Hello - after reading some other posts it is clear to me that I need to go into NC, but I just don't know how I can do it!

It's a long story so I won't go into all the details. Basically for the past year we have fought and fought, broken up numerous times. This time he had told me he is moving out and that he is "done". He says he still loves me but that love it not enough and that we are not good for each other in a relationship. We were friends for years before this so that makes it even harder.

Our last fight he said that he is moving out because he is in his last year of university and said the only thing that would make him fail is "us". He said that him and I equal fighting and that being apart from us is the only thing left to do.

So I pushed him to define what moving out was. And he said that he needed the next year without us but if we work after that we work, if we don't, we don't.

I have made the mistake of calling him everyday since trying to talk to him and understand whether there is a chance in the future or if this is it and I need to move on. He says its not fair to make me wait and that I should go be happy and do what I need to do.

So last call went bad and he was basically like "why are you calling me? You have an agenda and are thinking that all will be fine and I will move back in. But I am not. I can't be with you right now - we are so bad for eachother. I am going to change my phone number if you don't stop calling". -- last week he was calling me to chat like normal but after our talk where I was pushing him as to whether this was a "break" or a "break up" I feel I pushed him to far.

SOOOOOOO - NC is the only answer I think. I just don't think I am strong enough to do it - or strong enough to tell that little glimmer of hope to shut up and that it is over. I am soooooo lost right now.

You must respect his wishes.
Tough as it is you need to find the strength to do it.

Go cold turkey,delete all his contact details.

Keep busy,see friends and family and accept that for here and now,it's over.

Heartbreaking as it is,that's what you have got to understand now.

Be active in your approach to your healing and take it one day at the time.

Take care.

Hey there, yes no contact is probably the right way to go right now. He has told you essentially he wants space. I know it can be tough in the beginning, trust me, even I didn't go no contact right away. Get busy so you are distracted, I know I did everything I had on my to-do list, i.e. go find a new job, work out, learn drums, reading books, get licenses. Contact some old friends and family and just hang out and have fun.

You are strong enough, read the NC rules at the top of this forum. They are great and helped me do NC very well, I lasted 5 months of working with my ex without talking before I felt okay to talk to her. The only reason I knew it was okay was because I no longer wanted to be with her.

Check out my signature for all the NC related threads.

Think about it this way, if you break NC, it will make things worse because you will suffer more and push him away further. So why do that to yourself?

Thanks you very much for your posts! I know this is what I need to do it is just so hard (and I am sure everyone comes up with an excuse at this point). All this break talk and him moving out has been done over the phone as he is at home doing a work experience for a couple months. I just know that I will be back to square 1 when he comes back to get his things and move out next month!

I am also thinking that I should just pack my things and move home. I moved overseas to be with him and we were going to move back home together after he finished his last year of medical school. He told me that he still loves me but the only thing that could get in his way this year and could make him fail would be us. And that him and I = fighting so he needs to be away from it completely. He is trying to get back home and secure a residency so he is very stressed. I told him that I understand his need to move out and that it would be best for him to study.

I am just so lost right now. He said that he can't have us for the next year but if it works after that it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't. He says he doesn't want to ruin my life so if I need to move on with my life and go date and be happy to do it. He understands why I can't just wait around. This just hurts so much – if someone really loved you wouldn't the thought of you with another person make you ill?

We had talked about marriage, kids – the works, which I know makes no difference than anyone else who has broken up. I am in my 30's and really thought that this was it. And the thought of starting over again is horrible. Now I am overseas away from my family and friends (and him) and not sure if I should move home where I want to end up and can meet someone there or just wait till he gets back here.

I am sooooo lost. I know I have to do NC to move on but I can't get over that little voice that says “if you don't contact him, he will miss you and come back”. How do I move on from this? Do I move home? But then wonder if we would have got back together if I had stayed? So many questions and I know no one can answer them. When does this pain go away?

Ok, do you have a good friend you could go stay with for a few days and get your head sorted away from the place that you have lived together?

Where are you from originally and where are you now? Do you like your life where you are now or had you always planned on moving home? You need to continue with your plans. Your life went on just fine before him and after some healing will do again. No one is our life and we should never allow it to feel that way.

Yes, this may have seemed like it was it, but sometimes adages can be true have you heard 'If you love someone enough let them go, if they come back they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.'

He needs this right now, he has made that more than abundantly clear and this is a pivotal moment in his life, in order to stand by him you need to walk away from him. Hard as that is.

And to do this you need to get busy, get a hobby... if that doesn't work get ten!!

