Threads merged

PLEASE HELP - this A little long but I am so confused and need some objective opinions, any help is greatly appreciated!

My girlfriend and I were together for about 2 and a half years, we are both 24 years old now. We fell madly in love with each other and literally got along amazing, had so much fun together, and really could not get enough of each other. We met in school and she made a huge sacrifice by staying in the state I am in after graduation, away from her family, to be with me over the past 2 years. We always discussed the future and moving in together when I relocate for a job in the fall.

The problem is that over the course of the relationship she would randomly discuss how I don't express myself enough emotionally to her. That she knew I loved her and did everything for her, but didn't verbally express that she was the most beautiful person or show her that I fully adore and appreciate her. She is a very emotional girl, and I admit I am on the colder side with my emotions and this is my first long term relationship. I am assuming this kept building up because I did not change in her eyes to the point where she got very upset and mad at me about month ago. She felt hurt and bitter about it from the gradual increase. We discussed this and I took time to full understand the issue and we talked about working on it. She said she couldn't take it anymore and asked for a break about 2 weeks ago because she said she could not work on it with her feelings as is (I am not sure if there were any other guys in the picture or any hidden motives). Three nights ago we met at her house and I told her how I could not do this break anymore and we needed to solve this.

Bottom line - she told me she thinks I am amazing and even said she would be happy if we got married.There are so many things about me she loves and needs in her life and she knows they are very hard to find, but her need that is not being met is this deep passion and she does not know if I will ever have that to the level she desires. We broke up last night, but she said she will take some time and would like to stay in touch here and there and maybe see me again in like 2 weeks. Her goal was to try to get past these bitter feelings to the point where she would want to try again, but let me do my own thing in the meantime because she realized leaving me hanging is not fair.

I stayed no contact these last few days and changed my Facebook status to single. She messaged me saying that I shouldn't have posted that to the world. Also, a girl I am flirting with wrote on my wall about hanging out, and she messaged me telling how she was surprised. I didn't respond

What do you guys think? Is there a chance that this can work out in time? Or is this girl hurt and out of love with me that she really just wants me as a close friend and nothing more and stringing me along? Is she looking around and thinking about settling with me because I have a lot of great qualities and a good job/money? I love her and would love to try at it, but I also know I should not keep false hope and should attempt to move on with my life. Any suggestion or past experience will be helpful.

Thanks

I guess you realise that nobody can tell you what the future holds.
Meanwhile,move on with your own life-keep busy do the things you love doing.

Have no contact with her.
This will allow you to get the perspective you need on the situation.

I am kind of surprised at how you handled yourself here. You knew your girlfriend, or ex, was deeply hurt yet you decided to worry about your own image rather than fixing a fundamental problem that needs to be fixed. I'm not saying it was you who screwed this relationship up, but it is apparent that your lack of experience in dealing with the feelings of others is hindering this process. It also almost sounds like she is someone who craves attention... I'm a lot like you in that I don't show a lot of overbearing emotions, so it's a hard match.

Take some time to consider whether you even want her or love her because it sounds to me like you wouldn't mind playing the field for awhile as it is - and there's nothing wrong with that. You really need to be cautious about using Facebook at a time like this as it can hurt people more than you know. For now, to keep her out of your personal life, I would simply avoid Facebook communication with others and do your own thing.

You probably must be hurt though you're not showing it. NC is a good idea and you should really stick to it. Don't rush though into a new relationship, but dating is OK. The thing is she is leaving you hanging and that may lead to false hope. Are you losing your time with her? I don't know the type of girl, but from past experience and from reading posts here, there is a high chance of that.

Now is your time to take care of yourself.

Hi, Thanks for the help, here's a little more information to help with responses.

First, I did want to try to change and discussed how I finally realize the magnitude of her feelings and that I always felt those things but did not express them. She only got mad about this saying how I took her for granted for 2 years and told her I would try but didn't until we are breaking up. She said she didn't want those things from me right now. I also found out that she lied to me once about going to sleep and she really went out with friends. I don't know if she has cheated on me.

I guess I acted with Facebook and those things because I didn't know what to do and thought it would get a reaction/ jealousy - probably dumb. But it did get her to react. I have not hung out with her since the break up (1 week) and the only contact was on her end asking about the Facebook stuff.

I really do want to try with her - not sure if I should message at all - or keep it NC now after my Facebook stuff

NO, no no and no. You need to keep NC and take care of yourself. It is excruciating hard but NC is the only way.

It is just too typical of all relationship problem in this site. If you read other's thread you will see a pattern. Let her be, don't give yourself hope and move on with your life. The sooner you do that, the better you will feel.

She told you that she's missing passion in the relationship.

If you got back together, for her the same "hole" will eventually rear it's head. That is, if you can't do anything about expressing your undying love and affection that she so desperately craves.

