when he knows something isn't right he will order me to get away from something or to go inside and lock the door. Is it really all that bad that I have given him total control of me, which he does not use?

Violence,in any shape or form should never be condoned.
I agree with your fiancé.

These types of problems aren't going to go away.

You can either hide away and pretend nothing is going on. Or you can take a proactive approach and try to solve the problems.

At 17 years old, it's difficult for you to carry all the burden yourself. I think it's time to conceed to the fact that you need some help. You've suffered enough and you deserve better than this.

What do you think the best course of action?

Never submit to anyone but yourself. NEVER

Obedience is for dogs, not humans.

Be true to yourself. What he is doing IS a form of abuse.

I would like to know how old are you?

You sound young
And giving your freewill up and letting someone else control you. Is just so wrong
You should be strong enough to control and think for yourself.

It seems any confidance or will or thought of your own.. has been knocked kicked or punched right out of you.

It's a real shame

I think you should seek help and get away from 80% of the people that surround you in your life, they are all doing more harm than good.

I think that you are losing your own identity in this relationship is a bad thing. It is always bad. Fiancé, boyfriend, mother, friend... it doesn't matter who they are you need to do what is right for you. If you don't know what that is you need to figure that out.

I think that one way or another, you need to talk to someone about the past. We are deeply, all of us affected by the past. Whether in a good way or a bad, it is there it is what we are the sum of.

I don't believe personally, that anyone is just naturally completely obedient. I think that this sort of obedience, and really it rubs me the wrong way to use the word obedience when we are not speaking of a child/parent dynamic and even then, well I'm digressing...

What I mean to say is you need to find yourself, who you are and what you think. If you don't do this well, if you are ever without a guide how will you survive?

Best of Luck.

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

I would like to know how old are you?

you sound young
and giving your freewill up and letting someone eles control you. is just so wrong
you should be strong enough to control and think for yourself.

it seems any confidance or will or thought of your own.. has been knocked kicked or punched right out of you.

its a real shame

i think you should seek help and get away from 80% of the people that surround you in your life, they are all doing more harm than good.

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I'm 17
To anyone other than my fiancé, I'm the "fiesty short girl" who will "knock ya on yer @$$ soon as look at ya" (from the various descriptions my friends, teachers, family, etc have given me) To anyone else, except my dad, I'm the let freedom ring girl. But when it comes to my fiancé, I willingly obey everything he says. He doesn't make me. I choose to.

Why are all of these getting merged. I asked the two questions separately for a reason

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Originally Posted by J_9

Never submit to anyone but yourself. NEVER

Obedience is for dogs, not humans.

Be true to yourself. What he is doing IS a form of abuse.

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My fiancé or my dad?

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

My fiance or my dad?

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I think your dad.

But you need to work on the mindset of submitting to your fiancé. (From my understanding, it seems that if he gets the slightest amount upset, you kind of over-react?)

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Originally Posted by CarrotTalker

I think your dad.

But you need to work on the mindset of submitting to your fiance. (From my understanding, it seems that if he gets the slightest amount upset, you kinda over-react?)

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Yeah, I do. But lately I haven't. I sat and thought about it for a while. What's the worst he can do if I upset him?
Hit me? He would never
Dump me? He loves me enough to ask me to marry him, that kind of commitment should take more than just a trivial argument to break
Yell at me? He rarely does. He's so sweet usually. And yeah if he yells at me, I'll cry but there's really nothing too scary about it

I just want to clarify something real quick. My fiancé never asserted power over me. He is very passive. When I agreed to be with him, I told him, "I am yours to do what you will"

He knows he has been given power over me, but doesn't use that power over me I've given him.

The worst thing he has ever done is at a party I meant to bite him lightly but accidentally bit too deep. He meant to tap me on the back but he's very strong compared to me, so he accidentally hit me. That's the worst thing he's ever done. And it was accidental.

He has pulled the dominance card on me a few times. Like when I refused to eat for a week, he said "I'm ordering you to eat your dinner now, you haven't eaten in a week. I'm worried." but nothing bad.

If your doing it willingly, that's a lot different than going along just because someone says so. You also sound as if you are not so obedient when it doesn't make sense to you. I think that's okay too!

The bottom line is are you comfortable with the way you do things?

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Why are all of these getting merged. I asked the two questions separately for a reason

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Everyone gets merged when the subjects are related, that's how we get the facts of a bigger picture, and keep the lines of all the threads in some rational order.