Some way or another you need to keep your mind busy, and yes there will still be times where it feels as if your heart is going to break but you are strong enough. I'm guessing in your thirties you have had other relationships and every time we think we'll never heal and that there is no one that will ever... bla bla bla. No offense by this, just it isn't the stuff you remember when you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

And believe me, there is light.

When it gets tough, come on here. There is always someone willing to share opinions and views and just talking can be really therapeutic. In fact, I find that coming on here when I'm down and helping someone else really lifts my spirits.

Well, I've rabbitted on long enough, the bottom line is that you can and will get through this, how you do that is up to you. I think dignity and grace is not easy, but most preferable. At this point it is all up to you.

Your life. Your decisions.

I agree it is hard it does suck and you will get over it. You don't want to hear any of this but it is for your best to get you mind right. That is what he is doing so should you. Take a step back, look at your relationship and see why you 2 fought. Must be something wrong if you did so much. Now just take some you time and feel better about you. When the smoke clears you may see he was right to break it off at this time. Best to you.

Thanks again for the support!

So - just wondering why guys (sorry - dumpers) like to mess with our heads? He told me not to call him that he can't have "us" in his life and that he would never talk to me again if that is what I needed - and threatened to change his phone number - then MESSAGED ME YESTERDAY!
I don't get it! I thought I had deleted him on IM - but forgot to block him and he messaged me just saying hi - so OF COURSE I said hi back then after about 5 more lines he said he had to go. WHY DO THEY DO THIS?
I was just starting to feel good - went to the gym - decided not to talk to people anymore about it or drone on about it - made some plans to join some new clubs - THEN THIS! I know its not a big deal but it just messes with my head.


NEVERME: We are originally from Maryland now in New Zealand. I only moved here to give it a shot with him. I now have a great job that I like but I don't want to be stuck here for years when I could be at home with my family and friends.

Well I think you just need to be more thorough on your blocking, make sure that whatever way you can help it you are doing NC.

To be honest, I can paint him as a horrible sadist but in ll honesty he is going through a lot too, even if he is the dumper, and it's easy to slip back into old habits of relying on the other you know?

But this is exactly why No Contact is so important. It's easy for you both and doing neither of you any favours.

I think that you should let the dust settle a little before making a decision on moving home, wouldn't be horrible to get home and realise it was a decision made in haste?

Just a thought, you sound like your well on the road to recovery :)

Hopeflies, bet you would love a can of old bay? Yep am in Md. Good luck and keep NC.

Not having a great day today :(

I really miss him and the thought that maybe it really is over is just overwhelming me right now. I don't want to hold onto any hope – but it is the only thing that gets me through the day. Every time I actually make myself realize that this could be it – I just feel pure dread and redirect my thoughts to not contacting him and hoping that maybe this time apart will be good and we may just realize we want to be with each other. Then I tell myself to stop having false hope and move on! It's a vicious cycle.

I am still sticking with NC - but I know this weekend is going to be VERY tough. :(


Neverme: You are right about moving home – I don't think I am in the right frame of mind to make any big decisions right now.

Valkman: Old bay! Love it - it might just be time that I get my mom to send me a care package.

Thanks for the encouragement - NC is hard but I am sticking with it!

Well done for sticking to NC its hard but it'll get easier as the days go by.

Once you have truly accepted that it's over,the real healing process can begin.

It hurts but you will get over it.

Come back here when you need to.

I have hit a low!

The first two days seemed quite easy - I felt almost empowered because I took the stance that I would cut all contact from him. BUT now it just hurts because he has not made any contact at all. It hurts to think that everything we meant to each other means nothing to him and that he is carrying on like normal without me happy while I am just a shell of a person trying to get through the days the best that I can.

I have been going out and trying to have fun - but it all feels so superficial and fake. When I get home to our house it hurts so much -being in our room, with all of his stuff still stings.

Is there anything else I can do?

Why is it that declaring my love for him and showing how much I care for him would push him in the other direction? It seems so counter-intuitive really.

I thought day 1 and 2 were hard... this just keeps getting worse. :(

Turn your mindset around!

You say you can't.. honey say you can and mean it!

Fake it till you make it!

You can get through this!

Know who you are ,say to yourself" I am good and cool and nice and he is not going to have power over me anymore".!

He is out having fun and you are crying? NO... honor yourself and take your life back !

Box all his stuff up and put it somewhere you won't have to look at it all the time.

Sticking to NC is the way to go-yes, it hurts that he probably doesn't care-but stay strong and you will find that it gets easier as the days add up.

Thanks artlady and amicon - it is nice to have encouraging words when I feel like this.

I guess the more I fake being happy and trying to have fun I actually will - but it just seems so far away.

I want to pack up all of his stuff - but that just seems so final. I know it is the best thing I can do - but it just reinforces to me what I failure I was that I couldn't keep this relationship together. I had my part in our demise - and it hurts to face that and finally give in to it and admit that it is over.