So yeah, she doesn't feel enough affection from you.
Move on.. . If you can't give her what she desires.

Hey guys I have been lurking the board for a little while now and think everyone is amazing with their advice. I have seen you help people get through being dumped and survive no contact. I can use your help right now. I AM READY!

Quick recap of my situation: 2 and a half year relationship with my girlfriend - she is 23 now and I am 24. She is my first true love and she had 2 long term b/f's before me. She stayed in my state after school for the last year, away from her family, and we planned for our future and to move in together in a few months when I finished law school. Everything was perfect until a month or 2 ago. She started to get distant and explained how she wasn't feeling appreciated and didn't feel the same anymore and she has been trying to get me to address this for some time and now is bitter (similar to the usual stuff I see on this board). I actually have a gut feeling she cheated on me with her older, rich boss from work, but have no proof and I won't get into that. Anyway, we have been broken up for about 2 and 1/2 weeks or so. I was basically in denial - I never contacted her, however, she would text me here and there and even called me once. I would answer her contact but it was pointless. But now I realize she was stringing me along and this is hurting me more. We have had no contact for the last 5 days whatsoever, BUT I can't stop checking her Facebook page/email or feeling the urge to call her. There has not been much on there, but I am addicted and know I need to stop. She was out of town for the last week and returned a few days ago. She didn't contact me since she's been back and I think that was what I needed to realize it's time to be serious and move on.

I would love to have somewhere to turn when I feel weak and want to contact her or check - or if she contacts me which I think will happen, to ignore her. I am strong enough now to do it and I would love to post to you guys and let you give me the strength to move on. I know I will be fine in time and have the world going for me. I am about to start working at a big law firm and am young. My friends all support me and want me to move on and truly believe I deserve and will find someone better - But obviously I love her and am crushed and my heart wants her back - BUT I am finally seeing that I don't need someone who doesn't appreciate me or who I can't trust! - So let's do this!!

ALL SUPPORT IS VERY MUCH APPRECIATED! I will be updating for a little while and hope you can help!

Thanks so much

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Check out my signature concerning all threads relating to NC.

Just remember, NC, is a healing tool, not to win her back.

Why did my threads get merged? I wrote a whole new update just looking for help and support through NC and it got erased?

Your thread didn't get deleted, it got merged. Please refer to #8. You will see that your request for help and support is all there.

By the way, how is it that she was 24 years old in your first post, but now she's 23?

Thanks "I Wish", I get the merger now. My ex is 23 right now - her birthday is in less than 2 weeks (another issue), she will be 24.

I appreciate the response and I am just looking for somewhere to vent. My friends have had enough talking about her and I see how much support has been achieved by others on this site.

And I note, I am NOT trying to get back together with my ex anymore. I was in the first post. I am now ready to move on, and thus the update.

Good choice-NC works.
Stick to it and come back whenever you need to.
Best of luck.

Thanks a lot. I have read those and I have also read the stickies this past week. They have helped and have allowed me to realize what I need to do. But it is clearly easier said than done and I have not been true NC until now. It's the first time my heart was broken and writing about it does help me.

Thanks Amicon - I have been reading many of your posts in the other threads and you are truly a great person with wonderful comments and support. Your help through this time will be much appreciated.

You could also keep a daily journal for yourself at home,recording your feelings and how you progress.

I have tried that and it helps slightly. But I think am the type of person who will benefit more from talking with others who have been there before (that is why I came to this forum). The stickies have been invaluable but now just venting will help me, I know it.

I am probably hurting more now because it finally set in that this is 100% over.

Also, any suggestions for how to handle rough mornings. It is the hardest part for me. I dream about her every night and then wake up depressed and have trouble eating breakfast. I usually snap out of it by lunch when I am into my daily school activities and then go to the gym.

The key for me was the stay as occupied as possible, so that you don't dwell on the situation.

Hanging out with friends and deleting the other person's contact were the two most helpful things for me. But everyone needs to find their way of coping. That's why I created a poll in my thread, to show everyone that we all have different ways of helping us cope more easily.

As for the dreams, it's how you deal with the feelings that count. Dreams will pass in time. You need to be patient with yourself.

Try re-reading the stickies and the responses in the stickies a few more times. I'm sure you'll discover new insights every time you read it.

Don't stay in bed going over your dreams.
Get out of bed the minute you wake up-shower-coffee-breakfast.
Make sure you keep as active as you possibly can.

Yea I know, thanks. Though, I find it that even when I am keeping busy (i.e. at the gym) I will still be thinking about her even when I try not to. I am assuming this will fade in time.

I am also trying to shift from the mindset of wondering what she is doing and why she doesn't care about me to the mindset of worrying about myself only and not caring about what she is doing. This has obviously been VERY hard.