Acceptance is the first step on the road to healing.
Pack the stuff up-delete pictures-email etc.
As Artlady said, fake it till you make it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hopeflies

Thanks artlady and amicon - it is nice to have encouraging words when I feel like this.

I guess the more I fake being happy and trying to have fun I actually will - but it just seems so far away.

I want to pack up all of his stuff - but that just seems so final. I know it is the best thing I can do - but it just reinforces to me what I failure I was that I couldn't keep this relationship together. I had my part in our demise - and it hurts to face that and finally give in to it and admit that it is over.

---

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!
WOW !
Not at all.We are not measured by our outcomes but what we did as a real person to make things right.You know you gave your all !
What else can anyone ask of them self?
Honor yourself my dear and never put yourself down !
It takes two to make a relationship and you were trying to do it all alone.
Stop crying ,take this as a hard lesson that some people don't know how to love and know that you are worthy of better! :D

Please think with your head right now instead of your emotions. You can't make it better now, you can only respect his wishes. We have all been down this road sometime in our life. It's not easy. You feel like you just want to make it right and go back. It's not going to happen that way, trust me. YOU have to be strong and don't contact him. He will respect you more in the end. He asked you too give him space, and you didn't. You pestered him so much he wants to change his number. It's never going to work this way, when you don't him space to even miss you, if its meant to be. We learn from our mistakes. He needs to finish medical school, and has a lot of pressure. Respect his wishes, don't answer his calls or text him back for now. Let the dust settle. If and I say if, its meant to be, and you stay strong and focus on you now, he might circle around again. Please, no contact, if you have to vent were hear to listen and help you.

Exactly.

Don't make another drastic life decision until you get a handle on this.

Don't rush, time is your pal now.

After a bit, you'll hopefully take a hard look at this relationship and yourself.

And what's important for you. You can go anywhere and do whatever you want.

And go NC, totally. Believe me on that one.

Thank you everyone - I have held off making any major decisions while in this emotional state.

I also hear what everyone is saying and I know NC is for the best - it is the advice I would give someone else. But I have some doubts - the first time we broke up - he texted me that he wanted to meet up - if I had ignored him we would have never had the past year together. I met up with him and he told me that he wanted to make it work etc etc.

Also - what about proving to someone how much you love them - etc. I realise that this is not the time - as I know he needs his space etc. But I know he loves me - and I love him - its not like he fell out of love with me or fell in love with another woman. We had some communication issues and both stressed with uni and work etc.

I don't want to hold onto hope - but I don't feel like my situation is hopeless - maybe that is me being in denial - but I don't know what to think.

I think that we talked about spending out lives together are were planning a future and have similar values and interests etc. - that it is not something you just do NC to and give up on. I don't want to take a defeated stance and cut him completely out of my life.

And yes maybe I am being stupid - but I believe that if I just give him his space and in this time work on myself - better myself both physically/mentally/spiritually that if (and only if) he calls - I won't ignore that call.

Any thoughts?

I would say you're holding on to false hope.

Change yourself for YOU not for anybody else.

Be in charge of your own life for you not because you are hoping for him to come back.

amicon: I just re-read what I wrote and I can see how desperate it sounds.

I guess I just need to finally put the hope down and move on with my life for me and not in hope of "us".

I am in NC right now but I still answered an IM from him this morning. I was going out of my head this weekend that he hadn't called but just seeing his name light up calmed me down and we had a quick light conversation.

I know I should go complete NC but I find I can think better and get through the day easier with just a quick hello from him.

Brains trying to tell me one thing - heart is pulling me in the opposite direction.. :(

That's why total NC is so important.

Cuts the drama, flip-flopping and any expectations. Most importantly allows you to start to heal and move forward.

Don't be strung along and jump whenever he feels the need to contact.

Be in control now.

Plus, hopeflies,

If someone said to me "We are so bad with each other", "It's not fair to make you wait & "Why are you calling, I'm going to change my number?"

I would get the message.

Emopunk7 here to save the day with full power and light!
Looking at your past history that you wrote, you two broke up before. Once that happened, it was doomed to happen again. You made the mistake of taking him back. Once it doesn't work, it will never work. Don't believe me? You are now here again, unfortunately. Yet, you still want to go through it again even though life is trying to tell you he is not the one. Pick up the signs! It will be rough to go NC but you will get used to it and the pain goes down. Its been 3 months of NC for me and I am doing great! I still think about her and us but progress is showing.
We are here to help and give you a push so keep coming back.

I just crashed and burned!

He emailed me at work - I answered - then it got to me flirting a bit and asking him if we could chat by phone - then he said this probably isn't good for the break! So I said you are right and that I still not got the hang of this whole break thing and good luck with studying bla bla bla.

Then he wrote me that he feels the same but he can't think about us because when he does it messes him up and he can't think.

I KNOW that not talking to him is best... but I don't want to ignore him. I know how he is and he will think I am just ignoring him to play games. And I know I am supposed to think who cares what he thinks - this is about me. But I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

I am so lost. Just when I think I can handle this - I can't. I know he is struggling as well - I just can't admit to myself that this might be it. I can't. And I don't know how to do it. But I am driving myself mad with all these thoughts going round and round in my head!

Then YOU send HIM an email telling him to stop contacting you. He can't have his cake and eat it.

You're allowing him to be in charge-dont!
You're overthinking all his actions and you're putting your life on hold-dont!

Stick to the no contact.

Not having a great day today! It seems as though that one day of emailing 4 days ago was nothing as I have not heard from him at all. I guess I said something wrong or pushed him back further into his man cave.

This just keeps getting harder. I thought it was going to get easier as the days pass but this is horrible. I have almost called him so many times today but keep hearing the words "NO CONTACT" in my head so I don't.

I have read the stickies and have talked with people but this empty feeling I have just won't go away. This sucks! :(

But you're not doing NC if you keep talking online.

That's what's set you back now-you broke the NC and clung on to false hope again.

No contact means no contact as in none-zilch.-zero.

Time to go down that road.
Now.

Should I tell him then? This is where I get confused. I don't want to just not answer his emails etc. I think that would be rude. Maybe that is silly but I don't think ignoring him is the way to go.

So do I tell him not to contact me? I have not contacted him once since I started this thread but not sure how to deal with NC from his end.

It's not rude-it's taking care of YOU.

I would ignore ALL communication from him in the future-you need to break free from the idea that you belong in a relationship with a guy who,quite frankly,treats you like a doormat.

The sooner you apply proper NC,the sooner you will heal.

Thank you amicon for helping me. You seem to be the only one out there who is helping me through this.

I didn't realize how hard going NC would actully be! :(

I'm glad I can help! :-)

NC is tough,but it works.
And once you're over the first difficult bumps,it gets easier by the day.

Be patient with yourself and keep busy doing things you enjoy doing.
Take care.

Amazing how we can think we are being rude by not responding to someone that has dumped us. Its not rude at all to ignore someone for the sake of our own healing. Being rude should be the least of your concerns at this point as you struggle to get through NC!

Be rude! Ignore him, and let go of the false hope he cares, or will change his mind.

Whatever his reasons for contacting you, and whatever he is going through, are not enough to justify his keeping hurting you. Whether he understands are not, ignore him, and put yourself over his needs to contact you.

I know it hasn't been that long, and the emotional dust hasn't settled yet, but it will. And it does get better.

I have hit a major low!
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is affecting my sleep, my work, my health – everything!
I logically know that everything will be OK and time will heal all and that I should not talk to him – but I just can't seem to get my heart or my emotions to follow suit.

He actually called me last week because I was nominated for something at work – and I was so excited that I emailed him – he knew how much I wanted this. It felt really nice that he called to say congrats and we had a great talk.

He then messaged me a couple days ago – and I was having a light conversation – then it turned to us – and I told him that I would do anything to make it work and I will support him through his last year of school in anyway I can. And he just tells me that “it's easy to say this – but we will just fight again and I can't fail this year”. I am so lost – I don't want to wait around – but I also know I want to be with him and start a family with him (as we had planned to start trying for kids later this year). I feel like my whole world has been dumped upside down.

I know everyone keeps telling me to go complete NC – I just can't seem to be strong enough to do it!

Yes, its very hard, NC.
But its really the only way to begin healing.

I didn't think I was strong enough either, but the point is ex's want something different. They are happy to be our friend after the fact because they have nothing to lose. It's a win-win for them.

Don't fall into that trap, you will regret it later. Then you will have to start all over.

You know, hopeflies, I feel for you. Know that pain & all that comes with it.

One thing I was thinking that might help is to know that you haven't found the right person yet. Or it he hasn't found you. Its true.

Like you said. For the past year, you fought & fought.

I know what you are going through. But remind yourself and keep remining yourself how much you rock, and are worthy of good things & people.

We can get low & lose our self-worth because of these things. Don't.

Its been I think 8mo. Since my ex dumped me & honestly, Im not worried about what her, what happened, or if a new girlfriend is coming my way, and haven't been for a while.

NC did that. Plus soul searching & really hard work on myself. All I wanted was to get over that pain as fast as she dumped me.

Takes time. Do the right things.