It is also hard because she hardly has any friends here, since she stayed solely for me. This makes my mind wander to who she is hanging out with. I know this is all just self-torture but you can understand why it is hard.

I guess my trouble is that I know there was more to this breakup than she admitted. Thus, I was left in pure wonder and not full closure. I am still coping with getting past that and not caring.

(VENTTTT haha)

You're doing well and you seem to have a good grip on how to handle this.
It boils down to making your mind up that you're going to stick to it and then do it-never mind how much it hurts.

It's a learning and growing process,once you're through it I think you'll feel really proud of yourself for having done it.

RB: Almost every break up ends without full closure. I'm not sure there ever is "full" closure and that is what makes it hard.

You're doing a great job so just try and continue to vent, exercise and do other things to occupy your mind, otherwise you'll drive yourself nuts.

Thanks KC - I have also read many of your posts in various threads and your story. You have been a great help to countless people on this forum and I thank you for any of your support with me through my situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RobinBoston

Thanks KC - I have also read many of your posts in various threads and your story. You have been a great help to countless people on this forum and I thank you for any of your support with me through my situation.

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No problem. I'm always here for you, we all are! :)

Update - Hi, I need some quick advice.

I haven't talked to my ex in a week including the 3 days since she returned to town. However, this morning I wake up to a text asking me if we can hang out this week.

I obviously know I should probably ignore it, but I want to see her so bad. I have not seen her in 2 weeks and we both have no idea how each other has felt during our time apart. The few times we talked we never discussed our feelings at all. What should I do?

I would politely decline, especially if you aren't comfortable ignoring her, otherwise you can choose that option as well.

It is never a good idea to "hang out" with an ex when you are so emotional, it sets you up for failure and leads to confusion. Be strong and explain to her that right now it just isn't a good idea.

Thanks, I know that is probably the smart move. Question KC, do you think there is a possibility that any good could come from meeting up again (like maybe her feelings are different), or it is 99% a surefire setup for more hurt on my end?

Feelings change often so there is always a chance she could be feeling different at the moment but that is clearly not a guarantee it will stay like that. When it comes to these "meetings" it is just best to take the high road and politely decline. It will also show her you are strong and mature about this.

If she wants you badly enough, she'll find a way to get you, trust me. Keep your heart protected for now.

This is very hard to send the message, because I really do want to see her so bad obviously. But I am about to man up and write - "I would like to but I don't think that would be the best thing for me right now"

What do you think?

Just be polite but tell her you are busy.
Remember your thread says you're finally ready to move on.
Don't fall into the trap of more drama or gameplaying.

You guys are such a great help. Without this forum I would have definitely caved in and accepted the invitation to hang out - which probably would have led to more pain in the long run.

Instead, I took the advice and told her I don't think it's a good idea. She obviously ignored me and did not respond. I feel miserable right now (my heart can't believe I passed up the chance to see her, make things better... blah blah) but my head knows this was probably smart.

Words of encouragement please as I sit here puzzled and look at my phone :)

You did awesome! Much better than I did at your stage. You are strong and deserve a pat on the back man! Seriously, well done. I am really proud of you!! Way to stay strong.

Well done.
Now get busy doing something other than sit and stare at your phone!:-)

Haha, thanks! I am going to get busy now - Have school in a little while anyway. It's just very difficult right now, I will obviously be thinking about this for a while. Every day I wish that she would want me back and call me, then she finally does call me, and I blow her off. Smart: probably yes; but insanely hard: yes!!

Btw, if we are meant to be together (I'm not being a dreamer just questioning) was this still the right move


BTW - I know I am major venting right now, but I figure better here than in any other medium (aka to her)

Your moves now should be for YOU,not for some future that no one can foretell!
Have a good day.

You can't force life. If it was meant to be, it will be, no matter what. Just go have fun and experience life, and vent all you want.

Another Update - I just received this message back a few hours after I told my ex we shouldn't "hang out" (above):

"Hi, well it's up to you. I would really like to hang out but if you can't I will have to understand. I just miss hanging out with you"

I have ignored it for the last hour. What does this mean and does this merit a response?

Don't worry about what it means and don't reply.

Doing NC means you ignore all texts and stop worrying whatever they might mean.

I know I know - just very hard because this is the first time she has made any contact in a while and it weirded me out - I am venting here instead of replying to her.

Clearly a big part of me wants to hang out with her and it kills to say no and ignore her - that's why I am here for support

Vent on,I know it's tough,but you'll benefit from it in the long run.
You are doing very well,trust me.

I'm suggest you take NC a step further. If you see a message from her, avoid the urge to read it and just deleted. That will prevent you from analyzing what she says.

You can even ask someone you trust to help you delete the message so that you don't get tempted.